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Top Positive Psychology Research in 2021

13/01/2022 by Marie

The Positive Psychology world suffered two great losses this year, first with Edward Diener who passed away in April and then Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in October. Diener, otherwise known as Dr. Happiness, was recognized as a leader in measuring what he called “subjective well-being.” Csikszentmihalyi was a pioneer in the Positive Psychology space and introduced the concept of flow theory in the 1970’s. These losses were great but the legacies that these two larger than life figures left behind will live on in the Positive Psychology world for years to come. 

In what was a tough year all around, there was still plenty of hope and great research into how to live a happy life, which not only helped many of us to cope with an unprecedented global crisis, but also learn more about ourselves and what’s truly important in life.  

What we Have Learnt from the Pandemic 

COVID-19’s Impact on Mental Health Hasn’t Been All Bad (Psychology Today). The COVID-19 pandemic has caused mental distress, but it has also strengthened people’s mental health in many ways. New research shows how the crisis has increased mental health through three main processes. 

A Once-in-a-Lifetime Chance to Start Over (The Atlantic). It’s time to prepare for a new and better normal than your pre-pandemic life. 

Stumbling into the Next Stage of Your Pandemic Life (Greater Good Magazine). A therapist explores the psychology of coming back from the big pandemic pause. 

How to Make Your Post-Pandemic Happiness Last (GQ). Human happiness is surprisingly resistant to change—even to positive shifts. So as the pandemic wanes in the U.S., is it possible to make these good feelings stay? 

The 9 Silver Linings of the COVID-19 Pandemic (Psychology Today). Researchers found that the average sentiment of participants’ responses was positive when describing the pandemic’s silver linings. The results of the study may help people better heal from this crisis and be better prepared to respond to potential future crises. 

Research Suggests Positive Forward-Thinking Safeguards Mental Health During Lockdowns (Mental Health Today). We all might feel nostalgic for a time when we weren’t confined to our homes or had rules imposed upon us in public spaces; however new research from the University of Surrey suggests that if we forget about 2020 or even our current lockdown state in 2021 and look forward to the future, our mental wellbeing will presently be more resilient. 

Plan to Find Happiness 

Frequent travel could make you 7% happier (Science Daily). People dreaming of travel post-COVID-19 now have some scientific data to support their wanderlust. A new study shows frequent travellers are happier with their lives than people who don’t travel at all. 

How Trip Planning and Happiness Are Directly Correlated (Psychology Today). Research reveals that planning future travel may boost mood and mindset. 

What Is Transformational Travel? Holidaying With A Purpose Is The New Switching Off (Bazaar). Explore how the power of trips taken with consciousness can emanate positivity, personal growth, and mental wellness for all. 

Be Curious and Learn 

Learning Boosts Happiness, New Study Suggests (Sci News). New research from University College London suggests that how we learn about the world around us can be more important for how we feel than rewards we receive directly. 

Curiosity and Happiness Go Hand in Hand (The Philadelphia Inquirer). As Einstein said: The important thing is to never stop questioning. Research suggests that consistent curiosity goes hand in hand with happiness.  

Happiness can be Learned Through Meditation, Philosophy and Training (Medical Xpress). Is it possible to learn to be happier? Well, it seems it is—at least according to a scientific study coordinated by the University of Trento and carried out in collaboration with Sapienza University of Rome, now published in Frontiers in Psychology. 

The Wonder Stuff: What I Learned About Happiness from a Month of ‘Awe Walks’ (The Guardian). Feeling down? You need to experience more awe, psychologists say. So, I set off every day to explore my local area, leaving my phone behind. 

Green is Good 

Green Space Around Primary Schools May Improve Students’ Academic Performance (The Conversation). Greenery around primary schools may improve students’ academic performance, while traffic pollution may be detrimental, our study shows.  

Spending Time Outdoors Has a Positive Effect on Our Brains (Neuroscience News). Brain structure and mood improve when people spend time outdoors. This has positive implications for concentration, memory, and overall psychological wellbeing. 

The Built Environment Impacts Our Health and Happiness More Than We Know (Arch Daily). The built environment is directly linked with happiness and well-being, and too often urban environments fail to put people at ease. 

Nature-Based Activities Can Improve Mood and Reduce Anxiety (Neuroscience News). Participating in nature-based activities including exercise, gardening, and conservation, helps improve mood and reduce anxiety for those with mental health problems. 

Birds and Bees ‘Secret Weapons’ to Raising Happiness Levels (Belfast Telegraph). Studies show that increasing people’s connection with nature boosts happiness. 

Embrace your Inner DJ 

20 Surprising, Science-Backed Health Benefits of Music (USA Today). Research suggests that music not only helps us cope with pain — it can also benefit our physical and mental health in numerous other ways. Read on to learn how listening to tunes can ramp up your health. 

The Unsung Secret to Stability and Happiness During The Pandemic (ZDNet). It’s been a hard year, but at least many people have found a reliable way to reduce stress and increase happiness. Netflix is great and exercise is important, but music, it turns out, has made a positive difference in the lives of many during an often-bleak and perpetually uncertain pandemic year. 

Coping With COVID-19 Stress Through Music (Neuroscience News). Study reports people who experienced an increase in negative emotion during lockdown listened to music to relieve feelings of depression, stress, and fear. Those with a more positive state of mind turned to music as a replacement for social interaction. 

Work for Meaning, Purpose and Happiness  

The ‘Great Realization’ has Inspired People to Seek Happiness in Their Jobs and Careers (Forbes). A study of work happiness commissioned by Indeed, the large job aggregation site, and conducted by Forrester, delved into how we feel about our jobs and careers. 

Why Work Is More Than Just a Job (Psychology Today). We have been conditioned to think of work primarily as a source of income. The truth is, our job can have a powerful effect on our psychological well-being. Acknowledging the benefits of work can help us better shape our careers. 

The Great Resignation is Here: How to Find Purpose in The Next Stage of Your Career (Forbes). By now, you’ve likely heard about the Great Resignation. Due to the pandemic, changes in work-life balance, childcare and other factors, an estimated 40% of the global workforce is considering changing jobs in 2021. Anecdotal evidence and data suggest that it has much to do with our values and feeling aligned with our purpose. 

How Self-Determination Can Boost Satisfaction at Work (Psychology Today). Self-Determination Theory provides a framework for understanding changes in work motivation. Motivation often decreases when core psychological needs have not been met. Work structures that support autonomy, competence, and relatedness can facilitate motivation and productivity. 

Get the Best Sleep 

The Organizational Cost of Insufficient Sleep (McKinsey). In an increasingly hyperconnected world, in which many companies now expect their employees to be on call and to answer emails 24/7, sleep is an important organizational topic that requires specific and urgent attention. 

Mindfulness Training Helps Kids Sleep Better (Stanford Medicine). At-risk children gained more than an hour of sleep per night after participating in a mindfulness curriculum at their elementary schools, a study from the Stanford University School of Medicine found.  

Natural Light May be Key to Improving Mood and Reducing Insomnia (Neuroscience News). More time spent outside in natural light was associated with improved mood, better sleep quality, and ease of waking. 

Laugh! 

How Laughing at Yourself Can Be Good for Your Well-Being (Psychology Today). Laughing at oneself is healthy when it is not motivated by self-demeaning drives. People who engage in excessive self-defeating humour may be trying to hide underlying emotional problems. Self-directed laughter can remind us of our humanness and promote positive interpersonal interactions. 

Laugh more, live better (McKinsey & Company). Naomi Bagdonas and Connor Diemand-Yauman, lecturers at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business, hilariously explore the power at the intersection of humour, business, and leadership. It’s no joke. 

Seriously Funny: Humour is a Character Strength (Neuroscience News). Researchers say the use and appreciation of humour is positive for overall wellbeing and psychological health. Humour is observed in all cultures and at all ages. But only in recent decades has experimental psychology respected it as an essential, fundamental human behaviour. 

A Little Laughter Decreases Stress and Improves Productivity (Forbes). Paul Osincup is a positivity strategist and his mission is to create workplace happiness. He does this with his humorous and inspirational style of teaching and speaking. According to Osincup, “Humour is the new mindfulness.” You can actually train your brain to see and experience humour more often. 

Viewing Memes Online Increases Positive Emotions, Helps Cope with Pandemic (Penn State). Viewing memes online may increase positive emotions which can help improve one’s confidence in the ability to cope with life during a pandemic. The recently published study also showed that people who viewed memes with COVID-19-related captions reported lower levels of COVID-related stress than did those who saw a non-COVID caption. 

Share the Love! 

There’s a Specific Kind of Joy We’ve Been Missing (The New York Times). Research has found that people laugh five times as often when they’re with others as when they’re alone. Peak happiness lies mostly in collective activity. 

Hard Times Make for Stronger Bonds and Greater Happiness: Here’s Why That Matters (Forbes). You’ve heard it before: Going through hard times is one of the things that can create bonds between people. In fact, the more difficult the experience, the more bonding that may occur. And a global pandemic certainly qualifies as a condition for strengthening bonds.  

Getting Beyond Small Talk: People Enjoy Deep Conversations with Strangers (NeuroScience News). People overestimate feelings of awkwardness when talking to strangers and underestimate the enjoyment of deep, meaningful conversations with those we have just met. 

Selflessness and Feeling in Harmony with Others Coincides with Greater Happiness (PsyPost). A study published in the Journal of Individual Differences suggests there’s more to happiness than feeling satisfied with one’s life. The study found that experiencing the self as interdependent coincided with increased happiness through feeling greater harmony with others. 

Why we Missed Hugs (The Conversation). Similar to regular hunger, touch hunger serves as an alert that something important is missing – in this case, the sense of security, intimacy, and care that comes with tactile contact. 

Express Yourself 

Twirl to Happiness: Does Dance Therapy Hold Promise for Treating Anxiety and Depression? (Economic Times). Researchers understand that the majority of our daily communication is nonverbal, and traumatic memories are encoded, or stored, in nonverbal parts of the brain. 

What is it That Makes Baking Such a Soothing, Evocative Pastime? (Happiful). So, what it is that makes baking such an effective mindfulness tool, and how can we harness this to support our mental health? With help from a counsellor, and the people who have explored this connection for themselves, we’re asking the rising question: what happens when you add baking into the wellbeing mix? 

How you Decorate Your Home can Impact your Happiness (Women’s Health). Google partnered with the Arts & Mind Lab at Johns Hopkins University to explore the impact of sensory input on our minds and bodies. They designed three different rooms, and participants wore bands to track their physiological responses as they moved through each room. 

Why Doing Something Different Can Boost Well-Being (Psychology Today). A neuroscience-based method to improve happiness. Experiential diversity—going to new or different places and doing different things—can boost well-being, research suggests. 

The Benefits of Texting Your Gratitude (Psychology Today). Research suggests that expressing gratitude by texting may be just as beneficial as an in-person show of appreciation. 

Art for Happiness – How Culture can Keep us Healthy and Sane (Mostly) (Evening Standard). The Wellcome Collection is exploring happiness in its new dual exhibitions, but what role can museums and culture play in maintaining our mental health? 


Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!  

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: happiness, meaning, mentalhealth, mindfulness, purpose, resilience

Finding Flow (E93)

15/11/2021 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week Marie and Pete talk about finding your flow and the wonderful benefits it can give you on your journey to true happiness.

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background] 

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.  

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.  

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.  

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny. 

[Intro music fadeout] 

M: Welcome back.

P: I’m in a recumbent position and I’m not moving.

M: Laugh. Pete’s sitting, his legs crossed and his arm above his head.

P: I’ve been told that I’m not allowed to move because I make too much noise, laugh!

M: He does, our poor production people.

P: Laugh!

M: Person, sorry.

P & M: Laughter.

P: Yeah, we have a team.

M & P: Laughter.

M: Yes, Pete has a habit of scratching furiously –

P: Laugh.

M: – jingling his bracelets, clicking his fingers.

P: Laugh, I just like to express myself every now and then get myself into a mode and I like to let everybody know how I’m feeling.

M: Laugh. And by every now and then, you mean every two minutes.

P & M: Laughter.

P: If you’re wondering what we’re talking about. We’re talking about how to do a radio interview properly and how you have to sit with your hands on the table feet apart.

M: You should plant yourself in a position where – See he’s already just running his hands over his leg. Laugh.

P: I like touching things I can’t help it!

M & P: Laughter!

M: Very tactile, laugh.

P: You want people to be relaxed and be able to respond during an interview. So, for those of us who are more physically inclined.

M: Then we’d probably get you to stand in front of a mic that’s fixed.

P: Ahh…

M: So that you can’t touch things or bang things –

P: That wouldn’t work for me. Laugh.

M: – or just stay put! Well, for those of you who listen to our show, we hope you find the [background noise] …noise that is constant. Laugh. Pete just dropped a pillow.

P: Laugh. I did not!

M: We hope you find it charming, not amateurish.

P: Laugh, it’s something new every week that people can enjoy.

M: Laugh. All right, well, today we are actually exploring our full range of emotions, and it is not such a happy day today because we are sad to say that Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has passed away at the age of 87.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: So, he’s a Hungarian-American psychologist, and we started out really early by looking at his work on flow, didn’t we, Pete?

P: Mmm. He was the first person that I remembered because I had to remember his name.

M: Laugh.

P: Had to learn how to say it.

M: We spent a lot of time drilling in Csikszentmihalyi, Csikszentmihalyi, Csikszentmihalyi.

P: Laugh.

M: And for those of you who you think that’s only four syllables, I think there’s like 20 letters, though. [16 letters]

P: Yeah, there was an alphabet.

M: Laugh.

Csikszentmihalyi was Hungarian-American, and he was known for his work in the study of happiness and creativity. He was really a pioneer in the positive psychology space, and in particular he introduced flow theory in the seventies, and he defined flow as a state of mind attained when one becomes fully immersed in an activity.

