Unapologetically Marie

Writer, podcaster, mental health advocate

Home » love

love

Making a Positive Portfolio (E87)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about how to reinforce your happiness by making a positive portfolio highlighting positive emotions.

Show notes

Positive Portfolio – 10 emotions (according to Barbara Fredrickson)

  • Gratitude,
  • Serenity,
  • Interest,
  • Hope,
  • Pride,
  • Amusement,
  • Inspiration,
  • Awe,
  • Love, and
  • Joy.

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background] 

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.  

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.  

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.  

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny. 

[Intro music fadeout] 

M: Hey, hey!

P: Hello happy people!

M: I’m happy today. Are you happy today?

P: I am happy today. I have one more day to reach before the end of term and then I have a week of no lectures. So, I’m feeling very positive.

M: Whoop, whoop!

P: Oh yeah, laugh.

M: I make an online purchase –

P: Oh!

M: – for my cats, a scratching post. So, it arrived yesterday and took it out of the box. I put it right next to where they love to hang out. And they have spent 24 hours non-stop… playing with the box.

P: Laughter! It’s like a two-year-old at Christmas.

M: Laugh, it is! Playing with the wrapping paper.

P: Laugh!

M: They’re enthralled, I even put a ball into the box and that just kicked off a whole other round of games.

P: Wow, laugh. What about the scratching post? Where did you put the scratch post? Laugh.

M: It’s just sitting next to the wall, hasn’t been touched. Laugh, unfortunately.

P: Hilarious.

M: But that is joy and play,

P: Mmm.

M: and they’re loving it.

P: Laugh.

M: So, that brings us to what we’re talking about today.

P: Which is…

M: Positive portfolios and how to make a positive portfolio. I am studying at the moment, it’s a year-long course at the Happiness Studies Academy and it’s run by Tal Ben Shahar, who’s the Harvard professor who wrote the book Happier.

M: And last week we covered off positive portfolios, the why, the science and what to do with it. And I just have to share this week –

P: Laugh.

M: – because I’ve gotten started on pulling it together, and it is such a simple thing that can bring so much emotion. I won’t say which ones yet, because we’ll get to that later.

P: Ok.

M: So much good and positive emotion into your life and either for yourself personally or with others. And it’s not something we do that much anymore. In a world of digital lives, we’re not creating tangible portfolios of things in the way that we used to.

P: Are you talking about scrapbooks?

M: …Yes. What was it that women used to make? Some mothers and grandmothers used to make boxes to give to their granddaughters for their wedding day.

P: Oh, the glory box?

M: Yes, Glory boxes!

P: Yes, yes. The glory box is a story.

M: It’s a box of emotions.

P: Ooh.

M: Yes.

P: I’m getting all sorts of images now. Like a little camphor box. My sister had a glory box. It was a camphor thing, and it was huge. All the treasures, all the generational treasures went into it so that when she married.

M: All the hand me downs, keepsakes, all that kind of stuff.

P: Mmm, yeah.

M: So, positive portfolios is what we’re talking about today. This idea came from James Pawelski and Alain de Botton, who are both pioneers in the field of happiness. And I’d actually read one of Alain’s books ages ago on philosophy, and one of the great things about Alain is he’s so well read.

P: Mmm.

M: And he brings together philosophy and psychology and sociology and history and brings them together in so many different and interesting ways. And we’ve got a couple of quotes here from James Pawelski, but really, what we’re talking about and what both of these positive psychology or happiness pioneers are talking about is positive portfolios, and all that is, is a bunch of things that you collect to reinforce an emotion.

P: It’s like picture books. You sort of go back over your picture books to remember events in your life.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: It’s why, before we had the digital age, I remember putting things into photo albums.

M: Yep.

P: And then you’d pull them out when you were having friends over for dinner and go, “let me take you through my trip to Italy.”

M & P: Laugh.

P: Bore everybody for hours, laugh.

M: And then you’d get a slide projector out.

P & M: Laughter!

P: Yes! Slide nights. We had slide nights. They were hilarious.

M: Or do you remember when you were little, burying a time capsule?

P: I never did that. They never got a chance to do that.

M: Things that were important to you.

P: Mmm, mmm. I like the idea, though, pulling something out of 50 years-time.

M: Of things that mattered to you then.

P: Mmm, mmm.

M: There were a couple of quotes you were going to share with us from James Pawelski.

P: There was. So, he’s talking about positive portfolio in the first one, and this one is that it’s a target for a group.

“Brainstorm what music, poems, pictures, letters, emails, cards, objects, and the like you could include in your portfolio. Place your portfolio in whatever binder, folder, or container works best given its contents.” [– James Pawelski]

P: So, that’s the instruction. But then he talks about the positive portfolio is intended to be a verbal, visual and auditory collection of materials conducive of a particular effective state. First, select what particular effective state you would like to practise. Be it Joy, Gratitude, Serenity, Interest, Hope, Pride, Amusement, Inspiration, Awe, or Love.

M: I love it. And those emotions that he’s mentioned there are from Barbara Fredrickson’s 10 big emotions. They’re the big things that are super cool. So, it’s saying again we’ll go again because we’re going to make you guys at home do this. And Pete and I both gotten started on doing this.

P: Laugh. Which is rather fun, I’ve got to say. I actually quite enjoyed this little task. Yeah, it did bring me a lot of joy to be honest. It was like, ‘Oh, this is kind of inspiring.’

M: I’ve loved it as well. So, what emotion did you pick, Pete?  

P: Well, I chose two, but I’m going to choose the one that I did have, which is love. So, a love portfolio.

M: So, the emotions you can pick, the 10 big emotions, according to Barbara Fredrickson, positive emotions, are:  

  • Gratitude,
  • Serenity,
  • Interest,
  • Hope,
  • Pride,
  • Amusement,
  • Inspiration,
  • Awe,
  • Love, and
  • Joy.

P: What’s interest, Marie? What would you put in that?

M: For me, it would be all of these books on positive psychology.

P: Laugh.

M: The practice of doing this podcast just shows my interest in this topic. I went on a bent a while ago with philosophy, which is where I first discovered Alain de Botton.

P: Mmm.

M: And then before that, I went on a classics… and so Jane Eyre and…

P: Oh, wow.

M: Everything that’s on the top 100 books you should read in your lifetime. I read the whole thing.

P: Like I said, you devour books.

M: Laugh, I do. Sometimes it’s been baking and learning how to do the fancy baking. Not so much since I found out I’m gluten intolerant and dairy intolerant because that really limits how much baking you can do.

P: It certainly does limit the baking you can do.

M: Laugh.

P: Yeah, gluten free flours doesn’t behave the same, I’m sorry. Laugh!

M: No, and neither does almond milk compared to normal milk.

P: Laugh, no.

M: Not the same at all. But there are so many things out there, and we talk about nowadays the importance of lifelong learning and having interest. And recently I’ve been really interested and looking into van life and tiny home.

P: Laugh!

M: So that’s been what’s on my YouTube video watching.

P: Ok, yeah, right.

M: So, look I’m one of those people that’s like ‘Ooh, something shiny!’

