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mental health

How to Support a Friend When They’re Having a Tough Time

22/07/2020 by Marie

What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say

Sometimes it can be hard to know how to support a friend when they’re having a tough time. Everyone has bad days. That’s life, right? Those are the times we rally around our friends or family and let them have a vent over a bowl of ice-cream or a bottle of wine.

But sometimes it’s more than a bad day. Has your heart ever broken for what someone you love has just told you? Maybe they’ve just lost a love one, or they’ve been given a terminal medical diagnosis, and you just don’t know what to say or how to support. Or maybe you’ve noticed a change in someone’s behaviour, and you’re worried about them, but you don’t know what’s wrong or whether they even want to talk.

Sometimes what someone says is so horrible and outside our own personal experience that it leaves us speechless. Sometimes it’s so bad that what they really need is professional support to deal with the horrors and trials of life.

So how should you support a friend when they’re having a tough time? How you can be a good friend to someone who is grieving or struggling with life if you’re not a trained counsellor or psychologist?

How to Support a Friend When They’re Having a Tough Time

When it’s an Emergency

To start with, let’s be clear, if someone is in immediate danger, call 000 (in Australia).

How to Start the Conversation

If your friend hasn’t opened the door to the conversation, but you can tell something is up, you need to be sure they want to talk about with you. You could start by asking “I notice you’re not yourself lately, if you think it would be helpful, I’m always around to talk about whatever is going on.” Then leave them with that, and if they want to, they can choose to talk to you, you’re not forcing them.

But do remember, if someone opens up to you once, you shouldn’t continue to follow up with them about it every time you see them from then on. Your friend might need to talk it through only once, and might be ready to move on now that you’ve supported them. In fact, constantly hashing it out might be stopping them from moving on. So, let them come back to you to talk again if they want to, or not if that’s what they choose – but leave it up to them.

Listen and Leave Your Judgement at the Door

Once your friend decides to open up to you, the first thing to remember is to leave all judgement behind. For instance, a crisis for one person is not a crisis for another. It might not be anything near a crisis for you, but you should remember that if it’s a crisis for that person, then it’s a crisis. Your job is to listen respectfully.

Secondly, remember that if someone thinks they’re in a crisis, it can take a huge amount of trust and courage to open up to someone. If that person is you, then your friend is putting a lot of trust in you. The best way to repay that trust is to let your friend talk. You can and should ask questions, but stop yourself from drawing parallels with your story, because it might not align to their values or view and that misalignment can quickly break that trust and stop your friend from being truly honest with you. Again, your job is to listen, leave any judgement or personal stories at the door and simply be there for your friend.

Don’t try to Solve Things

You might mean well, but remember you’re not a medical professional, counsellor or therapist. As a friend, your role is not to solve anything. Your role is to listen. A quick tip is to remember to listen with the intent to listen, not with the intent to reply. Your first job is to make your friend feel heard.

Ask Questions to Empower. Don’t Give Advice or try to Solve the Problem.

Sometimes when someone is in an emotional state, they can’t see the answers or way forward. Their thoughts and ability to think logically are often overwhelmed by the chaos of their thoughts. This can be really frustrating because looking from the outside in, you might feel like the answers or ways forward are just so obvious.

Remember, you don’t want to solve your friend’s problems, you want to listen and make them feel heard. If you try to solve someone else’s problem, you are making them completely depending on you. When what they need more than anything is to be empowered to make their own decisions. Don’t make someone dependent on you.

If you can see a path forward that your friend can’t see, you can gently ask questions that can help steer them to finding an answer themselves. Ask, and what do you think? What would you like?

Beware of Re-traumatising

Be careful of a friend who wants to retell you the story again and again and again. This can potentially re-traumatise them each time they tell the story, and rather than helping it can make it worse for your friend and potentially deepen the level of trauma. Try to contain conversations to avoid causing more harm. We know that talking can help, but if your friend is stuck, they may need to talk to a professional.

Also, be aware that these conversations can take their toll on your mental health and resilience too. They can start to traumatise you too! Keep an eye on your mental health and if you need to, make sure you look after yourself too by debriefing with a friend whom you trust.

Offer Additional Services That Might be Helpful

As we mentioned earlier in the article, you are not a professional, and it’s important to know when to hand over to a professional. If you’re worried about your friend’s mental health, you can get online and look up resources that could be useful. There is a range of free and confidential services you can find online – see below for some options.

Here’s the catch, remember, you don’t want to solve someone’s problems for them, so when it comes to sharing the website or phone numbers for support services, you want to offer it as an option.

You can say something like: “I can hear that you really are struggling financially. Lots of people in your situation find financial counsellors helpful, please let me know if you want me to find a number for you or we can go online and look together.”

Lastly, as frustrating as it might be, you can only provide resources for people, you can’t force them to get professional help. It has to be their decision to get help. You can, however, ask what it is about getting help that they’re against and dispel any myths.

Getting Help

If you or a loved one needs help or support, you can call the below free and confidential services 27/4 in Australia.

For crisis support and suicide prevention, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or visit their website at www.lifeline.org.au.

For anxiety, depression any other mental health challenges, call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or visit their website at www.beyondblue.org.au


Related reading: Where are you on the Coronavirus Change Curve?

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: friend, help, mental health, mental wellbeing

Wellbeing and Your Environment with Lee Chambers (E21)

08/06/2020 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics Podcast

This week, we interview Environmental Psychologist and Wellbeing Consultant, Lee Chambers. He helps companies increase productivity, motivation and innovation by applying the latest research from psychology, neuroscience and physiology to the workplace. His philosophy comes from his own challenges and business journey, having had mental health struggles, being made redundant, losing the ability to walk, and yet despite all the challenges he has gained more clarity and managed to harness elements of the resilience bounce. 

About Lee Chambers

Lee Chambers – Environmental Psychologist, Wellbeing Consultant and Founder of Essentialise Workplace Wellbeing

Lee Chambers is a Wellbeing Consultant, Workshop Facilitator and Sleep Specialist. Having spent the last 10 years focusing on wellbeing and performance in the local government, corporate organisations, and in elite sports, he has now brought his experience and qualifications with the aim to impact the wellbeing of thousands of individuals and businesses.

Lee has qualifications in Performance Nutrition, Strength and Conditioning Coaching, and Advanced Sleep Consultancy, and he delivers multi-discplinary workshops focused on improving performance and productivity through increasing employee wellbeing. This is an issue very close to his heart, as after losing the ability to walk in 2014 due to autoimmune arthritis, he has battled back to achieve a positive health outcome, and is now on the pathway to become medication free. He holds an MSc in Environmental Psychology, with a focus on human interaction with workplaces and natural environments.

He also presents the Health and Wellbeing show on Ribble FM Radio, and speaks in Educational establishments about his varied career path, health challenges and having a resilient mindset.

Based in Preston in the North of the UK, Lee is currently working with business owners and employee teams to create culture change, wellbeing strategies and champions. He is a father of 2, coaches a disability football team, and enjoys eating good food with good friends. He is currently writing his first book, “How To Conquer Anything”, which will be released in 2020.

  • Download Lee’s Latest Book Here!: https://www.essentialise.co.uk/ebook
  • Lee’s Consultancy: https://leechambers.org
  • Twitter: @essentialise
  • Facebook/Instagram: @essentialisecoach
  • Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lee-chambers-278a6518a/
  • Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/leechambersessentialise

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and change and transformation specialist, and my co-host is Peter Furness. Peter?

P: Hi there. I’m Peter Furness, and I’m a remedial therapist, ex professional dancer and happiness aficionado. Each week we will bring to you the latest news of research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: This week we have a special guest who’s here to talk to us about well-being and your environment.

[Happy Music]

M: Lee Chambers is an environmental psychologist and wellbeing consultant. He helps corporations increase productivity, motivation and innovation by applying the latest research from psychology, neuroscience and physiology. His philosophy comes from his own challenges and business journey, having had mental health struggles, being made redundant, losing the ability to walk. And yet, despite all the challenges, he’s gained more clarity and managed to harness elements of the resilience bounce.

M: Hi Lee, thanks for joining us today on happiness for cynics. I’m so excited to have you on the show.

Lee: It’s a pleasure to be on today, Marie.

