Unapologetically Marie

Writer, podcaster, mental health advocate

Home » relationships

relationships

How To Deal With Stress

by

woman stressing over work

How to Deal With stress – Wherever it Comes From for you 

According to recent studies on stress, 91% of Australians feel stressed about one or more aspects of their life. Around 450,000 workers in Britain believe work is making them sick, 86% of Chinese workers are stressed, and 77% of Americans experience stress which impacts their health.  

It’s a worldwide problem. Without healthy coping mechanisms, it can even have a serious impact on our physical health: 

  • A lower immune system and experiencing illness more often 
  • Tension headaches and migraines 
  • Insomnia, depression, and anxiety 
  • High blood sugar, blood pressure, and an increase risk of heart attack 
  • Tense muscles and a low sex drive (no one wants that!) 

It’s a horrible feeling. Sometimes it feels like stressors will never go away, like stress is consuming your life, or there’s no clear solution to make things easier. 

The good news? 

From work to finances, relationships, and everyday anxiety, there are positive, constructive, and super effective ways to manage stress. In this blog, we share how to deal with stress – no matter where it comes from for you. 

The Three Types of Stress: Acute, Episodic, and Chronic Stress 

Before we jump into how to deal with stress, it’s important to understand the three different kinds of stress and determine what kind of stress you’ve been dealing with. Here’s a quick run-down:  

  • Acute stress. This kind of stress is brief and often passes quickly. It is the most common kind of stress because it comes from reactive thinking – for example, you might be stressing about an upcoming event or deadline, certain situations, or demands from friends, family, and coworkers.  
     
    Stress is induced in the moment by negative thinking and can cause headaches, stomach aches, muscular pain, and moments of anxiety and depression. 
     
    While stress can come and go, it’s important to get the support you need in stressful times. If you find yourself becoming stressed more often, get in touch with your doctor or counsellor for support. 
     
  • Episodic stress. This occurs for people who experience acute stress frequently. You might feel rushed or pressured and feel your life is too chaotic. There are two kinds of people who are more likely to experience “episodic stress”; Type A people who are competitive, aggressive, impatient, and even aggressive, and; the “Worrier” who lives with excessive negative thoughts and can forecast a catastrophe well ahead of time.  
     
    Episodic stress can cause concentration issues, anger, depression, memory loss, fatigue, relationship problems, a compromised immune system, and much more. 
     
    If you’re experiencing episodic stress, it’s time to step in and contact your doctor for mental health support and develop some constructive stress management techniques. 
     
  • Chronic stress. This is the worst kind of stress possible. If chronic stress is left untreated, you can cause irreversible damage to your physical and mental health. People who have experienced abuse, poverty, unemployment, a dysfunctional family, substance abuse, or a broken marriage often experience chronic stress. 
     
    Chronic stress can lead to a feeling of hopelessness, can’t see an escape from the stress, and give up on looking for solutions. It can even be a change in the hardwiring of their neurobiology of the brain and body, so poor habits and negative thinking becomes ingrained in their bodies.  
     
    If you are experiencing chronic stress or know someone who might be, please seek professional help or call LifeLine on 13 11 14. You are not alone. 

How to Cope With Workplace Stress 

One of the biggest sources of stress reported worldwide is workplace stress. Some common stressors at work include: 

  • Not getting paid enough 
  • Working super long hours or unpaid overtime 
  • A huge workload and seemingly not enough hours in the day 
  • Unachievable, rolling deadlines 
  • Low levels of recognition or appreciation 
  • Few (or no) opportunities for career advancement 
  • Unclear instructions and feeling stuck
  • Work isn’t engaging or challenging – it’s not your passion 
  • There are conflicts with coworkers and an overall lack of support 
  • Management is harsh and setting unachievable standards 

The major problem with workplace stress is that it doesn’t just disappear when you go home. Workplace worries can follow you home, set up shop in your head, and refuse to pay rent.  

These stressors can even end up starring in your dreams, leading to a bad night’s sleep, fatigue, and a feeling of dread about having to do it all again the next day. 

Workplace stress can be hard to kick. A lot of people who don’t like their job end up with episodic stress, anger, frustration, and concentration problems. Luckily, there are a few easy things you can do to relieve stress in the workplace. 

Here are a few ideas on how to deal with stress from work: 

  1. Take a minute for some breathing exercises in times of extreme stress. It’s important to make time for relaxation, no matter where you are. After a stressful phone call, conversation, or even after serving a frustrating customer, take a moment to close your eyes, take some long, deep breaths, and try to disconnect from the world for a moment. It really helps to refresh your mood. 
     
  1. If possible, take a walk around the block or get out for lunch. Being stuck in a stressful situation or environment can be distressing. If possible, get out of the office for 10 minutes to half an hour for some fresh air. Studies have shown people who have gotten fresh air perform 20% better and have higher levels of serotonin. Get outside on your lunch break and refresh. 
     
  1. Talk to your boss about what’s going on. If something is bothering you about your workplace or position, book a meeting with your boss to discuss it. Nothing will change if you never bring it up, so lean on your boss for support – they might be able to help improve the situation. 
     
  1. Avoid alcohol, smoking, and substance abuse after work. It can be tempting to pour a glass of wine after a long, depressing, or irritating day at work to “take the edge off.” However, there’s a real danger of turning to the short-term relief of alcohol or drugs into an addiction. The short-term might feel great, but the long-term effects can be counterproductive – it can even make things worse. 
     
  1. Take time to recharge. Nothing cures workplace stress like a holiday. If your coworkers, workplace, or boss have been bringing you down, make sure to save up some annual leave and take an extended break to refresh and reevaluate what you want from your career. It might be time to move on – or ask for more from your boss. 

How to Deal With Financial Stress 

Around 62% of people report feeling stressed about their finances – even more so since the COVID-19 lockdown and restrictions. A lot of people have had their shifts cut. Others have lost their jobs completely. 

