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7 Simple Steps to Happiness

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7 Simple Steps to Happiness

7 Simple Steps to Happiness Right Now 

This past year has weighed heavily on all of us. The world was disrupted in unimaginable ways, and we’re still reeling from the impacts. After months of constant stress and anxiety, many of us are just trying to get back on track. One of the things we’ve learned through the pandemic is that we cannot afford to attach happiness to things or circumstances.  

Your happiness is in your hands, and you can influence it with the small things that you do on a daily basis. Sample these ideas that will uplift your mood and improve your day.  

1. Connect With Family and Friends  

In today’s connected world, many people spend time with people without truly paying attention to them. If we’re not busy working, then we’re engrossed in our gadgets and screens. In the internet era it is all too easy to be online paying attention to someone miles away, whom you’ll never get to meet, while ignoring the very person next to you.  

Unfortunately, while watching TV, listening to music and playing games online can be good sources of relaxation and short-term satisfaction and happiness, we often spend too much time in front of screens, to the detriment of spending time doing things that are more likely to bring us long-term happiness and joy. 

The simple answer is to make an effort to put away your gadgets ever now and then and hold conversations that count. Find out how the people around you are doing. Listen to their experiences, thoughts, ideas, and opinions. The same goes for your colleagues and friends. Call them and have meaningful conversations. Forming deeper relationships with those around you will instantly make you happier. 

One of the best things you can do to build relationships: organise a group trip! Not only can everyone participate in planning, they will also have something to look forward to, and then there’s of course the trip itself which everyone will get to share and build new memories from. 

2. Perform Acts of Kindness  

At a time when so many people are struggling with job losses or reduced hours, or the stress of the pandemic, a great way to bring some joy into your life and someone else’s is to perform an act of kindness.  

  • Do you have people around you who are in isolation? Offer to pick up their groceries.  
  • Do you know of a family with someone who is sick? Drop them a hot meal or send a care package. 
  • Do you know someone who lost their job? Visit them with some basic supplies.  

Check on people. Hear them out. Comfort them. Donate to the community center. Just chip in where you can. Taking attention away from yourself and focusing on someone in need has been shown to leave you happier and more fulfilled.   

3. Do Something Brave  

Identify something that makes you nervous and tackle it. It does not have to be an enormous task. Have you been postponing a difficult conversation? Make that call and talk it over. Have you been meaning to apologise to someone? You may as well do it now. Maybe you can send that job application even when you feel underqualified, or unsure about moving on.  

After the initial anxious moments you’ll feel a joyful feeling of triumph, just like when you get on a rollercoaster or watch a scary movie. The small wins associated with overcoming your fears will also build your confidence and you’ll soon be attempting more challenging tasks.  

4. Start Your Day Positively  

Spend the very first moments of your day intentionally. Most of us reach for the phone even before we get out of bed, allowing whatever content we come across to set the tone of our day. Intentionality allows you to choose exactly what you want to expose your heart and mind to before anything else.  

Remember, how you spend your first moment of the morning has a significant effect of the rest of the day. Try spending 30 minutes listening to an inspirational podcast, reading, praying, meditating, exercising, journaling or anything else that will fill you with positive energy, and watch the rest of your day follow the same trajectory.  

5. Organise Your Space  

A well-arranged space instantly uplifts your moods and makes you more productive. Whereas a messy house is interpreted by our brains as a laundry list of to-do items –adding stress to our days. 

Start with your bed, which you can make immediately after getting up. It sounds like a small detail, but the sight of a well-made bed can instantly make you feel more organised and ready for the day ahead. It also reduces the tendency to slip back under the covers for a ‘few more minutes’ which just ends up throwing your day into disarray.  Similarly, every evening before bed, take a few minutes to arrange the house. If you have kids, it takes much more effort to remain neat, but it’s worth it to wake to a tidy space in the morning. Even the best mood will be dented when you’re tripping over toys and sitting on food spills. Once a week, arrange your working space as well. Get rid of what you don’t need. Decluttering makes maintaining order much easier. Just the sight of a well-organized room will help you release that stress and leave you feeling happier.  

6. Work on Acceptance and Moving Forward 

Many people are still in denial over the magnitude of loss that the pandemic has caused. If your life was disrupted immensely, you probably still have moments when you ask yourself, ‘did this really happen?’ Unfortunately, it did, and now the question is: what’s next? Grief is a natural and normal and needed reaction to loss of any kind. However, eventually we all need to find a way to move forward, and the way to do that is through acceptance.  

Accept the new circumstances of your life. Your job, income, age, weight, and all. You may not be where you’d have wished, but you’re here. Work to introduce a gratitude practice every day to rediscover what you have to be grateful for, and work to accept your current situation, and finally, set some new goals for the future to give you something to work toward and plan for.  

Remember, if you are truly struggling with how to move forward after a significant loss, please speak to a professional. Sometimes we all need a bit more help. 

7. Connect With Nature  

One of the easiest ways to bring instant happiness to your life is to step out and enjoy nature. If it’s sunny, even better. Feel the sunshine warm your skin. Soak in Vitamin D. Indulge in whatever elements of nature are around you.  

And it doesn’t have to be a 10-hour hike through rugged terrain. It could be as simple as bird watching in your backyard. Fix a bird feeder to a tree or on a pole (somewhere off the ground to avoid predators). Or you can drive to the local park, nature trail, forest, beach, and simply sit and watch. Why not try walking barefoot or just touch the trees. That simple emotional or physical contact with nature siphons away your stress and leaves you more relaxed.  