M: What a story! We touched a little bit on it in the intro, but can you start by delving a little deeper into your background and journey and explain to us what you do.

Lee: Oh, yeah, I’ll try and condense it into a nice, digestible form. So, yeah, I grew up as one of three brothers. We were always fed, watered and had a roof over our heads. We didn’t have a typically fancy life. But what we had, what you could say was all our basic needs. I was the first one in my family to go to university and that again was seen is quite achievement by my parents, and they really pushed me in that direction. I then went into corporate finance and I, very quickly after six months, found myself in the middle of the credit crunch, so people above me started to be made redundant. But only a week later I was pulled in and made redundant myself.

So that really did change my direction and that led me on a path which took me through numerous jobs and brought in a video game business. So I went to the local government and then worked helping unemployed people to find direction, sharpen their interview skills, get more inner confidence and then go on and get themselves a new job on. Then I worked in elite sports which again showed me the cutting edge of performance. How much money and experimental elements I used at that level, both physiologically and psychologically also made me think, if this money and effort and time was spent on the ordinary person, how many millions of people it could help. And at that point in my life, I lost the ability to walk [due to] illness over the course of a week. Completely changed my world view.

M: So within a week you went from being completely healthy and normal to not being able to walk.

Lee: Yeah, So it was my 29th birthday. I was fully independent, fully mobile, playing team spots and doing pretty much whatever I wanted. My son was 18 months old, wife for six months pregnant, and all of a sudden I went from fully independent to not able to drive myself not able to feed myself properly and it was a, it was a major challenge. And I look back now and realise if it wasn’t for the people around me and the position I was in and I was lucky enough to, while I lost my job. I still was able to run the business, because a lot of it was digital.

What kind of happened is at first I was like, Why me? This seems really unfortunate. Chronic disease? I’m not even 30. I’ve looked after myself, that very quickly catalysed into well, you’ve been incredibly ungrateful for your mobility all these years. In fact, you’ve been incredibly ungrateful for all the people that are now caring for you. You’ve been incredibly, you’ve been so ungrateful for the simple fact that you grew up in the first world had a pleasant childhood on all these opportunities. This free education, all these different, all these different jobs that you’ve had all these different careers, you’ve had that, you’ve had the ability and the freedom to start up a business, which is now financing you through these difficult times and just really change my world view everything.

I need to be more grateful. But I also need to be resilient have a mind set and be proactive. Attack this disease as much as it’s attacking my body and that has lead me through to where I am today; helping people, so increase the health outcomes, increase the happiness in the workplace and really just to build a world where we’re all a bit happier and spread that happiness between each other and we go into work happy on we leave work happy.

M: That’s a huge ask, though, isn’t it? [Laugh]

Lee: No, well I see it’s a massive goal that I’ve smashed into so many little pieces. And I can do lots of those little pieces over the course of my lifetime and see if I can get.

M: It is such an inspirational story. I don’t think many people can even imagine what you must have gone through and the struggles that you faced since then. And to see you so proactively and positively attacking the next stage in your life. And what’s next is truly an inspirational storey. So thank you for sharing that with us. What I’m also came to understand now is you’ve taken a whole different direction career wise and started a business called Essentialise. And it says here that you’re an environmental psychologist and you work in regenerative environments. Can you help to explain what it is that that means and what you do with your day?

Lee: Yes, to really kind of explain Environmental Psychology. It’s a relatively new field and you can split it into three, so I have a lot of contemporaries across a lot of different disciplines. But if you split it into three and make it simple and digestible.

There are Environmental Psychologists who deal with urban environments, so buildings, transport, city planning, schools, hospitals.

Then a lot of my contemporary work in our interaction with nature. So how humans interact in natural environments;

And the third subsection of Environmental Psychologists look at environmental behaviours. So, why we see the world the way that we do, why we take sustainability measures, how some people believe climate change is gonna devastate us or some people believe it doesn’t even exist.

I’m looking at how their behaviours and people’s values and really how that then translates into the world and how environmental behaviour could be influenced. So my section is around regenerative environments in sleep and in the workplace. So the principle of regenerative environments is that when you’re in an environment, you have a lot of stresses, a lot of them are sensory, so if you can imagine you’re in an office, it’s noisy, it’s not well lit, there’s pollution coming in from the road. You’re in an environment also where you’ve got mental stresses, so you might not get on with the person sitting next to you, you might struggle with your boss. He’s not very good at communicating, so that kind of builds an atmosphere in the work place. Both physically and psychologically. It’s about looking how we can make the atmosphere more positive. So you leave work as energised as when you went in, as happy as you went in.

M: Mm hmm, and it’s really circular, isn’t it? The more you look after employees, the better they perform for you.

Lee: Definitely. And in some ways, it’s really a hidden performance advantage that isn’t often utilised, but the way the culture’s gradually moving, people are starting to see how important is.

M: Yeah, I heard someone talking a little while ago and they said for too long corporates have broken the employer/employee contract. They’re meant to borrow an employee for 40 hours and then give them back in the same state that they borrowed them in. And for too long they’ve been borrowing them for 50 or 60 hours and giving them back to their families broken. And I thought that’s a really different way of looking at it. And it really shows how we’re evolving our understanding of the role that a corporate can play in looking after employees.

Lee: Yeah, it’s quite interesting though. Because again I’ve got quite a similar analogy within business. So, if you lease a car, you’re expected to return the car in the same condition, minus wear and tear, and wear and tear, we all get physiologically as we live. Obviously, that wear and tear ends up in one day with us passing to the next realm. But if you take your car back and it’s dented it’s scratched, it’s not been looked after inside, you get charged and also the way that companies, especially production companies, building machinery, to be depreciated all the time.

Well, sometimes companies treat employees like a piece of machinery that’s going to depreciate and gradually become obsolete and then they chuck it out. For that same piece of machinery they spend thousands of pounds for thousands of dollars to lubricate that machine over its life. And yet they’re shy to invest in the development of the staff, to even ensure that the wellbeing is kept to a level where they’re able to perform and do the role because they’re the face of the company, they’re the people that quite often would drive in the company themselves and yet you wouldn’t want the person driving your company to not be psychologically or physically well. It doesn’t add up yet it’s so underutilised and finally it’s starting to make that move from humans being a resource to humans being the people.

M: I couldn’t agree more. As someone who’s been through burnout myself in a corporate. I’m a hundred percent aligned with you. What I am still really curious about is the concept of environmental psychology. So for those of us who are new to the field and you mentioned, it is a relatively new field, can you share any surprising or unexpected maybe research your information about your field in general? What does some things that people don’t normally know?

Lee: Yes, I mean, there’s lots of interesting things, and at the moment with Covid[19], strangely, suddenly but interestingly from a scientific perspective, this is like a big experiment that you can’t carry out. You can’t get millions of people across the world to have to isolate in a certain environment and then be able to get that qualitative and quantitative data about how that affects them. So Covid literally is an environment of psychologists dream, because it gives a massive case study and a massive amount of data.

But in many ways, the things that people are not so aware of is just how vital nature is in our regeneration. And as things like Ecotherapy and Attention Restoration Therapy [ART] start to gain traction. They are both cases where we’re given a significant amount of nature exposure, and it actually helps with mild to moderate depression, and it helps with attention deficit disorders. And it’s incredibly powerful to get that at a young age, which is why sometimes you imagine, you know, the outdoor activity centres that take disadvantaged children and go and give them a really powerful dose of nature. Because so many children now live in urban settings, not aware of where the farm animals that they might eat come from, they don’t really link to the understanding of a forest of trees or a field or even sometimes the sea and those [are the] environments where we’re fully ignited from a sensory perspective.

So if you imagine you’re in the forest, you can hear the birds you can smell the flowers, your feet are touching the ground, and you feel that mossy ground and you stood next to a massive oak. And that’s the feel, like a small part of something much, much bigger and the sunlight shines through your eyes and boosting your serotonin production, and it’s just so vital to get outside. And yet, in so many ways, our coming generations spend more time inside than they ever have before. And that is out in the western world people are more concerned about safety, about the increasing vehicles and children not being helped to be dependent and search, go and explore, go on an adventure in the same way that even my generation was 30 years ago and that, in its own way, is a challenge.

