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Need a wellbeing boost? Get out to volunteer! 

19/05/2022 by Marie

The case for volunteering 

If you do one thing this year to boost your wellbeing, make it volunteering.  

National Volunteer Week is an opportunity to celebrate and thank people all around the world who dedicate their precious time and efforts to voluntary service. It’s also a great opportunity to remind you that volunteering can have a huge impact on your happiness levels!  

According to Dr Dawn Carr, author of 5 reasons why you should volunteer, volunteering has been shown to:  

  1. Connect you to others  
  1. Be good for your mind and body 
  1. Advance your career  
  1. Bring meaning and fulfilment to your life  
  1. Be good for society (of course!)  

Not only that but finding the right volunteering activity can also give you the benefits of other proven positive psychology activities such as finding purpose, being social, being generous and practicing kindness – which have all been shown to also improve mood, mental wellbeing, resilience, physical health and even longevity. 

So, kick back and celebrate National Volunteer Week with us by exploring the science behind volunteering, and find out how you can achieve a happier, healthier life. Read on! 

Related reading: Volunteering and Happiness: Why Volunteering is The Superfood of The Positive Psychology Movement 

What the science says about volunteering 

It’s what we do… we look at the science, so here are a bunch of studies about the benefits of volunteering that we think are pretty cool. Read on! 

A quick rundown of the major benefits 

It’s scientifically proven that you can find your own happiness by helping others. Studies suggest that helping others can increase your happiness and improve your health. A growing body of research indicates that volunteering provides not just social benefits but individual health benefits as well. Research from the UK found that volunteering was associated with a positive change in mental wellbeing, showing that people who volunteer become happier over time and those who volunteer more attract greater benefits from the experience. Additionally, economists Stephan Meier & Alois Stutzer released a study in 2004 which concluded that, “volunteering constitutes one of the most important pro-social activities and helping others is the way to higher individual wellbeing.” They found robust evidence that volunteers are more satisfied with their life than non-volunteers.   

Volunteering is the new black 

Released in March 2022, The World Happiness Report 2022 showed us that more than ever, people around the world are prioritising benevolence. This annual global study found remarkable worldwide growth during 2021 in all three acts of kindness monitored in the Gallup World Poll: helping strangers, volunteering and donations. All three measures were strongly up in every part of the world, reaching levels almost 25 per cent more than at pre-pandemic times. “This surge of benevolence, which was especially great for the helping of strangers, provides powerful evidence that people respond to help others in need, creating in the process more happiness for the beneficiaries, good examples for others to follow, and better lives for themselves,” says report co-author, John Helliwell. 

Volunteering brings us closer to others 

A study published in the Journal of Individual Differences, called “Selflessness and Feeling in Harmony with Others Coincides with Greater Happiness,” suggests there’s more to happiness than feeling satisfied with one’s life. The study found that experiencing the self as interdependent coincided with increased happiness through feeling greater harmony with others.  

Cause and effect –aren’t happier people just more likely to volunteer 

For decades there has been a lot of cynicism around positive psychology research. When the many benefits of volunteering started being reported upon, many people asked (and rightly so) whether volunteering really makes people happier, or was it simply a case of happier people being more likely to volunteer? Thankfully a study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies and aptly titled “Does Volunteering Make Us Happier, or Are Happier People More Likely to Volunteer? Addressing the Problem of Reverse Causality When Estimating the Wellbeing Impacts of Volunteering,” helps to answers this question. It turns out there is strong correlation and so we can say, without a doubt, on volunteering makes people happier. Not only that, but the study also showed the association between volunteering and subjective wellbeing, and its equivalent wellbeing value of £911 per volunteer per year on average to compensate for the wellbeing increase associated with volunteering. Also, according to another study, this time from Harvard, volunteering at least once a week yields improvements to wellbeing equivalent to your annual salary doubling!  

Volunteering gets you out of your own head 

Finally, we know that similar to when we experience awe, volunteering can take your focus away from your own self-reflection and help to stimulate contentment and inspiration. So, if you’re feeling down, or in a rut, try finding somewhere to volunteer your time. In the Journal of Happiness Studies, researchers Douglas A. Gentile, Dawn M. Sweet and Lanmiao He again found that doing good deeds through acts of charity or volunteer work can make you feel better and happier, and they also found that simply wishing someone well can have a similarly positive effect on our moods. In fact, even witnessing acts of kindness produces oxytocin, which aids in lowering blood pressure, and improves self-esteem, optimism and our overall heart-health.  

A 2018 study on workers in a Spanish Company saw those giving out acts of kindness were even happier and more content than those who received the acts. “Our results reveal that practicing everyday pro-sociality is both emotionally reinforcing and contagious inspiring kindness and generating hedonic rewards in others,” said researchers, J. Chancellor, S. Margolis, K, Jacobs Bao, S. Lyubomirsky in the American Psychological Association Journal. 


Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Get a weekly dose of happiness by subscribing to the Happiness for Cynics podcast and email newsletter!  

Filed Under: Blog, Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: connection, happiness, kindness, loneliness, mental health, resilience, volunteer, wellbeing

Are Strong Friendships the Answer to Your Covid Woes?

04/08/2021 by Marie

Why Strong Friendships are Even More Important Right Now

Whether you’re in lockdown for the first time or the fifth, or you’re hanging out for a holiday or just a break from the monotony, people all around the world are struggling with Covid and its impacts on our mental health. But there is a simple, science-backed solution to help you regain your resilience and bring happiness back into your life… reach out to your friends. 

A good friend will support you through bad times, boost your confidence, keep your secrets and enrich your life for the better. It’s not about always being there but being there when it counts. They will teach you about yourself and challenge you to be the best version of yourself. They will laugh and cry with you and love you even at your worst. A good friend is not perfect, but hey, neither are you! 

According to Lydia Denworth, author of Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond, a quality friendship must at a minimum have these three attributes: 

  • It’s a stable, longstanding bond;  
  • It’s positive; and  
  • It’s cooperative—it’s helpful, reciprocal, I’m there for you, you’re there for me. 

International Friendship Day

It has always been advantageous to forge strong, mutually beneficial relationships with others. Yet friendships are often overlooked and under-nurtured – particularly in today’s world where it’s easy to like a social media post and think you’ve had a meaningful interaction (FYI – you haven’t).  

Every year, the world celebrates International Friendship Day on 30 July and this year (2021) marks the tenth anniversary. This day was created by the United Nations in the hopes of uniting people and bridging the gaps between race, gender, religion, and other factors that keep people apart. Governments, and other organisations worldwide are encouraged to use this day to promote friendship through listening, communication, expression of feelings and emotions and teaching the foundations of good friendships. Which begs the question, what can we doing to strengthen our friendships? 

Today, with the constant influx of information coming at us from all sides, things are stressful enough. Add in Covid and more lockdowns and it is not a wonder that mental health issues are on the rise. So, what can you do to strengthen those friendships, be good role modals for younger generations and maintain your mental wellbeing during Covid, lockdowns and other tough times? Read on to find out! 

3 Benefits of Strong Friendships 

Friends Are Good for Your Physical Health 

Having a strong circle of friends around you has been proven to decrease feelings of loneliness and also increases your longevity. According to a 2010 study by Live Science, people with strong social connections increased their odds of survival, over a certain time period, by 50 per cent. People with strong social support also have a reduced risk of many significant health problems including diabetes, stroke, high blood pressure and an unhealthy body mass index (BMI). 

Friends Help Build Your Confidence 

A good friend will cheer on your successes and encourage you to do your best. Everyone has self-doubts and insecurities every now and then and that’s why having supporting and loving friends can give you that boost when you need it. A friend can give you praise and reassurance to build your self-esteem and allow you to grow and in turn help others with their confidence issues. 

Friends Help You Beat Stress 

Stressful events are often a part of life, but the good news is research has shown how strong friendships can help you through. Having a good friend in times of high stress is invaluable to you both. You can listen, share, cry and commiserate together. You can be each other’s sounding board and try to work it out together. Knowing that you have someone around that has your back no matter what, can be all you need to beat that stress. 

A 2019 study by Harvard Medical School, revealed that people who have close social connections, have reduced levels of Cortisol (stress hormone) release. Further study suggests that caring behaviours trigger the release of stress-reducing hormones such as Oxytocin, lowering blood pressure and strengthening the immune system.  

Building Strong Friendships 

A good friendship can do so much for us, but what can we do to strengthen those bonds and create new and rewarding friendships? Many of us were brought up with certain values like respect, kindness and honesty, but were we taught to value friendship? How did we miss such a vital life skill that can elevate so much in a person’s life? The good news is it’s never too late to forge a knew friendship, deepen an existing one or even rekindle an old one.  

Here are some great ideas and activities you can do to help strengthen old friendships and create new ones: 

  • Call, video chat or dare I say it, go old-school and catch-up in person with your friends. Let them know how important they are to you and how you appreciate their friendship. 
  • Invite the neighbours or your work colleagues over for afternoon tea, a chat, drinks, or a barbeque. You never know where you’ll find your next best friend. 
  • Get creative. A handmade gift speaks volumes, and your friends will appreciate the time and effort you put into making something for them. 
  • Plan a special day or activity with your friend. It could be spending time at a spa, doing some retail therapy, or going for a walk in the park.  
  • Send a card or letter to let someone know that you’re thinking about them. Sometimes a surprise on a random day can be that much more rewarding. 
  • Bake or cook a meal for a friend or neighbour and drop it off, nothing says ‘I love you’ more than good food! 
  • Google ‘Love Languages” with your friend and work out each other’s love languages. Then you can know how best to show your friend how much they mean to you. 

Whether you’re celebrating International Friendship Day or just any day, remember that true friendship can last a lifetime and needs to be nurtured.  

Listen to our podcast: All About the 5 Love Languages (E30) 


Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!  

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: friendship, kindness, mental health, resilience, support

From Languishing to Flourishing (E70)

07/06/2021 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about how to go from languishing to flourishing in our super busy, stressful and complicated world.

Show notes

During the podcast Pete talks about a segment he heard on Triple J by Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki.

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: And we’re back.

P: Howdy, howdy, howdy!

M: Hi, hi!

P: Laugh. So, I’d like to start off the episode this week Marie with an acknowledgment of country.

M: Aww.

P: It’s reconciliation week this week in Australia, and for those of you who aren’t aware reconciliation week in Australia is about our shared history. Acknowledging our first Nations peoples, acknowledging the shared history that we have [and] addressing some of the issues that have come out of the acknowledgement that shared history in terms of the things that have happened and how we can move forward in a reconciliation format.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: If I could speak our native language, I’d do it but I’m not going to insult our first nations people by attempting that.

M: Laugh.

P: I was thinking about it in terms of a happiness scale, and this is one of those things that you can get involved with, which is going to bring more happiness and more joy into your life. This is an opportunity to go and do something and be involved in a community endeavour.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And we know, and we’ve talked about how volunteering your time and taking part in ethical actions can sometimes bring about good feelings. And those good feelings are sustainable. Going along to a local ceremony or going along to an event showing your support is one way of doing an ethical thing which is going to give you back tenfold in terms of what you put in.

M: Absolutely. And so I would like to pay my respects to elders past, present and emerging, and we live here in Sydney in the Eora nation. So, I did know that. Thank you for springing this on me!

P & M: Laughter.

M: But there are some great activities you can do, and the other thing we talked about is novelty and bringing novelty into your life.

P: Mmm.

M: We haven’t really explored our indigenous history. There are so many fabulous things you can do, particularly around Sydney here.

P: Mmm.

M: We did a wonderful tour through the rocks area and learned about how our ancestors ate and the fish and the ways that they communicated with other tribes that came through and to tell them what was poisonous and what was not.

P: Yep.

M: And learn about the plants and the agriculture and horticulture and all of that …culture.

P & M: Laugh!

M: Not my area of expertise, just throwing that out there!

P: Laugh.

M: Alright, and how they lived as well. And it was a fascinating walk-through modern-day Sydney with learning about past culture.

P: Mmm. There was a wonderful programme I heard this morning on JJJ which is a local youth National Broadcasting Channel, Radio Channel in Australia. Dr. Karl, who most people will know.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Karl Stefanovic.. not Stefanovic. What was his name?

M: Uh, I don’t know. Dr. Karl.

P: I can’t remember, laugh.

M: Does anyone even know their last name?

P: Laugh! Anyway they had a couple of First Nations People on the program this week and one of them was an astronomer who looks at the stars through an indigenous lens.

M: Aww, I love it.

P: And I though, oh that would be really cool, but unfortunately I had to go and do an exam.

M: Oh.

P: Listening to those sort of things or going and experiencing some of the fantastic performances and celebrations that are around and just choosing to be part of that.

M: Mmm.

P: It’s a good way to bring happiness and joy.

M: Absolutely, well thank you for bringing that up.

P: That’s alright, [Super excited voice] what are we talking about this week, Marie?

M: Laugh! We are talking about a really hot topic –

P: Oooh, I like a hot topic!

M: Yes, everyone’s talking about languishing,

P: Oh!

M: and what it is to languish.

P: Oh, I feel like I need to repose in a pool with a gin and tonic.

M: Mmm hmm.

M: So last year, or maybe the year before flourishing, flourishing and thriving were the buzzwords in positive psychology, particularly Arianna Huffington, launched her website Thrive and it’s all about living your best life.

P: Mmm. Now flourishing post covid or during covid we’re still in covid, let’s be honest and sorry for all you Melbourne people down there who are very much still in covid and in the lock down Flourishing is a word that’s come out in the last year to mean just kind of surviving, just living.

P: Oh, really!

M: Uh, not flourishing, languishing!

P: Oh, ok right. I was just gonna say [flourishing] has been dumbed down, laugh.

M: And really is reflected in the fact that in the past year, a lot of us have just been.

P: Existed.

M: You know, I am.

P: Yeah.

M: Yeah, exactly, exactly. So we’re talking about how to get from languishing to flourishing.

P: Flourishing! It just makes you want to sing “Laaaaaa.”

M: And I love that the study that we’re looking at today came from an Aussie!

P: Laugh! Oh, I’ve got to do this haven’t I?

M: You do and how do you pronounce Geraldine’s last name?

P: Geraldine Przybylko. She’s Polish by the look of it.

M: In Australia, yes.

P: So, Geraldine I hope I got that right.

M: Laugh. Ah, yep. It was too much for me, I say that with all the respect in the world.

P: Laugh.

M: Her and her colleagues have just published a new study in the journal of Positive Psychology, which suggests that happiness comes with practise, which we’ve said quite a few times on our show.

P: Yeah.

M: And that you’ve got to put work into being happy. So if you want to go from languishing to flourishing, you’ve got to put in the work.

P: Do the work people. It’s like wanting to play an instrument or be a good sports person and only reading the books or listening on the podcast not actually getting out practising.

P & M: Laughter!

M: And happiness is like that. You can’t just read a book about volleyball and not ever go into a gym and play.

P: Laugh.

M: And unfortunately, a lot of people are buying self-help books and are doing that reading and coming out all inspired, and they’re wondering why they’re not happy three week later.

P: Yeah.

M: So, this study is actually looking at what we need to do, to go from languishing to flourishing.

P: And they’re talking about the combination of two different aspects. One of positive psychology, but combined with lifestyle medicine.

M: Yes.

P: What is the lifestyle medicine Marie?

M: Things like eating well, getting enough sleep. All the things your doctor tells you to do.

P: Or your allied Health Professional?

M: Yes, and positive psychology adds in the positive affirmations.

P: The mental aspect of lifestyle medicine, would you say?

M: Yeah. Mental and emotional.

P: Hmm, ok.

M: Yeah. So, adding those two together in a 10 week program showed a 17% increase in happiness or moving from languishing to flourishing.

P: That’s higher than interest rates in the eighties!

M: Laugh, sure is.

P: Laugh.

M: And not only that, up to 12 weeks afterwards, people were still showing higher happiness levels.

P: So, it’s lasting change.

