Unapologetically Marie

Writer, podcaster, mental health advocate

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Finding Happiness and Resiliency

Finding happiness and resiliency is about having balance across three areas in your life: community & connection; health & wellbeing; and meaning & purpose.

Are you Making These 3 Happiness Mistakes?

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Could you be Subconsciously Hurting Your Happiness Levels With These 3 Happiness Mistakes?

Arguably, everyone wants to be happy. Yet it’s not something we teach in school or around the dinner table. There’s no easy fix and no pill (that’s legal or sustainable anyway). But, don’t fret, there is good news. The relatively new field of positive psychology teaches us that it’s possible to positively affect your own happiness through self-care habits and a positive mindset.

But what if you’re doing all that and you’re still not happy, what if you’re accidentally sabotaging your own happiness? Check out these three happiness mistakes you’re making that could be hurting your happiness levels.

Three Common Happiness Mistakes

1. Comparing Yourself to Others

There’s an idea called social comparison theory that goes something like this: we are all biologically wired to try to understand ourselves and how we fit within the world around us.

How this plays out in real life is that you might feel that others around you are less successful, less accomplished, less pretty or they have fewer friends. On the flip side, you might be thinking everyone around you is prettier, smarter, richer, happier, has more friends, better health or better jobs.

Making comparisons to others is natural and normal, but the problem occurs when you compare up. This can lead to negative feelings, such as envy, poor self-esteem or unhappiness – which is the opposite of what you want to feel if you’re trying to be happier.

In the 21st century, the biggest and easiest trap is comparing your life to others’ lives on social media. A friend’s one moment of happiness can become a trigger for everything that is missing in your life. It’s a trap many of us have fallen into, thinking that others’ perfect-looking Insta lives are an actual representation of their real lives, and then feeling like our lives don’t match up.

The simple lesson here is to stop comparing your life to others. It’s easier said than done, I know, but half the battle is being aware of your behaviour. Remember, you have different values and have made different choices from other people (and that one Facebook moment you’re coveting because you think is perfect probably wasn’t so good anyway!).

A great tip to remember: if you see something on social media that makes you feel ‘less than,’ just stop and think about what matters to you. Then use that as motivation and to provide hope. Set or reaffirm your goals, then get to work on a project or tasks to meet those goals.

2. Spending too Much Time on Social Media

Social media can bring us together. It helps people to feel connected and share in laughs and good times. However, many, many studies, including this recent one, have found that passively scrolling through social media can have negative effects on people. In fact, for this reason, I wrote about how to do a social media detox not too long ago.

The simple truth is that social connection is really important to our happiness levels. This means interacting with people – real people – particularly in a face to face setting. This doesn’t mean mindlessly watching other people’s posts or reading random articles on social media.

You might feel like you’re being social – it’s called ‘social media’ after all – but it’s a lie. Scrolling through social media is something else altogether. In fact, if you’re intending on being social, even text messages and emails won’t cut it.

So, even though it’s more effort to get off the couch at the end of a busy day, make sure you schedule in some time to see and interact with real people – even if it’s at a 1.5m distance. Put down your phone and grab a drink after work, meet someone for coffee in the park, or jump on a video call with friends from out of state. Your happiness levels will thank you for it.

3. Not Prioritising Your Happiness

Another classic happiness mistake many people make is when work or family life gets really busy, they skip a gym session or cancel plans with friends. Yet, a recent study showed that the most resilient people during COVID have been those who practice self-care activities such as meditation, exercise and prayer. These people have weathered the storm and been the most positive and upbeat.

The irony is that we need our resiliency and happiness the most during times of stress, yet we cut out the activities that bring us resiliency and happiness in a misguided attempt to reduce our stress levels. It’s time to stop!

So, when things get busy and you’re stressing out, make sure that you push back on the right things, not the wrong things. Or if you just have to pitch in during a particularly busy time of year, make sure it doesn’t become a habit (a few weeks max!) and that you negotiate for some time off or shorter work weeks following the busy period.

Remember, you get one life on this planet, and it goes quickly… why would you want to be unhappy for it if you could choose otherwise? Take control and stop doing these happiness mistakes today!

Related reading: Why You Need A Social Media Detox Now

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5 Ways to Overcome the COVID Blues

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Sick of the COVID Uncertainty and Emotional Roller-Coaster?

Since COVID, nothing is certain, and it’s thrown a lot of us through a loop. For some of us, our emotions are all over the place, up some days and really low the next. For others, we’re just sick of it all and we’re just not feeling like being happy right now. Others are feeling sad, or even angry.

These mood changes are completely normal reactions to change. But you might be wondering why some people seem to be unaffected by all this uncertainty and change.

A lot of the time, those people who are thriving through COVID are the resilient ones, and resiliency is all about habits. It’s about setting up good habits when things are going well, so they maintain your physical and mental health (your resilience) for when things are going bad.