Sometimes, financial stress can come from simple unimportant things like purchasing “Secret Santa” presents around the holidays, or meeting the gift demands of family members. Other times, it can be more difficult. Sometimes, there’s not enough money to pay the rent.  

Financial stress is tough! But here are some ideas to help deal with money worries and stress: 

  1. Track your spending. One day it’s payday, the next your bank account is tapped out. It can happen in a matter of 24 hours, so it’s important to keep track of spending and create a budget for your daily or weekly spending. 
     
  1. Determine what’s making you stressed and create a plan. What is it that’s causing stress? What’s costing too much? What expenses can you cut out for a better bottom line? Sit down and think about things you can eliminate from your weekly spending, like that $6 cup of coffee from the cafe down the street, or the sneaky cheeseburger you snag on the way home from work. Create a plan for cutting down costs and review it once a fortnight to see if it’s working. 
     
  1. Avoid temptation. If spending is a big problem for you, make sure to steer clear of shopping centres, fast food restaurants, bottle shops, and maybe even social media – online shopping ads are a major budget killer, so keep social scrolling to a minimum. 
     
  1. Take a minute to remember what’s important. I know it’s frustrating sticking to a budget, especially when you’ve been drooling over the latest Nikes online. However, it’s important to remember the important things – like spending time with friends, getting into your hobbies, and working on personal relationships. You don’t need material objects to be happy! 
     
  1. Set goals – and remember, progress takes time. The worst part of financial stress is that there’s no quick fix. Building up savings takes time – it won’t just happen overnight, unless you win the lottery (good luck). Keep in mind that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you’ve got plenty of time to breathe, save, and get things back in order. 

Managing Stress and Anxiety in Everyday Life 

When you suffer from clinical depression and anxiety, it can be exceptionally hard to maintain stress. Even the little things can cause stress like loud noises, constant chatter at work, big crowds, running late, traffic, and more. Being too social can even cause stress and exhaustion.  

It’s easy to let these negative emotions overwhelm your mind and body on a daily basis. Here are some quick tips to help manage stress and anxiety: 

  1. Reach out and keep connected. On your bad days, make sure to reach out to someone close to you – a friend, a family member, or even a medical professional – and express how you’re feeling. Bottling up your negative thoughts and feelings can be harmful, so be sure to talk to someone about it. 
     
  1. Practice relaxation or meditation techniques. As I mentioned before, short breathing techniques can do wonders to relieve sudden bouts of anxiety. Find a quiet and comfortable spot at home, take a seat, close your eyes, and practice some deep, even breathing. Alternatively, keep your eyes open and identify three noises, three objects, and three colours around you. It will help keep your mind focused and relaxed. 
     
  1. Keep breathing. When you’re in the middle of a sensory overload, it feels almost impossible to calm down. However, it’s essential to keep breathing. Make it your mantra – “keep breathing” or “breathe in and breathe out” as you inhale through your nose for 3 – 5 seconds, then breathe out for as long as possible through your mouth. Again, this will keep you focused and help calm your heart. 
     
  1. Book in a workout every morning. Exercise pumps your body full of endorphins and makes you feel naturally happy. Book in a cardio session in the morning for an all day booster, or head to the gym after a long day to expel some stress, frustration, and energy on a punching bag. You’ll feel 10,000 x better, I promise! 
     
  1. Challenge your negative thinking. Depression and anxiety has a tendency to lie to you. It might think you’re weak or hopeless, but it’s simply not true. If these thoughts find themselves creeping into your brain, try looking at it another way – to quote Monty Python, “always look on the bright side of life.” Ask yourself for evidence. Ask yourself if you’d say these things to a friend. Cross-examine yourself, lawyer style. It’ll help cultivate more positive thinking and hopefully confidence! 

Coping with Family and Relationship Stress  

No one likes dealing with conflict – especially when it comes to friends, family members, and romantic partners. Most of the time, they’re part of your everyday life. When the norm is threatened, the fear of losing them starts to kick in – either fear or anger, frustration, and stress. 

Stressors can be external (like sudden unemployment) or internal (like a marriage breakdown). Here are a few examples of how to deal with family stress and relationship stress in a healthy, constructive way:  

  1. Recognise each other’s stress cues. Is something making you angry, short tempered, irritated, or stressed at home? There’s a good chance other people in your home are experiencing the same thing. It’s important to recognise when the other person is frustrated and know when to back down – ask them to do the same for you. 
     
  1. Turn to your own support system – or develop one ASAP. It’s essential to be open about your feelings, even if it’s with an outsider for the time being. For example, if you’re having troubles with your partner, you might turn to your friends for support. Alternatively, if it’s your friends bothering you, you might turn to a parent or partner. If you’re not ready to take the bull by the horns, make sure to vent and express your feelings with someone close to you. It can be very therapeutic! 
     
  1. Limit contact with toxic people. They say you can’t choose your family, or blood is thicker than water, blah blah blah… but that’s not quite true. You don’t have to continue torturing yourself and wasting your energy on toxic individuals. If you’re experiencing abuse, manipulation, and other poor treatment, attempt to limit your contact with this person. Again… It can be very therapeutic.  
     
  1. Conserve your energy for things you can control. There are some things you simply cannot change. It’s easy to get caught up worrying about the “what ifs” – for example, “what if Mum and Uncle Dave have a fight at the Christmas party?” – but it’s unnecessary stress. It’s important to let go of the “what ifs” and focus on the present. You can’t control Mum or Uncle Dave. Sometimes it’s okay to accept that something is not your problem or responsibility. 
     
  1. Listen to each other. The key to all healthy, long lasting relationships is communication and listening to each other. Listening to your partner, friend, or family member will make them feel cared and help you gain more perspective over their feelings. Ask them to do the same for you – but take turns, no yelling over the top of each other! 

No matter where you’re at with stress, it’s important to get professional help to balance things out 

Whether you’re experiencing work stress, financial stress, or general everyday anxiety, it’s essential to seek support and professional help. Voice your concerns. Share your thoughts. Be heard. Talking about your problems is therapeutic and sometimes it helps to get an outsider’s perspective. 