M: Yes.

P: Ah, ok.

M: It is 10 weeks will give you at least another 10 weeks after that of change.

P: Makes sense though, because in anything that you’re trying to do in terms of habit forming if you’re going to do 10 weeks, you’ve set the practise in motion and you’ve got the habit formed by 10 weeks.

M: Well, the interesting thing about this – I’d say yes, definitely – But they did 10 different things over 10 weeks.

P: Mmm.

M: So, they weren’t setting habits necessarily. So, they did 10 different things over 10 different weeks and combined all of those 10 things, added to people’s happiness or flourishing levels.

P: Oh! So how does one measure our flourishing level?

M: Well, why don’t you tell me?

P & M: Laugh.

P: Well, it’s funny because when I first read this, I went and put my cynic hat on.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: The flourishing scale… And the first thing that came into my mind was ‘how can you rate flourishing scale because it’s very subjective, like pain. My pain is different to your pain.’

M: They have a scale for pain too! And actually, Jo and Francis, when I was in hospital used to hold up the scale to me in the morning.

P: Laughter! But the nature of pain is very subjective, so in terms of comparing data, it’s very difficult.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So, what they’ve done to maybe get past that subjective measure is they’ve created 10 different measures of flourishing, they start with:

Most days I feel a sense of accomplishment from what I do.

M: That’s engagement with your life.

P: Ok yep, next one is:

In the past week I felt calm and peaceful.

M: Again, that’s a measure of not feeling manic and like a lot of people do in today’s day and age.

P: Mmm hmm.

I love learning new things.

M: This would go along with the growth mindset, which has been proven to make people happier than people who don’t have growth mindset. Yep, love it.

P: Yeah.

I generally feel that what I do in my life is valuable and worthwhile.

M: Purpose, yep purpose we know that one.

P: Laugh.

Always optimistic about my future.

M: Always is a strong word, isn’t it?

P: Laugh, yeah. Well, I don’t know anyone who’s always [optimistic].

M: We’re reading these on a scale right? So perhaps for this one a 7 is good.

P: Yeah.

Taking all things together, how happy would you say you are?

There are people in my life who really care about me.

M & P: Social connection, laugh.

P: We know you love that one, Muz.

When things go wrong in my life it generally does not take me a long time to get back to normal.

P: Resilience!

M: This is resilience, Pete!

P: Laugh. Geez, I’m getting good at this, I only went over this today.

M: Look at us, we know what we’re talking about!

P & M: Laughter!

P: [gunshot noises] Pew, pew, pew!

M: That’s a bit of a surprise, research that we’ve actually talked about!

P: Laughter, ok last two:

In general, I feel very positive about myself.

P: Projection.

M: There’s something Aussie and cynical in me that’s like ‘stop being so arrogant!’

P & M: Laugh.

P: And the last one:

In the past week, I had a lot of energy.

M: [Lack of energy] Is an early sign for depression. Just feeling really lacklustre and not feeling like wanting to do anything.

P: It’s one of the markers for leading to different conditions.

M: Interesting.

P: So, asking yourself those questions is a really good way to measure your flourishing. And I guess you would collate the points score together and measure it out of 100 see where you’re sitting. So, if you are 66 okay, my flourishing level is above average, above 50.

M: I don’t think that you would compare it average. I think the key point there is subjective happiness like you said before happiness is subjective. So, you start at 66 which is neither good nor bad.

P: Ok, yep.

M: And after the end, have you gone up?

P: Oh, ok.

M: You know, is your level at 88?

P: Just like a remedial exercise program, laugh.

M: And after 10 weeks if you continue and do another 10 weeks of it do you get more gain?

P: Aahhh, that would be interesting. Or to do it spasmodically. Spasmodically?

M: Laugh.

P: Periodically, like throughout year at different points or a three-monthly exercise. We can re-visit our goals once a year, maybe we could revisit our flourishing level once a quarter, when do your tax return, laugh.

M: And you know what, they say you can’t prove what you don’t measure.

P: Mmm, I agree.

M: And I think it needs to be something that we’re more systemic, systematic and put more attention towards.

P: And this is a really, easy tool to do that. It’s a really easy way to come up with a measurement without going ‘Oh, where do I rate myself today?’ This is just answering questions off the cuff.

M: Yep, absolutely. So, let’s move to the activities because that’s really where it’s interesting, I think.

P: Ok.

M: What can you put in practise that is going to tangibly improve your happiness levels? And these 10 things, so one a week is what they did, they had a daily challenge and a weekly challenge.

P: Ok.

M: So every day there was something little. And then over the week they had a lot more, like bigger things, that they needed to do. So, week one – really, really easy, Speak positively.

P: Ahh, yeah, the inner voice. Change the inner voice.

M: Yes, and now the first one, if you’re not someone who likes to look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful, wonderful, smart, and intelligent –

P: Laugh.

M: – this might make you breathe a sigh of relief; It is offering a genuine compliment. So once a day for a week offer a genuine compliment to someone else.

P: That’s pretty easy to do, yeah.

M: It is, as long as you focus on doing it, you remember to do it.

P: Yeah.

M: Put it in the diary, put a reminder in your phone, whatever it is and then make sure that you do it. And then the weekly challenge was memorize an inspirational text or saying.

P: I love that.

M: Absolutely and I love that, because when was the last time you actually sat down and memorised text?

P: All the time, laugh!

M: Memorized?

P: Yeah.

M: So, you can quote it back later?

P: Yeah.

M: I’m so 21st century brain, I consume so much and retain and remember so little, laugh.

P: Yeah, right-o ok.

M: To be really honest.

P: That’s possibly something I have done a lot of through my positive psychology training, remembering things that I can pull out of a hat or let inspire you.  

M: It’s about mindfulness in a way. It’s really connecting deeply with something in the moment that’s, that’s beautiful and ironic that I don’t do it more often, laugh.

P: It was also part of my blog, I used to always end with a quote.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So, I had that in there, that I had a weekly task of finding a quote. You do that.

M: I have a quote for my weekly newsletter, do I remember them?

P & M: No, laugh!

M: I love them in the moment.

P & M: Laugh.

M: But I don’t commit them to memory because it’s about going that next step.

P: Yep.

M: So, that was week one. Week two, this one’s for you, Pete.

P: Oh.

M: Move dynamically.

P: Woo hoo! Dance, dance, dance.

M: Yes.

P: Dance naked around the kitchen! It’s really fun! Just do it when your flatmate’s not coming home from volleyball.

M: Laugh, sorry Charlie.

P: Laugh!

M: So, for one week only, you’re going to really commit to some exercise. So, they say 30 minutes of moderate exercise or 10,000 steps.

P: Yeah.

M: Yeah, we do that every single day for one week. And then the weekly challenge is really quite easy. So on one of those days, do 20 minutes of guided resistance exercise, that’s like weights.

P: Yeah, Thera-bands, body-weight work, some gymnastics, handstands!

M: All right. Week three – Immerse in an uplifting natural environment.

P: Aahhh, forest bathing!

M: Get out into nature.

P: Forest bathing, it’s a thing.

M: 30 minutes a day. Essentially, what they’re asking is for 10 weeks, put 30 minutes aside to be happier.

P: Yes.

M: So 30 minutes a day, you know, out near a lake, the beach, the mountains.

P: Find a local park, there’s so many of them around in Sydney.

M: Yep or go to the beach. And then the weekly challenges to experience a sunrise.

P: Oooh, that’s a hard one.

M: It sure is.

P: Laugh! Mind you I’ve been getting up really early.

M: Eeuggh, sunrise early?

P: Yeah.

M: It’s the middle of winter.

P: Yeah, I know, it’s not hard ‘cause it’s later, laugh.

M: …Okay, all right. Week four – Immerse in a positive social environment.

P: Mmm.

M: So daily, do something intentional, to show you care.

P: Ok.

M: And weekly, this one’s a good one, forgive someone who’s hurt you.

P: Oh, that’s opening up a can of worms.

M: Yeah, and we’ve spoken about forgiveness before. Forgiveness is not about that person.

P: Mmm.

M: It’s about you letting go of things and your anger.

P: Yeah, and it’s not about you saying ‘I forgive you.’ It’s just the action and you don’t have to express it.

M: Yep.

P: I think that’s what people fear, ‘I simply can’t do it!’

M: No, no, no, you never have to talk to them again.

P: Yeah.

M: And you don’t have to approve of their behaviour, or anything like that. It’s about you.

P: Yeah.

M: Alright, week five – Look to the positive. So spend 15 minutes reflecting on three things that went well everyday.

P: Oooh.

M: That’s gratitude.

P: Yep.

M: We talked about that before and then weekly, write a letter of gratitude to someone and share it with them.

P: Aww.

M: Again, we’ve spoken about the power of that well.

P: Yep.

M: Week six – Eat nutritiously.

P: Yeah, we know this works.

M: Oh, this is my downfall.

P: Gasp!

M: Laugh! Eat eight servings of plant based food a day.

P: Yes.

M: it’s really… You’re not going to be hungry.

P: No.

M: Eight servings of plant-based food, unless your choosing lettuce each time.

P: Laugh, even lettuce will fill you up.

M: Absolutely. You know you can definitely feel full off that.

P: Yep.

M: And then the weekly challenge is to prepare a high fibre, plant based meal with one or more friends.

P: Yes!

M: Make it social.

P: Sook socially, it’s good fun.

M: It’s very, the weekly challenge is very 21st century, isn’t it?

P: Mmm.

M: Plant based, that wasn’t even a thing 20 years ago.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: So, we’re definitely not only doing what’s better for our bodies, but being environmentally conscious about it.

P: Laugh.

M: Okay, Week seven – Rest – sleep.

P: Sleep, sleep more! So, many studies done about this.

M: Yes.

P: And it always comes up. If we don’t rest, we don’t regenerate.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And one hour sleep deprivation is enough to downgrade your immune system by 50%.

M: Look at you and your course knowledge.

P: Laugh.

M: Or stats, that you remember.

P: Laugh.

M: So, this is about committing to spending eight hours in bed without a device.

P: Mmm.

M: It doesn’t count if you’re watching cat videos.

P: The better way is to plug it into a wall socket away from you bed.

M: Yep.

P: Put it in another room and make your room device free.

M: Or go to bed early, and so I read on my device, I know it’s not good, and then I’ll put it away, but I’m very good at getting my eight hours of sleep. I’m a cranky –

P: Laugh!

M: – person if I don’t. And then the weekly challenge to add to that was to spend an evening by firelight.

P: Oh, oh, candle-light, does that work?

M: Yes.

P: Alright, that’s easy.

M: Alright, week eight, I’m loving seven and eight, these are right up my alley. Week eight is –

Rest – from stress.

P: Oh.

M: So your daily challenges is to spend 15 minutes in a quiet place, relaxing and being mindful of your surroundings.

P: Ah, a bit of meditation time.

M: Yes.

P: Go, sit under a tree, hear the birdies tweeting. Sit in church, go and sit in a church, you don’t have to pray. Churches are great for that, they’re wonderful places –

M: They’re really beautiful.  

P: – and they’re quite, great to sit in and be awed and inspired.

M: Yep. And then the weekly challenge for that one is to take a day off work and have a digital Sabbath.

P: Mmm.

M: So, so offline for 24 hours to recharge.

P: Yeah, escape.

M: So, I guess if you can, you know, go camping or find somewhere just quiet and away from all your stresses and be quiet for a day.

P: Mmm, mmm.

M: All right, keep going. Number nine is – Serving others. So, your daily challenge is to perform a random act of kindness.

P: Laughter! Done.

M: Mmm hmm. And your weekly challenge is to use your signature strength to perform an act of service, so I don’t think we’ve actually covered signature strengths yet.

P: Not yet.

M: But the VIA [Values In Action] signature strength test [The VIA Character Strengths Survey], so, that’s from Penn University in the States, it’s a really good way to just understand yourself better.

P: Hmm.

M: And the thinking used to be in the corporate world in the nineties and early two thousand’s that you wanted to understand your strengths and weaknesses and work on your weaknesses so that you were a well-rounded human-being.

P: Yeah, yeah,

M: The thinking nowadays is screw that –

P: Laugh.

M: if you’re not good at it don’t bother!

P: Laughter!

M: Unless it’s really holding you back.

P: Yeah.

M: And to really focus in on what your strengths are and double down on that.

P: Oh, ok.

M: If that’s what you’re good at, go do that!

P: Yeah.

M: And make sure that that’s part of your job.

P: Well, that taps into purpose as-well doesn’t it? And that concept of Ikigai, where you’re doing something you’re passionate about that you’re good at.

M: Passionate about, yeah. Because we’re normally not passionate about stuff that we don’t… that we’re not good at.

P: Mmm. Yeah, no, true.

M: So this is, again VIA strengths assessment, and you can go do that for free online and just get a better understanding what your strengths are.

P: Mmm.

M: And last one, week 10, the question is – What does it take to flourish? So your daily challenge is continue the challenges that you found to be helpful.

P: Ok.

M: And your weekly challenge is to continue the challenges that you found to be helpful.

P: Laughter!

M: It’s a bit of a cheat week, isn’t it? Laugh.

P: Yeah, it’s a week off. Laugh, ah we’ll give you a break!

M: So, I guess before we wrap up. The whole point of talking about this in today’s episode is to say that we talk about so many of these things every week, don’t we?

P: Mmm, yeah.

M: But just like exercising or learning an instrument, we can’t just talk about it and we can’t just listen to a podcast.

P: Mmm.

M: You’ve actually got to put this stuff into the practise.

P: Yep.

M: And if you do, this latest study here shows that you can improve your happiness or move away from languishing and more towards flourishing and loving life by up to 17%.

P: Yep, that’s a decent figure.

M: Sure is. Who wouldn’t want to be 17 percent happier?

P: Definitely.

M: I think Dan Harris, wrote a book 10% Happier.

So, this is like kicking you ass down, laugh.

P: Hey, we’re one up! Laugh! Throw that challenge glove down!

M & P: Laugh!

M: Absolutely, well on that note we’ll end for the week.

P: Enjoy your tasks people.

M: Wishing you a happy week.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

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Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: Flourishing, gratitude, happiness, kindness, purpose, Rest

Random Acts of Kindness (E69)

31/05/2021 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about random acts of kindness, how they will make you happier, and challenge you to get involved.

Show notes

During the podcast Marie and Pete briefly discuss racism and Pete mentions that they will come back to the discussion later. Unfortunately they ran out of time this episode and will hopefully discuss this topic at another time. Please feel free to suggest podcast topics, post a question or even just leave a comment at www.marieskelton.com

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: And we’re back.

P: We’re back. Fun fact –

M: That we’re back?

P: No, no. I’ve got a fun fact for you.

M: Laugh! Ok, yes. What’s your fun fact?

P: Laughter lowers cortisol.

M: Stress hormone.

P: Yes.

M: Ohhh.

P: It came up in a lecture of mine this week. Laughter lowers cortisol and I’m like ‘oh! I know this!’ Laughter!

M: Should we do some laughter yoga now?

P: Exactly, laugh.

M: Though, I don’t know if you need it, you’re already laughing.

P: But, I thought it was really interesting that, you know, this came out a lecture. Laughter actually lowers your stress hormone. So, if you’re having a bad week, the best thing that you can do for immediate effect is to go out and get a laugh.

M: Yep.

P: However, that happens if it’s going out and doing something silly, like walking around the house naked or if it’s going to a comedy show, watching your favourite movie.

M: Or having a laugh in the mirror for 60 seconds like we practised the other week.

P: Oh yeah.

M: It’s so easy, so, so easy and I’ve been doing in the mornings –

P: Laugh.

M: – and it’s just so mind blowing to me that such a simple 60 second thing can make such an impact.

P: It makes such a difference and I think that it’s worth investing in. So, get out there and laugh people!

M: Laugh.

P: Enjoy.

M: So, I went through our stats on our [podcast].

P: Ooh!