I’m sure I can hear you thinking, “well that’s all well and good, but what if things are crappy now but I never quite got around to setting up habits before?”

The good news is that although you might be feeling low now (or just going through a roller coaster of COVID emotions), there’s never a wrong time to start some good health habits — habits that can help you overcome the COVID blues.

These proven habits are all science-backed and will have a positive impact on your overall mood. Over time, these also help build resiliency, so you’re better equipped to cope with the uncertainty that goes with this new post-COVID world or anything else that 2020 decides to throw our way.

Here Are 5 Ways to Overcome the COVID Blues

You don’t have to practice all of these, just picking a couple that you can work on making into habits in your daily or weekly schedule will give you a huge boost.

1. Start a new hobby or develop a passion

Look for something to get deeply involved in or an activity for you to accomplish over time. Psychologist Mihaly Csíkszentmihályi’s research shows that people who experience a state of flow not only enjoy performing the task more, but they also have increased productivity and satisfaction, and reduced stress while increasing the quality of the output. And now that you’re all grown up, you don’t have to stick with anything if you don’t like it. So, try a social soccer league or learn the piano and the banjo at the same time. Or take a pottery or painting class or learn how to code. And throw them all out if they don’t spark that passion and try something else!

2. Sleep

Sleep and mood are so closely intertwined. We all know that when we get a bad night’s sleep, we can be grumpy the next day. But regularly get sub-optimal sleep also chips away at mood and resilience. So whether you are regularly getting less than 8 hours of sleep, or you go to bed and wake up at different times every night, the impacts are all adding up. The science is clear: the effects of regular, consistent good sleep are hugely beneficial to our happiness and well-being. If you want to focus on your sleep habits, a great app to try is the Sleep Cycle app. Sleep Cycle tracks and analyses your sleep phases, waking you up at the optimal time to help you feel well-rested and ready to tackle the day. It also provides some great insight into how you’re sleeping so you can make improvements.

3. Exercise

Getting just 20 minutes of exercise in your day can boost your mood, and it doesn’t have to be a gruelling marathon run or embarrassing gym class rope climb that leaves you feeling useless. Yes, you can actually enjoy doing exercise! Grab a loved one or put on headphones and call a friend while you do a brisk walk around the neighbourhood. You get brownie points for getting a bit of sun while you’re out too.

4. Offer to help someone else

Performing acts of kindness releases the feel-good chemicals (oxytocin and serotonin), leading to increased happiness, energy, pleasure and creativity. Studies have even shown that being kind increases your lifespan. So reach out to an organisation that you believe in or with which you might have a good skill match and spend some time giving back.

5. Start a gratitude journal

UC Berkeley’s Summer Allen writes that grateful people are happier, more satisfied, less materialistic and have better mental and physical health.  And it doesn’t have to be hard. One study showed that participants who kept a gratitude journal weekly for 10 weeks or daily for two weeks experienced more positive moods, optimism about the future, and better sleep.

Share your tips below for how you overcome the COVID blues!

Related reading: Practicing Gratitude: Why and How You Should do it

How to Support a Friend When They’re Having a Tough Time

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What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say

Sometimes it can be hard to know how to support a friend when they’re having a tough time. Everyone has bad days. That’s life, right? Those are the times we rally around our friends or family and let them have a vent over a bowl of ice-cream or a bottle of wine.

But sometimes it’s more than a bad day. Has your heart ever broken for what someone you love has just told you? Maybe they’ve just lost a love one, or they’ve been given a terminal medical diagnosis, and you just don’t know what to say or how to support. Or maybe you’ve noticed a change in someone’s behaviour, and you’re worried about them, but you don’t know what’s wrong or whether they even want to talk.

Sometimes what someone says is so horrible and outside our own personal experience that it leaves us speechless. Sometimes it’s so bad that what they really need is professional support to deal with the horrors and trials of life.

So how should you support a friend when they’re having a tough time? How you can be a good friend to someone who is grieving or struggling with life if you’re not a trained counsellor or psychologist?

How to Support a Friend When They’re Having a Tough Time

When it’s an Emergency

To start with, let’s be clear, if someone is in immediate danger, call 000 (in Australia).

How to Start the Conversation

If your friend hasn’t opened the door to the conversation, but you can tell something is up, you need to be sure they want to talk about with you. You could start by asking “I notice you’re not yourself lately, if you think it would be helpful, I’m always around to talk about whatever is going on.” Then leave them with that, and if they want to, they can choose to talk to you, you’re not forcing them.

But do remember, if someone opens up to you once, you shouldn’t continue to follow up with them about it every time you see them from then on. Your friend might need to talk it through only once, and might be ready to move on now that you’ve supported them. In fact, constantly hashing it out might be stopping them from moving on. So, let them come back to you to talk again if they want to, or not if that’s what they choose – but leave it up to them.