P: He was a real ground breaker, though I can’t imagine many people in the seventies who weren’t living in communes and going around and burning their bras.

M: Remember, he came from Hungary to the States in 1956.

P: Mmm.

M: So, he would have been living through World War II prior to that.

P: Yeah. It makes his ideas and his brain even more amazing.

M: Absolutely.

P: Chicago’s a pretty, pretty liberal kind of place. It has got some great minds and some really broad thinking people there.

M: Yep.

P: But in the seventies, he was in San Francisco. This person would have gone around going, “I want to talk about flow.” Laugh. Can you imagine what these academics?

M: Laugh.

P: I mean, this is exactly what the podcast is about. It’s about the cynical brain, and I just think someone who is that ground breaking, who could go, “I’m going to explore this and I’m going to pursue it with research.”

M: Mmm hmm.

P: That’s amazing conviction.

M: I think that a lot of people, you know, Viktor Frankl is another great example of someone who, so he wrote Man’s Search for Meaning and he spent a lot of his time researching what makes people happy and he lived through the camps.

P: Yeah, mmm.

M: So, I think Csikszentmihalyi – Pete’s changing chairs.

P & M: Laugh.

M: His knees are cracking.

P & M: Laugh.

M: Now Csikszentmihalyi, I don’t believe it was in the camps, but I do believe he was [affected].

P: Mmm.

M: He lived through World War II and was definitely impacted by it. And I think that led a lot of people to want to study psychology.

P: And the meanings and reasons behind why people behave in a certain way, yes.

M: And what matters in life. Just like over the last 18 months, a lot of people around the world during the pandemic have reassessed their lives and what is and isn’t important.

P: Mmm, yes. Hugely.

M: Yeah, so whereas you and I have planted gardens, Csikszentmihalyi dedicated his life to helping other people understand what brings happiness. He developed this theory of flow and received a lot of awards and an external recognition for that and spent a lot of time in universities teaching others about how to live life.

P: Mmm, yeah again that would have been a ground-breaking area of development.

M: And the field of positive psychology was really new then.

P: Yeah, yeah, certainly in it’s infancy.

M: And he was not only a pioneer in flow, but more broadly positive psychology and really helped the movement gain traction more broadly and with the public.

P: Yeah, yeah. So, for those who may not have heard our previous episode on this. Marie, what is flow?

M: Flow.

P: Yeah.

M: Flow, F – L – O – W, not Flo down the road.

P: Laugh. She makes the best pumpkin scones, I swear.

M: Laugh. Or not ‘flow’s come to town.’

P: Laugh.

M: Which is such an Aussie –

P: Laugh.

M: – saying. I’m not going to explain for our overseas listeners –

P: Laugh!

M: – what that means.

P: Laugh. Australian colloquialisms.

M: Let’s just say it happens once a month for most women.

P: Laugh.

M: So, what it [flow] means is that you’re completely focused on the task at hand, to the point that you forget about yourself and others and about the world around you.

P: Mmm.

M: So, you might lose track of time. But it doesn’t matter because you’re so engrossed in your activity and so happy in the moment.

P: Mmm. We’ve talked about it being a state of presence and a real mindfulness.

M: It’s this weird dichotomy where you’re so in the moment that you’re unaware of what’s happening around you.

P: Yes.

M: So, I’ve got a quote here from Csikszentmihalyi. So, he says,

“Contrary to what we usually believe, the best moments in our lives and not the passive receptive, relaxing times, although such experiences can also be enjoyable if we’ve worked hard to attain them. The best moments usually occur when a person’s body your mind, is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.”

P: So, it’s those things that you remember when you’re reflecting on something from 10 years ago or when you’re maybe in a stressful situation and you’re recalling that ‘No, I’m sure I can do this, I remember back in 1982 when I did that’, and I was in that moment. Is that kind of what flow does? It makes, it builds a little bit of resilience maybe it builds a little bit of a marker for us to rely on in future times?

M: I guess it does in the sense that if you’re looking at not giving up.

P: Mmm.

M: Or using your passion to dedicate time to building skills or depth of understanding, I guess from that point of view you could use it. But I think more than that, it’s the pleasure it brings in the moment. Just like mindfulness has been proven scientifically to help with happiness levels. It’s about being deeply engrossed in something and flow, similar to meditation, has the same types of impacts on the brain.

P: Mmm.

M: The same types of positive impacts and visualisation during flow can give similar results to when people are meditating. So, really, it’s about creating an environment where you can just follow your passion down a rabbit hole.

P: Laugh, be like Alice!

M & P: Laugh!

P: Follow the White Rabbit.

M: Exactly, follow the white rabbit and come out the other side, and you’ll feel proud and satisfied of what you’ve done that day versus eight hours on the couch Netflixing.

P: Mmm.

M: Which as Csikszentmihalyi says here can also be enjoyable.

P: Right, but in a different way?

M: Exactly. Or, you know, if you’ve worked really hard for a holiday and you just want to lay on the beach for a few days, that can be a good experience, and definitely we need that kind of rest as we’ve discussed before.

P: Yep.

M: But flow is a different type of… I won’t say rest, but it can be equally as satisfying and equally as positive to your mental health.

P: It’s kind of like a way of tapping into that well spring of positivity. For those who are maybe a little bit obsessive compulsive or much more active people, people like yourself who might struggle with meditation. This is another way of accessing those benefits.

M: Yeah.

P: In a very different format. You can be as neurotic as you want about getting the grout out of the bathroom if you really want to if that’s your flow.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: It’s much more in touch with… mindfulness with activity? Is that a fair call?

M: Yeah, I’d say so. And it’s about also achieving things. So many people read Marie Kondo’s book or watched her on Netflix and got to packing their T shirts in those little tepee things in the drawers.

P: Laugh.

M: You know what I’m talking about, laugh. I know you do.

P: Laugh!

M: And you know that was lockdown activity number one. Let’s go through and spring clean and de-clutter everything. And a lot of people really took a lot of satisfaction from spring cleaning their places during lockdown.

P: Yep.

M: So absolutely, you can apply it to many different things.

P: Laughter!

M: For me, it’s writing so I can start writing and look up hours later and the sun has gone down.

P: Yeah. When you’re in that moment, and it’s kind of really special because it doesn’t happen very easily. It doesn’t happen all the time, not every time do you sit down to write does it happen. It’s got to be –

M: Sadly, no.

P & M: Laugh.

P: – the right atmosphere, the sun is going to be in the right position, you know a butterfly has to have flapped its wings in Tokyo.

M: Mmm hmm, laugh.

P: You know. All that sort of stuff, laugh.

M: And there’s a great quote by Margaret Thatcher, and she says,

“Look at a day when you’re supremely satisfied at the end of it. It’s not a day when you lounge around doing nothing. It’s a day when you’ve had everything to do, and you’ve done it.”

P: Mmm.

M: So, it’s like the satisfaction of ticking that last item off your to do list and then closing your laptop down on a Friday afternoon.

P: Yes, laugh.

M: Being like, ‘Yes! it’s the weekend.’

P: Laugh, it’s 5:03.

M: Laugh. Eh… Four o’clock.

P & M: Laugh!

M: Now, I’ll watch some Ted talks, laugh. Hang out here till the boss isn’t watching.

P & M: Laugh.

P: They’ve already been down at the pub for three hours.

M: Laugh! So, really, what we’re talking about. And, we mentioned this, I think it was episode five that we first talked about flow.

What is Flow and How to Find it (E5)

P: Yes, it was right at the beginning.

M: Yes, before you were studying and we’re throwing out scientific terms at us, left, right and centre.

P: Laugh.

M: We discussed the default Mode Network, or DMN.

P: Yes.

M: Where all your autopilot/default activities happen.

P: Yeah.

M: And so, to explain that term before we move on. So, as kids, everything is new and we’re constantly learning. And as we get older, things become more of the same, and as a result, our brains don’t need to try as hard.

P: Yes.

M: And they instead operate in the default mode network. So that’s when you’re on autopilot. But when you’re in a state of flow, just like when we’re experiencing awe, we move from the autopilot part of our brains to the learning and inspiration part.

So, it’s about switching from wake up, feed the kids, have a shower, brush your teeth, get out the door, get on your public transport, get to work. It’s about switching off that default mode network and that do this every day and switching on –

P: Yeah, it’s almost passive in a way, isn’t it?

M: Yeah, switching off the passiveness and switching on the engagement, the excitement.

P: OH MY GOD THAT’S A RED PEN ON THE FLOOR! Laugh!

M: Laugh, right? Imagine going back to Disneyland for the first time every day?

P: Ooohhh!!!!!

M: Right? That’s what you’re trying to tap into that wonder and awe.

P: Yeah.

M: Awe is another one as well. You know, for me, the moment that really brings back memories of awe was first seeing Taj Mahal. I imagine if I went back, I wouldn’t have that same feeling.

P: It’s divine, mmm.

M: Yep, it is. It’s about trying to find ways to tap into that again, and you can actually do that. And so maybe we can move forward with ways to bring more flow into your life and deliberately put into practise. Because there are… Oh, God, we’re sounding old now, 50 years of research now, thanks to Csikszentmihalyi on this topic. Since it first came out in the seventies.

P: Yeah, wow.

M: First one, Get rid of the bloody mobile phones.

P: Yes! I’m fully on board for that one. Put it down. Put it in a drawer. And where I first went with this idea is give yourself time.

M: Yep.

P: Give yourself some time to experience flow, set some time in a diary and go ‘this is my flow hour.’ You might not get there but give yourself an hour to explore it.

M: Absolutely. And to do that,

P: Uninterrupted.

M: Yes, it needs to be uninterrupted. So, if you’re sharing a house with someone else, maybe try going to sit in the park.

P: Mmm.

M: Or go to the library.

P: Yep.

M: Those things still exist.

P: Laugh.

M: I know we get all our content online nowadays, but libraries have really evolved quite a bit.

P: I think they’ve done a remarkable job of remaining current and appropriate in the digital age.

M: Mmm hmm. Absolutely. So, go find somewhere quiet and turn off your phone. Put it on silent or leave it another room to stop you checking it because the other thing we do with our phones is if they’re within hands reach in that moment when we’re switching thinking from one idea to the next, we reach for the phone. We go ‘I wonder if anyone’s messaged, I wonder if I’ve gotten an email’ and it’s about not doing that and letting the ideas flow from one to the next, not interrupting that thinking.

P: Mmm and that’s a training thing as well, doing that repeatedly actually makes it an easier state. You don’t get distracted by the technology quite as often.

M: Mmm hmm. Even the technology that’s not on, right?

P: Laugh.

M: Because it’s just in arm’s reach. You turn it back on.

P: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

M: Okay, so number two, we kind of touched on this and they’re all interlinked, is get away from other people.

P: Laugh, have your moment.

M: Mmm hmm. If you’ve got kids, you know, the phone ringing, the TV blaring, you know our busy lives can just feel like one big interruption, and I know at work I have in the past really struggled with finding flow. And as someone who needs to do a lot of writing and thinking, it’s really difficult when you’re constantly being pinged on teams and messenger or whatever your platform is that your company uses to communicate and then you’ve got emails and then you’ve got your phone and it’s exhausting at times to never have that time to do deep work.

P: Mmm.

M: And meetings.

P: Laugh.

M: Oh my goodness, do we love a meeting in corporate world? So, it’s about blocking out time, and I do this now. So, three days a week, not every day but three days a week. I’ll block a two-hour block, and mostly I’m successful at protecting it. And I’ll close down my email and my messenger apps and then just do some work. And I find I come out the other side of that day so much more satisfied with myself.

P: Mmm, yep.

M: Absolutely. Because I’ve actually done some work that day.

P: Because you’ve given yourself the time and eliminated distractions.

M: Yep, and not only that, I do get work done in between meetings and multitasking and all the rest of it. But there’s nothing like the flow that comes from the two hours uninterrupted work.

P: Mmm, the quality. Yeah. And I find that even when I’m working with someone as a client, as a massage therapist, it’s very easy for me to cut out all the distractions. And people tend not to want to interrupt that space.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Unless they really, really have to. And it is. It’s lovely when I’m in there and I remember going back to when I first started professional work as a massage therapist, really easy for me to do 2.5 hour treatments because there wasn’t a time limit with certain clients and I could indulge and so I could actually –

M: How do I get a massage therapist like you?

P: Laugh! Get them when they’re young.

M & P: Laugh!

P: That’s all I can say, laugh! But it was that love. It was that lovely indulgence. And when you’re in that space, you can do some pretty amazing quality work because it builds one on top of the other. It’s that cumulative effect, if you like, of achievement. And, as you said, unlocking even more fabulousness from yourself.

M: Yeah, absolutely. So, the third thing is, find the right task that you can immerse yourself in. Folding the laundry doesn’t count.

P: Laugh. This comes back to our conversation about passion, I think.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Knowing what it is that gives you that flow. Or what activity is that you know you can achieve that state in.

M: Yep. So, Csikszentmihalyi says it needs to be sufficiently difficult without being overwhelmingly difficult or unachievable.

P: Yeah, yeah.

M: So, there’s got to be a challenge there to it. This is why study, is a good one.

P: Yep.

M: So, I don’t know… As someone who’s gone back to university whether you’ve experienced flow when studying.

P: Completely, yeah. Especially when I’m engaged with the content. You do, you look up and go, ‘Oh my god, it’s dark. Where’d the day go?’ Laugh.

M: But I will say both of us are quite similar. And where we go to with our flow activity is it is so subjective, though. So, just because we haven’t mentioned it today in this podcast doesn’t mean that… You know maybe riding a horse –

P: Yeah.