P: Laugh.

M: And off I go. And at the moment for you, I’d say a lot of what you’re probably finding interesting is through your studies.

P: Oh, completely. Yeah, I’m totally obsessed and a huge nerd. It’s ridiculous. I know everybody in my classes.

M & P: Laugh.

P: [Whispering class-mates] ‘Shut him up!’ Laugh.

M: It’s not about them. It’s all about you.

P: Laugh, I can be selfish? I did. I did make that choice this morning, so we were about to do our lecture and usually I try not to answer all the questions. And my lecturer sent me a private message, and he could see me mouthing the words. He said, ‘Peter, your muted.’

M: Laugh.

P: And I wrote back to say, ‘There’s a reason I’m muted, I don’t want to appear like a Hermione Granger.’

M & P: Laugh!

P: And he wrote back saying, ‘We love Hermione Granger’s!’ So, today I decided to be a Hermione Granger and just answer every single question as it came up, and we got through the lecture in an hour and a half that’s supposed to take two hours.

M & P: Laugh.

M: And you know what, everyone else in the room would have been like, ‘Woo hoo, 30 minutes back!

P: Laugh! There you go.

M & P: Laugh!

P: But we digress. Back to positive portfolios.

M: So, you picked love?

P: I did.

M: And I picked joy.

P: Mmm.

M: So, really keen to just share.

P: Share?

M: We’ve actually had some really great feedback from quite a few of our listeners who, I cannot thank you enough for bothering to listen to little Pete and me.

P & M: Laugh.

P: Always feels a bit embarrassing when people say ‘Oh, I love your podcast.’ And I’m like, ‘Oh, really?

M: Oh, shit. What am I going to say?

P: Laugh. We just chat.

M: Laugh, so this is time for us to share a little bit. So, I’m really keen to understand what your portfolio would look like. So, would you put it in a binder, or is it in a drive or a folder on your computer or is it a physical thing?

P: I think I would have to be a physical thing. Yeah, mine would have to be like a suitcase that you would unpack, and I put items out on a table so that everyone could sort of see what represented, what was representative for me, but also maybe bring their own meaning to it.

M: I love it. So, what would you put in your [love portfolio]?

P: All right. So, the first one, you’re going to laugh at, is massages.

M: Oh, we know that your love language is touch.

P: Laugh, yeah.

M: So, giving or receiving massage?

P: Both. I’ve always said this, and it’s very interesting now that I am studying a different degree and looking at doing a career change. There’s a lot of my long-term clients that are like, ‘are you still gonna massage when you’re a physio and I’m like, Yeah, I’m pretty sure I will, because I love that space. I love the intimacy of it. I love the investment in it. It’s the quiet space. And it’s a non-verbal activity, which I just adore because to me, the body doesn’t lie, laugh.

M: Hold on. So, when I come in and get a massage and just ramble the whole time, you’re like, ‘far out…’

P: Laugh.

M: ‘Shut up.’

P: Laugh, well, you listen to Disney in your massages, so that’s okay.

M & P: Laugh.

M: Okay, So massages in your love portfolio.

P: Definitely.

M: So, what else?

P: Cuddles on rugs, so rugs are a part of it because it’s textural. It’s like I have thick rugs in my house.

M: Tactile.

P: Yeah, very tactile. Big thick shag pile rugs and cuddles on rugs, there’s something about lying on the floor because you’re not incumbered by a defined space. You can roll everywhere, and you can be really physical, and you’re still on the rug. I mean, I have big rugs, so that kind of work for me.

M & P: Laugh.

P: Dinners or picnics, food. Food is very much a part of my love category.

M: You love cooking.

P: Yes, definitely. To cook and sit with a dinner with a loved one is very special. It’s there’s a, there’s a chemistry in it, there’s a visceral partaking of so many senses that are involved with dinners and so forth that I love.

M: So, make sure you keep an eye on your portfolio, so it doesn’t go mouldy.

P: Laugh. That’s all right, every time I open it, I have to cook a new dish that works for me.

M: All right, they don’t stay in the portfolio.

P: Laugh.

M: They get consumed and then logged in words.

P & M: Laugh!

P: Then there’s vistas, so, awe inspiring nature scenes, whether it be an ocean, a mountain. One thing that I’m really missing at the moment is going for a drive in the mountains, and I think that’s a real, that’s something that I would share with love and include in love simply because of the amazing depth of feeling that I get from being out in nature.

M: Would you have to share that with someone for it to fall in your love portfolio?

P: No, definitely not, it’s something that you can do solo that is still involved in love. Yeah, it’s definitely both.

M: Is it self-love? Is that what you’re talking about?

P: Yeah.

M: Freedom for yourself.

P: Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Going for solo drives is a is a bit of a passion of mine. And I’ve done it in Sydney with this lovely Royal Botanical Park, which is down south. And when I first bought my little red convertible, I drove down there with opera playing and the top was down and it was sunny, and I felt so ebullient. It was, it was like I was in a movie set.

M: Mmm.

P: It was so good. And that’s self-love for me. Real treats.

M: Love it.

P: Wine, of course.

M & P: Laugh.

P: More food. Me and my wines. I’ve actually yes, I’ve actually been rediscovering my passion for wine, and it’s, uh yeah, it’s I get inside wine, and I want to get involved with it. Try different things and the colours and the flavours and so forth.

M: Mmm.

P: Linen tablecloths. Again, it’s a textural thing.

M: That mean love?

P: Yeah, that means love for me, because I have the tablecloth, which is a damask tablecloth from my mother that was given to her by her mother when she was 18.

M: See, there’s the love.

P: Yeah, So that’s a love thing.

M: The meaning.

P: Definitely. Yeah. totally. And it’s funny that Mum, I don’t think she ever used it. It sat in the cupboard for years, and she gave it to me, and I used it straight away. I was like, Dinner party, let’s come over and, you know someone spills a red wine stain on it and I’m like, ‘Meh, that’s fine, that’s what bi-carb’s for.’ Laugh.

M: And that’s love. There’s a story behind it now. And you know what? Our parents and our parents, parents, had the good set and the not so good set.

P: Yes! I don’t get this! It doesn’t make sense.

M: It doesn’t make sense to us, because it all costs the same now. And it’s cheap as chips. But for them, you know, you don’t want the kids ruining your fine China when it costs… You know, you get one set for marriage, and that’s it.

P: Yeah. Yeah, I get that it’s precious but.

M: We’re the throwaway generation.

P: Yeah, alright we are.

M: Yeah.

P: But I think I think a good a good cracking of China on a good story because someone got so excited when they were talking about Shakespeare, and they threw the plate against the wall. Well, I think that’s a story, laugh.

M: Yeah, but it never happens that way. It’s that Bob put his elbow down on the edge of the plate and I went flying.

P& M: Laugh!

M: That’s the reality.

P: Laugh, there’s always a Bob.

M & P: Laugh!

M: Yep.

P: Maybe we have different dinner parties.

M & P: Laugh.