You don’t have to go for a vacation to feel happier. Neither do you have to spend loads of money. The above practices are well within reach and you can carry them out any day. Your happiness is mostly within your control and is you responsibility; gift it to yourself in abundance. 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources! 

Try a Little Playfulness if Your Family’s Pandemic Routine Needs a Reset

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Heather McLaughlin, Concordia University and Bonnie Harnden, Concordia University

Many of us were hopeful that 2021 would be the start of a new beginning. However, with lockdowns and grim warnings about new strains of COVID-19, society was quickly reminded that the marathon is far from over.

As creative arts therapists working in the pandemic, we commonly hear how deeply disconnection and loneliness are affecting people. To sustain ourselves through the months ahead, we believe people need to intentionally work to find creative ways to connect more, no matter what the distance is.

We invite you to think of how to tend to your own connection needs while also thinking about those in your community. All of us will need tremendous energy for the emotional work ahead.

For those who have lost loved ones during the pandemic, there is profound grief, compounded by losses and disappointments of missed funerals or death rituals. Many are dealing with grief for missed milestones and family and community celebrations, lost opportunities, missing financial, employment or personal supports and community and personal connections. There’s also the everyday loss of grounding routines and relationships, and ongoing fear. We will all need energy for so much recovery.

Our hope is to inspire you to intentionally bring a little playfulness and creativity to help light up your connections and perhaps find ways they can be more sustaining. In turn, these tiny adjustments of intention may help preserve health.

Centering Intentions, Values

Start by clarifying what constitutes your intentions or values.

For example, just because you have a weekly call with friends or family on the calendar, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will fulfil the need for connection. Psychologist Stephen Hayes proposes clarifying your values so they can inform the actions you commit to. Setting an intention to feel connected, and grounded in personal values, may be more successful.

If the goal is to connect, but calls are leaving you cold, perhaps it’s time to switch from a video conference or a distanced walk.

As many of us have may have “Zoom fatigue,” web conferences can be transformed into a game night or a crafting party.

A playful off-screen option is a scavenger hunt. These might help with cross-generational connections or with those who have less to talk about.

Antidote to Failed Connection: Playfulness

As therapists, we witness many moments of failed connection: values collide, people’s abilities and limitations are not considered. Old hurts get activated, moments to repair are missed and bids for connection flop.

During stressful relationship moments, it’s easy to quickly climb the nervous system ladder, jumping from a state of relative calm into fight, flight or freeze, and interact with each other badly. Neuropsychiatrist Daniel Siegel calls this “flipping our lids,” and his Wheel of Awareness meditation tool can help with this.

Instead of “flipping our lids,” we can use playfulness.

One day when Bonnie’s son was three, she to had to rush him to daycare. After packing him into his jacket and adjusting the car seat, she reached back to pick him up and found him in that limp posture of protest small children take when they don’t want to do something.

Rather than just stuffing him into the car, she relied on a helpful parenting approach of empathizing with him first: “You were happy playing with your toys. You’re sad we have to go.” Then, as she was newly training as a play therapist and learning about how parents can connect with their children’s feelings and help coach their children through difficult emotions, she had an idea: her son was obsessed with giant machines so she decided to become a backhoe loader. Her arms became shovels and she loaded him into the car while he laughed with joy.

Grumpy Pandemic Walks

Moments of playful connection like this can invite feelings of gratitude, which in turn have so many positive benefits in relationships. It can really take an extra effort to find a playful impulse, as the fear and constrictions are wearing.

Heather had found her necessary daily walks becoming a chore, as she lives in a densely populated neighbourhood where distancing is a sport. After noticing she and her son were getting grumpy on these walks, she set an intention to tune their attention to the little bits of neighbourhood beauty and magic: a tiny painted mouse door, little free libraries and a giant snow dragon!

In many ways, people’s social capital is being depleted as collective fatigue of the pandemic wears on many people’s moods and social graces. At the same time, these little artifacts are examples of ways people creatively show generosity and ways of connecting.

It’s not all About Self-care

While we recommend ways to bring playfulness, humour, fondness, flexibility and creativity into the mix, we also acknowledge that accessing these may be hard. Some self-compassion and self-care may be needed first.

Reflecting on values and intention may help you consider what you need for self-care. Finding resources like guided meditations and creative activities can help.

We recognize the notion of self-care can require resources that aren’t distributed equally in society or can obscure the social or political roots of marginalization that can impact well-being. Self-care has also been commercialized into a massive industry that can perpetuate feelings of not being or having enough.

And marginalized groups have been hardest hit by the mental health impacts of the pandemic.

The word compassion, on the other hand, has a root meaning “to suffer together.” Is it possible to allow both the helpful and limited aspects of notions of self-care, and a sense of compassion or empathy for suffering, to shape responses? All of us might resolve to make extra efforts to invite, connect and to offer patience and forgiveness for imperfect moments.

We are all going to need some extra kindness on this road ahead, so hopefully a little fun can help smooth the path!

Heather McLaughlin, Lecturer, Creative Arts Therapies Department, Concordia University and Bonnie Harnden, Professor, Creative Arts Therapies Department, Concordia University

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

The Conversation

Check out our related podcast: Why you Need to Play More (E39)

Fighting the Loneliness Epidemic (E41)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete discuss the global rise in loneliness levels, what is contributing to the increase and what we can all do to build stronger relationships.