M: – is your thing. Trying to think of things that other people might, laugh.

P: Climbing a mountain.

M: Mmm.

P: Like going for a peak, for example? I mean, that’s very challenging, and that can be a flow moment.

M: Yep.

P: It means you’re doing it on your own, laugh!

M: Yeah, definitely. So, there are some ideas that we can give you. Well three in particular. So, if you’re looking for things to bring flow and also some other benefits as well, a lot of it can be found by doing things in a novel or new.

P: Mmm.

M: So, find inspiration by doing something new. So, sign up for a class or activity or course that’s a good one.

P: Yep.

M: Find inspiration by going somewhere new. So go for a mountain climb or get out of town. Even, what I love doing is getting on the hop on, hop off bus.

[Hop on Hop off Bus Tours – providing sightseeing tours on an open-top bus where you can hop on and off to explore it all at your own pace.]

P: Laugh.

M: Love it. And then find inspiration by meeting someone new. Oh, and having a conversation or sparking new ideas with people.

P: Which might lead to new activities, yeah. I like that.

M: Mmm hmm. Or you can try volunteering or joining a book club.

P: Putting yourself in flows way.

M: Yes.

P: Laugh.

M: Absolutely. All right, well, that’s all we have time for today. Again, so sad news today in the positive psychology community.

P: Yes.

M: But –

P: What a legacy to leave.

M: Yeah.

P: Yeah, I just think it’s such a fabulous thing. I was the inventor of flow and positive thinking. Thanks. Goodbye, laugh.

M: Peace out, mic drop.

P: Laugh.

M: Laugh. Alright, well on that note, wishing you a happy week with plenty of flow.

P: Chow

[Happy exit music – background] 

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic. 

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out. 

M: Until next time. 

M & P: Choose happiness.  

[Exit music fadeout] 

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks! 

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: awe, flow, inspiration, meaning, mindfulness

The Key to Resilience, According to Bestselling Author Hugh Van Cuylenberg

31/03/2021 by Marie

What’s the Key to Resilience?

Want to know the key to resilience? Last year I interviewed best-selling author of The Resilience Project, Hugh Van Cuylenberg (listen to the podcast). We talked about his journey and experiences, and the amazing work he’s doing in Melbourne and around Australia to teach kids, athletes and corporate big-wigs how to be more resilient in today’s hectic world.

Hugh also shared the key to resilience, which is the premise behind what Hugh teaches and his book – a nifty little acronym called GEM, which stands for Gratitude, Empathy and Mindfulness.

Read on to find out how Hugh teaches people around Australia how we can use the GEM this info to achieve a happier, healthier life.

Click to buy the book

The GEM Principle

“I was living in India and I was volunteering in a school community. When I got there, I thought, ‘Oh my God, there’s no way I’m going to stay here (…) because I was thinking I can’t sleep on the floor here for two weeks. I can’t walk half an hour down to the river to get water every day. I’m not going to sit in the river for a bath, like that’s just not going to happen.”

“But I remember on my first day in the school, which I planned to be my second last day in the whole community, I met a kid who was nine years old and slept on the floor like everyone else. But I remember thinking to myself, ‘I have never in my life seen joy like this before. This kid’s the happiest person I’ve ever met. I’ve never seen anything like him. How incredible. How is it this kid’s so gleefully happy?’

I was living with the principal and I remember I went back to his little mud hut, and I (…) said, “No, I think I need to stay a bit longer.” And the reason I wanted to stay longer is I was thinking ‘What do these people do every day that makes them happy, what does this kid do that makes him happy?’

It wasn’t just this kid, it’s everyone right. Everyone was just so full of joy. I remember looking out the hole in this, well it wasn’t a window. It was like a hole in the mud brick wall at this school. I’m looking across thinking ‘there’s nothing here, there’s nothing in this village. Like I mean, there’s a beautiful view of the Himalayas, and that’s about it. I don’t know what these people are so full of joy.’ So I decide to stay there as long as it would take me to work out what it is those people do every day that makes them so happy.

And I ended up staying for three and a half months, and in three and a half months I saw three things. I mean, there were many things going on. I mean, they were surrounded by awe all the time. I watched what those people did. And every day they practiced Gratitude, Empathy, and Mindfulness.

Gratitude

“I would watch these kids in particular this boy stands out. And when he saw something he was grateful for, he would just stop and point it out to me, and he would try and say the word ‘this’ but couldn’t pronounce the ‘th’ so he’d say ‘dis’.”

“As people who’ve read the book will know, he’d say “Sir, dis! Dis, dis, dis,” you know, whether it was his shoes that were too small because he can’t afford to buy new shoes. But he was pointing at them saying “How lucky am I, I’ve got shoes on my feet. Some of the kids here don’t have shoes. How lucky am I?” Whether it was the rice he got for lunch every day, he only got rice every single day. Just rice. That’s it, from the school. But he couldn’t afford to bring lunch to school. So, the fact they got provided lunch. ‘Sir, dis, dis, dis. Look I get fed here every day. How lucky am I?’”

“Moments he loved. If he realised in a good moment, you know, he’d stop, and he would just point out the things he was really grateful to have like the things that were happening. He loved Bollywood dancing, so often I would walk past him, and he was doing a ridiculous, choreographed Bollywood dance, but he’d say “Sir, dis, dis, dis.” What he was saying was, ‘I’m so lucky I’m doing this right now.’ That’s actually a really, that was quite a life changing, I won’t say moment but a realisation for me. We need to get better at paying attention to the good stuff as it happens.”

Empathy

“What I saw with this community in India is these kids were so unbelievably kind. This kid particular, if he saw saw someone by themselves [he’d go] straight over to them “just checking you’re ok. Do you want to come play with us?”

“If someone wasn’t in school, he would swing past their mud hut after school and say ‘Hey, just checking in, are you ok?’”

Mindfulness

“And mindfulness, they practised it every single day. They had a half an hour meditation before school, every single day. It was optional, so no one had to be there. Yet every single child turned up for it, and I think essentially because they just got instinctively how good it was for them.”

Some Parting Advice from Hugh…

“The most simple thing to do, I think, in order to experience more joy and positive emotion, that’s what creates resilience. So that’s why I’m bring this up. But I think that the easiest thing to do a really practical one, is just to write down three things every day that went well for you. Not three things that have been life changing, not three things you’re grateful for because that’s impossible to keep that up every day and not get bored.”

“What are three things that went well for you today? Had a nice coffee. You saw the sunrise. Had a nice text message for a friend.”

“Whatever it is. If you do that every single day, you actually physically rewire your brain to start scanning the world for the positives. And that makes you a happier person. And it’s something you look forward to. Write it in a note pad next your bed, in a journal, on the shower screen door. However you want to do it, totally up to you. But what you’ll find is you’ll start to experience more moments of joy, and you’ll be more aware of them as they happen, which is a really nice starting point for all this stuff.”


About Hugh and the Key to Resilience

Hugh van Cuylenberg has been working in education for over 15 years. The highlight of his teaching career was the year he spent in the far north of India, volunteering and living at an underprivileged school in the Himalayas. It was here that he discovered resilience in its purest form.

Inspired by this experience, he returned to Melbourne and The Resilience Project was born. Having completed his post graduate studies looking at resilience and wellbeing, Hughes developed and facilitated programs for over 900 schools around Australia for the National Rugby League, The Australian Cricket Team, The Australian Netball Team, The Australian Women’s Soccer Team, The Jillaroos, 10 AFL teams, and he has presented to over 500 corporate groups. Hugh is also the best-selling author of The Resilience Project.

You can find Hugh and get more resilience tips at www.TheResilienceProject.com.

Hugh Van Cuylenberg
Hugh Van Cuylenberg

Want to learn more about the key to resilience and the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: empathy, gratitude, happiness, mental health, mindfulness, resilience, wellbeing

So Long 2020 (E48)

14/12/2020 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week Marie and Pete say so long to 2020 – From the crappiness of the year to how positive psychology interventions changed it. 

Transcript

M: You’re listening to podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness, a Flagrant Interpretative Dance Enthusiast, a Storyteller of Movement and Hygge Loving Frozen Fan. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re ready to say F[Beep] off to 2020.

P: [Gasp] Marie, you can’t say that, [Laugh!]

M: Then this is the place to be!

P: [Laugh!] And to take us one step further on our happiness journey, today’s episode is all about the year that was 2020.

[Happy Intro Music]

P: So are we telling 2020 to Beep off?

M: Well, here’s the thing. I think it really depends on how much control you’ve had over your emotions and your happiness levels this year.

P: I think 2020 has been the year of testing.

M: Absolutely. And, oh I can’t say this without feeling this horrible feeling of umm… arrogance.

P: Oh.

M: But 2020 tested me, and I feel like a passed.

P: Well done, well done, you get a gold star.

M: I really do.

P: He, he.

M: So three years ago, I have a really bad accident overseas. I came off a motorbike and tumble down a mountain, and I nearly died, and it really kick started me on this journey of self-discovery and really questioning what was important in life. And then 2020 happened and we launched our podcast in the middle of a global Pandemic.

P: At the beginning really. Wasn’t it? It was kind of right at the start of it.

M: Absolutely. Well, we were recording from November [2019] through till March [2020] and then launched on the 20 of March.

P: Yeah, we did.

M: Which was International Happiness Day.

P: It was, yes.

M: And that was really when –

P: Everyone was in lockdown. [Laugh]

M: Shit went…

P: South. [Laugh]

M: Shit hit the fan, lets be really honest.

P: Yes, very true.

M: 2020 just went downhill from there.

P: It’s given us a bit of a kick in the pants, hasn’t it?

M: Absolutely. And so all of these positive psychology research that we’ve been doing and behavioural psychology.

P: And training, behavioural training.

M: All that stuff that we’ve been preaching this whole year, we’ve really had to put to the test in our own lives haven’t we?

P: Yes, I agree completely. We’ve had to sort of look back on it. So we’re looking back on it in this final podcast for 2020, before we go on a very short break. What have we done in 2020? How good have we been with our positive psychology? And what have we found? What have we discovered?

M: You’re a really good gardener.

P: [Laugh!] My herb garden is fabulous.

M: [Laugh!]

P: Even through the 40 degree [Celsius] (104 Fahrenheit) weekend last weekend, it still bounced back, thank goodness. [Laugh]

M: My garden died.

P: [Laugh!]

M: Withered and died. Thank you Australian summer.

P: But you have Birds?

M: Yeah, I do.

P: In your bird feeder.

M: I go buy bird food and feed them.

P: [Laughter!]

M: And they come to my garden. Yes, it is true.

P: Oh, that is so country.

[Laughter]

P: Right, so how have we gone this year?

M: Let’s score this. So I on a scale of one to ten how has your year been from a happiness level?

P: On a happiness level, I would actually have to say that, oddly enough, through doing the podcast and through looking at all the information that we’ve been disseminating and preaching and researching.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Because, as you know, one of the best ways to become a better… to put in a sports reference, the best way to become a better player is to become a coach.

M: Yes.

P: So to actually espousing and talking about happiness and telling people “well, you should do this!” You’ve got to look at your own [situation] and go ‘oh, I should do that too.’

[Laughter]

P: So I would say 2020 has actually been a very positive year for me.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: I’m getting a sense of this a lot through my clients as well. 2020 has allowed us to all go back to the drawing board and define what is truly valuable to us.

M: What’s meaningful in life.

P: Very much. It’s definitely one of those moments, I think. We’ve all been pushed to the limits a little bit with our patience, with our understanding with our compassion with our fear, our security, our understanding.

M: Our uncertainty.

P: Yeah, all that sort of stuff and in those moments, That is when you go back to your root values and your core values and go, ‘Ok, well what’s truly important to me? Is it important that I make that deadline with work? Or is it important that I talk to my husband every night and have a nice conversation and ensure a good meal?

M: And ensure a good meal? How very 1950’s of you.

P: Aaacchh.

M: [Laugh!]

P: I’m a domestic housewife waiting to happen I swear.

[Laughter]

P: Give me a millionaire and I will have your drink and your slippers ready for you when you walk in the door. I’ll have dinner and I will massage you. I’m a domestic goddess waiting to happen. I’m so good for it. [Laugh]

M: You are. But would that provide you with meaning and purpose in your life? Because that is the larger question.

P: Oddly enough, I think there is a certain… Yes, I actually could answer yes to that there would be a certain joy there would be a certain fulfilment in being that role.

M: I think that is the dichotomy of feminism. That a lot of women do enjoy looking after other people and caring for other people. Anyway, so I think that there, that is a dichotomy of feminism, that the issue that feminism has raised with so many women is that they want to be strong and independent, have choice and they want to choose to look after their husbands sometimes to look after kids and raise kids and do a good job raising Children and I think it’s taken us a while to get over that fight, to have equality in the workplace and all the rest of it.

But some people get real purpose and meaning in their lives.

P: Absolutely.

M: From looking after others and from mentoring and coaching and raising good children.

P: Well, this comes from, it comes down to mindfulness. It’s the immediacy of the response of the action. So, if my partner walks in the door, and I have prepared a beautiful meal and the table is set. There’s a glass of wine waiting for him as he walks in the door. Then I’m taking care of him. But I’m also nurturing the space, and I’m nurturing our relationship. I’m nurturing myself within that. I’m pretty proud of that. And that’s, that’s a meaning that’s a purple -purpose. Purplefulness? That’s not a word? [Laugh]

M: Purplefulness.

P: [Laugh] Purposefulness? I’m trying to I don’t know… I’m digging here.

M: That’s purposeful?

P: Yeah, I’ll go there. That’ll do.

M: I forget what we were talking about.

P: [Laugh]

M: It gives you purpose and meaning in your life.

P: Yes.