P: I have people throwing things at walls, laugh. I do remember a rather wonderful dinner party I hosted in Townsville in my first job. And it was a four-course roast dinner in Townsville, which is, you know, 45 degrees at the best of days.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And we had cigars and we were smoking and having red wine. And the three of us were getting into a bit of an animated discussion, and Avril stood up on the chair to make a point. So, then Benjamin stood up on the chair to make a point as well. And I went ‘Oh, bugger this, if you guys are getting up, I’m getting up.’ So, we all stood on chairs and battered out this argument.

M: Laugh, I was waiting for one of you to fall through the chair, but no?

P: No, completely fine. Laugh.

M: All right. Last one?

P: Sunsets.

M: Oh. I’m glad you said sunsets and not sunrises. Laugh.

P: No, Sunsets. Sunsets, yeah. There’s something very quietly reassuring about a sunset, yeah.

M: All right. I’m gonna fly through my joy portfolio.

P: Ok.

M: But mine includes Martinis.

P: Laugh!

M: And Veuve.

P: Ahh! I’m so glad you said that.

M: The songs that bring me joy, Carl Orff – Carmina Burana.

P: Ooh, oh! [panting]

M: It’s such powerful music.

P: I swear if I was allowed to…

M: And I Love Adiago for Strings as well.

P: Mmm.

M: Lately in the Club by Thomas Newsom, he’s a favourite amongst friends.

P: Mmm.

M: Into the Unknown by Indina Menzel.

P: Laugh!

M: Is also a favourite among friends at the moment.

P: Laugh.

M: For a very long time, Stuck in The Middle with You.

P: Yeah.

M: I used to play volleyball and was a middle blocker and hated it.

P: Laugh!

M: All the Lovers by Kylie Minogue, brings so many good dance memories.

P: Oh! Who doesn’t love Kylie?

M: I was playing that, as we joined today.

P: Laugh.

M: Be our Guest from Beauty & the Beast.

P: Yes!

M: Heaven by DJ Sammy.

P: Oh.

M: And Operation Blade – Public Domain.

P: I don’t know that one.

M: Definitely brings back memories from about 2000.

P: Wow.

M: And we were clubbing a lot at that point.

P: Laugh.

M: So, I’ve got quite a few quotes here as well that just brings me joy, so I’ll read a few of them.

“If you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams, and you’ll always look lovely.” – Roald Dahl

P: Oh, that’s lovely. Oh, that’s good.

M: Okay,

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abraham Lincoln

P: Very true.

M: Yeah.

“When I was five years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wrote down happy. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment. I told them they didn’t understand life.” – John Lennon

P: Laugh! Wow, that’s brilliant.

M: “We don’t laugh because we’re happy. We’re happy because we laugh. –

William James.

P: Mmm.

M: And,

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing.” –

George Bernard Shaw.

P: Yeah, very much agree with that.

M: Immanuel Kant, just new things long before we did. Rules for happiness.

“Something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.” – [Immanuel Kant]

P: Mmm.

M: I think I’ll end with Maya Angelou.

“I laugh as much as I can and cry when I have to, without apology. I think that’s happy.”

P: Ooh, wow. Oh, that’s, that’s lovely.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Yeah.

M: I would include some memorabilia in my box, so I would actually go get one of those dollar shop boxes with a lid.

P: Laugh, yeah.

M: I’d have some photos from my days at George Mason on the volleyball team.

P: Aww.

M: Photos from World University Games and the opening ceremony which had hundreds of thousands of people.

P: Wow.

M: Which was amazing. Getting my black belt and getting my offer letter from Oxford University for Post Grad, that’s in there.

P: Wow.

M: And then photos. All of our overseas trips, our trips to Coffs Harbour, our gold medal at Good Neighbour.

P: Mmm. Laugh.

M: Pretty much any time I’ve been overseas, there are memories there that just bring me so much joy. And then I want to finish by recommending an artist, an Australian artist called Maree Davidson. And she creates amazing cartoon likes somewhat realistic, somewhat cartoon art of animals. So, she’s got a pair of donkeys here and some cute giraffes, and I’ve bought four pieces of artwork from her.

P: Laugh.

M: And they just, they’re slightly childish. But they’re just happy and joyful pieces of art.

P: Yeah.

M: And I love them.

P: Yeah, I love the rabbit.

M & P: Laugh.

M: And so, before we finish, we have this great idea that we’d love to challenge our readers to do.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: And that Pete and I’ve been talking about. So, we’re in lockdown in Australia. But as soon as we’re out, we are going to start curating our own emotion museum exhibitions in our own homes and inviting our friends over to experience these emotions. And so, one of the things that I think is such shame is when people pull together or curate museum exhibitions, they tend to group their exhibitions around things like the period or the medium. It might be all sculptures. It might be all oil on canvas, etcetera, or it might be genre, so it could all be postmodern art.

P: Mmm.

M: And what I love about this is that you’re curating items around, an emotion that you want others to feel.

P: Mmm.

M: And I think we have just decided, and we’re gonna be inviting our friends as well, to pick some of these emotions out of a hat and bring friends over to experience that emotion in a way that is subjective and means something to you but that hopefully you can share with others and you can add music, you can add movies, you could add performances of any kind, artistic performances, as well as do something just as cheap as printing off some prints and hanging them up on the wall to help people feel these emotions.

P: Love it. Very immersive.

M: That’s what I love. As far as your own portfolio goes. If you pick one of those emotions or all 10 and create them, make sure that you go back to them over time and look at them again so that you can re-experience the emotion that goes with that. And it’s something that we’re doing less of nowadays, but it is very important.

P: Yes, tangible. Having something tangible to actually trigger those memories and reflect.

M: Yep, and it’s something that if you are in lockdown, you can still do.

P: Mmm.

M: So, on that note, we’re going to wrap up.

P: Laugh, homework people! Let us know how you go.

M: Do your homework!

P & M: Laugh!

M: And we might actually pay some photos of some of the things in both of our portfolios for everyone to see.

P: Yes.

M: All right. Thank you for joining us, and we’ll see you again next week.

P: Have a happy week.

[Happy exit music – background] 

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic. 

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out. 

M: Until next time. 

M & P: Choose happiness.  

[Exit music fadeout] 

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks! 

Love Maps – Building Intimacy and Trust in Relationships (E61)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Pete and Marie talk about Love Maps, building intimacy and trust and staying emotionally connected to the people you love.

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: And we’re back, Hi.

P: Hi, laugh.

M: So today we are talking about love maps.

P: Love maps. This sounds like something you do at a party.

M: Love maps. Sounds like some soppy thing that a psychologist gives you when you go to marriage counselling.

P: Laugh.

M: I really am such a cynic, aren’t I?

P & M: Laugh!

P: Essentially you are, laugh.

M: Yes, deep down I really am, laugh.

P: Laugh.

M: So the reason we are talking about love maps today is firstly because I recently just did one with my husband and we had a great time doing it.

P: We get to find out a lot about you and your husband on this show, don’t we?

M: We do, my poor husband. I don’t think he signed up for all of this.

P: Ha ha, tough.