Site discussed during the podcast: Examining Emotional Literacy Development Using a Brief On-Line Positive Psychology Intervention with Primary School Children  Jacqueline Francis *, Tan-Chyuan Chin and Dianne Vella-Brodrick Centre for Positive Psychology, University of Melbourne, Parkville, VIC 3010, Australia; tanchyuan.chin@unimelb.edu.au (T.-C.C.); dianne.Vella-Brodrick@unimelb.edu.au (D.V.-B.) * Correspondence: jacqui.francis@unimelb.edu.au Received: 14 September 2020; Accepted: 15 October 2020; Published: 19 October 2020 

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness, a pop up cycle user, smartphone and techno abuser and generic loose cannon on a Sunday boozer. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low.

P: Or if you’re only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it.

M: Or maybe you just want more.

P: Then this is the place to be!

M: And to take us one step further on our happiness journey, today’s episode is all about the loneliness epidemic.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: What is does Eeyore say?

P: I’m depressed?

M: Woe is me.

P: Oh well, oh well.

M: [Laugh]

P: I’ll just take another walk.

M: Someone like that. I feel like that’s what sums up my idea what our episode today should be about. [Laugh]

P: All right, let’s go with that. So we’re doing, we’re doing a Winnie the Pooh thing?

M: [Laugh]

P: Okay, so Marie the loneliness epidemic, is it all about Eeyore?

M: I think that’s a result of being lonely. And it is an epidemic, isn’t it, Pete?

P: Yes. Now I’ve got to admit, when I first heard about this, I was the cynical one my cynical hat went on. I was like ‘what, people aren’t lonely, how can they be lonely? Everything’s grand, everything’s wonderful and all this stuff about teenagers being lonely, oh pish posh, pish posh. But, turns out I was wrong.

M: Ha, ha. You’re wrong.

[Laughter]

P: No, There’s definitely a loneliness epidemic, definitely something that is becoming more important. And I think one of the one of the big indicators for me from the research that I did was that loneliness is actually a higher indicator of mortality than obesity and smoking right now.

M: What?

P: Yeah, according.

M: For real?

P: Yeah, according to a study done by the Australian Psychology Society in collaboration with Swinburne University in Victoria, the loneliness epidemic is becoming a bigger indicator of mortality than obesity and smoking in Australia as of 2018.

M: Wow. Well, I knew it was a problem. It’s really been, it’s been a hot topic. So burnout was big, loneliness just before that. This is a global problem, like many of the things that we talk about that crosses all demographics. There are some differences, though, right Pete?

P: Yeah, I’m finding with some of the studies that you’ve mentioned, Marie. I’ve got a couple of different figures and statistics down in here, and I do think, but I think the overall message is the same is that this’s a big indicator of what’s going on not only affects our mortality it affects our health, it affects our physical being as well as our mental well-being and the way that we live and the way that we interact. So this is all pre-pandemic Covid. Pandemic Covid has actually; I don’t know why I’m saying pandemic Covid, it should actually be Covid pandemic but anyway, we’re going reverse today.

[Laughter]

P: Pandemic Covid has changed the ball game a lot on brought this perhaps a little bit more to the floor. But we’re talking 2018 and 2017 and ‘15 in the UK they’ve been clocking the fact that loneliness isn’t big social problem and it’s causing a lot problems in terms of our health and the way that we work and who we are.

M: Yeah, and so the stereotype that it’s only in quotes “old people” is, is really false. It’s not just the elderly who are lonely. In fact, young Australians are reporting such a huge uptick in their loneliness, and it’s not necessarily that they don’t have people around them and that they don’t have family and they don’t have friends-

P: Yes.

M: -at school. It might just be that they’re not getting what they need or their relationships they have aren’t meeting their needs, and that could be because they’re too superficial, which is a another whole episode as well. But we have a lot of Facebook friends nowadays and social media friends that are very superficial, and you can feel that you’re connecting and you’re just not, right?

P: Yes.

M: And what that does is that it leaves a lot of people feeling unsupported and disconnected, and they feel lonely, even though they might have a lot of people around them. So I think that in particular really applies to the younger generations vs the older generations, who we’ve known for quite a while have a higher incidence of mobility issues and at times lose their licences and their ability to get out and into society and have those strong relationships.

P: I do agree, to a certain point. There’s some interesting stats in the study that I found though that are saying that in Australia in 2018 the over 65 were dealing really well. The two brackets that Swinburne University in the Australian Psychological Society clocked as the most lonely are the 18 to 26 year old’s and the 56 to 64 year old’s. The 65 year old’s and up are doing really well. [Laugh]

M: Well, they were until Covid, Yes.

P: Ah well that might be the changing.

M: Yeah, yeah. And then everything has just gotten really bad, social isolation says it all right? and social distancing. And I know there’s been a lot of discussion about terminology and being really clear that social distancing doesn’t mean not having relationships and connection. But the long and the short of the isolation is that we’re having to rely on technology to have relationships a lot more often, and that’s just nowhere near as good as face to face communication for a sense of connection.

P: And we’re not as good at it. Yeah, we’re not as good at it, apparently. So some of the things that have come out in terms of dealing with loneliness from some of the studies that I’ve done are talking about the way that we use social skills and this will apply definitely 18 to 25 year old age bracket is that we’re not developing our social skills sufficiently in our teenage years to take us through to that next stage where we get off the devices we get off the zoom calls on, and we actually interact on a one on one or a group basis on. And I think that that is where went falling short slightly for our young people and we’re not giving them the social skills to deal with going out there and making those true friendships that you talked about earlier Marie.