But it’s helping people link back and I kind of feel that what Covid has done, especially in the countries where you’ve got you know, your one period of exercise. These people have been walking and finding green spaces only a few minutes away from the house, but they had never taken the time from their busy life to go and explore and finding those foot paths and then going, really enjoying themselves and get themselves out, and we’re only really grateful for the environments we have access to when they’re taken away. In the same way that I was so ungrateful for my ability to walk until I lost it. We are not very good at preventing but we are very, very agile in a crisis.

M: It’s human nature I think. I have a similar story, I had an accident 2017 and couldn’t walk for a long time. And it truly, and there is a whole body of psychological research into the, what happens after you’ve been through a major trauma as well.

So, there is definitely what you mentioned there about going out into nature, is there any research about bringing nature indoors? Is there any benefit to having more plants in your indoor space as well? Or water features? Does that help at all? Or do you really have to get out and make an activity of it.

Lee: Yeah, so by incorporating natural elements into the design of offices and houses, it does increase your well-being, and it does bolster your ability to, you know, recover from anxiety and stress. It doesn’t confer the whole benefit that being outside in nature does because it’s not a full sensory experience. However, if you have a good number of house plants they don’t offer you that natural landscape.

We can see more shades of green than any other colour and that’s due not only to our evolutionary biology but where green lies on the spectrum and how our pupils and eyes work. But we have that affinity for natural environment. So if you have a room where you have house plants, you have items made out of natural materials that have a feel on a texture, a grounding. If you say have a landscape picture on the wall, even those really small elements all the time because you’re continually exposed to them you become slightly regenerative to your health.

And then you look at house plants and how much they clean certain pollutants out of the air it’s the natural purifiers and also the fact that you have to mindfully look after them, water them, make sure and in many ways what we do is we represent and we anchor into the fact that they grow as we grow. It’s something that’s only kind of starting to be in research now. But it’s our understanding that actually, as the world revolves around you and moves, if you could make a bit of progress and the things around you are making a bit of progress it actually compounds in your mind to feel like you’re actually generating that forward momentum. It makes you have more energy to wake up in the morning, and it really does propel people when everything around them is just growing. And that’s something that you won’t see if you have an urban environment, which doesn’t really have any natural features.

M: Yeah, so I was gonna ask you if you had any tips for our listeners about how to make practical changes in their homes or office environments to improve their well being. We just talked about plants, definitely. Is there anything else that you can share the secrets of that will help with well being?

Lee: Yes, I mean probably the most important thing is just to step back and have an awareness about how much your environment plays a role in your well-being and starting to just understand the basics that the stress of our environment, it does affect us.

So when you’re kind of working out actual tips and starting to think ‘Ok, so I’ve got my office, or I’ve got my home office and home offices are great, because you have more design flexibility. You just have to incorporate the elements that you work in, in an environment that was originally designed for something else. But you can start to work on that if you treat it mindfully.

So yeah, it’s kind of looking at, you’re working for roughly eight hours a day and sleeping for eight hours a day. So your workplace environment, your sleep environment, 100 hours over a week, two thirds of your life spent in those environments. So it’s important to look to optimise them. So you’re kind of looking at ways to, because of how we work and we have ultradian rhythms so 98% of ourselves have this smaller clock inside. Obviously we have the circadian rhythm that runs 24 hours a day ultradian rhythms run about 60 to 90 minutes and that allows us to really work deeply for that period. But then we need to have ten to fifteen minutes off, disconnected. So we can reconnect to work effectively again. When we continue to push that, that’s when we get burnt out.

So, what I do in terms of suggesting for offices were actually looking at what the environmental stress is.

First of all Noise.

Are you in the seat that’s next to the main road? Are people buzzing, are cars coming past all day? What we do is while we tune out, it gradually stresses you on a low level, and that builds up over time. Other things to consider are:

Density.

So we need personal space in an office we’re too crammed and that can be an environmental stressor. Yeah, we also need to be close enough to build, to socially connect with people so being sat in an office and being completely bereft of anyone else to speak to, is just as dangerous as being crammed in. So it’s about finding that, find that sweet spot. Some people’s personal space needs are larger than others, and that’s about where you become understanding of what your environmental needs are. Other things to consider are:

Temperature.

You can actually find out where people are comfortable and set them in the in the zone that’s best for them and that in itself is regenerative when they understand; Actually, I want to sit here in 16 degrees. He wants to sit there and 19. He feels comfortable. I feel comfortable. We switch places. We wouldn’t be comfortable. And it’s just about kind of understanding that we can use our thermostats in our houses to also create our workspace that is comfortable for us. And then finally, it’s really looking at things like

Lighting.

So thing is that everyone has their individual lighting need as we get older, our lighting need needs change, but you don’t want to be in that grey room yet you don’t want so much light to come through that it’s blinding you, blinding your screen and natural light is always gonna be better than artificial light. But artificial light can be and is increasingly becoming a little bit less invasive than it used to be in the old fluorescent strips, so you can get creative with that. They get that Connection and suddenly they’re more likely to stay, their less likely to go off sick, become more productive, more creative and just happier at work and it spreads.

M: I think that’s, that’s a great place to end with happiness spreading. I’m so upset that we’ve only gone through half the questions that I really wanted to ask you. So we might even invite you back on this show in a little bit to cover some more things if you, If you’re up for it. Before we go, how can people find out a bit more about you?

Lee: So you can visit my website at: leechambers.org, I’m on Instagram @essentialisecoach and Twitter @essentialise

M: Thank you. I appreciate your time and have a good evening. Have a good day, actually all the way from England.

Lee: Thanks, it’s been a pleasure Marie.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Listen to our Podcast: Designing Happy Cities (E19) and Podcast: Enabling Happy Cities (E20)

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: environmental psychology, Lee Chambers, mental health, podcast, resilience, wellbeing

Your 6 Step Social Media Detox (and why you Need one NOW)

27/05/2020 by Marie

Spending too much time in self-isolation and feeling the negative effects? You need a social media detox!

Do the things you like instead of liking things others are doing!

Have you found yourself turning to social media to while away the long hours of Covid lockdown? Are you noticing some negative effects? If so, you may need a social media detox.

Even before Covid, social media was well ingrained in most societies around the world. In Australia, as of January 2019 there were 18 million active users of social media websites (69% of the population). Facebook is the most popular social media platform, with ~16 million monthly users of the website. In the U. S., about 70 percent of adults say they use Facebook and YouTube, while Instagram and Snapchat are growing in popularity among 18-24 year-olds.

Social media can be an important part of modern life, but unfortunately, the research also tells us that it can also be destructive to our mental wellbeing. Many studies have linked excessive social media use to increased depression, anxiety, loneliness, sleeplessness, and many other mental health issues.

So, what should you do if you feel that your social media use is not good for your mental health? What if you’re spending too much time on social media?

Start With Self-Reflection

To begin with, take the time for some self-reflection. Grab a notepad and each day for a week, reflect on your social media habits.

Evaluate how social media makes you feel and how it impacts your life.

  • Is it negatively impacting your mental wellness?
  • How about your productivity and creativity?
  • Is it taking time away from the activities that make you happy?
  • Is it making you feel sad, jealous or alone?

Write down your thoughts for a week. After some reflection, if you identify any negative effects that your social media use has had on your life, then you might want to consider a social media break. Here are your next steps…

6 Steps For a Successful Social Media Detox

1. Find a social media detox buddy: You’re more likely to complete the detox (or any new habit for that matter) if you have a friend to do the detox with. Agree on how long you’ll detox for – maybe try a week to start with and set the start date. Set a date with your friend, and touch base with each other regularly to check in during your detox.

2. Stop using your phone as an alarm: Get a real alarm clock and leave your phone away from your bed. This should stop you reaching for it first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

3. Be OK with being bored: The goal here is to take back your time and mindfulness. This means replacing hours of endless scrolling with more fun, but mindful, activities. It also means being present and being ok with being bored in-between tasks, like ad breaks or while waiting for things to happen.

4. Delete your social media apps: If this makes you feel anxious remember that this is only temporary, you can always download them again at any time. If you just can’t delete them, try moving them to a different screen on your phone. If you want to take it one step further, also limit your news intake to no more than 30 minutes a day!

5. Change your lock–screen: The simple act of having to put in a new and long password will make you think every time you open your phone screen. That can be enough to stop you from mindlessly using social media apps.