M: Look, and I think again, back to your point with the mindfulness, it is just about knowing yourself well enough to know that cooking brings you pleasure. Now, the second you’re cooking.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: Day in, day out and it becomes a chore and a job, you might need a break from that. To rediscover your joy from cooking.

P: Remove it for a while.

M: And your mindfulness and your self-awareness and self-reflection will help you to rediscover that. But very, very quickly things can become monotonous, boring.

P: Day to day, daily chores, yeah.

M: Yeah.

P: Where you just want to go and order Thai takeout.

M: [Whispers] What’s wrong with that?

P: [Laugh] Well we all have those days. So if we take that to a larger context.

M: We have a lot of those days…

P: [Laugh] But if we take that into the wider context, there are the daily activities that we, the daily grind that we have to get through.

M: Yep.

P: Part of what we talk about here on the podcast, in terms of mindfulness and all that positive psychology around being present, understanding your Ikigai, all that sort of stuff that we have referenced over the last year. If you can come to a point where that becomes special and you can identify those moments, there’s an amazing amount of joy that comes with that. So, when I’m standing in the kitchen with my kitchen knives, which I recently lost, and I will get them back [laugh], but that brings joy and being able to go ‘I’m cooking for myself, and I cooked a really give meal’ that’s a joyful experience and it makes you feel nurtured and good about yourself, and that leads to good happiness.

M: So I think the lesson for me has been that this podcast, blog and my site has really made sure that I focused on being mindful.

P: Mmm.

M: About the good things and the things that I enjoy doing.

P: Yep.

M: And that I have kept my happiness in the back of my mind all year.

P: Mmm.

M: And it has helped me to ensure that I’m prioritising and practising positive psychology activities.

P: Oh, I can’t agree more with that.

M: That have helped me to weather 2020 in a way that I feel guilty about, almost. I feel that-

P: -Because you’ve succeeded?

M: Yes, so many people have struggled in 2020.

P: Oh, yes. Yes.

M: And I feel, I feel bad that I haven’t.

P: I think the interesting thing for me is every week Marie and I try to get together and we do our little recordings. And every now and then we might not have a week where we do it and we’ll have to catch up. For me it’s the regularity of catching up with you and talking about this stuff. It filters into my daily life. It filters into my actions. So when you’re sitting there and saying “Oh, yes. Everybody go out and keep a gratitude wall.”

‘Oh hang on, where’s my gratitude wall? do I have one? I don’t really have one, maybe I should go and put one up!’

M: Yes.

P: So it makes you more aware and it brings that idea of doing the regular activities into my consciousness.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So our commitment to meeting up every week, even when you were in Tamworth and I was in Sydney.

M: And your internet was shit.

P: Oh yeah, my internet is crap.

M: I apologise to everyone for the horrible sound, it was all Pete’s fault, just so we’re clear.

P: [Laugh] [Whispers] It was Marie’s fault.

M: [Laugh]

P: But getting back to the point.

M: What were we talking about?

P: [Laugh] Commitment of the regular interaction and the regular investment of, let’s say, 50 minutes every week about us talking about happiness and all that it entails, and all the little tasks that you have to do it filters into your awareness. And that’s enough to actually create a good response and a happier existence.

M: And I think that was the whole premise of our book, right?

P: Yes.

M: So if you’re not going to church, listen to our podcast, meet up with a friend and talk about this stuff.

P: Make it regular.

M: Journal, blog, whatever it is that makes it a regular occurrence in your life. Again, I feel guilty and I feel arrogant for saying this, but I think that it is 100% the reason why I’ve weathered a global pandemic, a move to Tamworth, separation from my friends, a job change all of that stuff like it was just another day.

P: He, he. It didn’t impact you as much as maybe it would have, maybe three years ago?

M: Absolutely. Before the accident, I was living in the rat race. I was succeeding by all external measures.

P: All the external measures of what you were measuring success by.

M: But I was definitely not living my best life.

P: Mmm.

M: Success and happiness are two very different things.

P: Very much. And I also want a reference one of the emails that we received from a listener who wrote into us saying she was completely effusive in her praise, which is always so lovely to hear. But the most warming thing was that she said that she wanted to do something similar.

M: Yes.

P: So she was going to commit to her own podcast or her own publishing of information around happiness. And that, I think is possibly one of the biggest wins you get.

M: Yes, that is why we’re here!

P: Yes and it makes a difference when you reach one person. And it’s the pass on effect, that one person goes out and then passes it on to 100 other people.

M: Yep.

P: So that filtering through creates a web, it creates an interconnectedness in exactly the same way that Covid reacts!

M: Oh! It’s viral, viral!

P: Viral! But we could do the same thing with happiness.

M: [Laugh]

P: We can actually create those good feelings, one person goes out and reaches 10 other people and those 10 other people go out and reach another 10 people, which becomes 100. And I really do believe that happiness works in that way. And all the good things that we’ve talked about in terms of being generous and gratitude and understanding and passion. I think it really infiltrates into other people in your lives. Not just yourself.

M: I think so too. I’ve brought my sister along on this journey.

P: Oh, the gorgeous Lealea. She has, her love language is touch, I love it.

M: [Laugh]

P: “I just need to hug you because my love language is touch too! Yay!”

M: [Laugh] It’s so funny because the amount people who have come up to me and they’re like, “I need to meet Pete, my love language is touch too.”

P: [Laugh!]

M: But love language has been a really popular episode.

P: Oh, really?

M: Yeah.

P: [Laugh] Considering I didn’t really know what love languages were before we did it.

[Laughter]

P: And that, in itself is a good one. It’s one of the benefits for me from doing this podcast. I’ve learned a lot of the terminology and the science behind stuff, and I’ve actually-

M: -You sound quite proud.

P: Yes. Oh stop it, I know you’re going to get proud about this.

M: I’m an ex-journo, I’m like ‘where’s that quote?’

P: [Laugh]

M: ‘Give me the quote and the proof.’ See, I went into journalism with this ideology that it was this beautiful profession, where you serve the people and you report the truth.

P: [Laugh]

M: And then I came out to the real world and there’s things like the daily Mail.

P: Channel Nine.

M: Breitbart.

P: [Laugh]

M: Let’s be really honest, all of the craziness that’s going on in the world and I had believed in unbiased journalism.

P: [Laugh]

M: And so, when we came to this podcast, it was about ‘show me the proof? Show me that this stuff is real?’

P: Yep.

M: And not only have I found so much research in this area. But, my own personal experience just tells me that this stuff is real. It is, it is my church.

P: Mmm.

M: It has become my faith and something that I believe so wholeheartedly in. And I don’t want to come across to others as someone who is preaching or someone who is arrogant in their beliefs and believes that everyone else should [believe them].

P: Yeah.

M: But I’m so torn. Because it has had such a positive impact in my life and influence in my life, on my marriage, on my friends on my family that I just wish I could bring everyone along with me. I feel like I am that cult leader –

P: [Laugh]

M: – about to tell everyone to drink the Kool-Aid.

P: [Laugh]

M: I feel crazy, but it has had that strong an impact on my life and I just want to share that with others.

P: When you’re getting the positive reinforcement from something naturally you do want to share it and you get passionate about it and you want to take people on the same journey. And I will share a personal story here of my adopted grandma, my adopted Nan, Nan McSweeney. She was 102 to when she died. She was the last living person to have met Mother Mary MacKillop. So when the beatification of Mother Mary MacKillop was happening, she was interviewed.

M: And for our non-Australian listeners, who is Mother Mary MacKillop?

P: Mother Mary MacKillop was an Australian nun who was working in Melbourne primarily, but also worked around the coastal regions of the East Coast. She was beatified in 1998?

M: 99?

[Mother Mary MacKillop was beatified in 1995]

P: She was made a saint. She is the Australian saint and that was done by the Catholic Church and my adopted Nan, Nan McSweeney, she was interviewed for that beatification and involved in that process of giving the evidence towards her being declared a Saint at the Church.

M: Sainthood.

P: Yeah. The point of the storey is that Nan was always so secure in her faith and she would stand there and wave you off with a handkerchief when you left for the evening and all these lovely old world qualities.

M: My Nana still does that.

P: It’s such a beautiful thing.

M: She’ll stand in the drive way and wave ‘til she can’t see you anymore.

P: Yeah. It’s like watching the plane take off. My dad would never leave when they would board he would watch the plane go.

M: We’re so fickle, aren’t we?

P: [Laugh]

M: Gen X, Y, Millenials.

P: [Laugh]

M: Well, anyway. So continue.

P: Well… The idea is that faith and believing in something, it means that you want to share it now. Now Nan never pushed her beliefs upon me, but I always felt included. So when she would come up and give me the blessing of the cross in holy water on my forehead, it was never religious. It was just Nan being who she was and it was an expression of love for her. And I, I think that with all this stuff that we do the happiness podcast and we are very exuberant about people coming on this journey with us. It is, ‘I’ve got this great deal you’ve got to buy in come on, come on, come on.’ It’s the carny thing!

[Laughter]

P: It’s getting into my ancestral roots. My father was a carny.

M: Sorry, I have to share.

P: [Laugh]

M: Pete is a descendant of carny’s.

P: My whole family. [Laugh]

M: I don’t know how I missed this? My entire life! I feel like there’s this major revelation that has just come forth.

P: [Laughter]

M: Alright, so 2020. Let’s circle all the way back, you can bring yourself back.

P: ‘Come back, come back.’ [Laugh]

M: Is it that.. oh I’ve got Titanic flashbacks going on right now. Anyway, [whispers] “Don’t go Jack.”

P: [Laugh] [whispers] “Don’t leave me.”

M: So we are almost at time and I started this episode by asking you on a scale of 1 to 10. What do you think your happiness levels of been in 2020?

P: I would say that… My instant reaction is like 8, 9,10. That’s my instant reaction of 2020 which again, I’m with you, I feel guilty for saying that. 2020 has been a challenge but I’ve done really well, I’m coming out of it going ‘Yay, I’ve managed it.’

M: Pick a number?

P: I’m going to go with nine. Yeah, going with nine. And that’s a great thing. And I think that it is because when shit happens, you can express it and you could be cranky. And you can throw screwdrivers down the hallway whilst your face down in a puddle of water because your washing machine has stuffed up!

M: You’ve got real issues with washing machines…

P: I have issues with technology.

M: Again, another time.

P: Yeah, yeah. But on the flip side of that, you can turn it around instantly and go right ‘what’s important going bang, bang, bang, bang.’ I’m clicking again, I do that when I’m excited.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And because of the work that we do here and because of the items and the factors that we highlight. It comes back to mindfulness, it comes back to passion, it comes back to what is relative. This has been an education.

M: Yep. So we are over time, yet again.

P: [Laugh] We always do.

M: We say this every time.

P: [Laugh]

M: I would say from 1 to 10, my happiness levels have been a ten this year.

P: Wow! Straight 10. Well done.

M: Yep, I’ve never had such a fulfilling, satisfying, happy year.

P: I think I’m going to cry.

M: Aww.

As I have this year. And it was in the middle of a global pandemic and a whole lot of change and turmoil, uncertainty, volatility. All of that’s been going on and I have been able to cope and to feel the negative impacts of that and to resolve myself to move forward with all of that and do it with a level of, dare I say, grace that I never had before-

P: Interesting.

M: – and I can only credit that to all the conversations we’ve had, the research I’ve been doing in the blogging, all of that which, blogging is pretty much in other way saying journaling.

P: It is, definitely and it’s a commitment.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s hard to go sometimes.

M: Every single week.

P: It’s really hard to sit down and write another Blog every week.

M: Yep.

P: But when do it. You come up with this good stuff.

M: Absolutely and it’s the self-reflection and it has it has changed my life.

P: And that is the best advertisement that we could possibly finish this on. This stuff is real people, buy in!

[Laughter]

P: It’s so good!

M: For everyone out there, I wish you a joyous and happy holidays and New Year. And I have to say if 2020 has been bad year for you. It can only go up from here.

P: It can, and we’ll go up together.

M: Absolutely.

P: [Laugh]

M: Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukkah (if we haven’t missed it) and have a happy New Year to everyone.

P: Absolutely.

M: And we’ll see you in 2021.

P: Thank you all for coming on this lovely journey with us, we really appreciate it.

M: All right. Well, thank you for joining us specifically today. If you do want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast. And remember, you can find us at www.marieskelton.com.

P: And Please let us know if we are fabulous, because we are-

M: [Laugh]

P: – by leaving us a review.

M: Yes we would be grateful to know that more than my sister listens to this podcast.

P: [Laugh] Until next time.

M: Choose happiness.

[Happy Exit Music]

P: Yay!

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article The Change Storm, listen to our Podcast Self-Care is Church for Non-Believers Pt 2 (E38)

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: 2020, gratitude, HappinessForCynics, mindfulness, PositivePsychology

The Resilience Project – Interview with Hugh van Cuylenberg (E43)

09/11/2020 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast

In this extended episode, Marie interviews best-selling author and founder of The Resilience Project, Hugh van Cuylenberg, about all thing’s resilience. Laugh with them as they delve into why Aussies are such cynics and learn how Hugh gets his message through to some of the world’s biggest cynics, from the meanest footie players to corporate hotshots. 

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton and on today’s show we have a special guest.

Hugh van Cuylenberg has been working in education for over 15 years. The highlight of his teaching career was the year he spent in the far north of India, volunteering and living at an underprivileged school in the Himalayas. It was here that he discovered resilience in its purest form.

Inspired by this experience, he returned to Melbourne and The Resilience Project was born. Having completed his post graduate studies looking at resilience and wellbeing, Hughes developed and facilitated programmes for over 900 schools around Australia for the National Rugby League, The Australian Cricket Team, The Australian Netball Team, The Australian Women’s Soccer Team, The Jillaroos, 10 AFL teams, and he has presented to over 500 corporate groups. Hugh is also the best-selling author of The Resilience Project.