Listen and Leave Your Judgement at the Door

Once your friend decides to open up to you, the first thing to remember is to leave all judgement behind. For instance, a crisis for one person is not a crisis for another. It might not be anything near a crisis for you, but you should remember that if it’s a crisis for that person, then it’s a crisis. Your job is to listen respectfully.

Secondly, remember that if someone thinks they’re in a crisis, it can take a huge amount of trust and courage to open up to someone. If that person is you, then your friend is putting a lot of trust in you. The best way to repay that trust is to let your friend talk. You can and should ask questions, but stop yourself from drawing parallels with your story, because it might not align to their values or view and that misalignment can quickly break that trust and stop your friend from being truly honest with you. Again, your job is to listen, leave any judgement or personal stories at the door and simply be there for your friend.

Don’t try to Solve Things

You might mean well, but remember you’re not a medical professional, counsellor or therapist. As a friend, your role is not to solve anything. Your role is to listen. A quick tip is to remember to listen with the intent to listen, not with the intent to reply. Your first job is to make your friend feel heard.

Ask Questions to Empower. Don’t Give Advice or try to Solve the Problem.

Sometimes when someone is in an emotional state, they can’t see the answers or way forward. Their thoughts and ability to think logically are often overwhelmed by the chaos of their thoughts. This can be really frustrating because looking from the outside in, you might feel like the answers or ways forward are just so obvious.

Remember, you don’t want to solve your friend’s problems, you want to listen and make them feel heard. If you try to solve someone else’s problem, you are making them completely depending on you. When what they need more than anything is to be empowered to make their own decisions. Don’t make someone dependent on you.

If you can see a path forward that your friend can’t see, you can gently ask questions that can help steer them to finding an answer themselves. Ask, and what do you think? What would you like?

Beware of Re-traumatising

Be careful of a friend who wants to retell you the story again and again and again. This can potentially re-traumatise them each time they tell the story, and rather than helping it can make it worse for your friend and potentially deepen the level of trauma. Try to contain conversations to avoid causing more harm. We know that talking can help, but if your friend is stuck, they may need to talk to a professional.

Also, be aware that these conversations can take their toll on your mental health and resilience too. They can start to traumatise you too! Keep an eye on your mental health and if you need to, make sure you look after yourself too by debriefing with a friend whom you trust.

Offer Additional Services That Might be Helpful

As we mentioned earlier in the article, you are not a professional, and it’s important to know when to hand over to a professional. If you’re worried about your friend’s mental health, you can get online and look up resources that could be useful. There is a range of free and confidential services you can find online – see below for some options.

Here’s the catch, remember, you don’t want to solve someone’s problems for them, so when it comes to sharing the website or phone numbers for support services, you want to offer it as an option.

You can say something like: “I can hear that you really are struggling financially. Lots of people in your situation find financial counsellors helpful, please let me know if you want me to find a number for you or we can go online and look together.”

Lastly, as frustrating as it might be, you can only provide resources for people, you can’t force them to get professional help. It has to be their decision to get help. You can, however, ask what it is about getting help that they’re against and dispel any myths.

Getting Help

If you or a loved one needs help or support, you can call the below free and confidential services 27/4 in Australia.

For crisis support and suicide prevention, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or visit their website at www.lifeline.org.au.

For anxiety, depression any other mental health challenges, call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or visit their website at www.beyondblue.org.au

Related reading: Where are you on the Coronavirus Change Curve?

Turns Out Money Does Buy You Happiness, Study Finds

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A new study has thrown the age-old adage “Money can’t buy you happiness” on its head. And it’s not good news for the growing lower class who are being left behind due to the ever-increasing wealth gap.

The study, by researchers Jean M. Twenge and A. Bell Cooper, was published this month by the American Psychological Association. It shows that there is a growing class divide in happiness in the U.S.

By looking at findings in the General Social Survey (N = 44,198), Twenge and Cooper found a positive correlation between socioeconomic status (including income, education, and occupational prestige) and happiness, which grew steadily stronger between the 1970s and 2010s.

Previous studies have shown that after a certain income level, there is no measurable rise in happiness. However, contrary to earlier research, this study showed no tapering off of happiness levels at higher levels of income.

Over 40 years, the happiness levels of high wealth individuals have been consistent, whereas the happiness levels of poorer individuals have slowly declined, according to the research.

In an interview with The Washington Post, Twenge said the link between income and happiness is stronger now than in previous decades. Also, the decrease in happiness among lower-income people may be a result of rising inequality, increasing real estate values and decreased ability to pay for education.

Related reading:

Words That Can Change Your Mindset

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How to Find Determination by Simply Changing Your Vocabulary

Words can change your mindset because words have power. We’ve known this for centuries, and we’ve all seen the stories and heard the advice which pretty much boils down to: “The pen is mightier than the sword.” Or “No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.” (Robin Williams)

We also all know we should eat well, exercise, get 8 hours of sleep, look after our mental health, call our mums…. We know that we should, but sometimes life happens, right?!