M: And it’s also about having a level of emotional maturity and understanding and an ability to reflect and to have tough conversations with people and to be uncomfortable.

P: Yeah.

M: And there’s a whole lot in there. And there’s research that came out today actually, in Victoria, I have to go find the study, and I’ll post it in our show notes. But they have done some research with some schools and Victoria to help kids with positive psychology interventions. And it was all focused around giving them the language to talk about their emotions and their well-being.

P: Aah, interesting.

M: And they’ve found that being able to vocalise what’s going on really helps people to- sorry – helps kids, to have better mental health outcomes. So it’s impacting their relationships, their connection with others. So I will put that in the show notes. But I think that if you’re spending all your time on social media in your teens, back to your point, in your, your younger years and you’re connecting with a device rather than a person, you can quite easily miss the lessons that we used to learn in the playground.

P: Very true, very true.

M: You know, if you don’t keep Sally’s secret, then you’ll be ostracised from the group for sharing, you know?

P: [Laugh]

M: That kind of thing, so you learned to keep secrets.

P: Good old Sally.

[Laughter]

P: All right, so one of the things that I found with the research that I did was that loneliness actually affects our health. And I guess this relates to regular what we’re talking to here in terms of the happiness. Loneliness, we know is not good for us, but it actually affects our physical health. And some of the points that have come up with the studies from big health that I saw and from the Australian Psychological Society is that loneliness affects our physical health.

Now there’s a lot of research out there about how it affects our mental health and how we have less social interaction, fewer positive emotions, we’re less likely to be resilient. But there’s a physical impact, things like headaches, stomach problems and one of the most interesting, we have a worsening sensation of physical pain if we’re lonely, that goes a lot back to our central nervous system and the way that our body and our brain interprets pain. But even things like greater difficulty with vision and communication. These are, these are real physical factors, these physical symptoms from an emotional condition.

M: Again going back to, you teaching me about these old Eastern philosophies and theories of mind and body.

P: [Laugh]

M: It is yet another example of how so intertwined our mind and bodies are. And I think you’re fooling yourself if you think-

P: That’s not very cynical today, Marie.

M: [Laugh] You’re fooling yourself if you think that they’re not connected nowadays, and there is centuries of Eastern thinking and research into this. But there is also Western science that now packs it up well for the cynics out there.

[Laughter]

P: Ok, so if we’re going to move on a little bit more about loneliness and how loneliness relates to us. I do want to talk about the ways the we can avoid loneliness. And if we’re talking about the kind of contacts that we have between relationships, we’ve got maybe three main ones.

One of them is:

The Family contact.

One of them is:

Our Friends.

And the other one that I want to talk about it is:

Our Neighbours.

P: Now Marie, as an Australian do you think Australians have good neighbour contact?

M: Our neighbour let us jump his fence the other day when we got locked out of our own home.

[Laughter]

P: Okay, now I like this. I like this idea. I want to ask what you were doing to be locked out?

M: No, we… I said have you got the keys? And he said yes. And he said, Have you got the keys? And I said yes. And this is what happens when you have been married and together for 15 years. You don’t actually listen to what your partner is saying to you. You just say yes.

[Laughter]

M: So we both left the house without keys. Just pulled the door shut behind us. So back to that relationship advice you’re about to give us Pete, listening is so important.

P: Contact between neighbours is a form of actually combating Loneliness and in Australia, our neighbour contact is not good. We have been shown to have less neighbour contact amongst our society than ever before and it depends on how many neighbours we do have. And the odd thing is that in the survey, the people who listed that they have no immediate neighbours actually have more contact with their neighbours than anybody. So if you live in the middle of the Outback and the nearest neighbour is 24 K’s away, you’ve got more contact with that neighbour than people in the city do.

M: Wow, I think the thing is though, that neighbour is also the closest possible friend that you could have. Whereas if you’re in the city, you’ve got thousands of people who could be friends in your immediate area.

P: Very true. This is fair, when we look at the big health study. It does talk about that in terms of proximity of people.

[Laughter]

M: I will say, though, having moved from Sydney to Tamworth recently that people in country towns are just that much friendlier and that much more open to new relationships, that much more welcoming and gracious of new people into their community. And I don’t know how to solve that because, having lived overseas, and I’m sure you’ve found it too coming from the country and living in many large cities Pete.

P: Mm, Hmm.

M: That cities are just so much harder to find a foothold in when it comes to friends and friendships and close relationships.

P: It is, and I think that the proximity of people to your living space makes you react in a certain way. Having lived in big cities and moved into smaller cities as well. In my time when you’ve got space around you, you’re more likely to reach out to the person that is closest to you. I think if you’re in a densely populated area, you’re more inclined to bunker down and hunker in and not necessarily connect with your neighbours because your space is private.

M: Hhmm. Maybe.

P: The science supports this Marie. I come back this up with figures. [Laugh]

M: It’s not the figures I’m doubting it’s your rationale for why.

P: Ok, all right. So if we look at the rates of how many neighbours you have, so people who list that they’ve got two neighbours or three to four or five to eight. The proportion of Australians with neighbours that they hear from at least once a month goes down after you list two neighbours, so if you’ve got three to four neighbours.

If you live in an apartment block, the figure is 15.9%. If you live with two neighbours, one on either side of you in a suburban house, 21. 1% if you have no neighbours, 30.4%. So that’s telling that living in an apartment doesn’t give you contact with your neighbours.

