Happiness for Cynics podcast – episode 7

Research shows that being alone is good for you. Who knew that introverts’ constant search for ‘me time’ could be making them happier and more creative. Here’s your 3-steps guide to being alone.

Transcription

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and change and transformation expert, and my co-host is Peter Furness, Peter?

P: Hi there, I’m Peter Furness a wanna be lunch time guru, fantasy dragon lover and all around thrill seeker with insular tendencies. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology otherwise known as happiness.

M: Yes, you can find us both at marieskelton.com. And the site uses a lot of the same research we talk about here on the podcast. So if you want to follow up with anything we’ve spoken about head on over there, you can also follow my musings and shared research on Twitter at Murray Stilton. So on today’s episode, which is all about being alone.

[Happy music]

M: So today we’re talking about the importance of being alone.

P: Solo time, don’t we all crave it at one point in the day.

M: Well I think you and I do because we’re introverts.

P: This is what we’re going to talk about introvert, extravert and somewhere on that sliding scale in between.

M: Yep, yep. So I think we crave it but I don’t know I’m not an extravert. So do they crave alone time? Anyway, that’s for later.

P: [Laugh] Let’s not get a head of ourselves, Marie. OK, before we go there, let’s dive into what it actually means, what the doing is. It’s well documented that social connection is important to happiness, Humans are community people, we need people around us. We’ve evolved from family groups, hunter/gatherer groups and that’s gone through to modern times that we’ve talked about the importance of having your close relationships, having people around you that make you a better person all that it takes to raise a child stuff. But being lonely and having alone time is just as important.

M: Well, no, there’s a difference between being alone [and lonely], I think is what you want to say. So what we’re talking about here –

P: – Is that what I meant to say? …That’s what I meant to say.

M: Yes, that’s what we discussed earlier.

P: So, I did get that wrong.

M: Ssshh, don’t tell anyone.

[Laughter]

M: So, to, expand on that statement. What we’re talking about here is the fact that human beings are social by nature, by design and by evolution. But that today we want to talk about the opposite of that which is deliberately choosing to be alone. And what we’re not talking about or addressing in today’s episode is being lonely. Which is not a choice.

P: Yeah, being lonely is different from having alone time.

M: Yep, definitely. So back to, what you’re saying about human evolution and me being an introvert. What I see is a world that’s designed by extroverts for extroverts. It’s designed for people to be social from classrooms with 20 or 30 Children in them to group work at university and open office environments. It feels like an extrovert’s playground out there. Everything is designed, whether or not we’re succeeding at that is another matter, is designed for being social.

P: OK

M: And that stands to reason, because there’s positive benefits to that. So in sports and at work the happy and outgoing and positive and popular people, the ones that get promoted or put into leadership positions, while the quiet achievers can often get overlooked. And there’s a whole lot of research out there that supports that particularly in western societies, where individualistic tendencies are much higher.

P: It’s funny because when I read that quote I instantly went ‘Oh is that true? Do the introverts always get looked over?’ and we briefly brought this up earlier in the episode where I said I’m not sure that stands to reason in certain echelons or groups or circles. I mean, when you get to the upper tier of their some sporting organisations and things like that it comes down to more than introvert/extravert. But we also talked about cultural influences and whether certain cultures that are extravert, now you and I are both know what it was like to play volleyball with Asians and Brazilians.

[Laughter]

M: That was a culture clash.

P: And in the middle were the little Australians going I don’t understand!

M: Yep

P: I think that’s interesting at the line at which, it can be very general in that the world is built for extraverts. There is some areas in there were introverts can succeed and if you are naturally an introvert, it’s not a barrier. That’s what I’m going to throw at you. It’s there’s a way through it.

M: Name them?

P: Aaagghh, [laugh] don’t ask me for science Marie.

M: I’m calling you out

[Laughter]

M: I think there are certain career paths in particular where you can succeed as an introvert but you won’t make it into the leadership echelons.

P: And this is where you probably have more of a background than I do.