M: Laugh, yep bad luck. And the reason why love maps is so important is that one of the basic foundations of happiness is strong relationships.

P: Yes, we’ve talked about this before. Intimate and strong, long lasting relationships build happier people, and they increase your quality of life into your senior years. Those people who have significant others into their seventies and eighties have a much higher quality of life and that doesn’t just relate to health, but it relates to interactions and feelings of security and happiness in general.

M: Absolutely so I think the biggest study is the Harvard –

P: Definitely the longest, laugh.

M: Yes, the longest definitely. So the study of adult development at Harvard, which was started in 1938 by Dr Arlie Bock. So it is still going, and it is the world’s longest running longitude… longitudinal study –

P: Such a hard word! I’ve been trying to write it lately and I keep tripping up going longit-ti-di-ti-di-nal.

M: Laugh! – of adult life and researchers have been studying two groups of men in the US since 1938 and tracking them through their lives, and there was one group of men from Harvard but another group of inner-city Boston men as well.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: And they tracked them by getting into answer questionnaires every two years and being personally interviewed every 15 years. And I believe, after a number of years, they started adding women to this study.

P: They did it about halfway through they started asking that their spouses to come in to be interviewed as well.

M: Yep, so they got a more rounded idea of these people’s lives. And so they followed these two groups from adolescence or, you know, late teens through to retirement and older. And the researchers identified over these people’s lives several factors that predicted healthy ageing. So, there’s stuff that we all know we should do.

P: Laugh!

M: And we don’t.

P & M: Laugh.

M: There’s limiting alcohol, getting enough exercise and maintaining a healthy weight. But they also found that a good marriage is also really important. Other factors in there, our education and mature coping skills.

P: Mmm, life skills.

M: Well, I think these are the mental health skills that we’re now starting to teach, like self-compassion and forgiveness and all of those other things that we didn’t used to focus on being kind, gratitude, all of those things that we never spoke about 20 years ago, I didn’t grow up hearing them. But having a good emotional maturity –

P: Yes.

M: – is going to do you well in life.

P: Yes.

M: And then the big one. So the big, big lesson to be learned from the Harvard study is that the most powerful influence on a rewarding life is the simplest, intimate relationships.

P: Ta da… Find me a husband, laugh.

M: Intimate, doesn’t mean husband and wife.

P: No, it doesn’t.

M: Or husband and husband or wife and wife.

P: We’ve talked about this before. Intimate relationships take many forms and identities, and that you can investors much into an intimate relationship with a friendship as you can with a partner.

M: Or a mother or sister or…

P: Yep, all those sort of things.

M: Or a besty Pete!

P: Laugh! Absolutely. And I’ve got some more contemporary based research that

M: Oh, well! Contemporary.

P: Well it’s from this century, laugh!

M: Look, this is still going, and they’ve actually started the second study of adult development.

P: Oh wow.

M: So.

P: It’s a sequel!

M: It is!

P: Longitudinal study version two.

M: Pretty much.

P: The beasts comeback, laugh.

M: But what more recent studies to you have, to share?

P: Well, these are more from psychological science and these are on the happiness levels in terms of relationships, and we’ve got one from Brown, Nesse, Vinokur, and Smith in 2003 that talks about how providing social support is more beneficial and how that can contribute to your happiness levels and ergo longer life.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And what this study found, this is one of the often cited studies because it targeted the fact that providing social support, so being the person in the community that helps to look after others has more benefit than actually receiving it. And we’ve talked about this in a previous podcast about receiving gratitude or receiving –

M: Kindness.

P: – Kindness, but giving kindness is the big key to increasing your happiness levels and having them maintained throughout the rest of your life and into senior years. And then there’s another reference from Diener and Seligman.

M: Oooh, they’re big wigs.

P: I noticed, you know these people, laugh.

M: Everyone knows Seligman.

P: Yep.

M: Father of Positive Psychology.

P: Laugh. And they were talking about the self-rated happiness scale and the people that they found at the top of this scale who were averaging around 30 out of 35 spent the least amount of time alone and were rated highest on good relationships. So, these are the people that if you like, the happiness gurus, the guys that are scoring high and maintaining happiness seem to also –

M: They’re social, they’re social.

P: Yeah, they’re out there, they’re doing things, but they also have good relationships good, intimate relationships which is a defining factor in the study.

M: Yeah OK, and they’re spending a lot of time with other people, too.

P: Yeah and they’re not sitting at home.

M: There was a recent study that came out during COVID that talked about how the amount of incidental interaction that we’re having with people has dropped off significantly.

P: Understandable.

M: And we shouldn’t discount that when it comes to loneliness. So it’s not only about seeing your friends and family less. It’s about not seeing the guy at the coffee shop as often.

P: Oh! I’m devastated that I’m not seeing my barista any more.

M: Laugh.

P: It was a 12 year relationship, the longest relationship I’ve ever had.

M: Laugh!

P: Alex, if you’re out there, I miss you. I love you, and my coffee is never the same.

M: And we really don’t think about that as being part of the social needs that we have.

P: Oh, I do.

M: It’s that smile with the person –

P: Totally.

M: A lot of people don’t get it.

P: I used to walk into that place and come out with a hug.

M: You’re special, sorry. Laugh.

P: See I just bought in. I was like ‘I like going in here.’ Laugh.

M: Or perhaps, you know, having a quick chat to the uber driver or saying hello to the bus driver when you get on and off and saying thank you.

P: Yep.

M: Those incidental interactions with people are not happening as often because we’re not venturing out as much, but also with masks it makes it even more difficult.

P: Yes, dealing with masks is difficult because you’re not judging how people are responding. And sometimes it isn’t what said, It’s a smile.

M: And if someone’s crinkling their eyes are they just old or are they smiling at you?

P: Yeah.

M: Like, it’s really hard and I don’t want to… yeah.

P: Oh yeah.

M: Yeah, there’s a whole cultural thing there as well that you can’t get into, laugh.

P: And there’s the whole thing about mask acting and how you have to express other ways without using your voice. It’s a, it’s a skill that not many people have.

M: Mmm. All right, so back, back –

P: Off track.

M: Yeah, off track.

P: [Rewind noise.]

M: So back to what we’re talking about, which is healthy relationships, laugh.

P: Ok.

M: And how they are critical for a happy life and a long life.

P: Yes.

M: So the question then becomes, how do you have happy relationships and good and positive relationships? And I’ll take back the word happy because good relationships often times are not happy. There’s stress and things go wrong, and we yell and behave badly, and we’re all human.

P: A good relationship survives those little moments.

M: Yes, and the big ones.

P: Mmm? Yeah ok, I won’t argue with that. And you can have those, and that’s not just a marriage situation –

M: Mmm hmm.

P: – with intimate friendships.

M: Yep.

P: You can have your little, the little moments where it all goes pear shaped, you don’t speak for a little while.

M: Yep, yep, absolutely. Or when someone puts the keys in the wrong mailbox.

P: Oh!

M: Laughter.

P: That was a communication issue.

M: As many issues are between married couples.

P: You were cranky, laugh.

M: Laugh, I was, I’ve apologised.

