Happiness for Cynics podcast
This week Marie surprises Pete with a discussion about optimism and lessons about happiness that we could all learn from Helen Keller.
Transcript
Show notes:
The Centre for Optimism – https://www.centreforoptimism.com/
[Happy intro music -background]
M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things, I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.
M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.
P: Plus, sometimes we’re kind of funny.
M: All right, Pete. So today, I’m springing a topic on you.
P: Oh, I love when you do this.
M: Laugh.
P: Totally not prepared. I am an open slate for your musings.
M: Laugh. So we’re gonna have a chat. So I have a blog and we have this podcast and we write about happiness and we write specifically for cynics like I was.
P: Laugh.
M: And one of the things that there is a lot of research on, but the cynic tends to find the hardest wrap their head around, is this idea of positive thinking and how that can actually turn around your levels of happiness and your engagement with life.
P: Yes. Mmm, right.
M: It’s a real tough one for a lot of people to wrap their heads around.
P: It wasn’t for me, again straight in there.
M: Yeah.
P: Yeah.
M: You were not our primary audience.
P: No.
M: So.
P: No, no, definitely. So it will be interesting to see.
M: Laugh. So, I have also recently been reading Optimism by Helen Keller, and it blows my mind that someone who had so much stacked against her could be have such a positive outlook on life. And it makes me think about a lot of people who have less stacked against them and who have more of a negative outlook on life, more pessimism in their life.
P: Yep
M: And they look at what they’re achieving or what they’re not one of the point and what Helen Keller was able to achieve in her life. And I know it’s not all about success for people, it’s not all about achieving.
P: Yeah.
M: But I would argue, based on the way that Helen Keller writes in this, that she, she loved her life. She was happy.
P: She chose to love it.
M: Absolutely.
P: Chose to create joy.
M: So if you don’t know who Helen Keller is; Helen Keller became blind when she was 19 months old, and at that time kids were pretty much given up on. So she was blind and deaf. So she really was living in her own world. And for quite a long time she was not taught, sign language or how to form thoughts.
P: Mmm hmm.
M: And she was living in a really, very dark place. And it wasn’t until Helen’s mother read that a deaf-blind person had been educated, that her mom decided to explore that for her. And Helen Keller was the first blind and deaf person to earn a bachelor of arts degree, and she went on to become one of us celebrated women of the 20th century. And she’s written this book called Optimism, and it is just such an inspiration.
P: Oh, wow. I didn’t know that she’d written.
M: Yeah, absolutely. And I think if someone can be shut off from hearing and seeing both and find joy in life, what are the rest of us doing?
P: Laugh! Well, it’s about creating off the opportunity you have. So if you’ve been denied certain aspects, and for me, this kicks into the Buddhist principle of not coveting what you don’t have.
M: Mmm hmm.
P: It’s like you’ve been given this and so that is what you have. These are the tools with us you have to work with. So that is how you will create. So, you get a different tool box to me and this whole concept of, ‘but I want what she’s got’ that doesn’t factor into it. It’s like ‘no, look to your toolbox, to your strengths.’ And you look at what you have in your makeup that can create goodness or opportunity or happiness, success, whatever it is that you’re measuring.
M: Yeah, and there’s two things in there that we’ve talked about before, which is comparisons.
P: Mmm.
M: Which we know is so detrimental to our happiness, comparing what you have to others.
P: Yeah, definitely.
M: They’ve chosen different paths, they’ve had their own struggles and so comparing to others is never, ever a path to happiness.
P: Yep, definitely not.
M: And then the second one is being grateful for what you do have, when you start to flip your thinking, from ‘what don’t I have?’ to ‘what do I have?’
P: Mmm.
M: It’s so powerful.
P: And that’s the power of people like Helen, who are optimists. They see the advantage in every opportunity, like ‘I don’t have that, but I’ve got this!’
M: Mmm hmm.
P: I can bring this to the table, laugh.
M: Yep, and these are my strengths. Even though I’ve got a buttload of weaknesses over there, I’m going to use my strengths, to find happiness in life and to find things that bring me joy and pleasure. And for Helen, a lot of that was learning and writing.
P: Mmm.
M: She did a lot of writing in her life.
P: And it was her mother that was really the initiator of the education. She was home schooled?
M: She was taught one on one. So, her mother went out and I think found someone to teach her sign language. And they did things like grab her hand and let it run under water and then put her hand into the symbol for water so that she could then use that symbol when she wanted to drink water.
P: Gotcha, yeah.
M: So, it was before that even understanding the concept of water would have been difficult when you can’t see it or hear it, right? So she was just in a complete lightless room with no sound for years of her life.
P: Mmm.
M: And still was actually, after that, it’s just that she could form thoughts.
P: Mmm mm.
M: And that’s really what opened her mind to so much more. But she would have along the way, as she was educated, become very aware that she was different from others, I’m sure.
P: Yeah, and you know at a detriment as well, ‘I don’t have these basic abilities that so many other people have.
M: Yep.
P: It’s always the way when you read these great stories of people that have overcome adversity and great adversity to come out the other side.