M: Guess which episode is the most popular?

P: Snigger, oh ooh… Laugh, I don’t want to guess this!

M: Laugh! It’s the only explicit one that we’ve had.

P: Oh! Oh, the swearing!

M: The swearing!

P & M: Laughter!

P: You people are wrong! So wrong! Really? Swearing got a lot of hits?

M: Absolutely.

P: That’s funny.

M: Can Swearing Make You Happier. I think people are trying to justify their swearing, laugh!

P: I love it. So, someone actually asked me the other day when I was talking about the podcast, and they said ‘Oh, you do a podcast?’

And I was like ‘Yeah, yeah.’

‘Which episode should I listen to first?’

And I was like ‘…I’m really not sure.’

M: Laugh.

P: If you listen to the first episode, you get really bored, laugh.

M: Mmm.

P: But if you listen to the last episode, you go ‘these guys are crazy!’

M: Probably, I’d go from last to first.

P: Well, I actually said, our episode on self-care, Self-Care is Church for Non-Believers.

M: Aww.

P: I thought that was a good starting point.

M: Yeah, yep, yep, I think so. We finally relaxed at that point.

P: I said this, I said that if you listen to the first episode, we’re going to be very formal.

M: We might need to go re-record that one.

P: Well, actually, we would love to hear from our listeners and ask, What’s your favourite episode thus far? Let us know?

M: Yes.

P: Because sitting here on the bed as we do.

M & P: Laugh.

P: Sometimes we’re not clued in as to what the formula is and what works. But if there’s an episode that you’ve really enjoyed, we would love to hear from you and here what that episode got for you.

M: Yep. All right, we’re moving on to today’s episode,

P: Which is…

M: Random Acts of Kindness.

P: Aww!

M: Now we’ve spoken about kindness before.

P: Lots.

M: Yes. So, I’m going to skim over the science, which is that kindness works, be kind, right?

P: Laugh. Do it people, do it.

M: That is the science, laugh.

P: Yep.

M: And today we wanted to just go through all of the fabulous things that you could do and put a challenge out there.

P: Oooh!

M: Now, you’re busy, I’m busy, but we’re going to pick one each and report back next week.

P: We are?

M: That is the deal, yes.

P: You’re giving me homework!

M: We’re giving everyone homework.

P: I haven’t finished my PHS [Population, Health & Society] essay yet and it’s driving me crazy! I can’t.

M: This is more homework.

P & M: Laughter.

M: And the great thing about this, just like the laughter yoga for 60 seconds or the gratitude journaling, it’s a 60 second activity.

P: Oh, alright… I’m in.

M: But you can’t bail on this.

P: [Reluctantly] I’m in.

M: So, what we’re talking about is finding a way to be kind to others.

P: Awe… It’s a Cinderella moment.

M: It’s so simple. And I’m going to quote Amelia Earhart here.

P: Oooh.

M: Who said, “A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions and the roots spring up and make new trees.”

P: That’s so true.

M: Well, just like with laughter, which we said was contagious and has been shown to be contagious. Kindness is the same thing, and couldn’t we all use just that little bit more kindness in the world?

P: It’s the pay it forward principle.

M: Yes!

P: You know, taking something and pushing it forward to someone else. When you get a gift, pass it on.

M: And not because you should, but because it will make you feel good about yourself.

P: The science says so, laugh.

M: The science says, absolutely.

P: Listen to me? What have you done to me Marie?

M: Laugh. You know, you’re not scientific if you just say ‘the science says!’

P: Laugh!

M: So you can go back and listen to some of our previous episodes if you would like the science because it does exist.

P: Laugh.

M: It’s not just us saying the ‘science says so.’

P: It’s there somewhere, I don’t know, I just blast over that stuff.

M: Laugh.

P: Marie’s the one on the science, laugh.

M: Well, it is there definitely. But today we wanted to talk about random acts of kindness specifically and give everyone some ideas and maybe give ourselves some ideas for what we’re going to do in this upcoming week.

P: Mmm, OK. So how often would you have a random act of kindness in a week?

M: I think it’s a mindset.

P: Hmm.

M: I think that no one ever was hurt by giving too much kindness to others. And I think that lives could be saved by small acts of kindness being received.

P: Do you think we’ve lost the ability to be kind to each other in the current contemporary society? Ooh, that’s a deep question.

M: I don’t think that society prioritises [kindness] enough. It’s seen as a weakness just like happiness. So Shawn Achor’s book, it’s a great book about happiness at work, shows that what we thought about success is actually the opposite. So, you don’t – there we go, The Happiness Advantage.

M: Successful people aren’t happier, happy people are more successful.

P: Mmm.

M: And I think with kindness, it’s similar and the research shows that as well. Being kind to others is seen as a weakness, but people who mentor others and care for others make better leaders and generally do better. So if you bring people along with you rather than tearing them down in the work environment or a team environment, you’ll succeed more.

P: Yeah.

M: So, I think there’s a lot of misconceptions around kindness, and we maybe need to correct some of those.

P: Misconceptions in what way? Who doesn’t want to be kind?

M: I think that you can get very jaded with this very busy life that we live, and it becomes…

P: An effort to be kind?

M: No, not a priority.

P: Interesting.

M: We’ve become quite selfish, particularly in corporates which are quite cut throat at times.

P: Yep. Well, competitiveness breeds cutthroat.

M: Exactly. And the irony is that the more competitive you are, the more kind you should be. You shouldn’t be cutting kindness off your list of things to do in a day or a week. You should be adding it deliberately and scheduling it in.

P: Mmm.

M: That is my challenge.

P: I think this scheduling it is quite difficult because it is very easy to put on your blinkers. And we had this in an episode a couple of weeks ago, we talked about the taxi driver and the woman getting in, and she was exhausted and she was just over her day and she just wanted to get home. But she chose to engage with the taxi driver. Now, is that an act of kindness?

M: Mmm… That’s not being a dick.

P: Laugh! Well okay, yeah there is that as well, it is coming down to being a dick not being a dick.

M: Yep.

P: Choosing, choosing to actually engage with people and also see people for who they are.

M: It’s stopping to say ‘how are you?’ when a cashier says ‘Hi, how are you?’

P: Yeah, well you had an episode recently when you were on a call centre and you spoke to a lady in India.

M: Yes. So, you know, again, I was on a call trying to get my banking sorted or something. And I have to say those call centres and the rigmarole you go through just to click all the numbers and get to where you want to go –

P: Yeah.

M: – and you’re on hold.

P: Definitely.

M: It sets you up to be in a bad mood, by the time you actually talk to someone.

P: You do because you’re frustrated, because you’re sitting there for 25 minutes going ‘I could be doing so much more with my time!’

M: Absolutely, and lady got on the phone and she was efficient and good at what she did. And I could hear the accent. And I said to her, I hear an accent where you from? And I could hear the hesitation in her voice actually, because I’m sure based on that one question, I could go either way.

P: Mmm, she’s scared. Yeah, exactly.

M: Right, [some] people are racist.

P: That’s a point to come back to later in the episode, I think. Is that questioning of like, ‘do I let myself be exposed here?’

M: Yep. So, she said she was in Mumbai, and I said, ‘I am just so sorry for what is happening in your country right now. I am so blessed that we’re in Australia and that we have no cases, at the moment here, and I can’t even imagine how hard that would be for you right now.’

P: Mmm.

M: And you could hear the relief in her voice just from that one acknowledgement –

P: That one comment, yeah.

M: – that other people are doing it tough and, you know I felt bad.

P: Mmm.

M: So look, I’m not trying to put myself up on a pedestal because I behave like a dick too.

P & M: Laughter!

M: Being honest. We’re all human.

P: But it’s having the presence of mind to acknowledge a human when you’re engaging with them, because I think in society in general we’ve become so used to not engaging as humans, and we lost that ability to recognise that this is a person on the other end of the line.

M: Yeah, a lot of the time, it is simply about remembering to say thank you for something meaningful to people you interact with every day. So next time you talk to your boss, next time you talk to a colleague, what can you add into that conversation that’s going to make them feel happy and put a smile on their face?

P: Mmm, yep. I agree.

M: So simple. Less than 60 seconds, Pete.

P: Laugh!

M: To be kind!

P: Laugh.

M: Help someone else to feel good about their day and to bring joy to their day.

P: Which brings joy to your life. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. It brings you back so much more than what you give out. It’s five seconds of your moment, but it brings you back so much more goodness, in terms of all the all those lovely things that we like to exhibit with neurotransmitters.

M: The first way to be kind or random act of kindness that I think most people can do is to have a look through your house for what you could recycle or up-cycle and pop it on gum tree. Or give it to Vinnies or whatever charity organisation is in your area, for free.

P: I actually have had experiences with that with gum tree. I was selling a very old set of stereo speakers that my Mother gave to me.

M: Aww.

P: Which was, you know, there is old as I am. I remember Mum getting them, they were huge.

M: Were you 21?

P: [Indistinct noises] … I’ll come back to that one.

M: Laugh.

P: But this lovely bloke came around to pick them up and he was super keen. And when you sell something on gum tree, it’s a free for all, you know, you getting these random messages from people going ‘I love you, I love your family, I just want to buy your product.’

M & P: Laugh.

P: It’s like if you could bottle that you’d be a rich person. So, this guy turned up in his little is little Suzuki 121? or whatever it was and he got these massive speakers in there. And then he said ‘oh, you know, I was wondering if you could sell them for $5 cheaper?’ And I went ‘You know what dude, have-em, take-em, I don’t care. Just take em. And he was like ‘Oh, really?’ ‘Yeah, sure. Off you go, enjoy!’ Laugh.

M: And that would have made his day.

P: Exactly, and it was the reaction of his surprise that made me feel really good and so that fuelled me for a couple of days.

M: Yep, absolutely. And that is something that nearly every person can go do whether it’s clothes that don’t fit you anymore, items in the kitchen that you just don’t use, we’ve all got them.

P: Yeah, oh yeah! A George Foreman Grill, laugh.

M: Absolutely. A really, really easy way to, just make someone’s life that little bit easier. Or if you’re going to sell it on gum tree or Facebook marketplace or whatever, give away for free and you’re really going to help someone out. That’s my number one and I can say tick for the week because we did that this morning with our old washing machine.

P: Yay.

M: But I’m going to add more on for us this week.

P: OK, I’m going to throw in here. The one for me is to give to a homeless person.

M: Yes.

P: It’s so easy to walk past someone on the street and even easier now in the day of the non-cash society that we are –

M: Yes.

P: – where everything is done by card. To actually have some cash in your wallet and to give someone not just one or two dollars but to give them $10.

M: If you can afford $10 a quarter or a month, you know.

P: Yeah.

M: Put that aside as something that you’re going to give with no strings attached.

P: Yep.

M: No expectations.

P: It’s an honest, generous giving notion and when it happens spontaneously, I reckon the happiness level that you get from that is five-fold.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s such a gorgeous gift to go ‘here, have this’ and to see the person’s reaction. It’s like giving presents at Christmas. It’s one thing to send something to someone. It’s another thing to watch them open it and watch the joy and the excitement that, for me, is really precious. And I think that when you actually do that, when you surprise someone by saying ‘I’m not going to give you a coin, I’m going to give you a note.’

M: Yep.

P: And I want you to take this and buy something nice for yourself.

M: Absolutely. We took a lady in the shop next to where she was asking for money and got her a sandwich and we asked,

‘Do you want it toasted?’

‘That would be great’, because it was a bit chilly and

‘Do you want to drink with that?’ and she was like,

‘Could I?’

P: Oh, wow.

M: And I said ‘Do you want dessert?’ Laugh, and just the look on her face. Like, if I couldn’t, couldn’t buy lunch, that would just, yeah I can’t imagine.

P: I think we can get a bit cynical about it as well in contemporary society, we think these people aren’t really poor. They’re not really homeless. They’re just pretending.

M: Or, you know, they brought it on themselves –

P: Oooh!

M: Or what have they done? They could get a job if they wanted to.

P: Yeah, yeah.

M: There’s so much judgement that can so easily creep into your heart.

P: And that’s the cynic, which is why we did this podcast.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s drop that cynicism, actually see the person for who they are.

M: You don’t even have to, you can just give the 10 bucks and walk on and feel better.

P: True. Yeah, yeah ok.

M: Laugh. If that makes you uncomfortable.

P: See, I like the being uncomfortable.

M: Yep.

P: I think if it’s uncomfortable, it’s challenging. And there’s something… Nothing great comes from being comfortable. I’ve said this a lot in the last few months, that has been a really interesting one for me. No great achievement comes from being in a comfortable space.

M: Yep.

P: You need to challenge yourself. You need to push yourself to be better and that comes in being generous and being kind. You need to push yourself a little bit out of your comfort zone. So the next time the guy comes to your windscreen, to wash your windscreen. Think about that. It’s really easy to dismiss them and go ‘I haven’t got any change in my car anymore, I’m cash-less.’

M: Mmm hmm.

P: What else could you offer? What else could you provide?

M: If strangers are not your cup of tea. There are so many other ways that you can help-out people who are closer in your circle as well, like your neighbours.

P: Oh.

M: We often, don’t speak to our neighbours. I honestly, I’m not throwing rocks because I have no idea who my neighbours are.

P: Laugh.

M: I live in apartment block, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen most of them, we just don’t cross paths ever.

P: Yeah. It’s a very dense city experience.

M: Yes, absolutely. So, things like taking their garbage bins out. Or if you’ve got elderly neighbours and you’re mowing your lawn, you know, helping them out with theirs.

P: Mmm.

M: Things like that can make a really big difference to someone.

P: I’m going to give a shout out here, so I often refer to my Mum in a very negative light sometimes.

M: It’s family, if I ever said anything bad about your Mother, you’d deck me.

P: Laugh! I rip on her a bit. So here we go, my Mum, my Mum, is difficult to love, don’t get me wrong, she’s a hard nut. But there was a lady across the road and she was impaired, physically impaired with illness and Mum used to go out, go across the road, go to the woodpile and bring the wood to the back door –

M: Aww.

P: – so that she didn’t have to go down the stairs to get to the wood. And that sparked off a friendship that sparked off a relationship. And then it turned to Mum, getting the mail, bringing her groceries. All this sort of stuff that Mum just did out of the goodness of kindness. It was like ‘she can’t do it, so I’m going to help her out.’ And when this lovely lady passed away, Mum was like ‘oh’, Mum rang me and she said, ‘I lost my mate today.’ And whenever Mum says that to me, it’s a very poignant moment because, as I said, Mum’s a bit difficult to love sometimes.

M: Giggle.

P: But there’s this lovely generosity in there and when Mum decides to support you, you get supported.

And she said ‘Oh, I lost my mate today.’

And I said, ‘Oh Mum, I’m so sorry.’

And she goes, ‘Yeah, yeah, it was really tough, she got wheeled away and that was the last time that I saw her.’

Three months later, a brand-new television arrived on Mum’s doorstep. The daughters of this lady said, ‘you looked after our Nan – sorry the Grand-daughters – you looked after Nan in her final years and this was something that we bought for her, but we never got to give to her, so we thought you might like it.’

M: Aww. A random act of kindness.

P: Yeah, a random act of kindness and every time that Mum turns on the television to watch the footy, she thinks of her mate. That’s soul fulfilling.

M: Aww, what a lovely story!

P: It’s a brilliant story. You can have that much impact on someone’s life from a random act of kindness.

M: Absolutely, and you don’t even have to go to that length, you don’t even have to give money. You can do something as simple as learning the security guard’s name.

P: Yes.

M: Hi Bob, as you walk in the door.

P: Yep, makes a huge difference.

M: Absolutely, or the receptionist or people that work in your area there are a huge list of things that you can do on a fabulous website called…

P: Random Acts of Kindness

M: dot com!

P: Laugh.

M: It’ll be tough to remember that one, I’m sure.

And they have a lovely calendar, and what I love about their calendar is that they have so many ideas, things like leaving notes for people to find with beautiful messages.

