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positivity

What’s the prescription for positivity? Interview with Dr Suzy Green 

08/04/2022 by Marie

Dr Suzy Green is a Clinical and Coaching Psychologist and Founder & CEO of The Positivity Institute, a Sydney-based positively deviant organisation dedicated to the research and application of the science of optimal human functioning in organisations and schools. She is a leader in the complementary fields of coaching psychology and positive psychology having conducted a world-first study on evidence-based coaching as an applied positive psychology. Suzy has published over twenty academic chapters and peer reviewed journal articles including the Journal of Positive Psychology. She is the co-editor of Positive Psychology Coaching in Practice, Positive Psychology Coaching in the Workplace and The Positivity Prescription.   

Suzy lectured on applied positive psychology as a Senior Adjunct Lecturer in the Coaching Psychology Unit, University of Sydney for ten years and is an Honorary Vice President of the International Society for Coaching Psychology. Suzy is an Honorary Visiting Professor at the University of East London and holds Honorary Academic positions at the Centre for Wellbeing Science, University of Melbourne, the Black Dog Institute and she is an Affiliate of the Institute for Wellbeing, Cambridge University. Suzy is also a member of the Scientific Advisory Board for Coach Hub, a leading global coaching technology platform. Suzy is an official ambassador for the Starlight Children’s Foundation, and she maintains a strong media profile appearing on television, radio and in print.   

The Positivity Institute

Q: Maybe we can start with understanding a bit about you and your personal journey with positive psychology, and what made you interested in it as a field of study?  

Suzy: Absolutely. I mean it’s been a bit of a journey, Marie. So, I actually left school when I was 16, and no one in my family had gone to Uni, so it wasn’t really expected. I guess I was fortunate to have someone inspire me to go back as a mature age student. Which I did, I think at about age 25-26. During that time, I had two children, so my degree was sort of elongated. It took me, I think, eight years and two children.  

But I guess even before I started the degree in my early twenties, I started reading some self-help books. You know, I think just looking for solutions to the struggles that many young people have, particularly in their early twenties and thinking about what life might look like for them and what their career might look like. And I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I’d been doing administration and secretarial work. I was a damn fine secretary.  

I wasn’t really challenged enough, so I was reading a lot of self-help books and really loved them. And I guess then, going into psychology, I became more intrigued about human behaviour. And I loved my psych studies. I knew from the very first lecture that I was going to make it right through to the end. Something went click in my first lecture. And it’s been the best thing that I’ve done in my life. Besides, my Children! Clearly. 

It’s great to be on a career path, something that I absolutely love, and over the years have come to realise that this is my calling. This is exactly what I’m meant to be doing. And I’ve been laughing and reflecting on my school reports in my year 7 to 10 and every single one said, “If Susie could just stop talking…” 

Now I realise that was my strength, and I’m absolutely playing to my strengths now. So, when I started my psych, it really in many ways confirmed some of the self-help stuff. There is a lot of science underpinning some of the ideas that float around in the self-help section. I became, really, I guess, committed to the science. Because I’ve got curiosity and love of learning as two of my top strengths, I love to read really broadly. And then when I work on a project, like I’m doing a quite a few positive leadership projects at the moment, it gives me a chance to go back and pull out the mind of the leader and read more deeply on mindful leadership or other aspects of positive leadership. 

So that’s sort of that’s my journey. And I intend to be on this for quite a while longer, and I’m a big advocate of positive ageing. I feel very, very privileged and very blessed to be working in this field.  

Q: I’m just going to take us off course already because you mentioned positive ageing, can you just give us a quick, brief description of what that means? 

Suzy: There’s been quite a few different studies. One of the biggest ones is the Harvard Study of Adult Development that followed Harvard graduates right through. I think it might even still be going, and they looked at a significant number of factors that might impact both physical and mental health. And there are a lot of factors. But the one that had the biggest impact was positive relationships, the quality of our relationships. It was a bigger predictor of wellbeing above and beyond even [quitting] cigarette smoking.  

Positive relationships had the most significant impact on our positive ageing. How well we age, both physically and psychologically. And there’s also some interesting studies. Professor Ellen Langer, she did great studies, you might have heard of called counter-clockwise where they took, and I think it was men again. They took them to retreats, and they set those retreats up as if they were in the fifties or the sixties. There were two groups. One group of men were asked to just reminisce and reflect on what it was like to be 50 again. The other group were given very explicit instructions to, “as much as you possibly can believe you are 50. As much as you can.” They didn’t have porters take their bags. Some of them had come from homes where they had been cared for and all of the caring was taken away, and they had to engage as actively as they can, as if they were 50 again. And both groups at the end of 10 days – that’s a pretty short period of time – reported significant increases on both physical and mental health, even to the point that their fingers were longer because their arthritis had settled down. And so, their fingers straightened out. Now, it’s had some critique because it hasn’t been replicated. But to me, I like to sit at the edge of research and think, “Okay, it wasn’t a perfect study, okay, it wasn’t replicated, but there might be something in here and let’s see where the research takes us into the future.” 

And I think that’s a really important fact because there’s also been a few studies in recent years that have actually been refuted that have said, well, this is what we thought but now this research is really questioning that. So, replication in science is really, really important. And whenever I quote a study, I always say there’s been one study or there’s only been two studies, because I think we need to be mindful of that. Also because I’m primarily a practitioner. I’m a big believer in having a willingness to experiment, you know?  

Q. So we do also like to break down barriers and stigma. And there is obviously still a lot of barriers that we do need to break down in our society and around the world. If you don’t mind me asking, would you share your first personal experience with mental ill health or experience with someone close to you?  

Suzy: Yeah. Look, I think in my family… And it’s so interesting, I think the older I get, I guess, for everyone. You look back and you see things differently. I mean, even every decade I look back at events and I look at them slightly differently, so I find that in and of itself really interesting. 

But I, as I said, I started training as a psychologist in my twenties, and I had two small children in my twenties. And my first job was at a psychiatric clinic, and the psychiatrist gave me particularly patients with high levels of anxiety. And he said, one of the best things you can teach people with anxiety is progressive muscle relaxation, learning how to consciously tense and relax muscles. Because when you’re anxious, you often hold a lot of tension in your body, and that can cause physical pain, migraines, a whole range of physical effects. And so, he taught me and then I taught my clients how to do progressive muscle relaxation. And during that time, I became a much more relaxed person. And I hadn’t even graduated, like I had started my psych studies, and they do talk about “intern phenomena” or something where you start diagnosing yourself.  

You know what? For some bizarre, delusional reason, I did not see that I had anxiety. Now that I look back I’m like, “Oh my God, I had really high levels of anxiety”, but I think I managed it pretty well. I don’t exactly know how I did that. I probably did that via pure avoidance. I would say up until I learned the skills as a psychologist. Because if you avoid something, you avoid putting yourself in those anxiety producing situations. But you’re basically training your brain to believe that it is a dangerous situation, and it just confirms, or it just keeps the anxiety going. So, in fact, our way to treat anxiety is to feel the fear. And there’s many different ways of graded exposure.  

They used to throw you in the deep end. That’s that saying you know. If you had a dog phobia in the fifties, they would put you in a room full of dogs and what they found was that that backfired for many people. And so, the research then confirmed that a graded approach, graded exposure is the most helpful way. But I guess what I’m saying is, then I started to look back. I didn’t really know my grandmother that, well, she passed away when I was quite young, but I started hearing stories about how she was a phenomenal pianist. She actually used to play in the silent movies back in the 1900’s or something like that. But my mom tells me this story of how she would never play in front of the family and there were five kids, and she would only ever play when the children were out. And as I started to learn about anxiety disorders, that’s a common experience. People sometimes don’t like to write; they don’t like to eat in front of others. And then I started to think perhaps my grandmother had quite high levels of anxiety. And then my mom, God bless her, she’s 95. She’s been a nail biter her whole life.  Very sort of, you know, she’s got to be on the move. She’s got to be doing things. She can never sit down and be slow. So, I can now clearly see the generational transmission, if you like, potentially genetic transmission.  