M: I agree but not because I want to hunker down. So having now, living in a house, I see my neighbours more often and I’ve had conversations with them and I’ve popped over the road to go say hi and introduce myself. Whereas I went an entire three years in my apartment block and only saw two of my neighbours on the floor so there’s ten apartments, I only saw two of them in that three year period, I only crossed paths with them twice.

And that’s the difference to me and both times I stopped and had a chat and actually with one of the people, they ended up looking after our cat when we went on holidays. But we had to have that crossing of paths in order for that relationship to start developing, and it just wasn’t happening. And I think that that is one of the downsides to the way that we live nowadays that has changed. That is leading to this loneliness epidemic. More and more people are living alone, but also more and more people are living in cities around the world, and there’s going to be a huge increase in mega cities over the next 20 to 30 years, so between now and 2050 and that means you’ve got to have high density housing.

And there’s been some really good work, again in the Scandinavian countries that they’ve got their xxxx together, where they’re designing different types of apartment buildings so that you have your personal space, your bedroom and a small receiving area like a small lounge room and then in the middle of the floor you’ve got big, open communal congregating and cooking spaces so you can sit and eat.

P: And I think this is the way forward it’s the design of our cities it’s the design of the way we live that is going to encourage the decrease in loneliness. And the stuff that I’ve come across as well talks about that in terms of the building of the community relationships. How to effectively manage loneliness to make people feel connected to their community. And this is where the big health study he talks about that in creating shared common interests and meaningful connections, walkable suburbs, community interaction and gardens and recreational parks, access to public transport, all those sorts of things. And that brings me back to my earlier point about apartment living faces more challenges for loneliness rather than those who live in suburban areas.

M: Mmm.

P: So if you live in an apartment block, you actually have to do a little bit more work to make sure that that loneliness endemic-epidemic doesn’t affect you in the same way. I think it’s, I think you’re right, it’s easier to make those connections in the country where you don’t have the density of population. A walk across the road does happen. You see your neighbour’s a little bit more because you might be in the backyard together. In the apartment buildings that doesn’t happen because they don’t have that structure of communal gathering or proximity that allows that private/public space. I’m getting a little bit confused there with my, um, with my references. So that might be another episode.

M: [Laugh] Another really cute story and I think that there’s so much negativity out there in the news, so I’m always really keen to share lovely positive news stories. There’s a great story from the UK from, from Frome in the UK, whether they connected an old folks home with a primary school and each group is getting ready to exchange happiness boxes and they’re going to come and share what makes them happy. So they’ve partnered on elderly person with a young person and they’re preparing their stuff. So they’re preparing little boxes and they’ll all meet and exchange boxes with their assigned person and share what makes them happy. And so one of the ladies has actually knitted a garment for every single kid in the class.

P: [Laugh]

M: And she said she loves knitting, but she loves it more when she can actually knit for someone else. But again, this is making those connections and they’re going to be solid connections. So these types the projects I just love, love this news story. [Laugh]

P: It’s great. I’ve got a similar one that’s actually a bit more local in Australia. It’s an Australian initiative called the Men’s Shed.

M: Yes.

P: It was a. You heard about this?

M: So my grandfather did Man Shed until he unfortunately, had dementia. So until it was just too much for him. Dementia and heavy machinery don’t go well together, sidebar for you kids. So he used to go with his brother every Tuesday morning and it is such a great Mental Health resource for older men.

P: Yes.

M: And also, the local Tamworth Men’s Shed were having a sale, their annual sale to raise money when we moved out here to Tamworth. So we went out there and they got me. I bought a whole bunch of stuff I didn’t need. But they were so lovely.

[Laughter]

P: The CEO David Helmers talks about this and saying that whilst they’re repairing items for the community and having sales, I’ll quote in here. “The most important thing is the men getting together, building those relationships, that brotherhood that exists in the sheds. They’re finding new friendships, but most importantly they’re finding meaningful purpose.”

M: Yes, friendship and purpose, two things that we’ve discussed many times.

P: The two really important aspects of that [quote].

M: Yes. Well, I think on that note we are over time again. We finish every episode with the same sentence of me saying “we’re over time again Pete.”

[Laughter]

M: But we might wrap it up on that beautiful quote. But Men Shed. If you do have some elderly man in your family and you’re worried about their loneliness levels, it is a great initiative, and I’m glad you brought it up Pete. So it might be worth checking it out. They’re all around Australia.

P: Excellent. That’s a good indicator for all of us to get out there and find that kind of community groups that might foster that sort of relationship building and it’s hard when you’re feeling lonely, I think, to drag yourself out and put yourself in the in the non, non comfort space. If I have one tip for listeners, I would say ‘say yes’ and follow up with action.

M: I’m going to add one tip in there, too, because I always have to have the last word.

[Laughter]

M: I will say if you’re not feeling particularly social because you are feeling lonely, then one of the best ways to get yourself out there and develop friendships coincidentally, is to put yourself at the service of others. So go spend a couple of hours a week volunteering.

P: Yes.

M: And there’s so many organisations that could use your, your time right now if you’ve got two hours; and you’ll be surprised how much giving others comes back to you.

P: Can’t agree more, can’t agree more. I would never have found you Marie if I hadn’t volunteered at the Volleyball Club, look at that.

M: [Laugh] It sucks you in doesn’t it?

P: Yeah [Laugh]

M: Anyway, thank you for joining us today if you want to hear more please subscribe and like this podcast as always, you can find us at marieskelton.com and you can send in questions or proposed topics there if you’d like.

P: If you like our tiny little show, Happiness for Cynics Podcast, we’d love a comment or a rating to helps us out.