On the other hand, sometimes a Netflix binge happens, all weekend. Sometimes we spend an entire evening scrolling mindlessly through social media, or playing game after game on the computer, or X-box or PlayStation.

And again, it’s important sometimes to do that in order to unwind and recentre. At the end of a long and stressful day, sometimes doing nothing is what your body and mind needs.

The problem is when that becomes your normal. When every evening and most weekends are spent on activities that take you away from the activities and people who can enrich your life and bring you joy and happiness.

And like the frog in a pot of water, we might not realise it’s slowly killing us. At worst, we see the typical 21st century mental and physical impacts: diabetes, obesity, heart conditions, depression, anxiety. At best, we live a ho-hum life, maybe we’re successful but we’re never truly happy.

Cultivating the Right Mindset for Success

The field of psychology has long known that your mindset can have huge impacts on your actions and your success.

Stanford psychologist and Professor Carol Dweck has spent 30-years studying how mindset impacts our success. In her own words, “My work bridges developmental psychology, social psychology, and personality psychology, and examines the self-conceptions (or mindsets) people use to structure the self and guide their behaviour.”

Carol has found that mindset is critical, and most reassuringly, you can change your mindset – it is not fixed. In fact, people who cultivate a “growth mindset” are the ones who view failure as a motivator to try harder. As a result, they’re more resilient and more successful.

Mindset is how you stop yourself from feeling like a failure or feeling guilty next time you don’t go to the gym or choose a salad at lunchtime. It’s how you forgive yourself, move forward and start again with more determination tomorrow.

And what impacts mindset the most? Our emotions and the words we choose to use.

“The way we deal with our emotions shapes everything that matters: our actions, careers, relationships, health, happiness and organizations. Getting hooked by our thoughts, emotions and stories inhibits us from thriving,” says Susan David, Harvard psychologist and author of Emotional Agility.

Thankfully, learning to have a positive mindset can be as simple as being more deliberate about the words you choose to use in your day to day life. In short, words can change your mindset. In fact, researchers Andrew Newberg, M.D. and Mark Robert Waldman have shown that words can literally change your brain.

As if the title of their book wasn’t enough, in their book, Words Can Change Your Brain, they show that words like “peace” and “love” can alter the expression of genes, propelling our motivational centres into action and building resilience.

So, if you’re struggling to do the things you know will bring you more happiness, then this is the article for you. Here are some words that can change your mindset…

[Check out these books – mindset, Carol Dweck & Emotional Agility Susan David, & Words Can Change Your Brain]

Words That can Change Your Mindset

“Get to” and Your Worldview

Many people seek happiness, yet their day to day view of the world is as a chore to be bourne, not a wonder to be explored and experienced.

How often do we say we “get to” go on a holiday, but we “have to” go to the gym? Or maybe you “get to” visit a friend but “have to” go visit the in-laws. Or maybe you “get to” go out to dinner but “have to” eat healthily.

At what point did doing the right thing for us and our family become something we just have to grit our teeth and bare? Why does being good to ourselves – by doing exercise, getting enough sleep, eating healthy meals, visiting family etc… — get relegated to the “have to” pile along with the laundry and dishes?

No wonder so many people struggle to get fit or bother to even leave the house! No wonder as a global population, we’re more unhealthy and more lonely than ever before.

So, if you’re seeking happiness and satisfaction in life, and you know (because of the resources on this site) that means developing a strong community and connection; looking after your health and wellbeing and finding meaning and purpose, then why should any of those activities be chores?

Next time you start to apologise to someone for “having to go to the gym,” stop and think about the words you’re using. Instead, put a smile on your face and say, “I get to go to the gym this afternoon, maybe we can meet afterwards?”

“Not yet” and Growth Mindset

In her Ted Talk, which has been viewed more than 10 million times, Carol talks about the power of two small words to change the way we think about failure.

Not yet.

That’s it. Two little words. Yet these words have the power to completely change how we view ourselves and our achievements, or lack of them. To make her point, Carol talks about a classroom of kids and the grading system that used “not yet” rather than the typical “F” for when a kid didn’t pass a course.

Through the power of these two little words, the kids in this class were taught to know they’re on a journey of learning, and that everyone learns at different rates. They know that if they get “not yet” on their report card, they shouldn’t give up or stop trying. Instead, they have more work to do, and that’s OK.

Those two little words entirely change the kids’ mindsets, from wanting to quit and give up for “failing” to wanting to try harder next time because they don’t have it yet.

In short, ‘not yet’ is about acknowledging that life and learning are a journey, and it’s not only about achievement. So, focus on the journey of learning, rather than the outcome. When praising kids, trying hard should be rewarded over achieving an “A.”  

Listen to Carol Dweck’s Ted Talk “The Power of Believing You Can Improve”

Lots of Words… Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations have been popular for the last couple of decades. Supposedly, a few magic words will help you lose weight, get fit, get promoted, find a loving partner… and the list goes on. But if you’re a cynic (like me), then maybe you’ve been thinking ‘this is all a load of BS.’