So, yes, I absolutely think that that was probably my first experience, but not really realising it. And now most of my career I’ve been ridden with anxiety. Most people wouldn’t know it. In fact, I just posted on Instagram on the weekend a picture of me presenting, and I’ve presented for 20 years, right? Most people would not know, but up until probably the last four or five years, it seems to have gone. It really seems to have gone away. I would say that’s due to just brain maturation and the ageing process, learning that things are never generally as bad as… or the fear that we have never comes to realisation. I’m also, I’m much more equipped now and I’ve habituated. So, I’ve done so, so many of them now that I don’t really worry anymore. And I know that even if I’m not prepared, I can still talk about stuff because I’ve got so much to say. 

So, it’s interesting nowadays. Most people understand depression and increasingly anxiety, but for many, many years we didn’t talk. Well firstly, we started talking about depression, and now more and more people are talking about anxiety. 

Q: You talk a lot about thriving and flourishing, which are relatively new terms over the past few years.  Can you help explain the difference between, say, mental ill-health and then languishing and then thriving or flourishing?  

Suzy: Yes. So as a clinical psychologist by profession, we were trained in the diagnosis of symptoms and disorders, and there’s a textbook called the DSM five, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, version five. Which outlines all of the various psychiatric and psychological disorders. So as psychologists, particularly since the Second World War, we’ve been able to diagnose. And really, it’s been about having a shared language so professionals can talk to each other. There has been a debate for many years though, around this categorical versus the dimensional, because it’s not black and white people have various manifestations of, I guess, symptoms if you want to call it that.  

So, I just want to reiterate. It’s not always categorical. We’re often looking at a dimensional approach. But when it came to wellbeing as a clinical psychologist, I didn’t have any lectures on wellbeing. It was really all about mostly mental ill-health, those disorders and about, I guess, the negative emotions that even now we realise that negative emotions can be positive. Say, for example, anger when used appropriately, it’s assertiveness to stand up for injustices for example. Whereas now we have a much better idea about what psychological wellbeing consists of.  

So again, there’s still a bit of debate. There’re a few different theoretical frameworks a few different models that are existing out there. But pretty much, most of the researchers agree, for example, that someone that is flourishing is experiencing more positivity or positive emotions like joy and gratitude and awe and elevation than negative. We don’t know exactly what the ratio is. There’s been some debate over that, but we generally know that most people are on a day to day or week to week or month to month basis, having more positivity than I guess fear, anger, sadness, for example. But it’s not as if someone that’s flourishing… I am flourishing right now. I would still be, you know, perhaps angry if something happened. I’d still be anxious if I was thrown out of my comfort zone and I wasn’t expecting it. 

So, there’s a fairly agreed set of ideas around what makes for a flourishing life. And if we take Marty Seligman, who’s the founder of Positive Psychology, his PERMA model. His theory and model suggest that people who have high levels of positive emotions, engagement, are in that flow state a fair amount of the time. We are using our strengths on a day-to-day basis. We have positive relationships, quality, not necessarily quantity. We have a sense of meaning and purpose, and we have levels of accomplishment that don’t detract from our wellbeing.  

And that’s a really important point, because more often than not these days we’re seeing achievement and performance undermine wellbeing. When in fact we really want it to support wellbeing. So, that’s sort of a snapshot of wellbeing. Most of us actually are moderately mentally healthy, a couple of large studies suggest, which is not bad.  

Really, we want to flourish as much as possible, we might dip in and out of moderately mentally healthy or languishing. Ideally, we’re not going to spiral down to a clinical disorder. But languishing could potentially be a sub-clinical depression. So it may be that your mood is starting to drop, and if you don’t address it, then it could spiral down to depression. But languishing and, interestingly, Adam Grant, who’s an organisational psychologist, very well known. He wrote a blog last year, which was entitled, Languishing: The Emotion that We’ve All Been Feeling [There’s a Name for the Blah You’re Feeling: It’s Called Languishing ] or something, or the Word for 2021, that’s how we’ve been feeling. [There’s a Name for the Blah You’re Feeling: It’s Called Languishing] 

So languishing is really lower levels of psychological wellbeing and not mental illness, but still potentially could spiral down as I said.  

So, flourishing is high levels of mental health and wellbeing and low levels of mental illness and languishing is sort of in between. Ideally, we want to try and pick ourselves up as much as possible for high levels of mental health and wellbeing and low levels of mental illness and psychological distress.  

Q: You mentioned before that there are quite a few studies that say on average our mental health is good. So, does that mean that you can be flourishing without putting any specific effort into being happy or does being happy or having good life satisfaction and thriving and flourishing does, does that take work?  

Suzy: It’s really interesting, isn’t it? Because in… I wouldn’t just say positive psychology but psychology generally, the discussion has really been around the power of the environment and the power of the context. Social psychology has always acknowledged, I guess, the power of the environment. So has organisational psychology. But, you know, in my work as a clinician, people would come to me and they would have a variety of external challenges, circumstances, environments going on. Now, in some cases, we could change those situations. 

We could leave the toxic job or the relationship or whatever. In some cases, people would say to me, I can’t leave that job, you know Suzy I need to pay my bills or whatever. So, we absolutely know that our context in our environments can prime us for wellbeing or can absolutely undermine wellbeing. So, first and foremost, I guess I just want to acknowledge that that’s a really big discussion right now. Through Covid, I was called in on many occasions to equip people with resilience and mental toughness skills, and absolutely, that’s the work that we do. I absolutely believe that we can, and we should be equipping people with the skills. But even with the skills, if you’re in a toxic environment, the skills aren’t… they might help you just survive if you’re lucky. But that environment and the people around you are still going to have an effect on your wellbeing.  

So, we ideally want to try and create environments, workplaces, schools, families, communities that prime or promote wellbeing and at the same time equip people with the skills for when, like we experienced in the last two years, when suddenly we can’t go into the workplace and we’re stuck in a small environment with nobody around us. So, we still need to have the skills to cope with life’s challenges.  

But we also need to be very mindful around our situations and ask ourselves, “are there any tweaks I can make?” or “how much control do I have?” If I’ve got some control, then go ahead and change your environment. Open the blinds let the sunlight in, whatever you can bring in pot plants, you know. We know pot plants prime for wellbeing. So, whatever you can do, you should do. But sometimes, as you know, we’re in situations that we’d rather not be in. But unfortunately, we don’t have 100% control over those situations.  

Q: We’re learning so much more about how to live the good life or increase life satisfaction or subjective wellbeing or happiness levels. And yet we’re still seeing a decline in mental health. Or an increase in mental ill-health and higher levels of depression, anxiety. Covid aside, we were already seeing that trend. What do we need to do to address this global issue? How can we address that mental health crisis? 

Suzy: Yeah, it’s such a big one, isn’t it? The European Positive psychology conference is on in June. I’m not sure if I’m going to get there this year, but there’s going to be a big focus on using positive psychology to create positive societies. A wonderful book by my colleagues is called Creating The World We Want To Live In: How Positive Psychology Can Build a Brighter Future is the name of the book, and I’ll give it a plug because it’s a brilliant book and it looks at all aspects of our lives. It looks at positive media, it looks at positive society, as I said, positive schools. And it looks at how could the science of positive psychology potentially inform and create more thriving context? 

I think it’s a really difficult one because there are so many variables that impact on wellbeing. We know, for example, that when people have high levels of autonomy, they are more likely to thrive at an individual level. So, if you’ve got choice, you’re more likely to thrive. And I’m aware of that that research on self-determination theory has been applied looking at countries and the degree to which they provide autonomy for their citizens. And in those countries that do provide high levels of autonomy, are less controlling, people report higher levels of wellbeing. 

So, there are so many different variables that we could take from the science of positive psych and look at how they could influence our society. But I think on the other hand, I would like to see greater levels of education, which is starting to happen in our schools. It’s not every school where children are learning these basic social and emotional learning skills or basic thinking skills that historically you wouldn’t learn until you went and saw the psychologist if something went wrong. I would love to see all schools, and I do believe into the future, that will be the future. All schools will offer some knowledge, so just not learning, reading, writing and arithmetic. You’ll learn these psychological skills to not just again survive, but to really to become your full potential while you’re here on the planet as well. So, I think education has a key role to play, but there are many other things that I unfortunately haven’t got the time to unpack today. But if anyone’s interested, that book is a great read. 