M: Yes, that would make us happy.

P: [Laugh] Until next time.

M & P: Choose Happiness

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article How To Make Friends As An Adult, listen to our Podcast The Importance of Being Social (E14)

Why Friends Beat Family (E40)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete discuss research about the importance of friendships and the controversial idea that friends are better than family.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness, Snapshot collector, positivity, genuflector and prodigy protector. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low.

P: Or if you’re only satisfied with life but not trully happy with it.

M: Or maybe you just want more!

P: Then this is the place to be.

M: And to take you one step further this weeks episode is all about social connections and whether friends beat family.

P: Ooh, it’s Family Feud!

[Happy Intro Music]

P: So Marie, family versus friends. Here we go.

M: Yeah! It is on, it is on!

P: Oh, I could see the knives coming out now.

[Laughter]

M: All right, so a few weeks ago, a new study came out by Hudson, Lucas, Donnellan called ‘Are we happier with others? An investigation of the links between spending time with others and subjective well being.’ And it was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

P: From Michigan State University?

M: And S.M.U. Yes.

P: S.M.U. What’s S.M.U.?

M: Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas. Anyway. So they studied 400 participants, and the participants were asked to think back on times with their friends or family and identify the activities they shared and rate whether those experiences left them feeling various emotions like happy, sad, satisfied and with a sense of meaning.

So they had a scale from almost never to always and the information covered how people felt at different times and allowed the researchers to estimate rates of happiness, so subjective well-being with their friends and family relationships.

P: Hhmm..

M: And [singing] bum, bum, buummm..

P: [Laugh]

M: Drumroll!

P: [Laugh]

M: All the research finds that family suck. And…

[Laughter]

M: Okay, I won’t put words in their mouths.

P: [He he]

M: I’m taking a bit of poetic license here. The research found that people report higher levels of subjective well-being, [so] happiness while hanging out with their friends than they do with their romantic partner or children.

P: So what we’re saying is that we prefer being with our friends than with our family. I’m not sure if I agree with that. My family’s pretty rock awesome.

M: Think about all the high divorce rates.

P: Ooh, yes.

M: Partners can be really annoying.

[Laughter]

M: They fart in bed, they leave their toenail clippings everywhere.

P: [Laugh] But is that just a comfort level thing? I mean, when we’re talking with our partners and our family there’s a certain amount of license, it is extended. Does that same licence exist with your close friendships. I’m thinking of you here Muz, and we have a pretty big licence?

M: You do not cut your toenails and you don’t leave your socks all over my house.

P: [Laugh] No, I leave my watch on your bedside table and your husband doesn’t wonder whose gentleman’s watch is on the bedside table for a week.

M: Actually, there’s a lot of trust there, isn’t there Pete?

P: [Laugh]

M: He comes home and sees another man’s watch on his side of the bed and doesn’t even question it.

P: [Laugh] He just goes ‘Oh, yeah.’

M: Look I think that, I think this says a lot for all these single people out there and for all these preconceived ideas that marriage is what’s expected and should happen and that you should shack up and have kids and have a family, I think what this is telling me is that maybe we need to look at that and the social constructs and the way that our world thinks and maybe poke it a little, see if it really is holding up.

P: I find that interesting because I am a single man and I have made a very conscious decision a few years ago that my friends were my family. Now I have a pretty amazing family, and when we do catch up, it’s a riot. It’s great fun. There’s a lot of support and interestingly enough in our family chat today, very timely. A member, I can’t say family names, can I? That’s going to be really bad. So someone putting the family chat ‘Oh my God, grandma just stuffed up my career, blah, blah, blah… and something that happened in the nail salon and, you know, small towns and people saying things and things got around and it was funny that the entire family bandied around this person and just basically said ‘No, that’s shit, that’s crap. You’re amazing, you’re all good.’

M: I take it Nan’s not on the chat?

P: [Laugh] Yeah, Grandma’s not on the chat, she’s a technophobe.

M: Poor Grandma.

P: Poor Grandma, she cops it on this podcast, I swear if she ever listens to it she’s going to slap me on the back of the head.

[Laughter]

P: I think the point is that there was a rallying. There was an instant rallying, and I made the comment, ‘it’s great to have your fan club behind you’.

M: Mmm, Hhmm.

P: But I think that’s the nature of the family connection is that you can trust that you can come out and you can say some things that maybe on appropriate and they’re a bit off the wall and be emotional and that the family forgives that, sees it for what it is and throws some support behind you because you need it and then might bring you back and go ‘Oh, have you thought about it this way?’ So there’s a little bit of relativity in there. Do friendships, close friendships have that same amount of freedom?

M: I would say in a good family, there’s a lot of crappy families.

P: Oh yeah, I realise I’m very lucky.

M: Yeah and I’d say, having, having lived overseas and moved around a lot, I’m like you, my friends, apart from my husband, obviously, but my friends very much are my family and my support and my cheerleaders and all that stuff that you rely on your family in this group chat you talked about for. I get a lot of that from my friends.

P: Definitely.

M: Yeah, so anyway let’s, let’s keep going. There is a twist.

P: Ooh, Oh, there’s a sidebar.

M: So the findings. So I was holding something back, Pete. So the findings, actually show that family isn’t all that bad. It has more to do with the activity than the person it is shared with.

P: Oh.

M: Unfortunately people tend to spend more time doing enjoyable activities with friends than they do with family members. So you do a lot more cleaning and chores with your family than you do with friends.

P: Aah, righto. Okay.

