Happiness for Cynics
This week, Marie and Pete discuss #1 New York Times bestseller
Transcript
M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on resilience.
P: And I’m Peter Furness. A love boat singer and seventies disco flare wearing backup dancer.
[Laughter]
P: Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.
M: So if you’re feeling low.
P: Or if you’re only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it.
M: Or maybe you just want more!
P: Then this is the place to be! [Sings] The love boat.
M: [Laugh] This week if you haven’t guessed we are talking about love languages and Pete has just played the Love Boat song, and sang along.
P: It’s so much fun. He he. Come on, sing it with me. You kind of expect, you know Barry White to come on. It’s kind of vibe.
M: That is Five seconds were allowed before we get fined.
P: Oh, Boo. It’s so much fun.
[Happy Intro Music]
M: Okay, So this week, we are talking about a book by Gary Chapman and a concept, Sorry. [Whispers] So much more than a book.
P: [Laugh]
M: It’s more than a book and I deliberately told Pete not to do any research on it.
P: I am completely open. I am an open… book. [Laugh]
M: So Gary Chapman wrote a book called ‘The Five Love Languages’, and … I’ve mentioned it multiple times because in Covid, you have really missed touch and I’ve told you multiple times, I think touch is your love language.
P: Right.
M: During, during the past 30 episodes, and you’ve… smiled and nodded and gone ‘Meh… OK’.
P: I trust you Muz, you know me so well.
M: [Laugh] so I think it’s about time we talked about love languages.
P: Ok, so what are love languages?
M: So, they are the parts of us that represent our emotional need for love. So when our love tanks are full, everything is good.
P: Ooh, ok.
M: But we all work on different types of fuel, and being filled up with the wrong fuel can leave us feeling empty or unfulfilled. But when you fill people up with the right fuel, the right love language, then they feel on top of the world they feel loved.
P: I feel like I’m ethanol number 10.
[Laughter]
M: Touch… it is the dirtiest.
P: [Laugh] I could say something that would be inappropriate. [Hysterical laughter] OK, alright… I like this idea, though, that everyone has their own, their own need and it’s about identifying that persons need to be able to fill up their well spring of love language that brings them to their highest point.
M: It makes them feel happy.
P: Yeah, I get that.
M: And loved. Actually loved and cared for.
P: That resonates very strongly with me.
M: Great. Tick.
P: I’m in, I’m in, I’m buying in Marie.
M: [Laugh]
P: I always buy in, who am I kidding.
M: One of the things that Chapman talks about is that at the beginning of a relationship, it’s a free for.
P: Mmm. Ok
M: You’ve got all the butterflies. Doesn’t matter what they’re doing. You’re all loving on each other. Honey moon phase.
P: Yeah. Fireworks are going off.
M: Yep.
P: Lady and the Tramp spaghetti moments.
M: Yep. Now, when this really makes a difference, is once you through that honeymoon phase, right.
P: Yep
M: So we’ll start with number one.
So the first love language is:
Words of Affirmation.
P: Are these love poems? Are these the things that you write to your partner and leave on pieces of paper randomly in books?
M: Yes, it is supportive and complimentary words that make them feel the most loved.
P: So when they ‘do I look fat in this dress’, you say ‘Yes, baby. I mean no, baby.
M: That would be just a normal conversation and a no brainer to say no.
P: Yeah, true.
M: I’m just gonna throw that out. So the people whose love language use words of affirmations seek for others to tell them positive things. That’s what makes them feel good about themselves it’s what makes them feel loved and cared for. So it’s not me, that’s not me.
P: Is this different to narcissism in terms of needing that to boost you up?
M: So there’s, there’s four others that we’ll get to in a second.
P: Alright, jumping the gun.
M: This is… No, no, no. Look, I think it’s a, it’s a fair question that could apply to any of the five, total.
P: Right, gotcha.
M: It is about what makes you feel special.
P: Okay.
M: All right?
P: Yeah.
M: And the person that you love, you want them to make you feel special. And sometimes this is more about, just like with so many other things have discussed, knowing yourself and more than that, knowing your partner and how you can make them feel special. But also them knowing what makes you feel special. Because if they’re talking to you in your wrong language.
P: It’s not registering.
M: They could be trying and trying and trying.
P: And you’re not recognising it, definitely.
M: And you feel unloved.
P: Okay. Yeah, I’m so with you. Okay.
M: All right.
P: Number two?