It turns out we were all wrong. Words can change your mindset. The reason this has become a ‘thing’ is that the science is solid. About 65,000 thoughts go through our minds each day. For a lot of people, the majority of them are negative, or at least not positive.

Now, negative thoughts are the cornerstone of improvement. If you’re happy with your performance you won’t try to make it better. But too much negativity can stop you from even trying.

So, including some positive affirmations into your day is about balancing the scales. It’s about being more attuned to the negative things you say to yourself and the limiting beliefs you hold. Instead adding in some words that instil hope and belief into your mindset. To get started, check out this article by 7 Mindsets.

We know that the wrong mindset can get in your way of success, but how much are you paying attention to the words you say or use in your mental dialogue? Maybe it is time to do some self-reflection.

And on that note, I’ll leave you with another famous quote: “Choose your words wisely.”

Related reading:

9 Small Ways To Add Exercise Into Your Day Without Exercising

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The health benefits of regular exercise are numerous, from boosting your immune system, improving sleep and boosting your mood, to reducing cardio-vascular diseases and even reducing the effects of ageing!

Yet, in today’s busy world, it can be hard to find the time to exercise. Sometimes we have good intentions, but with competing priorities, exercise just keeps getting cut, week after week.

Going to the gym or playing sports means finding time in a busy schedule to get changed, get there and back, take another shower and change again. Who has all that extra time in a day?!

Plus, for many people, it’s all just a bit daunting and not easy to get started. To be honest, a lot of people just don’t really like exercising in the first place.

“Don’t worry. Burpees don’t like you either.”

So, how can you reap the benefits of exercise without adding more stress to your week? In short, how can you exercise without exercising?

Here are 9 ways to add more exercise into your day without exercising

  1. Get off one stop before your train/bus stop and walk a little bit further.
  2. Park at the back of the car park when you go shopping.
  3. Take the stairs at work, or in your apartment (or friend’s apartment).
  4. If you sit at a desk for most of the day, try standing for all your meetings.
  5. Walk to your local shops instead of driving and carry the groceries back.
  6. Help others. Why not volunteer somewhere that you might have to stand a lot, such as a local pound or Salvation Army retail store.
  7. Offer to walk and play with your friends’ dogs for them. Take them to the park, throw a ball and have some fun.
  8. Go out for lunch. Walk to your favourite café or food court. Even better if you put on comfy shoes and power walk!
  9. Make it a point to vacuum, sweep or mop more often.

Remember that every minute of intentional movement adds up!

Related content: Read Moving On article The ‘No Excuses’ Beginners Exercise Plan

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Resiliency Is About Recharging And Self-Care, But Are You Doing It Wrong?

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Are You Doing Self-Care Wrong?

Are you stressed, overwhelmed or burned out? You’re not alone.

We’re all living in a Change Storm – experiencing more change, more often than ever before. So, we feel busy, all the time. It can feel like there’s never enough time. Between all the things we must do and all the things we should do, life can just be overwhelming.

The to-do list just keeps getting longer and longer, and with it, the stress just keeps piling up. There’s work (or looking for work), commute times, laundry, cooking, cleaning, car servicing, hairdresser appointments, doctor and dentist appointments, paying the bills, keeping up with family and friends, answering emails and texts and messages and pings, and posting, and for those who have them, let’s not forget all the responsibility that comes with kids and pets.

And that’s just the basics! For many people, there are so many more pressures and ‘must-dos’ in their daily lives, from looking after sick kids or elderly parents, to being a single parent or running a small business… let’s just say that first list was a starting point only.

But we’re not done yet. Then there are the things we feel we should do, and every time we don’t do them, we add another failure to the scorecard or more guilt into our lives. From cleaning the house better or more often, calling mum more often, cooking healthier meals, doing more (or any) exercise, or finding time to do your hair or make-up better or at all…  it all adds up to a crushing weight of inadequacy, adding more and more stress to our already stressful lives.

Life is so busy and so hectic that it’s no wonder the World Health Organisation labelled burnout an official medical diagnosis last year.

So what to do about it?

The Dangers of Doing Too Little

All too often a typical response to doing too much is to try to do too little. With all this stress, it’s no wonder that we’re spending more time just vegging. Binge watching is a thing now, as is ‘mindless scrolling’ on social media. But these responses to stress are also not helpful.

Social media can have very positive effects, as we’ve seen with the social distancing that COVID-19 brought us. It can help to maintain connectedness and relationships. However, mindless scrolling has been shown to be addictive, trigger sadness, make us compare our lives to others more (which is also unhealthy), and it can lead to jealousy.

Similarly, watching TV or playing video games might seem like a great way to unwind from a stressful day. But if you do it for hours on end, for days on end, it becomes something else altogether. Repeated binge-watching has a number of negative health effects, from not getting enough sleep and not getting any exercise to things that will kill you like deep vein thrombosis.

Just like Goldilocks taught us, it’s about finding a balance that’s just right.

