What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say
Sometimes it can be hard to know how to support a friend when they’re having a tough time. Everyone has bad days. That’s life, right? Those are the times we rally around our friends or family and let them have a vent over a bowl of ice-cream or a bottle of wine.
But sometimes it’s more than a bad day. Has your heart ever broken for what someone you love has just told you? Maybe they’ve just lost a love one, or they’ve been given a terminal medical diagnosis, and you just don’t know what to say or how to support. Or maybe you’ve noticed a change in someone’s behaviour, and you’re worried about them, but you don’t know what’s wrong or whether they even want to talk.
Sometimes what someone says is so horrible and outside our own personal experience that it leaves us speechless. Sometimes it’s so bad that what they really need is professional support to deal with the horrors and trials of life.
So how should you support a friend when they’re having a tough time? How you can be a good friend to someone who is grieving or struggling with life if you’re not a trained counsellor or psychologist?
How to Support a Friend When They’re Having a Tough Time
When it’s an Emergency
To start with, let’s be clear, if someone is in immediate danger, call 000 (in Australia).
How to Start the Conversation
If your friend hasn’t opened the door to the conversation, but you can tell something is up, you need to be sure they want to talk about with you. You could start by asking “I notice you’re not yourself lately, if you think it would be helpful, I’m always around to talk about whatever is going on.” Then leave them with that, and if they want to, they can choose to talk to you, you’re not forcing them.
But do remember, if someone opens up to you once, you shouldn’t continue to follow up with them about it every time you see them from then on. Your friend might need to talk it through only once, and might be ready to move on now that you’ve supported them. In fact, constantly hashing it out might be stopping them from moving on. So, let them come back to you to talk again if they want to, or not if that’s what they choose – but leave it up to them.
Listen and Leave Your Judgement at the Door
Once your friend decides to open up to you, the first thing to remember is to leave all judgement behind. For instance, a crisis for one person is not a crisis for another. It might not be anything near a crisis for you, but you should remember that if it’s a crisis for that person, then it’s a crisis. Your job is to listen respectfully.
Secondly, remember that if someone thinks they’re in a crisis, it can take a huge amount of trust and courage to open up to someone. If that person is you, then your friend is putting a lot of trust in you. The best way to repay that trust is to let your friend talk. You can and should ask questions, but stop yourself from drawing parallels with your story, because it might not align to their values or view and that misalignment can quickly break that trust and stop your friend from being truly honest with you. Again, your job is to listen, leave any judgement or personal stories at the door and simply be there for your friend.
Don’t try to Solve Things
You might mean well, but remember you’re not a medical professional, counsellor or therapist. As a friend, your role is not to solve anything. Your role is to listen. A quick tip is to remember to listen with the intent to listen, not with the intent to reply. Your first job is to make your friend feel heard.
Ask Questions to Empower. Don’t Give Advice or try to Solve the Problem.
Sometimes when someone is in an emotional state, they can’t see the answers or way forward. Their thoughts and ability to think logically are often overwhelmed by the chaos of their thoughts. This can be really frustrating because looking from the outside in, you might feel like the answers or ways forward are just so obvious.
Remember, you don’t want to solve your friend’s problems, you want to listen and make them feel heard. If you try to solve someone else’s problem, you are making them completely depending on you. When what they need more than anything is to be empowered to make their own decisions. Don’t make someone dependent on you.
If you can see a path forward that your friend can’t see, you can gently ask questions that can help steer them to finding an answer themselves. Ask, and what do you think? What would you like?
Beware of Re-traumatising
Be careful of a friend who wants to retell you the story again and again and again. This can potentially re-traumatise them each time they tell the story, and rather than helping it can make it worse for your friend and potentially deepen the level of trauma. Try to contain conversations to avoid causing more harm. We know that talking can help, but if your friend is stuck, they may need to talk to a professional.
Also, be aware that these conversations can take their toll on your mental health and resilience too. They can start to traumatise you too! Keep an eye on your mental health and if you need to, make sure you look after yourself too by debriefing with a friend whom you trust.
Offer Additional Services That Might be Helpful
As we mentioned earlier in the article, you are not a professional, and it’s important to know when to hand over to a professional. If you’re worried about your friend’s mental health, you can get online and look up resources that could be useful. There is a range of free and confidential services you can find online – see below for some options.
Here’s the catch, remember, you don’t want to solve someone’s problems for them, so when it comes to sharing the website or phone numbers for support services, you want to offer it as an option.
You can say something like: “I can hear that you really are struggling financially. Lots of people in your situation find financial counsellors helpful, please let me know if you want me to find a number for you or we can go online and look together.”
Lastly, as frustrating as it might be, you can only provide resources for people, you can’t force them to get professional help. It has to be their decision to get help. You can, however, ask what it is about getting
Getting Help
If you or a loved one needs help or support, you can call the below free and confidential services 27/4 in Australia.
For crisis support and suicide prevention, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or visit their website at www.lifeline.org.au.
For anxiety, depression any other mental health challenges, call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or visit their website at www.beyondblue.org.au
Related reading: Where are you on the Coronavirus Change Curve?
აპლიკაციების დამზადება says
572107 80845There is noticeably a great deal of dollars to recognize about this. I suppose you produced particular good points in functions also. 208152
รับขัดหินอ่อน says
210595 539960I discovered your blog internet site site on google and appearance some of your early posts. Preserve up the fantastic operate. I just extra increase Feed to my MSN News Reader. Seeking for toward reading far much more by you later on! 436987
ExpressVPN says
The blog site offers a variety of ways to interact with other users, including the ability to comment on posts and join in on discussions. This content-rich environment is a great place to learn and share ideas.
คาสิโนออนไลน์ says
415982 233331Hello! I basically would like to give a huge thumbs up for the fantastic info youve here on this post. I may well be coming back to your weblog for much more soon. 639758
Sandra says
interesting this articles gave me same ideas of how to support friends who are going through difficult times without taking over and just being there when nrecessary
Lea says
Great advice, it can be hard to know what to say when supporting a friend in need and especially at the moment it’s so important for us all to be there for each other.