Take these tips on board, but make sure to seek professional help too! 

In the meantime, make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics, or sign up to my email newsletter for regular tips, info, and advice in your inbox.  

Roads to Happiness (E76)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about the many roads to happiness and how to navigate them to bring more joy into your life.

Show Notes

Below are the three models for happiness (positive psychology) that are discussed in this podcast. The first modal is from Marie and Pete aka Happiness for Cynics. The second modal is PERMA and was devised be Martin Seligman and the SPIRE modal was created by Tal Ben-Shahar.

  • Finding Meaning and Purpose
  • Strong Relationships
  • Healthy Mind and Body

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

P: And we’re back.

M: … [whispers] Pete, you’re up.

P: I’m leading?! You’re letting me lead for once? Laugh!

M: You can lead the ‘hello’s’.

P: [small voice] Hi… Laugh!

M: Laugh.

P: Welcome back to another fabulous episode of Happiness for Cynics starring Marie Skelton [whispers] and Peter Furness.

M: Well done. Okay. Now to the serious stuff.

P: Laugh! What are we talking about this week, Muz?

M: Road maps to happiness.

P: Oh.

M: I think we should, no let’s just make that “Roads to Happiness.”

P: Different journeys, different roads.

M: Yellow brick roads.

P: Oh, follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road… I can sing the whole song if you want to.

M & P: [Singing] Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road.

M: Laugh, we are on our path to happiness, obviously. We do now take illicit drugs, laugh.

P: Oh, so on the path to happiness, we are leaping across the churches of… churches? Where was I going with churches? I meant bridges.

M: Bridges?

P: The bridges to happiness! Oh, wow. We are a bridge to happiness.

M: Oh, we could be.

P: We are, we are. That could be out new book?

M: Find your road, we’re your bridge.

P: Laugh.

M: I like it, laugh.

P: There’s a troll living under mine –

M: Laugh!

P: – but that’s ok. Laugh!

M: Only because every Disney show has a troll under the bridge.

P: Yeah, and every now and then Gandalf might make an appearance, “You shall not pass! …until you answer a happiness question.”

M: Laugh. I love it! So, road maps or roads to happiness.

P: What are our roads to happiness, Marie.

M: So, we have in the past discussed the model that I use to organise the types of activities that are proven, scientifically proven.

P: Ooh!

M: Science says.

P: Laugh!

M: To lead to happiness. So, we talk about a three-foundation model that includes:

Finding meaning and purpose.

P: Yep.

M: And that is often-times through how you experience your job. But it can mean a million other things as well. You could find meaning and purpose in raising children.

P: Yep.

M: You could find meaning and purpose in volunteering and supporting others. You could find meaning and purpose in creating music. There’s a million different ways that you can find that meaning and purpose. The second foundation is:

Strong relationships.

P: Yep.

M: And this is both romantic relationships as well as family and friends.

P: Yep.

M: And really investing time in having strong relationships around you. And that doesn’t mean 500 Facebook friends.

P: No.

M: And often that takes away from the stronger relations.

P: Yeah, having the intimate relations. These are the relationships that you invest time into, and you really spend time nurturing them. They’re your garden.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: They are your herb garden on your roof that you do during covid.

M & P: Laugh.

P: Don’t let the herbs die, laugh.

M: Absolutely. And then the third foundation that we talk about is:

Healthy mind and body.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: And there is so much in there, but it is sleeping well, eating, well, getting exercise, looking after your emotional needs. So practising gratitude, mindfulness, meditation, yoga kind of bridges the mind and body.

P: Yep, emotional first day.

M: Yep.

P: All that stuff.

M: All of those fabulous things, practising kindness. There’s a lot in there, so they’re the three foundations that we talk about on this show.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: But there are other, smarter people that have come before us.

P: NO! Definitely not.

M: Laugh, yep.

P: Laugh.

M: So, we’re going to talk about the science. But more than that, what makes someone impressive in their field is when they have their first model.

P: Oh really, is that all you need?

M: That’s all you need.

P: Laugh!

M: You need a model, so we’re going to start with the forefather, the founder of Positive Psychology, Martin Seligman and his model for happiness. So, his way for you, his road or road map for people to follow in order to have better wellbeing and happiness.

P: Ok.

M: And his model is called the PERMA Model.

P: PERMA. Ooh, it sounds like something you do in the nineteen seventies with your hair.

M: Laugh.

P: And don’t get to get it wet.

M: Take a Valium and wash it down with some chardonnay. And so, Pete, I know you’re new to these, but do you want to talk through what PERMA stands for?

P: PERMA has five pillars, as opposed to our three-pillar model. We’re talking about:

Positive emotion

And that comes down to:

  • Spending time with people you care about,
  • Inspirational and uplifting actions,
  • Reflection on gratitude, what’s going well in your life, [and]
  • Experiencing positivity.

M: Yes and creating activities and events that lead to positive moments or experiences in your life.

P: Mmm.

M: Going on holidays.

P: Having friends over for dinner.

M: Yep.

P: That’s what I miss.

M: Yep, Positive emotion. P for PERMA, Positive emotion. A pretty simple one.

P: E. E is for Engagement.

M: I feel like we’re on Sesame Street.

P: Laugh, oh can I be Elmo? Laugh.

M: Laugh!

P: Laugh.

Engagement

  • Living in the moment;
  • Activities that you really love where you lose track of time,
  • Experiencing flow,
  • Spending time in nature, immersing yourself,
  • Observing what happens around you,
  • Identifying and learning about your character strengths, and
  • Doing the things that you excel at.

M: Yeah, so this is really mindfulness, slowing down and getting deeply involved in things and being in the moment.

P: Yep. Relationships, we talk about this all the time, laugh.

M: Yep.

R for Relationships.  

P: So, these are

  • Our intimate and our non-intimate relationships,
  • The people that we have around us that we value.
  • It’s the herb garden.