M: Yeah, look we could spend a whole episode talking about that, but let’s, let’s firstly clear up what we mean by introvert and extravert.

P: Yes, definitely.

M: So what I’m talking about and there are millions of different definitions out there and ways of looking at it. But when I think of an introvert, I talk about introverts, being energised from being alone and extroverts, being energised from being with people. Now I’m an introvert, and it’s not to say that I’m not social or I don’t have a lot of friends. It just means that I do everything in my power to find me time –

[Laughter]

M: – And I love people, and I really, honestly, genuinely care about people. But too much people drives me crazy, and I just need to come home and hide, and I get wound up. So after a day of work, I just need to come home and have some quiet time and some me time. Unwind.

P: I think everybody needs it when they walk in the door. I think it’s that, having that space. When I first moved in with a flat mate in Townsville, poor Alice she was so lovely, so I would come home and I made it very clear when we moved in together that when I come home from work, I need half an hour of quiet time. And she was like ‘Oh, OK.’ It was me on the floor with my Buddha’s and candles, and the soft music, doing my yoga and Alice was amazing, she would just shut up and she’d just sit there and watch and be very quiet and respectful of my me time. Who does that in a shared household? [Laugh]

M: Yeah, so when I first got married.

P: OOOHHH

M: [Laugh] We’re sharing.

P: [Raucous Laughter]

M: I had to have that conversation, my husband, because I’d get home and he would be all over me, which is lovely and sweet.

P: Aawww, how sweet.

But how do you tell someone, F off, I need my time, you know.

[Laughter]

M: The problem is between the pinging of my phone, the expectations of friends and family, the realities of work and life. It feels like a constant tug a constant struggle, and it can often feel like the world just isn’t built for introverts, and I feel the pressure to be present and available.

P: Your story’s not uncommon Marie. It’s estimated that anywhere from 20 to 50% of the population are introverts or have introverted tendencies, characteristics as we talked about that sliding scale, you’ve got to try and find that balance between being social and being out there and also finding the opportunities to get away, to recharge to spend time with the self. And that’s probably really what we’re going to be talking about in this episode of being important is finding the ways and the ways to achieve being alone.

M: So, what we’re saying is that it’s not that introverts don’t want or need to be around people; It’s just that we need more balance between the time with and without other people.

P: and that’s a very individual thing.

M: So what we’re saying really is that extroverts and introverts are all social beings, it’s just the degree of contact that varies, right?

P: Yeah

M: And the science backs that up. It says, be social. The key to happiness is being social and having tight connections and good community bonds. It helps to fight loneliness, which is becoming more and more of an issue with the elderly-

P: – and not just the elderly the youth population as well.

M: Yep, true. Absolutely. So being social is super important. But here’s my question to you Pete.

Does it hold true then that all our time should be spent on social pursuits and that we should not be, we should never be unsocial?

P: Absolutely not. [Laugh] Investing in alone time is vital. We all need to do it. We may have been overlooking the benefits to being alone, sometimes when we think we have to be social we have to be out there and doing things. Research shows that introverts constant search for me time could actually make them happier and make them more creative. There’s a wonderful book by Julia Cameron called ‘The Artist’s Way’, where she talks about not being only alone in terms of a creative pursuit, but by locking yourself away you can actually step fully into yourself and step fully, immerse yourself, in your solo world and that could be incredibly rewarding. And it’s not just about sitting there and meditating. It’s about painting, about writing that flow that we talked about before accessing the flow space can be a real investment in the self. And if you can celebrate that. In her book she talks about a lot of the stuff that ways to access that, it’s a really good read for someone who may not even be creative, but how to tap into that creative space because it does celebrate and reward the alone time.

There’s another concept out there. The art of dating yourself. I really like this one. It’s honouring the self and investing as much time into a date with you as you would with a date with someone else. Taking yourself to the movies, taking yourself to a restaurant and having dinner on your own and really celebrating it, having a nice glass of wine with a candle on your own, it’s not a bad thing.

M: I really like the idea of taking yourself to the movies alone, because there’s always those guilty pleasures that you don’t want to own up to.