Hope you enjoy today’s show.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: So thank you for joining us today on the Happiness for Cynics podcast Hugh, I’m excited to have you on the show.

H: My pleasure, it’s an absolute pleasure.

M: So for those listeners who don’t know you or your background, would you mind sharing with us your personal story and what led you to dedicate your career to helping people find happiness and resilience?

H: Yeah, well, that’s a great question, because it kind of. There’s been a few moments in my life where things have happened that I guess have kind of led me to what I do now. And I think that’s pretty common for everyone. Like, we all can look back in our lives and pick out little moments that have had influence on the reason we are, you know, the reason we are the way we are and so often the really fascinating thing is that they’re things that at the time were incredibly painful or incredibly difficult. Or at the time we just thought, why is this happening to me? This is so unfair. I just wish this wasn’t happening. But so often they’re the things that actually get us through… Well, shape the kind of person we turned out to be.

So there’s an amazing lyric in the song, the song called ‘Let Go’ [by Frou Frou] by a group called I think It’s either Froo Froo or Frau Frau, I’ve never known. It’s in the Garden State album, it’s a wonderful, wonderful album. The Garden State Album and the lyric is ‘[cause] there’s beauty in the breakdown’. And I, I think about that often when chatting to people who are going through something really difficult, it’s often the kind of thing that will turn out to define them. And I kind of feel like that’s what sort of shaped, I suppose, my direction.

For me obviously, you know, being in mental health and talking about resilience my, my little sister Georgia, when she was 14 years old was diagnosed with a mental illness, Anorexia Nervosa, and that was a huge shock to the system for my family because we were a very, very happy family and everything was great and we never had any, anything difficult, really. Life was, well certainly I wasn’t aware of it when I was a child, life was perfect, really. And then my sister stopped eating when she was 14, I was 16 and my brother was 11. She just stopped eating and it was devastating. And it was when she was 18 years old, she was admitted to hospital because she’d dropped below crisis weight. She was not a short person. She was weighing in at 31 kilograms when she was admitted to hospital.

M: [Shocked noise]

H: And yeah. Oh, really devastating stuff. But I remember having a moment and I can’t remember where in that journey of her mental illness it was. But I remember very clearly having a moment of sitting at the dinner table and my dad, my dad was crying. And, you know, I think a lot of people who see their dad crying for the first time, it’s a pretty… it rocks you.

M: Mm hmm.

H: It wasn’t the first time I saw him cry, but the other time I’d seen him crying was when we lost, our dog passed away, Sammy, he was like, 17. So he’d been with us for a long time and Dad cried then and then a few years later, I saw him crying for my sister for how sick she was. And that’s when I remember having this very strong feeling of ‘Oh my God, my family is so unhappy.’ And that’s very foreign to us and I remember at that point … just thinking, ‘What is it that the people do to be happy, like what? Is there anything I could do to help Mom and Dad be happy?’

Or I mean, I felt like my sister’s mental illness was a bit beyond me, but I remember thinking, I reckon I could help my brother be happy, and I reckon I could help my mom and dad be happy. And that’s… but, I didn’t know. I was 18 and I had no idea what the answer was or um, I can’t remember how old I was, but I was in my teens. I remember thinking ‘I’ve got no idea what I should do to help. But gosh, I wonder what I could do?’

Anyway, it wasn’t until I was 28 years old that I was living… It wasn’t like every day I was walking around thinking, ‘What can I do to be happy? What can I do?’ And I sort of, I’d become a primary school teacher, thinking that I can help kids in primary schools by being a positive influence in their life but I had no idea. I actually went to a girls school to teach at a girls school and people often questioned why I did that thing. It’s a bit of a strange thing to do for a young male. There are no males teaching in girls schools or girls schools primary schools, [I was] the only one.

M: Mm Hmm.

H: And I’d go to all the other school association events, and it’s like, cross country athletics, and I was the only male teacher there in all the girl, all girls primary schools. But it was just because I’ve had this feeling like I could somehow have a positive influence on them. I could maybe stop them getting a mental illness, which is the most outrageous thing to think.

M: [Laugh]

H: But that’s what I was thinking. But yeah, I just remember having this kind of, I guess moment of..

Oh sorry. there was that, but then when you fast forward to when I was in India, 28 years old was living in India and I was volunteering in a school community. When I got there, I thought, ‘Oh my God, there’s no way I’m going to stay here.’ I’m meant to be here for two weeks, but I I’m embarrassed to admit to you now that I said to the principal on night one, “Oh I actually meant two nights, I just meant two nights.” because I was thinking ‘I can’t sleep on the floor, I can’t sleep on the floor here for two weeks.’

M: The culture shock is huge isn’t it?

H: It’s massive. Yeah. I’m thinking, ‘I can’t walk half an hour down to the river to get water every day. I’m not gonna sit in the river for a bath, like that’s just not going to happen.’ Um, but I remember on my first day in the school, which I planned to be my second last day in the whole community, I met a kid who was nine years old and slept on the floor like everyone else. But I remember thinking to myself, ‘I have never in my life seen joy like this before.’

M: Mm hmm.

H: ‘This kid’s the happiest person I’ve ever met. I’ve never seen anything like him. How incredible. How is it this kid’s so gleefully happy?’ And I remember I was living with the principal and I remember I went back to his little mud hut, and I was just, I said, “No, I think I need to stay a bit longer.” And the reason I wanted to stay longer is I was thinking ‘What do these people do every day that makes [them happy], what does this kid do that makes [him happy]?’

It wasn’t just this kid, it’s everyone right. Everyone is just so full of joy. I remember looking out the hole in this, well it wasn’t a window. It was like a hole in the mud brick wall at this school. I’m looking across thinking ‘there’s nothing here, there’s nothing in this village. Like I mean, there’s a beautiful view of the Himalayas, and that’s about it. I don’t know what these people are so full of joy.’ So I lived… I decide to stay there as long as it would take me to work out what it is those people do every day that makes them so happy.

And I ended up staying for three and a half months, and in three and a half months I saw three things. I mean, there were many things going on. I mean, they were surrounded by awe all the time.

M: Mm hmm.

H: There’s a beautiful book by Julia Baird ‘Phosphorescence’ where she talks about just being surrounded by awe is so, such a good thing for your mental health. So they were in the middle of the Himalayas. But I watched what those people did. And every day they practised:

Gratitude

Empathy, and

Mindfulness.

They’re the three things that were a daily practise. I joined in and it had a profound impact on me.

And I feel like I’ve moved away from your question a little bit here. I’ve just given my life story now.

M: [Amused voice] You’re answering my second question.

H: Oh.

M: So, so please keep going. [Laugh]

For our listeners who haven’t yet read your book, and I highly recommend it. Can you give us just a little bit of an overview on, on those three things and maybe how they came about through your time in India?

H: Yeah, so I guess. Sorry for skipping to it before.

M: [Laugh] Not at all.

H: So I guess. Are we acknowledging for this that this is the second time we’ve done this?

M: [Laugh] Sshh! [It’s a ] Secret that I didn’t record this properly somehow. [Laugh]

H: I think it’s a lovely example. One of the, one of the keys to experiencing more joy is to embrace your imperfections. And I think it’s a lovely thing to do.

M: [Laugh]

H: I think that my saying we forgot to record this the first time. [Laugh]

M: Yes. I am very grateful that you were gracious enough to do this all over again.

H: Not a problem, not a problem.

M: [We’ll] put it that way.

H: No, no not a problem. So yes. So the three things I saw them practise every day was gratitude, empathy and mindfulness. I would listen to them. I would watch these kids in particular this Boy I spoke about before stands out and like when he saw something he is grateful for, he would just stop and pointed out to me, and he would try and say the word ‘this’ but couldn’t pronounce the ‘th’ so he’d say ‘dis’. As people who’ve read the book will know. He’d say “Sir, dis! Dis, dis, dis,” you know, whether it was his shoes that were too small because he can’t afford to buy new shoes. But he was pointing at them saying “How lucky am I, I’ve got shoes on my feet. Some of the kids here don’t have shoes. How lucky am I?”

Whether it was the rice he got for lunch every day, he only got rice every single day. Just rice. That’s it, from the school. But he couldn’t afford to bring lunch to school. So the fact they got provided lunch. “Sir, dis, dis, dis.” Look I get fed here every day. How lucky am I? Moments he loved. If he realises in a good moment, you know, he’d stop and he would just point out the things he was really grateful to have like the things that were happening.

He loved Bollywood dancing, so often I would walk past him and he was doing a ridiculous, choreographed Bollywood dance, but he’d say “Sir, dis, dis, dis.” What he was saying was, ‘I’m so lucky I’m doing this right now.’ That’s actually a really, that was quite a life changing, I won’t say moment but a realisation for me. We need to get better  at paying attention to the good stuff as it happens.

Like for so many people around Australia right now who can think about the things they miss doing, due to Covid. I mean, for me here in Melbourne, I miss so much going to cafes and having lunch and coffee with my friends. But when you think back to the last time you were in a cafe having coffee with your friends your going ‘God the sun’s right in my eyes here or this table’s a bit wobbly or this coffee isn’t great. I should’ve ordered that meal.

We’ve just become so spoiled and we needed everything to be perfect in order to have a good time. And I think back to this kid Tsunsen who, if something was good, he would stop and he would just say “dis”. Now I’m not saying [to] everyone listening that every time you see something good, you should say this, but I think we’ve got to be better, and actually stop and absorbing the good stuff that happens and just say this right now is pretty special.

M: Mm hmm.

H: So that’s what I saw, him practising gratitude every day. He’s the kindest person I’ve ever seen. Like I’ve never seen someone who does more for other people. I went from teaching this school here where the kids had nothing and were so full of joy. And I actually went back to teaching at Gelong Grammar School, renowned for positive education and an incredible program that they’re doing now. I mean, it’s life changing for so many people and it’s been so influential in Australia and the world in education. But I had a real problem with, I found it more confronting being there where the kids had everything.

M: Mm hmm.

H: They’re the most privileged. We’re talking about the most privileged kids in the country. My gosh, I was… I only lasted there for about I think it was a term or two terms. I couldn’t handle the… how confronting it was, with kids who had everything were just… were so unhappy with everything they had. Like they needed everything, they needed the best things to be happy they needed this, they needed that and so on. So overindulged I suppose. Um, and I mean, all kids need, I just remember thinking I can’t be here. I need to be somewhere where the kids…

What I saw with this community in India is these kids were so unbelievably kind. This kid particular, if he saw, if they saw someone by themselves straight over to them “just checking you’re ok. Do you want to come play with us?” If someone wasn’t in school he would swing past their mud hut after school and say ‘Hey, just checking in, are you ok?’ Now, I’m not. I didn’t mean to draw a comparison to say that Gelong Grammar kids aren’t kind. That’s not the case at all. They’re very kind kids but I think that any school I went to would struggled to compare to what I’m seeing in this little village.

And mindfulness, they practised it every single day. They had a half an hour meditation before school, every single day. It was optional, so no one had to be there. Yet every single child turned up for it, and I think essentially because they just got instinctively how good it was for them.

M: Yep. I’m really keen to circle back. So you mentioned the pain of experiencing along with your sister what she was going through and that pain of your family and definitely Happiness for Cynics, the podcast has come out of me being quite cynical and really quite privileged as well as everyone is in Australia. Let me just say.

H: Yeah

M: But then going through trauma, I’m interested to know is there any hope for people who want to be happy? But I don’t feel like we should have to put them through trauma or pain to get that change to happen or with your work with kids who have everything and really are privileged. Do you really need to… short circuit something in their lives to make them rethink the way they’re living and truly appreciate things?

H: The two ways we address that, and no you don’t have to go through, I mean, it’s often the case, right? It’s often the case that, you have lived this yourself.

M: Mm hmm.

H: It takes trauma. It takes something difficult to think that ‘I need to make some changes’ or for a lot of people [who] are going through Covid, especially in Melbourne. People are saying ‘Well, you know what? This is the time to make some serious changes.’ And a lot of people have done that, and so a lot of people will be better off when we get through this.

M: Mm Hmm.

H: And we had zero cases today, which is very exciting.

M: Yep.

H: But when we get through this, people will be, there will be a lot of people who are better off emotionally and spiritually because they’ve made some changes that they never would have made.

M: Yep.

H: So for me there are a lot of things I wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t for Covid, like, I’ve stopped watching television at night now and I go into our front room, and I have this routine that I do every night, which, it sounds weird, but like I’ll do a certain amount of push-ups, 10 minutes of core, stability, strengthening stuff. Then I do this, [laugh], like I’m a sprinter and I’ve got terrible hamstrings. So I do this, like hamstring exercise every night, and it takes about half an hour, half an hour of exercise, I drink lots of water. While I’m in there I have a green tea, I have the lights dimmed and I listen to like meditation or like yoga music.

M: Mm hmm

H: And then I go out, I have really healthy food afterwards. Pretty much go to bed. I have some like yogurt and nuts and muesli and stuff like that and I don’t turn the television on and I listen to really calming music and I go to bed. That’s so much healthier than what I was doing before. I was like watching television, have a couple of beers on the couch watching telly.

M: Mm hmm.

H: If I can’t find something on television, I’ll just find something else, I’ll watch just whatever it takes. So that’s me, like who’s in a pretty good place for making some changes. I know some people have made some pretty drastic changes, but that’s not answering your question at all. So I’ll come back to your question, Marie. Sorry.

M: [Laugh]

H: So the reason. So the way I feel like we have been reasonably successful in impacting people’s lives who haven’t gone through something traumatic or didn’t feel like they needed to. There’s two ways:

Number one is modelling.