6. Start a new project: It’s easier to not miss something if you have something else to grab your attention. So why not start a new project or course.

After Your Social Media Cleanse: How to Bring Social Media Back Into Your Life

At some point, you might wish to bring social media back into your life, which is fair enough, and it’s important to note that there’s nothing inherently wrong with spending time on social media. It’s only when it starts having negative impacts on your life that you should be worried.

When you do bring it back into your life, bring it back slowly and the most important thing is to use it with purpose and intention. This means deliberately setting aside specific timeboxed times in the day to look at your social media. Perhaps it’s on the bus to work or school, for 10-minutes at lunchtime, and for 30 minutes after dinner.

Also, it helps to remove all notifications from your apps. This will help you to not be tempted throughout the day as the phone pings at you.

Remember it’s about you having control over you phone, not your phone having control over you. If you can be mindful, it will help you to ensure you don’t slip back into mindless scrolling.

Good luck!

Related content: Listen to our Podcast: Social Media Detoxing (E15)


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Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: balance, happiness, mental health, mentally strong, resilience, resiliency

11 Ideas For Your Next Mental Health Day

20/05/2020 by Marie

Mental Health day ideas

How To Ask For A Mental Health Day And What To Do When You Get One

Are you feeling stressed or burnout? Do you need to reset and unwind, but are you just too exhausted to think about mental health day ideas? Do you need some inspiration?

The month of May is Mental Health Awareness Month – an annual reminder that 1 in 5 people will face a mental health issue at some point in their lives. It shines a light on mental health and mental illness and raises awareness of the fact that many people struggle day to day with mental health issues. More than that, talking about it helps to normalise it, lessening the stigma and letting people know there is no shame and there is support.

This year, talking about mental health is even more poignant with many people currently experiencing heightened stress, anxiety and fears due to Coronavirus. Not only that but the impacts of the Coronavirus, such as losing your job or being isolated, can compound the issue by adding financial stress and/or deepening feelings of loneliness and guilt, among many others.

Then there are the essential workers and remote workers, the people we are depending on and who are working longer more stressful hours. Not having a job comes with its own stresses, but in today’s environment having a job can be just as stressful. And essential workers have been working at a heightened stress level for weeks now, just to get the job done. And many are starting to feel the effects of burnout. Even before the pandemic hit, the World Health Organization (WHO) estimated that one in four adults will experience burnout in their lives.

Signs You May Need a Mental Health Day

Burnout is a slow progressing state that you get to over time. It’s about working at an unsustainable pace for too long. It can leave you feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, as well as cynical and detached.

Symptoms of burnout include:

  • excessive stress,
  • insomnia,
  • fatigue,
  • sadness, anger or irritability,
  • defensiveness, cynicism or a negative outlook
  • alcohol or substance misuse,
  • high blood pressure, and
  • decreased immune function leading to an increase in illnesses, among others.

If you’ve noticed any of the above symptoms, you could be experiencing burnout. It may be time to ask your boss for a mental health day. If so, read on for some mental health day ideas.

How To Ask For Time Off

Even though conversations about mental health are slowly becoming normalised, it can still be hard to ask for time off to recharge. As much as we know that mental health is just as important as physical health, it is that much harder to ask for a day off when we’re stressed or overwhelmed compared to when we have the flu.

Before you have a conversation with your boss, therapist Julieann Ipsan says: “It is vital to assess if your company and work culture is open to the idea of mental health days. If asking and explaining details will ultimately create more stress, it’s better to take a sick day with no explanation of the mental health needs.”

If your company is OK with mental health days, but you’re still not ready to share your reasons with your boss, you can always say something like, “I’m not feeling well so I have to take a day off, but I’ll be back tomorrow.” This is completely acceptable, after all, you don’t want to create more stress by asking for a mental health day. When pressed for more information, you can simply say “Don’t worry, I am OK, but I really don’t feel up to sharing the details at the moment.”

Once you know that your boss and workplace are open to mental health days, and you are OK with opening up that dialogue, then a little bit of planning can help to smooth the way. If possible, try to take a day off when you will have a limited impact on others or where you can reschedule your meetings.

When you talk to your boss, explain the symptoms you’ve been experiencing, and the benefits of taking some time off to recharge. It could go something like this: “As you know, I’ve been under the pump and the stress is getting to be too much. I’ve not been sleeping well for a while now and I know I have been short-tempered lately. I’m also not doing my best work. I need to be better at looking after myself and I would like to take a mental health day on Thursday to recharge. I hope this helps me to improve my mood and productivity.”

The more people talk about this, and chart a course for others, the more we’ll all benefit from this open, supportive environment in the future. Remember, if you need additional help, reach out to a professional.

11 Mental Health Day Ideas

Once you get your day off, it can be easy to sleep in and just curl up on the couch with the remote. That would be a mistake. It’s time to give yourself what you’ve been missing over the past few weeks or months. This means a mix of quiet, mindful activities, a little bit of pampering, and a lot of rest.

Here are 11 mental health day ideas:

  1. Don’t set an alarm. Let your body tell you when it has had enough sleep.
  2. Put your phone on silent. You don’t want to get sucked into mindless news and social media scrolling, or even worse: work issues! If you absolutely have to be contactable, set aside a small amount of time in the morning and again in the evening to check your messages. Stick to those timeframes!
  3. Put on some music. Set the tone for the day by choosing a playlist or artist who makes you happy or relaxed.
  4. Make your favourite breakfast and eat it outside. The benefits of being outside are well documented. Mindfully enjoy your meal, sit quietly and feel the sun on your face.
  5. Do some light exercise. Go for a 30-min walk around a new part of your neighbourhood. See what you can find that you never knew existed. Be mindful and take notice of nature. Don’t do extreme exercise as it can add further stress to your body – today is about recharging not further depleting your body.
  6. Eat a healthy lunch. It’s time to reset any bad eating habits you’ve developed while stressed. Try a big bowl of salad with chicken or fish. If this feels like a punishment, try to think of it instead as caring for yourself, and then add some nuts and cheese!
  7. Fit in a pampering activity. Go get your nails done or get a massage. Whatever makes you feel like a million dollars.
  8. Make some commitments to change. If you’re in an unsustainable position at work, think about to talking to your boss to let them know explicitly that your situation is not sustainable and ask them to work with you on solutions, or propose some solution. It might take some time for things to change, so in the meantime, you should also commit to changing your own self-care behaviour to help you get through. Pick one thing you can do starting tomorrow. This could be committing to getting 8 hours of sleep, drinking enough water, packing healthy lunches, drinking less alcohol, or walking more each day (try getting off the train/bus one stop earlier).
  9. Set yourself up for the next day. Particularly if you’re going back to your stressful work the next day, you want to do what you can to ease the anxiety that will be building as you get closer to going back. Put your clothes out in the evening and pack a healthy lunch so it’s easy to grab and go.
  10. Wind down. If you’re an evening TV watcher, try changing your routine to read a paper book for a couple of hours before bed. Either way, before you go to sleep, take 20 minutes to do some light stretching, then sit calmly and think about 3 things you’re grateful for. Write them down in a book.
  11. Go to bed early. You don’t want to mess up your sleeping patterns, so don’t go to bed too early, but make sure you’re in bed with enough time to get 8 hours of sleep.

Related content: Read Moving On article Resiliency Is About Recharging And Self-Care, But Are You Doing It Wrong?

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going, at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

Comment below! Tell me, what activities do you do on your mental health or self-care days?


Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: change, happiness, mental health, resilience, resiliency, wellbeing

Coronavirus Making You Feel a Bit Low? Consider Adopting a Pet

24/03/2020 by Marie

The Research is Clear: Pets Make You Happier and Benefit Your Mental Health

Research shows that interacting with pets increases cortisol levels, making you happier.

Here’s 3 ways you can find a new best friend and gain some resiliency during the Coronavirus pandemic.

1. Rescue or Adopt a Pet

Many studies have shown that pets make you happier, in fact simply petting a cat or dog reduces the stress hormone cortisol. All it takes is 10 minutes a day to lower your stress levels and increase positive emotions. Studies show that owning a dog reduces a person’s risk of premature death by up to a third!