P: Laugh, it’s ok. I laughed.

M: So the way to having strong relationships, there are many ways and there are many things that factor into this, but really what we’re talking about here is about knowing and being known. So knowing the other person and being known for being authentic and vulnerable with them.

P: Oooh, that’s a big ask.

M: And sharing. And so how do you do this today? As we said before, we’re going to talk about love maps.

P: Do we need to get crayons?

M: …Sure.

P: Do we need colours?

M: Of course.

P: Ooh, yay.

M: The whole rainbow.

P: Laugh, you said the right word.

M & P: Laughter!

M: So love map is a way of getting to know your partner or friends or family. And it was created by psychologist Gottman, who did 40 years of research with thousands of couples, and he’s well known across the world for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction.

P: Ooh god, it’s someone good to have at a dinner party.

M: Absolutely.

P: “Could you tell me if I’m going to be with this person in ten years? Should I propose tonight or not?”

M: Laugh, “Or should I run?”

P: Laugh.

M: So in 2007, the psychotherapy networker described him as one of the 10 most influential therapists of the past quarter century.

P: Wow.

M: That’s pretty impressive and look, as we all know, divorce rates have been going up, so I’m sure we’ve been keeping him busy.

P: Laugh.

M: So according to Gottman, the couple’s most likely to enjoy marital closeness and satisfactions are the ones who build richly detailed love maps.

P: Oh, ok.

M: And what do you mean by that is when you go to a new city, you pull out a map and use it to explore the new city. A love map is a way of exploring your partner, getting to know them, and their inner world.

P: Ah.

M: And we do this quite naturally when we first meet. You know those butterfly moments when you meet someone that you like and you ask questions like, “What do you dream about?”

P: Oh my god!

M: “What are your goals?”

P: Oh my gosh! That’s when I turn into the cynic.

M: Laugh, and when you’re in that moment, it all seems completely natural and normal.

P: Laugh.

M: [Sweet voice] “What do you dream about doing?”

P: Oh my lord, laugh.

M: Uh huh. But then we stop. We stop asking those questions, and Gottman argues that in relationships you should be circling back on those types of questions and checking in with your partner or your friend or your sister –

P: I support that, yeah.

M: – more regularly.

P: It’s a refresh.

M: Yep.

P: It’s like goal setting, you’ve got to go back and do it every now and then because your values change.

M: Exactly. We all change over time.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: Yep, so the Gottman Institute has created a card deck called 52 Questions Before marriage or moving in.

P: Laugh! I’m going to pull this out the next time I interview a flatmate “Excuse me, I just have a couple of questions for you… 52.”

M & P: Laugh.

M: And really, these questions help you map your partner and really explore areas that might not be top of mind when you’re 15 years into a marriage like me.

P & M: Laugh.

M: Or, you know, after your through that honeymoon phase. So this is really about re-exploring your friendship, your relationship, whatever relationship you pick.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: So some of the questions in the deck include:

In what ways do you operate well as a team? In what ways could you improve?

P: Oh, ok.

How is this relationship different than those that have not worked out?

P: Laugh.

M: Tell me Pete, how is our relationship different than those that have not worked out for you in the past.

P: Hmm. You make me go to things.

M: Laugh.

P: I don’t have to drive the boat. You say we’re going to Magic Mike, and I say Yes!

M & P: Laugh!

M: Shhh, it’s a secret.

P: I’m so going to be the individual man.

M & P: Laughter!

P: It’s going to be funny.

M: It will be funny.

M & P: Laughter!

M: Ooh, the big one!

What are your main strategies for coping with tough financial times?

P: Now that’s a vulnerable question. That’s a really vulnerable question. Yeah, you have to, you have to. You have to be very earnest, honest about your own actions when it comes to what do you rein in? What do you, what do you do in that situation? I think that’s a really, that’s a big one.

M: Is it enough to say you don’t have any… You just spend money when it’s there.

P: No.

M: Laugh.

P: No, I think that’s a really good one, because I think that shows how you restrict and how you pull back. It’s also a value decision.

M: It’s values.

P: What do you value the most? What do you actually keep going with? And what do you sacrifice for the interim?

M: Yeah, absolutely.

P: And that’s a really insightful answer.

M: And to be honest, I left home at a reasonably early age and put myself through university, and I had no financial strategies. It was try to make it through the week with enough money for food, laugh.

P: Or, let’s go a France on the scholarship fund and eat 2 minute noodles, laugh.

M: For the rest of the semester.

P: Laugh!

M: See! I didn’t have good money management skills.

M & P: Laughter!

M: Because I didn’t have any money.

P & M: Laughter!

M: So, when I did start having an income, and it was around that time that I met my husband, I still had no financial strategies. So, we’ve had some very interesting discussions over the years, laugh.

P: But I think that’s also a bonding thing, going through the tough times actually makes you stronger.

M: Yes, but I’d say that you can’t always expect to have the same outlook on things, and going in with your eyes open is probably better than discovering it when you already committed.

P: Okay. Yep.

M: I would argue that one. I think that’s why it says questions before marriage or moving in.

P & M: Laugh!

M: It’s good to align on these things beforehand, like, “Do you want kids or do you not want kids?” before you get married.

P: What?

M: That’s a big one too.

P: When are we having children?

M: Laugh, we’re not getting married honey.

P: Oh hang on, I’ve already given you the roses.

M: Laugh. So, ooh I like this one, and for anyone who’s ever had a roommate.

P: Laugh!

M: How will you decide who is responsible for which chores?

P: Laugh!

M: Otherwise, you get stuck cleaning the toilet for 15 years of your life, laugh. I think you’re in that position too, are you Pete.

P: Laugh.

M: So, I thought –

P: Does it come down to who does a better job? Laugh.

M: Yeah, well it doesn’t count if they do it but don’t do it right.

P: Ha, Charlie don’t listen to this.

M: Mmm hmm.

P & M: Laughter!

M: All right, the point is though to have these conversations and to talk about these things with your partner or your, you know, friend, lover, whoever it is you’re trying to get closer to, sister, brother, mother, father any type of close relationship.

P: Yeah, right.

M: So you might not even know the answers yourself to these questions until you’ve been asked them.

P: Very true.

M: And it’s about talking them out and getting to know yourself better. But also getting to know your partner better.

P: Mmm.

M: And the next lesson off this is that we should be making being curious and asking questions of each other habit.

P: Those conversations need to happen, but not all the time, but they need to circle back every now and then.

M: Yep.

P: Like a chicken. We have a mutual friend couple that do have these conversations once a month. They sit down and they go on a date. They sit down and they go “Right, this, this, this, this pissed me off this week.”

M & P: Laugh.

P: I actually think It’s a very honest and open understanding, and they do it every month, and I think it’s a, I think it’s a real strength of theirs. It’s all cards on the table. I’m not going to edit myself here. I’m going to put it on the table. So then you can either talk about it or say Well I don’t agree with you on that, but there’s a there’s a calmness rather than you blowing up in the middle of the dinner party going [hysterical voice] “Oh my God, you did this!” then lobster on the ceiling, the whole thing.