Related reading: Why You Need A Social Media Detox Now

The Self-Care Revolution

The science is clear that we need to do a better job of balancing looking after ourselves with all the stressors of the modern world.

Cue the self-care revolution! From mindfulness retreats to yoga and meditation classes, and CrossFit, veggie smoothies and #RandomActsOfKindness we’ve seen an explosion of new fads (mostly science backed).

There are experts from all walks of life, all around the world, telling us to make sure we:

  • Invest in family and friendships to stave off loneliness (another new 21st-century disease). Meet new people and cultivate supportive relationships to build your sense of belonging and connectedness.
  • Exercise more, but make sure it’s intense, but only sometimes, other times it needs to be gentle, but not too gentle or it’s no longer exercise
  • Sleep at least 8 hours every night, but sometimes 9 is better, but not too much sleep or you might be depressed.
  • Eat well, this means no sugar, no fat, no salt, no meat, no processed foods, no gluten, no alcohol. But make sure you get the right kind of fat, and protein is important, and some sugars are ok, and make sure your diet is balanced, and take vitamins to supplement your diet, but if you’re eating well you shouldn’t need vitamins.
  • Look after your mind because stress kills. So practice breathing and meditating, and take your vacations, and use your commute time to refocus your brain, but also to listen to podcasts because learning and having a growth mindset is just as critical. Never stop learning! And journal every night about things you’re grateful for, and practice kindness towards others.

You get my point here, right? Even self-care can feel like more things to add to that never-ending to-do list. So, this begs the question, are you doing self-care wrong?

Are You Doing Self-Care Wrong?

So, what is the goldilocks amount of self-care? And are you doing self-care wrong?

As Shawn Achor and Michelle Gielan write in the Harvard Business Review: “resilience is about how you recharge.”

It’s about giving yourself time to do nothing, or time to do something, with no pressure and a lot of self-forgiveness and kindness about what you do, or don’t end up doing. It’s about doing something that you enjoy, something fun, not something that you feel you should do because some over-hyped expert told you to do it on a podcast.

“The key to resilience is trying really hard, then stopping, recovering, and then trying again. This conclusion is based on biology.”

Shawn Achor and Michelle Gielan, Harvard Business Review.

To be resilient, we do need to have some basic body, mind and soul habits in place and that we maintain when times get particularly tough. The great news here is that there are so many options here, that we can pick what we want to do. And the minute it starts to feel like a chore, or we don’t enjoy it, we can move on to something else.

But we also have to stop overscheduling ourselves and make time to spoil and pamper ourselves.

So, for your own personal health and longevity, go ahead and book that massage, or pour that glass of wine and get in the bath, or grab that book you’ve been meaning to read for months and go lay outside in the sun and read it… whatever floats your boat. Do whatever you want to do to help you unwind, with no guilt and no pressure.

Or don’t.

It’s completely up to you.

Related content: Read Moving On article 11 Ideas For Your Next Mental Health Day, listen to our Podcast: Self-Care is Church for Non-Believers (E17)

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Comment below! Tell us what do you think! Are you doing self-care wrong? What’s your go-to stress buster for when things get too busy or you feel yourself approaching burn-out?

Want To Raise Successful Kids? Here’s What You Have To Know.

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Why We Need To Teach Kids About Happiness, Not Achievement

Everyone wants their kids to grow up and be successful in life. If you grew up in my generation, that meant our parents valued academic achievement at any cost.

The story goes that good grades will get you into a good university, which will get you into a good job at a good company, where you will meet other good people and marry one of them, eventually having a good house, good car and good kids. Then you will be happy. The moral of the story is ‘work hard and you will be rewarded.’

Many mid-life crises have proven that this model is broken. Yet it hasn’t been until recently that we’ve had another model to replace it with. It turns out that kids need happiness to succeed in life, and our focus on academic success has actually been taking us away from success in life!

Thanks to the field of positive psychology, we now know that the key to success in life is happiness. Research shows that people who are often in positive moods and have happy emotions do better in life. They get better grades at school; they get better jobs; they are more resilient; they are more successful and they are even richer.

Why? As cognitive scientist Dr. Art Markman says, “Overall, when people are happy, they put in more effort to create a better future for themselves than when they are not happy.”

So, if you want your kids to be successful in life, first you have to teach your kids to be happy. Just like with adults, this means teaching kids to enjoy the process, to be curious, hopeful and optimistic. Here are some great activities you can do with your kids to help build these life skills.

6 Ideas To Teach Your Kids How To Be Happy

1. Go outside

The research on this one is really clear, spending time outside makes people happier, so teach your kids to be happy by loving the outdoors. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, you can make family walks a habit during the week, take your kids to the park, walk the dog or go on a picnic, visit a lake or beach or a national park. Create a list of places and activities you can do as a family and let each member of the family choose an outing.  