Q: I know that you’ve mentioned positive Psychology is a calling for you, but I’m really interested, if you could do or be anything else, what would it be? 

Suzy: That’s a simple one. A DJ. You know, high pumping music or anything that is uplifting and mood boosting. And I actually had a young person ask me that question not long ago. And they said, it’s not too late, Suzy, you know. And then it came across my Instagram, I think there’s a 90-year-old woman that’s like one of the top DJs globally. So, there’s still hope for me! 

Q: Love it. And then what is inspiring you at the moment? Are there any people, books, podcast, TV shows, apart from book you just mentioned, that we can take a look at?  

Suzy: Yes. Well, I would say, and even though I watched it, I finished it last year. I did watch it twice. It’s Ted Lasso. If you haven’t seen Ted Lasso, it’s an absolute must see, he is a walking, talking example of positive psychology of positive leadership. It’s hysterical. It’s quite funny the cultural clashes between the Americans and the English, and I just found it humorous, uplifting and also inspiring in terms of, as I said, being an exemplar for everything that we try to teach in positive psychology.  

——- 

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Filed Under: Blog, Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: happiness, mental health, positivity, resilience, wellbeing

Happiness Ted Talks to Watch These Holidays

15/12/2021 by Marie

What Are The 7 Top Happiness Ted Talks to Watch These Holidays? 

One of the things I love about life today is the easy access to inspiring ideas and content. We now have millions of experts, researchers and professionals at our fingertips, publishing content on the internet, just a click away. 

By far, one of the best curators of engaging talks and content is TED, and when it comes to the topic of happiness, they do not disappoint. TED has featured many of the great positive psychology superstars over the years (check out these top 11 positive psychology talks of all time), and they continue to publish new content on happiness from psychologists, journalists and monks among others. 

But like many of these amazing platforms, it’s easy to get drawn down a rabbit hole of random content. That’s why we’re pulled together this list for you – to keep you focused on the best and most recent inspiration, research and knowledge on happiness. So, if you want to start 2022 with a fresh and happy new outlook, these are the top happiness Ted Talks to watch these holidays. 

Top Happiness Ted Talks to Watch These Holidays 

3 Rules for Better Work-Life Balance, Ashley Whillans, 5:07 

Have you answered a work email during an important family event? Or taken a call from your boss while on vacation? According to behavioural scientist and Harvard Business School professor Ashley Whillans, “always-on” work culture is not only ruining our personal well-being — but our work, as well. She shares which bad habits are stopping us from getting what we need out of our free time and three practical steps for setting boundaries that stick.  

What’s your Happiness Score?, Dominic Price, 14:37 

How do you rediscover a happier, more purpose-driven (and less productivity-obsessed) self in the wake of the pandemic? Quiz yourself alongside work futurist Dominic Price as he lays out a simple yet insightful four-part guide to assessing your life in ways that can help you reconnect with what’s really important. 

How to be your best self in times of crisis, Susan David, 45:54 

“Life’s beauty is inseparable from its fragility,” says psychologist Susan David. In a special virtual conversation, she shares wisdom on how to build resilience, courage and joy in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic. Responding to listeners’ questions from across the globe, she offers ways to talk to your children about their emotions, keep focus during the crisis and help those working on the front lines. 

Helping others makes us happier – but it matters how we do it, Elizabeth Dunn, 14:20 

Research shows that helping others makes us happier. But in her ground-breaking work on generosity and joy, social psychologist Elizabeth Dunn found that there’s a catch: it matters how we help. Learn how we can make a greater impact — and boost our own happiness along the way — if we make one key shift in how we help others. “Let’s stop thinking about giving as just this moral obligation and start thinking of it as a source of pleasure,” Dunn says. 

The lies our culture tells us about what matters – and a better way to live, David Brooks, 14:45 

Our society is in the midst of a social crisis, says op-ed columnist and author David Brooks: we’re trapped in a valley of isolation and fragmentation. How do we find our way out? Based on his travels across the United States — and his meetings with a range of exceptional people known as “weavers” — Brooks lays out his vision for a cultural revolution that empowers us all to lead lives of greater meaning, purpose and joy. 

How to turn off work thoughts during your free time, Guy Winch, 12:20 

Feeling burned out? You may be spending too much time ruminating about your job, says psychologist Guy Winch. Learn how to stop worrying about tomorrow’s tasks or stewing over office tensions with three simple techniques aimed at helping you truly relax and recharge after work. 

This is what makes employees happy at work, Michael C. Bush, 3:59 

There are three billion working people on this planet, and only 40 percent of them report being happy at work. Michael C. Bush shares his insights into what makes workers unhappy — and how companies can benefit their bottom lines by fostering satisfaction. 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!  

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: happiness, mentalhealth, positivity, wellbeing

Living a Psychologically Rich Life (E89)

18/10/2021 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete discuss what it means to be living a psychologically rich life and how to reach your potential.

Show notes

Measuring your Psychological Richness – according to University of Virginia psychologist Shigehiro Oishi and his team.

Just answer on a scale from 1 (strongly disagree) to 7 (strongly agree) and see how you go! What you do with your final score is up to you 🙂 

  • I have had a lot of novel experiences. 
  • My life has been full of unique, unusual experiences. 
  • My life consists of rich, intense moments. 
  • I experience a full range of emotions via first-hand experiences such as travel and attending concerts. 
  • I have a lot of personal stories to tell others. 
  • On my deathbed, I am likely to say ‘‘I had an interesting life.” 
  • On my deathbed, I am likely to say ‘‘I have seen and learned a lot.” 

Recommended book on monogamy in the 21st century

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background] 

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.  

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.  

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.  

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny. 

[Intro music fadeout] 

P: [Dame Edna voice] Hello darlings.

M: [English accent] Hello.

P: Laugh, we’ve gone English!

M: I’m not going to keep that up because I don’t feel like being vulnerable right now, laugh.

P: Oh, that’s not good, are you ok Muz?

M: Ahh… yeah. Just, just tired. Tired, which just makes everything, you know, that bit testier and yeah.

P: Yeah, resilience gets low when we’re tired.

M: Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. So, we were just talking about a lovely listener who wrote us a beautiful message. Her name’s Laura.

P: Hi, Laura. We love you, Laura. Thank you so much for your email. It was so lovely to hear from you.

M: And we’re dedicating this episode to Laura, who’s had a tough year. A lot of us have, but [she’s had] a particularly tough year. So, Laura is also a positive psychology fan and is working on her own podcast.

P: Yes!

M: Which she’s yet to launch.

P: Come on, Laura, you can do it!

M: Laugh.

P: Just jump in! Turn towards the tidal wave with open arms and dive in! Laugh.

M: Be vulnerable, do it!

P: Laugh.

M: We’ll be your first listeners.

P: Absolutely, absolutely. I love what she said in the email because she talks exactly about what we talk about here on the podcast, the interest in positivity and being creative and finding different ways of reframing and being vulnerable and… just hit that open button and just go for a Laura! Share it! Because that’s ultimately the best way to create more energy and to create more connections.

M: And who would have thought, Pete, that anyone would give two hoots about what we have to say?

P: Laugh! I know, hello?!

M: When we launched my Mum, your sister, my sister were our only listeners.

P: Laugh, yeah, yeah.

M: We do have some lovely, like good friends that we know of. But there are hundreds of people who tune in every week to listen to us have a chat, laugh.

P: Laugh. Crazy really!

M: It is.

P & M: Laughter!

M: We’re calling all our listeners crazy. That’s probably not smart marketing.

P: No, definitely not. We’re fabulous. We’re artists, we know that we’re fabulous.

M: Well, our listeners are fabulous.

P: Yeah, our listeners are fabulous. Out listeners are unicorn idealists, laugh!

M: Absolutely.

P: Laugh!

M: I actually saw a lovely quote, which said, you know, next time you think ‘oh, I can’t believe we’ve got to work from home’, remember that you have a home, and you have a job.

P: Very true. Very true. Miserable being must find more miserable being and then he’s happy.