M: Waste of lobster.

P & M: Laugh.

P: Yeah, it is. But honest and quite frank conversations. And I think having them more regularly means that when they do happen, you’re not scared by them.

M: So without naming names, I know you’re talking about. And I would say that although that relationship started off well, a little birdie told me that they’d forgotten to do them over the last couple of months.

P: Oh.

M: So this is maybe a little bit of a kick up the butt for that couple in particular.

P: Laugh.

M: But [also] for all of us, because they put this in place is a really pure and good thing to do when they first got together, so that they could get to know each other better and talk through these things.

P: Hmm, yeah.

M: And as we’ve discussed here, that’s really easy in the honeymoon phase.

P: Yeah, true.

M: It becomes almost hard work after a year or so.

P: Yeah, righto.

M: So, I did a love map with my husband last weekend, and it took us the whole weekend to get through all the questions.

P: Wow!

M: It was a long weekend, three days and we did it over dinner and meals, and we sat down at one point outside in the sun and went through a few questions. But they really are great open-ended questions that can take you down so many unexpected paths and conversations and that really help you understand yourself a little bit better. So they’re things that we don’t always ask ourselves.

P: Hmm.

M: And that can help with your own personal growth as well as getting to know each other.

P: Hmm.

M: And if you competitive, like me, we nailed it way!

P: Laugh!

M: I have to say, laugh!

P: Of course, you did.

M: Laugh.

P: Of course, you did. Laugh.

M: So we asked these questions of each other and worked out who knew more.

P: Laugh.

M: At first it was a competition between us, because everything’s a competition.

P: Laugh.

M: And then it was, how well have we been connecting? It was almost a litmus test of whether or not we started growing apart. And I think we did pretty well, so I came out of it feeling pretty good.

P: Nice.

M: I was pretty chuffed.

P: That’s good. That’s a positive. Good for you, well done.

M: So, before we leave, I’m going to test our friendship Pete.

P: Oh gosh, I didn’t sign up for this! Laugh.

M: Laugh.

P: Pressure.

M: All right. So, the question is, what was your favourite vacation?

P: Well, that’s easy.

M: So the question is, what was my favourite vacation Pete? And I’ll answer yours, what was your favourite vacation.

P: Oh, is that how it works.

M: Yep.

P: Oh, okay, I am going to say, driving around Paris, driving around France.

M: Yeah.

P: [Triumphant] Laugh!

M: I think that was pretty spot on.

P: It was pretty special, yeah.

M: Ooh, I think probably that trip would have been up there for you as well.

P: Yep, I’m nodding.

M: Yep.

P: Nodding in agreement there.

M: We were both on the same trip.

P: Yeah.

M: Yeah, but look, Paris was pretty special, but I’d say that Sweden was also pretty cool as well.

P: Yep, yep, yeah.

M: Well all right, I think we nailed it!

P: Laugh!

M: Besties for life!

P: Laugh, woo!

M: Yay!

P: There we go, we’re done. Who needs 52, we just did one.

M: Laugh.

P: Maybe we can do one a year?

M: That works.

P: See if we can make it to 52 years of friendship, laugh.

M: I like it. I like the intent there. Anyway, I really recommend you can Google the Gottman love map at Gottman and pull this up and I really recommend just pulling it up, taking a screenshot so that you’ve got it on your phone. And next time you see your family or your friends or your loved one, just start going down the list.

P: Yep, I reckon it’s a great cocktail hour game.

M: Absolutely.

P: Yeah. It’s a good one for you too, you can ask a few questions and see how crazy they all are, laugh.

M: All right. Well, on that note we’ll leave it there. We’ll see you next week.

P: Enjoy your love maps.

M: Yep.

P: Bye.

M: Bye.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going, at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

All About the 5 Love Languages (E30)

by

Happiness for Cynics

This week, Marie and Pete discuss #1 New York Times bestseller Dr Gary Chapman’s “5 Love Languages” and how important it is for your relationship and your happiness to understand your own personal love language and that of your partner.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness. A love boat singer and seventies disco flare wearing backup dancer.

[Laughter]

P: Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low.

P: Or if you’re only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it.

M: Or maybe you just want more!

P: Then this is the place to be! [Sings] The love boat.

M: [Laugh] This week if you haven’t guessed we are talking about love languages and Pete has just played the Love Boat song, and sang along.

P: It’s so much fun. He he. Come on, sing it with me. You kind of expect, you know Barry White to come on. It’s kind of vibe.

M: That is Five seconds were allowed before we get fined.

P: Oh, Boo. It’s so much fun.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: Okay, So this week, we are talking about a book by Gary Chapman and a concept, Sorry. [Whispers] So much more than a book.

P: [Laugh]

M: It’s more than a book and I deliberately told Pete not to do any research on it.

P: I am completely open. I am an open… book. [Laugh]

M: So Gary Chapman wrote a book called ‘The Five Love Languages’, and … I’ve mentioned it multiple times because in Covid, you have really missed touch and I’ve told you multiple times, I think touch is your love language.

P: Right.

M: During, during the past 30 episodes, and you’ve… smiled and nodded and gone ‘Meh… OK’.

P: I trust you Muz, you know me so well.

M: [Laugh] so I think it’s about time we talked about love languages.

P: Ok, so what are love languages?

M: So, they are the parts of us that represent our emotional need for love. So when our love tanks are full, everything is good.

P: Ooh, ok.

M: But we all work on different types of fuel, and being filled up with the wrong fuel can leave us feeling empty or unfulfilled. But when you fill people up with the right fuel, the right love language, then they feel on top of the world they feel loved.

P: I feel like I’m ethanol number 10.

[Laughter]

M: Touch… it is the dirtiest.

P: [Laugh] I could say something that would be inappropriate. [Hysterical laughter] OK, alright… I like this idea, though, that everyone has their own, their own need and it’s about identifying that persons need to be able to fill up their well spring of love language that brings them to their highest point.

M: It makes them feel happy.

P: Yeah, I get that.

M: And loved. Actually loved and cared for.

P: That resonates very strongly with me.

M: Great. Tick.

P: I’m in, I’m in, I’m buying in Marie.

M: [Laugh]

P: I always buy in, who am I kidding.

M: One of the things that Chapman talks about is that at the beginning of a relationship, it’s a free for.

P: Mmm. Ok

M: You’ve got all the butterflies. Doesn’t matter what they’re doing. You’re all loving on each other. Honey moon phase.

P: Yeah. Fireworks are going off.

M: Yep.

P: Lady and the Tramp spaghetti moments.

M: Yep. Now, when this really makes a difference, is once you through that honeymoon phase, right.

P: Yep

M: So we’ll start with number one.

So the first love language is:

Words of Affirmation.

P: Are these love poems? Are these the things that you write to your partner and leave on pieces of paper randomly in books?

M: Yes, it is supportive and complimentary words that make them feel the most loved.

P: So when they ‘do I look fat in this dress’, you say ‘Yes, baby. I mean no, baby.

M: That would be just a normal conversation and a no brainer to say no.