P: Oh! I remember someone doing that for me not looking anywhere but right to my side for my 37th birthday.

M: Laugh, aww. Yep.

P: I still find them, laugh.

M: Or become a blood donor.

P: Yep.

M: That’s not going to cost you anything. Plus, they have really good snacks.

P & M: Laugh.

M: And they’re normally really lovely. So, there’s so many things. They’re all on this site, and in particular they’ve got a kindness calendar so you can kind of theme it. There’s things you can do with your family or your friends, and you’ll never be short of ideas for random acts of kindness.

P: Is that the challenge to this week, Marie? Are we all supposed to go in the calendar and find one act?

M: Absolutely.

P: Is that what we’re doing?

M: I think that is the challenge. Find and do?

P: Alright. So, we’ve got to action it. All right.

M: And as I said, it could be simple and free. Praise someone publicly for their work.

P: Oh, yeah.

M: Something that they’ve done. Go check out the Random Acts of Kindness dot com website, there are some great ideas on the site. Or just look for their calendar and scroll through. There are so many good ideas and they will make you feel better as well.

P: Mmm.

M: And if you really like this idea about spreading kindness and the site is all dedicated to spreading kindness throughout the world and making the world a kinder place, if you buy into that, then schedule it in, first of every month, do something that brings kindness because, as we know, if you don’t schedule it and prioritise that, you forget it, no matter how good it makes you feel, you’ll do it once and never again.

P: Yeah, the other way of doing that is to pop it on the fridge.

M: Yep. Although, I forget things [on the fridge], like I’ve got these gorgeous things that I’ve had in my fridge, and I never remember to look at them.

P: Laugh. Well, maybe put it on your mirror in the bathroom, something to remind you that you did a good thing.

M: Yep.

P: And acknowledge yourself for it because I think that’s actually the beauty of it is when you acknowledge it yourself.

M: Yep.

P: I think that’s where the magical lies.

M: Well actually, there’s some stuff in this calendar about being kind to yourself as well.

P: Oooh, that’s another episode.

M: All right, well, on that note, we should wrap up then, so be kind.

P: Ohhhh. It’s a Cinderella moment.

M: Laugh, until next week.

P: You didn’t do your cut off.

M: What cut off?

P: You didn’t do your cut off. What was the cut off? Not ‘be happy.’

M: Have a happy week?

P: That’s it.

M: Laugh. Alright, have a happy week, guys. Bye.

P: Laugh. Bye!

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: caring, gratitude, happiness, kind, kindness

10 Random Act Of Kindness Ideas for the Holidays

09/12/2020 by Marie

Random act of kindness ideas

10 simple random act of kindness ideas to bring some extra joy to the world

There’s no doubt about it – 2020 has been hard. 

With COVID-19 lockdowns, travel restrictions, and bans, it seems like the fun was sucked out of the world in an instant. In some cities, it’s even hard to travel across town to grab a coffee with friends!

I think we can all agree we need to spread a little love right now (instead of the virus). So, I’ve collected some of my favourite random act of kindness ideas, so this holiday season you can bring happiness to the people in your life – while giving yourself a little mental health booster, too.

Read on!

Idea #1: Give someone an unexpected compliment

“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  — Mark Twain

I couldn’t have said it better myself. The benefits of giving a compliment go both ways – giving and receiving! The National Institute for Physiological Sciences says receiving a compliment can produce the same effect in your brain as receiving money.

Think overwhelming happiness, gratitude, excitement, and unconditional love!

It’s good for the soul and builds trust and confidence in the receiver. It’s a win-win situation – so next time a positive thought comes to mind about a friend, coworker, family member, or even a stranger on the street, reach out and let them know!

Idea #2: Let someone cut in front of you in line

We can all be a little selfish sometimes. Whether we’re sitting in traffic or waiting in line at the shops, we can be quick to lose our tempers and put ourselves first, no questions asked.

Sometimes, a random act of kindness can be as simple as letting someone cut in front of you in line at the movies, the shops, the bar – anywhere.

The receiver will feel a sudden sense of gratitude – who knows, you might even make their day, or help them get where they’re going much faster. Meanwhile, you can enjoy the endorphins that come from a simple act of kindness (a natural pain killer – goodbye, headaches.)

Idea #3: Pay for someone else’s lunch or coffee

In the same vein as idea #2, footing the bill for a friend, family member, coworker, or even a stranger’s lunch can be incredibly rewarding. 

You never know what someone else is going through. The stranger waiting in line behind you might only be able to afford a bran muffin, or a coffee… no milk, no sugar. If you’re feeling generous, consider footing the bill for the person behind you.

You might make their day, or even trigger a “pay it forward” chain reaction and leave a trail of kindness behind you.

Idea #4: Sit down and have a chat with someone experiencing homelessness 

According to recent statistics, 50 out of every 10,000 Australians are sleeping rough on the streets. The last time a global homelessness survey was attempted by the United Nations, around 100 million people were homeless worldwide. 

As many as 1.6 billion people lacked adequate housing. This was 2005 – there’s no knowing the true numbers now. 

We all get caught up in our own lives. We also get distracted by the hustle and bustle of everyday life, running to-and-fro to get things done. Sometimes, unfortunately, this can make us forget or avoid people experiencing homelessness in the streets.

“I don’t think people do it on purpose – it could be that they don’t know what to say; it could be that we are desensitised,” Major Bruce Harmer of Sydney’s Salvation Army said.

“People who find themselves on the street need our love, our care and attention. I’ve heard people say, ‘If it wasn’t for that person saying good morning to me today, it was going to be my last day’.”

A small act of kindness can be as simple as getting down on their level, saying hello, and having a decent conversation with them. Standing over someone sleeping rough can be condescending, even daunting – sit down and open up a dialogue with this person.

It could make their day – and before asking if they’d like some food, make sure it’s what they want, or what they’re comfortable with. They may not react well to charity.

Idea #5: Pay for a parking ticket and leave it in the machine for the next person

Paying for parking can be such a chore – especially in big cities where the parking prices are sky high. If you’re looking for a fun and simple random act of kindness idea, pay for a parking ticket and leave it in the machine for the next person.

An all day ticket is even better. The receiver will be stoked to have free parking, even for a day. It could be $10, $20, even $30 saved for more exciting things.

Idea #6: Donate gifts to a local charity for kids in need 

Your local charity is always looking for donations – clothes, homewares, shoes, and of course, gifts for the holiday season. The great part about this activity is that decluttering is good for the soul too!

Alternatively, you could reach into your pockets this holiday season and fill up a “Santa Sack” with lots of toys, fun activities, and “one size fits all” clothing items for kids, like fun hats and costumes. You’ll bring joy to children. 

You don’t have to spend a fortune on gifts, either. Just look for fun, cost effective toys for kids – even classics like a barrel of monkeys, or a board game like “Guess Who” or Scrabble. Alternatively, dig through your belongings and look for fun toys and activities you don’t need anymore.

Idea #7: Show your gratitude to a teacher or role model by giving them a gift

Gratitude has a number of social and health benefits. Robert Emmonds, a renowned gratitude researcher, has conducted multiple studies on the topic of gratitude and found grateful people are happier and have reduced levels of depression. 

Plus, gratitude can improve your sleep, reduce the number of doctor’s appointments and illnesses, and reduce your aggression levels, making you an easier person to befriend and be around. 

If you’re looking for ways to express your gratitude, consider making or purchasing a gift for a friend, teacher, tutor, or role model. You will feel accomplished and kind, while sharing the good feelings with the receiver of your gift. 

Gift away – and watch the health benefits roll in.

For more on practicing gratitude, read: Practicing Gratitude: Why and How You Should do it

Idea #8: Offer to help the elderly to carry their groceries 

Volunteering to help someone in need can be extremely rewarding. In fact, volunteering time and helping others has been scientifically proven to increase your own wellbeing, as well as the person you’re helping. It can help combat depression, increase confidence, and create a stronger sense of self and purpose!

You don’t have to volunteer heaps of time to experience the benefits of volunteering, though. It can be as simple as helping an older member of the community to carry their groceries to their car, or help them onto the bus. 

It takes two seconds to lend a hand. Next time you see an elderly person struggling with their shopping bags, consider asking them if they need assistance. You’d be surprised how easily you can make another person’s day.

Idea #9: Reach out to friends and family members who seem a little down

Depression doesn’t discriminate. Men and women, teens and children, rich and the poor – depression and mental illness can impact anyone in our community. 

Unfortunately, it’s also very common for people to hide their depression and put on a brave face – this is called “concealed depression”, but the symptoms are there – a lack of sleep or appetite, no interest in hobbies or activities, and going out of their way to convince everyone they’re “feeling fine”. 

“Concealed depression is sometimes called ‘smiling depression’ because the sufferer seems fine,” Sally Winston, PsyD, a member of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, said. 

“They go about their lives fulfilling their responsibilities, interacting apparently normally, and do not complain or share with others how they are feeling. They may be so used to being silently depressed that it is just experienced as ‘this is just the way I am; I am just a loser’ or ‘this is the way life is’ rather than ‘I am depressed.'”

If you have a feeling one of your friends or family members might be struggling, a simple act of kindness could be to reach out and offer to take them out for a coffee or a walk in the park for some fresh air. Give them the chance to share their thoughts and feelings, and encourage them to get the help they need to recover.

Be someone’s rock for a day, and make sure to follow up on their feelings and progress as time goes on.

Idea #10: Donate time, flowers & nick-knacks to a nursing home

This might be less of a random act of kindness idea, but a simple and rewarding activity nonetheless. According to a study by the Corporation for National and Community Service, Americans over the age of 60 who volunteer have higher levels of well-being compared to those who did not volunteer. 

Nursing homes are always looking for volunteers to spend time with the residents. Consider volunteering at your local nursing home – host bingo and art lessons, baking sessions, or set up an in-home cinema. Alternatively, donate a stack of flowers and bouquets to bring nature to the resident’s rooms, or surprise them with gifts.

These little acts of kindness can help reduce age-related depression and loneliness, while you bridge the gap between generations, learn new things, and improve your own mental health.

Have you tried any of my random act of kindness ideas? Let me know in the comments – or sign up to my email newsletter for new ideas!

Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: gratitude, kindness, random acts of kindness, volunteering

Bringing Altruism Into Your Life (E32)

24/08/2020 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics

This week, Marie and Pete discuss altruism – being kind and giving to others. They also join the global kindness movement by trying to complete the tasks on the Altruistic August 2020 calendar by Action For Happiness.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on resilience and change.

P: And I am Peter Furness, a curator of kindness, a calibrator of creativity and conversational cacophonist. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if alcohol is no longer numbing your pain.

P: Or you want to laugh, love and live like a voracious beast.

M: Or you just want to know what all the fuss is about.

P: Then this is the place to be.

M: Because this week we are talking about altruism.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: So, Pete, this week we’re talking about altruism.

P: I had to look that up in the dictionary. [Laugh]

M: Oh really? Oh, yeah I feel good because you are always spitting out like names of body parts that I just…

P: [Laugh] No, well I did know what altruism meant. But I do remember coming across the term about six months ago and going ‘Oh, I wonder what that is? And then I realised I’ve been doing it all my life.

[Laughter]

M: So the reason that this came up was that there is, and there’s a great website actually called Action for Happiness. And if you look it up, it’s www.actionforhappiness.org and they’ve got great resources all in positive psychology, and what we’ve talked about. There’s acts of kindness as well and a bunch of sites out there that do some great work in the positive psychology space.

P: Yep

M: And I came across this action calendar for August, called Altruistic August 2020.

P: Has a nice ring to it.

M: It sure does. And so, of course, I thought, great, this is a good challenge. We’re going into second base of lock downs in Australia. 2020 can go…

P: [Boing] (possible rude gesture)

M: Mmhhm.

P: Delete, delete, delete.

M: I need something to focus on and need something to direct my energy away from just how crappy it is to be going back into another lock down, particularly for our friends in Melbourne and western Sydney. And just like that, that cleaver is about to drop. You can feel it’s just hanging.

P: And people are rushing to try and make sure they make the most of everything right now because it’s almost as if the apocalypse is upon us.

M: Which is the worst thing you can do, like four pubs in one weekend?

P: Yeah.

M: Anyway that’s a whole other thing.

P: [Laugh]

M: So I think that this was kind of a way for me to just grab hold of my emotions and my energy a little bit, that doesn’t mean to say-

P: You’re focusing on your energy? Marie how positively alternative of you.

M: I’m not talking airy fairy energy.

P: [Laugh]

M: I don’t want to spend time worrying. I want to spend time proactively doing things that will come back to me in a good way.

P: Investing?

M: Yeah investing. Investing time, not energy.

P: ‘I just need to get my rose quartz crystal.’

M: Time not energy in the like ‘I can see your aura.’

P: Hey, aura reading is real.

M: Mmhmm… So I sent you this calendar and went let’s do this.

P: Yep [Laugh]

M: So that was a week ago, so Pete.

P: Which oddly enough I had the instant reaction ‘oh crap!’ [Laugh]

M: So Pete, tell me how have you done for last week?

P: Yeah. Wonderful. Wonderful. Yeah, really good.  [Laugh] I’m involved in altruistic behaviour all day. The first thing I say to everybody when they walk in the door is ‘how are you? What can we do for you today?

M: Not cutting it.

P: Oh shit.

M: This is about going above and beyond right?

P: You mean I’ve got to do more?

M: Here’s the thing, it kind of feels like more because we live in such a demanding world. Until Covid, things kind of calmed a little bit in Covid and I think we started to look at whether the demanding world we live in was really all that.

P: It definitely caused us to reassess.

M: Yeah.

P: If it was worth the, if it was worth all that hassle.

M: Yeah. So there’s definitely a recalibration happening.

P: Yep, I agree.

M: I think, around the world. But for us in Sydney, I think that this was a, I think, that we could do and could add in if we committed to it.

P: It’s a proactive action steps, so it’s something that you can follow along, you can make it like a challenge to see what comes of it. To see what comes out of being altruistic and committing to doing 30 days of altruism. It’s actually, it is a bit of a challenge is a lot harder than you think.

M: Mmhhmm.

P: To be cognitive? No, that’s the wrong word.

M: Consciously?

P: Consciously investing in altruism is very interesting, and I do have an example.

M: So I have done the last seven days.

P: Mmm, okay.

M: And it has surprised me how little of an imposition it’s been on my life. And it’s felt good.

P: Fundamentally.

M: It felt good.

P: It costs you nothing to be a little…

M: It cost me nothing and really hasn’t really taken much time, either. Let’s let’s go through some of the week one.

P: Yes.

M:

[Day 1:] Choose to be kind to others and yourself all the month.

So day one is just about committing. Day one they’re really not even saying do anything except say ‘Ok, fine. I’m going to do it.’

P: Decide that you’re going to commit.

Alright Tick.

M: Tick.

I came in on day two and went ‘oh I’ve already done it!’

P: [Laugh]

M: Number 2

[Day 2:] Send a positive message to someone you can’t be with.

P: I did that, I did that one.

M: You see that’s really easy actually, with social media, it was just a really good slide into altruism here.

P: It was a forward to someone in Turkey who’s stranded in Turkey and can’t come back.

M: Aww. We miss you.

P: We miss you, come back.

M: I’m sure he’s not listening.

P: [Laugh]

M: Beautiful photographer. [Laugh] Anyway, yes, OK, lovely. Number three, Monday, the third of August.

[Day 3:] Treat everyone you interact with as though they are a friend.

P: Mmm.. that’s a challenging one.

M: This was really easy –

P: Oh really?

M: Because I didn’t leave the house.

P: [Derisive noise] so who are you going to talk to, you’re cat?

M: Tick

P: [Laugh] It’s a good one to try, though, because when you’re going, I see it all the time. And this is, this is a little bit of a personal soapbox moment. Service people, when we interact with service people. We get into the habit of not engaging with people who are the checkout chick or I want to say barista but that’s just so…

M: Unless you’ve been there, I think.

