Unapologetically Marie

Writer, podcaster, mental health advocate

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How to build a positive mindset 

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Do you stay awake at night replaying conversations? Do you find yourself ruminating over things people said to you? Or perhaps you worry about the future, thinking about all the ways something might go wrong? 

If so, you’re not alone. Over the past few decades, around the world there’s been an increase in levels of anxiety. The world has changed dramatically, and it can be overwhelming and worrying. 

But the research is showing that you can combat these thoughts by taking more control over your mindset. If your natural inclination is to ruminate and think of all the negatives, you can balance these thoughts by proactively thinking positive thoughts throughout the day. You can train your brain to think more positively! 

There is a raft of health benefits to building a positive mindset.  

You’ll live healthier and longer: Optimists tend to live healthier lives and have a lower risk of chronic diseases like diabetes and heart disease than pessimists. On the flip side, pessimists tend to have shorter telomeres, which means they age faster. “Cells with shorter telomeres circulate and release large amounts of inflammatory proteins that contribute to inflammation, which is a mechanism of aging,” says Aoife O’Donovan, Ph.D., a professor at University of California, San Francisco.  

You’ll be less stressed: People who have positive mindsets cope with the day-to-day turmoil of life better. They are also less anxious and less likely to suffer from depression.  

You’ll be more successful: Compared to pessimists, optimists are more successful in school, at work and in athletics. They are also more successful in their marriages and tend to have more friends and more supportive relationships. 

So how can you build a positive mindset? 

  1. Get good sleep  

Is there a link between poor mental health and sleep? Could getting a bad night’s sleep really be as bad as smoking? Does driving tired really put you in as much danger as driving drunk? According to the latest science, yes! Not only that, but not getting a good night’s sleep can significantly impact your happiness levels and your ability to cope with anything life throws at you – which let’s face it, has been a lot in 2020. In an increasingly hyperconnected world, in which many companies now expect their employees to be on call and to answer emails 24/7, Global consulting firm McKinsey argues that sleep is an important organizational topic that requires specific and urgent attention.  

  1. Limit social media 

Have you found yourself turning to social media to while away the long hours of Covid lockdown? Are you noticing some negative effects? If so, you may need a social media detox. Even before Covid, social media was well ingrained in most societies around the world. In Australia, as of January 2019 there were 18 million active users of social media websites (69% of the population). Facebook is the most popular social media platform, with ~16 million monthly users of the website. In the U. S., about 70 percent of adults say they use Facebook and YouTube, while Instagram and Snapchat are growing in popularity among 18–24-year-olds. Social media can be an important part of modern life, but unfortunately, the research also tells us that it can also be destructive to our mental wellbeing. Many studies have linked excessive social media use to increased depression, anxiety, loneliness, sleeplessness, and many other mental health issues. 

  1. Spend time with positive people 

In a recent New York Times article, researcher stated that people laugh five times as often when they’re with others as when they’re alone. Peak happiness lies mostly in collective activity. Not only that, but researchers have also found that the use and appreciation of humour is positive for overall wellbeing and psychological health. Humour is observed in all cultures and at all ages. But only in recent decades has experimental psychology respected it as an essential, fundamental human behaviour. According to positivity strategist Paul Osincup, “Humour is the new mindfulness.” You can actually train your brain to see and experience humour more often. So go on, have a laugh with some positive people. 

  1. Don’t suppress negative emotions 

One of the biggest misconceptions about the positive psychology movement is that people should always aim to be happy and negative emotions are to be avoided.  

This is a load of rubbish. Firstly, only being happy is impossible. Secondly, trying to suppress negative emotions can be really detrimental for mental health. The reality of life is that it’s messy, and even the people who are the happiest, most joyful and most fulfilled experience appropriate negative emotions when the situation calls for it.  

The key is to process negative events and emotions in a healthy way so you can move forward. So how can you process your emotions when times are tough? Simple, start a practice of journaling. Over the last few decades, many studies have shown that journaling is a great tool to help you understand yourself better, unpack old issues and let them go, and give your mind the knowledge to understand how you see and react to the world around you. It has also been shown to increase happiness, help to reach goals and even have some positive physical health benefits. And if you’re someone who is generally not comfortable opening up to people, studies show that journaling might be the most beneficial to you. 

“When we put our thoughts and feelings down on paper, we’re not just transferring them—we’re also transforming them. Writing forces us to arrange our ideas into a sequence, one after another; over time, themes and patterns start to emerge; new insights and perspectives start to bubble up,” according to Kira M. Newman, Greater Good Magazine. 

  1. Movement and exercise 

There’s a whole lot of research into the physiological and physical health benefits of exercise, but exercise can also it can make us happier. It is great for our mood and our mental state. Exercising released dopamine (DA), noradrenaline (NE), and serotonin (5-HT) – the happy drugs! They’re the things that make us feel joyful and they’re present when we exercise. They increase in their production when we move our bodies and do exercise.  

  1. Learn something new 

As Einstein famously said: “The important thing is to never stop questioning.” Learning something new is an essential part of creating a happy environment for yourself and a great way to start your day in a happy mood. Our brains develop more and release happy chemicals when we learn something new or stimulate them with exciting information. This doesn’t have to be a complicated or expensive happiness habit; it can just include watching a Ted Talk during breakfast or listening to a podcast on your way to work. This type of habit will put you in a happy mood just by stimulating your brain and getting your gears turning. Multiple studies and research suggest that consistent curiosity goes hand in hand with happiness.   

  1. Get outdoors 

It’s easy to forget how the little things – like taking a walk – can have such a huge impact on our mental health and make us happier. Studies show that brain structure and mood improve when we spend time outdoors. This has positive implications for concentration, memory and overall psychological wellbeing. Also, getting outdoors means getting natural light, which may be key to improving mood and reducing insomnia. A recent study showed more time spent outside in natural light was associated with improved mood, better sleep quality, and ease of waking. 

 

  1. Practice gratitude 

The science is clear. Practicing gratitude makes you happier and less stressed. It leads to higher overall wellbeing and satisfaction with your life and social relationships. Yet many of us don’t make gratitude a part of our weekly practices.  And it can be really simple, research suggests that expressing gratitude by texting may be just as beneficial as an in-person show of appreciation.  

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynicsand weekly email newsletter for regular updates and news! 

Please note that I may get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks! 

Ways to improve your wellbeing and happiness (E101)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast

Join Marie and Pete this week as they discuss a recent study that shows the best ways to improve your wellbeing and happiness.

Show notes

During the podcast, Marie and Pete discuss a few cartoons but are unsure of some of the details. Here is some information on those topics.

Mighty Mouse (1942)

Mighty Mouse is an American animated anthropomorphic superhero mouse who was originally called Super Mouse, and made his debut in the 1942 short The Mouse of Tomorrow. The name was changed to Mighty Mouse in his eighth film, 1944’s The Wreck of the Hesperus. He also appeared in the British nursery comic Bimbo circa 1968, in what appear to be brand new stories created for the pre-school readers of that title.

Roger Ramjet (1965)

Roger Ramjet was an animated children’s comedy series created in the United States and first running in 1965, but frequently in syndication since. Starring Roger Ramjet and the American Eagle Squadron, the show was known for its crude animation as well as its references to popular culture.

Wacky Races (1968)

This cartoon was referenced but not named during the podcast with mentions of Penelope Pitstop and Dick (not Dan) Dastardly and his dog Muttley.

Wacky Races is an American animated television series produced by Hanna-Barbera Productions for Saturday mornings. The series features 11 different cars racing against each other in various road rallies throughout North America, with all of the drivers hoping to win the title of the “World’s Wackiest Racer”.
Racers:

  1. Dick Dastardly and Muttley in the Mean Machine
  2. Penelope Pitstop in the Compact Pussycat
  3. The Slag Brothers in the Boulder Mobile
  4. Lazy Luke and Blubber Bear in the Arkansas Chuggabug
  5. Professor Pat Pending in the Convert-a-Car
  6. The Gruesome Twosome in the Creepy Coupe
  7. Sergeant Blast and Private Meekly in the Army Surplus Special
  8. The Ant Hill Mob in the Bulletproof Bomb
  9. Rufus Ruffcut and Sawtooth in the Buzzwagon
  10. The Red Max in the Crimson Haybaler
  11. Peter Perfect in the Turbo Terrific

Transcript

Coming soon

The Silver Lining of COVID-19 (E85)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about the silver lining of COVID-19, what it has taught us and how it has made us stronger.

Show notes

We are not in the same boat

A poem about COVID-19 

Live in the Future

During the podcast Marie talks about an article in the conversation that discusses Why living in the future, rather than in the past, is key to coping with lockdowns – new research 

Transcript

Coming soon

Are You Really Happy?

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Are You Really Happy

Could You Honestly Say You Are Truly Happy in Life? 

Picture this. You finish up a manic period of work and dash to the airport to catch a flight for your annual holiday – seven days at a 5-star all-inclusive resort. The food is excellent, and the drinks keep flowing. You’re with your partner or best friend, wandering up and down white sand beaches, splashing in the crystal blue and turquoise waters of the ocean. You get massages and even head out for several spectacular day trips. Too soon, your time comes to an end, although you sneak in a few free drinks on the flight back to hold on to the holiday vibes for a little bit longer. 

How do you feel upon your return? Hopefully relaxed, maybe a bit zen, and more than anything happy? Maybe you bound into work on Monday morning, keen to pick up your work and chat to your colleagues about your trip. But what happens on day two or three? How about after five days or two weeks? As your tan and holiday glow begin to fade, most likely you begin to feel like your normal old self again. Most likely, you return to your normal happiness levels. 

What is the Happiness Set Point? 

Psychologists would say that you are returning to your happiness set point – a psychological concept which describes how our happiness goes up and down in response to good and bad events in our lives, but that in between those highs and lows, we each return to our own base level. This is how happy you are on a day-to-day basis. As Dr. Robert Puff explains, even if you win the lottery, your feelings of happiness will soar sky-high and then return to the same normal level they are at most of the time for you. On the flip side, in his book The Resilience Project, Hugh van Cuylenburg describes his time teaching poor kids in India, “I met a kid who was nine years old and slept on the floor like everyone else. But I remember thinking to myself, ‘I have never in my life seen joy like this before. This kid’s the happiest person I’ve ever met. I’ve never seen anything like him. How incredible. How is it this kid’s so gleefully happy?’” As Puff points out, this is because long-term happiness comes from your internal environment and not the external world. 

The average person will spend most of their time in the in between moments – not riding the highs and lows. So having a higher happiness set point is critical to living a happy life overall. It’s the difference between looking back on your life and thinking, “yes, I was truly happy in life,” or only being able to say, “there were some moments of happiness in my life.” 

We all know people who have low happiness set points: they’re the ones who are natural pessimists… the Debbie Downers of the world. Maybe you are naturally wired to be more negative or more pessimistic than most. What can you do if you sit at a four out of ten, verses say a seven out of ten? Can you raise your happiness and satisfaction levels so you are consistently happier, day in and day out? Can you raise your happiness set point?  

Thankfully the answer is yes. You can become a happier person – if not, this site wouldn’t exist!  

In 2005, researchers Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, and David Schkade proposed a simple pie graph which showed that there were three primary factors that influence a person’s happiness levels. They showed a person’s happiness set point is influenced by three major factors: a genetically determined set point for happiness, happiness-relevant circumstantial factors, and happiness-relevant activities and practices.  

In short, the graph shows that 50 per cent of our happiness is determined by our genetics, so it’s out of our control. Also, and 10 per cent is determined by our life circumstances, which can often be influenced but are also sometimes out of our control. Finally, 40 per cent of our happiness levels are determined by our activities. These are completely within our control and this means that what you choose to do and spend your time on can impact your happiness levels. 

Although this graph has been criticised by many (including the authors) for oversimplifying happiness, positive psychologists still tend to agree that whether it’s 15 per cent or 40 per cent that’s within our control, we still have some control. Many researchers since then have showed that introducing happiness interventions under the ‘intentional activity” category can sustainably increase happiness. 

What this means is that even though you can’t change all the determinants of happiness, you may never move from a 4 to an 8 on a happiness scale, but you might move from a 4 to a 6 – which is worth the effort in my book.  

Happiness can be successfully pursued. For some happiness may feel like a natural state, but for others it is not easy, for many people it is hard won. The key lies in our habits and behaviours. Puff writes that if you eat fast food multiple times per week and spend most of your time watching Netflix and scrolling through social media, you shouldn’t expect to feel any increase in your happiness levels.  

Happiness for no Good Reason 

To achieve that sustained happiness, it’s important not to focus on the external ‘stuff’ that many people mistake for drivers of happiness, such as getting promoted, losing 5 kilos or finding Mr or Mrs Right. Instead, we need to focus internally. Happiness comes from within.  

In her book Happy for No Reason, Marci Shimoff describes it as bringing happiness to the external environment rather than trying to suck the happiness from the outer environment. So, no matter what’s happening around us, maybe we’ve had a good day, maybe we’ve had a bad day, in the end, it doesn’t matter as our underlying and prevailing feelings are ones of happiness and peace. Regardless of whether you get promoted or find Mr Right, you’re happy anyway. 