P: Yeah, true.

M: I’m just gonna throw that out. So the people whose love language use words of affirmations seek for others to tell them positive things. That’s what makes them feel good about themselves it’s what makes them feel loved and cared for. So it’s not me, that’s not me. 

P: Is this different to narcissism in terms of needing that to boost you up?

M: So there’s, there’s four others that we’ll get to in a second.

P: Alright, jumping the gun.

M: This is… No, no, no. Look, I think it’s a, it’s a fair question that could apply to any of the five, total.

P: Right, gotcha.

M: It is about what makes you feel special.

P: Okay.

M: All right?

P: Yeah.

M: And the person that you love, you want them to make you feel special. And sometimes this is more about, just like with so many other things have discussed, knowing yourself and more than that, knowing your partner and how you can make them feel special. But also them knowing what makes you feel special. Because if they’re talking to you in your wrong language.

P: It’s not registering.

M: They could be trying and trying and trying.

P: And you’re not recognising it, definitely.

M: And you feel unloved.

P: Okay. Yeah, I’m so with you. Okay.

M: All right.

P: Number two?

M: Number two:

Quality Time.

So these people, who, their love language is quality time, they require moments of undivided attention from their partners.

P: I definitely agree with that one. You need your me time with your partner.

M: And these people –

P: Date night, it’s date night.

M: Yes. It is Date night. And date night can’t be movie watching for these people.

P: Oh, right. It’s not quality time together.

M: Yes, quality is the key word there.

P: I got you, righto. That’s an easy one.

M: Okay. Number three:

Receiving Gifts.

P: Oohh…

M: And for these people, it’s not about the money, it’s the thought.

P: So buying a treasure trove of jewellery that you just give a box to every now and then, that doesn’t work.

M: I mean, look I’ll never say no to jewellery.

P: [Laugh] Wrapped in Tiffany’s?

M: Yes. I like diamonds.

[Laughter]

P: But it’s the thoughtfulness behind those sorts of gifts, the little things that you leave out or wake up one morning and there’s a gift.

M: Even the flowers that you picked from the neighbour’s yard.

P: Yeah.

M: But the fact that you picked a couple and stopped and thought my significant other would like this came home and presented it to them that, you know, if someone is a gift receiver, is there love language, then that will mean the world to that person.

P: It’s a bit like a cat bringing a dead mouse to your door. Is that, is that a gift?

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s the cat’s way of going ‘Here, I caught this for you. Here you go.’

M: It’s the thought.

P: Yeah, right.

M: So, actually, the funny thing is… someone whose love language is receiving gifts would see that from the cat and be completely touched by that.

P: Hhmm. I get it. I get that. I understand.

M: The rest of us would be like, eugghh..

P: [Laugh] Take it away.

M: All right. So number four is:

Acts of Service.

P: Oh, I’m a big one on this one.

M: Yep, so this is me.

P: Yeah?

M: The act of one partner doing things for the other person. So I have those ‘aawww moments’ when my husband has done a load of laundry and put it away when I get home.

P: Including picking up his socks?

[Laughter]

M: Yep and he’s bothered to pick up his socks off the floor. [Laugh]

P: It’s good that you register that.

[Laughter]

M: Or when I’m really busy at work and I’m running late and he puts dinner on without asking.

P: That, that was the next one that I was going to go to, like you come home and dinner is cooked for you. Who doesn’t go, ‘oh’ when you walk in and someone says here’s dinner, it’s a roast turkey.

M: Yep.

P: You know that that’s been effort put in, and that someone’s actually thought they’re going to be stressed, they’re gonna be hungry when they get home. I’m going to make dinner, and you walk in and there’s a candlelit table who wouldn’t go ‘oh’ over that?

M: So I need to get you to teach my husband about the candles and the turkey.

P: Problem is, if I did that, I’d probably end up coming over for dinner.

M: [Laugh] In a way, you both would have done an act of service that I would be grateful for.

P: This isn’t… I actually had a conversation with a friend of mine today. Over lunch about this exact point and he very freely volunteers the fact that he will make his lovers or his affectionate ones feel like a prince or a princess and He will absolutely go to all the ends of the Earth to do those sorts of things and make you feel like you are the most special person on Earth. He doesn’t want that in return.

M: And here’s the thing, is he projecting what he thinks they want on them and all they actually want is for him to say, ‘Jeez babe, you look hot’.

P: Possibly, possibly.

M: You know or if words of affirmation, you know, other things-

P: True.

M: – were your love language. So this is the next step I would say for him he might be displaying his love for others in a way that they’re not receiving [it].

P: I agree. Yes, definitely. And I’m big on that, but I think it’s, it’s an interesting trait of someone to be… And I think I fall into this as well, like I am very much am big on cooking dinner for someone ‘saying come over and I will massage you for the evening or, you know go two hours overtime when I really shouldn’t, which some of my Clients have said ‘I’ve got to be somewhere at seven thirty’ and I’ve said ‘Shut up and put your head on the table.

[Laughter]

P: You know, glasses of wine or whatever. Or that act of service, washing the car, cleaning out the bedroom.

M: Yep.

P: That sort of thing, they are expressions of service and if we don’t recognise those for the acts of love they are that’s a miscommunication. I like that one. Number four is me.

M: Woah, well, here’s number five which I think is you.

P: Yeah. Okay. This is a biggy.

M: So,

Physical Touch.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: And it is recognised for its bonding effects for everyone. But for the person with this love language, physical touch is the supreme representation of love.

P: Guilty as charged, definitely.

M: It is snuggling and cuddling and holding hands and just having your hand on someone’s shoulder. Just being close and near to them, is this person’s love language.

P: Yeah, huge, definitely. Does it have to be giver or receiver?

M: What do you mean?

P: So if you’re a physical touch person, do you have to give or do you have to receive?

M: It’s your love language.

P: So it’s the way that you express it.

M: It’s the way that you need it to have your tank filled. So you need other’s physical touch.

P: You need physical touch, gotcha.

M: Which is why I think you were missing it and why your tank was low over the Covid isolation.

P: I’ll give you that, yep. Definitely. I was craving touch a lot. Actually, it was, it was difficult because I was very much separated from my friends who I get my physical touch from.

M: Mmm hhmm

P: I don’t have a partner and I’m very reliant on the affection of my friends. To give me those hugs, to slap me on the ass and you know, you know, even to give me a headlock or something like that, that’s physical touch. That’s expression of affection. And, yeah, I’m very dependent on that. And it was really difficult when Covid was in the height that I wasn’t getting any of that. It was really tough.

M: Yep, so that’s why multiple times I’ve said, I think physical touch is your love language Pete.

P: [Laugh]

M: And I think that’s why you missed it so much and why you were running on empty a bit from, a love perspective.

P: Yep, definitely.

M: Not that acts of service wouldn’t maybe, maybe you’re a hybrid?

P: No I –

M: Part electric? Part?

[Laughter]

P: I’m a Toyota Camry.

M: Part electric…

[Laughter]

M: Acts of Service a little bit with a lot of Physical Touch.