M: … I have no idea what that means.

P: Laugh!

M: What did you say, a miserable being must find another miserable being and then he’s happy?

P: Look up, Lady and the Tramp, the Russian Wolfhound talking to the Tramp. You’ll get it, laugh!

M: All right. Thank you for that clarification. We all have our marching orders, laugh.

P: Laugh!

M: Me and our listeners, laugh.

P: The Lady and the Tramp 1947. Don’t quote me on that, laugh. [1955!] Anyway, moving on.

M: Moving on. What are we talking about today?

P: A psychologically rich life.

M: A psychologically rich life.

P: Mmm.

M: And I don’t think that anyone, in my entire… 21 years has ever said to me it’s important that you have a psychologically rich life.

P: I love this idea. I think it’s brilliant. It’s kind of, it is that thing of turning towards the world and going ‘Come at me. I’m ready!’ Laugh, bring on everything.

M: I think it’s a real… struggling for the right word, real example of how far we’ve come since we grew up, in the early 2000’s.

P: [Snort] Laugh! That’s being very generous!

M: Laugh, ok in the 21st century. When we grew up back then [late 1900’s] mental health and psychology were… I mean psychology was purely about fixing the ill, the mentally ill.

P: The seriously mentally ill, yeah.

M: I said purely – we do acknowledge that positive psychology was around at that time but really was in its infancy. And secondly, like no one talked about mental health.

P: Yes.

M: It was like death and taxes – not death and taxes, wrong thing.

P: Laugh.

M: Health and money. You never talk about it. Very English.

P: Not a conversation one brings up in polite society.

M: Mmm hmm, and nowadays it is on the front page.

P: Mmm.

M: Self-care is on the front page of every woman’s magazine. Men have magazines dedicated to mental health. You guys are lagging a little bit behind us women, we cottoned on a bit earlier, you know.

P: Yeah, you’re so much more emotional. Laugh!

M: Not only that but more in touch with our emotions. I would argue that men are just as emotional because anger is a very, very strong emotion.

P: You don’t, you don’t have to justify that. That was completely tongue in cheek. Let me qualify for our listeners, laugh. Uh, there’s this wonderful programme that I’ve been watching about Australian politics and the role of the female in Australian politics.

M: Yep.

P: And there’s this, there’s this whole point that they make about, that’s a line that is levelled at women when they are getting aggressive and they’re getting passionate. It’s like ‘Oh, stop being so emotional.’ I’m like what the?

M: Mmm hmm.

P: No, I’m not being emotional. I’m being direct. I’m being assertive.

M: Passionate.

P: Yes, exactly. And I’m all for the passion and displaying passion.

M: Oh, we know you’re all for passion.

P: [Fake offended voice] What are you saying? How dare you suggest such a thing.

M: Can’t tell you what I’m saying, it’s a PG show.  

P & M: Laughter.

M: Anyway, back to a psychologically rich life.

P: Yes, sorry. We digress.

M: Laugh, we digress. We tend to do that a lot.

P & M: Laughter.

M: So, this idea is very much driven by University of Virginia psychologist Shigehiro Oishi.

P: Well done.

M: Who defines happiness and well-being as a psychologically rich life. So, we talk about happiness and what is happiness, and Shigehiro, says happiness is about living a psychologically rich life, and that is a life that is characteristic by:

  • Variety,
  • Depth, and
  • Interest.

P: Mmm.

M: So, it’s about not being bored and about having novel experiences.

P: I like the use of the word novel because… it’s not about just the pleasant, fluffy stuff on top. It’s about everything. It’s having the lovely, beautiful, indulgent moments. But it’s also about some hard nuts of reflection.

M: Novel for me means things like chasing new experiences all the time and the one thing that makes me think, ‘Oh, I don’t know if I’m quite on board with this’ is what does that mean for monogamy?

P: Wow. Okay!

M: Laugh, we’re going there.

P: I’m strapping myself in, laugh.

M: And I think there’s some great feminist literature, and I’ll have to find the books and put it in the show notes. [see above]

M: Some great books out there that talk about monogamy in the 21st century and how there’s a pull between wanting novel, we search for novel things in life. We get bored quite easily as humans.

P: Yep.

M: Especially, you know, one year, two years, five, ten, twenty, thirty years in.

P: Yep.

M: You know, if you’ve been with someone, there’s not much you don’t know about them after about three years, you know, once that honeymoon period is over, right?

P: Sure.

M: And the reason we have that honeymoon period is because we’re finding out new things, right?

P: Mmm, mmm.

M: However, love relies on that depth of connection over time, the real deep love. So, if you always end your relationships when those honeymoon periods end then you’ll never get that true depth of connection.

P: Okay, I like the way you’re describing this. This is. Yeah, I’m with you.

M: So, I think for monogamy, you’re giving up on that novel-ness with that one person you spend the rest of your life with.

P: Mmm.

M: That’s what you’re agreeing to not have.

P: Hmm.

M: Open relationships, kind of is a new thing that a lot of, not only LGBTQ people are considering nowadays, but straight couples are now, you know, opening the doors to that.

P: Yep.

M: But I think novel experiences in the rest of your life, absolutely agree. That, to me, is psychological richness.

P: I agree. And they’re not always pleasant experiences either. It’s, it’s not always the, the fun and exciting stuff. Sometimes it’s the unpleasant, and it’s the difficult investigation that needs to actually come out.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And I’ve got an article that I’ve referenced here from someone who also references Oishi. Which is by Scott Barry Kaufman. Interestingly enough, Laura mentioned Scott in her email to us.

M: Yep.

P: Laugh.

M: Small world, laugh.

P: Yeah, yeah, it was always meant to happen, laugh. But yes, Kaufman talks about the psychologically rich life as being:

  • Deep Emotions,
  • Diverse,
  • Novel – as you said,
  • Surprising, and
  • Interesting Experiences.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Sometimes the experiences are pleasant. Sometimes they are meaningful, and sometimes they are neither pleasant nor meaningful.

M: I… Oh. So, when we went to India, that was transformative for me.

P: Yes.

M: It was the most run down, impoverished society I’d ever been in and trust me, I’ve been in. I’d lived, actually overseas, in a house that had no windows and no running water, so you know, I’d seen poverty. But the things I saw in India have stuck with me. I can still smell, smells of India.

P: Yeah, wow.

M: And I can still in a real tangible way, remember a lot of just horrible, horrible things. But I also still remember the, the polar opposite, the beautiful, beautiful countryside and the riches of that country. You know, the juxtaposition is just amazing. And for me, of all the countries that I’ve visited, that’s the one that stands out because it was it was novel the whole way through.

P: Mmm.

M: But some of it was not nice, laugh.

P: No.

M: No, laugh.

P: Yeah, but it’s still beneficial. It gives you an experience, it gives you a relative understanding, and this feeds into reframing, which we’ve talked about before. It’s a perspective. So, coming back to my original quote, a miserable being must find a more miserable being. It’s about understanding that there is always something that could be worse. And when you have that breadth of perspective than the fact that you can’t get a choc soy latte with no foam, it’s a little bit relative, laugh.

M: It does give you that relativity, right? It’s the juxtaposition of how horrible life was at some point that it helps you appreciate how good life actually is a lot of the time.

P: And that can turn things around. I find myself doing this a lot. Yeah, I’m an emotional, demonstrative person and –

M: – No?

P: Laugh! Don’t agree too quickly, Marie.

M & P: Laugh.

P: The point is, when you’re in the depths of despair and like, ‘Oh, my God, life is so hard’ all it takes is that relative understanding and going, ‘Oh, but I’ve got this. I’ve got that’ and it’s what you we’re saying, ‘I have a job, I have a house.’

M: Mmm hmm.

P: That’s enough and if I just focus on those things then maybe I could turn this around.

M: But it’s not turning it around, because you’re allowed your tantrum, you’re allowed to feel crappy.

P: Absolutely.

M: You know, things go wrong.

P: Who doesn’t love to put on their Princess tiara and go for it!

M: Me!

P: Laugh!  

M: Well, actually, Pete, you found me today with my vodka and my chocolate.

P: Laugh!