P: The only reason, is that I have a 12 year relationship so it’s very close. They’ve seen me naked? Everybody has seen me naked, don’t think you’re anything special. But it is this thing of the chick behind the counter at woolies and you forget that, that person is there, especially now, with all the scanning and walking through K-Mart when I picked up some cards this week. It was like I had to look at the person who was indicating the next teller for me to go to. And I had to go ‘thank you.’ And that’s all it is. [Click]

M: It’s so funny. Nice click. It’s so funny though, when you’re on the flip side and a person does that to you and it takes you by surprise because you get you end up being like ‘Hi, How are you’, like in that in that sing song, it’s fake, but it’s not fake. Like you’re in, you’re in retail mode, right? You know that your job is to be happy and pleasant to people and respectful.

P: A service role.

M: Yeah, it is. And that is what it is. And sometimes your feeling it and sometimes you’re faking it, and that’s fine. But then someone looks you in the eye and says, How are you doing?

P: Yeah

M: And they take the time and you’re like, and what would you like? Oh, oh, yeah I’m  Okay, Thanks. Let me think about this. So really, I think that can really just make someone’s day feel less like a robotic.

P: Definitely.

M: And making them stop and go ‘not everyone thinks that I’m just someone to serve them’.

P: Yep, definitely.

M: And I think unless you’ve worked in retail or

P: Even if you’ve worked in retail. I think it’s a good, gentle reminder we all get in that mode where I don’t want to interact with people, I’m having a hard day, I’m just going to focus and push on through. And I think maybe we forget that that has an impact on people around us.

M: And let’s really be clear here. These are the people who have been deemed essential workers –

P: Yes.

M: – during this time. We’ve really got to look long and hard as a society at these essential workers who are all minimum wage a lot of the time and who put their life on the line in order to keep things running around here.

P: It’s not necessarily just the medical people. It’s the person that brings the groceries from the farmers. You know, those sorts of jobs which have been so looked over.

M: Essential, essential. The delivery drivers.

P: And are now being dubbed as essential.

M: Anyway. Again, we digress.

P: [Laugh]

M: So, I actually, I have ordered a bunch of stuff online to set up our new place. I bought one of those robot vacuums by the way, we’ll talk about that another time.

P: Is the cat sitting on it?

M: Not yet, but I think I want a placer on it, so I could get some good You tube videos. Anyway. So the way that all the orders, so I ordered five things and they’ve all been delivered separately. So I am actually getting to know my posty.

P: Oh, OK.

M: And she’s lovely, yes. So, I will take a tick for that. Even though I didn’t do it that day.

P: Oh, all right.

M: So the next day was:

[Day 4:] Spend time wishing for other people to be free from suffering.

P: That’s a big one.

M: And I did actually take, only five minutes, but I took some time, you know, this week our colleagues in Melbourne went into lock down, and I’ve definitely seen that it’s hit a lot of them hard. It’s hit a lot of them hard and I’ve got colleagues who are single parents who were trying to work, and now they’ve got to teach their kids at the same time. It’s just not doable. You can’t work and teach.

P: Yep.

M: So and what are their options? What are their options? No one has an answer to that.

P: No.

M: So there’s a lot of people that are feeling that lock down, I think. So all my thoughts and well wishes we’re going out to these people.

P: Let’s pause on that one a little bit Muz. What was the result of that, your thoughts? What did that bring about? Did that bring about anything later in the day?

M: So the action that I was giving was to spend time wishing for other people to be free from suffering. And I chose to direct my thoughts to those Melbourne people and I actually took action through the latter half of the week on some of that and reached out to them and just checked in.

P: There we go, I think that’s the leverage. It creates an actionable step because it’s in your conscience. You’re putting something in your, in your focus. The camera focuses on something and you bring about in action because physically put it there in your conscious mind.

M: Yep, and so, yeah, I did reach out to a couple of people in particular who I had a gut feeling were trying their best to hold everything together but feeling the stress and the pressure. Yeah, definitely. All right. So,

Day 5:  Smile and be friendly, even when physical distancing.

P: Oh, I had a great one of that this week. I was walking, I was getting on my bike to go home, and I park out the front of my work, and I have to ride along like one pathway to get onto the bike lane to go home. And I’m a considerate cyclist, you know, I’m not going to bash through a whole group of people. And I was very slowly, I was on my bike and I have my light on and this gentleman was in front of me and he tuned when he saw my light and he said “oh, sorry.” And I said, “No, no, no, you’re fine.” And as I rode past he said “You have yourself a good evening.” And as I passed I said “I will!” [Laugh]

M: I love it. I love it. I really do. I feel like we don’t have enough of those little interactions.

P: I think they’re coming back.

M: I do.

P: I do think that… our reliance on technology and our big city living, especially in the big cities. It’s like head down, charge on through. Don’t register just get home. We’ve lost a little bit of that now because we have had a relative experience that is a crisis for want of a better word on that brings people together. The same thing happened after World War II.

M: People are re-awakening.

P: It is because, it’s that whole relevance of, it’s not that important if I get home in five minutes as opposed to ten minutes if it’s going to cost someone else some time or some happiness.

M: So many people are writing about this now. If you read the opinion and letters to the editor and columns, right now, all the big media. So many people are on this recalibration, re-imagining what life should be, we’re questioning.

P: I’m fully in support of it its human interaction we’re, we’re valuing human interaction again. And that’s possibly because we’ve had many months without it.

M: We’re valuing all the positive psychology teachings, everything we discuss on this podcast people and now rediscovering, cooking with your family.

P: Mmm eating with your family, perhaps sharing a meal.

M: Yep, yep. Doing puzzles, playing card games.

I was read- I was watch – reading, watching.

P: [Laugh]

M: Listening, listening to Michelle Obama’s podcast this week.

P: Ah, yes.

M: And she starts with Barack Obama. So Barack has taught the girls Spades. They never would have stopped to do that pre Covid.

P: Right.

M: But they’re loving it and they’re mastering the game. And so they’re having some great bonding moments. I think a lot of parents are experiencing that, but also there’s people out there without children who are rediscovering gardening.

P: Yes.

M: Rooftop gardening, for instance Pete.

P: Love it, yeah, it’s going well. The good old Marjoram is going off, the Chervil didn’t survive. But that was the only one out of 12. The Chervil was the only one that didn’t survive.

M: There you go. So rediscovering cooking, gardening and just the things that help you slow down.

P: And that’s key.

M: Enjoy the moment.

P: And being mindful that brings all that stuff that we talked.

M: All that stuff, spending more time with family. My husband, Francis, and I played a board game the other day for the first time in ages. So I think we’ve again digressed.

P: [Laugh]

M: This is what happens when you give me a Martini.

P: I didn’t give you a Martini.

M: [Laugh]

P: I’m not an enabler.

M: Okay. Smile and be friendly. Friday.

[Day 6]: Thank someone you’re grateful to and tell them why.

P: Ooh.

M: I did this one today it was nice, it was a nice moment.

P: I actually got one yesterday. Someone who I haven’t seen in a long time sent me a written letter through the Post.

M: Oh, I love stationary and actual written.

P: It was incredible. So I haven’t gotten a letter for so long and it arrived and I read it and I was so chuffed that I went and wrote them a reply. Haven’t posted it yet, but she’ll get it in next week.

M: The problem is that you’ve actually got to go to the post office and pick up the stamp.

P: Which is great.

M: Stamps! Who buys stamps.

P: I know, it’s great. I love it.

M: I’ve got so much stationery. I never use it. I really do need to in the altruistic August, actually write a letter. Proper note to someone.

P: Yeah. So altruism in and of itself, let’s get a little bit more definition in here.

M: Sure, so that was Week one [6 days]. We’ve got three minutes left with this podcast We’ve not, so I fully encourage, I wanna push this one through so that we get it out in all this. But I fully encourage everyone to pick up this calendar. So again, it’s at actionforhappiness.org and to set yourself a challenge for 31 days and it comes back to you. But let us know, Pete now, about the science.

P: Well, it’s not necessarily the science but the definition and altruism is about doing things for others and it does have the effect of enabling you and making you feel positive. It’s a benefit to the individual at a cost to oneself. It’s going beyond just thinking about something. It’s actually taking action.

M: Yep.

P: It can be, as you said, donating blood and things like that.

M: I’m determined. So heard on the radio, they need blood going this weekend.

P: So those sorts of actions can come out of it. Recent work suggests that humans behave altruistically because it is emotionally rewarding.

M: Yes. So, if you’re feeling low right now, if you’re going back into a funk because it sucks, Covid sucks right now and we’re about to go back into this second lock down in Sydney. They’re already there in Melbourne. And just so you know, you book online, you can get a pass to leave your house in Melbourne to go give blood.

P: Oh wow, wow.

M: So if you’re stir crazy in your house right now. You can safely get in your car, go donate blood and come home and that is allowed and you won’t be fined if your stopped.

P: Wow, that’s pretty amazing.

M: So you can’t leave to do exercise, you can’t leave to do anything else,

P: But to do something altruistic.

M: Yeah, but you’re saving someone’s life.

P: I am going to talk a little bit very briefly in the last few minutes about pathological altruism.

M: Ooh.

P: So you can go too far with altruism and there’s a lot of examples about this.

M: Tell me more, tell me more. I am so not in danger of this by the way.

P: [Laugh]

M: Talking about giving blood like I’m some kind of Saint, I’m so not, so, so not. This is a good exercise for me to be doing but tell me, people go too far?

P: It is something to be concerned about because you can think that your doing something for the benefit of others when actually you’re not, you’re causing harm. We’ve got several examples of this over history. We’ve got like, the Crusades for example, the people who went on the Crusades. They were determined that we’re bringing the word of God to another culture when really they’re just created war and famine for 400 years.

M: Yep

P: That’s a classic example.

M: Oh! Can I tell you one from my time studying anthropology?

P: Yep.

M: Oh, I love this story. I tell it to anyone who’ll listen, but it stuck with me since studying Anthropology at University. So Western companies went into Africa to try and help them, particularly through the eighties. There was famine and AIDS hit not long after that as well. So there was so much going on and they needed help. And we as the “western saviors” all went into, by the way if you can’t tell that I’m being sarcastic, I’m so being sarcastic, we “western saviors” thought it was our job to go in and save the African nations. And there’s a great story that we learned about, about these, I believe it was a Christian charity, but this is nothing to the religion. So they went in and they were trying to help this small town to understand contraception.

P: Yes.

M: And so they showed all the women they brought all the women into this town hall sort of place, and they were showing them condoms and how to put condoms on. So the way that they showed these women how to apply a condom was to roll them onto broomsticks. So they showed all these women how to use condoms and then moved on to the next town and the next town in the next town and a few years later they came back and unfortunately, childbirth rates had remained the same, which is relatively high. You know, 7/8 kids per couple. And they said what happened? We told you. We sent you free condoms and nothing’s changed. And they said, ‘you guys with your crazy western shaman medicine, I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but rolling condoms on broomsticks has not stopped a single child from being born over the last four years. We rolled those condoms on every night, and we’re still having Children.

P: [Raucous laughter] Very true, yeah.

M: With the best intentions but maybe not the outcome.

P: Yes, exactly and that’s a nice of it.

M: Anyway again we digress.

P: It’s a good digression, it’s a good digression.

M: I will say from a research point of view that giving to others activates an area of the brain linked with contentment and the rewards cycle.

P: Oh, definitely.

M: So performing selfless acts makes you happier.

P: Easy.

M: Yep, that that’s kind of it. We’re gonna wrap up there.

P: I think that that’s a good point to wrapitup.

M: To wrap it up? Alright. I think we will.

Okay. So thank you for joining us again today. If you like our podcast, please help us out by giving us a rating on any of the major platforms. Pete’s laughing at me.

P: I’m not laughing at you.

M: But it does help.

P: It’s on iTunes, it’s on iTunes, I gotta tell them about iTunes.

M: [Laugh] And thankyou for joining us today.

P: Stay happy people.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Moving On article Practicing Gratitude: Why and How You Should do it , listen to our Podcast: Positive Affirmations (E29)

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: altruism, altruistic, compassion, generosity, giving, kindness

The Benefits of Volunteering (E22)

15/06/2020 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics Podcast

This week’s episode is all about the benefits of volunteering. From living a longer and healthier life to having deeper friendships, there really is nothing volunteering can’t do to make your life better and happier!

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker focused on change and resilience.

P: And I am Peter Furness, a recycler, a composter and a reactionary environmentalist. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: Thanks, Pete. You can find us at marieskelton.com, which is a site about how to find balance, happiness and resilience in your life. We talk about a lot of the same research recover here on the podcast, including some really practical tips for bringing joy and happiness into your life.

P: So on to today’s episode, which is all about volunteering.

Happy intro Music] 

M: Okay, so we’re talking about volunteering today. A big one, a really good one. Why should we volunteer Pete? 

P: So much good things come from volunteering, things that you might not think about it initially. But essentially, we know that volunteering works well for bringing about meaningful, purposeful lives and also for bringing out feel good things like oxytocin and progesterone.  

M: Isn’t progesterone one of the female chemicals?  

P: No that’s Oestrogen.  

M: Ok, alright… 

P: It’s in there though, I’m not exactly sure of the ratio but hey we could all do with some female stuff. 

M: Volunteering doesn’t make you more feminine? 

P: [Laugh] It makes you wussy. 

[Laughter] 

M: We take that back. [More laughter] 

P: No, no, no. The good benefits of volunteering are numerous and magnanimous.  

M: Sure and it’s also, so we are definitely going to focus in on volunteering today, but it does cross over into so many of the other areas, like so many things we talk about that we’ve discussed in the past. So it helps you to find purpose in your life. It often can help you be more social, depending on the activity you pick. It also helps you to be more generous and practise kindness and all of those things in their own right without the volunteering component are proven to have positive benefits for your life.  

P: I think that volunteering as well deserves its own episode because it’s a practical thing that we can do. It’s one of the techniques that we can actually do that leads to happiness. So whilst you’re not consciously going ‘I’m going to have a meaningful purpose in my life.’ You are just going down and helping out at the cake store, so it’s something that we could just do again. Like the self-care is church from non-believers episode. That was a great example of something really practical that we can do that gives us the benefits and leads to happiness without us really even trying. 

M: For me I think the real benefit out of this one is in helping to combat the loneliness epidemic.  

P: Yes. Very good. 

M: This is a topic that’s been around the last couple of years, and there’s been a lot of discussion over many years about the loneliness levels of our elderly populations. But more recently, we’ve been discussing how lonely our millennials are. 

P: Yes, we have talked about that. 

M: Yeah, yeah, and I think that this gives you something to do, especially if you’re an introvert and not so comfortable with rocking up to networking events to meet people, it gives you something to do, and you meet people secondarily and conform really close bonds. While the focus isn’t in that awkward trying to meet someone. 

P: It’s not speed dating people, that’s not volunteering.  

[Laughter] 

M: No [laugh]. So you can go in and volunteer, and that’s why you’re there, and it gives you a reason for being and in the meantime, you forge strong relationships depending on the activity, and I think that’s another benefit that we don’t necessarily need to deep dive into, but another reason why you might choose volunteering over some other self-care or positive psychology activities.  

P: It’s funny because I think when you approach people for that; I’ve been on that side of the equation where I’m trying to get people to volunteer and often the responses that come back are ‘oh no, I haven’t got time. I’ve got such a hectic lifestyle. I couldn’t possibly commit to that sort of stuff.’ 

M: Mm-hmm 

P: This is going to be the episode for you because it’s going to show you exactly the huge amounts of benefits that will come out of this that might surprise you and actually have some selfish, selfish additions in there as well. You can be selfish and volunteer. Sure, so I was having a look and on Psychology Today, which is a really accessible site, and I encourage you to have a look at some of their articles as well. It’s not psych babble. It is, as I said, really accessible. So Dr. Dawn Carr published an article on ‘Five Reasons Why You Should Volunteer’.  