To find that sustained happiness, we need to prioritise those intentional activities that positively impact our happiness levels. The person who is consistently happier than their happiness set point – the person who is just happy for no good reason – often is happy because of good habits. 

Neuroscientists who study the brain show that we start to form new neural pathways in the brain as we form new habits that increase our happiness level. As we continue to build our new happy habits those neural pathways get stronger and stronger, at the same time, the neural pathways for the old negative habits get weaker.  

Getting started on Your Happiness Journey 

So how do you get started on creating happiness habits? There are many models for happiness from Dr. Martin Seligman’s PERMA model to Dr. Tal Ben Shahar’s SPIRE model and more. In short, they all show that happier people prioritise activities in the following three broad categories: 

Meaning and Purpose: Firstly, they have meaning and purpose in their lives and this is often tied to a strong sense of identity and self. This is about having something to get you out of bed in the morning, and about having goals, plans and commitments. 

Community and Connection: Secondly, they have strong community and connection. They have a core group of people they can talk to and depend on. They also tend to have a wider community network, through activities like church, regular volunteering and practicing kindness. 

Health and Wellbeing: Thirdly, they practice and prioritise positive habits for a healthy body and mind. It could be getting out into nature for walks, going to the gym, or playing on a sports team, or it could be meditation, drinking water, and making sure they get 8hrs of sleep. The activity itself is less important, the main point is that resilient people prioritise their preferred self-care habits, even when life gets busy. 

Why not Start with Introducing a Gratitude Practice into Your Week? 

A really easy and scientifically proven activity which can start to change those neural pathways for the better is practicing gratitude. We’re all wired to look for the negative, it’s evolutionary. After all, the person who focused on the pretty flower over the stalking lion wouldn’t have lived long enough to pass on their genes. However, as stalking lions are no longer a priority in 21st century life, practicing gratitude can help you change that wiring. 

Gratitude works by helping you to find the good in your day and focus on that, rather than always or only focusing on the bad. It only takes a minute a day, but it balances out the things that went wrong that day, the negative news, the anger on social media and everything else that it just life nowadays.  

Also, it is really easy to do: A 2003 study by Emmons & McCullough showed that keeping a gratitude journal weekly for only 10 weeks, or daily for only two weeks, led to more positive moods, optimism about the future, and better sleep. 

So why not get started today? What have you got to lose? 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources! 

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

From Languishing to Flourishing (E70)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about how to go from languishing to flourishing in our super busy, stressful and complicated world.

Show notes

During the podcast Pete talks about a segment he heard on Triple J by Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki.

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: And we’re back.

P: Howdy, howdy, howdy!

M: Hi, hi!

P: Laugh. So, I’d like to start off the episode this week Marie with an acknowledgment of country.

M: Aww.

P: It’s reconciliation week this week in Australia, and for those of you who aren’t aware reconciliation week in Australia is about our shared history. Acknowledging our first Nations peoples, acknowledging the shared history that we have [and] addressing some of the issues that have come out of the acknowledgement that shared history in terms of the things that have happened and how we can move forward in a reconciliation format.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: If I could speak our native language, I’d do it but I’m not going to insult our first nations people by attempting that.

M: Laugh.

P: I was thinking about it in terms of a happiness scale, and this is one of those things that you can get involved with, which is going to bring more happiness and more joy into your life. This is an opportunity to go and do something and be involved in a community endeavour.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And we know, and we’ve talked about how volunteering your time and taking part in ethical actions can sometimes bring about good feelings. And those good feelings are sustainable. Going along to a local ceremony or going along to an event showing your support is one way of doing an ethical thing which is going to give you back tenfold in terms of what you put in.

M: Absolutely. And so I would like to pay my respects to elders past, present and emerging, and we live here in Sydney in the Eora nation. So, I did know that. Thank you for springing this on me!

P & M: Laughter.

M: But there are some great activities you can do, and the other thing we talked about is novelty and bringing novelty into your life.

P: Mmm.

M: We haven’t really explored our indigenous history. There are so many fabulous things you can do, particularly around Sydney here.

P: Mmm.

M: We did a wonderful tour through the rocks area and learned about how our ancestors ate and the fish and the ways that they communicated with other tribes that came through and to tell them what was poisonous and what was not.

P: Yep.

M: And learn about the plants and the agriculture and horticulture and all of that …culture.

P & M: Laugh!

M: Not my area of expertise, just throwing that out there!

P: Laugh.

M: Alright, and how they lived as well. And it was a fascinating walk-through modern-day Sydney with learning about past culture.

P: Mmm. There was a wonderful programme I heard this morning on JJJ which is a local youth National Broadcasting Channel, Radio Channel in Australia. Dr. Karl, who most people will know.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Karl Stefanovic.. not Stefanovic. What was his name?

M: Uh, I don’t know. Dr. Karl.

P: I can’t remember, laugh.

M: Does anyone even know their last name?

P: Laugh! Anyway they had a couple of First Nations People on the program this week and one of them was an astronomer who looks at the stars through an indigenous lens.

M: Aww, I love it.

P: And I though, oh that would be really cool, but unfortunately I had to go and do an exam.

M: Oh.

P: Listening to those sort of things or going and experiencing some of the fantastic performances and celebrations that are around and just choosing to be part of that.

M: Mmm.

P: It’s a good way to bring happiness and joy.

M: Absolutely, well thank you for bringing that up.

P: That’s alright, [Super excited voice] what are we talking about this week, Marie?

M: Laugh! We are talking about a really hot topic –

P: Oooh, I like a hot topic!

M: Yes, everyone’s talking about languishing,

P: Oh!

M: and what it is to languish.

P: Oh, I feel like I need to repose in a pool with a gin and tonic.

M: Mmm hmm.

M: So last year, or maybe the year before flourishing, flourishing and thriving were the buzzwords in positive psychology, particularly Arianna Huffington, launched her website Thrive and it’s all about living your best life.

P: Mmm. Now flourishing post covid or during covid we’re still in covid, let’s be honest and sorry for all you Melbourne people down there who are very much still in covid and in the lock down Flourishing is a word that’s come out in the last year to mean just kind of surviving, just living.

P: Oh, really!

M: Uh, not flourishing, languishing!

P: Oh, ok right. I was just gonna say [flourishing] has been dumbed down, laugh.

M: And really is reflected in the fact that in the past year, a lot of us have just been.

P: Existed.

M: You know, I am.

P: Yeah.

M: Yeah, exactly, exactly. So we’re talking about how to get from languishing to flourishing.

P: Flourishing! It just makes you want to sing “Laaaaaa.”

M: And I love that the study that we’re looking at today came from an Aussie!

P: Laugh! Oh, I’ve got to do this haven’t I?

M: You do and how do you pronounce Geraldine’s last name?

P: Geraldine Przybylko. She’s Polish by the look of it.

M: In Australia, yes.

P: So, Geraldine I hope I got that right.

M: Laugh. Ah, yep. It was too much for me, I say that with all the respect in the world.

P: Laugh.

M: Her and her colleagues have just published a new study in the journal of Positive Psychology, which suggests that happiness comes with practise, which we’ve said quite a few times on our show.

P: Yeah.

M: And that you’ve got to put work into being happy. So if you want to go from languishing to flourishing, you’ve got to put in the work.

P: Do the work people. It’s like wanting to play an instrument or be a good sports person and only reading the books or listening on the podcast not actually getting out practising.

P & M: Laughter!

M: And happiness is like that. You can’t just read a book about volleyball and not ever go into a gym and play.

P: Laugh.

M: And unfortunately, a lot of people are buying self-help books and are doing that reading and coming out all inspired, and they’re wondering why they’re not happy three week later.

P: Yeah.

M: So, this study is actually looking at what we need to do, to go from languishing to flourishing.

P: And they’re talking about the combination of two different aspects. One of positive psychology, but combined with lifestyle medicine.

M: Yes.

P: What is the lifestyle medicine Marie?

M: Things like eating well, getting enough sleep. All the things your doctor tells you to do.

P: Or your allied Health Professional?

M: Yes, and positive psychology adds in the positive affirmations.

P: The mental aspect of lifestyle medicine, would you say?

M: Yeah. Mental and emotional.

P: Hmm, ok.

M: Yeah. So, adding those two together in a 10 week program showed a 17% increase in happiness or moving from languishing to flourishing.

P: That’s higher than interest rates in the eighties!

M: Laugh, sure is.

P: Laugh.

M: And not only that, up to 12 weeks afterwards, people were still showing higher happiness levels.

P: So, it’s lasting change.

M: Yes.

P: Ah, ok.

M: It is 10 weeks will give you at least another 10 weeks after that of change.

P: Makes sense though, because in anything that you’re trying to do in terms of habit forming if you’re going to do 10 weeks, you’ve set the practise in motion and you’ve got the habit formed by 10 weeks.

M: Well, the interesting thing about this – I’d say yes, definitely – But they did 10 different things over 10 weeks.

P: Mmm.

M: So, they weren’t setting habits necessarily. So, they did 10 different things over 10 different weeks and combined all of those 10 things, added to people’s happiness or flourishing levels.

P: Oh! So how does one measure our flourishing level?

M: Well, why don’t you tell me?

P & M: Laugh.

P: Well, it’s funny because when I first read this, I went and put my cynic hat on.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: The flourishing scale… And the first thing that came into my mind was ‘how can you rate flourishing scale because it’s very subjective, like pain. My pain is different to your pain.’

M: They have a scale for pain too! And actually, Jo and Francis, when I was in hospital used to hold up the scale to me in the morning.

P: Laughter! But the nature of pain is very subjective, so in terms of comparing data, it’s very difficult.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So, what they’ve done to maybe get past that subjective measure is they’ve created 10 different measures of flourishing, they start with:

Most days I feel a sense of accomplishment from what I do.

M: That’s engagement with your life.

P: Ok yep, next one is:

In the past week I felt calm and peaceful.

M: Again, that’s a measure of not feeling manic and like a lot of people do in today’s day and age.

P: Mmm hmm.

I love learning new things.

M: This would go along with the growth mindset, which has been proven to make people happier than people who don’t have growth mindset. Yep, love it.

P: Yeah.

I generally feel that what I do in my life is valuable and worthwhile.

M: Purpose, yep purpose we know that one.

P: Laugh.

Always optimistic about my future.

M: Always is a strong word, isn’t it?

P: Laugh, yeah. Well, I don’t know anyone who’s always [optimistic].

M: We’re reading these on a scale right? So perhaps for this one a 7 is good.

P: Yeah.

Taking all things together, how happy would you say you are?

There are people in my life who really care about me.

M & P: Social connection, laugh.

P: We know you love that one, Muz.

When things go wrong in my life it generally does not take me a long time to get back to normal.

P: Resilience!

M: This is resilience, Pete!

P: Laugh. Geez, I’m getting good at this, I only went over this today.

M: Look at us, we know what we’re talking about!

P & M: Laughter!

P: [gunshot noises] Pew, pew, pew!

M: That’s a bit of a surprise, research that we’ve actually talked about!

P: Laughter, ok last two:

In general, I feel very positive about myself.

P: Projection.

M: There’s something Aussie and cynical in me that’s like ‘stop being so arrogant!’

P & M: Laugh.

P: And the last one:

In the past week, I had a lot of energy.

M: [Lack of energy] Is an early sign for depression. Just feeling really lacklustre and not feeling like wanting to do anything.

P: It’s one of the markers for leading to different conditions.

M: Interesting.

P: So, asking yourself those questions is a really good way to measure your flourishing. And I guess you would collate the points score together and measure it out of 100 see where you’re sitting. So, if you are 66 okay, my flourishing level is above average, above 50.

M: I don’t think that you would compare it average. I think the key point there is subjective happiness like you said before happiness is subjective. So, you start at 66 which is neither good nor bad.

P: Ok, yep.

M: And after the end, have you gone up?

P: Oh, ok.

M: You know, is your level at 88?

P: Just like a remedial exercise program, laugh.

M: And after 10 weeks if you continue and do another 10 weeks of it do you get more gain?

P: Aahhh, that would be interesting. Or to do it spasmodically. Spasmodically?

M: Laugh.

P: Periodically, like throughout year at different points or a three-monthly exercise. We can re-visit our goals once a year, maybe we could revisit our flourishing level once a quarter, when do your tax return, laugh.

M: And you know what, they say you can’t prove what you don’t measure.

P: Mmm, I agree.

M: And I think it needs to be something that we’re more systemic, systematic and put more attention towards.

P: And this is a really, easy tool to do that. It’s a really easy way to come up with a measurement without going ‘Oh, where do I rate myself today?’ This is just answering questions off the cuff.

M: Yep, absolutely. So, let’s move to the activities because that’s really where it’s interesting, I think.

P: Ok.

M: What can you put in practise that is going to tangibly improve your happiness levels? And these 10 things, so one a week is what they did, they had a daily challenge and a weekly challenge.

P: Ok.

M: So every day there was something little. And then over the week they had a lot more, like bigger things, that they needed to do. So, week one – really, really easy, Speak positively.

P: Ahh, yeah, the inner voice. Change the inner voice.

M: Yes, and now the first one, if you’re not someone who likes to look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful, wonderful, smart, and intelligent –

P: Laugh.

M: – this might make you breathe a sigh of relief; It is offering a genuine compliment. So once a day for a week offer a genuine compliment to someone else.

