How Forgiveness Can Make You Happier (E46)

This week, Marie and Pete discuss the power of forgiveness and how it can rewire your brain to be more positive.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness, a studious reader, appropriate perceiver and at times, administer of stress reliever. Each week we will be to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low…

P: because you’re not in the show…

M: Or just a little bit out of limbo.

P: Then this is the place to be!

M: And take this one step further on our happiness journey, today’s episode is all about forgiveness.

P: Mmm.

[Happy Intro Music]

P: This is going to be a big one. This is a heavy one Marie.

M: It sure is. And it’s surprising that the feedback we’ve had on our book that we launched in October this year available on Amazon.

P: Self-Care is Church for Non-believers.

M: [Laugh] The feedback is that the forgiveness chapter is the one that has resonated the most.

P: Oh Really, oh wow.

M: Definitely. We’ve had some great reviews on Amazon, which has been lovely, and some friends have reached out to me going we’ve picked up the book, and for a lot of people, the chapter on forgiveness is the one that’s really resonated.

P: Mmm. I think we all have to go through a stage of figuring ourselves out at some point in our lives.

M: Yeah, we’re not perfect. We all make mistakes. That’s where the self-compassion comes in. This chapter is more about forgiving others. And I think with that you have to, at times, acknowledge your part in whatever has happened.

P: Take responsibility.

M: Yeah.. But, not necessarily take responsibility, but just acknowledge that there are two people. It takes two to tango.

P: Yep.

M: But this this one is really about How do we move on when someone has hurt us?

P: Mmm, it’s not easy. It’s not an easy path to go through.

M: Definitely not. And especially the younger you are, the more that can really shape the life that you have afterwards.

P: Yeah.

M: You really carry the scars, that the baggage of poor interactions in your childhood and teen years, well through your adult life.

P: Mmm.

M: And all way through life at times. So really, one of the main points that I want to get across in this episode is that just like a lot of other things that we talk about the show forgiveness is not about someone else.

Forgiveness is for you and about you.

P: I love that.

M: [Whispers] I do to.

P: It comes from a personal space I think. The ability to forgive comes from a really personal space I think.

M: Absolutely, and really when we say it’s for you and about you. It is not about making someone else feel better for wronging you.

P: Mmm. Yes.

M: It’s about letting go of grudges and blame and negative feelings that are stopping you from moving on.

So, understanding what happened;

Processing how that made you feel;

Acknowledging the pain or the anger or the betrayal.

P: Mmm.

M: And finding a way to move forward with that knowledge and understanding. You don’t have to hug it out.

P: [Laugh]

M: You don’t have to tell someone I forgive you.

P: No.

M: You don’t even have to ever talk to them again.

P: But…

M: It’s not about them. It’s about you, being able to leave that baggage behind so that you can have a positive life moving forward.

P: Mmm.

M: And for a lot of people who’ve felt that pain and that betrayal of a parent not living up to your expectations, a sibling doing wrong by you, stealing from you, a partner cheating on you, a friend betraying your confidences.

P: Yep.

M: There are so many ways that we get hurt, really hurt by people around us, whether deliberately or not, and for some people they can hold on to that, and it really impacts how they interact with new people as they progress through life.

P: Mmm. It also has a lot to do with the neuro-chemicals that get released into our brain when we’re having these horrible negative emotions, all that cortisol and adrenaline actually gets released into our system. So, we have to combat that with these other thought processes, so that we can stop… WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!?

[Laughter]

M: I’m not it’s just, I’ve got this cat sitting on my shoulder.

P: [Laugh] I’m trying to be all serious and scientific, and you’re ridiculing me with a cat underneath your mouth.

M: I’m not ridiculing you.

P: [Laugh!]

M: Just appreciating the situation.

P: There we go, [laugh]… Right, so the art of forgiveness helps us to undo some of that negative neuro-chemical release that does happen in our brain, when we’re holding on to grudges or past trauma.

M: More than, more than undo. Because you can’t undo that. It stops the brain from producing those negative chemicals, all those chemicals that having negative impacts on you and might even allow for positive feelings and positive chemicals to be released through other activities.