M: So when the researchers, statistically controlled for activities, the mere presence of children, romantic partners and friends predicted similar levels of happiness. So the real lesson here is that people increase your subjective well-being, so they make you happier.

P: I was looking forward to a reality TV spin off here, you know, having two opposing camps and one person in the middle going ‘no, I want to go over here. Now I want to go over here. I want to go over here now.’

M: [Laugh]

P: Now you’ve just made it boring.

M: Yeah, yeah. Now it makes sense.

[Laughter]

M: We are in the 21st century of questionable media and questionable facts so we could have just stopped our episode two minutes ago and then left it at that.

P: [Laugh] Very true. Hanging the fish out to dry as it were.

I’ve found it interesting that Michigan State University is involved in is because there’s been a coup[le], when we were looking at the research for this, there’s a couple of studies that actually talk about this friends versus family aspect. William Chopik was the researcher in 2017 who published a study with 280,000 participants.

M: 280,000?!

P: Yeah. Much bigger. I think that this laid the groundwork for yours for the subsequent study that we mentioned at the beginning of the episode and what Chopik found was that friendships predict a day today happiness more and ultimately how long we’ll live more so than certain spousal and family relationships. So this is talking about our longevity and what friendships actually bring to our state of mind and all those things that we have mentioned before in terms of longevity, of being supportive and having the people you can have those the vault conversations with.

M: Mm, hmm. The ones that you call at two am when you’re in jail.

P: [Laugh]

M: That’s my test.

P: Hang on, how many times have you been in jail Marie?

M: I havn’t, but if I did.

[Laughter]

M: Do I have enough people I could call?

P: That’s actually probably a good exercise to do. That’s like, that’s one of the questions we should put on the questionnaire. Who would you call at 2am if you were in jail? Tthat might give you an indication of who your close friends actually are.

[Laughter]

P: Sidebar, later for tips and hints.

M: Tips and Hints: Do not go to jail.

[Laughter]

P: So to continue further with Chopik’s work, he does talk about family relationships being as enjoyable as friendships. But he does clock that sometimes the family relationships involve serious negative and monotonous interactions. And I think this is in support of what you were saying Marie, is that we do the cleaning, we do the cooking, we go to the taxation office together with our family or our spouses as opposed to going for a picnic with our friends and having the high times of having the fun times. You know, do your friends change your children’s nappy. Maybe they do.

M: That’s a good friend.

P: Maybe that’s sharing that.

[Laughter]

M: So actually back to that first study, the percentage they looked at the percentage of activities, and they found that 65% of experiences with friends involved socialising. But only 28% of time shared with partners involved socializing. So, you’re spot on there.

P: Yes.

M: That’s about 50% less time spent doing the fun stuff.

P: So is it a matter of maybe scheduling the fun stuff with the family?

M: Absolutely, Absolutely. So it’s about being a bit more aware of that. And I would even argue old school. I had a father who went to work and who was the man of the house, and we spent very little time socialising with Dad.

P: Yeah.

M: You had meals together where you were told to be quiet, you know.

P: Yeah.

M: Like it was. It was a traditional kind of not, not as modern now, but traditional male dominated household. Ah, where kids were meant to be seen, not heard.

P: Not heard, yes.

M: Yeah, yeah, you know, it’s a bit of a shame that I think back to our episode last week on play that we don’t play more with the kids, and we don’t schedule that in.

P: Yes, I agree. I think that that’s the real key here is scheduling the fun times to do with the family and those, you know the monotonous times are going to happen, but make sure that you have the upswing of that and do things like playing in the park or going on bike rides or going to the Universal Studios together or something kike that.

M: Oof, that’s a good one.

P: [Laugh]

M: Every weekend, Universal Studios for me.

P: [Laugh]

M: Or Disney, I’ll take Disney.

P: [Laugh] Very true.

M: Oh, another really great study that was recently published by Interflora.

P: As is the flower shop?

M: Yes.

P: Really. We’re quoting Interflora.

M: We’re not quoting Interflora, but Interflora funded the study, which obviously deals with friendships and send flowers to than friends, so the Interflora and the expert for… who wrote, sorry. So the author from ‘The Friendship Cure’, Kate Leaver. So they did a study involving 2000 Brits, and they found that you need five friends in our friendship group to be happy.

P: Five friends to be happy?

M: Mm, hmm.

P: Ok, so you can have seven friends but five of them need to be happy. So you have two miserable ones?

M: No, if you want to be happy you need five friends.

P: Oh, ok.

M: What you were saying about needing friends and the importance of that for longevity and, and all the rest of it. You don’t need one and you don’t need 50. You need five. So one is too little. It’s the Goldie Locks amount.

[Laughter]

M: For ultimate happiness.

P: Ok. So we need five friends.

M: Five friends. But, there’s always a but, right?

P: A caveat.

M: We need a mix of personality traits.

P: Okay.

M: Your friendship group should be comprised of five different personalities to really make it work.

The Sensible one

P: Sorry, I’m just getting an image of the Spice Girls here.

M: [Laugh] Ok. So to make your girl band a sensible one. That is not your me, by the way. We need:

The Organiser

I think that’s you and me.

P: I gave up being the organiser three years ago when I left the presidency of the volleyball club.

M: [Laugh] There’s:

The Joker

P: Ok, yep.