P: That’s pretty easy to do, yeah.

M: It is, as long as you focus on doing it, you remember to do it.

P: Yeah.

M: Put it in the diary, put a reminder in your phone, whatever it is and then make sure that you do it. And then the weekly challenge was memorize an inspirational text or saying.

P: I love that.

M: Absolutely and I love that, because when was the last time you actually sat down and memorised text?

P: All the time, laugh!

M: Memorized?

P: Yeah.

M: So, you can quote it back later?

P: Yeah.

M: I’m so 21st century brain, I consume so much and retain and remember so little, laugh.

P: Yeah, right-o ok.

M: To be really honest.

P: That’s possibly something I have done a lot of through my positive psychology training, remembering things that I can pull out of a hat or let inspire you.  

M: It’s about mindfulness in a way. It’s really connecting deeply with something in the moment that’s, that’s beautiful and ironic that I don’t do it more often, laugh.

P: It was also part of my blog, I used to always end with a quote.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So, I had that in there, that I had a weekly task of finding a quote. You do that.

M: I have a quote for my weekly newsletter, do I remember them?

P & M: No, laugh!

M: I love them in the moment.

P & M: Laugh.

M: But I don’t commit them to memory because it’s about going that next step.

P: Yep.

M: So, that was week one. Week two, this one’s for you, Pete.

P: Oh.

M: Move dynamically.

P: Woo hoo! Dance, dance, dance.

M: Yes.

P: Dance naked around the kitchen! It’s really fun! Just do it when your flatmate’s not coming home from volleyball.

M: Laugh, sorry Charlie.

P: Laugh!

M: So, for one week only, you’re going to really commit to some exercise. So, they say 30 minutes of moderate exercise or 10,000 steps.

P: Yeah.

M: Yeah, we do that every single day for one week. And then the weekly challenge is really quite easy. So on one of those days, do 20 minutes of guided resistance exercise, that’s like weights.

P: Yeah, Thera-bands, body-weight work, some gymnastics, handstands!

M: All right. Week three – Immerse in an uplifting natural environment.

P: Aahhh, forest bathing!

M: Get out into nature.

P: Forest bathing, it’s a thing.

M: 30 minutes a day. Essentially, what they’re asking is for 10 weeks, put 30 minutes aside to be happier.

P: Yes.

M: So 30 minutes a day, you know, out near a lake, the beach, the mountains.

P: Find a local park, there’s so many of them around in Sydney.

M: Yep or go to the beach. And then the weekly challenges to experience a sunrise.

P: Oooh, that’s a hard one.

M: It sure is.

P: Laugh! Mind you I’ve been getting up really early.

M: Eeuggh, sunrise early?

P: Yeah.

M: It’s the middle of winter.

P: Yeah, I know, it’s not hard ‘cause it’s later, laugh.

M: …Okay, all right. Week four – Immerse in a positive social environment.

P: Mmm.

M: So daily, do something intentional, to show you care.

P: Ok.

M: And weekly, this one’s a good one, forgive someone who’s hurt you.

P: Oh, that’s opening up a can of worms.

M: Yeah, and we’ve spoken about forgiveness before. Forgiveness is not about that person.

P: Mmm.

M: It’s about you letting go of things and your anger.

P: Yeah, and it’s not about you saying ‘I forgive you.’ It’s just the action and you don’t have to express it.

M: Yep.

P: I think that’s what people fear, ‘I simply can’t do it!’

M: No, no, no, you never have to talk to them again.

P: Yeah.

M: And you don’t have to approve of their behaviour, or anything like that. It’s about you.

P: Yeah.

M: Alright, week five – Look to the positive. So spend 15 minutes reflecting on three things that went well everyday.

P: Oooh.

M: That’s gratitude.

P: Yep.

M: We talked about that before and then weekly, write a letter of gratitude to someone and share it with them.

P: Aww.

M: Again, we’ve spoken about the power of that well.

P: Yep.

M: Week six – Eat nutritiously.

P: Yeah, we know this works.

M: Oh, this is my downfall.

P: Gasp!

M: Laugh! Eat eight servings of plant based food a day.

P: Yes.

M: it’s really… You’re not going to be hungry.

P: No.

M: Eight servings of plant-based food, unless your choosing lettuce each time.

P: Laugh, even lettuce will fill you up.

M: Absolutely. You know you can definitely feel full off that.

P: Yep.

M: And then the weekly challenge is to prepare a high fibre, plant based meal with one or more friends.

P: Yes!

M: Make it social.

P: Sook socially, it’s good fun.

M: It’s very, the weekly challenge is very 21st century, isn’t it?

P: Mmm.

M: Plant based, that wasn’t even a thing 20 years ago.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: So, we’re definitely not only doing what’s better for our bodies, but being environmentally conscious about it.

P: Laugh.

M: Okay, Week seven – Rest – sleep.

P: Sleep, sleep more! So, many studies done about this.

M: Yes.

P: And it always comes up. If we don’t rest, we don’t regenerate.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And one hour sleep deprivation is enough to downgrade your immune system by 50%.

M: Look at you and your course knowledge.

P: Laugh.

M: Or stats, that you remember.

P: Laugh.

M: So, this is about committing to spending eight hours in bed without a device.

P: Mmm.

M: It doesn’t count if you’re watching cat videos.

P: The better way is to plug it into a wall socket away from you bed.

M: Yep.

P: Put it in another room and make your room device free.

M: Or go to bed early, and so I read on my device, I know it’s not good, and then I’ll put it away, but I’m very good at getting my eight hours of sleep. I’m a cranky –

P: Laugh!

M: – person if I don’t. And then the weekly challenge to add to that was to spend an evening by firelight.

P: Oh, oh, candle-light, does that work?

M: Yes.

P: Alright, that’s easy.

M: Alright, week eight, I’m loving seven and eight, these are right up my alley. Week eight is –

Rest – from stress.

P: Oh.

M: So your daily challenges is to spend 15 minutes in a quiet place, relaxing and being mindful of your surroundings.

P: Ah, a bit of meditation time.

M: Yes.

P: Go, sit under a tree, hear the birdies tweeting. Sit in church, go and sit in a church, you don’t have to pray. Churches are great for that, they’re wonderful places –

M: They’re really beautiful.  

P: – and they’re quite, great to sit in and be awed and inspired.

M: Yep. And then the weekly challenge for that one is to take a day off work and have a digital Sabbath.

P: Mmm.

M: So, so offline for 24 hours to recharge.

P: Yeah, escape.

M: So, I guess if you can, you know, go camping or find somewhere just quiet and away from all your stresses and be quiet for a day.

P: Mmm, mmm.

M: All right, keep going. Number nine is – Serving others. So, your daily challenge is to perform a random act of kindness.

P: Laughter! Done.

M: Mmm hmm. And your weekly challenge is to use your signature strength to perform an act of service, so I don’t think we’ve actually covered signature strengths yet.

P: Not yet.

M: But the VIA [Values In Action] signature strength test [The VIA Character Strengths Survey], so, that’s from Penn University in the States, it’s a really good way to just understand yourself better.

P: Hmm.

M: And the thinking used to be in the corporate world in the nineties and early two thousand’s that you wanted to understand your strengths and weaknesses and work on your weaknesses so that you were a well-rounded human-being.

P: Yeah, yeah,

M: The thinking nowadays is screw that –

P: Laugh.

M: if you’re not good at it don’t bother!

P: Laughter!

M: Unless it’s really holding you back.

P: Yeah.

M: And to really focus in on what your strengths are and double down on that.

P: Oh, ok.

M: If that’s what you’re good at, go do that!

P: Yeah.

M: And make sure that that’s part of your job.

P: Well, that taps into purpose as-well doesn’t it? And that concept of Ikigai, where you’re doing something you’re passionate about that you’re good at.

M: Passionate about, yeah. Because we’re normally not passionate about stuff that we don’t… that we’re not good at.

P: Mmm. Yeah, no, true.

M: So this is, again VIA strengths assessment, and you can go do that for free online and just get a better understanding what your strengths are.

P: Mmm.

M: And last one, week 10, the question is – What does it take to flourish? So your daily challenge is continue the challenges that you found to be helpful.

P: Ok.

M: And your weekly challenge is to continue the challenges that you found to be helpful.

P: Laughter!

M: It’s a bit of a cheat week, isn’t it? Laugh.

P: Yeah, it’s a week off. Laugh, ah we’ll give you a break!

M: So, I guess before we wrap up. The whole point of talking about this in today’s episode is to say that we talk about so many of these things every week, don’t we?

P: Mmm, yeah.

M: But just like exercising or learning an instrument, we can’t just talk about it and we can’t just listen to a podcast.

P: Mmm.

M: You’ve actually got to put this stuff into the practise.

P: Yep.

M: And if you do, this latest study here shows that you can improve your happiness or move away from languishing and more towards flourishing and loving life by up to 17%.

P: Yep, that’s a decent figure.

M: Sure is. Who wouldn’t want to be 17 percent happier?

P: Definitely.

M: I think Dan Harris, wrote a book 10% Happier.

So, this is like kicking you ass down, laugh.

P: Hey, we’re one up! Laugh! Throw that challenge glove down!

M & P: Laugh!

M: Absolutely, well on that note we’ll end for the week.

P: Enjoy your tasks people.

M: Wishing you a happy week.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

Random Acts of Kindness (E69)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about random acts of kindness, how they will make you happier, and challenge you to get involved.

Show notes

During the podcast Marie and Pete briefly discuss racism and Pete mentions that they will come back to the discussion later. Unfortunately they ran out of time this episode and will hopefully discuss this topic at another time. Please feel free to suggest podcast topics, post a question or even just leave a comment at www.marieskelton.com

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: And we’re back.

P: We’re back. Fun fact –

M: That we’re back?

P: No, no. I’ve got a fun fact for you.

M: Laugh! Ok, yes. What’s your fun fact?

P: Laughter lowers cortisol.

M: Stress hormone.

P: Yes.

M: Ohhh.

P: It came up in a lecture of mine this week. Laughter lowers cortisol and I’m like ‘oh! I know this!’ Laughter!

M: Should we do some laughter yoga now?

P: Exactly, laugh.

M: Though, I don’t know if you need it, you’re already laughing.

P: But, I thought it was really interesting that, you know, this came out a lecture. Laughter actually lowers your stress hormone. So, if you’re having a bad week, the best thing that you can do for immediate effect is to go out and get a laugh.

M: Yep.

P: However, that happens if it’s going out and doing something silly, like walking around the house naked or if it’s going to a comedy show, watching your favourite movie.

M: Or having a laugh in the mirror for 60 seconds like we practised the other week.

P: Oh yeah.

M: It’s so easy, so, so easy and I’ve been doing in the mornings –

P: Laugh.

M: – and it’s just so mind blowing to me that such a simple 60 second thing can make such an impact.

P: It makes such a difference and I think that it’s worth investing in. So, get out there and laugh people!

M: Laugh.

P: Enjoy.

M: So, I went through our stats on our [podcast].

P: Ooh!

M: Guess which episode is the most popular?

P: Snigger, oh ooh… Laugh, I don’t want to guess this!

M: Laugh! It’s the only explicit one that we’ve had.

P: Oh! Oh, the swearing!

M: The swearing!

P & M: Laughter!

P: You people are wrong! So wrong! Really? Swearing got a lot of hits?

M: Absolutely.

P: That’s funny.

M: Can Swearing Make You Happier. I think people are trying to justify their swearing, laugh!

P: I love it. So, someone actually asked me the other day when I was talking about the podcast, and they said ‘Oh, you do a podcast?’

And I was like ‘Yeah, yeah.’

‘Which episode should I listen to first?’

And I was like ‘…I’m really not sure.’

M: Laugh.

P: If you listen to the first episode, you get really bored, laugh.

M: Mmm.

P: But if you listen to the last episode, you go ‘these guys are crazy!’

M: Probably, I’d go from last to first.

P: Well, I actually said, our episode on self-care, Self-Care is Church for Non-Believers.

M: Aww.

P: I thought that was a good starting point.

M: Yeah, yep, yep, I think so. We finally relaxed at that point.

P: I said this, I said that if you listen to the first episode, we’re going to be very formal.

M: We might need to go re-record that one.

P: Well, actually, we would love to hear from our listeners and ask, What’s your favourite episode thus far? Let us know?

M: Yes.

P: Because sitting here on the bed as we do.

M & P: Laugh.

P: Sometimes we’re not clued in as to what the formula is and what works. But if there’s an episode that you’ve really enjoyed, we would love to hear from you and here what that episode got for you.

M: Yep. All right, we’re moving on to today’s episode,

P: Which is…

M: Random Acts of Kindness.

P: Aww!

M: Now we’ve spoken about kindness before.

P: Lots.

M: Yes. So, I’m going to skim over the science, which is that kindness works, be kind, right?

P: Laugh. Do it people, do it.

M: That is the science, laugh.

P: Yep.

M: And today we wanted to just go through all of the fabulous things that you could do and put a challenge out there.

P: Oooh!

M: Now, you’re busy, I’m busy, but we’re going to pick one each and report back next week.

P: We are?

M: That is the deal, yes.

P: You’re giving me homework!

M: We’re giving everyone homework.