1. Volunteers live longer and healthier.

2. They establish strong relationships, as we said before

3. It’s good for your career.

P: Ah, there’s that selfish reason.

[Laughter]

M: Well so far, they’re all pretty selfish. He’s the nice one, the warm and fuzzy one.

4. It’s good for society.

P: It benefits everyone.

M: Yeah, and then the last one, number 5 is:

5. It gives you a sense of purpose.

And again, we’ve shown how that can also directly lead to increased happiness levels.

P: Yeah, definitely. 

M: So there are studies, so many studies that show all of all of this stuff and you’ve been looking at a few studies as well haven’t you Pete?  

P: I have yeah. A couple, Professor Stijn Baert, I think I pronounced that correctly, talks a lot about how research shows that volunteering can increase employment. It can increase your employment opportunities and increase your skill base, which is one of those lovely selfish reasons. The idea of paying it forward, which has actually come about in the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation in 1995.  

M: And they’ve got a website. Just look up Random Acts of Kindness, they’ve got so many great tools there but we’re going to cover that another time actually.  

P: Definitely. There was also a study in 2018 on a Spanish company where they had a control group that was a generosity group. They were giving out acts of kindness within the workplace, and what they found was that people were even happier and more content than those who actually received the acts of kindness. So by people giving out those acts of kindness by being generous and volunteering their time and so forth they get, they got more benefits than just receiving it.  

M: I wonder if that also translates to giving gifts. Because I know at times I look really closely at the person’s face when I give a gift.  

P: [Laugh]  

M: Because I’m a horrible gift giver and I can’t help it. I’m so bad.  

P: [Laugh] Do you really like it? Do you really like it? Do you really? 

M: Oh, and I’ve just got this complex now, I can’t get over it. 

P: Do you keep every receipt and like hold onto it for a year?   

M: Yeah and I shove receipts in people’s hands and go, please, please exchange if you don’t like it? Please don’t, don’t feel bad. I want you to. Go exchange it, I know you hate it.  

P: [Laugh] 

M: You know, I’ll talk myself into a frenzy. But I wonder. Gift giving comes with so much anxiety for me.  

P: There’s your introverted nature.  

M: I just want them to like it.  

P: Yeah, I know. But the benefit does come about and even if it doesn’t work for them, they can always pass it on to somebody else. 

M: All right. And then there’s a few other studies that I was looking at as well that are quite interesting I thought. There’s one in the Journal of Happiness Studies that says that acts of charity or volunteer work can make you feel better and happier, which we just have mentioned. But this study goes even further, and it shows that even simply wishing someone well can have a positive effect on your mood. And in fact, even witnessing someone else performing an act of kindness produces oxytocin so it aids in lowering your blood pressure, improves self-esteem, optimism and overall heart health. So even if you just surround yourself with people who are doing good.  

P: You don’t even have to do it yourself. You can just be a quiet observer. ‘I’m just here for the tea and bickies.’ 

[Laughter] 

M: I love it. So there’s another one that I really love. There are two more and I’m going to share them because these are just great little studies. So there’s one from Harvard. I know the one that you’re wanting to talk about Pete. We’ll get to that one in a second. There’s one from Harvard that says that volunteering at least once a week yields improvements to wellbeing equivalent to doubling your annual salary.  

P: And who doesn’t want a double salary? 

M: I think I’ll take the money thanks.  

P: [Laugh] Pay off that mortgage.  

M: Yep, they say money can’t buy happiness, but I’m sure I’d make a go of it.  

P: [Laugh] It’s a good relative indicator, isn’t it? Would you like to go and volunteer? Or would you like double your salary?  

M: Yep, no one’s giving you double your salary, so you may as well go volunteer. 

P: There you go.  

[Laughter] 

M: And then the last study that, Pete is jumping at the bit – 

P: volunteering gives you more sex!  

[Laughter] 

M: I think you’re leaping. 

P: Yes, is this where we share our personal stories? 

M: Yeah, um I edit the podcast Pete so… 

P: Damnit.  

M: It is a very big leap to say that volunteering makes you get more sex – 

P: But come on the science says so. 

M: Well, kind of, kind of. For those who are the cynics and you actually care about the detail of the studies. So being altruistic makes you sexier to the opposite sex.  

P: [sexy cat purr] 

M: And in a study that was published by the British Journal of Psychology, they gave people $100 in cash and asked them what they would do with the money and those who are willing to donate the money. So those who would naturally or genuinely more altruistic also reported having more lifetime and or casual sex partners over the previous years. 

P: Bada bing bada boom! 

[Laughter]  

M: So, I am going to say that it doesn’t talk about cause and effect here, but 

P: we’re running with it [laugh]. 

M: What they’re saying here is altruists get more sex.  

P: There we go, I can see why it’s an attractive quality it makes, it makes someone be attracted to you because they can see a noble quality that makes you go ‘oh they’re going to be generous. They’re gonna be generous in the relationship, they’re going to be generous in their life.’ 

M: Well, particularly from a female point of view, it is something that you would want your husband particularly if you have very limited choice about who you’re marrying. It’s a trait you would be looking for, depending on the country you’re from or the century you’re in. I would imagine that altruism and generosity would be positive traits that you’d be very grateful for having and then, secondly, it also would reflect well on the type of person you want to raise your Children.  

P: This is an interesting point because this is one of the points that I came up with is that volunteering as a family is a thing.  

M: Yes  

P: It sets good examples. It shows Children, you involved in acts of generosity, which they then emulate, especially if they’re involved in volunteering at a young age. So if you’re going along to the weekly cake store, take your three year old with you because they’ll go along. They’ll see you having a fun time. And I’ll make that Connection without even really thinking about it in their conscious thought of ‘Oh yeah if I give this then that’s going to create a good connection with these other people.’  

M: Yep, I think one of the easy ones to do is soup kitchens with kids. 

P: Hhmm well you told, there’s a point that you talked about in terms of one of the greatest acts of volunteering is food. 

M: Aarghh, That’s my quick fact.  

P: Oh sorry, I – 

M: – jumped ahead. So just a quick fact for all of you out there who didn’t hear what Pete just said. Most volunteer activity involves the collection and distribution of food. 

P: I like it. I mean, I give cakes to my personal trainer.  

M: My, what’s the word I’m looking for? a person who helps with my rehab at the hospital.  

P: Physio. 

M: Physio [Laugh]. They’ve got the physio that’s attached to the hospital, so there’s a bunch of them that all work in the same clinic, and unfortunately they get a lot of people out of the Osteo[porosis] ward. So, Grandmas and grandpas who have torn ligaments in their shoulders or you know as you get older things wear and tear a bit more, and they’re always being given cakes and baked goods. Always the poor things.  

[Laughter] 

M: They’re like ‘We are going to be so fat by the time we’ve finished this career.’  

P: [Laugh] that’s the whole point making my PT just a little bit chubbier, you know so I can feel good about myself. [Laughter] If you’re watching [listening] that’s not really the reason.  

M: It’s selfish that one.  

P: I like this. I like the idea of being volunteering as selfish. I mean, I’m going to throw some more at you.  It lessens the symptoms of chronic pain.  

M: Yes, so much of this stuff does it’s the oxytocin. 

P: It’s the neurotransmitters. It’s all those happy drugs that go into, you flood your body with when you’re involved in acts of kindness and volunteering. So that’s another good one. The Increase in your job skills, which leads to a higher income. Now, I really liked this one. This again comes back to the study that was done by a number of American psychologists in the American Psychological Association Journal, and they said that having volunteering on your CV is attractive to people who might employ you.

And also it is associated with being in a position to be able to be a volunteer because you are on a higher income. But they actually did a study that negated those influences and found that people who do volunteer end up being offered higher incomes within their organisation.  

M: Maybe I should, um, mention ‘Hey, boss if you’re listening?’  

P: [Laugh] well I think that’s essentially, it is attractive to people and they will see that sense of altruism is being a characteristic they want to promote within their business.  

M: You can also get such different and varied experience. So I was on the board of New South Wales volleyball, and that was a very different level of conversation. Well I was in my early thirties then. I worked for a really large corporate, so it wasn’t in that same board level type of discussion at the corporate. But it has definitely rounded out my experience and understanding and helped me in my career.  

P: Hugely, I had the same reference of volunteering on a sports committee and learning skills of how to do Excel spreadsheets. Now, you don’t think that that’s going to be something you pick up but I became a spreadsheet demon!  

M: Yep, I have too. 

P: And that’s all through volunteering and learning how to run a meeting, learning how to show leadership when it’s necessary, all those sorts of interactions and also learning how to interact with people. We had a very interesting ethnic mix and it took me a while to be able to deal with each individual ethnicity and approach it in a certain way that was beneficial for everybody. So it does, it really does give you tangible skills that you can use and that was my big platform when I was trying to get people to volunteer for that board, I was like guys you have no idea, this is going to be good for your job. 

M: Even just running an event, having ownership of running an event. 

P: Event management. It is not easy people. [Laugh] 

M: No. A place in heaven for people who run events and call centres, I have to say those poor, poor people. All right, so let’s maybe move on to some ideas or things that we can do to bring volunteering into our lives. Do you have any Pete?  

P: …  

M: Alright I’ll go. So the easiest one is that there are always organisations, mostly charities who are looking for volunteers.  

With the organisations that look for soft skills that can complement your career, you do generally need to be willing to invest a bit more time. It’s really a huge tax on a lot of these small, low funded organisations to constantly be training new people who only want to pop in three hours. So they are looking for a longer term commitment a lot of the time. But if you’re not willing to put a time in every week or every month, you can do things like donating blood.  

P: I like that one. 

M: Which is something could only do every few months. It’s a really easy thing to do, if you can, and mentoring someone so you don’t necessarily have to meet with your mentee more than once every three months. And there’s so many great benefits that come back to you. And it goes both ways, really, the mentor mentee relationship. As we’ve established.  

P: Yeah  

M: Yep and then the last one is just get involved in a Charity Day at your work. If you’ve got an organisation or a big enough workplace, there’s things like Australia’s Biggest Morning Tea, which we did yesterday in my office and that was for Cancer raising money for Cancer research, and then you could join in a fundraising walk or cycle or grow a mo for Movember. 

P: He he 

M: So there’s lots of these days, and particularly in larger corporations there’s a way to just jump in and join one of these things. But the benefits are not only to these charities or organisations that you’re supporting. They come back to you. 

P: Yeah, hugely. On a more individual level to look at what you’re doing. Look at the activities that you’re involved with and look at if those organisations need a hand. So for both of us, volleyball was a big one. I jumped into the volleyball committee with eyes completely shut and not knowing what I was getting into and 10 years later they had to force me out because I had been there for too long.   

M: You were ready to go. 

P: That was, when I first did it, I was like ‘Oh I should give something back to the club that has given me so much’ and that was the initial idea behind it. It was so beneficial in so many different ways. And I, it really did open up so much opportunity for me and it became a 10 year commitment. So it turned into something that was quite a lot.  

M: So you hated it the whole time, didn’t you? 

P: Well yeah, I got a nickname out of it, so that was good.  

M: What was the nickname? 

P: Madam President.  

M: Ah. 

P: [Laugh], there has only ever been one. Now it’s Mr President.  

M: Yeah OK, fair enough.  

[Laughter] 

M: All right, well, I think we’re done talking about volunteering for this week.  

P: We are. Get out there, people. It’s so much better for you, and it really does come back to you tenfold. They do say that volunteers look five years younger.  

M: I like that. The other thing to mention, to circle all the way back to the beginning is you mentioned that a lot of people say ‘I just don’t have time to volunteer’.

Now I would really be challenging that and asking, what do you prioritise over your own life and health and bonds with your family potentially or friends?  

P: It can be such a social thing.  

M: That means you don’t have time for those things that I just mentioned, because that’s ultimately what we’re talking about here.  

P: True, we’re preaching to the converted on each other here so. 

M: Yep 

P: Find something people, get out there and have a look and connect with something that connects with you, no matter how small you’ll get the benefits.  

M: All right, see you next week.  

P: Stay happy. 

[Happy Exit Music] 

Related content: read Moving On article What You Didn’t Know About Practicing Kindness

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Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: kindness, practicing kindness, volunteer, volunteering

What You Didn’t Know About Practicing Kindness

03/06/2020 by Marie

What Is Practicing Kindness and Why Does It Matter?

Be kind… it’s something many of us have been told since we were little.

But did you know that being kind to others can have positive impacts on your life too? Not only that, there’s solid research behind the act of being kind. Here’s what you need to know.

What is Practicing Kindness?

Practicing kindness is about deliberately or intentionally finding moments or opportunities to be kind to others in your life.

“A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.”

Amelia Earhart

But to be clear, being kind isn’t about always thinking of others over yourself, and it’s not about striving to be always kind. We’re all human, which means we all have bad days, and we all have negative emotions at times – being unkind will also happen. So, practising kindness isn’t about striving to be kind all the time, but it is about finding times to be kind to others.

The best part is that practising kindness actually improves your psychological health too, so you might even reduce your bad days or moments by doing it, and it’s as easy as scheduling it into your week.

The Science of Kindness

The research on kindness is quite definitive. The benefits that you get from being kind others are many and varied.

Performing acts of kindness releases the feel-good chemicals (oxytocin and serotonin), leading to increases happiness, energy, pleasure and creativity. Studies have even shown that being kind increases your lifespan.

At Oxford, researchers performed three studies and found that performing acts of kindness boosted wellbeing and positive social emotions. In fact, in the first study, people got benefits after only seven days of performing acts of kindness.

Not only do you get the “helper high” from being kind, but these neurochemicals have also been found in many studies to help reduce depression, pain, anxiety and stress.

Feeling lazy? The great news is that it can be really easy, quick and cheap to get the benefits of kindness. You don’t need to go looking for over-the-top ways to show people how kind you are.

It’s true that research shows helping others through acts of charity or volunteer work can make you feel better and happier, but recent research also finds that simply wishing someone well can have a similarly positive effect on our moods. In fact, even witnessing acts of kindness produces oxytocin, which aids in lowering blood pressure, and improves self-esteem, optimism and our overall heart-health.

Ideas For Practising Kindness

So, what are some ideas for how to bring kindness into your week?

Praise Someone

Publicly acknowledge and praise someone for doing a good job or simply for being who they are. If you pick someone from your workplace, make sure you include their boss, and why not follow up with a handwritten card?

Can I help? Cards

Print off some cards with “Can I help” on them and a list of things you can help with around the house – from cooking and cleaning to gardening and handy-man repairs or grocery shopping or pet walking. Make sure to introduce yourself, including telling people why you’re doing this for free, and include your name and contact details. Then print of all the cards and drop them in mailboxes around your neighbourhood.

Mentor Someone

Mentoring is about more than giving someone advice and sharing knowledge. Mentors often develop close, reciprocal relationships with their mentees, who can bring a new or different perspective or ideas that can bring about self-reflection and growth for the mentor too. Aside from that, helping others can be really rewarding. On top of that, giving targeted support to an individual (rather than to a charity) has a better effect on your brain.

Donate Money

Consider a one-off donation or set aside some money each pay-check to donate to a reputable charity. There is something for everyone, from organisations that saves animals or protect the planet to research for diseases and social support. Make sure you do some research first to make sure your money is going where you think it is.

Give Your Coins

A few spare coins can make someone’s day, and be there difference between eating that day or getting a bed to sleep in. When you can, find someone on the street and give them your coins. When you do, make eye contact and smile. This small act can go a long way to helping a homeless person feel seen.

Stuck for kindness ideas? You can always download a Kindness Calendar from the Random Acts of Kindness website for some inspiration. For extra self-care points, why not complete the activities with a buddy or family member?