Another study showed that having a dog has been proven to increase physical health too — after all you have to take them for walks! A study that examined data from almost 34,000 people has found that as little as one-hour of exercise per week, regardless of intensity, can help to prevent depression. So, get out there walk your dog or play with them in the park or backyard for just an hour and you can reap the benefits!

NOTE: generally, going for walks is still OK if you’re shut-in to help slow the spread of COVID-19 (keep 2 metres away from other walkers) but they’re generally not allowed if you’re officially quarantined because you’re high risk. Check with your local authorities to be sure.

2. Be Kind and Foster a Pet

If you can’t commit to rescuing and owning a pet full-time, you might be able to help out by fostering a pet for the short-term.

Unfortunately, in times of stress and when people are pinched financially, vets and charities often see a rise in dumped or surrendered animals. When people don’t know if or when they’ll get another pay check, it’s often hard to keep a pet, and many are returned to shelters.

Research shows giving to others activates an area of the brain linked with contentment and the reward cycle. So, performing selfless acts makes you happier. Being kind also increases happiness, energy, the love hormone (oxytocin), pleasure and it even increases your lifespan. It’s also really easy to practice and has recently started a global movement you can get involved in #RandomActsOfKindness

3. Volunteer to Walk Your Neighbours’ Dogs

You might not be able to take on a pet at your home right now, but many people are in need of help at the moment too, particularly if they’re quarantined at home. So why not put up a sign in your apartment lobby or local shops or do a mail drop around your street offering to walk your neighbours’ dogs.

Research shows that helping others through acts of charity or volunteer work can make you feel better and happier. But more recent research finds that simply wishing someone well may have a similarly positive effect on our moods. So, whip around your block or neighbourhood (keeping your social distancing) or even better send around some emails and offer to help out.

Remember while you’re walking your neighbours’ dogs to be sure to stop and smell the roses, or at least notice them. Research says that observing nature — wherever you may be — will make you feel happier and improve your overall wellbeing.


Want some other science-backed tips to bring happiness into your life, read How to be happy – 50 science-backed ways to improve your happiness

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: Coronavirus, covid-19, kindness, mental health, pet, resilience, resiliency

Balancing Work Pressures With Health and Fitness

02/03/2020 by Marie

Dade Bailey, corporate leader and personal trainer, talks about the importance of balancing work and health

We all know we need to do exercise. There have been hundreds, probably thousands, of studies into the positive effects of regular exercise. It leads to better moods, decreased stress, more mental resilience, more confidence, more energy, and I could keep going on. So, there is no way I could have a site dedicated to happiness and mental health, and not cover exercise.

Unfortunately, when we get busy, exercise is often the first thing we drop!

That’s why this week I’m interviewing Dade Bailey, who has had a very successful career in the corporate world, but he also recently retrained as a personal trainer. I spoke to him about the importance of balancing the pressures of work with health and fitness, and how to bring a bit more balance into your life.

You’ve had a very successful career with some big Australian brands, but there’s more to you than your professional career… Let’s cut to the chase: you’re buff.

<Laughs> Nice, thanks. Yes I’m Okay. So yes, but it took a long time for me to get here.

How much time do you spend working out or doing exercise each week and what do you do?

On reflection looking back, I always wanted to get to this point of being able to look in the mirror and go, yeah, I look good. I feel great. I’ve got a healthy balance, and it took a very big mind shift to get there.

The gym I’ve been with for 14 years called Hiscoes in Surry Hills [Sydney], is such a great gym, I did a strength challenge with them that was the catalyst. They really gave me the understanding of how muscle groups work, how nutrition needs to work, how building good longevity strength really would help. And that helped me set my mindset to where I am now.

Now, I’m at the gym about four or five times a week for my own personal training. I do different things, that could be strength training, high intensity training, but also it could be just something for stress relief – like going to kick the crap out of a boxing bag, or just going to do some yoga for active recovery. I really love Pilates – Reformer Pilates – that’s really good. So, four to five times a week because rest is so important as well. You’ve got to be able to allow your body time to recover.

Is balance something that’s important to you?

I think being in the corporate world for such a long time, exercise is always my outlet and going to the gym in the morning sets me up for the day, to really start my day off well. So from a mental health point of view, it was like, I’m ready. I’m walking in the office ready to take on the day. I’m feeling good. I’ve got all these endorphins happening. It’s great. Fantastic.

However if my nutrition wasn’t balanced and I was then going to eat an egg and bacon sandwich every day, and not really balancing my food, I wasn’t really complimenting my training well. Then then looking at other parts of my life and ensuring I have a balance in those areas.

When I lead teams questions I’d ask ‘are you exercising? Are you eating right? Are you sleeping right? How’s home life?’ To see if their life is balanced, and if it wasn’t, they wouldn’t be able to bring their best selves to work. At the start of each week, I used to ask my team “How are you feeling out of 10 this week?” To gauge how balanced they are heading into the week and how I could support them better.

Additionally I included exercise at work, instead of just having a 1:1 in a room, we’d go and have a walk and talk to do some exercise at the same time. Or have team meeting, we’d get out the building, so you were getting away from your desk.

Now I’ve become a personal trainer and I know a lot more about the sciences behind it, so going back into the corporate world is really going to help me as a leader to help my team thrive, so they get the best out of their work and bringing their best selves to work.

A lot of people join gyms and go to one or two classes and never go back. How did you find that spark or that passion to begin with?

As I said before there was a challenge at the gym. It was an eight-week strength challenge and I’m like, you know what, for eight weeks, I will commit. This is a short amount of time. Really commit. And even by week four of the eight weeks, I was seeing so many different changes in my body, how I was sleeping, how I was motivating myself. I changed myself from not being a morning person to being a morning person.

That’s huge!

It’s huge. I never used to be able to get out of bed. I used to sleep in and just go to work, but now I wake up at like 5:30 in the morning, quite happily.

Okay, I need your secret. We’ll get to that in a second.

But I think for me, it was that you’ve got to be able to help yourself and that was the mindset thing. You are the only one who’s going to be accountable here. You’ve got personal trainers that will help you, use them to help build out a program but it’s also “Where’s your commitment in this?” And I had to make a commitment to myself.

The corporate world is relentless, and it’s nonstop. And you have to find those moments to find that balance.

A lot of us are spending long, long hours in corporate world, and it’s becoming harder and harder to say no. What advice would you give to people to make sure they can find the balance in their life to fit in exercise.

Just from a personal point of view, after 14 years of working in an organization of the scale and the complexity that I did, I was really burnt out. And I’ve taken the time out to do some of the things I wanted to do, like become a personal trainer, which is amazing.

The corporate world is relentless, and it’s nonstop. And you have to find those moments to find that balance. As a leader in an organization, it was making sure that people came to work and they had a balanced life outside of work was my priority, because if they were wandering in and they didn’t have that balance, they weren’t able to perform at work. So for me, them making sure that they could do work flexibly if they wanted or being able to prioritize going to the gym classes that they wanted, or “hey, there’s a yoga class at four.” Go for it. You can. I know you’ll work to make up the hours. It’s about not putting restrictions on or being stuck in the old way of working of, “I need to see you at your desk from nine to five, and you need to produce X amount of widgets.”

Instead it’s like, “Here are the outcomes that you need to achieve. I expect you’re an adult and you’re able to achieve them. I will give you accountability to do that, and you work how you want. Giving people that freedom enabled them to be able to bring more of themselves to work and they were honest with me going, “I’m going through a tough time with this happening at home.” Okay, cool, at least I’m aware. But at least that kind of relationship really helped people bring everything they can to the office, and I created teams that thrive. And that’s where I’m always very proud of those moments. Because for me, if I’m running a team and they’re not living their best life outside of work, they’re not going to enjoy coming to work every day.

Absolutely. So obviously we all wish we had a boss like you! Were there any points in your life where you had bosses that didn’t subscribe to this idea? And how did you deal with explaining that you need to take time for yourself in order to be better for the organization or for your boss?

I had a boss who was a micromanager, and he really pushed my buttons. In the end, I learned that to manage the micro manager, I had to manage back. Okay, you want to know everything I’m doing? Here is a task list. Here’s everything I’m doing. You want to see that I’ve done all these tasks? Awesome.