P: I haven’t finished my PHS [Population, Health & Society] essay yet and it’s driving me crazy! I can’t.

M: This is more homework.

P & M: Laughter.

M: And the great thing about this, just like the laughter yoga for 60 seconds or the gratitude journaling, it’s a 60 second activity.

P: Oh, alright… I’m in.

M: But you can’t bail on this.

P: [Reluctantly] I’m in.

M: So, what we’re talking about is finding a way to be kind to others.

P: Awe… It’s a Cinderella moment.

M: It’s so simple. And I’m going to quote Amelia Earhart here.

P: Oooh.

M: Who said, “A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions and the roots spring up and make new trees.”

P: That’s so true.

M: Well, just like with laughter, which we said was contagious and has been shown to be contagious. Kindness is the same thing, and couldn’t we all use just that little bit more kindness in the world?

P: It’s the pay it forward principle.

M: Yes!

P: You know, taking something and pushing it forward to someone else. When you get a gift, pass it on.

M: And not because you should, but because it will make you feel good about yourself.

P: The science says so, laugh.

M: The science says, absolutely.

P: Listen to me? What have you done to me Marie?

M: Laugh. You know, you’re not scientific if you just say ‘the science says!’

P: Laugh!

M: So you can go back and listen to some of our previous episodes if you would like the science because it does exist.

P: Laugh.

M: It’s not just us saying the ‘science says so.’

P: It’s there somewhere, I don’t know, I just blast over that stuff.

M: Laugh.

P: Marie’s the one on the science, laugh.

M: Well, it is there definitely. But today we wanted to talk about random acts of kindness specifically and give everyone some ideas and maybe give ourselves some ideas for what we’re going to do in this upcoming week.

P: Mmm, OK. So how often would you have a random act of kindness in a week?

M: I think it’s a mindset.

P: Hmm.

M: I think that no one ever was hurt by giving too much kindness to others. And I think that lives could be saved by small acts of kindness being received.

P: Do you think we’ve lost the ability to be kind to each other in the current contemporary society? Ooh, that’s a deep question.

M: I don’t think that society prioritises [kindness] enough. It’s seen as a weakness just like happiness. So Shawn Achor’s book, it’s a great book about happiness at work, shows that what we thought about success is actually the opposite. So, you don’t – there we go, The Happiness Advantage.

M: Successful people aren’t happier, happy people are more successful.

P: Mmm.

M: And I think with kindness, it’s similar and the research shows that as well. Being kind to others is seen as a weakness, but people who mentor others and care for others make better leaders and generally do better. So if you bring people along with you rather than tearing them down in the work environment or a team environment, you’ll succeed more.

P: Yeah.

M: So, I think there’s a lot of misconceptions around kindness, and we maybe need to correct some of those.

P: Misconceptions in what way? Who doesn’t want to be kind?

M: I think that you can get very jaded with this very busy life that we live, and it becomes…

P: An effort to be kind?

M: No, not a priority.

P: Interesting.

M: We’ve become quite selfish, particularly in corporates which are quite cut throat at times.

P: Yep. Well, competitiveness breeds cutthroat.

M: Exactly. And the irony is that the more competitive you are, the more kind you should be. You shouldn’t be cutting kindness off your list of things to do in a day or a week. You should be adding it deliberately and scheduling it in.

P: Mmm.

M: That is my challenge.

P: I think this scheduling it is quite difficult because it is very easy to put on your blinkers. And we had this in an episode a couple of weeks ago, we talked about the taxi driver and the woman getting in, and she was exhausted and she was just over her day and she just wanted to get home. But she chose to engage with the taxi driver. Now, is that an act of kindness?

M: Mmm… That’s not being a dick.

P: Laugh! Well okay, yeah there is that as well, it is coming down to being a dick not being a dick.

M: Yep.

P: Choosing, choosing to actually engage with people and also see people for who they are.

M: It’s stopping to say ‘how are you?’ when a cashier says ‘Hi, how are you?’

P: Yeah, well you had an episode recently when you were on a call centre and you spoke to a lady in India.

M: Yes. So, you know, again, I was on a call trying to get my banking sorted or something. And I have to say those call centres and the rigmarole you go through just to click all the numbers and get to where you want to go –

P: Yeah.

M: – and you’re on hold.

P: Definitely.

M: It sets you up to be in a bad mood, by the time you actually talk to someone.

P: You do because you’re frustrated, because you’re sitting there for 25 minutes going ‘I could be doing so much more with my time!’

M: Absolutely, and lady got on the phone and she was efficient and good at what she did. And I could hear the accent. And I said to her, I hear an accent where you from? And I could hear the hesitation in her voice actually, because I’m sure based on that one question, I could go either way.

P: Mmm, she’s scared. Yeah, exactly.

M: Right, [some] people are racist.

P: That’s a point to come back to later in the episode, I think. Is that questioning of like, ‘do I let myself be exposed here?’

M: Yep. So, she said she was in Mumbai, and I said, ‘I am just so sorry for what is happening in your country right now. I am so blessed that we’re in Australia and that we have no cases, at the moment here, and I can’t even imagine how hard that would be for you right now.’

P: Mmm.

M: And you could hear the relief in her voice just from that one acknowledgement –

P: That one comment, yeah.

M: – that other people are doing it tough and, you know I felt bad.

P: Mmm.

M: So look, I’m not trying to put myself up on a pedestal because I behave like a dick too.

P & M: Laughter!

M: Being honest. We’re all human.

P: But it’s having the presence of mind to acknowledge a human when you’re engaging with them, because I think in society in general we’ve become so used to not engaging as humans, and we lost that ability to recognise that this is a person on the other end of the line.

M: Yeah, a lot of the time, it is simply about remembering to say thank you for something meaningful to people you interact with every day. So next time you talk to your boss, next time you talk to a colleague, what can you add into that conversation that’s going to make them feel happy and put a smile on their face?

P: Mmm, yep. I agree.

M: So simple. Less than 60 seconds, Pete.

P: Laugh!

M: To be kind!

P: Laugh.

M: Help someone else to feel good about their day and to bring joy to their day.

P: Which brings joy to your life. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. It brings you back so much more than what you give out. It’s five seconds of your moment, but it brings you back so much more goodness, in terms of all the all those lovely things that we like to exhibit with neurotransmitters.

M: The first way to be kind or random act of kindness that I think most people can do is to have a look through your house for what you could recycle or up-cycle and pop it on gum tree. Or give it to Vinnies or whatever charity organisation is in your area, for free.

P: I actually have had experiences with that with gum tree. I was selling a very old set of stereo speakers that my Mother gave to me.

M: Aww.

P: Which was, you know, there is old as I am. I remember Mum getting them, they were huge.

M: Were you 21?

P: [Indistinct noises] … I’ll come back to that one.

M: Laugh.

P: But this lovely bloke came around to pick them up and he was super keen. And when you sell something on gum tree, it’s a free for all, you know, you getting these random messages from people going ‘I love you, I love your family, I just want to buy your product.’

M & P: Laugh.

P: It’s like if you could bottle that you’d be a rich person. So, this guy turned up in his little is little Suzuki 121? or whatever it was and he got these massive speakers in there. And then he said ‘oh, you know, I was wondering if you could sell them for $5 cheaper?’ And I went ‘You know what dude, have-em, take-em, I don’t care. Just take em. And he was like ‘Oh, really?’ ‘Yeah, sure. Off you go, enjoy!’ Laugh.

M: And that would have made his day.

P: Exactly, and it was the reaction of his surprise that made me feel really good and so that fuelled me for a couple of days.

M: Yep, absolutely. And that is something that nearly every person can go do whether it’s clothes that don’t fit you anymore, items in the kitchen that you just don’t use, we’ve all got them.

P: Yeah, oh yeah! A George Foreman Grill, laugh.

M: Absolutely. A really, really easy way to, just make someone’s life that little bit easier. Or if you’re going to sell it on gum tree or Facebook marketplace or whatever, give away for free and you’re really going to help someone out. That’s my number one and I can say tick for the week because we did that this morning with our old washing machine.

P: Yay.

M: But I’m going to add more on for us this week.

P: OK, I’m going to throw in here. The one for me is to give to a homeless person.

M: Yes.

P: It’s so easy to walk past someone on the street and even easier now in the day of the non-cash society that we are –

M: Yes.

P: – where everything is done by card. To actually have some cash in your wallet and to give someone not just one or two dollars but to give them $10.

M: If you can afford $10 a quarter or a month, you know.

P: Yeah.

M: Put that aside as something that you’re going to give with no strings attached.

P: Yep.

M: No expectations.

P: It’s an honest, generous giving notion and when it happens spontaneously, I reckon the happiness level that you get from that is five-fold.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s such a gorgeous gift to go ‘here, have this’ and to see the person’s reaction. It’s like giving presents at Christmas. It’s one thing to send something to someone. It’s another thing to watch them open it and watch the joy and the excitement that, for me, is really precious. And I think that when you actually do that, when you surprise someone by saying ‘I’m not going to give you a coin, I’m going to give you a note.’

M: Yep.

P: And I want you to take this and buy something nice for yourself.

M: Absolutely. We took a lady in the shop next to where she was asking for money and got her a sandwich and we asked,

‘Do you want it toasted?’

‘That would be great’, because it was a bit chilly and

‘Do you want to drink with that?’ and she was like,

‘Could I?’

P: Oh, wow.

M: And I said ‘Do you want dessert?’ Laugh, and just the look on her face. Like, if I couldn’t, couldn’t buy lunch, that would just, yeah I can’t imagine.

P: I think we can get a bit cynical about it as well in contemporary society, we think these people aren’t really poor. They’re not really homeless. They’re just pretending.

M: Or, you know, they brought it on themselves –

P: Oooh!

M: Or what have they done? They could get a job if they wanted to.

P: Yeah, yeah.

M: There’s so much judgement that can so easily creep into your heart.

P: And that’s the cynic, which is why we did this podcast.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s drop that cynicism, actually see the person for who they are.

M: You don’t even have to, you can just give the 10 bucks and walk on and feel better.

P: True. Yeah, yeah ok.

M: Laugh. If that makes you uncomfortable.

P: See, I like the being uncomfortable.

M: Yep.

P: I think if it’s uncomfortable, it’s challenging. And there’s something… Nothing great comes from being comfortable. I’ve said this a lot in the last few months, that has been a really interesting one for me. No great achievement comes from being in a comfortable space.

M: Yep.

P: You need to challenge yourself. You need to push yourself to be better and that comes in being generous and being kind. You need to push yourself a little bit out of your comfort zone. So the next time the guy comes to your windscreen, to wash your windscreen. Think about that. It’s really easy to dismiss them and go ‘I haven’t got any change in my car anymore, I’m cash-less.’

M: Mmm hmm.

P: What else could you offer? What else could you provide?

M: If strangers are not your cup of tea. There are so many other ways that you can help-out people who are closer in your circle as well, like your neighbours.

P: Oh.

M: We often, don’t speak to our neighbours. I honestly, I’m not throwing rocks because I have no idea who my neighbours are.

P: Laugh.

M: I live in apartment block, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen most of them, we just don’t cross paths ever.

P: Yeah. It’s a very dense city experience.

M: Yes, absolutely. So, things like taking their garbage bins out. Or if you’ve got elderly neighbours and you’re mowing your lawn, you know, helping them out with theirs.

P: Mmm.

M: Things like that can make a really big difference to someone.

P: I’m going to give a shout out here, so I often refer to my Mum in a very negative light sometimes.

M: It’s family, if I ever said anything bad about your Mother, you’d deck me.

P: Laugh! I rip on her a bit. So here we go, my Mum, my Mum, is difficult to love, don’t get me wrong, she’s a hard nut. But there was a lady across the road and she was impaired, physically impaired with illness and Mum used to go out, go across the road, go to the woodpile and bring the wood to the back door –

M: Aww.

P: – so that she didn’t have to go down the stairs to get to the wood. And that sparked off a friendship that sparked off a relationship. And then it turned to Mum, getting the mail, bringing her groceries. All this sort of stuff that Mum just did out of the goodness of kindness. It was like ‘she can’t do it, so I’m going to help her out.’ And when this lovely lady passed away, Mum was like ‘oh’, Mum rang me and she said, ‘I lost my mate today.’ And whenever Mum says that to me, it’s a very poignant moment because, as I said, Mum’s a bit difficult to love sometimes.

M: Giggle.

P: But there’s this lovely generosity in there and when Mum decides to support you, you get supported.

And she said ‘Oh, I lost my mate today.’

And I said, ‘Oh Mum, I’m so sorry.’

And she goes, ‘Yeah, yeah, it was really tough, she got wheeled away and that was the last time that I saw her.’

Three months later, a brand-new television arrived on Mum’s doorstep. The daughters of this lady said, ‘you looked after our Nan – sorry the Grand-daughters – you looked after Nan in her final years and this was something that we bought for her, but we never got to give to her, so we thought you might like it.’

M: Aww. A random act of kindness.

P: Yeah, a random act of kindness and every time that Mum turns on the television to watch the footy, she thinks of her mate. That’s soul fulfilling.

M: Aww, what a lovely story!

P: It’s a brilliant story. You can have that much impact on someone’s life from a random act of kindness.