M: Number two:
Quality Time.
So these people, who, their love language is quality time, they require moments of undivided attention from their partners.
P: I definitely agree with that one. You need your me time with your partner.
M: And these people –
P: Date night, it’s date night.
M: Yes. It is Date night. And date night can’t be movie watching for these people.
P: Oh, right. It’s not quality time together.
M: Yes, quality is the key word there.
P: I got you, righto. That’s an easy one.
M: Okay. Number three:
Receiving Gifts.
P: Oohh…
M: And for these people, it’s not about the money, it’s the thought.
P: So buying a treasure trove of jewellery that you just give a box to every now and then, that doesn’t work.
M: I mean, look I’ll never say no to jewellery.
P: [Laugh] Wrapped in Tiffany’s?
M: Yes. I like diamonds.
[Laughter]
P: But it’s the thoughtfulness behind those sorts of gifts, the little things that you leave out or wake up one morning and there’s a gift.
M: Even the flowers that you picked from the neighbour’s yard.
P: Yeah.
M: But the fact that you picked a couple and stopped and thought my significant other would like this came home and presented it to them that, you know, if someone is a gift receiver, is there love language, then that will mean the world to that person.
P: It’s a bit like a cat bringing a dead mouse to your door. Is that, is that a gift?
M: Absolutely.
P: It’s the cat’s way of going ‘Here, I caught this for you. Here you go.’
M: It’s the thought.
P: Yeah, right.
M: So, actually, the funny thing is… someone whose love language is receiving gifts would see that from the cat and be completely touched by that.
P: Hhmm. I get it. I get that. I understand.
M: The rest of us would be like, eugghh..
P: [Laugh] Take it away.
M: All right. So number four is:
Acts of Service.
P: Oh, I’m a big one on this one.
M: Yep, so this is me.
P: Yeah?
M: The act of one partner doing things for the other person. So I have those ‘aawww moments’ when my husband has done a load of laundry and put it away when I get home.
P: Including picking up his socks?
[Laughter]
M: Yep and he’s bothered to pick up his socks off the floor. [Laugh]
P: It’s good that you register that.
[Laughter]
M: Or when I’m really busy at work and I’m running late and he puts dinner on without asking.
P: That, that was the next one that I was going to go to, like you come home and dinner is cooked for you. Who doesn’t go, ‘oh’ when you walk in and someone says here’s dinner, it’s a roast turkey.
M: Yep.
P: You know that that’s been effort put in, and that someone’s actually thought they’re going to be stressed, they’re gonna be hungry when they get home. I’m going to make dinner, and you walk in and there’s a candlelit table who wouldn’t go ‘oh’ over that?
M: So I need to get you to teach my husband about the candles and the turkey.
P: Problem is, if I did that, I’d probably end up coming over for dinner.
M: [Laugh] In a way, you both would have done an act of service that I would be grateful for.
P: This isn’t… I actually had a conversation with a friend of mine today. Over lunch about this exact point and he very freely volunteers the fact that he will make his lovers or his affectionate ones feel like a prince or a princess and He will absolutely go to all the ends of the Earth to do those sorts of things and make you feel like you are the most special person on Earth. He doesn’t want that in return.
M: And here’s the thing, is he projecting what he thinks they want on them and all they actually want is for him to say, ‘Jeez babe, you look hot’.
P: Possibly, possibly.
M: You know or if words of affirmation, you know, other things-
P: True.
M: – were your love language. So this is the next step I would say for him he might be displaying his love for others in a way that they’re not receiving [it].
P: I agree. Yes, definitely. And I’m big on that, but I think it’s, it’s an interesting trait of someone to be… And I think I fall into this as well, like I am very much am big on cooking dinner for someone ‘saying come over and I will massage you for the evening or, you know go two hours overtime when I really shouldn’t, which some of my Clients have said ‘I’ve got to be somewhere at seven thirty’ and I’ve said ‘Shut up and put your head on the table.
[Laughter]
P: You know, glasses of wine or whatever. Or that act of service, washing the car, cleaning out the bedroom.
M: Yep.
P: That sort of thing, they are expressions of service and if we don’t recognise those for the acts of love they are that’s a miscommunication. I like that one. Number four is me.
M: Woah, well, here’s number five which I think is you.
P: Yeah. Okay. This is a biggy.
M: So,
Physical Touch.
P: Yeah, definitely.