M: Mmm hmm.
P: And it’s not that we don’t begrudge them their success or anything, but it is inspiring to see someone conquer their ahh, not their foibles, their… The things that they don’t have, laugh.
M: Their weaknesses.
P: Yeah
M: I’m not even going to call them anything more than a weakness because everyone has things that they’re good at and bad at. But definitely, I think there’s also something in there about overcoming trauma and real… bad, bad things that hurt people.
P: Laugh! So how does one maintain optimism in the face of adversity?
M: Well, I think that to start, to start with, it’s gratitude, definitely. You know, we’ve mentioned quite a few times just getting into the practise off being grateful. It is best if you can write it down in a journal. So spend just five minutes, less than five minutes every evening writing down what went well and retraining your brain for the positives.
P: Training your brain to identify that. Yes. It’s a winner.
M: Yeah, absolutely. And if you’re a sceptic out there and don’t believe that’s going to make any difference, then I challenge you to do it for a month and write to me.
P: Laugh! You’re going to get these ugly emails.
M: Laugh.
P: People with folded arms, ‘I don’t feel any different!’
M & P: Laughter!
M: I challenge you, I really do, write to me. I don’t know what I’m going to do once you write to me…
P: Laugh!
M: But it has been proven again and again and again. And person- I can speak from experience personally, it’s made such a difference to me and my relationship with my husband as well, because we do it together.
P: Yeah, interesting.
M: Yep.
P: I think the other thing with optimism is that – People talk about luck people talk about are they are so lucky they get these opportunities and so forth? I don’t think I actually believe in luck. I think that part of optimism is looking for opportunity but being prepared for it when it comes along.
M: Mmm hmm.
P: So, you work on hard on things that you try to do and one of those is training your brain to be grateful and gracious and be mindful so that when an opportunity just pokes its little head up from around the corner, it doesn’t come screaming at you like a freight train just goes [whispers] ‘Hello, I’m over here in the corner. Look at me.’ Laugh.
M: Your luck is kind of creepy.
P: Laugh! But it’s being able to go ‘Ah, there’s opportunity, come over here you and let’s have a look at what you’ve got.’
M: Or I’m not so cynical to that opportunity that I’m unwilling to take a look.
P: Yes, exactly. It’s someone willing to open that door and go in.
M: And there’s a great book called The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor and he talks about how happy people are more successful. And the irony is that people who want success and get on that hedonic treadmill and chase the straight A’s and the career progression and the money etcetera.
P: Laugh.
M: If they’re putting that success first above their happiness, then they’re actually gonna be less successful because the happier you are, the more people want to be around you. The more extroverted and friendly and likeable you are the more those moments of luck or opportunity open up to you in your career and in picking a life partner and in social circles and friends, all of those things open up to you, the happier you are.
P: Mmm hmm.
M: And it’s a bit of a shame that it’s a bit of a catch 22 as well, because a lot of people are not happy because they’re lonely or because they don’t have the success.
P: Yeah.
M: And, you know, it’s hard to then tell people to think positive thoughts and be optimistic if they don’t have the things.
P: […] ‘Slap, snap out of it!’ Literally, it’s so good! It’s like come on, wake up!
M: So, if you find that you’re just rolling your eyes going ‘I work really hard at work, I’ve tried to make friends in this new city, I’ve tried to find a husband or a wife or a boyfriend or girlfriend and it’s just not working for me and all this is BS.
P: Mmm.
M: If that’s sort of where you are in life, then I’d say some really great things.
Gratefulness. Firstly, start retraining your mind to stop looking at everything is bad and a failure and negative.
P: Yes.
M: Two, to go do some volunteering.
P: Yep. Great idea.
M: Yep. Firstly, it starts to build social bonds. You don’t necessarily find your significant other by doing this or your best buddy, but you will form strong friendships. It gets you out and out of the house as well and often get you a little bit of exercise, depending on what you’re doing because you have to go somewhere. It’s just such a tick. So many boxes and his just a really good way to start getting you thinking about happiness as a by product rather than success as the only thing that matters.
P: True, yep.
It’s saying yes! Challenge yourself to say yes for a week.
M: Mmm.
P: I like that one. And I think that that is kind of where you’ve gotten with Helen, and her work is ‘Yes, I could do this, yes, I can do that.’
M: Yeah.
P: Yes, I have the opportunity. If you say yes more often, then all of a sudden, more yes’s start to come.
M: Mmm hmm.
P: It’s probably because then you might find your social calendar a little bit full because you keep saying yes to everything.
M: Laugh.
P: But it’s a roundabout way because in that saying yes, you might meet someone else that invites you somewhere else. And that can be how you meet your lifelong partner or so forth. So it has a funny way of shifting the rule book if you like.
M: Yep.
P: By just that one change of word, stop saying no, say yes and commit.
M: So I am going to read a small thing from a small excerpt from Optimism by Helen Keller and tell me you’re not inspired, okay:
It is curious to observe what different ideals of happiness people cherish, and in what singular places they look for this well-spring of their life. Many look for it in the hoarding of riches, some in the pride of power, and others in the achievements of art and literature; a few seek it in the exploration of their own minds, or in the search for knowledge.