P: Well, I guess that’s what this is, what it comes down to. Can you be a blend of all three, all five of these? Or is there one that is the primary expression for you?

M: I think you could. I think, with all things there’s no black and white with any of this. But I think most people would go, ‘Yes, that’s me or these two are me.’ So I think you’d be more dominant. Definitely.

P: So it’s good to recognise that because then you can identify that if you are feeling that your tank is a bit low.

M: Well, I think like with so much of what we talked about, the reason it’s important is about understanding yourself and what makes you happy.

P: Yes.

M: And again so you can communicate with your partner. So I think a lot of miscommunication and not feeling loved can be avoided by understanding each other a little bit better. Having a conversation around what makes you feel loved.

P: Identifying which one of the five you are.

M: Yeah, and knowing that, I’m in acts of service person, but that might not be Francis, so I could do laundry until –

P: Francis being your husband.

M: Yes, and I could do laundry till the cows come home and feel really rejected that I’m not even getting a thank you for it and that Francis isn’t feeling loved because I keep picking up his socks.

P: [Laugh]

M: And I could let that really drive a wedge between us or we could have a conversation about how he likes to feel loved and we can split the laundry, and I can tell him he looks hot in his new jeans. That would be much easier than doing laundry all the time.

P: [Laugh] It’s also recognising that. So when you hear that that someone or you does an act of service like picking up their socks, you go aww they’re trying isn’t that nice.

M: Yep.

P: They’re trying to meet me on my love language.

M: Yes, absolutely.

P: Which could be really hard for some couples, I imagine. Or some relationships is meeting someone on their love language and if you’re not a physical person, but your partner is a physical touch love language. Woah that’s gonna be tough. It’s going to be hard.

M: Well, I think we all start relationships with the right intent, which is to make the other person happy. You want that at the beginning at least.

P: Ok. That’s, that’s an assumption. But Yes.

M: [Laugh] Ok. It’s a big assumption I guess.

P: Well it is because a lot of it’s about making us happy. You go into a relationship because you want them to make you feel happy.

M: All right, maybe we need to go down a different route, [Laugh] that is a whole other kettle of fish.

P: I’m sorry, I’m throwing spanners in the works here. [Laugh]

M: Yeah, so I think that, I think what you give to a person comes back to you.

P: Oh, I completely agree. Yep, yep definitely.

M: So if you’re aiming to make someone else happy, that comes back to you, you know, tenfold. So understanding early on what that person needs to be happy, it just becomes, a bit of a habit then about the way that you two work together. So, I guess. How do you know which one you are?, is a really good question.

P: Hhmm.

M: I’ve got a few points here.

So if you’re always seeking approval or recognition for who you are or what you do, then you’re love language may be Words of Affirmation.

P: Yeah, that’s fair. Approval. Approval via words which is very specific.

M: If you’re asking, you know, ‘How’s the dinner? Do you like it? Is it good? Or…

P: Do I look good in these jeans?

M: Yes.

[Laughter]

M: Now.

If you frequently initiate evening walks, then Quality Time may be your primary love language.

P: Oohh I like that. If you’re initiating actions to spend with your partner and encouraging them to come with you on certain aspects of your lifestyle then, yeah, yeah.

M:

If you keep and cherish small gifts, you may speak the love language of Receiving Gifts.

P: Does that make you a hoarder?

M: Yeah, well, you might be a hoarder, it’s a fine line.

P: [Laugh]

M: I think my mom might be one of these [Gift Receiver], because she’s still got a box with all of our birthday cards and-

P: Oh my mum’s the same. She categorises them.

M: Maybe it’s just a thing older people do.

P: We all have our own book, like my sister and I, and even the niece and nephew they all have their own books.

M: Aww. Maybe that’s her love language then.

P: Keeper of the treasures.

M: Receiver of gifts.

P: Yeah.

M:

If you feel overwhelming love when your partner brings home takeout. [Love language- Acts of Service]

P: [Laugh] OK, for those of you who don’t know Marie and Bruce [Francis’s Australian name] are like the take out kings and queens. [Laugh]

M: I just.. hate cooking.

P: [Laugh]

M: I’m so privileged I get it, but I just hate cooking and it’s so cheap nowadays.

P: True.

M: I just don’t get it.

P: Anyway they could be cooking for you as well. So if someone cooks dinner for you every night, is that the same?

M: Yeah, look, it’s yeah, but to me it’s not the thought that counts when it comes to cooking dinner. So I think both me and Francis are better out of the kitchen.

P: [Laugh]

M: He does a really mean soup and toast from a packet.

[Laughter]

M:

Then if you melt when your partner touches you randomly, then Physical Touch.

P: Oh, yeah definitely.

M: That’s probably your love language.

P: That’s my love language. Definitely. Yeah, yeah, I think that’s a yes. It’s a measurement of intimacy. And it is those soft, and you could be having the worst argument on and it’s just that one little touch that just makes you go ‘Yep, we’re good’.

M: Little touch?

P: Yep, it could be a small touch, doesn’t need to be big.

M: Not an angry touch? You’re having an argument?

P: That depends on how good the angry gets?

[Laughter]

M: We’re not talking make up sex.

P: [Laugh] You’re going to throw me on couch, wrestle me down. Yeah, maybe sure [laugh].

M: If we were videoing this. You would see the way that Pete reached to me when he was talking about having an angry discussion and ran his, trailed his finger down my arm.

P: Oh, dear. [Laugh]

M: All right, so again, why is this important? Why are we talking about this? It’s self-awareness again.

P: It is, it’s recognising what your language of communication is, which I think leads to more intimate relationships.

M: Absolutely. Yep.

P: If you’re sending the right signals and if you are receiving the right information then it enriches your happiness, it makes you feel better about things because you’re recognising them. You may not necessarily receive them in the right way, but you’re recognising the effort, which leads to more intimacy and more understanding of, of happiness and good feelings.

M: Plus, if your partner stops cooking really very average dinners and just brings you home or take out and it makes you happier, like Bob’s your Uncle.

P: True.

M: Hint, hint.

P: Too bad for the cook out there who just can’t get the pumpkin soup right.

M: From a packet, let’s be really clear. There’s no cooking from scratch going on here.

P: So not my role. You’re talking to the man that makes a roast chicken at 11 o’clock at night if he needs to.

M: Okay, maybe you can cook for me then. That’ll work.

P: Sure.

M: All right, so last tip or hint to move forward for our listeners is Google lists. So they’re are surveys online that you and your partner can do to learn a bit more about each other and if nothing else, just a fun little exercise. So if you enjoy spending quality time with each other, then this is the thing to Google and do on a Friday night.

P: It’s like the Cosmo sex quiz.

M: Done. That is it. That is absolutely it. I haven’t done one of those since I was a teenager.

P: Yeah, there’s a reason. [Laugh]

M: Do they still exist?

P: [Laugh] Ok, Thanks for joining us today. If you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast.

M: And remember, you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, a site about how to find balance, happiness and resilience in your life until next time.

P: Choose happiness.

Related content: Listen to our Podcast: Positive Affirmations (E29)