Instead of them controlling me, I had to take control of them. But I also gave them honest feedback. I’d ask, “Can I just ask why you need to know this level of detail?” And sometimes people are just afraid of the boss. So just ask the question, “What was this to achieve? What’s the outcome?” Because for me, that kind of open and honest communication doesn’t happen enough in the corporate world. People need to ask the question “why” a lot more.

Have there been any times since you first started including exercise in your life on a regular basis that you haven’t been able to exercise, and have you noticed any impacts on your mental health or resiliency?

Absolutely. When in high delivery times, if I don’t get sleep and I don’t get to the gym in the morning, I go straight to work, I can sense my productivity levels dropping. I’m wandering in, I don’t feel energized, it would take me about two hours to get going. And people are bombarding me with questions and I wasn’t firing on all cylinders!

So that’s why it becomes so important to make sure you find that time and make sure that it happens, saying ‘this is important to my balance and the reason for that is to avoid two hours of wasted time as I wander in.’ Make sure you have the conversation as to why it’s important with your leaders to go, ‘this is me, this is why I need to do this. This is going to be better for you.’ This could be not just exercise, it could be making sure you’re dropping the kids off or going to swim class with the kids or prioritising a doctors appointment. As long as they let me know, there were ways we could make it work.

One time I noticed it started to affect my mental health was when I was leading the one of the biggest, complex change programs to deliver IT experiences to the whole organisation. It was consuming so much of my time, I started see my drinking habits go up each day, I was working longer hours, I was getting to bed late and sleeping in and not getting to the gym.

So I actually did a checkpoint, a kind of ‘put me at the centre’ activity and what actually makes me happy overall. For me it was flexible working, meaningful work, getting to the gym, making sure I’ve got time for my nutrition and making sure I’ve got time with my friends. When I started to protect those parts of my personal life, I felt the balance returning. I ensured I could cook on a Sunday night for the food for the week, ensured I limited my drinking to weekends, had conversation with my boss to come in a bit later so I could fit in my gym in the morning.  I really had to look at and put myself under the microscope and go, what makes you happy on a day to day basis from the outside of work. And what is work affecting of those pillars? And make changes.

I think it’s such an irony that when we’re needed most at work, we let down all the other areas of our life that keep us healthy for work.

But it’s also the ability for a leader to see that in their people. And for me now coming into a personal training side, I think I’m rounding out my skills in a very different way. Because it will be a very much, “well, what makes you ‘you’ outside of work? Is it exercise? Is it nutrition? How are you balancing yourself out? And how as a leader can I help that outside work operate well? What blockers do I need to remove to help free that up so you come into this office skipping?”

Can I ask you since you have been training and doing your certifications, what are some tips for people who are just starting out on their exercise journey?

Ask questions of anyone working in that gym. I’ve had the same personal trainer since day dot (Hi Mac) and he’s just so full of knowledge, like how bodies work, how you sleep, how exercise affects your energy levels – there’s so much knowledge that they have! Learn from them and really ask questions. They want to be asked and if you have a question over motivation, programs, technique or what is best to achieve your fitness goals, ask them. And if they don’t know they’ll know someone who can [help].

A lot of people don’t do the gym because they have a fear that they may look silly, don’t know how to  use the equipment or may go “ahh no, they look really fit, I can’t join that class.” But everybody working at the gym is there to help you. And yes, there are some people in gyms that are all there posing in front of mirrors or at the other end of the spectrum where they’re like, “Oh, my God, you had an alcoholic beverage, the world is ending.” But remember most people are there to better themselves. You’re all there for the same reasons, you’re there for health or want to look better for your wedding that’s coming up, or something like that. And there are people in that gym, with so many skills to help you achieve that. Don’t be afraid.

I know I was! I think I first went to a gym when I was 13 or 14 and those machines looked so scary. I don’t know if you remember going, “Oh my gosh, how do these work?” So would you recommend maybe taking a class to get started versus going straight for the weights equipment?

A couple of things that I’d recommend: most gyms overall should have some kind of introduction assessment. They should do a fitness assessment with you as soon as you walk in. Let’s sit down and get a baseline, let’s do some measurements. Let’s make sure you can know what your goals are, what do you want to achieve. A good gym will sit down and help you design a program and not only help you design a program to help you start to achieve that, but also show you how to use that equipment.

Regarding your point on the machines looking scary, they are built to help you ensure you’re doing your form correctly. Most should have a little illustration on them as how to use it properly, if you don’t have the confidence to talk to someone at the gym to demonstrate it to you. Otherwise, ask one of the trainers because they honestly want you to use the gym, use it safely, have correct form and they want their product to be used and for you to get the best results.

Is there anything I haven’t asked you that you want to add before we go?

I think in summary it’s about finding balance overall. If you are completing exercise or want to start, then work with your gym on how to do that and remember your body needs fuel for that exercise. Complement this with great nutrition, getting the sleep you need sleep, ensure you have time for your own mental health and having time for enjoying life – you need to look at what factors of your life are really are important to you, see how you get balance across them and see how you protect them.

After all, we work to live, not live to work!

If you’re in Sydney, you can find Dade at Hiscoes gym in Surry Hills. Visit www.hiscoes.com.au.

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: balance, change, corporate, exercise, gym, happiness, health, inspiration, mental health, nutrition, resilience, resiliency, satisfaction, sleep, work

VIDEO: Weathering the Change Storm

16/02/2020 by Marie

We’re all living in a Change Storm and experiencing more change, more often than ever before. It’s making us sick, with anxiety, stress and burnout.

In this video, I share some of the results of my research and the secret to why some people are resilient, while others are not. Learn about the three foundations to build your mental strength and resilience, so you can weather the Change Storm and cope with anything life throws at you.

See transcript below.

Want to know more? You can find out more about the Change Storm and how to build your resilience, or read about My story.

Dealing with the Change Storm

There are science-backed activities you can do to better manage your stress and build your resiliecy. Check out my posts under the below topics for some ideas on how to manage your stress, or speak to a professional.

Community and Connection: Connecting with others and contributing to your community are proven to build emotional resiliency and make your life happier. It is so important not to neglect this part of your life, especially if it doesn’t come easily, like when work is really busy or if you’re a natural introvert.

Health and Wellbeing: Your health and wellbeing is critical to your happiness. Luckily, there is a wealth of information about how to make small changes to your life to make it healthier and improve your wellbeing.

Meaning and Purpose: Having a sense of meaning and purpose in life is critical to resiliency and living a happy life. You need it to thrive and flourish. It’s about having a reason to get out of bed in the morning, setting goals and having commitments. Some lucky people get that purpose through their job, but many of us get our purpose through other activities such as volunteering, learning or experiencing new things or caring for others.


TRANSCRIPT: Weathering the Change Storm

Now, more than any other time in human history, we’re experiencing more change, more often than ever before. It’s a change storm. And it can feel like it’s raining down on us, and there’s hailstones pelting us. And there’s that sideways rain, and it’s even raining cats and dogs… and even men.

There is no escaping change today. So why are we so bad at coping with it? Now I’m no stranger to change. I come from an elite sports background, having played volleyball for Australia and on scholarship in the states college. I started my career as a journalist working with USA Today and then moving to large multinational organizations, where I coached senior executives.

But a couple of years ago, I was on holidays with a friend when I had a motorbike accident and I nearly died. But that wasn’t the worst of it.

The worst part wasn’t being told I’d probably have to have my leg amputated.

And it wasn’t the three months in hospital, the 12 surgeries, the years of pain and rehab.

The worst part was a few months after the accident, shortly after I got home.

One day, I started crying. And I wheeled myself into my bedroom and put myself to bed and that’s where my husband found me when he got home from work that night. And that’s where I stayed crying for the next four days. It was the start of a very long journey to regain my mental health.

And when I got out of that dark space, I started talking to people who’d been through major life changes. And I went from feeling alone and confused about what I’d gone through to feeling indignant that so many people I spoke to had similar stories to mine. They had been through major change and they hadn’t coped.

So I ask you again, why are we not able to deal with this change when we all know it’s happening?

So being an ex journalist, I’ve spent the last few months talking to people around the world. I’ve spoken to Olympic athletes and their coaches, to former and current military personnel to people who’ve been made redundant and people who’ve retired, a second of people who’ve been given heartbreaking diagnoses and who’ve experienced trauma.