P: It does. I have a bit more science on that, it actually does. There’s a little bit of work that’s being done by a programme in Sydney University, where they’re actually looking at brain wave activity and getting the brain waves to coordinate well, and part of that is training your brain and training those brain waves to reactivate in a coordinated fashion. We might come to that later in the episode.

M: Ok. Um… and not now?

P: [Laugh] We can, we can talk about it now.

M: You always do that to me.

P: [Laugh] I throw to you and you’re not ready?

M: “There’s a really juicy bit of information, and… we’ll talk about that later.”

P: [Laugh]

M: Right? So what are we doing now? Why not now?

P: [Hysterical Laughter!]

M: What’s going on later?

P: We can talk about it now, [laugh] I don’t mind. There is a way that they’re working with, these are asylum seekers and refugees, people that experienced post-traumatic stress disorder. And the way that they’re actually looking at it [is] instead of going to the psychological evaluations and reliving the trauma, the way of dealing with that now is to start training the brainwave activity; Which means virtual reality, using computer generated games to reinforce positive brain associations rather than reliving the trauma and this in a way it comes back to our discussion about forgiveness because you’re letting go of that stimulus by being able to forgive and move on you’re letting go of that continual little peanut that sits in your gut that is going ‘ggrrr’, being negative and angry.

M: Absolutely. And to back that up the Mayo Clinic in the US. They’re a huge organisation and health network in the US. They have done a lot of studies on forgiveness and shown that it definitely leads to improved health and peace of mind and so being able to let go of that negativity, and that stress, and all the negative chemicals you’re talking about Pete and make room for the positive.

P: Hmm.

M: [It] has huge impact to your relationships, it leads to healthy relationships, better mental health, reduces anxiety, stress, hostility, it lowers blood pressure.

P: Mmm.

M: And it also can help with depression and self-esteem.

P: Mmm.

M: On the flip side, just like with many of the things we talk about in the positive psychology area, it can lead to a stronger immune system and improved heart health. So it’s no wonder that letting go of all of that leads to greater feelings of happiness, hopefulness and optimism.

P: It allows the good stuff in. If you’re making less room with the bad stuff, you’re allowing more space for the good stuff.

M: Absolutely. And I think the reason I love this, talking about this episode in December is that a lot of us are heading into a holiday period, and the period with more anxiety, more stress. We’re seeing families, and for a lot of us families aren’t what they’re portrayed as in Hollywood.

P: Mmm.

M: Or maybe they are, it depends on what genre you’re watching.

[Laughter]

P: Not everyone has happy family time at Christmas.

M: Exactly. And for a lot of people, that is a high stress, high anxiety period. Because of how broken some of those relationships are with people that they’re spending time with. So this practising forgiveness is something that I highly encourage people to look into as they head into holiday periods. And if you know that you’re going to be spending time with someone who has wronged you or hurt you and it comes with anxiety and stress, seeing them and being in the same space.

P: That association. Yes

M: Then just going through the steps of practising forgiveness can be a really beneficial exercise to help, you not only cope with the upcoming holidays, but also to cope in a far more positive and better mental health space. With all of those dinners and periods.

P: It puts you in a better position.

M: Exactly.

P: It puts you in control rather than being reactive. You’re in control so that you can choose to steer the interaction in a different direction should it need to occur.

M: Also, if you’re filled with greater self-esteem and less anxiety, you can put up with someone else’s bad behaviour, if they keep doing it. And if you’ve just got a crazy u ncle, who loves to slap you on the ass and you’ve always felt bad.

P: Yeah. [Laugh]

M: About yourself. But all of a sudden, you rock up and your power woman, right? Crazy uncle has no impact on you. Right?

P: Mmm.

M: So it’s about being… Okay that, that’s a weird thing. And crazy uncle should not be allowed to slap anyone on the ass. Let’s be really.. [Laugh]

P: I’m taking notes here.

[Laughter]

M: That is called sexual harassment people.

[Laughter]

M: And it is not okay and it is not funny. And it is definitely not, something we’re abdicating for here.

P: Mmm.

M: What I am trying to say, though, is that if you’re in a strong space from a mental well-being and a mental health perspective, you don’t let a lot of the other people’s poor behaviour impact you in the same way as if you’re not in a good mental health space.