Most people measure their happiness in terms of physical pleasure and material possession. Could they win some visible goal which they have set on the horizon, how happy they would be! Lacking this gift or that circumstance, they would be miserable. If happiness is to be so measured, I who cannot hear or see have every reason to sit in a corner with folded hands and weep. If I am happy in spite of my deprivations, if my happiness is so deep that it is a faith, so thoughtful that it becomes a philosophy of life, —if, in short, I am an optimist, my testimony to the creed of optimism is worth hearing. As sinners stand up in meeting and testify to the goodness of God, so one who is called afflicted may rise up in gladness of conviction and testify to the goodness of life.
Once I knew the depth where no hope was, and darkness lay on the face of all things. Then love came and set my soul free.
M: I’ll stop there, I could keep going.
P: Laugh.
M Because she writes so beautifully as well, but for someone who has been through things that you and I just couldn’t even imagine.
P: No, of course not.
M: It almost makes you feel guilty for feeling so well -laugh.
P: Well, yeah. It’s a good emotional level. It reminds me, there was… I can’t remember it, a philosopher, but it’s basically ‘a miserable being, must find a more miserable being then he is happy.’
M: Mmm. Actually, in having been through mental health issues, I think I definitely when I was depressed, gravitated towards other depressed people because it’s hard to be around people who are happy when you don’t feel happy.
P: Yeah, definitely. Because then you do feel like you’re losing and you’re not, not winning.
M: Well, no, it’s just that you’re faking it the whole time. It’s exhausting. Yeah, yeah, definitely. So, look, I think optimism is something you’ve got to learn and excise like going to the gym.
P & M: Laugh.
P: It’s a training exercise.
M: Absolutely.
P: Keep at it daily, consistency is key.
M: It is. It is. And without it, you’re really doing yourself a bit of a disservice. If succeeding in life is something that motivates you, this’s that extra study or that extra work that you have to put in to do that.
So what makes you optimistic, Pete?
P: Oohh! Small pleasures. I think if I was to be challenged, if I’ve had a challenging week and I’ve had some difficult things going on, I think investing in small pleasures is my way out of it. So when things were going south there for a while, with work and with business, I went into the kitchen. And I just went right for the next 30 minutes. I’m not going to think about any of that. I’m just going to focus on cooking myself a meal. Domesticity is for me, clean something, laugh! Pick a room, do it over shifting the furniture.
M: Hmm.
P: That’s a really good one. For me. It’s distraction, but its creative distraction on it taps into that nothingness and that idleness, which is ah well, spring for creative thought and sometimes creative solutions. Problem solving.
M: I also like that, if you’re not feeling optimistic, what you’re doing actually is controlling what you can control.
P: Yes.
M: So you can control the layout of your lounge room or what you cook, mostly.
P: Yes.
M: Depending on your cooking skills.
P & M: Laughter.
M: You can mostly control what you’re doing in the kitchen. So that gives you a sense of control around that.
P: Yes, mmm.
M: Yep, definitely. For me I have to say what makes me most optimistic is a challenge.
P: Ohh.
M: lt gets me fighting.
P: Yeah, righto. Yep.
M: So, I’m generally quite optimistic. I’m more of a glass half full person, but throw challenge my way and I see it as a challenge that I will overcome and I’ll fight tooth and nail to overcome.
P: Yeah, alright.
M: If needed. So, once I’ve set my mind to it.
P: Once you’ve taken, accepted the challenge.
M: Exactly then I’m all in, all in!
P: Laugh!
M: And Francis, my husband, who will attest it’s the most infuriating thing, we could be lost in the middle of nowhere, I’m like, ‘Nope, this is it. We are going to make it home by dinner, you better believe it.
P: Laugh!
M: We don’t need a map. I don’t care that we have no reception.
P: Laugh.
M: We are going! So, the more of a challenge that is presented, the more I dig my heels in and the more I probably have poorly placed ideas off success. But so far, they’ve all lead me to the right place. Mostly I think.
P: Yeah, I think you’re in the right place.
M: Definitely.
P & M: Laughter!
M: All righty. Well, this is a pretty short one today, but I did just love that exert and the reading from Helen Keller. So I just want to talk about optimism today. And there is a great organisation [The Centre for Optimism] that I think is headquartered out of WA. That focuses on optimism, and I’ll pop it in the show notes as well. But there is so much again research and study on the topic of optimism and what a big difference it can make your life.
P: Mmm. Maybe our listeners could do that for a five-day trial. Try being try being optimistic, and l mean in all aspects.
M: I like your ‘yes’ challenge.
P: When you catch yourself being the negative nelly. Good old negative nelly.
M & P: Laugh!
P: Get some reading, pick up this book and try one action that challenges that negativity and turns it into an optimistic situation.
M: Yep. All right, on that note.
P: Good-luck.
M: Good bye.
[Happy exit music – background]
M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.
P: And if you like our little show we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.
M: Until next time.
M & P: Choose happiness.
[Exit music fadeout]
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