M: It’s having people who get you.

P: Yeah, yeah, so when you’re stressed and having things not go right, you’ve just got to sit near that person. That’s all you need because they understand. So, creating this friendship –

M: I mean, that’s a big thing to put on someone, laugh.

P: Laugh.

M: But yes, that’s what it is.

P: I think it’s a true measure. I was reflecting on a friendship that I had once where I cut short my holiday in Bath because his boyfriend had dropped him. And I said, that’s it. I’m coming back to London now, and I drove –

M: You’ve got your priorities all wrong, he should have joined you in Bath.

P: Laugh! He was in no state to travel.

M: Aww.

P: So, I did the rescue mission and I had a friend with me and I said, “I’m sorry, we have to go back to London right now, and I need a day.” And I went and sat with my friend for two days actually.

M: “Because you’re not as important as my other friend.” Laugh.

P: Laugh! Oh, come on, no. Sandy was with me for six months, so, you know, one day out of that six is not bad.

M: Alright. But, speaking of priorities, when we talk about relationships, it is about investing in the ones that are worth keeping and pruning. You know if you’re talking about gardens and relationships being like gardens and investing and nurturing.

P: Yep.

M: You do also need to prune, and you need to take out the unhealthy relationships and the relationships that aren’t giving you what you need as well.

P: Yep and not feeling guilty about that.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Really important point. Really important.

M: It takes time. When you’re a kid, it’s about having as many as you can. But you realise, as you grow up that it’s about quality more than quantity.

P: Yeah, definitely. Okay, M.

M is for Meaning.

We talked about this a lot, having meaning and purpose in your life.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So that sort of correlates with our model as well.

M: Yep.

  • Volunteering or
  • Finding passions

Again, this is very similar, I find, and we kind of crossover in our model with Seligman’s Engagement and Meaning. The E and the M from PERMA, there’s a lot of cross-over in those two.

P: Yeah, and the last one is:

A for Accomplishments.

  • Setting goals,
  • Setting smart goals,
  • Reflecting on past successes and
  • Looking for creative ways to celebrate your achievements.

I love that one.

M: Yes. We really don’t talk much about achievement and goal setting except to enable those foundations. So, we have had quite a few episodes where we’ve talked about setting goals and also creating habits –

P: Yes.

M: Towards those goals.

P: Yep.

M: Definitely, you can’t put any of this into practise without goal setting and habit forming and understanding how to do that.

P: I actually think the habit forming is the crux of it, because when something becomes a habit, it becomes what’s the word?

M: Self-fulfilling?

P: Self-fulfilling, that’s the one yep.

M: Laugh, for those of you who can’t see Pete, which is all of you –

P: Laugh.

M: – His head is doing circles on his shoulders.

P: Laugh, I physicalise my thought process.

M: Laugh.

P: Sometimes I have to get up and do pirouettes.

M & P: Laugh.

M: So, absolutely. So, this brings in something that we talk about as underpinning our three foundations. This actually brings it into the model as something that you ought to do.

P: Hmm.

M: So, a different way of looking at things and really who are we to judge? Martin Seligman is God.

P & M: Laugh.

M: In the positive psychology world, laugh! Not that I mean to be offensive to anyone.

P: Oh, leave that to me. I’m much better at that than you.

M: Well, I apologise at least ‘cause I was potentially offensive.

P: Laugh.

M: Moving on. Moving on to Tal Ben-Shahar, who is a… He was a Harvard professor. He wrote the book ‘Happier’ and he has a model, so he’s legit.

P: Laugh.

M: And it is SPIRE model.

P: This is colourful.

M: Well, we can see something colourful.

P: We’ll put this in the show Notes for Leandra [producer].

M & P: Laugh.

P: I like this one, it’s got colours, laugh.

M: All right. So, the five elements of SPIRE are:

  • Spiritual,
  • Physical,
  • Intellectual,
  • Relational, and
  • Emotional.

P: Mmm.

M: And for spiritual, Tal is clear to say that there is evidence that having faith, people with faith tend to be happier.

However that doesn’t mean that you need faith in order for this pillar to be important to you.

P: Ok.

M: And really, what this is about is having a meaningful and mindful life. So are you… Is your soul content? Is how I would put it. For those of you who are not religious, are you at peace with who you are and where you are in the world? And again, is your soul content.

P: Mmm. Okay.

M: For P, Physical. Again, caring for the body and tapping into the mind-body connection.

So, Tal talks about whole being, well-being. So, is your entire body healthy? And he’s very much influenced by early philosophical writing but also eastern philosophy and talks very much about the connection between mind and body and how you can’t be healthy physically and not mentally and have well-being.

P: Yes.

M: And vice versa.

P: Yes, definitely and that’s basically my start in my happiness journey that came for me at a very young age. It’s that is interest in eastern philosophy and that combination of healthy body, healthy mind.

M: Mmm hmm. So, he also talks about the importance of all five of these elements in the SPIRE model and how they interact with each other. And sometimes you could do one activity that satisfies two or three of these elements in the model.

P: Finding the crossover?

M: Yeah.

P: They’re good ones to get into. Laugh.

M: Yeah, definitely.

P: Do ones that tick more than one box.

M: Yeah, exactly. Life’s busy. I don’t have time to do five new things.

P: Absolutely.

M: But I could do two new things if they cover all five of these elements.

P: There we go, yeah.

M: Yeah.

I, Intellectual and I love this.

M: And this is my go to. This is where I come back to, and I over invest.

P: Laugh.

M: This is my safe and happy place.

P: Yes.

M: So, this is engaging in deep learning or opening yourself up to new experiences.

P: Mmm.

M: So, for me one of the biggest rubs in my marriage was the first holiday we went on, and all my husband wanted to do was nothing.

P: Laugh.

M: And all I wanted to do was see everything, now!

P: Laugh. I’ve been there with you on a holiday, Muz.

M: Laugh.

P: I feel Francis’s pain. Five hours in Buckingham Palace.