So I think the most powerful influence anyone’s behaviours to model the behaviours. So I think modelling how powerful that stuff can be has a huge influence and parents out there listening, going ‘Hey, but how does my kids don’t want to hear this stuff? How do I tell my kids?’ You model this stuff to your kids, do this stuff yourself, and you watch what happens when, you know, if your kids or you might be thinking my kids and teenagers, they hate this stuff. They’re watching you right now, like kids are watching to see how we respond to a crisis. So the values that you are modelling now will have a big impact on the kind of person they decide to be when it’s time for them to grow up and be a normal human being. And they’re trying to work out. How do I show up in the world? Well, the way you’re acting now is going to have a big impact on that and what you’re modelling.

And the second way that we I believe we have an impact on people who potentially, you know, thinking ‘I don’t know this stuff. I’m fine. Or I’m not going though anything traumatic. I’m going OK.’

[Number two] I think the way we get through to people is just with stories.

So we don’t get up and say, this is the definition of gratitude, this is the definition of… This’s why you should practise… We just tell stories about people who have gone through this stuff. People who practise it, the impact it’s had on them. Storytelling, we love stories, like people remember stories, we remember stories. We don’t remember stats, statistics, definitions, we remember stories and storytelling is you know, it’s the currency of so many, you know. You do to the pub with your friends, your currency is storytelling. You’re involved in sporting club, you know your currency is storytelling, so that’s what we listen to it. That’s what we love. And so using stories to engage people on this journey is, I think, a really powerful tool.

M: So would you say that was your secret or the way to get the change in the attention of footie player as well, I just I have this image of you standing in front of rooms of these big, competitive mean footy players and them rolling their eyes at you. And obviously, you know in the book that they went in that way to a lot of the sessions that you held for them. But they’ve asked you to come back-

H: Yeah

M: -again and again. And there’s been so many life changing stories off the back of it.

H: You know, it’s amazing.

M: Is it the story telling? is that it? Is that the secret?

H: Yeah, well for the book. I just wrote all the stories out and Penguin Random House my publishers were just so happy with it. But then we had to go the players and say are you happy with this? And like, 90% of them said no. So there’s only a few left of them in the book, but one that’s left in the book is a beauty. It’s Nick Riewoldt, a legend from St. Kilda football club and he’s a friend now and I love him dearly. He’s a great person and I’ve always looked up to him immensely. I remember the first time I turned up to St. Kilda Footy Club. I was sitting down as the players were walking in, I was sitting next to the guy who organised the talk from the club and Nick went up to him and said,

“I don’t have to be here for this do I?”

And the well-being officer said “I would love it if you were.”

And he said “Mate, I don’t have time and I’d rather spend time on the massage table or see the physio.”

And he said “No, it’s compulsory.”

“I don’t want to do this.”

And then the guy said, by the way, this is Hugh here, he’s doing the talk.

“No offence mate. I don’t need to hear this stuff.”

Or words to that effect.

M: Mm hmm.

H: He was very, he was polite but he was also quite blunt. And they said “No, you have to stay.” And I remember two, maybe five. No it would have been five minutes in. I remember looking up and I saw him, he was in the back row and he had tears and his face, streaming down his face and his hat over his face and he couldn’t look up. And after a while he looked up and teammates would just pat him on the back during the talk. And it was, like, it was storytelling, like he was so engaged and the story is quite emotional, but the other thing that is so important is, with these guys is humour. They have to laugh if they’re not laughing they don’t want to be there.

And there’s nothing more rewarding and exciting than a room full of 45 very manly men, like this uproarious laughter you get when you… There’s a few go to gags or stories that I’ve got that get them every single time. There was one club I was at and they didn’t laugh at all. It was unbelievably awkward. So I had this big pause for laughter.

M: [Laugh]

H: Ahh… No one’s laughing here.

M: That was akward.

H: But yeah, it’s great. You just, so what I do with these men, well this for everyone’s first session. For the first five minutes, I was trying to get people to laugh. I think, you know, laughter is the most… Not saying I have an incredible sense of humour I just know some funny stories that happened to me and sense of humour is a super power, making people laugh is a super power.

M: Mm hmm.

H: If they’re laughing for the first time, it means they want to be there, they’re happy being there. You resonate with them, they kind of like you and go, ‘Yeah, I like this person, I’m happy to hear them and what he’s got to say. But you see it happening the first time, I see them going for it. And it’s not just, I had a group of magistrate, um judges from magistrates, like just the other, like on Friday, and I could see their [faces], like it was on zoom. But I could see the look on their faces of like, ‘how long is this going on for? I can’t believe I’m sitting here.’ And five minutes in I could see them going, because all of them are facing side on like pretending, they’re all like typing, pretending they were listening.

M: Ha, ha ha.

H: They were going [pretending] And five minutes in they were all leaning forward, they closed computer screens or whatever it is and they’re in and all I’ve done, I hadn’t talked about well-being, I hadn’t talked about happiness, hadn’t talked about gratitude and mindfulness you save that part ‘til you’ve got them. Like, a sense of humour. Laugh, laughter and storytelling is everything. I listen to lots of people talk about this stuff, these topics. A lot of people, a lot of people out there talking about this stuff, which is fantastic, the more the merrier. The ones I enjoy listening to most of the ones who make me laugh and the ones who tell a good story.

M: Do you think that is an Australian trait? Are we cynics by nature? And that’s why it’s that little bit harder to get engagement or is this worldwide that there is a resistance to a lot of this positive psychology, science and understanding?

H: No, I think it’s fair to say it’s quite an Australian thing. I go to New Zealand and even in New Zealand just across the, the… What is it?

M: Tasman.

H: Tasman, thanks.

M: [Laugh]

H: Across the beach to New Zealand. People were just in, I start talking, I don’t need to win people over. In America, oh my god, I was in America and I did, I was speaking to a college football team and I did my whole thing of, it’s such an Australian presentation like it’s really self-deprecating the first five minutes as well. I’m really self, I put myself down heaps. Australians don’t like thinking someone is like above them on a pedestal.

But the very fact that I’ve got a microphone that puts you on a pedestal and I try and get rid of that straight away. I’m just, like, ‘no I’m just like you guys.’

M: Mm hmm.

H: There’s like 80 people in an American football team. So I walk in there, they’re listening to hip hop music and dancing as I walked in, I was like, woah, these guys are pumped and I started speaking and I’m doing this putting myself down and saying I was terrible at sport, I can’t relate to you guys, you’re unbelievable blah, blah, blah. This guy stood up and goes “Hey, man, believe in yourself. You can do it!”

M: [Laugh] That would never happen here.

H: Yeah. In my head I’m like, nah I do believe in what I’m doing now. “I’m fine” I said. And then I said “guys try and model failure. I’ll probably stuff up that many times” and this guy goes, “Man, come on. Confidence is a blessing. You’ve gotta be confident in your ability.” And I was like, ‘Oh my God, this is not gonna work here’

M: [Laugh]

H: And it just didn’t work in the States because my style is so self-deprecating and I try to be so humble and like, ‘Hey, I’m not being anyone else, I’m just like you’, didn’t work in America.

M: Mm hmm.

H: So, I think it is a really Australian thing, like I have to spend the first five minutes of… huh it’s probably more males as well.

M: Mm hmm.

H: Like a group I worked with called Mecca, Mecca cosmetics. All females, oh they were wonderful like, I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. They were just like ‘we’ll hear what you have to say.’ But if I get a group of males, the first five minutes is like I’ve got to impress them and make them realise have to listen to me otherwise we’re not getting anywhere here. So in my experience of speaking overseas, you know, like in India, oh they love it, like absolutely love it.

M: Yep.

H: So, yeah, I think Australians are naturally a lot more cynical. I don’t know why we’re like that. I don’t know what it is, but we’re definitely more cynical here.

M: So look, I’m just going to point out and just leave this here that also men’s mental health is probably a lot worse and we’re coming to realise that men’s mental health is a really significant problem and suicide rates with men are much higher than women have been for quite a while. So just going to leave that there?

H: Yes.

M: I’m not implying causation or anything like that.

[Laughter]

H: It’s a fascinating one, like I’ll never forget this presentation I did up in a country town called Clermont, Claremont, I think it’s about four hours west of Townsville. It’s a mainly a beef cattle farming land, and I mean the suicide rates have been horrendous. And the pharmacist, a lovely guy, he is the local pharmacist he organised for me to go and speak in the community. And I said, “How are you going to get all these men to come?” Because there had been all those suicides for men and he said, “We’ll have it at the pub and we’ll call it like I don’t know, Jugs and Jocks night. I’ll provide all the jugs [of beer] if they come, they’re allowed of a jug free if they turn up and we’ll just wear jocks. And I said “Look, man, I’m not doing that.”

M: [Laugh]

H: A part of the thing didn’t work. He wore jocks and everything else, All the old blokes were like I’m not doing that. So every else wore their pants, except for him. But they got a free jug at the pub and a free meal if they came along and he said, and he said, “Oh, I’m inviting a bloke along who’s mates with Billy Slater and he’s mates with Johnathan Thurston, and he wants to tell us a few yarns and I was like, This is really fascinating. I got there, there’s 250 men there and he couldn’t believe it he was so pumped.

M: Mm hmm

H: I could hear them all going “What the f? Who’s he going to talk? What’s he talking about?” And so I realised I had about… and they’ve been drinking for about an hour when I got up there, 250 men, a crowded pub and I thought, ‘I reckon I’ve got two minutes to get these blokes, when they realised what I’m talking about here it’s going to be over.’ And all I did was put myself down for the first two minutes and tell a story about a massive stuff up when I was doing this job is and they were in. And they loved it, and it was just, the feedback we got was just… We get invited back there every year to speak to them again. These men who have never, ever talked about this stuff before, and I had men hanging around for hours. I was there till one in the morning, with men just saying, like they couldn’t actually talk like they’d try.

M: Mm hmm.

H: Not, not because they’d been drinking, because the topic was so foreign to them.

M: Yep.

H: But it was so raw, like depression was just through the roof, and these men saying “oh, mate I am…” Typically might just want to say something like just we said before that depression and sh*t and they’d start crying and they’d be like “Ah, I can’t talk about it,” and sort of walk off.

M: Yep

H: But we actually, can’t actually even talk about it in some communities, and it’s too hard like, but we feel it. We feel it deeply. And um.

M: Yep.

H: That was one of the greatest programs I’ve ever been a part of. We just as men, we find it so foreign.

M: Yeah, even just having the words, I think there’s a great study that was released last week in Melbourne. I’ll have to find it and put it in our show notes. So there’s some university people that have done work in primary schools to give the students the words to communicate their feelings.

H: That’s amazing, amazing yeah.

M: Yeah, and they’ve had some great, so positive psychology interventions, they’ve had some great results there with just people or with the kids just being able to vocalise what’s happening a lot easier.

H: Yeah, absolutely.

M: Even before Covid we we’re seeing rises in anxiety, stress, depression, loneliness, burn out, every year it feels like there’s a new syndrome or disease that that we’re adding to the laundry list of things.

H: Mmm.

M: What steps do you think we need to take in Australia to start to reverse the trend?

H: Whatever we can do to get to kids at a young age, to teach them preventative skills rather than sitting at the other end going okay, well, let’s have things in place for people and they become depressed or they become anxious or suicidal. There’s some… We need to put more money into prevention and whatever we can do to provide emotionally engaging programs for kids that teach them how to deal with stuff when, when things go wrong, basically. And I, I think any program that teaches kids how to deal with stuff when things go wrong. Any programme that teaches kids that they are worthy as they are. I mean, one of the issues with schooling system, we had a podcast recently we had a guy on called Will  McMahon, who’s won half of Will and Woody, the radio duo, incredible radio duo.

M: Mm hmm.

H: And he went to a private school and he was saying it’s just destroyed him going to private school because he has so hard wired in his head that to be happy, he has to be successful and to be successful has to achieve heaps. And this model has just undone him because he feels like he’s always chasing [success]. He will succeed in something that is going to succeed in something else because at school it was like everything you did you’re rewarded with like these badges on your blazer and like different groups you were captains of and you had to be achieving, and if you achieved, you got your name on the walls and everything’s about achievement, he said, “it’s the undoing of me and all my friends, like we all are still chasing those achievements to be happy. Yet even when we achieve them, we realise we’re not happy.

M: Mm hmm.

H: So I think any program that teaches kids that they are worthy as they are, they don’t have to be the smartest person, the richest person, the funniest, the best sports person, most… Programs that teach kids that you are worthy as you are right now. You’re worthy -when I say worthy, I mean worthy of love and worthy of belonging as you are right now, they’re vital. Any program that teach kids that things will go wrong in your life but when they do hear some things you can do. I think that’s I think that’s where we’ve got to start.

But gosh, you’re right. Trends are going the wrong way. So what we’re doing right now is not working for the masses.

M: So for those of us who are well and truly out of school, [laugh].

H: Mm hhm.

M: Can I ask you to maybe leave us with one tip or one piece of advice? Something tangible that people can do in their lives to bring more happiness or resilience?

H: I would… The most simple thing to do, I think, in order to experience more joy and positive emotion, that’s what creates resilience. So that’s why I’m bring this up. But I think that the easiest thing to do a really practical one, is just to write down three things every day that went well for you. Not three things that have been life changing, not three things you’re grateful for because that’s impossible to keep that up every day and not get bored.

What are three things that went well for you today?

Had a nice coffee.

You saw the sunrise.

Had a nice text message for a friend.

Whatever it is. If you do that every single day, you actually physically rewire your brain to start scanning the world for the positives. And that makes you a happier person. And it’s something you look forward to. Write it in a note pad next your bed, in a journal, on the shower screen door. However you want to do it, totally up to you. But what you’ll find is you’ll start to experience more moments of joy, and you’ll be more aware of them as they happen, which is a really nice starting point for all this stuff.