M: Absolutely, and you don’t even have to go to that length, you don’t even have to give money. You can do something as simple as learning the security guard’s name.

P: Yes.

M: Hi Bob, as you walk in the door.

P: Yep, makes a huge difference.

M: Absolutely, or the receptionist or people that work in your area there are a huge list of things that you can do on a fabulous website called…

P: Random Acts of Kindness

M: dot com!

P: Laugh.

M: It’ll be tough to remember that one, I’m sure.

And they have a lovely calendar, and what I love about their calendar is that they have so many ideas, things like leaving notes for people to find with beautiful messages.

P: Oh! I remember someone doing that for me not looking anywhere but right to my side for my 37th birthday.

M: Laugh, aww. Yep.

P: I still find them, laugh.

M: Or become a blood donor.

P: Yep.

M: That’s not going to cost you anything. Plus, they have really good snacks.

P & M: Laugh.

M: And they’re normally really lovely. So, there’s so many things. They’re all on this site, and in particular they’ve got a kindness calendar so you can kind of theme it. There’s things you can do with your family or your friends, and you’ll never be short of ideas for random acts of kindness.

P: Is that the challenge to this week, Marie? Are we all supposed to go in the calendar and find one act?

M: Absolutely.

P: Is that what we’re doing?

M: I think that is the challenge. Find and do?

P: Alright. So, we’ve got to action it. All right.

M: And as I said, it could be simple and free. Praise someone publicly for their work.

P: Oh, yeah.

M: Something that they’ve done. Go check out the Random Acts of Kindness dot com website, there are some great ideas on the site. Or just look for their calendar and scroll through. There are so many good ideas and they will make you feel better as well.

P: Mmm.

M: And if you really like this idea about spreading kindness and the site is all dedicated to spreading kindness throughout the world and making the world a kinder place, if you buy into that, then schedule it in, first of every month, do something that brings kindness because, as we know, if you don’t schedule it and prioritise that, you forget it, no matter how good it makes you feel, you’ll do it once and never again.

P: Yeah, the other way of doing that is to pop it on the fridge.

M: Yep. Although, I forget things [on the fridge], like I’ve got these gorgeous things that I’ve had in my fridge, and I never remember to look at them.

P: Laugh. Well, maybe put it on your mirror in the bathroom, something to remind you that you did a good thing.

M: Yep.

P: And acknowledge yourself for it because I think that’s actually the beauty of it is when you acknowledge it yourself.

M: Yep.

P: I think that’s where the magical lies.

M: Well actually, there’s some stuff in this calendar about being kind to yourself as well.

P: Oooh, that’s another episode.

M: All right, well, on that note, we should wrap up then, so be kind.

P: Ohhhh. It’s a Cinderella moment.

M: Laugh, until next week.

P: You didn’t do your cut off.

M: What cut off?

P: You didn’t do your cut off. What was the cut off? Not ‘be happy.’

M: Have a happy week?

P: That’s it.

M: Laugh. Alright, have a happy week, guys. Bye.

P: Laugh. Bye!

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

The Key to Resilience, According to Bestselling Author Hugh Van Cuylenberg

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What’s the Key to Resilience?

Want to know the key to resilience? Last year I interviewed best-selling author of The Resilience Project, Hugh Van Cuylenberg (listen to the podcast). We talked about his journey and experiences, and the amazing work he’s doing in Melbourne and around Australia to teach kids, athletes and corporate big-wigs how to be more resilient in today’s hectic world.

Hugh also shared the key to resilience, which is the premise behind what Hugh teaches and his book – a nifty little acronym called GEM, which stands for Gratitude, Empathy and Mindfulness.

Read on to find out how Hugh teaches people around Australia how we can use the GEM this info to achieve a happier, healthier life.

Click to buy the book

The GEM Principle

“I was living in India and I was volunteering in a school community. When I got there, I thought, ‘Oh my God, there’s no way I’m going to stay here (…) because I was thinking I can’t sleep on the floor here for two weeks. I can’t walk half an hour down to the river to get water every day. I’m not going to sit in the river for a bath, like that’s just not going to happen.”

“But I remember on my first day in the school, which I planned to be my second last day in the whole community, I met a kid who was nine years old and slept on the floor like everyone else. But I remember thinking to myself, ‘I have never in my life seen joy like this before. This kid’s the happiest person I’ve ever met. I’ve never seen anything like him. How incredible. How is it this kid’s so gleefully happy?’

I was living with the principal and I remember I went back to his little mud hut, and I (…) said, “No, I think I need to stay a bit longer.” And the reason I wanted to stay longer is I was thinking ‘What do these people do every day that makes them happy, what does this kid do that makes him happy?’

It wasn’t just this kid, it’s everyone right. Everyone was just so full of joy. I remember looking out the hole in this, well it wasn’t a window. It was like a hole in the mud brick wall at this school. I’m looking across thinking ‘there’s nothing here, there’s nothing in this village. Like I mean, there’s a beautiful view of the Himalayas, and that’s about it. I don’t know what these people are so full of joy.’ So I decide to stay there as long as it would take me to work out what it is those people do every day that makes them so happy.

And I ended up staying for three and a half months, and in three and a half months I saw three things. I mean, there were many things going on. I mean, they were surrounded by awe all the time. I watched what those people did. And every day they practiced Gratitude, Empathy, and Mindfulness.

Gratitude

“I would watch these kids in particular this boy stands out. And when he saw something he was grateful for, he would just stop and point it out to me, and he would try and say the word ‘this’ but couldn’t pronounce the ‘th’ so he’d say ‘dis’.”

“As people who’ve read the book will know, he’d say “Sir, dis! Dis, dis, dis,” you know, whether it was his shoes that were too small because he can’t afford to buy new shoes. But he was pointing at them saying “How lucky am I, I’ve got shoes on my feet. Some of the kids here don’t have shoes. How lucky am I?” Whether it was the rice he got for lunch every day, he only got rice every single day. Just rice. That’s it, from the school. But he couldn’t afford to bring lunch to school. So, the fact they got provided lunch. ‘Sir, dis, dis, dis. Look I get fed here every day. How lucky am I?’”

“Moments he loved. If he realised in a good moment, you know, he’d stop, and he would just point out the things he was really grateful to have like the things that were happening. He loved Bollywood dancing, so often I would walk past him, and he was doing a ridiculous, choreographed Bollywood dance, but he’d say “Sir, dis, dis, dis.” What he was saying was, ‘I’m so lucky I’m doing this right now.’ That’s actually a really, that was quite a life changing, I won’t say moment but a realisation for me. We need to get better at paying attention to the good stuff as it happens.”

Empathy

“What I saw with this community in India is these kids were so unbelievably kind. This kid particular, if he saw saw someone by themselves [he’d go] straight over to them “just checking you’re ok. Do you want to come play with us?”

“If someone wasn’t in school, he would swing past their mud hut after school and say ‘Hey, just checking in, are you ok?’”

Mindfulness

“And mindfulness, they practised it every single day. They had a half an hour meditation before school, every single day. It was optional, so no one had to be there. Yet every single child turned up for it, and I think essentially because they just got instinctively how good it was for them.”

Some Parting Advice from Hugh…

“The most simple thing to do, I think, in order to experience more joy and positive emotion, that’s what creates resilience. So that’s why I’m bring this up. But I think that the easiest thing to do a really practical one, is just to write down three things every day that went well for you. Not three things that have been life changing, not three things you’re grateful for because that’s impossible to keep that up every day and not get bored.”

“What are three things that went well for you today? Had a nice coffee. You saw the sunrise. Had a nice text message for a friend.”

“Whatever it is. If you do that every single day, you actually physically rewire your brain to start scanning the world for the positives. And that makes you a happier person. And it’s something you look forward to. Write it in a note pad next your bed, in a journal, on the shower screen door. However you want to do it, totally up to you. But what you’ll find is you’ll start to experience more moments of joy, and you’ll be more aware of them as they happen, which is a really nice starting point for all this stuff.”

About Hugh and the Key to Resilience

Hugh van Cuylenberg has been working in education for over 15 years. The highlight of his teaching career was the year he spent in the far north of India, volunteering and living at an underprivileged school in the Himalayas. It was here that he discovered resilience in its purest form.

Inspired by this experience, he returned to Melbourne and The Resilience Project was born. Having completed his post graduate studies looking at resilience and wellbeing, Hughes developed and facilitated programs for over 900 schools around Australia for the National Rugby League, The Australian Cricket Team, The Australian Netball Team, The Australian Women’s Soccer Team, The Jillaroos, 10 AFL teams, and he has presented to over 500 corporate groups. Hugh is also the best-selling author of The Resilience Project.

You can find Hugh and get more resilience tips at www.TheResilienceProject.com.

Hugh Van Cuylenberg
Hugh Van Cuylenberg

Want to learn more about the key to resilience and the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!

The Happiness Paradox (E50)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast

In this week’s episode Marie and Pete discuss the Happiness Paradox and why so many of us struggle in the pursuit of happiness. 

Transcript

Show notes: At ~ 10 minutes Pete references a 2010 study, Motivating Goal-Directed Behavior Through Introspective Self-Talk: The Role of the Interrogative Form of Simple Future Tense, conducted at the University of Illinois, the authors of this study are: Senay, Albarracin and Noguchi.

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: And we’re back.

P: Hi… Laugh.

M: Hey, I love that we start every episode by laughing at each other, pretty much.

P&M: Laughter.

P: Well we found out very early in the episodes really, because we did the first one and it was… so bad.

M: I know, we need to go back and rerecord the first one.

P: I knew we would…

M: Laugh.

P: And then you were like ‘we need to make each other laugh somehow.’

M: We need to be less robotic, eeuggh. Live and learn. So today we’re talking about:

P: The Happiness Paradox.

M: [Singing] Ta da.

P: [Singing] Ta da. Explain what that is Marie.

M: Okay, so.

P: Strap yourselves in people.

P & M: Laughter.

P: Get comfy.

M: So, research suggests-

P: Oh! Research, laugh.

M: – research suggests a surprising, paradoxical effect.

P: Ooh.

M: A happiness paradox.

P: Mmm.

M: And it is that the more people pursue positive emotions, the less likely they are to experience positive outcomes.

P: [Singing] So true.

M: So the more you chase happiness, the less likely you are to get it.

P: The further away you are.

M: Yes, so the happiness paradox is something that a lot of people in positive psychology would know about and that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

P: Ok.

M: So let’s dig into maybe what that is and how it presents a little bit more.

P: Yeah, sure.

M: So it is saying or thinking things like, I’ll be happier when.

P: Mmm.

M: I’ll be happier when I have a red sports car.

P: Laugh …Well.

Laughter

P: I was very happy when I got my red sports car.

P & M: Laughter.

M: Or I’ll be happier when I have a better place to live in when I can get a place of my own or have a newer a car or a promotion or a better job, or more money. Or insert something you want, normally a consumerist driven, capitalist society-

P: Laugh, wow, just wow.

M: -inspired thing, rather than state of being or anything like that.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: So insert that here and the problem is that what we’re really saying when we say ‘I’ll be happier when’ what we’re really saying is that I’m not going to be happy now, but when that happens, I will be happy.

P: Mmm.

M: And so, we’re delaying our opportunities for happiness in the moment and it doesn’t give us permission to be happy now. It’s always you want to do that and then you’ll be happy.

P: Yes.

M: And lo and behold, you get a promotion or a fancy house, and you might be happy for a short amount of time, because that’s cool, right?

P: Yep.

M: But often. Well always you won’t be happy forever. Because it’s just a thing, right? So and then you set another goal and you work towards that because surely you’ll be happy then?

P: Laugh.

M: Right?

P: [Pretend yelling voice] ‘But when I get there, I’m not happy!’

M: Pretty much. So you might have a small spike [in happiness] I’m not saying that getting a promotion won’t make you happy.

P: No, no, no.

M: If you wanted it.

P: It makes you feel glad, excited, positive.

M: Yeah, definitely. But it’s not a sustained happiness.

P: It’s not a key to a long term happiness.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s a peak and a trough.

M: Yep, absolutely.

P: I love the graphic example of this is where you’ve got peaks and troughs and then you’ve got a hyperbolic curve. So the investment in exercises of long term happiness, so doing some daily meditation on doing is an act of kindness or gratitude and so forth that creates that hyperbolic curve, which is constant. So the peaks and the troughs can come within that, but that curvature of doing those long term happiness exercises helps to balance that out. So you don’t have the emotional swings, and you’ve got this underlying current that drives through at a more median level.

M: You have no idea how I’m representing that in my head right now.

P: Laugh. It’s a visual representation.

M: I think I just drew a picture of a cat.

P: [Laugh]

M: With spikey ears.

P: Ok. Laugh. I’ll try that again sometime. Moving on…

[Laughter]

M: But, I think I know where you’re going.

P: Yes.

M: Laugh.

P: So if you’re going up and down all the time, it’s hard work. If you’re constantly going up a mountain, down a mountain, up the mountain, down the mountain, it’s hard work.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Now, if you’ve got a bridge that goes between those mountain peaks, the climb is more sustained and it creates a longer, more balance effect. A measurement of happiness or exertion.

M: Nah..

P: Still not there? Ok. Alright I give up, laugh!

M: No, I see what you’re saying.