P: So how do we look at forgiveness, Marie? What is the first thing that we start to look at? [When] we’re going to look at getting into a forgiveness space?

M: What are the steps? Yeah. The first thing is, are you ready, and willing?

P: Ooh. Is this the hardest step?

M: Absolutely.

P: Recognising?

M: Yep, well.

P: A little bit of acceptance?

M: It’s, It’s taking the leap of faith.

P: Mmm. That’s-

M: -It’s the buying in!

P: Buying in! [Laugh]

M: It’s the cynics!

[Laughter]

P: Never easy.

M: Yep. And some pain has just cut too deep and has been going on for too long to be easily wiped away.

P: And there’s a real fear of opening that back up again.

M: Yep.

P: I mean we can understand that, we don’t want to go and reopen old scars. There is this period where you’ve got to accept that ‘Ok I’m going to address this.’

M: Yep, and it can take a lot of time. It is not an easy, ‘I’m going to forgive.’ And then you know, an hour later, everything’s all great.

P: Hunky Dory.

M: Yeah exactly. It is a time consuming practise that takes commitment, so the first step is committing to the process, and making that choice means you have to want to do it. You have to commit to do it, and you have to know that it’s not always going to be easy and sometimes you’ll carry scars with you for life.

P: Yep.

M: But you have to make the choice to forgive and be open to the process, for it to work.

P: And maybe not expecting stuff to come instantly.

M: Absolutely, to know that it will not only be painful, but it will take time.

P: Yep.

M: And the deeper those scars run, the more painful it will be, and the more time it will take. And you might need someone to help you through.

P: Definitely. Hmm.

M: So that’s step one.

Are you ready? Willing? And going to commit to the process?

Step two, if you’re going to go through the process.

Find somewhere quiet for some self-reflection.

So if you’re going to do this by yourself rather than with a professional. The next step is to give yourself the space to process the loss or the grief.

P: So does mean if you have to throw things down the corridor, you’ve got space to do that.

M: Yes, be angry, be hurt, grieve, be vulnerable and feel the pain.

P: And be expressive with that pain.

M: Absolutely. And a great way to do that is to write down what happened.

Write done what happened.

P: Yep. Externalise it. Get around the side that’s not inside you and eating away at you.

M: Yep.

P: That’s where throwing, throwing screwdrivers is really good.

M: Screwdrivers?

P: Screwdrivers, forks. It’s really good.

[Laughter]

P: Just make sure there’s no one around when you do it.

M: Don’t hurt other people, yes.

P: No, no, no, no.

M: And make sure it can’t bounce back at you.

[Laughter]

P: We’ve all seen that on funniest home videos.

M: Youtube?

P: [Laugh]

M: Yep.

Write down what happened, and write down then the behaviour that you want to forgive.

P: Get specific.

M: Not the person, the behaviour. So what was it that was done to you that you want to release and move on from.

P: In that way, it’s possibly more about identifying the issue rather than making it personal about the person.

M: Yep.

P: And if you have to change the name of that person, if you have to change the name of that person, that would change the way that you reference them. That could be a really good tool to unlocking that personal attachment to the grief.

M: Yep. Then, once you’ve written down what was done, the behaviour that impacted you;

Write down how it has impacted you.

So what were the repercussions of what happened so look at how you have changed, how you trust others, how you behave, how your life has been impacted because of the thing that happened and also how it has made you feel.

P: Mmm.

M: I want you to take the time here to really explore that, particularly if you’re talking [about] things that happen in your teens that you’ve been sitting with a decade or for a long period of time. Really explore and take the time to explore how you’ve been impacted and how it’s made you feel and name those emotions.

P: That’s going to be tough for some people, to be specific and named those.

M: Yeah, Fred.

P: Yep

[Laughter]

P: Fred, Jasper, Horace.

[Laughter]

M: Yep, So;

Name your emotions and name the impacts of those emotions.

How they impacted your life and take as long as you need in this step, don’t “under bake” this step.

P: Mmm.

M: So it’s about really feeling that pain, acknowledging it. And you might need to do this over a few hours or days or months, and you might want to actually revisit this step for years to come.

P: Hhmm.

M: [Be]cause it’s only with hindsight that we often really get clarity over how these things have impacted us.