Related content: Read Moving On article 50 science-backed ways to be happier

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Filed Under: Finding Happiness & Resiliency Tagged With: happiness, inspiration, kind, kindness, practicing kindness, satisfaction

Self-Care is Church for Non-Believers (E17)

11/05/2020 by Marie

Happiness For Cynics podcast

More and more people around the world do not believe in a God, and therefore do not attend church regularly. This is such a shame, as the act of going to church has so many benefits including making your happier. In this episode, we discuss the ways in which you can replace some aspects of church, if you’re a non-believer, so you can bring more happiness into your life.

https://pod.co/happiness-for-cynics/self-care-is-church-for-non-believers

Transcript

M: Hi. I’ve forgotten our intro.

P: [Laugh] we should never have negroni’s before a podcast.

M: We should always have them.

[Laughter]

M: Welcome the happiness for cynics. That is not how this normally goes. I’m Marie Skelton a writer, podcaster supposedly and an expert in resiliency and change.

P: Hi, I’m Peter. I’m the co-host. I’m a herb harvester, a Feng Shui factualiser and I can’t remember the third thing that I am this week.

M: Maybe we shouldn’t do negroni’s before… [laughter].

This week however, we are talking about self-care and how self-care is church for non-believers.

P: I love that quote. That’s a brilliant that’s a Marie-ism, by the way, folks, that’s a complete Marie-ism.

M: I’ll have to turn that into one of those quotes.

P: Yeah do.

M: You know like the image on Facebook.

P: Think about it ‘Self-care is church for non-believers.’

[Happy intro music]

M: Okay, welcome back. That was probably the weirdest intro we’ve ever done. Alright, self-care we’re here to talk about self-care. We were talking the other day about how self-care is really important, and it’s, it’s important to do all the fabulous things that we talked about. But you’ve got to balance that with looking after yourself as well and taking time to relax and recharge and really focus on your inner self as well, so we were keen to do an episode on self-care and then we came across this idea of self-care being church for non-believers.

P: I love this, it’s brilliant. Such a good quote.

M: So reason that we say that, there’s a couple of stats here that I’ll paint the picture with. So we start in the States. There’s a recent study by the Pew Research Centre, which says that the percentage of Americans who believe in God attend religious services and pray daily has declined significantly during the last eight years. And then, if you look at the latest census results on religion from 2016 in Australia, about 30% of Australians selected no religion, and that’s more than 7% higher than the previous census, where they measured religion in 2011.

So one in three-ish Australians no longer believe in religion and ergo we will assume they don’t go to church.

P: True, I’ll give you that.

M: Making a leap there, but we’re going to make that assumption. And again, I’m not religious and you know each to their own is my philosophy on that. However, one in three Australians are losing the benefits off attending church and that’s just such a shame. So whether you believe in God or not, the benefits of going to church include learning things like kindness, gratitude, service to others, mindfulness having social interaction on a regular basis, meditation, awe and forgiveness.

And we’re going to go into a few of those right now because they all make the wonderful bucket of self-care. But they’re also critical for happiness.

P: I’m sorry. I’m just thinking of Kentucky Fried Chicken now you said, Bucket.

[Laughter]

P: It’s like a little bucket that you can choose from.

M: Exactly, there’s wings, there’s drumsticks.

[Laughter]

M: So let’s start with your, your church bucket here.

P: [Laugh] Do I have to wear my Sunday best? Do I have to dress up?

M: No, this is all about you-

P: – Oh, but I want to wear my hat with the fascinator.

M: You don’t have to but you can.

P: Well, this is the interesting thing is that I think that before we get into everything I’m going to segway here Marie. The fact of going to church, it was a huge social construct, traditionally in, especially in Australian lifestyles. But in Western lifestyles in general, actually, no, that’s not even true.

M: In the states you get dressed up there too. For those of you who think what enough does this Aussie girl know about the states? I did live there for eight years, some I’m kind of semi sort of calling myself a little bit American and I married an American.

P: You’re married by passport.

M: [Laugh] Exactly.

But oh, in the South.

P: Oh yeah, that’s the image I’ve got.

M: They get dressed up for church.

P: Definitely. It’s the social construct. So, the fact of actually going to church of actually taking the time in your weekly schedule to allocate one hour to go to a location, to go to a ceremony to get dressed up to invest in an action that is community driven. It’s something that set a precedent for interaction on people on so many different levels. And that’s what we’re going to talk about with when we talk about the sections that we’ve nominated.

M: What I love about the social interaction piece there Pete, we’re starting with that one, is the church construct encourages people to think about others and you welcome new people into the community. It’s just like, so we met through volleyball, and there is a tribe aspect to that as well. Definitely just like with church, where you look, well you should there’s always the misfits, but you should look after the new people that come into the club or the church or the environment that you’ve got there and you look out for them and you look out for each other. And for people who have never been to church or who haven’t maybe had that team aspect in their life that we have, I think it’s, it’s scary to me that they may never have experienced that community welcoming them in. I think everybody can experience this. It’s like starting in your job, the first time you walk into a new office you don’t know anyone. Everyone has their mates that they say good morning to, everyone hangs out in coffee shop. You’re the, you’re the newbie. You’re the brassy eyed, bushy tailed woman with your negligee scarf. It’s Jane Fonda in 9 to 5.

M: Here’s the thing though. The expectations on a workplace is very different from those at church or in a team sport.

P: OK, fair point. I’ll give you that.

M: You don’t have to, give two hoots about the person you work with.

P: All right, fair yes.

M: You don’t have to be nice to them if the boss isn’t looking, right?

P: Yeah

M: And so there’s a very different social element, and that’s why when we’re saying self-care is church for non-believers, finding your tribe, and there’s a lot of talk out there about finding the tribe and its people who will look out for you and go above and beyond for you. There’s a lot of lonely people out there who don’t have a tribe.

P: Exactly

M: And church would always take everyone in. Yet regardless of your personality, differences, preferences, all of that. Sports, there’s a little bit more argy bargy there, but –

P: – Especially if you play with Brazilians.

[Laughter]

M: – but you’ve got to bring everyone in to achieve a goal, right? And in theory you have to do that in workplaces. But in practise, I don’t think that drive to be accepting and welcoming to everyone is there.

P: Which I think brings up a point that’s really valid is that you’re putting yourself in the space by going to something like church. It’s, you’re expected to be friendly. You’re expected to welcome new people in. So there is that expectation of like ‘you will be nice, eh?’

M: So that social interaction. So I think, for people who are not going to church anymore they’re perhaps missing that tribe. And there’s a few definite opportunities for people to find that in other areas of their lives. But perhaps not as easy as just rocking up to church.

P: Oh, I agree. Definitely.

M: Whatcha got next?

P: Oh, kindness.

M: Yes, be kind. So the whole process of going to church, you’re putting yourself in a place where it is expected of you to contemplate kindness. Contemplate being good to your neighbour. Being nice to your fellow man. All those kind of community constructs that are really based on every society. I’m not just talking about –

M: Do unto others

P: – Western society.

M: I know that one, do unto others!

P: [Laugh] Go Muz, quoting the… what is it 15 commandments.

M: 10

P: It was 15 first, Moses threw a tablet.

M: We should not –

P: – Moses had a hissy fit and he threw a tablet [laugh].

M: Again, I apologise

P: He so did it was Charlton Heston.

M: Alright, maybe we shouldn’t use popular culture as a reference for peoples religions.

P: That’s fair, I get it.

M: Because this matters to [some] people.

P: But my point is you’re putting yourself in the kindness space and you’re expected to be [a] kinder [person] tapping into that. It’s like, OK, I’ve got to be nice to this person and it’s the fake it till you make it concept by putting yourself into a process where you’re forcing yourself to be kind. Maybe you actually might get a bit of beneficial kick-off from that being kind not only to others, but to yourself.

M: Absolutely so as we’ve mentioned in previous episodes the research on kindness is kind of one of the most selfish things you can do. I think we’ve said before another Marieism. The benefits from oxytocin I think and again we keep talking about all the fabulous chemicals in our brain, but the benefits that you get from being kind others are huge. So much so that being kind to others can be seen as a selfish act. And one of the major tenets of nearly all religions is ‘do unto others.’

P: That’s right.

M: So if that is not being reinforced through Sunday school and through your life once a week –

P: Yep, it’s a little reminder when the pastor or the person is standing up on that pulpit saying, “who have you loved of your fellow man this week?” And it’s like forcing you to go ‘right, I have to do this’ and that’s a weekly reinforcement.

M: I think it is that real weekly reinforcement. So whether you’re helping out with tea after the service.

P: Oh yeah, they always had good bickies at the Salvation Army.

M: Or whether you’re participating in a more formalised church program that helps the elderly mow their lawns, what whatever it is that your church environment does not having that in your week because you’re not religious, is a real loss.

P: Definitely, which is a nice segway into, into-  

M: – gratitude.

P: There we go.

M: [Laugh] I read your mind.

[Laughter]

M: And we’ve talked about gratitude, I think it was our third or fourth episode in season one, but again, being grateful for what you have and prayer is one of those things where you thank the Lord for the blessings that you have. And again, if you’re not going to church on a regular basis, the need for being grateful is not being reinforced in your day to day life.

P: Yes.

M: And again I would argue that in the absence of church, what are you doing in your weekly lives to remember to be grateful?

P: Yeah. If you’re not being like the self-help gurus and certain people like yogis who practice every day sitting there, looking at your mantras and looking at your chants and saying these things to yourself as a matter of wrote that’s a daily reminder as much as what church is if you’re not involved in those daily acts, even the act of saying a prayer before dinner that was a big social construct is that there was always the expected thing, and –

M: Two, Four, Six, Eight

[Laughter]

M: Dig in, don’t wait!

P: [Laugh] you could take that one. Yes, well, if we take it in the in the literal sense, you’re being thankful for the fact that you have food on your plate.

M: Which and I’m sure if any of us Journal on gratefulness. Having food is such a First World right.

P: Exactly.

M: It’s not a privilege anymore. I bet you, you pick up anyone’s gratitude journal in the First World and they’re not thanking people for the food on their table.

P: Okay. What’s next?

M: Service to others.

P: Aahh, being generous to others, it’s such a fulfilling action. There’s a lot of research out there that the supports the fact that if you are actually giving away 10% of your time 10% of your income, 10% of your energy in the service of others, you gain back tenfold what you’re giving out.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s a no brainer, by giving out your generosity and actually offering up something that you have, it invites so much goodwill back into yourself. And again, it’s that selfish act, not a self-less act. It’s reinvigorating your own self esteem. It’s making you feel good. Who doesn’t feel nice when you give a dollar to the person who’s on the street corner begging for money? You think I’ve done my good deed for the day that reverberates through your day hugely. And if something’s – I’ve gotta stop clicking sorry – [Laughter], if when you’re having a bad afternoon, sometimes it’s enough to go you know what my karma jar is full because I gave that dollar to the homeless person this morning.

M: I think there’s also an even greater benefit. So, I’ve done a lot of coaching and a lot of the time for free.

P: Right.

M: Sadly, I’m not making money off my volleyball coaching, but there’s, there’s a sense of the inner satisfaction, and I don’t even know how to describe it. When you have those moments through a season, when a player executes a skill that you’ve been working with them on or they finally get it, and a lot of the time they’ll perform the skill and the first person they lock eyes with is you. You know?

P: Absolutely.

M: Right? Those moments where you’ve spent hours trying to help someone else to be better and they are executing what you’ve been working on together. They’re so valuable, so, so valuable, and you remember those, I remember those moments with those players years later. I don’t remember the projects I’ve worked on in corporate life or a lot of other things. But helping others to grow is such a positive thing.

P: Tim Minchin talks about it in his address to the Melbourne University [and others] a couple of years ago when he gave his ‘Nine Lessons of Life.’ If you haven’t watched it, watch it, it’s fabulous. Tim Minchin says “Be a teacher. Share your love, Share your passion. Share what you know because it will come back upon you.”

M: Yep.

P: And it’s so true.

M: Absolutely. All right, so I’m going to bucket two other benefits of church together here and they’re definitely more your areas of expertise than mine.

P: Yeah.

M: So mindfulness and meditation.

P: Oh dear meditation.

M: I’m bundling them together because we are running a little short on time now, But really, I think we should bump out to 30 minutes because every episode we say we’re running short on time don’t we.

[Laughter]

P: Maybe our listeners should vote on that on the poll.

M: We’re trying to keep it 20 [minutes] so it’s short, sharp commute time. But anyway. So there is definite research about attending spiritual retreats in particular if you’re talking about mindfulness and the greater psychological well-being that you get and feel good hormones in the brain from mindfulness in particular, and then meditation, you’re into meditation.

P: I’m a big time meditator. And I’m a big supporter of it because it is, there are so many benefits that lead to some of the other things that we’ve already talked about today. Kindness and gratitude. When you meditate, you calm your mind down. And it’s not about eliminating thoughts. It’s about recognising thoughts and giving weight to them. It’s such a brilliant way of accessing parts of our physiology and our mental capacity that has huge benefits.

M: Actually, the title of this is self-care. And if you can’t take in the negative and let it go, then you’re not looking after your mental health.

P: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, and actually, I’m gonna skip, we’ll end on your last one here. But skip to forgiveness, which is another teaching in many religions around the world forgiving others.

P: Yeah

M: And again this is, this is a way of letting go of that negativity. And there is yet again a lot of research about the positive benefits of letting this stuff go, allowing yourself to move on and not holding yourself back because of what others have done to you.

P: Being kind to yourself is part of self-care. Very, very important factor. Don’t be too hard on yourself people. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes, and it’s OK to make a mistake, as long as you learn from it.

M:  And it’s okay to have negative emotions too.

P: Absolutely. They serve you well. They’re a great lever.

M: And I think right now we’re all experiencing the full pendulum swing of emotions being in isolation and dealing with Covid and the increased anxiety we need to be okay with that. I think we’re learning some really good self-reflection and growth lessons from an emotional perspective because of Covid.

P: I think the awareness has brought it definitely back onto the floor where we’re now concerned with our community connections. We now are concerned with how our daily actions affect not only ourselves but others.

All right, we’re going to move onto the last one, awe. We’ve talked about this before awe inspiring stuff.

M: Awe, A W E, it’s very easy to be like or what? Or what?

P: [Laugh]. I’m going to tell a personal story here. So going through Italy with my niece a couple years ago in Europe, we went to Florence. We’ve done gone for a walk down to the Duomo the cathedral in Florence, and we stood there in the evening light and I’ve got to say it was a pretty amazing aspect. I didn’t know anything about this cathedral I didn’t know about the Medici’s at that time. But I’m standing there in front of this cathedral and it looked like something made out of cardboard, But it was so incredible and the way the light hit it, I was having a moment. Uncle Peter may have got emotional and had a tear in his eye and my niece turns around to me and says “You ‘right.” “It’s okay darling Uncle Peter’s having about a moment”, and she said “Okay, I’m going for ice cream.”  [Laugh]

M: I, especially coming from Australia, I could not agree with you more going through Europe I, I guess there’s a point where there’s only so many churches you can see but when they’re all 15th, 16th century churches and I can only think of Notre Dame and it still breaks my heart that it burnt down but thankfully we got to see it. But there is this understanding in a lot of religion that the place you go to worship should inspire awe.

P: Which brings us back to the point. Churches were built to inspire people they were a connection with the higher power. There were a connection with God. They were meant to lift you up.

M: So as far as awe goes, you don’t have to find it in buildings only as we’ve discussed in the past, we can find it in nature very often. It’s about putting yourself in those moments where you’re standing in front of the Grand Canyon or beautiful mountains, and you take the moment to be mindful and experience your place in the vastness around you. So we are needing to wrap up now Pete.

P: Oh dear. We’ve gone overtime again.

M: But I guess the last thing I just want to say to people is if you are not religious. How are you bringing these items into your life on a weekly basis? How are you replacing what church used to bring to people which was happiness. These elements that we’ve talked about kindness, gratitude, service to others, mindfulness, social interaction, meditation, awe and forgiveness, all of them were being reinforced in people’s lives, and they’ve all been scientifically proven in multiple surveys and research to bring happiness. So that’s my challenge. Find your church, find your church, find your tribe and find ways to make these habits.