M: Great. On that note thank you so much for your time. How can people find out more about you and your book?

H: So just if you type in the Resilience Project, I think the first thing that comes up is actually the book. You can order the book online via our website, but there’s also it’s in all book stores around the country, and the audio book is, I actually did, I narrated the audiobook myself, because I felt like they were my stories so it had to be me. It took a very long time, it was very difficult to do so please go and check that out cause it took so long to do it.

M: [Laugh]

H: But that seemed to be a popular version of consuming the book, the audio book. But if you like reading it’s in all good bookstores and probably not good ones as well-

[Laughter]

H: -all around the country at the moment, so yes, that’s probably the best way to do it. Any other stuff on the resilience project, just go to the website and it’s all, it’s all there. I’m just checking. I should have checked at the start, I was checking you’ve pressed the record button? It say’s record on the top here.

M: [Laugh]

H: I think we’re good.

M: It is flashing, [laugh], we won’t be doing a take three, I promise.

[Laughter]

M: Well, thank you so much for your time, a second time [laugh].

H: Pleasure, absolute pleasure.

M: And have a good day.

H: You too, Marie. Thank you so much, bye.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article Words That Can Change Your Mindset, listen to our Podcast Why You Need to Develop Your Emotional Literacy (E42)

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: empathy, gratitude, happiness, mindfulness, resilience, wellbeing

How to Build Your Resilience With Mindfulness and Meditation

19/08/2020 by Marie

How to Take Control of Your Emotions During COVID – the Link Between Resilience and Meditation

The pandemic has had a negative impact on the mental health and resilience of many people around the world. It has brought uncertainty and fear that has understandably led to higher levels of anxiety, depression, stress and more low moods.

A recent Webster University study unsurprisingly showed that “Even the people who reported high subjective happiness and little stress and low moods were struggling during the lockdown.”

However, this study showed (yet again) that some people were weathering the pandemic better than others; and these people are practicing positive psychology interventions. Although participants who completed the positive psychology interventions did not report an increase in happiness levels, they were more likely to avoid the depression, anxiety and low moods that others felt due to the pandemic.

If you’re experiencing mild depression or low moods, and want to boost your resilience, then introducing positive psychology interventions — such as mindfulness and meditation — into your routine might be what you need.

NOTE: Studies show that positive psychology interventions can help you stay in a better mood and feel happier overall. However, positive psychology interventions will not replace professional support for people who have clinical issues.

What are Mindfulness and Meditation?

Let’s start at the beginning. There is a link between resilience and meditation and mindfulness, but what do they all mean?

Mindfulness is about slowing down, being present and having greater awareness and intention in the moment. Mindfulness is often confused with the practice of meditation – which is a deeper version of mindfulness. Meditation is more than a moment or state of mind, it’s an action that takes time and is more formal, often requiring sitting down for a length of time.

Both mindfulness and meditation are proven to reduce stress, and both focus on calming your mind down. They both teach us not to eliminate thoughts, but to recognise them. Give weight to them. Acknowledge them and finally to let them go. In fact, letting go is one of the hardest things for a mind to do, but it is also fundamental to the practice of mindfulness.

Both these practices have become far more mainstream in the last couple of decades. According to Bill Gates, “For years, I was a sceptic about meditation. Now I do it as often as I can—three times a week if time allows. At a time when we all could use a few minutes to de-stress and re-focus each day, this [Headspace app] is a great place to start.”

Yet, even today there remain a lot of sceptics (myself included!). So, here is the science…

Build Resilience With Meditation and Mindfulness

The research all supports the premise that you can build your resilience with mediations and mindfulness.

There is a large body of research from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) programs at the University of Massachusetts. It shows that people who practice mindfulness increase the size and function of their pre-frontal cortex, the area of the brain where we do decision making and long-term planning. Quite simply, this means mindfulness is great for your brain. Increases in the density of grey matter lead to better mind agility and help with memory, attention skills and decision making.

Research has found that it only takes eight weeks of mindfulness meditation to boost your immune system. Additional physical health benefits include improved sleep quality, and mindful eating has been shown to help fight obesity. It is great at improving positive emotions, while reducing negative emotions and helping to fight stress, depression, anxiety and burnout.

If you’re still not convinced, then consider that the research is so overwhelmingly definitive that over the past decade, mindfulness has permeated the domain of the sceptic: the corporate office. Many ‘suits’ now use mindfulness to help deal with the day to day demands of today’s hectic office environment and prevent burnout.

Mindfulness is also now being taught in schools around the world to help kids improve their mental strength, resilience, emotional control and concentration. In 2019, England announced one of the largest trials in the world. They have up to 370 schools teaching techniques to promote good mental health, such as mindfulness exercises, relaxation techniques and breathing exercises. Recently studies have shown that learning to teach mindfulness to kids helps teachers reduce their own stress, which also benefits the kids.

Practicing Mindfulness and Meditation

There are countless ways to bring mindfulness or meditation into your life and build resilience. As with all things, it’s about finding the right fit for you. Here are some ways to practice mindfulness or meditation.

Being mindful is about stopping and being in the moment. You can do it in many ways, such as:

  • Mindful Eating: This has gained popularity with weight loss experts in recent years. It amounts to ensuring that you focus on and savour every mouthful of food. Put away all distractions during meals — no phone or TV — and take small bites of food, one at a time. Focus on the taste and texture of the food, and savour it.
  • Enjoy Nature: Go for a walk through your neighbourhood. Truly take the time to appreciate even the smallest blade of grass. Look all around you and explore your surroundings with fresh eyes. Sit on a bench and focus on the sights, sounds and smells around you.
  • Being Grateful: Every evening before bed, grab a notebook and write down three things you’re grateful for from the day. Spend time thinking about why you’re grateful and how it makes you feel.

As mentioned earlier, mediation is a bit more structured, but there are many types of meditation you can try, such as:

  • Breathing: This is the most well-known and focuses on taking deep breaths in and out.
  • Body Scanning: This is where you focus on each body part starting at the top and working your way down.
  • Loving-Kindness: This is where you focus on cultivating feelings of goodwill, kindness and compassion.

The Greater Good Science Center has a range of tips and resources to help you understand all the various practices and research and can help you find the right fit with the right benefits you’re after. Or you can take a look at the below apps or books to get you started on your mediation journey.

Top Meditation Apps for Beginners

If you’ve still got questions and aren’t sure where to start, then an app might be the best start for you.

Headspace: Headspace is a guided meditation and mindfulness app for stress, anxiety, sleep, focus, fitness, and more. The app provides hundreds of guided meditations, on several different topics, with new topics every day. The app also features sleep sounds; tutorial animations; a meditation progress tracker; and exercises that are designed for children.

Calm: This leading app for meditation and sleep promises better sleep, lower stress, and less anxiety. The app provides guided sessions on topics ranging from calming anxiety to gratitude to mindfulness at work—as well as sleep sounds, nature sounds, and breathing exercises.

10% Happier: The Ten Percent Happier app helps you discover guided meditations and practical teachings you can carry anywhere. Designed specifically for sceptics, this app has expert teachers walk you through the basics, one breath at a time

Great Books on Meditation

The Headspace Guide to Meditation and Mindfulness, by Andy Puddicombe. Andy’s book and the app he created, Headspace, are what made Bill Gates a convert. Andy is a former Buddhist monk and his book offers lots of helpful metaphors to explain potentially tricky concepts in meditation.

10% Happier, by Dan Harris. After a panic attack on live TV, ABC news anchor Dan Harris had to make some changes. Harris recounts his journey from sceptic to meditator in his #1 New York Times bestselling book.

Remember that a positive psychology intervention is only going to work if it’s the right fit for you, so why not find something that works for you and give it a go!


Related reading: The Secret to Surviving Isolation

Don’t forget to subscribe for our monthly newsletter for more tips, freebies and subscriber-only content!

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: happiness, mindfulness, resilience, resiliency, wellbeing

The Power of Meditation (E9)

15/03/2020 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, we look at the ancient practice of meditation and its ties to happiness. Pete shares his knowledge and some research, while Marie cracks jokes and pretty much contributes nothing to the conversation.


Transcription

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton. I’m a writer and speaker focused on change and resilience. My co-host is Peter.

P: Hey there, I’m Peter Furness. I’m a believer in crystals, purveyor of energetic connections and saviour of chubby unicorns.

M: Nice [laugh]

P: Each week we bring you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology otherwise known as happiness. Marie has a blog.

M: I do, you can find me at marieskelton.com and there’s a whole lot of resources there for you on how to be happy.

P: Awe… Such a nice concept.

M: Yeah, [laugh] it is. It is, anyway. So today, today’s all about you, Peter, because today’s episode is about meditation.

P: Where’s my gong and my singing bowl?

M: So this –

P: – I really should have brought my gong and my singing bowl.

M: [Laugh]

P: That would have been a great intro!

M: I’m sure we can work that out, you know post production.

[Laughter]

P: Can we add that in later that would be so cool. I have three.

M: Done

[Gong – singing bowl – happy music]

M: Okay. And we’re back. And they were talking about meditation, so we’re going to have a little bit of a different format today. Meditation is so far out of my comfort zone.

P: [Laugh]

M: My understanding on meditation is that it’s on a spectrum. On one end, you’ve got mindfulness, which is putting your phone down at the dinner table, and then you move in to beginners learning how to sit on the cold, hard floor with their legs crossed. To, what normal people can do when they practise after years and years of meditating? And then you’ve got that weird, shave my head and take a vow of silence and sit on a mountaintop and meditate for days and days on end. That’s the other end of the spectrum.

P: It’s like the elite sports level of meditation.

M: Yeah. So that’s my very naive understanding off the mindfulness to meditation spectrum.

P: Right.

[Laughter]

M: Which is why today and in today’s episode we’re going to do more of a Q and A with Pete, because this is definitely more your domain of expertise.

P: Have you ever meditated Marie? Have you ever sat down and actually consciously meditated?

M: No one would want to sit quietly with my mind Peter.

P: [Laugh]

M: The answer is no.

P: So this is the interesting thing about people’s perceptions of meditation on what it is versus actually what it can be. I find quite interesting, it is a bit of a Pandora’s Box once you open up the concept of meditation you go ‘Oh my god! I’m going [through] the looking glass.’ It’s a really broad subject, everybody has their own interpretation of it and even the scholars all differ on their interpretations and understanding and meanings of meditation.

M: So we’ll park. As I said, I’ve got a very broad and basic understanding. We’re going to park mindfulness for another episode and focus purely on meditation today.

P: That’s good because the two are not necessarily the same.

M: Again for another time, I’m keen to just start us off so that we’re all on the same page on your understanding, your definition for meditation.

P: Right, so there are a couple of definitions that I do like. The most simplistic one that I like is meditation is a method for acquainting our mind with virtue.

M: That’s why it’s not for me… virtue?

P: [Laugh] So again virtue has many different connotations in and of itself, but when we talk about virtue in the context, we’re talking about that moral compass. We’re talking about the good things, the responsible things, the acolytes that we aim to aspire to. So we’re trying to get in touch with that in terms of where acquainting our minds with when we try to meditate. That’s the end goal I guess in a way, it’s the reason behind it.

There are other people that talk about different kinds of meditation and what it is. It’s a tool for happiness. Now, we, the concept of meditation, making you happy. Yes, it does. There is a little bit of science around this. Happiness is hard wired. It’s genetic in our brains, people who are happy have more frontal lobe activity. So meditation is a way of quieting the mind so that you can actually access some more of that frontal lobe activity. Because meditation stimulates the same cortex’s in the brain. And scientists have talked about this briefly.

Psychology today actually talks about it as a stronger mental practise that has the power to reset your happiness set point. And that happiness set point is that frontal lobe activity of the brain so meditation can access that it can start to train your brain to access that area a little bit more, thus leading to more happiness or the ability to experience more happiness.

M: OK fine…

P: [Laugh] Did I just get you with a scientific quote there?

M: Yes, yes!

P: Ha ha! See it’s not all gong’s and whistles. [Laugh]

M: Maybe, maybe. We’ll see. Anyway, let’s, let’s, let’s maybe start with how you got into this. So how did you begin practising meditation and why did you get into it?

P: I guess I got involved with Eastern Philosophy when I started University. I was very dissatisfied with the Christian experience and so I was still understanding of the need for some spiritually exploration for myself and managed to access a little bit of Tao-ism and a little bit of Buddhism through some very basic books that I found when I was in that second year at university. It’s also the time when I started spending some time alone, which we talked about in another episode and having quiet time at the end of the day and for me it came about from my practise of needing to be a little bit more… actually it came through yoga in a way. I was discovering the need for stretching and downtime and the physicality of yoga but then through that I also got access to the philosophy of yoga which is Indian, a classic Indian … principal. So those practises of being still with the mind and quieting became part of my daily routine. So I go home at the end of the day, I put a little candle in the window in my … flat and watch the sunset and do an hour of yoga.

M: I was in the pubs.

P: [Laugh]

M: My University days were very different from yours.

P: [Still laughing]

M: There was beer o’clock on Wednesdays and then Thursday night was Uni night and then there’s the usual Friday, Saturday, so very different.

P: I was ohm-ing and chanting and playing meditative gong music… [Laugh]

M: Whatever works for you.

P: [Laugh]

M: So you came from a country upbringing, Christian, came to university in the big city looking for something a bit different.

P: uh huh.

M: If I’m going to paraphrase your story here, and discovered yoga and then from there meditation. So what benefits has it given you?