M: I’m having one of those days where I’ve allowed myself chocolate bickies. Dairy free of course.

P: You’re going to pay for that. You know you’re going to pay for that, the next 24 hours, laugh.

M: No, no, no, they’re dairy free, gluten free. …You know, people don’t need to know my eating [intolerances].

P: Laugh!

M: Anyway. Um, but you found me today with the chocolate biscuits and the vodka, laugh.

P: Oh, dear.

M: Right? Laugh. It was one of those days where I needed to. And we talked about different types of care and rest. This was a rest from having to be healthy and look after myself and do the right thing all the time.

P: Love it.

M: Look after myself.

P: I’ve had a day like that. As I said, I said to Marie this morning, I sat down this morning, I’ve got a week off of lectures this week, I was gonna do four hours of study. I lasted 45 minutes and then I went and played in the garden, laugh.

M: Perfect.

P: Yay.

M: I think that’s part of self-care and forgiving the fact that you didn’t do four hours of study and you only did 45 [min]. That will come back, you can’t avoid things forever, right?

P: No, it’s not about avoiding. No, very true, and you pick it back up again. But it is important to give yourself that slack. When you’re having those days, It’s okay, and that’s a novel experience.

M: Gardening instead of studying?

P: Sure.

M: There’s nothing novel about that for you, Pete.

P: Laugh. Come on, I was reaching, laugh.

M: All right, so let’s help people understand how they can have a psychologically rich life, according to Shigehiro.

P: Mmm.

M: So, the way that him and his team measure a person’s level of psychological richness or propensity towards novel experiences is by asking a whole lot of statements. So, what we’re going to do, Pete, is I’m going to read these statements out.

P: Ooh, fun! Audience participation!

M: Did you say the F word? You dropped the F bomb then.

P: No, I said audience participation and I shimmied my shoulders.

M: Oh, I’ve got no idea what I heard there…

P: Laugh!

M: Anyway, we are going to answer on a scale from one which means strongly disagree to seven which means strongly agree.

P: Okay. All right, I’m ready. I’m strapped in, laugh.

M: Okay. And what you do with your final score is up to you. So, this is just a bit of self-exploration for a Monday morning, which is when we launch or whenever you’re listening to this.

P: It’s Monday already! Oh, my Lord!

M: Laugh. [Quietly speaking] We release our episodes on Monday morning Pete, laugh.

P: I knew that, laugh.

M: You rock up every week and you’re like I don’t know what happens after this.

P: Laugh!

M: Somehow, stuff gets published, laugh.

P & M: Laugh.

P: La, la, la, la I’m fabulous.

P & M: Laughter!

M: Alright, let’s get through. So, I’ve picked eight statements for us to go through before we run out of time. So, the first one on a scale of 1 to 7. Do you strongly disagree [1] or strongly agree [7]?

I have had a lot of novel experiences.

P: I’m going to go a big old seven. I feel like I’ve… If I died tomorrow, I’d be really happy with the life that I’ve had thus far. I’ve had some amazing highs and big lows. I’ve had lots of different stuff going on. I’ve had lots of novel experiences and so, yeah, I’d be really happy with saying seven on that. I feel very lucky to have had the opportunity to live the life that I’ve lived.

M: Aww, that warms my heart.

P: Well, you’re a big part of that Marie. Big love.

M: Oh, even better. All right, number two,

My life has been full of unique, unusual experiences.

P: Mmm. I’d probably say another strong, a strong seven. Um, unique? definitely. It’s always relative when you talk to people.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And I can say, ‘Oh, I’ve done this, this and this and people go, ‘Oh, my goodness. You’ve lived a really full life.’

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And you go, ‘Oh, have I? It’s just It’s just what I’ve done.’

M: Ha, ha, ha. Yep!

P: Doesn’t everybody do this?

M: I been stumbling through and that’s where my life took me so I went.

P: Yes, I was kicked out of France and held in a holding cell with French policemen. And that was fine.

M: Laugh. They were cute, so it was okay.

P: They were fabulous, all they wanted to talk about was rugby.

M: Ha, lovely. And they probably would have been nice, I’m sure because they won the world cup.

P: Yeah.

M: That was a while ago.

P: Yeah, yeah. Laugh.

M: Okay. Moving onto number three.

My life consists of rich, intense moments.

P: 6 to 7. Rich and intense. That’s an interesting use of phrases I would say intense, definitely. I think I almost encourage intense experiences. And that comes from having…

M: Do you?

P: Sorry?

M: Mmm, no. Keep going.

P: I’d say.

M: No, you finished.

P: Intense experiences. I would say that I’m the person that runs headlong into a storm.

M: Mmm.

P: I’m like, ‘All right, if it’s coming at me, I’m not going to run away from it, I’m gonna go ‘Right, come at me, here we go.’

M: I hate conflict, but in general yes.

P: Yeah.

M: I feel like my life is kind of like a bell curve. It’s either I’m hiding away and writing for hours on end with no like –

P: Yes.

M: Everyone leave me alone and I want to read a book. And I want to lead the most grandma-ish of lives. I just need to pick up knitting and I’ll be right.

P: Laugh. I can’t see you knitting.

M: It takes too much patience for knitting. And then on the other side, it is I don’t know the word no, I’m all in and I’m in 150 million bajillion percent, laugh!

P: Yeah, yep.

M: There is no in between for me.

P: That’s richness.

M: Yeah.

P: You’re probably a rich thrill seeker.

M: Absolutely. Yeah.

P: Yeah.

M: Give me a theme park.

P: Yep, you’re in for the ride.

M: Yeah.

P: Laugh.

M: All right, number four.

I experience a full range of emotions via firsthand experiences such as travel and attending concerts.

P: Big old yes. Hard yes.

M: That’s a yes for me too. Well, pre covid.

P: Obviously. But even, even within covid, there’s, there’s I think that yeah, there are.

M: You compromise.

P: There are ways of accessing, you go seeking it. You go looking for it.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: It’s like I need I need that rush. I need I need something exciting so, whether it will be, you know, having a naked bath on the front of the balcony where everyone can see you or something like that, I don’t know. I’m thinking of a friend of ours.

M: [Whispers] Remember we’re PG?

P: I know, but it’s so much fun!

M: Ok, moving on.

P: I love you, Felix. Laugh!

M: I have a lot of personal stories to tell others.

M: See, I don’t think I’m the best storyteller, but I do have a lot of stories, I’d say.

P: I’m mid-range on this one. Yeah, yeah, that’s a hard one because that’s again that’s being vulnerable.

M: And open and you don’t generally tend to go ‘blah, here’s my everything.’ Like it’s taken me a while to get to know you and hear your stories, but I would say you do have a lot of them.

P: Interesting. Okay, I would never make that judgement. I would let my friends make that judgement to be honest.

M: I’ve never had troubles with you, not talking. Laugh.

P: That’s because it’s you Muz. Laugh. Well, yeah, well, me and shy don’t necessarily go together.

M: Laugh, mmm.

P: Although I can be. I do say to people sometimes I’m naturally very shy, really, I am.

M: [Snort] Laugh.

P: Laugh!

M: All right. Let’s get through these last two so our lovely listeners can go off on their days. Okay, they get a bit morbid here.

P: Oh, my Lord!

M: On my deathbed, I’m likely to say, “I had an interesting life.”

P: I think I’ve already answered that one. I answered that one in question one.

M: Yeah, you did.

P: Moving on.

M: And the last one is,

On my deathbed, I am likely to say, “I have seen and learned a lot.”

P: Hard yes.

M: For me, yes. But I do want to say that I hit a period in my life and career after studying, going overseas and, you know, um, playing volleyball around the world and all of that where I hit my career and I settled. And I, for some reason, thought that was when, you know, like, things should calm down and you have your four weeks of holiday and a lot of people get into that trap.

P: Mmm.

M: You know, I was climbing the corporate ladder, saving to buy a house. That kind of stuff and life didn’t… wasn’t psychologically rich. I kind of stopped doing a lot of that stuff for a while, and I burned out. I was too focused on work.