[Laughter]

M: I mean, I don’t know each to their own. You might be a secret Trekkie fan or Harry Potter fan, maybe like Twilight and you’re a 50 year old man. I’m not judging.

[Laughter]

M: This is a great way to get away and treat yourself.

P: [Laugh] I have it with Disney.

M: and not have to share it. [Laugh]

P: I’ve always been a Disney fan… I’m there lining up with kids and I’m on my own and all the parents are looking at me like I’m crazy. And I’m like no, no, no, I’m just a Disney aficionado, I like it. And I’ll happily sit there on my own and all the little kiddies are ranting and raving and I’m like “Ssshhh!! Be quiet, it’s Mickey.”

M: And I’m going to eat the whole bucket of popcorn be myself. [Laugh]

P: Oh Yeah [Laugh]

Moving along there’s a really wonderful quote by someone who I really admire, good old Nigella Lawson, god bless her. She’s a bit of an icon in terms of the celebrity chef world. She was in Australia recently with The School of Life. She was talking about cooking for yourself and one of her concepts. One of her quotes actually is: ‘I always think it’s a pity when people say they don’t cook anymore, because it’s just me.’ Nigella talks about thoroughly believing in the importance to cook for yourself, cooking for yourself for a long time. It could just be bread and cheese, but it could also be a three course meal. It’s a symbolic gesture to yourself that it’s important to say I will take care of me. It’s investing time, and I’ve done it when I’ve come home from work or a volleyball match or something at 11:30 and I’ve gone yeah I’m going to cook a roast and I’m going to have a glass of wine and I’m going to put it on the table. Like sitting down at the table on your own and people are like ‘wow, why are you doing it, you’re on your own?’

M: Because it’s about shifting your mind set from it being a chore. To, looking after yourself, being an act of self-care. So to get to the research because that’s my job [Laugh],

P: [Laugh] Back to the science Marie.

M: I’ve got a couple of studies here about the importance of being alone. So firstly, Russian researchers Martin Lynch, Sergey Ishanov and Dmitri Leontiev have investigated the phenomenon of positive solitude where people choose to spend time alone for contemplation, reflection or, as you mentioned, creativity. Then they found that being alone leads to more positive emotions like relaxation and calm. But they also get a greater sense of pleasure and meaning, meaning and satisfaction, purpose, happiness there all so interlinked. So this is definitely a great topic for us to be covering, given that we talk about happiness because the ties to meaning and happiness are so clear according to the research.

And then there’s another study, which was discussed in medical news today, which confirms that individuals who have balance between social interactions and periods of chosen isolation are highly creative.

P: Win for the Artists!

M: [Laugh] Again, going back to that introvert/ extravert scale and, you can definitely have too much of a good thing and too much of a bad thing, right. So there is a line where people become too shy and they avoid others, and that’s crossing the line. But simply choosing –

P: That’s not balance.

M: Yeah, and that’s when you’re at risk of being lonely when you’re shyness stops your ability to interact with others.

P: Locks you away yeah, it becomes a barrier.

M: But they did find that simply choosing to spend time alone wasn’t a bad thing. In fact the opposite. The lead researcher, University Buffalo’s Julie Bowker, said ‘Some individuals spend more time alone than others but also regularly spend time socialising.’ And that’s the group of individuals that may get just enough peer interaction so that when they’re alone they’re able to enjoy the solitude. ‘They’re able to think creatively and develop new ideas, like an artist in a studio or an academic in his or her office.’

So it’s, again that old chestnut balance.

[Laughter]

P: The Yin and the Yang.

M: Social beings out there who have a world that is their playground. What we’re saying to you is, try being alone with yourself. It’s healthy, and it also helps you to process and find that creativity.

P: It allows thoughts to drop in and out as well. Sometimes you need that quiet time where things will drop in to your thought consciousness. One of the interesting things is, I’m just thinking here, with that research here would be looking at serotonin and dopamine levels and neuro-transmitter measurements, I wonder if there’s any research out there, we might have to come back to that one in another article. But I’d be really interested to see if there has been studies on those neurotransmitter releases during periods of solo time and contemplation. I’m going to put that there for myself to actually follow up with that one.