P: Well that’s a big question. I think the big thing about meditation is quieting the mind so when you meditate it’s not about stilling the mind, you know people say ‘think of nothing, empty your mind.’ Emptying your mind is bad. It is not good. And I really like Gelong Thubten’s interpretation of meditation, in terms of thinking of your brain like a highway. So you’ve got lots of traffic, got lots of cars going to and forth. If you stop the flow of thought. If you stop your mind being active, traffic’s gonna jam. There’s going to be a backup of traffic. There’s going to be problems. There’s not going to be a transfer of thought processes going through and you’re going to miss a whole heap of stuff because the traffic’s backed up.

It’s more about bringing your attention to each individual car on that highway and allowing it to pass through. So you’re not necessarily stilling your mind. You’re allowing each thought to come up. You’re recognising it and then letting it go. In terms of being aware of that you’re trying to be bringing in mindfulness, so bringing in that mindful state of going ‘I see that car, I see that thought and I will let it go. And then you’re trying to make me focus on the awareness of thoughts that you need, the awareness of thoughts that you want to retain and the awareness of thoughts that you want to let through and just let them keep going.

M: So in a way are you practising reinforcing positive thoughts and dismissing negative thoughts is that part of meditation?

P: I believe it is. It definitely was from my experience, because it’s initially it was all about the negative thoughts and focusing on those negative thoughts and going ‘Oh, I’ve really got to address that!’ and that’s a lot of anxiety and stress around that, whereas the more reading I did about meditation, the more I understood about allowing that balance and flow to come through. But allowing my mind for a little while to focus on the nice thinks the positive things, the things that brought me quiet smiles, gentle thoughts the things that would make me unwind from my anxiety. [Whispering] Which were pretty great when I was only 21 years old.

[Laughter]

P: Just saying [laugh]

M: In all fairness millennials are struggling there’s an epidemic of anxiety. Our younger generations, we’re putting so many pressures on them nowadays that, you know, you and I didn’t have and out parents definitely didn’t have growing up and they’re anxious. So maybe meditation is something we should be talking about more.

P: Again we’re coming back to the Scandinavian example of instilling meditation into schools. Even at the ripe, young age of infancy school, there are certain schools and business, uh, organisations out there that are instilling meditation. There’s a wonderful example of one in China I think [actually Baltimore] it was where instead of having detention they introduce meditation.

M: Oh, I think I’ve seen that one.

P: Yes, it’s about changing the story, changing the process. You’re being punished because you did something wrong. Whereas they’re going, no let’s investigate the reasons behind why you’re acting in this way. It’s a game changer, it changes our awareness. And I think in this case, the millennials, I think this is something we really need to explore. We’re more conscious, we’re sifting through information now than we’ve ever done. It’s important to maybe be more aware of how we interpret that information, why we’re interpreting certain bits of it than others.

M: And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a closer look at your own feelings. I know that there’s a lot of work right now in the men’s mental health space, particularly older generations who have traditionally been told, buck up and suck it up and don’t express emotions. And they keep sucking it up until they explode. And they either explode in anger or violence or both. And it’s not healthy, we know that now.

P: And I think anger and violence is very often turned on themselves. The suicide rate for rural men has been alarmingly high. I think, in America and in Australia, that example of clocking that and … the governments are investing money into mental health of people who are in isolated areas making sure that they have support, that they’ve got access to phone lines, medical support and the mate-ship factor. It was the pubs, in the country pubs it’s where you, upended you’re feelings, it was a safe place for blokes to go ‘Geez mate the crops are bad, the wife’s giving me hell.’ You talk things out.

M: I love you being a country man.

[Laughter]

M: A country bloke!

P: [Laugh] I spent my childhood years with my father driving around the western/ sub-western areas of NSW and Dad always pulled into the pub. That’s his way of dealing with the monotony of things and maybe getting some thought processes out, he didn’t have a counsellor or anything he could talk to. It was over a beer at the pub.

M:  And that sounds like meditation might be another tool that people could use to become more aware of their internal monologue and their feelings and their emotions and maybe short circuit the traditional way they’ve dealt with that.

P: Yep.

M: Just to bottle it until they can’t.

P: Yep, absolutely.

M: [Chipper voice] So Pete,

P: [Laugh]

M: There are various types of meditation, right? Can you tell us about that?

P: [Laugh] Oh my god, you sound like an infomercial. Yes there are. So I’m gonna try and make it really simple.

M: Please do. This is all over my head.

P: Yeah, I’m going to make it really simple about the two different types. There’s Analytical and Placement meditation.

So Analytical meditation is where we’re contemplating the meaning of the text. So we’re looking at a spiritual text such as the Bible or something, the Koran [Quran], something that a Taoist monk has said so we’re looking at a sentence and going we’re going to focus on the meaning behind that sentence. That’s analytical meditation, taking a text and interpreting it, so meditation upon that and all the different areas on that.

M: So it’s like Bible study by yourself?

P: Yep, you could put it that way.

M: Yep, alright with you… next?

P: [Laugh] which then leads to Placement meditation. Now Placement meditation is possibly where most people think meditation is it’s the cause of a specific virtuous state of mind to arise. It’s a very complex sentence. We’re allowing a state of mind to come forth. So we’re not thinking of a text, we’re not thinking of don’t do wrong by your neighbour. We’re allowing that analytical faze to give way to a much more subtle faze where we’re allowing thoughts and certain things to drop in, so it might be ‘I really shouldn’t pinch the roses out of my neighbours garden.’

M: [Snort] Is that a habit of yours?

P: Well… no, no.

M: For me, I know I would sit down and it would be ‘Oh! that’s what I should have said yesterday when I was fighting with my colleague.’ Darn it! Right?

P: [Laugh]

M: Or when my boss told me to do that, have a perfect come back now.

P: Yeah.

M: Those are the things I ruminate on in the shower, generally.

[Laughter]

M: Next time, next time!

P: I think if we take that case and point that could be your analytical meditation. So ‘I should have said this. I should have done this.’ If you can sit with that for a little while, quietly allowing your thoughts and those vehicles to pass through. You actually might find yourself thinking about the reasons behind why that conversation happened in the first place. ‘Could I have actioned something earlier than that to avoid this situation?’ And that’s more that placement meditation I’m talking about where you’re allowing the thoughts to come and go, and you’re picking out the ones that are relevant, all the ones that are going to lead to a better action, a more heightened state, more frontal lobe activity, more happiness.

M: So we’re coming to the end of the podcast. For our listeners. How would you advise getting started on practising some basics of meditation?

P: Meditate badly…

M: Ok, I like it.

P: He, he. It’s really hard to do meditation. It’s like running a marathon you don’t just get up one morning and decide you’re going to run 42kms, you can’t, it’s not possible, you are going to hurt yourself. So Meditation’s exactly the same, it’s about starting small and making the smallest little step towards that 42kms mark.

So that means one minute.

M: So, go sit on the floor, cross your legs for a minute and close your eyes.

P: Turn off the tv, silence the radio, sit down for one minute with your thoughts and don’t let anything interrupt you. That means locking the cat in the bathroom.

[Laughter]

P: Not allowing your kids to run in. It’s got to be one minute and you’ll find that it’s actually quite difficult to then go to 2, then 3, 4 and 5 that becomes that’s a forward goal.

M: Do you set an egg timer?

P: Absolutely.

M: I would spend that minute counting seconds [Laugh].

P: I guess that’s the thing. It takes you, it takes you more than a minute to quiet the mind, and quiet in the mind is a pathway to the meditative state that we are seeking. So before we even get to that state, before we even get to running, we’ve got to walk out the door and put our training shoes on. It’s exactly the same with meditation we’ve got to feel comfortable in our sitting on the floor, cross legged. It could be sitting on the couch. It could be sitting in your favourite chair, but it’s about bringing that mindful state and then accessing that state where you slow the traffic and that can take a good four weeks of attempts to try and get there. And once you can achieve that, then you can start going ‘right that was two minutes of quality meditative time there, let’s see if I can expanded that to five over the next two weeks.

M: OK. I’m going to ask a few beginners questions. There’s no such thing as a dumb question. Just remember that?

P: No [meaning yes]

M: Okay, what’s with the crossing the legs. Do you have to do that?

P: No

M: Do you have to close your eyes?

P: No

M: Do you have to sit on the floor?

P: No

M: Do you have to sit?

P: Being still, is helpful to bring awareness to your brain and to your mind so you can’t necessarily meditate when you’re on the treadmill. Although my initial experience of meditation was through the yoga, through doing physical activity and being in downward dog and noticing my breath now that was a pathway to able to access the stillness and then I used that when it came to actually sitting down. When you’re doing yoga practise, you finish with shavasana which is dead man’s corpse pose where you’re lying on the ground, on your back with your palms up, close your eyes and you’re just concentrating on your breath. You’ve done 45 minutes, you’ve done five minutes, you’ve done an hour and a half of a yoga class, that last pose is where the magic is because you quiet everything and you bring your awareness to that really calm, still point and that’s the meditative state where you can really focus on thoughts without being physical.

M: So last question for you before we sign off. For people who are just overwhelmed with life, we’ve got so much going on, we’ve all got busy lives at work and at home.

What is one tip for quieting the mind?

P: Don’t be judgmental. Do not be judgmental on yourself on your thought processes. There is another quote here that I’ll read out.

‘Meditation is about turning inwards and being able to observe all of your thoughts and bodily sensations without judgement.’

M: I think that’s a perfect place to end.

P: It is.

M: All right. Thanks for joining us today. If you want to hear more please remember to subscribe and like this podcast.

P: And go out and buy a singing bowl and have a little gong for me.

M: [Laugh] until next time. Bye

P: Bye

[Gong and singing bowl]

[Happy exit music]


Meet besties Marie and Pete

Marie and Pete

Marie Skelton is an Australian writer, speaker, and change and resiliency expert. She started her career in journalism before working in public affairs and then specialising in organisational and culture change for some of the world’s largest tech and financial services companies, both in Australia and the U.S. She also played volleyball for Australia and on scholarship at a D1 university in the U.S. and she captained the NSW Women’s Volleyball team in the Australian Volleyball League.

Following a motorbike accident that nearly took her life, and leg, she began researching change and resiliency to find out how people cope with major life changes and why some people are really good at dealing with whatever life throws at them, while others struggle. She is passionate about mental health and writes about how to cope with today’s Change Storm and maintain mental wellness.  

Marie and Pete

Peter Furness is just plain awesome. He loves unicorns and champagne. Pete is the owner of Max Remedial, and a qualified remedial therapist and has worked all over the world with professional athletes, dancers, sporting organisations and medical professionals. Peter’s practice is influenced by his interest in Eastern philosophy and he works closely with Chinese and Ayurvedic practitioners, approaching the body from the principles of ancient medicine.

Peter has practiced Asstanga Yoga for 20 years and combines these principles with his approach to health.

Peter was also an award-winning contemporary dancer in Australia and in the UK. 

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: meditation, mindful, mindfulness

5 Easy Projects to Rediscover Your Christmas Spirit

18/12/2019 by Marie

Life’s busy, and it gets even more busy toward the end of the year. As the calendar switches to December, the demands on our time seem to double overnight. From the catch-ups with old colleagues and office Christmas parties, to trying to get something personal and meaningful (and appropriately priced) for everyone on your list, to trying to tie up everything at work while planning travel arrangements for the family, while juggling the usual life to-do list. Quite simply, it can all just be a bit much, and what should be a happy time of year with friends and family can turn into a burden to ‘get through’ as quickly as possible so life can return to normal.

It’s a shame though. Consumerism aside, there are so many good things about the Christmas holidays, regardless of your faith. It teaches gratefulness and giving, and it strengthens social connection, which are all scientifically proven to increase your happiness and mental wellbeing.

Christmas is also the perfect time to dust off those craft supplies, or buy some new ones, and immerse yourself in an activity for a few hours while creating something for others.

The good news is that it doesn’t take much to re-centre yourself and start feeling those Christmas happy vibes. In positive psychology, the state of flow, coined by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi in 1975, is when a person is fully immersed in performing an activity that gives them a feeling of energized focus, full involvement and enjoyment in the process of the activity.

So, find your flow! Here are five easy and cheap homemade gift ideas to help you find your Christmas mojo and rediscover your appreciation of the festive season.

Self-Care Box

gift basket

If you have friends who are going through a tough time, or who might have to spend Christmas alone, what better way to show you care than making them a self-care box. Charleigh at Charleighwrites recently posted a few ideas you could try.

Mason Jars Succulent Box

Why not build a box filled with a selection of budding plants. This versatile gift will brighten up someone special’s place or it’s also a relatively safe gift for someone you don’t know well. LifeStorageBlog has a great tutorial for making these, and it’s a great way to reuse old glass jars.

Flavoured Vodka

Throughout the year, keep all your empty glass bottles and jars so you can make some flavoured vodka gifts bottles. These are great as economical thank you gifts during the festive season for all those parties you’ll be going to! Make sure you also create your own bespoke label for your new vodka inventions, so people know what’s in there. Check out this GoodFood article for tips.

Scented Candles

Candles are another easy and cheap project you can tackle to create a personalised present for someone these holidays. Just pop into your local craft or hobby store or go online to buy the ingredients and supplies. All you need is a few leftover crayons from the kids to colour the wax, or about 10 to 15 drops of essential oil per pound of solid wax for fragrance. Watch this great video from Jami Ray Vintage with some insider tips to help first-timers.

Christmas Cookies

Nothing says homemade Christmas present like a plate of Christmas cookies. This is a great activity that you can also do with family and the kids, with everyone getting to express their creative side while decorating the cookies. Check out I Am Baker’s list of the 40 best Christmas Cookies for inspiration.

Do you have other ideas for activities to get into the Christmas spirit? Let us know below!

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: Christmas, DIY, gift ideas, gifts, happiness, homemade, inspiration, mindfulness, presents

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