P: Laugh.

M: I guess where I’m at is I believe that sustained long term happiness keeps you above neutral.

P: Yeah.

M: You know, above… If you have happiness is on a scale of 0 to 10. You’re going to have shit, things that happen in you’re life.

P: Oh, yeah.

M: And you’re going to have good things. And they’re your spikes.

P: Yes.

M: And some of them you can avoid through your own behaviour and some of them just happen, good and bad.

P: And you’ve got to deal with them.

M: Yep. But you want to be. You want your engine revving above neutral and that’s your long term sustained.

P: I should have done the engine rev example.

M: Yes!

P: Laugh.

M: You want, you want your… So you don’t want to be sitting at zero and having peaks up to 10 and troughs down to zero, every now and then, you want to be sitting at two or three, which is a really good quality high level of… Sorry I said up to 10 didn’t I?

P: Yes.

M: So I’ve stuffed that up already.

P: Laugh!

M: If 0 is neutral then 5 is excellent and minus 5 is bad. You want to be sitting at two or three on a regular constant basis.

P: Yes, there we go.

M: And that’s your starting point for peaks that go up to five and troughs that at times might go to minus 5. But if you’re in a good mental state, are more likely to only go to zero.

P: It also makes you a bit more resilient.

M: Oh, absolutely.

P: So when those troughs do happen, you bounce back a little bit more because you’ve got the tools.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And I’m stopping clicking, sorry. I get it looked at when I click, laugh.

M: And the weird this is you probably hear this every second episode.

P: Laugh!

M: Yet I’ve listened back to our podcasts and half the time you can’t even hear the clicks.

P: See!

M: So it’s an imaginary thing that we are talking about.

P: Laugh! Anyway, getting back to the podcast.

Laughter.

P: It’s that resiliency that comes from having that base level of happiness and that base level, which you’ve  got to work hard to get.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Don’t get me wrong people. You’ve got to do the work people all the time. That allows you to bounce back from those troughs, really well and possibly or maybe a little bit quicker than someone who isn’t on that 2,3 level.

M: Yep, definitely. And that’s really the definition of resiliency it’s how quickly you bounce back. So this lays the foundation and the groundwork for bouncing back quickly when things so to shit.

P: Yes, I like it.

M: Which is my word of the day, obviously. Shit, shit, shit.

P: Laugh.

M: So what is the problem with this happiness paradox and chasing happiness? There’s kind of three things that we’re talking about here.

1. So the problem, the first one is that we’re often not good at predicting what will make us happy.

P: Yes, laugh.

M: So the car, the house, the bigger house.

P: Mmm.

M: You might get the bigger house and then spend all you Saturday mornings cleaning it.

P: [Exasperated voice] Oh Yes…

P & M: Laughter.

M: Right? Or that car just very quickly becomes yet another car.

P: Or you have to tune it up, send it to the mechanic every six months because you want it to be maintained.

M: Absolutely. Or the big house comes with a really long commute.

P: Mmm, yes.

M: So we are really bad at predicting the things that will make us happy. So that’s the first thing.

2. Secondly, we are really good at setting super high standards that we just can’t achieve.

P: Hmm.

M: And so we say ‘I want to be a general manager of my company by the time I’m 30.’ A lot of millennials –

P: Yep, yep.

M: – are saying this and realising the harsh reality that we’re looking at and going ‘no, it takes 30 years to get there. Anyway I’m not going to dis millennials…

P: Laugh. [Whispers] They’ll come for you.

M: Laugh. [Panicked voice] Ok, I take it back, I take it back.

P & M: Laughter

P: They’re all around us, laugh.

M: But we set goals like I wanna be GM by 30. And then when it doesn’t happen instead of actually being something that you can be happy about. Proud of [what you have achieved], it actually becomes a source of negative emotion.

P: Discontent, yeah.

M: Yeah.

3. And then the third thing is that when we’re focused on getting to a goal, we can often forget to enjoy the journey.

P: Absolutely, oh sooo normal.

M: Absolutely. So that’s why the happiness paradox exists and sort of what it’s made up of. And we’re all so guilty of doing this.

P: Laugh! Very much, laugh.

M: So, I’ll throw to you now Pete. What can people do to get off that… treadmill? I’ll call it a treadmill.

P: I’ll bring in some research here.

M: Ooh!

P: A 2010 study conducted by Senay, Alvarez [Albarracin] and Noguchi from the University of Illinois.

M: Are you sure you said that right?

P: No, but I went with it, and I was confident!

M: Laugh!

P: So therefore, in my brain I’m telling myself I said it right and I’m just blasting on through. Laugh!

M: We will make sure the spelling is right in our show notes.

P & M: Laughter.

P: They talk about interrogative self-talk and how we can put ourselves into a hole by the sorts of thoughts that are going through our head. And when that comes down to being goal oriented, when you don’t get the promotion or you don’t achieve that goal, it’s this negative internalisation that just goes [whispers] ‘I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough’ and it eats away at you. And that doesn’t allow you to celebrate the small victories that you might have had along the way.

M: Yes.

P: So you didn’t get the GM role. But you developed a whole heap of skills which are going to make you much more employable to another industry. And you might change industries in five years time and find that you’ve already skilled up. But you forget to celebrate those small moments.

M: Yep.

P: And having that ability to recognise things that contribute to our change and advance us further along the path and those micro celebrations are really important.

M: Mmm.

P: That’s that base level of happiness.

M: It’s what we’re saying about enjoying the journey, not waiting to be happy at the end, but enjoying the process of learning on your path to may or may not be a GM by 30.

P: Yeah. One of my favourite monks Gelong Thubten from the UK talks about a saying ‘happiness is not a destination, it is a journey.’

M: Yeah, I’ve seen that on a T-Shirt somewhere, I’m sure.

P: It’s so true. A lot of people go, ‘oh it’s all new age crap.’

M: [Laugh]

P: It’s not new age crap. It’s, it’s a fundamental truth. When you start looking into this stuff, it becomes so prevalent and just believable.

M: Yep.

P: I think we mentioned him in our first episode when we first with our whole paradigm around what is happiness?

M: Mmm hmm, yep.

P: All these sorts of thoughts came out.

M: Well talking about this, again it’s like going back to that first episode when we first started looking into all of this research and before my blog and before the accident, I had followed life’s script. I was doing what society expected of me, which was to succeed at life.

P: Yep.

M: And I look back now and I feel like I’ve come out of a fog for 30… 20 something years –

P: Laugh.

M: – of my life.

P & M: Laughter.

M: I was following the script and I was succeeding and I wasn’t happy. And I did get happiness from the successes along the way from the promotions and the good grades at school and the extracurricular activities and the marriage and all of that stuff that your meant to do.

P: Yep.

M: But they were tick boxes and there were very superficial levels of happiness that were gained from that.

P: We are tick box oriented, especially in western society.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s reinforced on us. We’re taught to be goal oriented, which is positive.

M: Right from the first day you went to school.

P: Yeah, yeah absolutely. And that’s fine but It’s not the be all and end all.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So sometimes it’s about the process of learning and understanding of what you experience along the way, and I think that that’s the change that’s going in the world at the moment. I feel with positive psychology we’re much more aware of enjoying the journey, taking part in the fun things as well as not just being ‘I’m gonna sit in my room and study for 20 years so that I get this accolade.’

M: Or be that single focused and as we’ve discussed many times before, the way to get your engine revving at a 2 or a 3 is cultivating those strong social relationships.

P: Definitely.

M: And that’s really undervalued in our society, spending time with family and friends.

P: Yep, older generations.

M: It’s the first things you cut when things get busy and to make sure you’re looking after your mental and physical well-being. And again those are the things that get cut when things get busy and three, finding meaning and purpose in your life. And a lot of people are really disillusioned with their jobs because they assume that would give them meaning and purpose.

P: Yes. Goal oriented.

M: And they don’t. Yeah exactly.

P: I’ve got the job that I have my dreams. Why am I not happy?

M: Yep.

P: You’ve got to have some fundamental beliefs in there too people.

M: Yep.

P: You’ve got to have some other things running through the river. Oh, that was a good one!

P & M: Laughter!

M: Are you peeing in the river?

P: No, I was thinking of the fishies!

P & M: Laughter!

P: Oh, I was on a good one there!

P & M: Laughter!

P: Shut down again.

M: Love it. So, really what we’re saying is you’ve got to get off the treadmill by making a decision. I have decided to become happier now.

P: This happened to me in London. I think I’ve mentioned it before, it’s the journal moment where I was journaling all my worries and my ‘I’m frustrated with this blah, blah, blah.’ And then I read it back one year and I went ‘Oh my God, I’m depressed!’

M: Laugh.

P: This is horrible! I started using journaling-  

M: Stressed or melodramatic?

P: I! …yeah.

M: Laugh.

P: Clutch my pearls ‘How dare you!’

P & M: Laughter!

P: So I made a conscious choice to start writing down positive stuff. What happened today that was good.

M: Yeah.

P: And that was the switch that flipped, and then all of a sudden, my brain was starting to notice things that were good, and I started looking for them. It’s the red car principle. You’re going to buy a red car. Then all of a sudden, all you see are red cars. It’s the same thing.

M: Absolutely. For me, as you know, it was nearly dying.

P: Yeah.

M: Nearly dying made me go ‘surely there’s more to this life.’

P: Yeah, Laugh.

M: And I stumbled across all of this research and was just baffled that no one had taught me any of this before. I’d been missing all these life lessons and by blogging and podcasting. It has become such an integral part of my life, and I’m happy.

P: Yeah, it’s good.

M: It makes such a big difference.

P: I agree, I agree.

M: So these podcasts, and I know that we’ve had people write to me and mention these podcasts are a great way for them to keep in mind weekly all of the positive psychology activities and thinking that can positively impact their weeks and their lives as well.

P: Yeah. Keeps you honest.

M: Definitely. So you’ve got to take the jump.

P: Ha ha, buy in!

M: Take the happiness jump!

P: Laugh.

M: So by being in that old paradigm that so many western societies, still! It’s western capitalist societies still push, you’re delaying your happiness.

P: Yeah.

M: And the last thing you want to do is be on your death bed and think ‘I succeeded, ticked all the boxes.’

P: ‘Is that the entire journey?’ Yeah.

M: ‘But really is that it?’

P: And it can be as simple as celebrating dinner with your family.

M: Yep.

P: It’s ‘Oh the family’s home, let’s have a dinner together. Let’s sit down and be next to each other.’ And those small activities that you do do, catching up with your mates once a week on a Sunday for a pub lunch. They’re important connections to keep going.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So, when you do get busy or you are pushing for a goal-oriented task, don’t forget the small stuff.

M: Yeah, give yourself permission to prioritise that stuff, and as we mentioned before it’s stuff that you cancel first, but it’s the stuff you need the most when you are under the pump at work, you need to make sure you make time for the gym and that you still see your friends; Because that will make you stronger and more resilient to make it through that tough time at work.

P: It takes your focus away from the thing that’s causing you grief.

M: Yep.

P: It separates your… We know the saying. ‘volleyball is its own bubble.’

M: Oh, absolutely.

P: Laugh. Have a crap day? Go and play some sport.

M: Yeah.

P: Go and do something that’s motor skill oriented. It will take your mind off your concern at the moment.

M: Particularly if you can hit things hard.

P: Laugh! Preferably not the other players.

M: We do not condone violence, laugh.

P: Hey, a good 6 pack is a good 6 pack.

M: Laugh. Ok we only condone sport endorsed violence.

P: Laugh!

M: So, another couple of things that are really good for getting off that treadmill and that ‘I’ll be happier when’ way of thinking is gratitude. So as we’ve mentioned on other shows, gratitude is about retraining your brain to notice the positive.

P: Mmm.

M: And a really simple, simple way is, to particularly if you’ve got a partner or significant other or a housemate every night just swap stories of what went well today.

P: Hmm. It’s huge, I understand as well with my husband, we do that. How was your day? Grunt. What was good about it?

M: Exactly and I love the way you say ‘what was good?’ Because if you say what are you grateful for? We run out of ideas.

P: Laugh.

M: [sarcastic tone] I’m grateful for the clean air.

P: Laugh.

M: And like it becomes really a tick box exercise, right?

P: Yeah, yes.

M: But if you say what went well? It’s easy to always find something that went well.

P: Absolutely.

M: And that’s, that’s practising gratitude. And the other one is mindfulness.

P: [Softly singing] Aaaahhhh.

M: Stopping to turn your phone off or to enjoy the moment you’re in, whether you’re standing at a bus stop, having dinner with your family or catching up with a friend or just taking some time before your workday to enjoy the sun on your face.A

P: Watering the herb garden.

M: Yep.

P: Standing in the garden, watering in the sunshine and go ‘Oh, it’s going to be a nice day.’

M: But actively, actively committing to being there in the moment.

P: Yep.

M: Definitely. All right, well, that was the happiness paradox.

P: Hope that was interesting for everyone, Laugh.

M: I’m still picturing the cat with the spikey ears.

P: Laugh! It was an image! I still like my river reference, I thought that was more, more pertinent anyway, I’ll come up with better analogies next time I promise.

M: I’m seeing people upstream peeing into the river.

P: Laugh.

M: And merging and melding into one…

P: And on that note!