P: And really invest in them. So, so make sure that you clock them, write them out and say, like, to a daily check and see if you can tick all eight of those boxes. Eight? Seven? [Laugh]

M: That many boxes, tick all of those boxes! [Laugh]

P: And that’s the benefit and whether you believe or not in religion, church served that purpose. So we need to find a way to invest in that. And it can be as simple as spending 15 minutes at home being mindful or meditating all those sorts of actions. Church doesn’t need to be a building. You’re absolutely right. It can be your backyard as long as you invest –

M: -Or your mind.

P: Exactly. You can invest in that but being mindful and being open to it is really important.

M: I think that’s a great place to end. Thanks Pete.

P: Aww, no worries.

M: See you next week.

P: Stay happy, people.

[Happy Exit Music]

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: gratitude, happiness for cynics, kindness, podcast, self-care, service

Self-Compassion and Being Kind to Yourself (E12)

06/04/2020 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast – episode 12

Self-compassion is about being aware of your self-talk and learning to be kinder to yourself. You may be surprised at the sorts of thing you say to yourself when you’re not paying attention!

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker, focused on change and resilience. My co-host is Peter.

P: Hi there, I’m Peter Furness and I’m a manipulator of sore points, pusher of positivity and ‘movement prescriptor.’ Each week we bring you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology otherwise known as happiness. Marie has a blog.

M: Sure do, so you can find all of these episodes as well as a lot of other resources and information at @marieskelton.com. So on to today’s episode, which is all about self-compassion.

[Happy music]

M: So today we’re going to talk about the importance of self-compassion. So Pete, can you help our listeners understand what we’re talking about here?

P: Self-compassion is the relationship of the self, let’s turn inward for a moment shall we.

M: This is going to be a fun episode [laugh].

P: It’s about self-talk, it’s about the friendship that you have with yourself. And it’s more than just being positive. It’s about understanding the relationship between negative and positive self-talk, and how we reinforce negative behaviours within ourselves. Being kind to yourself and having the ability to not judge yourself is really a prime issue around self-compassion.

M: Now, I think that from a cynics point of view, this is gonna be gold, [Laugh] because there are a lot of people out there who just want to say to millennials in particular suck it up, buttercup, right and get on with your life. And we never had this self-care, positive movement thing going on.

P: It was something for the hippies in the 60’s.

M: Not even that, they just took drugs and got on with life, right?

[Laughter]

M: So we are smack bang in the middle of what this podcast is all about. It’s breaking down the preconceived ideas about some of these positive psychology ideas. So really keen to understand the research behind this one. Definitely.

P: I think a big thing about it is that it’s not to be dismissive. Self-talk can be damaging. We can’t just dismiss this as little thoughts that we don’t listen to, because that’s really not dealing with the problem. Self-talk is there. It is something to be aware of. Those voices in your head, you should be listening to them and more importantly, we should be understanding why they’re there. Giving them some space and diving into that space and looking at it objectively, not judgmentally.

M: Yeah, and I think it’s also really important to say that we’re talking about people who are still in a healthy frame of mind and ,lot of people who’ve been on the flip side of mental health and who have suffered depression or who have ongoing chronic levels of depression, it can be really harmful to say to say to someone who’s struggling, you know, just think positively.

P: Yeah, just be cheery.

M: So we’re talking about how people who are in a healthy enough state of mind motivate themselves and how they get the best out of themselves in their life. And it’s worth saying that these practises can be helpful for people who perhaps are on the far deeper end of the spectrum. But they’re not, they’re not going to solve deep rooted issues.

P: No, that’s for others.

M: So, looking back in your life, have you had any moments where you had a lot of negative self-talk?

P: [Laughter] where do I begin… OK opening the Pandora’s Box. Self-criticism, it comes from many different places, and I think for myself, bless my lovely Mother. She was the eldest of 12 children in the outback of Australia. So Mom was the home care taker, she was in charge, looking after these kids when they were still having rations from the Second World War. They didn’t have a fridge, all that sort of stuff. So Mums upbringing and her introduction to ‘suck it up buttercup’, that was pretty strong in those days. Now she passed that onto us, me and my sister in different ways, and that’s self-criticism comes out from those childhood experiences sometimes. So what I picked up on that judgmental, suck it up, just get on with it, be tough, kind of mentality and that was really from my mom, bless her. Being aware of that, coming to that in a separate point in my life, I had to reflect on some of that and it’s interesting that that didn’t happen with me until much later it wasn’t until I got out of University that I really started looking at what those thoughts and processes were and how they came up. And being a… involved in a competitive field like dance, I came to dance late. All these kids had done ballet for 20 years before I even did my first class. So there was a lot of ways, one the coping mechanisms of getting through that was to convince myself you’re not good enough. You’ve got to work harder now That works to a certain point because it motivates you, use you a little bit of a kick up the arse and makes you drive hard. When you’re feeling a bit sorry for yourself. It’s like No, suck it up, get in there and keep going. Now that can be really positive but the damaging thing is when you learn those behaviours and you apply it to every situation. And I think that’s where it turns negative.

M: Yep, I think for me I had very similar thoughts going through my head when I went to the A.I.S., which is Australian Institute of Sport for overseas listeners. So I, like you, came to volleyball late, I first touched a volleyball when I was 14 and very quickly went from there to making the school team and making our state team and then being selected for a national junior team and then being offered the chance to train with the senior national team at A.I.S. and I had only been playing for less than a year.

P: wow

M: So coaches obviously saw raw talent and brought me in and the second I got there, I was so out of my league, [Laughter] I was so bad, so rather than a fight to be better mentality. I just constantly felt like I was letting the team down. I just didn’t cope. So I had this huge impostor syndrome and I look back now and I think I had the skill, but with a different mindset I could have taken that as a learning opportunity. I had grace and acceptance from the coaches, not necessarily from my teammates, but definitely I look back at the wasted opportunity that that was for me because of my negative self-talk and the fact that I did everything possible just not to get in everyone’s way and didn’t take that with two hands and run with it. So let’s talk about the research.

P: Of course, It’s all about research on this podcast. Everything has to be backed up scientifically.

M: [Laughter] Also self-compassion, It’s a bit wishy washy. We are talking about things that people just will flat out say they don’t believe in.

P: Absolutely. The word compassion immediately brings to mind images of Monks in robes and the Dalai Lama and all this negative stuff and it’s easy to just go, yeah not for me thanks.

M: Yeah

P: It’s an immediate block and I think that’s the big issue sometimes in turning it on, turning that term self-compassion on yourself. You’ve got to look back on you and be willing to go into that space all right, let’s look at this. Let’s really spend time self-analysing and really go internal for a while and for a lot of people that’s way to confronting.

M: Yeah, but I think the important thing is, do you want to be happy? That’s really what we’re talking about here and for some people who are used to self-analysing and who are very open with sharing their emotions and analysing their blockers and understanding their issues for someone who is completely shut off to that, they can want to be happy but have never have delved into that other side of the emotions.

So this could be a really hard things to, to start to do. But really, it comes down to just being more self-aware.

P: Yes, that’s part of it. Definitely.

M: Yeah, so let’s, let’s have a look at some of the research. Maybe we can sway some of the cynics out there. 

[Laughter]

P: So it’s interesting that you bring up a sports reference Marie because the first piece of research I’ve got is actually from Dr. Christopher M. Carr, “Sport Psychology: Psychologic Issues and Applications (Physical Medicine & Rehabilitation Clinics of North America, 2006). Who’s a psychologist for sports such as the NBA and the NFL in America-

M: – oh, is that all…

[Laughter]

P: He wrote an article in 2006 Psychologic Issues and Applications, and he talks about athletes engaging in negative self-talk. So you see a player who’s frustrated, angry, anxious on court on the field they can’t get it right. They go into that negative space where they’re berating themselves. I’m thinking of tennis players here, like it’s the Nick Curious’s, even the Andre Agassi, when he was in his younger bouffant hair days, he went into those potholes of anger and frustration and yelling and stuff.

M: Mmm Hmm

P: What Carr talks about is that these emotional states that we get into challenge our breathing, they increase our muscular tension and they create a loss of concentration and focus. All of these factors results in a lowering of performance.

M: So I guess what we’re saying here is the emotional impact of that negative self- talk has a physiological impact that for athletes is really critical.

P: Yeah, if you can’t breathe, you can’t perform, you need that.

M: Yep

P: So Carr goes on to talk about the flip side of that talking about an athletes self-talk, being positive and relevant and he says that the resulting emotional experience at this stage is one of relaxation calmness, feeling centred. As a result, this turns good performance into a positive and increases your performing ability.

M: I guess for me, as an athlete, if you’re not feeling confident. How do you pretend to be confident?

P: Fake it ‘til you make it [laugh].

M: Is that what the research is showing here I guess.

P: Exactly, it’s about accessing that mindset, how do I calm myself down, bring myself back to my focus so I can control my breathing and then from there, from there come at the point, the game from a different perspective.

M: I’ll move on to some more research here, and I’m interested in how it applies to a work scenario as well [be]cause not all of us are athletes. There’s a book called ‘How We Work’, written by researcher and author Leah Weiss, and she talks about how again negative self-talk doesn’t help us and can actually make things worse. The research shows that self-criticism is linked to depression, loss of self-esteem, negative perfectionism, procrastination and rumination. And some might say that it helps them to be better and keep striving for excellence. But the research actually shows that it’s likely to compromise your goals and undermine your efforts in all aspects of life, from academic or health related efforts to personal or professional.

So again, it’s important to be able to reflect on what it is that you’re not confident or comfortable about

P: Yeah

M: and then be able to take the resulting negative self-talk and actively try and combat that.

P: I think the interesting part of that is undermining your efforts I think that for me really resonates because it’s subtle little changes that goes with that negative self-talk that is ultimately, it doesn’t create massive cheats in terms of your work performance but it undermines you and that’s not great for when you’re trying to deal with negotiations and trying to deal with, with different people in high tense situations where you’re making calculated decisions, you need to feel confident and in that way I think it does relate to the sport experience. You need to be in control and feel secure.

M: Yep, and there’s a whole body of research right now and a shift in thinking in corporate world’s about psychological safety and the importance of psychological safety. It’s a hot topic of the moment, and really, what we’re saying is it’s about everyone feeling that they have a role to play in the team and that they’re valued for their role and what they do in the team and it’s really tough if you don’t feel valued to then go out and perform your job and stop yourself from getting into that negative self-talk.

P: Absolutely

M: You know, [that] situation that means that you have to then focus on the positive self-talk. Now some of it can be grounded in real life. You might have some horrible colleagues.

[Laughter]

M: and they might not like you, right.

[Laughter]

M: And then it’s about fighting with yourself to be comfortable with your own self value and self-worth. And then other times it’s purely in your own head and that’s the other thing that you need to reflect on I think.

P: Being positive with that that state is again coming back to what we were talking about earlier. Have you done the investment? Having spent some time doing some self-reflection, and I think that those cynics out there who just dismiss it, and that was my Mum, emotions didn’t matter. One of her great quotes is ‘stress wasn’t around when I was young.’

M: [Laugh] See these are the people that we’re doing this podcast for.

P: Absolutely, yeah. ‘Don’t believe in stress doesn’t exist’ and she’s probably the most stressed out person I know.

[Laughter]

P: Poor Mum, I’m giving her a bit of a bashing here. [Laugh]

M: Your Mum I think is more indicative of an entire older generation who were taught that way.

P: Absolutely yes.

So practising self-compassion. Let’s bring it back.

M: So what, what are we talking about? What is practising self-compassion?

P: I think it’s different for every individual, but I think there’s some broad terms we can bring to the conversation and those are a combination of mindful awareness, self-kindness and a recognition about common humanity.

M: What, we’re all human and make mistakes. Is that what we’re talking about?

P: Essentially yes, not being too judgemental, understanding when someone has made a mistake and also taking responsibility for that. Putting your hand up and going ‘oh whoops, I did wrong.’

M: But then letting it go.

P: Exactly, yes and that’s the judgmental part coming into it. Trying not to be too judgemental. When you’re doing that self-reflection, it’s really important about not being too hard on yourself. Give yourself a break, give yourself some love. Be that understanding person that pat’s you on the shoulder and says “it’s OK”.

[Laughter]

M: So if you find yourself in a negative frame of mind and you want to work on some self-compassion. We’ve got three tips that you can try to put into practise.

Firstly, start journaling. So the first step to better understanding yourself and your negative self-talk is to fully grasp what’s going on. Take a couple of weeks and every evening, reflect on the day, and write down your negative and positive self-talk throughout the day.

Secondly, have a look at that over time. So once you’ve done your two weeks, have a look at all the things that you’ve been saying to yourself, find some patterns in there if you can and find what it is in your past that has led to this moment. Why are you saying these negative things to yourself?

Thirdly, once you’ve identified what it is you’re saying, why it is you’re saying it. Your job is to then give yourself some positive affirmations that you can use to combat the negative self-talk.

So once you’re aware of the problem, you’ve then got to shift your behaviour. So write down 2 to 3 things that will combat the negative things you’ve been saying. And every morning before you leave the house or if you’re walking in to work I want you to say these things out loud to yourself and keep up the journaling if you can, so that you can see whether you’re making any changes over time. So they’re the three things you can do to help get started on being more compassionate to yourself.

P: Another tip that I love and this is a bit of a creative one. I call it using the Dragon.

M: OK… I’m intrigued.

P: We’re going to go a bit linear on this one. Externalising the self. So have a conversation with yourself. But externalise it. So for me it came when my father passed away. I was having anxious moments after the funeral and so forth, getting through the grieving process and I invented a dragon and my little dragon sat in the top left corner of my room. And whenever I started to feel emotional or upset, I would reference the top left corner of my room and see my purple dragon and I’d have a little conversation with him. Now not everybody is going to be buying into this, this is all very creative, but for me –

M: – This is why you’re on this podcast with me. It balances us out.

P: [Laugh]!

M: Not to take anything away from any coping mechanism that helps someone deal with grief. I’m not making light of that at all, but I probably wouldn’t invent a dragon that’s all.

[Laughter]

P: It really helped me, it really helped me calm my breathing, bring myself back to centre and come at the situation at hand from a different perspective, because I felt like I had that buddy, that little guardian angel, that little totem, whatever it is a spirit guide some people might use all those sorts of things are valid because they’re helping it to externalise issue, and sometimes we can’t deal with it all by ourselves. And sometimes you need that little spirit guide or that somebody else that is going to go ‘You know what, it’s OK, let’s try this one’.

M: Yep. So essentially, what we’re saying is it’s about treating yourself like you treat your friends. You never say to your friends ‘you’re really not that intelligent are you Pete.’

P: [Laughter]

M: ‘How have you gotten through life so far?’

P: [Still Laughing]

M: So why do we think it’s okay to say it to ourselves? It really is crazy. If you were to write town and say aloud what we say to ourselves and say it to another person you never would absolutely would never say to someone’s face.

P: Sometimes it’s good to write those negative things down when you’re in that space because when you come back to it and go ‘Oh my god, did I really say that about myself, do I really hate myself that much.

M: Yep and I think that is the beauty of all this. Is that, you’re getting more of an understanding of yourself as a person and be kind, be kind to others, be kind to yourself. OK

We’re done for today. So thank you for joining us. If you want to hear more please remember to subscribe and like this podcast.

P: Until next time be kind to yourself. Bye

M: I think Ellen’s already got that one.

P: [Laugh] Oh, d’oh.

M: Yeah, you can’t take that. So… don’t be kind to yourself…?

P: [Laugh] No that doesn’t work…

[Laughter]

M: Bye

P: See ya

Filed Under: Podcast Tagged With: happiness, happiness for cynics, kindness, podcast, self care, self compassion

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