P: That’s a really interesting point to kind of bring to a conclusion with the episode is that if you feel like you’re not having a psychologically rich life, is that a point to turn around and go, ‘Maybe something’s not right here? Or maybe, maybe I need to reframe. Maybe I need to relook at this?’

M: Or make some plans. That’s, I mean that’s really all this comes down to.

P: Mmm.

M: What unique, intense, novel experiences that are interesting or can teach you things or show you new things can you put into your next month and your next year that you can look forward to and plan for?

P: I think that’s our weekly challenge to our listeners.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: We want rich, intense, novel… What was the fourth one?

M: Laugh, it doesn’t need to be all of them. One is fine.

P: Oh, come on!

M: Me and my eternal optimism just booked a cruise next year in Europe.

P: Oh! Wow! You’re brave.

M: We will see if I actually get to do that.

P: I just want to go to the mountains! Laugh.

M: But I’m all in!

P: So, that’s our homework people. To find something that can bring psychological richness into your month. It doesn’t have to be huge, remember that it can be something small, but I think I think that’s a really good focus for a monthly task to find something psychologically stimulating and rich, novel, intense.

M: Yep.

P: Open arms into the tidal wave, here we go.

M: And on that note, we’ll see you next week.

P: Have a happy week.

[Happy exit music – background] 

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic. 

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out. 

M: Until next time. 

M & P: Choose happiness.  

[Exit music fadeout] 

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks! 

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: Experiences, happiness, NovelLife, positivity, RichLife

Toxic Positivity (E56)

01/03/2021 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week Marie and Pete discuss Toxic Positivity, what the latest research shows, and how you can retrain your brain for happiness. 

Show notes

During the Podcast, Marie mentions research conducted in regard to toxic happiness expectations in the workplace: The Research We’ve Ignored About Happiness at Work by André Spicer and Carl Cederström. Published in Harvard Business Review.

Towards the end of the podcast Pete talks about two different ballet terms: Penché is a classical ballet term meaning “leaning.” Pirouette is a classical ballet term meaning “spin.”

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: So today we’re talking about [sweet voice] toxic positivity.

P: Laugh. I love it that you say it that way.

M: Laugh.

P: This is actually for all of the cynics, you know, in our listeners. It’s for the people that are like ‘Oh my God, it’s so hard to be happy!’

M: Or the people who don’t love Clueless.

P: I missed that reference. It’s another movie I haven’t seen.

M: Oh my goodness!

P: I know, I know.

M: Or Legally blonde?

P: Oh, laugh. Bend and snap, hello?

M: Uh huh! Exactly.

P: Laugh!

M: I’m going to channel my inner Legally blonde and not be cynical for once I think on this one.

P: You should be on this one because this is a cynical perspective.

M: Laugh.

P: So do you feel the pressure to be positive?

M: Oh, absolutely. No one wants to hear your shit.

P: Laugh.

M: They don’t, people are so busy and dealing with so much of their own stuff that I feel that you have, If you’re lucky, one or two people that you can actually honestly really say ‘no, I’m not doing well today’ to.

P: Mmm.

M: And not feel the need to just say ‘yeah, I’m fine’ or ‘yeah, I’m good’, that kind of thing in general.

P: The other flip side of that, is that there’s a pressure on people [exuberant voice] ‘to be bouncy, and to be open, and to be fabulous!’ and that’s just really hard work. So for some people who are out there, that approach of being the positive person, doing the cue cards, doing the positive affirmations in the mirror every morning and Jigging yourself up and going ‘Yeah, bam, bam, bam, I’m ready to go.’ Some people just don’t do that and it doesn’t work.

M: Well it does. If you do it right.

P: Mmm.

M: And it is not. It is not the be all and end all.

P: No.

M: And there was so much work that goes on behind it. So, I think where a lot of people are going wrong with positive affirmations and positivity is that they think that’s all you need to do to be happy, –

P: Definitely not.

M: – and it’s definitely.

P: [Singing voice] The science says no, laugh. So if we’re going to talk science, we’re going to talk about a study done in 2010, by Senay, Albarracín & Noguchi from the University of Illinois and South Misspissisi.

M: Misspissisi? Mississippi, [spelling] Miss-iss-ipp-i.

P: Laugh, Mississippi sorry. This talks about what needs to go on behind that positive psychology.

M: Yes.

P: And the cue cards and the positive affirmations, that is what they call a blanket approach. And for some of us that works, for some of us who are in reasonably good mental health, that approach works because you’re jigging yourself up and you’re reinforcing to yourself ‘I’m a good person; I am going to be this person today; I’m going to be a good money saver today.’

But for some of us, that doesn’t work because it isn’t coming from an authentic place and if positive affirmations are just reinforced by externalisation; So cue cards, doing, chanting or doing the mirror exercise. It’s not coming from a place of dedicated and deep-seated security, and therefore that actually creates more mental health issues than it solves.

M: So, I absolutely agree, because I’m playing the positive card here.

P & M: Laugh.

M: But I do, however, think that there is a whole school of thought proven scientifically researched about scanning your environment for positive things. And while I agree that you can’t lie to yourself.

P: Mmm.

M: You can’t say I’m a supermodel, I’m a supermodel, I’m a supermodel in the mirror every morning and deep down, know that you’re not and expect for you to live in this happy rose coloured glasses world.

P: Yep, no.

M: You can’t do that. However, we are programmed to look for the negative and to make sure that we notice the lion who might eat us over the pretty rainbow.

P: Yep.

M: And so, by focusing on looking out for the good things, we can recondition our minds to notice good things more. So gratitude journals, positive affirmations, all of those other things that help you to balance out what is a negative bias in our brains anyway can make you happier because you notice what you have. You become more grateful for what you do have. But again, I 100% agree with what you and then this res[earch], these researchers are saying, you can’t lie to yourself.

P: No, and I think that’s the essential argument. I agree with you wholeheartedly about what you’re saying in terms of the use of positive psychology tools and they do work. We know that they do work. We’ve talked about that at length.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: I guess what they’re talking about here is more specifically about using the concept of toxic positivity is the positivity peer pressure.

M: Yep.

P: You need to be doing this stuff to make yourself happy. But if you’re one of those people that were those positive affirmations doesn’t come from a true place. You’re actually going to do the reverse. You’re going to send yourself into a downward spiral, and it’s not gonna work.

M: Well, we had an episode a few months back on authenticity and it’s the disconnect that causes the problem right?

P: Yeah, exactly.

M: We’re seeing a lot of people in the LGBTIQ community have that disconnect, particularly as teenagers before they’ve come out.

P: Mmm.

M: And that is what causes so much pain and heartbreak and mental health issues as well, along with it.

P: Yep.

M: So absolutely, I agree with you there. The other thing that I find to be a cause of a lot of this not working is that the positive psychology movement, it’s a movement, and over the last 30 years, people have really embraced a lot of these concepts without having done masters and PhDs and full study into it and so –

P: I’m putting my hand up.

M: Laugh!

P: I’m a total embracer, I jumped in.

M: Yeah, And so what that means is for people who haven’t looked into it deeply; It’s a slogan on a T shirt or a banner on a website or a catchphrase from a celebrity and without understanding what’s behind it, it leads to the wrong behaviours.

P: Absolutely, you have to do the work.

M: And I think that is to blame.

P: You have to do the work people, we keep saying this, laugh.

M: But you’ve got to understand what the work is behind it. And so, I think we’ve got a whole lot of people who are putting a smile on their face without understanding why and who are trying to be bubbly because they want to be happy, but without putting in all the work behind that.

P: And they’re the people that we’re speaking to here, I mean, these are people that are risk of that positive peer pressure.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: It’s like ‘I have to be happy, I have to be happy, I have to put a smile on my face and just get on with life when really inside I’m dying.’

M: Yep.

P: And for those people it needs, you need to do a little bit more work. You need to do more investigation and what these researchers have come up with is that you need to be not in an inner war with your subconscious. If you’re doing the positivity and doing the exercises without understanding the real meaning behind it, what you’re training your mind to do, which is exactly what you’ve just clocked Marie, is your searching for the examples of all the times that you haven’t been bubbly.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: You haven’t been the supermodel, you haven’t been the athletics sports star.

M: You didn’t get the promotion.