2. Teach your kids a skill

This is especially good if it’s something that you are passionate about too. Teach them how to cook, garden, draw, sculpt or even change a tyre. Make sure you listen as much as you talk, ask questions about your kid’s thinking, ask them how they would do things. This is about learning to enjoy learning, about teaching your kids to have a growth mindset, which research shows impacts how you see the world and makes you more likely to thrive in life. So remember it’s not about actually mastering the skill (the end goal), instead focus on the process (the journey).

3. Create a photo album.

Together with the whole family, get out and about to take some photos together. Create an album of your favourite people, things and places. Make sure each family member has plenty of pages to contribute their photos. Place one photo per page and write under the photo why this photo is important to the family member who picked it. Watch this Greater Good Science Center video to see how this activity can create meaning and happiness in your kid’s lives.

4. Plan a family holiday together

Research shows that planning a holiday can bring just as much joy as going on holidays. Get a map. Lay out the ground rules (budget, time away etc…) and pick a place that you can all visit together. Once the location is sorted, each family member should go away and identify one activity they’d like to do while away, and has to present back to the family in one-weeks’ time their activity, what it is and why they think it is a good idea. Bonus points for creativity and resourcefulness!

5. Find or create moments of awe in your life

Studies show that experiencing moments of awe makes us more generous and patient, and helps you deal with stress better. According to the Collins dictionary, “Awe is the feeling of respect and amazement that you have when you are faced with something wonderful and often rather frightening.” It’s a thrill or a moment of wonder. It’s rare and special, and because of that, it is imprinted in your memory forever. Some people find awe and wonder regularly, in the small and big things around them, while others only experience awe occasionally. It is different for every person. Here are some ideas for activities to bring awe into your life.

6. Volunteer together

Research has shown that volunteering is rewarding in and of itself, and helping others is a way to higher individual wellbeing. Giving to others activates an area of the brain linked with contentment and the reward cycle. So, performing selfless acts makes you happier. You could volunteer at a soup kitchen or teach your kids how to fundraise for a worthy cause, whether that’s making something to sell to the neighbours (bracelets or lemonade) or doing a charity fundraising walk together.

Related content: Read Moving On article 5 ways to teach kids resiliency and happiness

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10 Best Personal Development Podcasts To Motivate And Inspire You

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We’ve done the work to find the best personal development podcasts to help you bring more happiness and inspiration into your life.

Have you ever wondered why some people are happier than others? Or why some people seem to succeed at everything they try? Or how some people find the motivation to be constantly achieving their dreams?

It turns out you’re not alone, as the millions of listeners to the below podcasts can attest. If you need a bit of motivation, inspiration or happiness in your life, subscribe to the below 10 best personal development podcasts to motivate and inspire you.

10 Best Personal Development Podcasts to Motivate and Inspire You

#1 Happier

Happier is hosted by happiness and habits expert Gretchen Rubin and her sister Elizabeth Craft. With more than 95 million downloads, they’re definitely doing something right. In each episode, they share happiness hacks and advice that can easily be incorporated in your life. Gretchen shares a lot of the tips she’s learned over the years. She has also written about them in her bestselling books The Happiness Project, Better Than Before, and The Four Tendencies.

#2 Good Life Project

Good Life Project, hosted by Jonathan Fields, is about helping you to live a better life (as the name suggests). Every week, he shares inspirational, intimate and unfiltered conversations aimed at helping you on your quest to live a more meaningful, connected and vital life.

#3 Happiness for Cynics

Happiness for Cynics, hosted by best friends Marie and Pete, who have a lot of laughs as they present the latest research and case studies on happiness, with a heavy dose of cynicism. Marie (the cynic) and the always happy Pete are a lot of fun to listen to and really make you think about practical and research-backed ways you can lead a happier life.

#4 Design Your Dream Life

Design Your Dream Life, hosted by personal development blogger and life coach, Natalie Bacon. The podcast is for women who want to reignite their lives, who want more fulfilment, more money, and more freedom. Natalie shares lessons on how to master your mindset, emotions, self-love, relationships, problems, overwhelm. She also focuses on productivity, time management, goal setting and habits.

#5 The Life Coach School Podcast

The Life Coach School Podcast, hosted by Brooke Castillo, owner of the Life Coach School, where she trains and certifies life coaches. Her podcast focuses on learning to manage your brain and solve any problem in your life. It’s about helping you use your mind to make your dreams come true.

#6 Ten Percent Happier

10% Happier, hosted by ABC News Anchor Dan Harris, who famously has a panic attack on live TV while hosting Good Morning America. On 10% Happier, Dan interviews celebrities and academics on meditation and life. He looks for an answer to the question: Can you be an ambitious person and still strive for enlightenment?

#7 Tony Robbins

Tony Robbins is without a doubt one of the biggest names in personal development. His motivational podcast is a hub where he shares all of that amazing knowledge. In his podcast, Tony shares proven strategies and tactics for achieving massive results in your business, relationships, health, and finances. Tony has reached more than 50 million people from over 100 countries to create meaningful change in their lives.