M: I think that the, so if you go do what we were talking about a couple of episodes ago with flow, you go right or there’s definite links to what happens in the brain when you meditate. I definitely think that when they’re talking about solo time, they’re talking about the exact activities that are leading to those changes in your brain that are giving you positive effect.

P: And it’s not just in the brain but in your whole Central Nervous System, that all follows through.

Three steps to being alone as opposed to being lonely. Marie?

M: Sure. So we’ve got three steps here to help you if you’re wondering how to go about this so firstly schedule it, schedule alone time. If you feel every waking hour with family, friends and activities, being alone might feel a bit weird to start with, so first thing to do is schedule me time. Another big trend that we’re seeing a lot right now is the self-care trend, and this, this ties in very nicely with that. So plan a date with yourself block out your calendar and tell your family you’re taking some time for you.

Secondly, find an activity that works for you. So once you’ve got that time blocked out and you’ve prioritised it. There are many things you can choose to do, and the only limitation is that you do it alone and without interruptions so you could plan a self-care or pamper date with yourself. Go to the spa, get a massage, have a long bath. Or you could go to a coffee shop or a space you enjoy and read a book for a few hours. You could maybe sign up to learn something like meditation or yoga or go for a walk in nature or plan to do something awe inspiring, which we’ve also spoken about and which can definitely give you all of those positive. Yeah serotonin. And do you want to do the third one, Pete?

P: Yeah, Being mindful. Once you’ve scheduled that me time put that in your diary and so forth, definitely sure you can get the benefits. That means turning off the phone, making sure that you don’t get interrupted. Making sure that outside influences don’t impact on that alone time, and that can be difficult at first, it’s like doing meditation. There are Monks out there who talk about meditation being so difficult it’s really hard to sit with. It is, Monks spend their lives dedicated to perfecting that that craft. But just because you’re starting with meditation doesn’t mean you need to be good at it. You could be a bad meditator. You can sit there, and go that’s five minutes and I’m done, I’m checking out and that’s fine [be]cause it’s five minutes and it’s a start. So making sure that you set that time aside and be disciplined with yourself, so turning off the TV and Radio, the phone the computer and all that stuff. Setting expectations that you won’t be contacted, understanding that you need to be focused on this five minutes. So if It’s only five minutes, make it a good five minutes. Really invest in it. Appreciate the moments and take the time to allow those thoughts and that, spontaneous things to drop in.

M: Okay, so three steps again, schedule your alone time, find an activity that works for you and be mindful with your alone time. All right, that’s all we have time for today. So thanks for joining us. If you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast.

P: And remember you called Abby…

M: until next time.

P & M: Bye

Meet besties Marie and Pete

Marie Skelton is an Australian writer, speaker, and change and resiliency expert. She started her career in journalism before working in public affairs and then specialising in organisational and culture change for some of the world’s largest tech and financial services companies, both in Australia and the U.S. She also played volleyball for Australia and on scholarship at a D1 university in the U.S. and she captained the NSW Women’s Volleyball team in the Australian Volleyball League.

Following a motorbike accident that nearly took her life, and leg, she began researching change and resiliency to find out how people cope with major life changes and why some people are really good at dealing with whatever life throws at them, while others struggle. She is passionate about mental health and writes about how to cope with today’s Change Storm and maintain mental wellness.  

Peter Furness is just plain awesome. He loves unicorns and champagne. Pete is the owner of Max Remedial, and a qualified remedial therapist and has worked all over the world with professional athletes, dancers, sporting organisations and medical professionals. Peter’s practice is influenced by his interest in Eastern philosophy and he works closely with Chinese and Ayurvedic practitioners, approaching the body from the principles of ancient medicine.

Peter has practiced Asstanga Yoga for 20 years and combines these principles with his approach to health.

Peter was also an award-winning contemporary dancer in Australia and in the UK.