P: You start training that negativity coming in.

M: You didn’t get a seat on the bus, all that stuff.

P: So how to get past that is to acknowledge and identify which thoughts are limiting and which ones are empowering and how to actually do that work to go back and find the reasons behind what is the incongruent factor, if you’re saying ‘I want to be a good money saver’ and you just keep spending money all the time, it’s understanding the reasons behind that.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So with that idea in mind, it’s about going back and seeing what is the reason behind [the behaviour]. And what the researchers say here is ‘ask a better question.’

M: It all comes down to self-awareness, you’ve got to do the work to begin with.

P: It does.

M: Don’t you?

P: Yeah.

M: That’s again why journaling is so powerful. Because sometimes you just haven’t thought to think about stuff.

P: Mmm. You haven’t stopped, quieted the mind. And you’re not allowing those thoughts to drop in and go ‘hang on, what are you? You little red devil on my shoulder? Where’s the little white one? I want the white one.’

M: Mmm hmm. ‘Why do I always say yes to my boss when he asks me to work late? But other people go home on time, why do I do that?’ And then why do I end up burned out? You know, there’s plenty and plenty of examples for people for behaviour that they may not have reflected on.

P: Yeah, and a lot of it comes under self-limiting beliefs.

M: Yes.

P: So that’s where you come back to doing some belief, work and journaling and coordinating. That is a really good way of doing that work that we keep talking about. For those who haven’t done that, it is about self-beliefs being true for yourself.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And finding the ability to achieve or to look at the thoughts that air perhaps blocks to you, achieving that goal or that desire, or that positive affirmation that you want to achieve.

M: Yep and I think once you’ve done the work to understand yourself …, and just because you understand something doesn’t mean it’s easy to fix.

P: Yeah.

M: Or going to, laugh.

P: Laugh.

M: But once you’ve done that, it all boils down to habits. And there’s a great book out at the moment called Atomic Habits, which really helps to break down how you can make these positive psychology interventions or happiness habits stick in your life because it is something that humans are really bad at doing.

P: Oh, interesting.

M: We’re really bad at starting exercise programs, diets, everything that you might want to do. If you don’t make it a habit and you don’t know how to make it a habit in your life, you’re likely to fail at it.

P: Absolutely, yeah. And the first, is it seven days or seven tries of it you have to get through to make it a habit?

M: A lot of the time, yes, but also just make it really easy. So you’re almost tripping yourself over it. Yeah, make it part of a routine and reward yourself at the end so you can’t have breakfast until you’ve done 10 sit ups. Super simple.

P: Yep.

M: Wake up in the morning you can’t have your coffee until you’ve done 10 sit ups. And a year later, you’re going to find that you’re doing 30 sit ups every morning and you’ve got abs, you know, like whatever it is.

P: That was my approach with yoga, actually, because I had a period where I didn’t do yoga. When I first came back to Sydney after London and I was finished dancing so I was like ‘Ha ha! I don’t need to do yoga anymore, I’m going to sleep in.

M: Laugh.

P: And then I was like I’m gonna jump back on the bandwagon and you know, this is tough, six am yoga, oof. And so I decided not to do a full practise. I was like I’ll just to 10 minutes.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And sure enough, after about two weeks of doing 10 minutes that turned into 20 which turned into 30 and then you’re back on the horse.

M: Yep. And if you can trick your mind into getting the reward of your morning coffee or your breakfast or whatever it is that you can look forward to, just going to the gym isn’t motivation enough for most of us. It’s something you know you should do for a lot of us. Actually, I’m going to say most, there’s definitely gym junkies, and there’s people who love their exercise. But there’s a large proportion of the population who do exercise because they should.

P: Yeah true.

M: Or who just don’t exercise.

P: Yeah, I’ll give you that.

M: Right? And so finding ways to integrate it into your life in ways that aren’t going to scare you off.

P: Mmm.

M: That a quick and easy and that you get something at the end, which you enjoy. For instance, walking on the treadmill for 20 minutes and listen to your favourite podcast.

P & M: Laughter!

P: I’ve got this image of all these people on treadmills listening to the Happiness for Cynics podcast all laughing at precisely the same time.

M: Laugh.

P: That would be fun.

M: I love it. You know reward yourself with a TV show after you’ve done whatever it is you’re trying to do.

P: Oh yeah, I agree. One thing I do want to clock, or circle back to is that ability of the question asking. So, when we have these thoughts that pop into our heads of like ‘Oh, am I eating the cookie, don’t eat the cookie!’ That’s not the best way to approach. So, if you’re trying to not eat the cookie, it’s not the statement of the self-limiting belief of ‘don’t eat the cookie. Do not, do not, do not!’ Ask the question better. Why do you want the cookie?

M: Just eat the cookie!

P: Laugh!

M: And wash it down with a martini.

P: Laugh, yeah, yeah.

M: Laugh.

P: I’m bringing it back, laugh.

M: Darn it, we’re meant to be encouraging self-control aren’t we?

P: So going back to the question, why are we eating the cookie?

M: Because it tastes so good.

P: Yeah, well that’s part of it but why does it taste so good?

M: Sugar!

P: And why do you want sugar?

M: Because sugar tastes so good.

P: Aahh.

M: This is a very circular argument.

P: But there’s a better answer there. This is the exercise. Keep asking the question until you come up with the right answer.

M: Why, why, why?

P: That’s a path to actually doing the work that we keep talking about, which can highlight some of those self-limiting beliefs and then expose you to being able to look in the mirror and go, ‘today, I’m not going to eat the cookie’, and you believe it because you know what’s behind the… You know what the reasoning behind it is.

M: Okay…

P: Laugh.

M: I like cookies though.

P: Well, you’re allowed to have cookies, it’s okay. Laugh.

M: So, toxic positivity. I think the other part of this that we touched on briefly at the beginning is our fear that others just don’t want to hear about our problems.

P: Mmm.

M: And so we have to be positive, and I think that’s a real shame. And it’s something that society is slowly opening up to and changing. So, Brené Brown does a lot of talking about vulnerability and the power of vulnerability. And there’s been a big, shift in corporate leadership communications about being honest and authentic and being a bit vulnerable, and how that bonds people and the value of that, because we all see through corporate BS.

P: Yep.

M: Right, we know when the leader hasn’t written their email, the coms team wrote it for them.

P: He he.

M: We know when the speech writer wrote this speech for the prime minister or president or whoever, and they haven’t even looked at the notes, they’re just reading it off [the screen]. We know when it’s not them right, and so that creates a barrier between people, when there is that in-authenticity.

P: Definitely.

M: And by not ever sharing that we’re feeling down or low or just not great today, that’s creating that distance between people. By never being vulnerable with your co-workers and just saying ‘I had a shit night, like I didn’t sleep well, the kids were up all night.’

P: Yep.

M: Or, you know, ‘I get migraines and I had a migraine yesterday, and I just feel like crap today.’

P: Yep.

M: Without sharing those things or you know, bigger things that can be really hard without sharing those things, we’re creating weak teams at work and loose bonds with the people that we see day in, day out, and that’s a real shame.

P: It’s that ability to not feel the pressure to be 100% happy 100% of the time.

M: Absolutely.

P: And that isn’t sustainable. As much as being 100% negative all the time is not sustainable. Neither is being 100% happy. You’ve gotta have those ebbs and flows. You’ve gotta have those ups and downs. Some of us express those a little bit more emotionally than others.

M: Laugh. A little bit more openly than others.

P: Laugh. But that’s okay. And as you said, you can choose your people. You can choose you one or two people to go, ‘you know what? The cat died last night and I’m feeling crap.’

M: Yep.

P: So just leave me in my corner for today, I’ll bounce back tomorrow.

M: Or ‘I need a day.’

P: Yep.

M: ‘I need to cancel my meetings – or my clients or whatever it is – I just can’t cope with today.’

P: Yep.

M: And I think we need to be able to say that openly and have trust that we’ll get support if we say that to our colleagues and bosses.

P: That’s very true, yeah. And that comes from the leadership as well.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And having permission.

M: And it comes from leaders who say to their teams ‘I’m taking the day and role modelling that as well.