The great news is there are three foundations that people who cope with change well have.

Now this isn’t to say that those people don’t feel pain. When things go wrong, they still experience the stress of the situation. But they bounce back faster. And they don’t let it overwhelm them and lead them to depression. So I’m guessing you want to know what those three things are?

So firstly, they have purpose and meaning in their life. And for a lot of us, that means a job. But there is variety here. It’s what gets you out of bed in the morning. It’s having goals and commitments.

The second thing is they’ve got strong social bonds. They’ve invested time into a core group of people that they feel like can depend on. They also often have a wider community of people around them due to things like church, sports groups, and volunteering activities.

The third thing these people have is that they practice and prioritize health and wellness habits. Now the habits themselves can vary between things like yoga, practicing gratitude and mindfulness, to hardcore gym junkies or simply eating healthfully and drinking water. But they prioritize those habits in their lives over the other things that get in the way of day to day life.

Now, you’re probably wondering what happened to me and how I got myself out of that mental health hole and to be honest, it was dumb luck. Two things happened around the same time.

Being an athlete, I was getting bored with my rehab, it was going a bit too slowly. And one day I rolled into my physio, and I said I’ve just booked my flights to Machu Picchu, we’ve got a year to get me there. And last October, I did hike Machu Picchu [applause]. But that gave me a goal gave me a purpose and it lit a fire.

The second thing that happened around the same time is a good friend of mine railroaded me into coaching Sydney’s LGBTQ first ever competitive volleyball club. And what I didn’t know at the time is that those crazy, loving, fabulous men would give me back my community and my social bonds that I’d lost when I’d come home from hospital all of a sudden. And I can’t thank them enough.

So if there’s two things that I want to leave you with today, firstly, if you’re going through change, please know that you’re not alone if you’re struggling.

Secondly, you will all go through change at some point in your future. So take stock of your life. Look at those three things — workaholics in particular — make sure there is balance and you’re investing in your social bonds and the people around you and that you’re taking time to look after yourself.

Thank you

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: change, change storm, health, meaning, mental health, purpose, resilience, self care, social bonds, video

How to be happy – 50 science-backed ways to improve your happiness

12/01/2020 by Marie

Are you looking for some ideas or inspiration to help reduce anxiety, build resiliency, cope with the stresses of modern life or lift your mood?

Positive Psychology is a fairly new sub-field within the study of psychology. It is the study of happiness and looks at how people can live a more fulfilling, satisfying and meaningful life. There has been an explosion of research over the past couple of decades, and one thing is absolutely obvious: you can practice happiness.

Happiness is not about being in a constant state of joy, or about being on a constant high all the time. It’s about positivity and mental wellbeing. It’s enjoying the good times and being able to bounce back from the bad times. It’s grieving when we need to grieve and being resilient when we need resilience.

Take a read below of the top 50 science-backed activities you can incorporate into your life that are proven to help you be happy. Try one or try them all. Try them once or make them a part of your daily, weekly or monthly habits.

But remember, as author Stephen Covey said, “The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” So, if you want to be happier or reduce stress, anxiety and negative emotions, pick a few of the below options that work for you, and schedule them into your weekly planner.

50 tips for how to be happy

1. Get a pet or interact with animals

The research shows that interacting with pets increased cortisol levels, making you happier.

2. Build a growth mindset

Having a growth mindset means you never stop learning. Now research shows that it also impacts how you see the world and makes you more likely to thrive in life.

3. Practice smiling

Science shows that once you smile, feedback loops go back to the brain which reinforce feelings of joy and happiness.

4. Be authentic to yourself and your truth

Humanistic psychologists have shown that as their clients become more authentic, they become happier and their psychological wellbeing increases.

5. Reduce your commute time

There are many changes you can make to your life to impact your happiness levels, and one of them is moving closer to work or finding a way to reduce your commute time. It turns out that having a bigger house doesn’t make up for having a longer commute.

6. Plan a holiday

Holidays are great, we all know that — take them whenever you can. But did you know that the biggest boost in your happiness comes not from the vacation itself, but from the act of planning the vacation?

7. Take your lunchbreak and get outside in the sun

A recent study shows that spending time by the sea makes people happier. It also showed that just being outdoors makes you happier — preferably in a non-urban environment, but hey, we’ll take what we can get!

8. Make time for family

There is substantial research into the benefits of close social bonds, but this study looks at the economic impact of having a happy marriage, and a good social life. The results? Good relationships and social bonds not only make you happier, they also make you richer!

9. Meditate

There are many types of meditation, and they all help with happiness. Research shows that participants report feeling more positive emotions and more energetic.

10. Eat lots of fruit and vegies

There is increasing research linking a healthy body to a healthy mind, including this study that showed eating more fruit and vegies led to an increase in motivation and vitality.

11. Discover your purpose or meaning

This one is a no-brainer. Many, many studies have shown that having purpose or meaning is key to happiness. But how do you find your purpose? Check out this article for some inspiration.

12. Do some gardening and plant a tree

Not only does being around trees increase our mental wellbeing, it also has a positive impact on our immune system! Who knew?

13. Practice self-compassion

Give yourself a break! Constantly aiming to be better is exhausting and focusing on what’s ‘wrong’ or needs improvement can lead to negative self-talk. So make sure you balance things out with some self-love and positive talk, or even better, work to stop judging yourself altogether.

14. Be social

Humans are genetically wired to be social animals, after all there is strength in numbers! So make sure you take the time to be social, even if you’re busy or introverted. You could meet a friend for coffee or organise a group to have dinner.

15. Buy some happiness

Let’s be clear: money doesn’t buy happiness (as long as you have enough to cover your basic needs). But you can use money to pay someone else to do the things you don’t like and free up some time for you to do things that will bring you joy.

16. Cut down on sugar

I’m so sad to see this one on the list, but not only is sugar bad for our waistlines, it may also increase our long-term risk of mental health disorders according to this study. Best to limit sugar to special occasions if you can.

17. Find happy people to be around

Sometimes we need to protect ourselves and cut toxic relationships out of our lives. But, have you stopped to consider the impact your partner’s happiness has on your life? Research shows that people with happier partners live longer! A thought worth considering when you’re dating. If that ship has sailed, then why not do something nice for your partner to bring a smile to their face once you’ve finished reading this article?

18. Find time for your close friends

Life gets busy, we know, but it’s important to keep your relationships strong, particularly as you age. This recent study shows that having just one strong friendship is enough to stave off mental decline as we age.

19. Find or create moments of awe in your life

Studies show that experiencing moments of awe makes us moregenerous and patient, and helps you deal with stress better.

20. Prioritise positivity

This is a tried and tested hypothesis and it’s true: how you see the world impacts your mental wellbeing. Or put another way, your beliefs affect your emotional experiences. Why not try this little trick to bring some more positivity into your life?

21. Have a family meal

We know that being social is important, so family mealtime is a no brainer, we have to eat so why not do it together? But what you may not know is that eating together benefits your kids’ mental and physical health. So, try to prioritise at least one family meal per day where you put phones and distractions away and be present with each other!

22. Have a laugh at yourself

You might think that people who are self-deprecating have lower self-esteem, but this study shows it’s the opposite, and people who make fun of themselves are in fact happier and better socially adjusted.

23. Learn to forgive your mistakes and accept yourself

It’s one thing to practice positive self-talk, but why not take it even further and forgive yourself altogether and accept your faults. In this study, acceptance was the habit that was most strongly linked to life satisfaction.

24. Try yoga

Yoga is a mind-body practice that has risen in popularity over recent decades, and it has also recently been proven to help people with depression.

25. Get creative

Find a passion and get creative, you could try writing, dancing, acting, cooking, painting or any number of other creative pursuits. No matter what you choose, one thing is sure, being creative helps people deal with trauma and is helpful to both physical and mental wellbeing.

26. Have (a little bit of) chocolate

Studies into how eating chocolate impacts mood showed either an improvement in mood or a reduction of negative mood.

27. Get a dog

Having a dog has been proven to increase physical health — after all you have to take them for walks. But dogs are also good for mental health too. Studies show that owning a dog reduces a person’s risk of premature death by up to a third!

