Letting go and moving on…, five little words that can sound so simple. Yet we all know letting go can be one of the hardest things we do.
Whether it’s by a parent, lover, friend or colleague, many of us have felt the sting of betrayal or the hurt of someone else doing wrong by us. It’s a feeling that can stay with us for days, months or even years.
Yet, as with many of the other self-care topics we discuss on this site, the number one misconception about forgiveness is that it’s all about someone else.
Forgiveness is for you and about you.
It’s about letting go of grudges, blame and negative feelings that are stopping you from moving on. It’s understanding what happened, processing how that made you feel, then acknowledging the pain, anger or betrayal.
Sit in it, dwell in it for a while if you have to… go for a walk somewhere remote and scream at the top of your lungs or hit a punching bag until you’re exhausted. Cry and beat your pillow and cry some more.
It’s also understanding you’re human too, and we all make mistakes. That means practicing self-compassion by not only releasing yourself from the hurt, but also any blame you’ve assigned to your role (whether rational or not).
Being kind to yourself is a key element of self-care and is critical for your mental health. You don’t gain anything by being too hard on yourself. It’s OK to make a mistakes… just try to learn from them!
To forgive, you have to acknowledge that if you don’t let go, the negative emotions can have power over your life, impacting your behaviour and mental health for months and even years. It’s about letting go and choosing to move on from that pain and that resentment and releasing another person’s hold on your life so you can take back control, heal and move on with positivity with your life.
Forgiveness is all of these steps, or none of these steps, or about doing these steps repeatedly over time, because in the end we’re all different.
But, before we move on, let’s just make one things clear: forgiveness is not about excusing or forgetting another’s bad behaviour. It certainly doesn’t mean you have to fix a broken relationship or even tell the person you forgive them. You don’t even have to speak to them again.
In this article, we explore the power of forgiveness, how we can start the process of letting go and moving on, and how we can use this info to achieve a happier, healthier life. Read on!
Letting Go And Moving On
“Forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger. Forgiveness is vitally important for the mental health of those who have been victimized.” Psychology Today
Forgiving others is a great way to let go of negativity, but unless you’ve done the work, it’s hard to really understand how someone else’s actions could be impacting your life… Of course, if you’re not convinced, there is research!
According to researcher Jack Kornfield, forgiveness isn’t quick, easy or sentimental, but it’s invaluable for your own well-being. In fact, the Mayo Clinic in the U.S. shows that forgiveness leads to improved health and peace of mind.
It has been shown to lead to healthier relationships, improved mental health, reductions in anxiety, stress and hostility; lower blood pressure; fewer symptoms of depression and improved self-esteem. It even has physical benefits such as a stronger immune system and improved heart health.
Forgiveness is about letting go of negative emotions, so it’s no wonder that it’s been linked to greater feelings of happiness, hopefulness and optimism. The reason is that releasing those negative emotions also stops the steady stream of stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenalin, that your brain produces when you think about the person or their actions.
Practicing Forgiveness
It’s important to remember that everyone is different. The steps for practicing forgiveness are not necessarily linear, you might skip some steps, or you might stay in one step for a really long time or skip through another altogether.
Are you Ready and Willing?
Some pain cuts too deep and has been going on for too long to be easily wiped away. Before you can move on, you have to feel the emotions, and it can take time. It can take a lot of time. But it all starts with a commitment to the process. If you’re ready, then you need to make a choice. That means you have to want to do it and commit to doing it. It is not always easy, and sometimes you will still carry the scars with you for life, but you have to make the choice to forgive and be open to the process for it to work.
Find Somewhere Quiet for Some Reflection.
Start by trying to process the loss or grief. Be angry. Be hurt. Grieve. Be vulnerable and feel the pain. It can help to write down what happened and in one sentence write down the behaviour that you want to forgive. Then write down how it has impacted you and made you feel. Name the negative emotions. Then name the impacts of those emotions. How have they impacted your life since? Take as long as you need in this step. You might need to do this over a few hours, or days or months. You might need to revisit this step for years to come.
Understand.
Now for the hard part. Without judgement, put yourself in their shoes and write down what they might have been thinking, feeling and doing that led to their behaviour. This is not about condoning or agreeing with their behaviour, it is about trying to understand why they might have acted the way they did.
Finally Letting go and Moving on.
Choose forgiveness. In the end, it’s about being able to honestly say to yourself: “I understand why this happened. It was painful, but now I choose to move forward with my life. I will work to make sure this no longer shapes me, my decisions or my behaviour. From today, I take back control of my life.” It’s about releasing the pain and taking back control, and finally letting go and moving on.
For more information about steps to follow for forgiveness, there are a range of great resources on the Greater Good Science Center website, as well as on Psychology Today. Just search “forgiveness.”