P: Yeah. So the other thing that I think we need to talk about is the inner saboteur.

M: Ooh.

P: Your inner voice, laugh.

M: Oh, I hate my inner saboteur!

P: Laugh!

M: Fred.

P: Fred? You have a name? Ooh I like it.

M: Did you ever watch Drop Dead Fred.

P: No.

M: Oh…

P: Laugh.

M: You should.

P: Ok, laugh. Am I going to understand you better?

M: Fred was the invisible friend, laugh.

P: Oh, righto. So you’re “Fred” can be your worst enemy in terms of that toxic positivity, because he could be the one that’s actually pressuring you, to be happy all the time.

M: Mmm.

P: Put it out there, just take it off and come out and be Taylor Swift, laugh.

M: And I think there is always pressure to move on, to get through it, to suck it up.

P: Yep.

M: You know. Put your big girl panties on as well.

P: And that’s the inner voice coming out as well. That’s our self-judgement coming out and sometimes we need to let go of that and recognise when it’s… when we’re creating our own drama, when we’re creating, if you’re that creative mind or that imaginative state that could be a really negative space because you create issues and you create scenarios that have never occurred, and you start believing them. Your body starts registering them and your brain, starts making cases for them, and that could be really dangerous space to be.

So if you find yourself getting a little bit too self-judgmental, you need to shake yourself out of that habit on often that come down to physicality or going and just being distracted. We’ve talked about awe before, going for a bush walk and things like that or being in front the ocean. Take yourself out of the space where that inner saboteur has the power and try to enjoy the moment as it were, or enjoy a moment.

M: We also talked about being kind to others, but I don’t think we talk enough in our society without being kind to yourself. And compassionate with yourself.

P: And that is what the positive psychology movement is all about, isn’t it?

M: Yep.

P: There’s a lot of that research out there that says that that’s a good and beneficial thing to do.

M: And if you need to cry or you need to be in a shitty mood for an hour, a day, or a week or a year, because something that bad has happened, then you need to take the time and forgive yourself for needing the time.

P: Yep.

M: You don’t actually even need to forgive yourself. You just need to know that it’s okay to take however much time you need to move through the stages of grief or sadness or anger, or whatever it is that you need to do.

P: Definitely.

M: There’s one last study that I did want to mention, and it’s only just popped into my mind, so I’ll have to dig it out and pop it in the show notes later.

P & M: Laugh.

M: But there’s been some research done recently and, particularly in America, the push for service people to always provide service with a smile and the impact that that has on their lives outside of work.

P: Oh, yes! Oh, I like this one.

M: And pretty much if you expect your employees, for the eight hours a day that they come in and work at Walmart or Kmart or Target or wherever it is, to put a smile on their face for every single customer that work walks in the door and when they’re interacting with other workers in the store, then you are draining their emotional capital.

P: Absolutely.

M: Draining it.

P: Oh yeah.

M: And those people struggle to enjoy their lives outside of work. It actually makes them sadder.

P: Yep.

M: It impacts their mental health.

P: Oh I so believe in that that.

M: Yep.

P: And it comes out across as fake. I mean, you just come out of that experience going, ‘What was that? That was weird.’

M: Mmm hmm.

P: This poor person is probably having a terrible day. And yet they’ve got to go ‘thanks for shopping at Wal Mart’. I think that’s where it might be a little bit different culturally, Marie. You might have a better perspective on this Marie of Australia versus America. Do we have more permission to be less cheerful in Australia?

M: I think we have permission to be a bit more authentic. So we open with a smile. But it’s not over the top happy.

P: Yeah, right.

M: Yeah, either way, forcing employees for eight hours a day to be happy rather than neutral, in some instances, which is what most people tend to be. A lot of the time has negative impacts, so there’s definitely, I’m absolutely sure that there will be more research into that and looking at whether or not it’s even cruel and unusual punishment to expect people to do it, you know.

P: Definitely, oh gosh yeah. But there are ways around that. There are creative ways around that. It’s up to, again, team leaders and people in those responsible positions to shake it up and make the workplace little bit fun. I mean, one of my, one of my things I love to do at my workplace is I like pulling out a pirouette of a penché as you walk past someone in the corridor and Elisa, if you’re listening, we’ve done it before. We’ll be walking past each other in the clinic, and I’ll just grab her and twirl her and it just adds that little buoyancy hit for the day, and she’s probably going in and working with someone who’s really going through an emotional thing.

M: Mmm.

P: There’s a lot of stuff going on, every now and then everybody needs a lift.

M: Yep.

P: And if you can be that person, I encourage you. Do something crazy. Do something unexpected. Make everybody smile.

M: Have a little bit of fun or playfulness.

P: Oh, it’s so important. And if that makes you feel stupid in front of someone else, I say do it!

M: All right. On that note, we’ll wrap it up.

P: Do your penché’s people.

M & P: Laugh.

P: If you don’t know what that is, I’ll put it in the show notes. Laugh.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

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Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: Gratefulness, mindful, positivity, ToxicPositivity

Top 12 positive psychology articles of 2019

15/12/2019 by Marie

Even though the field of positive psychology is relatively new, there is so much good content out there and new research to learn from and apply.

Here’s a look at the must-read articles from 2019, covering topics such as resiliency, burnout, happiness, gratitude, meaning, positivity and vulnerability. Enjoy!

1. Five Ways for Workplaces to Support Employee Happiness (Greater Good Science Centre)

From fostering purposeful work to encouraging authenticity in the workplace, the 6th World Congress of the International Positive Psychology Association offered research and practical tips on the keys to well-being at work. These are the key takeaways.

2. How a Little Humor Can Improve Your Work Life (Greater Good Science Centre)

Laughter and jokes can make us happier and more productive on the job. The funny stories they shared remind us that a little playfulness goes a long way toward a more enjoyable work life.

3. Resilience Is About How You Recharge, Not How You Endure (Harvard Business School)

We believe that the longer we tough it out, the tougher we are, and therefore the more successful we will be. However, this entire conception is scientifically inaccurate.

4. Ten Daily Habits That Can Actually Change Your Life (Forbes)

Your attitude determines your altitude. So, don’t let old habits hold you back.

5. What causes us to burnout at work? (World Economic Forum)

Positive stress and adrenaline in the right circumstances can make us stronger, happier and healthier. Yet, in certain work environments, chronic stress provokes anxiety, detachment and fatigue that can lead to burnout.

6. The Unexpected Benefits of Pursuing a Passion Outside of Work (Harvard Business School)

While pursuing passion at work is known to increase work engagement and job performance, it’s both unrealistic and risky to rely on work as the only means through which to do so

7. The Business Impact of Gratitude (Forbes)

While many of us tend to view and express gratitude in relation to our personal lives, gratitude in the workplace is especially critical because it satisfies the higher psychological need to feel a sense of belonging to something greater than ourselves–to feel a sense of meaning at work.

8. Three habits of positive people (Moving On)

You can train your brain to be more positive and happier! Here’s the science backed way to do it.

9. I Tried the Morning Routines of Oprah, Tom Brady, Melinda Gates and Chrissy Teigen (Thrive)

However you spend it — a solid morning routine has the power to ease our stress and help us feel focused and composed throughout the day.

10. Three ways to bring joy back into your life (Moving On)

At a certain point in our lives, it becomes easy to get stuck in a rut. Somewhere along the way, we run out of novel experiences and daily inspiration. So, why not do something about it, here’s a bit of inspiration to get you going.

11. Five of the best sporting activities for a healthy mind (RedBull)

Medical experts and amateur athletes share their thoughts and experiences on the best activities to strengthen your mental fitness.

12. What’s Your Purpose? Finding A Sense Of Meaning In Life Is Linked To Health (MindShift)

Having a purpose in life may decrease your risk of dying early. People who didn’t have a strong life purpose — which was defined as “a self-organizing life aim that stimulates goals” — were more likely to die than those who did, and specifically more likely to die of cardiovascular diseases.

Have you read anything this year that’s worth sharing, if so please let us know in the comments below!

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: burnout, daily habits, exercise, gratitude, habits, happiness, meaning, passion, positivity, purpose, resilience, resiliency

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