P & M: Laughter.

M: Thanks for joining us.

P: Laugh!

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

So Long 2020 (E48)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week Marie and Pete say so long to 2020 – From the crappiness of the year to how positive psychology interventions changed it. 

Transcript

M: You’re listening to podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness, a Flagrant Interpretative Dance Enthusiast, a Storyteller of Movement and Hygge Loving Frozen Fan. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re ready to say F[Beep] off to 2020.

P: [Gasp] Marie, you can’t say that, [Laugh!]

M: Then this is the place to be!

P: [Laugh!] And to take us one step further on our happiness journey, today’s episode is all about the year that was 2020.

[Happy Intro Music]

P: So are we telling 2020 to Beep off?

M: Well, here’s the thing. I think it really depends on how much control you’ve had over your emotions and your happiness levels this year.

P: I think 2020 has been the year of testing.

M: Absolutely. And, oh I can’t say this without feeling this horrible feeling of umm… arrogance.

P: Oh.

M: But 2020 tested me, and I feel like a passed.

P: Well done, well done, you get a gold star.

M: I really do.

P: He, he.

M: So three years ago, I have a really bad accident overseas. I came off a motorbike and tumble down a mountain, and I nearly died, and it really kick started me on this journey of self-discovery and really questioning what was important in life. And then 2020 happened and we launched our podcast in the middle of a global Pandemic.

P: At the beginning really. Wasn’t it? It was kind of right at the start of it.

M: Absolutely. Well, we were recording from November [2019] through till March [2020] and then launched on the 20 of March.

P: Yeah, we did.

M: Which was International Happiness Day.

P: It was, yes.

M: And that was really when –

P: Everyone was in lockdown. [Laugh]

M: Shit went…

P: South. [Laugh]

M: Shit hit the fan, lets be really honest.

P: Yes, very true.

M: 2020 just went downhill from there.

P: It’s given us a bit of a kick in the pants, hasn’t it?

M: Absolutely. And so all of these positive psychology research that we’ve been doing and behavioural psychology.

P: And training, behavioural training.

M: All that stuff that we’ve been preaching this whole year, we’ve really had to put to the test in our own lives haven’t we?

P: Yes, I agree completely. We’ve had to sort of look back on it. So we’re looking back on it in this final podcast for 2020, before we go on a very short break. What have we done in 2020? How good have we been with our positive psychology? And what have we found? What have we discovered?

M: You’re a really good gardener.

P: [Laugh!] My herb garden is fabulous.

M: [Laugh!]

P: Even through the 40 degree [Celsius] (104 Fahrenheit) weekend last weekend, it still bounced back, thank goodness. [Laugh]

M: My garden died.

P: [Laugh!]

M: Withered and died. Thank you Australian summer.

P: But you have Birds?

M: Yeah, I do.

P: In your bird feeder.

M: I go buy bird food and feed them.

P: [Laughter!]

M: And they come to my garden. Yes, it is true.

P: Oh, that is so country.

[Laughter]

P: Right, so how have we gone this year?

M: Let’s score this. So I on a scale of one to ten how has your year been from a happiness level?

P: On a happiness level, I would actually have to say that, oddly enough, through doing the podcast and through looking at all the information that we’ve been disseminating and preaching and researching.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Because, as you know, one of the best ways to become a better… to put in a sports reference, the best way to become a better player is to become a coach.

M: Yes.

P: So to actually espousing and talking about happiness and telling people “well, you should do this!” You’ve got to look at your own [situation] and go ‘oh, I should do that too.’

[Laughter]

P: So I would say 2020 has actually been a very positive year for me.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: I’m getting a sense of this a lot through my clients as well. 2020 has allowed us to all go back to the drawing board and define what is truly valuable to us.

M: What’s meaningful in life.

P: Very much. It’s definitely one of those moments, I think. We’ve all been pushed to the limits a little bit with our patience, with our understanding with our compassion with our fear, our security, our understanding.

M: Our uncertainty.

P: Yeah, all that sort of stuff and in those moments, That is when you go back to your root values and your core values and go, ‘Ok, well what’s truly important to me? Is it important that I make that deadline with work? Or is it important that I talk to my husband every night and have a nice conversation and ensure a good meal?

M: And ensure a good meal? How very 1950’s of you.

P: Aaacchh.

M: [Laugh!]

P: I’m a domestic housewife waiting to happen I swear.

[Laughter]

P: Give me a millionaire and I will have your drink and your slippers ready for you when you walk in the door. I’ll have dinner and I will massage you. I’m a domestic goddess waiting to happen. I’m so good for it. [Laugh]

M: You are. But would that provide you with meaning and purpose in your life? Because that is the larger question.

P: Oddly enough, I think there is a certain… Yes, I actually could answer yes to that there would be a certain joy there would be a certain fulfilment in being that role.

M: I think that is the dichotomy of feminism. That a lot of women do enjoy looking after other people and caring for other people. Anyway, so I think that there, that is a dichotomy of feminism, that the issue that feminism has raised with so many women is that they want to be strong and independent, have choice and they want to choose to look after their husbands sometimes to look after kids and raise kids and do a good job raising Children and I think it’s taken us a while to get over that fight, to have equality in the workplace and all the rest of it.

But some people get real purpose and meaning in their lives.

P: Absolutely.

M: From looking after others and from mentoring and coaching and raising good children.

P: Well, this comes from, it comes down to mindfulness. It’s the immediacy of the response of the action. So, if my partner walks in the door, and I have prepared a beautiful meal and the table is set. There’s a glass of wine waiting for him as he walks in the door. Then I’m taking care of him. But I’m also nurturing the space, and I’m nurturing our relationship. I’m nurturing myself within that. I’m pretty proud of that. And that’s, that’s a meaning that’s a purple -purpose. Purplefulness? That’s not a word? [Laugh]

M: Purplefulness.

P: [Laugh] Purposefulness? I’m trying to I don’t know… I’m digging here.

M: That’s purposeful?

P: Yeah, I’ll go there. That’ll do.

M: I forget what we were talking about.

P: [Laugh]

M: It gives you purpose and meaning in your life.

P: Yes.

M: Look, and I think again, back to your point with the mindfulness, it is just about knowing yourself well enough to know that cooking brings you pleasure. Now, the second you’re cooking.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: Day in, day out and it becomes a chore and a job, you might need a break from that. To rediscover your joy from cooking.

P: Remove it for a while.

M: And your mindfulness and your self-awareness and self-reflection will help you to rediscover that. But very, very quickly things can become monotonous, boring.

P: Day to day, daily chores, yeah.

M: Yeah.

P: Where you just want to go and order Thai takeout.

M: [Whispers] What’s wrong with that?

P: [Laugh] Well we all have those days. So if we take that to a larger context.

M: We have a lot of those days…

P: [Laugh] But if we take that into the wider context, there are the daily activities that we, the daily grind that we have to get through.

M: Yep.

P: Part of what we talk about here on the podcast, in terms of mindfulness and all that positive psychology around being present, understanding your Ikigai, all that sort of stuff that we have referenced over the last year. If you can come to a point where that becomes special and you can identify those moments, there’s an amazing amount of joy that comes with that. So, when I’m standing in the kitchen with my kitchen knives, which I recently lost, and I will get them back [laugh], but that brings joy and being able to go ‘I’m cooking for myself, and I cooked a really give meal’ that’s a joyful experience and it makes you feel nurtured and good about yourself, and that leads to good happiness.

M: So I think the lesson for me has been that this podcast, blog and my site has really made sure that I focused on being mindful.

P: Mmm.

M: About the good things and the things that I enjoy doing.

P: Yep.

M: And that I have kept my happiness in the back of my mind all year.

P: Mmm.

M: And it has helped me to ensure that I’m prioritising and practising positive psychology activities.

P: Oh, I can’t agree more with that.

M: That have helped me to weather 2020 in a way that I feel guilty about, almost. I feel that-

P: -Because you’ve succeeded?

M: Yes, so many people have struggled in 2020.

P: Oh, yes. Yes.

M: And I feel, I feel bad that I haven’t.

P: I think the interesting thing for me is every week Marie and I try to get together and we do our little recordings. And every now and then we might not have a week where we do it and we’ll have to catch up. For me it’s the regularity of catching up with you and talking about this stuff. It filters into my daily life. It filters into my actions. So when you’re sitting there and saying “Oh, yes. Everybody go out and keep a gratitude wall.”

‘Oh hang on, where’s my gratitude wall? do I have one? I don’t really have one, maybe I should go and put one up!’

M: Yes.

P: So it makes you more aware and it brings that idea of doing the regular activities into my consciousness.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So our commitment to meeting up every week, even when you were in Tamworth and I was in Sydney.

M: And your internet was shit.

P: Oh yeah, my internet is crap.

M: I apologise to everyone for the horrible sound, it was all Pete’s fault, just so we’re clear.

P: [Laugh] [Whispers] It was Marie’s fault.

M: [Laugh]

P: But getting back to the point.

M: What were we talking about?

P: [Laugh] Commitment of the regular interaction and the regular investment of, let’s say, 50 minutes every week about us talking about happiness and all that it entails, and all the little tasks that you have to do it filters into your awareness. And that’s enough to actually create a good response and a happier existence.

M: And I think that was the whole premise of our book, right?

P: Yes.

M: So if you’re not going to church, listen to our podcast, meet up with a friend and talk about this stuff.

P: Make it regular.

M: Journal, blog, whatever it is that makes it a regular occurrence in your life. Again, I feel guilty and I feel arrogant for saying this, but I think that it is 100% the reason why I’ve weathered a global pandemic, a move to Tamworth, separation from my friends, a job change all of that stuff like it was just another day.

P: He, he. It didn’t impact you as much as maybe it would have, maybe three years ago?

M: Absolutely. Before the accident, I was living in the rat race. I was succeeding by all external measures.

P: All the external measures of what you were measuring success by.

M: But I was definitely not living my best life.

P: Mmm.

M: Success and happiness are two very different things.

P: Very much. And I also want a reference one of the emails that we received from a listener who wrote into us saying she was completely effusive in her praise, which is always so lovely to hear. But the most warming thing was that she said that she wanted to do something similar.

M: Yes.

P: So she was going to commit to her own podcast or her own publishing of information around happiness. And that, I think is possibly one of the biggest wins you get.

M: Yes, that is why we’re here!

P: Yes and it makes a difference when you reach one person. And it’s the pass on effect, that one person goes out and then passes it on to 100 other people.

M: Yep.

P: So that filtering through creates a web, it creates an interconnectedness in exactly the same way that Covid reacts!

M: Oh! It’s viral, viral!

P: Viral! But we could do the same thing with happiness.

M: [Laugh]

P: We can actually create those good feelings, one person goes out and reaches 10 other people and those 10 other people go out and reach another 10 people, which becomes 100. And I really do believe that happiness works in that way. And all the good things that we’ve talked about in terms of being generous and gratitude and understanding and passion. I think it really infiltrates into other people in your lives. Not just yourself.

M: I think so too. I’ve brought my sister along on this journey.

P: Oh, the gorgeous Lealea. She has, her love language is touch, I love it.

M: [Laugh]

P: “I just need to hug you because my love language is touch too! Yay!”

M: [Laugh] It’s so funny because the amount people who have come up to me and they’re like, “I need to meet Pete, my love language is touch too.”

P: [Laugh!]

M: But love language has been a really popular episode.

P: Oh, really?

M: Yeah.

P: [Laugh] Considering I didn’t really know what love languages were before we did it.

[Laughter]

P: And that, in itself is a good one. It’s one of the benefits for me from doing this podcast. I’ve learned a lot of the terminology and the science behind stuff, and I’ve actually-

M: -You sound quite proud.

P: Yes. Oh stop it, I know you’re going to get proud about this.

M: I’m an ex-journo, I’m like ‘where’s that quote?’

P: [Laugh]

M: ‘Give me the quote and the proof.’ See, I went into journalism with this ideology that it was this beautiful profession, where you serve the people and you report the truth.

P: [Laugh]

M: And then I came out to the real world and there’s things like the daily Mail.

P: Channel Nine.

M: Breitbart.

P: [Laugh]

M: Let’s be really honest, all of the craziness that’s going on in the world and I had believed in unbiased journalism.

P: [Laugh]

M: And so, when we came to this podcast, it was about ‘show me the proof? Show me that this stuff is real?’

P: Yep.

M: And not only have I found so much research in this area. But, my own personal experience just tells me that this stuff is real. It is, it is my church.

P: Mmm.

M: It has become my faith and something that I believe so wholeheartedly in. And I don’t want to come across to others as someone who is preaching or someone who is arrogant in their beliefs and believes that everyone else should [believe them].

P: Yeah.

M: But I’m so torn. Because it has had such a positive impact in my life and influence in my life, on my marriage, on my friends on my family that I just wish I could bring everyone along with me. I feel like I am that cult leader –

P: [Laugh]

M: – about to tell everyone to drink the Kool-Aid.

P: [Laugh]

M: I feel crazy, but it has had that strong an impact on my life and I just want to share that with others.