28. Be kind

Kindness increases happiness, energy, the love hormone (oxytocin), pleasure and it even increases your lifespan. It’s also really easy to practice and has recently started a global movement you can get involved in #RandomActsOfKindness

29. Attend a spiritual retreat

A study showed that people who attend spiritual retreats report greater psychological well-being and show retreats may increase levels of “feel-good” hormones in the brain.

30. Build your work friendships

Positive and warm relationships at work can make us feel happier and healthier, while also increasing productivity.

31. Take a break or limit overuse of social media

We’ve all heard the doomsday reports on the negative effects of social media. It turns out the key to social media is to be active in your use (not passive). When used actively to build or maintain social ties, social media can be a positive force, but beware of passively scrolling through feeds for hours — this can lead to liking yourself less and feeling envy. Also taking a week off can boosts well-being too. In the end, the research says to use social media wisely, deliberately and sparingly.

32. Take a moment to look at nature

On your way to work? Popping into the shops? Wherever you are, be sure to stop and smell the roses, or at least notice them. Research says that observing nature — wherever you may be — will make you feel happier.

33. Cook a new recipe for dinner

Cooking is a form of self-care and cooking for others is a way of nurturing people and sharing a meal is a great way to create deeper social bonds.

34. Practice loving kindness

Research has shown that helping others through acts of charity or volunteer work can make you feel better and happier, but more recent research finds that simply wishing someone well may have a similarly positive effect on our moods.

35. Get active

A study that examined data from almost 34,000 people has found that as little as one-hour of exercise per week, regardless of intensity, can help to prevent depression. So, get out there and something, anything, for just an hour and you can reap the benefits!

36. Give up smoking

Sorry smokers, I know it feels like everyone is ganging up on you, and I don’t have good news for you either. Research shows that giving up smoking is linked to greater happiness and elevated mood.

37. Get enough consistent sleep

Recent research has suggested sleep should be considered a major public health concern, and shows that the effects of a good night’s sleep are as beneficial for our happiness and well-being as winning the lottery might be!

38. Play some happy music

Music has not only been proven to help people with anxiety and depression, but it is also a major key to happiness, alleviating pain, keeping your brain healthy and improving mood.

39. Take control over your life

Developing greater control over your life can help you make important life decisions and feel less overwhelmed, stuck and lost. Read on for 7 ways to take control of your life.

40. Go for a hike in the mountains or a walk along the beach

Researchers have found that simply going for a leisurely walk can improve mood and boost subjective well-being, particularly for adults who are normally sedentary.

41. Go outside

The findings are in: the more green space in the neighbourhood, the happier people report feeling. Quite simply, if you want to feel better, just go outside.

42. Be generous

Research shows giving to others activates an area of the brain linked with contentment and the reward cycle. So, performing selfless acts makes you happier.

43. Get a cat

You either love ’em or hate ’em, but the benefits are clear, cats make our lives happier and healthier.

44. Join a choir or sing with friends

Music helps to synchronise our bodies and our brains, making it the perfect social glue. Participants in a sing-along reported feeling closer and more connected because of the experience of singing together.

45. Do some volunteer work

Research has shown that volunteering is rewarding in and of itself, and helping others is a way to higher individual wellbeing.

46. Set some goals and work to achieve them

Research shows that people who are making progress toward or are achieving meaningful goals are happier. Whether they’re health and fitness goals, or family goals, or work goals, the key is to be making progress.

47. Practice gratitude

In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships. One tip that has shown results is to keep a gratitude journal.

48. Forgive others

Forgiving others is a great way to let go of negativity. Follow this guide to work through the 9 steps to forgiving someone.

49. Have sex with someone you love

A number of studies have shown that sex is a key ingredient of a happy marriage — producing and ‘afterglow’ that can last up to two days.

50. Chasing happiness can have the opposite effect!

Beware chasing happiness for the sake of happiness. The above tips are all great activities you can pursue that have been proven to increase happiness and/or decrease negative moods and feelings. But it’s worth pointing out in our last tip that simply chasing happiness is not the way to find it.

Conclusion

The research shows that you can’t chase happiness, but you can fill your life with new and novel experiences, preferably shared with friends and family, that bring meaning to your life and the lives of others. If you can find the balance between the activities that you choose, and those you must do (often your day job), you might just succeed in finding happiness.

Ever wondered how to be happy? Are you looking for a few ideas or some inspiration to help reduce anxiety, cope with the stresses of modern life, or lift your mood? Here are 50 science-backed activities you can incorporate into your life that are proven to help you be happy.

Try one or try them all, try them once or make them a part of your daily, weekly or monthly habits.

But remember, as author Stephen Covey said, “The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.”

So, if you want to be happier or reduce stress, anxiety and negative emotions, pick a few of the below options that work for you, and schedule them into your diary to make them habits.

“Work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls—family, health, friends, integrity—are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.”

Gary Keller

Share your tips for a happier life below! We’d love to hear them.


Don’t miss out! In 2020, we’ve got a jam-packed editorial calendar of science-backed content on topics like ‘the power of being bored’ and ‘the importance of finding ‘flow.’’ There will be reviews of books, research and talks in the positive psychology space, and we’ll be launching a new podcast called Happiness for Cynics. Don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss out!

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: happier, happiness, happy, inspiration, mental health, mental wellbeing, resilience, resiliency, wellbeing, wellness

Keep your mind sharp to live longer, says study

16/11/2019 by Marie

A recent study has shown that early retirement can accelerate cognitive decline. Specifically, the study found that early retirement led to poor memory or recall, which is an early predictor of dementia.

Now, I don’t want to work forever, but I am also banking on a good quality of life for at least a few years after retirement. So, what to do?

As a side note, the researchers did point out that retirees’ sleep and other physical health measures improved in retirement. But mental health… not so much.

It seems we tend to decline in brain function after retiring, unless you do these two things that positively impacted retirees’ cognitive function: maintain and foster good relationships and do things to keep your brain active.

Keep your mind sharp in retirement

“Social engagement and connectedness may simply be the single most powerful factors for cognitive performance in old age,” the study reports. “Policymakers can introduce policies aimed at buffering the reduction of social engagement and mental activities.”

So, the good news is that there’s a solution that should keep your body healthy (just retire) and your mind healthy (stay social and keep learning) well into your older years. Retirement is a good stress reductor, and if you work on having strong relationships and take a lifelong learning approach to life, you will keep your mind active and alert.

It’s not about books and classrooms

In fact, lifelong learning has been all the rage in corporate offices around the world over the past couple of years, and there’s an increasing body of evidence that we should all be focusing on lifelong learning, at every stage in our lives, not just the first 20 years.

But what if you were never really good at school to begin with? Or you made it through with flying colours but could think of nothing worse than going back? What if you never liked school or learning just isn’t your thing?

It’s true that the old adage ‘use it or lose it’ applies to our brains, but that doesn’t mean you have to spend your retirement auditing university courses. In fact, the great news is that ‘lifelong learning’ isn’t about learning at all. It’s about curiosity, which simply means wanting to learn, explore, discover and understand.

There are plenty of activities that you can do to keep your mind active, and many of them also include the added benefits of being social activities where you can meet others and build relationships too. Here are just a few:

Travel

Plan and book a holiday with family or friends. Research the things you can do and see while you’re away and read up on the area’s history before you go. You don’t even have to go far, why not plan a series of local trips to places you can drive to within 2hrs on the weekend?

Garden

Research the types of plants what would flourish in your garden and then buy the bulbs and plant a garden. Speak to the people at your local gardening store to ask questions and get advice.

Volunteer

Reach out to a local church or national organisation in your area to find a volunteer opportunity that suits your natural talents and interests. If you were a nurse, you could now read to sick kids in hospital. If you were in the Army, you could help at the local Scout hall.

Exercise

There are many activities now for retirees, try asking at your local library, council or reach out to a national organisation to enquire about local programs. If you are new to exercising, you can try low impact activities like Tai Chi, water aerobics, or dancing.

Why not try one of these activities to keep your mind sharp in retirement? Or come up with one of your own? It’s never too late to start incorporating a Lifelong Learning approach into your life.

Related reading: 3 ways to bring inspiration into your daily life

Leave a comment!

What do you like to do to keep your mind active? Share your ideas by leaving a comment below!


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Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: lifelong learning, mental health, mind, retirees, retirement, retiring

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