M: And it is recognised for its bonding effects for everyone. But for the person with this love language, physical touch is the supreme representation of love.
P: Guilty as charged, definitely.
M: It is snuggling and cuddling and holding hands and just having your hand on someone’s shoulder. Just being close and near to them, is this person’s love language.
P: Yeah, huge, definitely. Does it have to be giver or receiver?
M: What do you mean?
P: So if you’re a physical touch person, do you have to give or do you have to receive?
M: It’s your love language.
P: So it’s the way that you express it.
M: It’s the way that you need it to have your tank filled. So you need other’s physical touch.
P: You need physical touch, gotcha.
M: Which is why I think you were missing it and why your tank was low over the Covid isolation.
P: I’ll give you that, yep. Definitely. I was craving touch a lot. Actually, it was, it was difficult because I was very much separated from my friends who I get my physical touch from.
M: Mmm hhmm
P: I don’t have a partner and I’m very reliant on the affection of my friends. To give me those hugs, to slap me on the ass and you know, you know, even to give me a headlock or something like that, that’s physical touch. That’s expression of affection. And, yeah, I’m very dependent on that. And it was really difficult when Covid was in the height that I wasn’t getting any of that. It was really tough.
M: Yep, so that’s why multiple times I’ve said, I think physical touch is your love language Pete.
P: [Laugh]
M: And I think that’s why you missed it so much and why you were running on empty a bit from, a love perspective.
P: Yep, definitely.
M: Not that acts of service wouldn’t maybe, maybe you’re a hybrid?
P: No I –
M: Part electric? Part?
[Laughter]
P: I’m a Toyota Camry.
M: Part electric…
[Laughter]
M: Acts of Service a little bit with a lot of Physical Touch.
P: Well, I guess that’s what this is, what it comes down to. Can you be a blend of all three, all five of these? Or is there one that is the primary expression for you?
M: I think you could. I think, with all things there’s no black and white with any of this. But I think most people would go, ‘Yes, that’s me or these two are me.’ So I think you’d be more dominant. Definitely.
P: So it’s good to recognise that because then you can identify that if you are feeling that your tank is a bit low.
M: Well, I think like with so much of what we talked about, the reason it’s important is about understanding yourself and what makes you happy.
P: Yes.
M: And again so you can communicate with your partner. So I think a lot of miscommunication and not feeling loved can be avoided by understanding each other a little bit better. Having a conversation around what makes you feel loved.
P: Identifying which one of the five you are.
M: Yeah, and knowing that, I’m in acts of service person, but that might not be Francis, so I could do laundry until –
P: Francis being your husband.
M: Yes, and I could do laundry till the cows come home and feel really rejected that I’m not even getting a thank you for it and that Francis isn’t feeling loved because I keep picking up his socks.
P: [Laugh]
M: And I could let that really drive a wedge between us or we could have a conversation about how he likes to feel loved and we can split the laundry, and I can tell him he looks hot in his new jeans. That would be much easier than doing laundry all the time.
P: [Laugh] It’s also recognising that. So when you hear that that someone or you does an act of service like picking up their socks, you go aww they’re trying isn’t that nice.
M: Yep.
P: They’re trying to meet me on my love language.
M: Yes, absolutely.
P: Which could be really hard for some couples, I imagine. Or some relationships is meeting someone on their love language and if you’re not a physical person, but your partner is a physical touch love language. Woah that’s gonna be tough. It’s going to be hard.
M: Well, I think we all start relationships with the right intent, which is to make the other person happy. You want that at the beginning at least.
P: Ok. That’s, that’s an assumption. But Yes.
M: [Laugh] Ok. It’s a big assumption I guess.
P: Well it is because a lot of it’s about making us happy. You go into a relationship because you want them to make you feel happy.
M: All right, maybe we need to go down a different route, [Laugh] that is a whole other kettle of fish.
P: I’m sorry, I’m throwing spanners in the works here. [Laugh]
M: Yeah, so I think that, I think what you give to a person comes back to you.
P: Oh, I completely agree. Yep, yep definitely.
M: So if you’re aiming to make someone else happy, that comes back to you, you know, tenfold. So understanding early on what that person needs to be happy, it just becomes, a bit of a habit then about the way that you two work together. So, I guess. How do you know which one you are?, is a really good question.
P: Hhmm.
M: I’ve got a few points here.
So if you’re always seeking approval or recognition for who you are or what you do, then you’re love language may be Words of Affirmation.