#8 The School of Greatness

The School of Greatness is a wonderful podcast from the best-selling author and entrepreneur Lewis Howes. Since its launch in 2013, the podcast has grown to be one of the top-ranked business and self-development podcasts in iTunes. It regularly appears in the Top 50 and with more than 4 million downloads a month. Episodes range from interviews with incredible world-class game changers in entrepreneurship, health, athletics, mindset, and relationships, to solo rounds with the host, Lewis Howes and the 5 Minute Friday format.

#9 The Science of Happiness

The Science of Happiness, hosted by award-winning psychologist Dacher Keltner and co-produced by PRX and UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. They look at what it takes to live a happier life and give listeners research-tested strategies that you can put into practice today.

#10 The Tim Ferris Show

The Tim Ferriss Show is often the #1 business podcast on all of Apple Podcasts. It has ranked #1 out of 500,000+ podcasts on many occasions and has now surpassed 400M downloads. In each episode, Tim deconstructs world-class performers from eclectic areas (investing, sports, business, art, etc.) to extract the tactics, tools, and routines you can use. This includes favourite books, morning routines, exercise habits, time-management tricks, and more.

Got a favourite podcast we didn’t include? Tell us about it in the comments!

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What You Didn’t Know About Practicing Kindness

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What Is Practicing Kindness and Why Does It Matter?

Be kind… it’s something many of us have been told since we were little.

But did you know that being kind to others can have positive impacts on your life too? Not only that, there’s solid research behind the act of being kind. Here’s what you need to know.

What is Practicing Kindness?

Practicing kindness is about deliberately or intentionally finding moments or opportunities to be kind to others in your life.

“A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.”

Amelia Earhart

But to be clear, being kind isn’t about always thinking of others over yourself, and it’s not about striving to be always kind. We’re all human, which means we all have bad days, and we all have negative emotions at times – being unkind will also happen. So, practising kindness isn’t about striving to be kind all the time, but it is about finding times to be kind to others.

The best part is that practising kindness actually improves your psychological health too, so you might even reduce your bad days or moments by doing it, and it’s as easy as scheduling it into your week.

The Science of Kindness

The research on kindness is quite definitive. The benefits that you get from being kind others are many and varied.

Performing acts of kindness releases the feel-good chemicals (oxytocin and serotonin), leading to increases happiness, energy, pleasure and creativity. Studies have even shown that being kind increases your lifespan.

At Oxford, researchers performed three studies and found that performing acts of kindness boosted wellbeing and positive social emotions. In fact, in the first study, people got benefits after only seven days of performing acts of kindness.

Not only do you get the “helper high” from being kind, but these neurochemicals have also been found in many studies to help reduce depression, pain, anxiety and stress.

Feeling lazy? The great news is that it can be really easy, quick and cheap to get the benefits of kindness. You don’t need to go looking for over-the-top ways to show people how kind you are.

It’s true that research shows helping others through acts of charity or volunteer work can make you feel better and happier, but recent research also finds that simply wishing someone well can have a similarly positive effect on our moods. In fact, even witnessing acts of kindness produces oxytocin, which aids in lowering blood pressure, and improves self-esteem, optimism and our overall heart-health.

Ideas For Practising Kindness

So, what are some ideas for how to bring kindness into your week?

Praise Someone

Publicly acknowledge and praise someone for doing a good job or simply for being who they are. If you pick someone from your workplace, make sure you include their boss, and why not follow up with a handwritten card?

Can I help? Cards

Print off some cards with “Can I help” on them and a list of things you can help with around the house – from cooking and cleaning to gardening and handy-man repairs or grocery shopping or pet walking. Make sure to introduce yourself, including telling people why you’re doing this for free, and include your name and contact details. Then print of all the cards and drop them in mailboxes around your neighbourhood.

Mentor Someone

Mentoring is about more than giving someone advice and sharing knowledge. Mentors often develop close, reciprocal relationships with their mentees, who can bring a new or different perspective or ideas that can bring about self-reflection and growth for the mentor too. Aside from that, helping others can be really rewarding. On top of that, giving targeted support to an individual (rather than to a charity) has a better effect on your brain.

Donate Money

Consider a one-off donation or set aside some money each pay-check to donate to a reputable charity. There is something for everyone, from organisations that saves animals or protect the planet to research for diseases and social support. Make sure you do some research first to make sure your money is going where you think it is.

Give Your Coins

A few spare coins can make someone’s day, and be there difference between eating that day or getting a bed to sleep in. When you can, find someone on the street and give them your coins. When you do, make eye contact and smile. This small act can go a long way to helping a homeless person feel seen.

Stuck for kindness ideas? You can always download a Kindness Calendar from the Random Acts of Kindness website for some inspiration. For extra self-care points, why not complete the activities with a buddy or family member?

Related content: Read Moving On article 50 science-backed ways to be happier

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going, at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

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