M: There’s:

The Party Animal

P: [Laugh]

M: And this one’s you,

The Dramatic One

P: Oh! How rude. [Mock outrage]

M: [Laugh]

P: Oh, my goodness. I’m walking out! Bye! If I could do the sound of storming out of a room that would be playing right now, I am not dramatic, how dare you. [Laugh]

M: Yes, point proven. So they say that those five personalities are ideal and give you good balance. But, there’s always more buts, always more. It is better to be part of two different groups for real happiness.

P: Oh.

M: And for better friends you need to argue at least twice a year.

P: Oh, that’s dangerous. Oh dear, oh dear. Does this include dropping off key FOBs in the wrong mailbox?

[Laughter]

M: We’re not talking about that.

P: Oh, go on. Tell our listener’s Marie, go on, tell them. [Laugh] I’m going to tell a story here. So you know, we’re trying to coordinate between being in Tamworth and being in Sydney, and somebody may have borrowed the key fob to the apartment and then the instruction was so leave it in the mail box. But specific, the specificity of the mailbox wasn’t mentioned, so someone dropped the key fob.

M: Because I have three…

P: Well I know but this is what I’m saying, someone dropped it in the wrong mailbox, and it required a very snappy conversation over the phone and I was about to go on a volleyball court. This’s good though, this is, I agree. I agree that good friendships should argue because they that argument brings you closer and it brings about trust, and it brings about that ‘remember when you bit my head off because I did this?’ And we’re still friends because of that, and I actually think that that forms a really true bond because, let’s face it, the best relationships aren’t lovey dovey 100% of the time.

M: Yep. We’re all human.

P: Yep and you need someone to call you on your bullshit when you’re doing something crazy.

M: Yeah, when you’re doing something wrong. But you also need someone who will forgive you when you behave a little poorly.

P: Yes.

M: Not, not consistently poorly and not abusively. But when you behave poorly every now and then as all humans do, someone who’ll forgive you.

P: Yes, it’s really impactive when it does happen. And I’m being an emotional person and being a drama personality apparently.

[Laughter]

P: When a friend calls me out on an activity that actually had a deep impact on me has a physical impact, so that actually, it’s a lever, it’s a lever to make you rethink cause you go ‘oh, next time I’m not going to do it that way, I’m going to change.’ So it’s a lesson learned, and that advances you. And it does bring about more happiness because you’re making conscious decisions and reinforcing actions have bring about a positive benefit and positive influence.

M: Absolutely. So before we leave, maybe we need to have some tips, so there is research on how to make friends. If you don’t have five good friends, we’ll start with the friends, maybe.

P: Well five good friends but also five good friends in two different girl bands.

M: [Laugh]

P: So, it’s not enough to be a Spice Girl, you need to be a Spice Girl and a Destiny’s Child.

M: [Laugh] Yep, I was going to go with Take.. Take That? Take 5? New Kids on the Block? No hang on…

P: 80’s pop bands, we’re showing our age here, Muz. I was going to go with Disney, but I’m not sure that’s culturally relevant.

M: OK, so we’ll wrap up with just a really quick overview of just the latest research in making friends as adults, which we all know is nowhere near as easy as it was when we were at school to make friends and to make friends fast. And the reason that is, is Jeffrey Hall from the University of Kansas has done a whole lot of research on making friends, and he says it takes about 50 hours to go from acquaintance to casual friend and about another 90 hours on top of that to move to friend’s status, and then an additional 200 hours to become close friends.

P: Wow.

M: So that means you’re investing 340 hours into a friendship before you reach close friend status.

P: I’d agree with that.

M: So you’re -absolutely- and there’s a lot of awkward, weird first date kind of stuff with weird people out there.

P: [Laugh]

M: They’re everywhere. People that you don’t gel with.

P: Like when they start wearing unicorn t-shirts

M: [Laugh] So, we are out of time, but there’s three things you can do that will help to build friendships over time. So, firstly, joining a class, so painting,  pottery… It gives you a chance to see people on a weekly basis, and once you suss out the people that you might want to be friends with and get closer to them, you’ve got a reason for seeing them over time and building that friendship. Same thing goes for volunteering, so you know you’ve got to make a commitment and go back regularly, but again, you’re there to do the volunteering and the friendship building almost become secondary. And then, lastly, joining a sports team, which Pete is kind of how I think we got to be a lot closer and bonded faster.

P: Yeh absolutely, and spend those formative times together and hours upon hours in a car driving to a tournament somewhere. It creates conversation.

M: Yeah, and bonds you faster. So we hit that to 340 level a lot faster than if we hadn’t played volleyball together. So we’ve spent hours every week, week in, week out, year after year together and as a result, had a much deeper bond than maybe someone you go for a drink with at the pub once a month.

P: That’s why I agree with you, and that’s what’s interesting to see the breakdown from Hall’s research about the 90 hours and the 200 hours… makes sense. So forming a bond over a common interest such as a sports team or volunteering is a really good way to rack up those hours. And when you look at it as an hourly commitment, then yeah, something that’s got a common interest that makes you spend three hours a day together, creates friendships.

M: Yeah, absolutely. Well, on that note, we might wrap up. So the moral of story is friends are important. They may I not be better than family, but you still do need a core group of friends that you can call from jail.

P: Thanks for joining us today. If you’d like to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like the podcast on member, you can find us at www.MarieSkelton.com, where you can find out about balanced happiness and resilience in your life where you can also post questions or propose a topic.

M: And if you like, a little show would absolutely love you, leave a comment or rating to help us out.

P: That would make us jump with happiness and do little pirouettes in the middle of the kitchen.

M: Well, Pete would.

[Laughter]

M: Until next time.

P: Choose happiness.