P: Yeah, that’s fair. Approval. Approval via words which is very specific.
M: If you’re asking, you know, ‘How’s the dinner? Do you like it? Is it good? Or…
P: Do I look good in these jeans?
M: Yes.
[Laughter]
M: Now.
If you frequently initiate evening walks, then Quality Time may be your primary love language.
P: Oohh I like that. If you’re initiating actions to spend with your partner and encouraging them to come with you on certain aspects of your lifestyle then, yeah, yeah.
M:
If you keep and cherish small gifts, you may speak the love language of Receiving Gifts.
P: Does that make you a hoarder?
M: Yeah, well, you might be a hoarder, it’s a fine line.
P: [Laugh]
M: I think my mom might be one of these [Gift Receiver], because she’s still got a box with all of our birthday cards and-
P: Oh my mum’s the same. She categorises them.
M: Maybe it’s just a thing older people do.
P: We all have our own book, like my sister and I, and even the niece and nephew they all have their own books.
M: Aww. Maybe that’s her love language then.
P: Keeper of the treasures.
M: Receiver of gifts.
P: Yeah.
M:
If you feel overwhelming love when your partner brings home takeout. [Love language- Acts of Service]
P: [Laugh] OK, for those of you who don’t know Marie and Bruce [Francis’s Australian name] are like the take out kings and queens. [Laugh]
M: I just.. hate cooking.
P: [Laugh]
M: I’m so privileged I get it, but I just hate cooking and it’s so cheap nowadays.
P: True.
M: I just don’t get it.
P: Anyway they could be cooking for you as well. So if someone cooks dinner for you every night, is that the same?
M: Yeah, look, it’s yeah, but to me it’s not the thought that counts when it comes to cooking dinner. So I think both me and Francis are better out of the kitchen.
P: [Laugh]
M: He does a really mean soup and toast from a packet.
[Laughter]
M:
Then if you melt when your partner touches you randomly, then Physical Touch.
P: Oh, yeah definitely.
M: That’s probably your love language.
P: That’s my love language. Definitely. Yeah, yeah, I think that’s a yes. It’s a measurement of intimacy. And it is those soft, and you could be having the worst argument on and it’s just that one little touch that just makes you go ‘Yep, we’re good’.
M: Little touch?
P: Yep, it could be a small touch, doesn’t need to be big.
M: Not an angry touch? You’re having an argument?
P: That depends on how good the angry gets?
[Laughter]
M: We’re not talking make up sex.
P: [Laugh] You’re going to throw me on couch, wrestle me down. Yeah, maybe sure [laugh].
M: If we were videoing this. You would see the way that Pete reached to me when he was talking about having an angry discussion and ran his, trailed his finger down my arm.
P: Oh, dear. [Laugh]
M: All right, so again, why is this important? Why are we talking about this? It’s self-awareness again.
P: It is, it’s recognising what your language of communication is, which I think leads to more intimate relationships.
M: Absolutely. Yep.
P: If you’re sending the right signals and if you are receiving the right information then it enriches your happiness, it makes you feel better about things because you’re recognising them. You may not necessarily receive them in the right way, but you’re recognising the effort, which leads to more intimacy and more understanding of, of happiness and good feelings.
M: Plus, if your partner stops cooking really very average dinners and just brings you home or take out and it makes you happier, like Bob’s your Uncle.
P: True.
M: Hint, hint.
P: Too bad for the cook out there who just can’t get the pumpkin soup right.
M: From a packet, let’s be really clear. There’s no cooking from scratch going on here.
P: So not my role. You’re talking to the man that makes a roast chicken at 11 o’clock at night if he needs to.
M: Okay, maybe you can cook for me then. That’ll work.
P: Sure.
M: All right, so last tip or hint to move forward for our listeners is Google lists. So they’re are surveys online that you and your partner can do to learn a bit more about each other and if nothing else, just a fun little exercise. So if you enjoy spending quality time with each other, then this is the thing to Google and do on a Friday night.
P: It’s like the Cosmo sex quiz.
M: Done. That is it. That is absolutely it. I haven’t done one of those since I was a teenager.
P: Yeah, there’s a reason. [Laugh]
M: Do they still exist?
P: [Laugh] Ok, Thanks for joining us today. If you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast.
M: And remember, you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, a site about how to find balance, happiness and resilience in your life until next time.
P: Choose happiness.
Related content: Listen to our Podcast: Positive Affirmations (E29)