P: Definitely, yes.

M: So, firstly commit to it. Secondly, reflect. Thirdly, and this is the hard part, understand?

P: Mmm.

M: So without judgement, you want to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, not so that you can forgive them, but so you can hopefully try to understand what they might have been thinking, feeling and doing that led to that behaviour.

P: And I don’t think you’re trying to justify their actions here.

M: No.

P: You are just putting yourself in their position. To understand where that action has come from.

M: Absolutely. And you might come to the realisation that they’re just a mean person, and they’ve got no reason or why you might not get a why. Don’t expect a why, some people behave in ways that we will never understand. Some people are cruel and horrible and mean period. Some people have had experiences of their own that shape their behaviour, and you might end up feeling sympathy or sadness for what led that person to behave the way they do.

P: Yep.

M: But you might not get that why.

P: Mmm. Yep.

M: So this is purely about trying to understand what might have led to their behaviour.

P: Mm hmm.

M: It’s not about condoning their behaviour or agreeing with it. It’s about trying to understand why they might have acted the way they did.

P: Ok.

M: And lastly;

Letting go and moving on.

So then, in the end it’s about choosing forgiveness, so it’s about being able to honestly, say to yourself I understand why this happened. It was painful. But now I choose to move forward with my life, and I’ll work to make sure this no longer shapes me, my decisions or my behaviour.

P: You could do this externally as well, and this is where you can get creative with this part of the process. The pagans used to have a yule log that they used to put their grievances or issues or concerns into, on a piece of paper that was put inside the log on. Then it was a lit, and it was burned and that was a physical way of being able to let go off something that maybe had been an issue or a negative emotion or a negative experience on releasing that out. So, you know, you can be a filthy barefooted hippie running through the fields naked and screaming to release whatever demon is inside of you and this is where it can be creative. And if that works for you, go for it.

M: I’d love to see you do that.

[Laughter]

P: A wailing Banshee with ribbons in my hair. [Laugh!] Visualise it people.

M: Oh, I am. The thing is you’re bald, so it’s not a great visualisation.

[Laughter]

P: I can put on a wig.

[Laughter]

M: All right, so this last step… and look, we’re talking about these four steps like they’re easy and they’re not.

P: Oh, definitely.

M: Their absolutely not. They take time. They take commitment in the end just like we were talking about the beginning of the episode it is purely for you to be able to release the negative energy and negative emotions and the hold that someone else’s behaviour is having on your current life so that you can move forward.

P: Yep. I agree, love it.

M: So before we go, then, Pete, do you have any one that you need to forgive?

P: Yes, I’ve got someone in mind. Definitely.

M: You do.

P: Betrayed the friendship, didn’t trust the friendship.

M: Oh.

P: Yeah, so it ended in a very public display of aggression, which was not warranted and yeah, didn’t trust in the friendship that was there. So that was, and that to me is very deeply hurting when you’ve spent time developing a friendship. Yeah, that was that was tough and I had to understand why that was and I had to let time do its work and give myself time and space where I actually had to remove myself from the situation and that took a few weeks and then slowly reinvest and slowly get back in touch but perhaps doing that forgiveness exercise really helped with allowing me to be free from the hurt that I experienced in that situation that occurred.

M: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

P: And I think giving the time is the really important part.

M: Yep.

P And take as much time as you need.

M: Absolutely, throw things, go out into the bush and yell and scream.

P: That’s a really good one. That’s a brilliant one. Go where no one can hear you. Caves are wonderful.

M: Yes. The echo, [laugh].

P: Really helpful.

[Laughter]

P: Go and sing a really big rock song or something at the top of your lungs.

M: Or just find a punching bag.

P: Some people can do that. Definitely. [Laugh]

M: All right, Well, on that note, we are out of time. So thank you for joining us today. If you want to hear more. Please remember to subscribe and, like this podcast and you an find us and ask us questions at www.marieskelton.com.

P: And if you like this little show, please leave us a review, we would really like that.

M: Yes, that would make us happy. Until next time.

P: Choose happiness.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article Resiliency Is About Recharging And Self-Care, But Are You Doing It Wrong? , listen to our Podcast When it’s OK to not be OK (E25)