M: So? You enjoyed it.

P: I enjoyed it. I did enjoy it.

M & P: Laugh.

P: But I can imagine how that would be challenging for someone who is not interested in Renaissance art. Laugh.

M: You can go back to the hotel, and they have a pool with cocktails.

P: Laugh.

M: So, Intellectual and definitely Tal in his teaching says that we tend to gravitate towards some of these more than others, so Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual.

The next one is Relational, otherwise known as relationships.

P: Yep.

M: And again, as we’ve said about nurturing those relationships that bring you happiness and joy.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: And last one is Emotional. And again, this is about feeling all your emotions, so not hiding emotions. No emotions are wrong.

P: No. It is okay to be curled up heap on the floor, bawling your eyes out.

M: Absolutely.

P: Just don’t stay there.

M: Don’t stay there and understanding that all emotions are valid and important. It’s only behaviours that are right or wrong.

P: Yes. Oh, I like that Muz, well done.

M: Well, this is from Tal. I’m just repeating… Yeah, yeah. Smarter people came before us.

P & M: Laugh.

P: D’Oh!

M: Can’t claim it as my own this time, laugh. It’s not one of our pearls of wisdom.

P: Laugh.

M: And by feeling all your emotions and understanding how to manage yourself through those emotions in a constructive way, you can reach towards resilience and optimism.

P: Mmm. This comes back to a point that we made in one of our very earlier podcasts, where we talked about using precise words and using our adjectives to describe our emotions and be really specific about what it is that we’re feeling. So, are you feeling angry or are you feeling frustrated?

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So, if you’re feeling frustrated, you can by being specific with your wording, you can come at a problem or an issue from a slightly more intellectual perspective and break it down to be even more direct and go ‘Oh, I’m not angry, I’m frustrated.’ That lessens the impact a little bit, puts you a bit more in control.

M: Labelling things, gets you out of your emotional brain and into your intellectual side of the brain and then helps you to move forward and create steps needed to unpack that.

P: Doesn’t put you at the mercy of your emotions.

M: Or, you know, have a tantrum on the floor. Whatever it is that you decide you want to do next. Whatever behaviour…

P: Hey, breaking mirrors is valid.

M: Ooh.

P: It’s really good externalisation of things. Just break a mirror and then –

M: Maybe not a mirror.  

P: Oh, it looks really good and it shatters! Laugh!

M: Oh, I don’t know. I’d prefer to kick something that is meant to be kicked like a punching bag.

P: Oh yeah, ok. Each to their own, laugh.

M: Laugh, true. Each to their own.

P: Laugh.

M: So, those are two models that are pretty, you know, popular models within the positive psychology realm. And really, this was just about sharing other ways to look at happiness.

P: Mmm.

M: So, ours isn’t necessarily the best, but we have a model. So, we are legit now too, laugh.

P: Laugh! Yay, us!

M: These people have PhDs, though, so I definitely recommend listening to them.

P: Sure.

M: But, there are different ways of organising what is essentially the same types of activities, and they’re all scientifically proven, you know backed with research. There’s a gazillion out now of different types of research into all the things that we talk about.

P: Mmm.

M: But what I would say is these are also really good frameworks to do a little self-assessment and check in against.

P: Mmm, yeah.

M: So, if I were coming off the back of this episode, Pete, I would pick one of these and just do a little check in. So, if you’re going to pick PERMA from Martin Seligman.

P: Yep.

M: You know, how much positive emotion have you had in the past month? And how much do you have coming up in the next month?

P: And have you made space for that?

M: Block something in or book a catch up for coffee or something, or a WebEx call if you’re in lockdown.

P: Yeah.

M: That kind of thing.

P: Yeah.

M: Engagement. Are you doing any activities you love? If not, are you trying to find activities you love? And there could be a test and learn in here as well. Or like me, I discovered writing early on and then lost it for a while. And I’ve rediscovered that recently.

P: Mmm.

M: Relationships, you know. Are you tending your garden?

P: Laugh.

M: Meaning, are you actually taking some time to give back or to work out ways to use your passions to help others or spend quality time with people you care about.

P: So important.

M: Be kind to others.

P: Mmm. Yeah, and putting time in place to be kind.

M: Yeah.

P: What’s your investment portfolio for your kindness? Ooh.

M: And that takes us to the A of PERMA. Are you spending time setting goals and looking at your accomplishments and achievements?

P: Mmm.

M: Are you putting those habits into practise?

P: Yes.

M: And again, if you’re going to use these any of the three models we’ve talked about today to do a little self-check in. Don’t go trying to climb a mountain first thing off the bat.

P: Yes, laugh.

M: Pick one small thing that you can change and then put it in your diary. So, like me, I think I mentioned last episode that I started running on the treadmill every lunchtime.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: It’s in my diary and blocked every lunchtime, Monday to Friday, I do a run.

P: You’ve got to make space for it. And if you don’t write them down often you don’t follow them through and if they’re in the back of your mind. You’ve got to bring them to the forefront of your mind. And that means putting it out there, putting it on your mirror, the makeup mirror that you look at first thing in the morning, in your phone, put a reminder in your phone, ‘Have you had 10 minutes of mindfulness today?’

M: Yes.

P: And if you haven’t made it a priority, make sure that you schedule that into your day or into your weekly routine.

M: Yep.

P: Yeah.

M: So, challenge is have a look at these three models. Find one that works for you. Do a self-check in, schedule one thing that you’re going to change for the next week and lock it in forever more into your calendar, and then put a reminder for a month from now to do the same thing with a new habit.

P: Yeah.

M: It takes about a month to build a habit. So, let your first one settle in a bit and then put a reminder in for your second (or) next one that you want to really tackle.

P: And doing this for someone else is actually a really good way to keep you accountable.

M: Mmm.

P: Like any good habit being accountable for your habits and just telling someone this is what I’m aiming to do, and having them hold you to account is a really good self-check if you like, or –

M: It’s the basis for the success of weight watchers.