P: When you’re getting the positive reinforcement from something naturally you do want to share it and you get passionate about it and you want to take people on the same journey. And I will share a personal story here of my adopted grandma, my adopted Nan, Nan McSweeney. She was 102 to when she died. She was the last living person to have met Mother Mary MacKillop. So when the beatification of Mother Mary MacKillop was happening, she was interviewed.

M: And for our non-Australian listeners, who is Mother Mary MacKillop?

P: Mother Mary MacKillop was an Australian nun who was working in Melbourne primarily, but also worked around the coastal regions of the East Coast. She was beatified in 1998?

M: 99?

[Mother Mary MacKillop was beatified in 1995]

P: She was made a saint. She is the Australian saint and that was done by the Catholic Church and my adopted Nan, Nan McSweeney, she was interviewed for that beatification and involved in that process of giving the evidence towards her being declared a Saint at the Church.

M: Sainthood.

P: Yeah. The point of the storey is that Nan was always so secure in her faith and she would stand there and wave you off with a handkerchief when you left for the evening and all these lovely old world qualities.

M: My Nana still does that.

P: It’s such a beautiful thing.

M: She’ll stand in the drive way and wave ‘til she can’t see you anymore.

P: Yeah. It’s like watching the plane take off. My dad would never leave when they would board he would watch the plane go.

M: We’re so fickle, aren’t we?

P: [Laugh]

M: Gen X, Y, Millenials.

P: [Laugh]

M: Well, anyway. So continue.

P: Well… The idea is that faith and believing in something, it means that you want to share it now. Now Nan never pushed her beliefs upon me, but I always felt included. So when she would come up and give me the blessing of the cross in holy water on my forehead, it was never religious. It was just Nan being who she was and it was an expression of love for her. And I, I think that with all this stuff that we do the happiness podcast and we are very exuberant about people coming on this journey with us. It is, ‘I’ve got this great deal you’ve got to buy in come on, come on, come on.’ It’s the carny thing!

[Laughter]

P: It’s getting into my ancestral roots. My father was a carny.

M: Sorry, I have to share.

P: [Laugh]

M: Pete is a descendant of carny’s.

P: My whole family. [Laugh]

M: I don’t know how I missed this? My entire life! I feel like there’s this major revelation that has just come forth.

P: [Laughter]

M: Alright, so 2020. Let’s circle all the way back, you can bring yourself back.

P: ‘Come back, come back.’ [Laugh]

M: Is it that.. oh I’ve got Titanic flashbacks going on right now. Anyway, [whispers] “Don’t go Jack.”

P: [Laugh] [whispers] “Don’t leave me.”

M: So we are almost at time and I started this episode by asking you on a scale of 1 to 10. What do you think your happiness levels of been in 2020?

P: I would say that… My instant reaction is like 8, 9,10. That’s my instant reaction of 2020 which again, I’m with you, I feel guilty for saying that. 2020 has been a challenge but I’ve done really well, I’m coming out of it going ‘Yay, I’ve managed it.’

M: Pick a number?

P: I’m going to go with nine. Yeah, going with nine. And that’s a great thing. And I think that it is because when shit happens, you can express it and you could be cranky. And you can throw screwdrivers down the hallway whilst your face down in a puddle of water because your washing machine has stuffed up!

M: You’ve got real issues with washing machines…

P: I have issues with technology.

M: Again, another time.

P: Yeah, yeah. But on the flip side of that, you can turn it around instantly and go right ‘what’s important going bang, bang, bang, bang.’ I’m clicking again, I do that when I’m excited.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And because of the work that we do here and because of the items and the factors that we highlight. It comes back to mindfulness, it comes back to passion, it comes back to what is relative. This has been an education.

M: Yep. So we are over time, yet again.

P: [Laugh] We always do.

M: We say this every time.

P: [Laugh]

M: I would say from 1 to 10, my happiness levels have been a ten this year.

P: Wow! Straight 10. Well done.

M: Yep, I’ve never had such a fulfilling, satisfying, happy year.

P: I think I’m going to cry.

M: Aww.

As I have this year. And it was in the middle of a global pandemic and a whole lot of change and turmoil, uncertainty, volatility. All of that’s been going on and I have been able to cope and to feel the negative impacts of that and to resolve myself to move forward with all of that and do it with a level of, dare I say, grace that I never had before-

P: Interesting.

M: – and I can only credit that to all the conversations we’ve had, the research I’ve been doing in the blogging, all of that which, blogging is pretty much in other way saying journaling.

P: It is, definitely and it’s a commitment.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s hard to go sometimes.

M: Every single week.

P: It’s really hard to sit down and write another Blog every week.

M: Yep.

P: But when do it. You come up with this good stuff.

M: Absolutely and it’s the self-reflection and it has it has changed my life.

P: And that is the best advertisement that we could possibly finish this on. This stuff is real people, buy in!

[Laughter]

P: It’s so good!

M: For everyone out there, I wish you a joyous and happy holidays and New Year. And I have to say if 2020 has been bad year for you. It can only go up from here.

P: It can, and we’ll go up together.

M: Absolutely.

P: [Laugh]

M: Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukkah (if we haven’t missed it) and have a happy New Year to everyone.

P: Absolutely.

M: And we’ll see you in 2021.

P: Thank you all for coming on this lovely journey with us, we really appreciate it.

M: All right. Well, thank you for joining us specifically today. If you do want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast. And remember, you can find us at www.marieskelton.com.

P: And Please let us know if we are fabulous, because we are-

M: [Laugh]

P: – by leaving us a review.

M: Yes we would be grateful to know that more than my sister listens to this podcast.

P: [Laugh] Until next time.

M: Choose happiness.

[Happy Exit Music]

P: Yay!

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article The Change Storm, listen to our Podcast Self-Care is Church for Non-Believers Pt 2 (E38)

10 Random Act Of Kindness Ideas for the Holidays

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Random act of kindness ideas

10 simple random act of kindness ideas to bring some extra joy to the world

There’s no doubt about it – 2020 has been hard. 

With COVID-19 lockdowns, travel restrictions, and bans, it seems like the fun was sucked out of the world in an instant. In some cities, it’s even hard to travel across town to grab a coffee with friends!

I think we can all agree we need to spread a little love right now (instead of the virus). So, I’ve collected some of my favourite random act of kindness ideas, so this holiday season you can bring happiness to the people in your life – while giving yourself a little mental health booster, too.

Read on!

Idea #1: Give someone an unexpected compliment

“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  — Mark Twain

I couldn’t have said it better myself. The benefits of giving a compliment go both ways – giving and receiving! The National Institute for Physiological Sciences says receiving a compliment can produce the same effect in your brain as receiving money.

Think overwhelming happiness, gratitude, excitement, and unconditional love!

It’s good for the soul and builds trust and confidence in the receiver. It’s a win-win situation – so next time a positive thought comes to mind about a friend, coworker, family member, or even a stranger on the street, reach out and let them know!

Idea #2: Let someone cut in front of you in line

We can all be a little selfish sometimes. Whether we’re sitting in traffic or waiting in line at the shops, we can be quick to lose our tempers and put ourselves first, no questions asked.

Sometimes, a random act of kindness can be as simple as letting someone cut in front of you in line at the movies, the shops, the bar – anywhere.

The receiver will feel a sudden sense of gratitude – who knows, you might even make their day, or help them get where they’re going much faster. Meanwhile, you can enjoy the endorphins that come from a simple act of kindness (a natural pain killer – goodbye, headaches.)

Idea #3: Pay for someone else’s lunch or coffee

In the same vein as idea #2, footing the bill for a friend, family member, coworker, or even a stranger’s lunch can be incredibly rewarding. 

You never know what someone else is going through. The stranger waiting in line behind you might only be able to afford a bran muffin, or a coffee… no milk, no sugar. If you’re feeling generous, consider footing the bill for the person behind you.

You might make their day, or even trigger a “pay it forward” chain reaction and leave a trail of kindness behind you.

Idea #4: Sit down and have a chat with someone experiencing homelessness 

According to recent statistics, 50 out of every 10,000 Australians are sleeping rough on the streets. The last time a global homelessness survey was attempted by the United Nations, around 100 million people were homeless worldwide. 

As many as 1.6 billion people lacked adequate housing. This was 2005 – there’s no knowing the true numbers now. 

We all get caught up in our own lives. We also get distracted by the hustle and bustle of everyday life, running to-and-fro to get things done. Sometimes, unfortunately, this can make us forget or avoid people experiencing homelessness in the streets.

“I don’t think people do it on purpose – it could be that they don’t know what to say; it could be that we are desensitised,” Major Bruce Harmer of Sydney’s Salvation Army said.

“People who find themselves on the street need our love, our care and attention. I’ve heard people say, ‘If it wasn’t for that person saying good morning to me today, it was going to be my last day’.”

A small act of kindness can be as simple as getting down on their level, saying hello, and having a decent conversation with them. Standing over someone sleeping rough can be condescending, even daunting – sit down and open up a dialogue with this person.

It could make their day – and before asking if they’d like some food, make sure it’s what they want, or what they’re comfortable with. They may not react well to charity.

Idea #5: Pay for a parking ticket and leave it in the machine for the next person

Paying for parking can be such a chore – especially in big cities where the parking prices are sky high. If you’re looking for a fun and simple random act of kindness idea, pay for a parking ticket and leave it in the machine for the next person.

An all day ticket is even better. The receiver will be stoked to have free parking, even for a day. It could be $10, $20, even $30 saved for more exciting things.

Idea #6: Donate gifts to a local charity for kids in need 

Your local charity is always looking for donations – clothes, homewares, shoes, and of course, gifts for the holiday season. The great part about this activity is that decluttering is good for the soul too!

Alternatively, you could reach into your pockets this holiday season and fill up a “Santa Sack” with lots of toys, fun activities, and “one size fits all” clothing items for kids, like fun hats and costumes. You’ll bring joy to children. 

You don’t have to spend a fortune on gifts, either. Just look for fun, cost effective toys for kids – even classics like a barrel of monkeys, or a board game like “Guess Who” or Scrabble. Alternatively, dig through your belongings and look for fun toys and activities you don’t need anymore.

Idea #7: Show your gratitude to a teacher or role model by giving them a gift

Gratitude has a number of social and health benefits. Robert Emmonds, a renowned gratitude researcher, has conducted multiple studies on the topic of gratitude and found grateful people are happier and have reduced levels of depression. 

Plus, gratitude can improve your sleep, reduce the number of doctor’s appointments and illnesses, and reduce your aggression levels, making you an easier person to befriend and be around. 

If you’re looking for ways to express your gratitude, consider making or purchasing a gift for a friend, teacher, tutor, or role model. You will feel accomplished and kind, while sharing the good feelings with the receiver of your gift. 

Gift away – and watch the health benefits roll in.

For more on practicing gratitude, read: Practicing Gratitude: Why and How You Should do it

Idea #8: Offer to help the elderly to carry their groceries 

Volunteering to help someone in need can be extremely rewarding. In fact, volunteering time and helping others has been scientifically proven to increase your own wellbeing, as well as the person you’re helping. It can help combat depression, increase confidence, and create a stronger sense of self and purpose!

You don’t have to volunteer heaps of time to experience the benefits of volunteering, though. It can be as simple as helping an older member of the community to carry their groceries to their car, or help them onto the bus. 

It takes two seconds to lend a hand. Next time you see an elderly person struggling with their shopping bags, consider asking them if they need assistance. You’d be surprised how easily you can make another person’s day.

Idea #9: Reach out to friends and family members who seem a little down

Depression doesn’t discriminate. Men and women, teens and children, rich and the poor – depression and mental illness can impact anyone in our community. 

Unfortunately, it’s also very common for people to hide their depression and put on a brave face – this is called “concealed depression”, but the symptoms are there – a lack of sleep or appetite, no interest in hobbies or activities, and going out of their way to convince everyone they’re “feeling fine”. 

“Concealed depression is sometimes called ‘smiling depression’ because the sufferer seems fine,” Sally Winston, PsyD, a member of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, said. 

“They go about their lives fulfilling their responsibilities, interacting apparently normally, and do not complain or share with others how they are feeling. They may be so used to being silently depressed that it is just experienced as ‘this is just the way I am; I am just a loser’ or ‘this is the way life is’ rather than ‘I am depressed.'”

If you have a feeling one of your friends or family members might be struggling, a simple act of kindness could be to reach out and offer to take them out for a coffee or a walk in the park for some fresh air. Give them the chance to share their thoughts and feelings, and encourage them to get the help they need to recover.

Be someone’s rock for a day, and make sure to follow up on their feelings and progress as time goes on.

Idea #10: Donate time, flowers & nick-knacks to a nursing home

This might be less of a random act of kindness idea, but a simple and rewarding activity nonetheless. According to a study by the Corporation for National and Community Service, Americans over the age of 60 who volunteer have higher levels of well-being compared to those who did not volunteer. 

Nursing homes are always looking for volunteers to spend time with the residents. Consider volunteering at your local nursing home – host bingo and art lessons, baking sessions, or set up an in-home cinema. Alternatively, donate a stack of flowers and bouquets to bring nature to the resident’s rooms, or surprise them with gifts.

These little acts of kindness can help reduce age-related depression and loneliness, while you bridge the gap between generations, learn new things, and improve your own mental health.

Have you tried any of my random act of kindness ideas? Let me know in the comments – or sign up to my email newsletter for new ideas!