P: True? Yes.

M: Mmm hmm. And on that note, we’re going to call it.

P: Laugh.

M: We’re over time again, our poor production person, every week is like ‘Ahh!’

P: Sorry, Leandra.

M & P: Laugh!

M: All right, well, wishing you a happy week and we’ll see you again next time.

P: Bye!

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

All About the 5 Love Languages (E30)

by

Happiness for Cynics

This week, Marie and Pete discuss #1 New York Times bestseller Dr Gary Chapman’s “5 Love Languages” and how important it is for your relationship and your happiness to understand your own personal love language and that of your partner.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness. A love boat singer and seventies disco flare wearing backup dancer.

[Laughter]

P: Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low.

P: Or if you’re only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it.

M: Or maybe you just want more!

P: Then this is the place to be! [Sings] The love boat.

M: [Laugh] This week if you haven’t guessed we are talking about love languages and Pete has just played the Love Boat song, and sang along.

P: It’s so much fun. He he. Come on, sing it with me. You kind of expect, you know Barry White to come on. It’s kind of vibe.

M: That is Five seconds were allowed before we get fined.

P: Oh, Boo. It’s so much fun.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: Okay, So this week, we are talking about a book by Gary Chapman and a concept, Sorry. [Whispers] So much more than a book.

P: [Laugh]

M: It’s more than a book and I deliberately told Pete not to do any research on it.

P: I am completely open. I am an open… book. [Laugh]

M: So Gary Chapman wrote a book called ‘The Five Love Languages’, and … I’ve mentioned it multiple times because in Covid, you have really missed touch and I’ve told you multiple times, I think touch is your love language.

P: Right.

M: During, during the past 30 episodes, and you’ve… smiled and nodded and gone ‘Meh… OK’.

P: I trust you Muz, you know me so well.

M: [Laugh] so I think it’s about time we talked about love languages.

P: Ok, so what are love languages?

M: So, they are the parts of us that represent our emotional need for love. So when our love tanks are full, everything is good.

P: Ooh, ok.

M: But we all work on different types of fuel, and being filled up with the wrong fuel can leave us feeling empty or unfulfilled. But when you fill people up with the right fuel, the right love language, then they feel on top of the world they feel loved.

P: I feel like I’m ethanol number 10.

[Laughter]

M: Touch… it is the dirtiest.

P: [Laugh] I could say something that would be inappropriate. [Hysterical laughter] OK, alright… I like this idea, though, that everyone has their own, their own need and it’s about identifying that persons need to be able to fill up their well spring of love language that brings them to their highest point.

M: It makes them feel happy.

P: Yeah, I get that.

M: And loved. Actually loved and cared for.

P: That resonates very strongly with me.

M: Great. Tick.

P: I’m in, I’m in, I’m buying in Marie.

M: [Laugh]

P: I always buy in, who am I kidding.

M: One of the things that Chapman talks about is that at the beginning of a relationship, it’s a free for.

P: Mmm. Ok

M: You’ve got all the butterflies. Doesn’t matter what they’re doing. You’re all loving on each other. Honey moon phase.

P: Yeah. Fireworks are going off.

M: Yep.

P: Lady and the Tramp spaghetti moments.

M: Yep. Now, when this really makes a difference, is once you through that honeymoon phase, right.

P: Yep

M: So we’ll start with number one.

So the first love language is:

Words of Affirmation.

P: Are these love poems? Are these the things that you write to your partner and leave on pieces of paper randomly in books?

M: Yes, it is supportive and complimentary words that make them feel the most loved.

P: So when they ‘do I look fat in this dress’, you say ‘Yes, baby. I mean no, baby.

M: That would be just a normal conversation and a no brainer to say no.

P: Yeah, true.

M: I’m just gonna throw that out. So the people whose love language use words of affirmations seek for others to tell them positive things. That’s what makes them feel good about themselves it’s what makes them feel loved and cared for. So it’s not me, that’s not me. 

P: Is this different to narcissism in terms of needing that to boost you up?

M: So there’s, there’s four others that we’ll get to in a second.

P: Alright, jumping the gun.

M: This is… No, no, no. Look, I think it’s a, it’s a fair question that could apply to any of the five, total.

P: Right, gotcha.

M: It is about what makes you feel special.

P: Okay.

M: All right?

P: Yeah.

M: And the person that you love, you want them to make you feel special. And sometimes this is more about, just like with so many other things have discussed, knowing yourself and more than that, knowing your partner and how you can make them feel special. But also them knowing what makes you feel special. Because if they’re talking to you in your wrong language.

P: It’s not registering.

M: They could be trying and trying and trying.

P: And you’re not recognising it, definitely.

M: And you feel unloved.

P: Okay. Yeah, I’m so with you. Okay.

M: All right.

P: Number two?

M: Number two:

Quality Time.

So these people, who, their love language is quality time, they require moments of undivided attention from their partners.

P: I definitely agree with that one. You need your me time with your partner.

M: And these people –

P: Date night, it’s date night.

M: Yes. It is Date night. And date night can’t be movie watching for these people.

P: Oh, right. It’s not quality time together.

M: Yes, quality is the key word there.

P: I got you, righto. That’s an easy one.

M: Okay. Number three:

Receiving Gifts.

P: Oohh…

M: And for these people, it’s not about the money, it’s the thought.

P: So buying a treasure trove of jewellery that you just give a box to every now and then, that doesn’t work.

M: I mean, look I’ll never say no to jewellery.

P: [Laugh] Wrapped in Tiffany’s?

M: Yes. I like diamonds.

[Laughter]

P: But it’s the thoughtfulness behind those sorts of gifts, the little things that you leave out or wake up one morning and there’s a gift.

M: Even the flowers that you picked from the neighbour’s yard.

P: Yeah.

M: But the fact that you picked a couple and stopped and thought my significant other would like this came home and presented it to them that, you know, if someone is a gift receiver, is there love language, then that will mean the world to that person.

P: It’s a bit like a cat bringing a dead mouse to your door. Is that, is that a gift?

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s the cat’s way of going ‘Here, I caught this for you. Here you go.’

M: It’s the thought.

P: Yeah, right.

M: So, actually, the funny thing is… someone whose love language is receiving gifts would see that from the cat and be completely touched by that.

P: Hhmm. I get it. I get that. I understand.

M: The rest of us would be like, eugghh..

P: [Laugh] Take it away.

M: All right. So number four is:

Acts of Service.

P: Oh, I’m a big one on this one.

M: Yep, so this is me.

P: Yeah?

M: The act of one partner doing things for the other person. So I have those ‘aawww moments’ when my husband has done a load of laundry and put it away when I get home.

P: Including picking up his socks?

[Laughter]

M: Yep and he’s bothered to pick up his socks off the floor. [Laugh]

P: It’s good that you register that.

[Laughter]

M: Or when I’m really busy at work and I’m running late and he puts dinner on without asking.

P: That, that was the next one that I was going to go to, like you come home and dinner is cooked for you. Who doesn’t go, ‘oh’ when you walk in and someone says here’s dinner, it’s a roast turkey.

M: Yep.

P: You know that that’s been effort put in, and that someone’s actually thought they’re going to be stressed, they’re gonna be hungry when they get home. I’m going to make dinner, and you walk in and there’s a candlelit table who wouldn’t go ‘oh’ over that?

M: So I need to get you to teach my husband about the candles and the turkey.

P: Problem is, if I did that, I’d probably end up coming over for dinner.

M: [Laugh] In a way, you both would have done an act of service that I would be grateful for.

P: This isn’t… I actually had a conversation with a friend of mine today. Over lunch about this exact point and he very freely volunteers the fact that he will make his lovers or his affectionate ones feel like a prince or a princess and He will absolutely go to all the ends of the Earth to do those sorts of things and make you feel like you are the most special person on Earth. He doesn’t want that in return.

M: And here’s the thing, is he projecting what he thinks they want on them and all they actually want is for him to say, ‘Jeez babe, you look hot’.

P: Possibly, possibly.

M: You know or if words of affirmation, you know, other things-

P: True.

M: – were your love language. So this is the next step I would say for him he might be displaying his love for others in a way that they’re not receiving [it].

P: I agree. Yes, definitely. And I’m big on that, but I think it’s, it’s an interesting trait of someone to be… And I think I fall into this as well, like I am very much am big on cooking dinner for someone ‘saying come over and I will massage you for the evening or, you know go two hours overtime when I really shouldn’t, which some of my Clients have said ‘I’ve got to be somewhere at seven thirty’ and I’ve said ‘Shut up and put your head on the table.

[Laughter]

P: You know, glasses of wine or whatever. Or that act of service, washing the car, cleaning out the bedroom.

M: Yep.

P: That sort of thing, they are expressions of service and if we don’t recognise those for the acts of love they are that’s a miscommunication. I like that one. Number four is me.

M: Woah, well, here’s number five which I think is you.

P: Yeah. Okay. This is a biggy.

M: So,

Physical Touch.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: And it is recognised for its bonding effects for everyone. But for the person with this love language, physical touch is the supreme representation of love.

P: Guilty as charged, definitely.

M: It is snuggling and cuddling and holding hands and just having your hand on someone’s shoulder. Just being close and near to them, is this person’s love language.

P: Yeah, huge, definitely. Does it have to be giver or receiver?

M: What do you mean?

P: So if you’re a physical touch person, do you have to give or do you have to receive?

M: It’s your love language.

P: So it’s the way that you express it.

M: It’s the way that you need it to have your tank filled. So you need other’s physical touch.

P: You need physical touch, gotcha.

M: Which is why I think you were missing it and why your tank was low over the Covid isolation.

P: I’ll give you that, yep. Definitely. I was craving touch a lot. Actually, it was, it was difficult because I was very much separated from my friends who I get my physical touch from.

M: Mmm hhmm

P: I don’t have a partner and I’m very reliant on the affection of my friends. To give me those hugs, to slap me on the ass and you know, you know, even to give me a headlock or something like that, that’s physical touch. That’s expression of affection. And, yeah, I’m very dependent on that. And it was really difficult when Covid was in the height that I wasn’t getting any of that. It was really tough.

M: Yep, so that’s why multiple times I’ve said, I think physical touch is your love language Pete.

P: [Laugh]

M: And I think that’s why you missed it so much and why you were running on empty a bit from, a love perspective.

P: Yep, definitely.

M: Not that acts of service wouldn’t maybe, maybe you’re a hybrid?

P: No I –

M: Part electric? Part?

[Laughter]

P: I’m a Toyota Camry.

M: Part electric…

[Laughter]

M: Acts of Service a little bit with a lot of Physical Touch.

P: Well, I guess that’s what this is, what it comes down to. Can you be a blend of all three, all five of these? Or is there one that is the primary expression for you?

M: I think you could. I think, with all things there’s no black and white with any of this. But I think most people would go, ‘Yes, that’s me or these two are me.’ So I think you’d be more dominant. Definitely.

P: So it’s good to recognise that because then you can identify that if you are feeling that your tank is a bit low.

M: Well, I think like with so much of what we talked about, the reason it’s important is about understanding yourself and what makes you happy.

P: Yes.

M: And again so you can communicate with your partner. So I think a lot of miscommunication and not feeling loved can be avoided by understanding each other a little bit better. Having a conversation around what makes you feel loved.

P: Identifying which one of the five you are.

M: Yeah, and knowing that, I’m in acts of service person, but that might not be Francis, so I could do laundry until –

P: Francis being your husband.

M: Yes, and I could do laundry till the cows come home and feel really rejected that I’m not even getting a thank you for it and that Francis isn’t feeling loved because I keep picking up his socks.

P: [Laugh]

M: And I could let that really drive a wedge between us or we could have a conversation about how he likes to feel loved and we can split the laundry, and I can tell him he looks hot in his new jeans. That would be much easier than doing laundry all the time.

P: [Laugh] It’s also recognising that. So when you hear that that someone or you does an act of service like picking up their socks, you go aww they’re trying isn’t that nice.

M: Yep.

P: They’re trying to meet me on my love language.

M: Yes, absolutely.

P: Which could be really hard for some couples, I imagine. Or some relationships is meeting someone on their love language and if you’re not a physical person, but your partner is a physical touch love language. Woah that’s gonna be tough. It’s going to be hard.

M: Well, I think we all start relationships with the right intent, which is to make the other person happy. You want that at the beginning at least.

P: Ok. That’s, that’s an assumption. But Yes.

M: [Laugh] Ok. It’s a big assumption I guess.

P: Well it is because a lot of it’s about making us happy. You go into a relationship because you want them to make you feel happy.

M: All right, maybe we need to go down a different route, [Laugh] that is a whole other kettle of fish.

P: I’m sorry, I’m throwing spanners in the works here. [Laugh]

M: Yeah, so I think that, I think what you give to a person comes back to you.

P: Oh, I completely agree. Yep, yep definitely.

M: So if you’re aiming to make someone else happy, that comes back to you, you know, tenfold. So understanding early on what that person needs to be happy, it just becomes, a bit of a habit then about the way that you two work together. So, I guess. How do you know which one you are?, is a really good question.

P: Hhmm.

M: I’ve got a few points here.

So if you’re always seeking approval or recognition for who you are or what you do, then you’re love language may be Words of Affirmation.

P: Yeah, that’s fair. Approval. Approval via words which is very specific.

M: If you’re asking, you know, ‘How’s the dinner? Do you like it? Is it good? Or…

P: Do I look good in these jeans?

M: Yes.

[Laughter]

M: Now.

If you frequently initiate evening walks, then Quality Time may be your primary love language.

P: Oohh I like that. If you’re initiating actions to spend with your partner and encouraging them to come with you on certain aspects of your lifestyle then, yeah, yeah.

M:

If you keep and cherish small gifts, you may speak the love language of Receiving Gifts.

P: Does that make you a hoarder?

M: Yeah, well, you might be a hoarder, it’s a fine line.

P: [Laugh]

M: I think my mom might be one of these [Gift Receiver], because she’s still got a box with all of our birthday cards and-

P: Oh my mum’s the same. She categorises them.

M: Maybe it’s just a thing older people do.

P: We all have our own book, like my sister and I, and even the niece and nephew they all have their own books.

M: Aww. Maybe that’s her love language then.

P: Keeper of the treasures.

M: Receiver of gifts.

P: Yeah.

M:

If you feel overwhelming love when your partner brings home takeout. [Love language- Acts of Service]

P: [Laugh] OK, for those of you who don’t know Marie and Bruce [Francis’s Australian name] are like the take out kings and queens. [Laugh]

M: I just.. hate cooking.

P: [Laugh]

M: I’m so privileged I get it, but I just hate cooking and it’s so cheap nowadays.

P: True.

M: I just don’t get it.

P: Anyway they could be cooking for you as well. So if someone cooks dinner for you every night, is that the same?

M: Yeah, look, it’s yeah, but to me it’s not the thought that counts when it comes to cooking dinner. So I think both me and Francis are better out of the kitchen.

P: [Laugh]

M: He does a really mean soup and toast from a packet.

[Laughter]

M:

Then if you melt when your partner touches you randomly, then Physical Touch.

P: Oh, yeah definitely.

M: That’s probably your love language.

P: That’s my love language. Definitely. Yeah, yeah, I think that’s a yes. It’s a measurement of intimacy. And it is those soft, and you could be having the worst argument on and it’s just that one little touch that just makes you go ‘Yep, we’re good’.

M: Little touch?

P: Yep, it could be a small touch, doesn’t need to be big.

M: Not an angry touch? You’re having an argument?

P: That depends on how good the angry gets?

[Laughter]

M: We’re not talking make up sex.

P: [Laugh] You’re going to throw me on couch, wrestle me down. Yeah, maybe sure [laugh].

M: If we were videoing this. You would see the way that Pete reached to me when he was talking about having an angry discussion and ran his, trailed his finger down my arm.

P: Oh, dear. [Laugh]

M: All right, so again, why is this important? Why are we talking about this? It’s self-awareness again.

P: It is, it’s recognising what your language of communication is, which I think leads to more intimate relationships.

M: Absolutely. Yep.

P: If you’re sending the right signals and if you are receiving the right information then it enriches your happiness, it makes you feel better about things because you’re recognising them. You may not necessarily receive them in the right way, but you’re recognising the effort, which leads to more intimacy and more understanding of, of happiness and good feelings.

M: Plus, if your partner stops cooking really very average dinners and just brings you home or take out and it makes you happier, like Bob’s your Uncle.

P: True.

M: Hint, hint.

P: Too bad for the cook out there who just can’t get the pumpkin soup right.

M: From a packet, let’s be really clear. There’s no cooking from scratch going on here.

P: So not my role. You’re talking to the man that makes a roast chicken at 11 o’clock at night if he needs to.

M: Okay, maybe you can cook for me then. That’ll work.

P: Sure.

M: All right, so last tip or hint to move forward for our listeners is Google lists. So they’re are surveys online that you and your partner can do to learn a bit more about each other and if nothing else, just a fun little exercise. So if you enjoy spending quality time with each other, then this is the thing to Google and do on a Friday night.

P: It’s like the Cosmo sex quiz.

M: Done. That is it. That is absolutely it. I haven’t done one of those since I was a teenager.

P: Yeah, there’s a reason. [Laugh]

M: Do they still exist?

P: [Laugh] Ok, Thanks for joining us today. If you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast.

M: And remember, you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, a site about how to find balance, happiness and resilience in your life until next time.

P: Choose happiness.

Related content: Listen to our Podcast: Positive Affirmations (E29)