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9 Ways to improve your mindset (E104)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

Join Marie and Pete this week as they discuss 9 ways to improve your mindset and live a longer, happier, and more productive life.

Show notes

Sleep deprivation and genes

Study reveals sleep deprivation is associated with lower DNA repair gene expression and more breaks in DNA. The damage to DNA may explain the increased risk of cancers and neurodegenerative diseases in those who are sleep deprived.

Sleep is your superpower – Matt Walker

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background] 

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t. 

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy. 

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life. 

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny. 

[Intro music fadeout] 

P: Hi!

M: Welcome back.

P: Here we are.

M: Here we are again!

P: Laugh, and again and again and again.

M: Every week, laugh.

P: Encore une fois. [Once more] Laugh!

M: So, what are we talking about today, Pete?

P: Ooh! What are we talking about today? The nine ways to build a positive mindset.

M: Are you sure we have nine?

P: I’ll invent one, laugh. I’ll create one.

M: Laugh.

P: Just give me five minutes, laugh.

M: Love it. All right, positive mindset.

P: Mmm.

M: What are the reasons why you want a positive mindset?

P: Because unhappy people die?

M & P: Laugh!

M: I don’t know why we laugh so hard.

P: Laugh, it’s our catchphrase!

M: It’s not really appropriate, laugh. [But] yes, they tend to not live as long, how about that.

P: But a positive mindset also has positive implications for your health.

M: Yes.

P: There’s a lot of studies that support that outwardly positive and, um, uh –

M: Optimistic.

P: – optimistic was the word I was looking for. People live better quality of lives and have better health outcomes.

M: Absolutely. And the research shows that you can train your brain to think more positively.

P: Yes.

M: So, if you balance negative thoughts with positive thoughts, then you can change your mindset. So, really, this is about creating those neural pathways in your brain again that we’ve talked about to counterbalance.

P: Mmm.

M: What is a natural tendency to think things are bad in a lot of people? Some people are just natural optimists, and they born that way. Or they grow up and learn that.

P: Yep.

M: A lot of us do tend to spend a lot of time ruminating over things or thinking about all the negatives. And we’ve seen a huge increase in anxiety and depression in all people around the world since, you know over the last 20 years or so. And so actively and proactively, creating a positive mindset or balancing your negative thoughts with positive thoughts is so important to learn how to do.

P: It also creates opportunity.

M: Yes, if you see a door opening and someone else sees the door shutting. You know, there’s two outcomes.

P: There are, yeah.

M: Two very different outcomes from that.

P: Yep. It’s a positive feedback loop.

M: Yeah, absolutely. So, you mentioned that they live healthier and longer. So, we do know that research shows that optimists tend to have healthier lives and lower risk of chronic diseases like diabetes and heart disease as the pessimists.

P: Yep.

M: And on the flip side, pessimists tend to have shorter telomeres.

P: Ah ha ha ha. What are telomeres?

M: Laugh.

P: Shorter bracelets!

M: Laugh. As we discussed a few episodes ago, that means that pessimists age faster.

P: Yes.

M: So, cells with shorter telomeres circulate and release large amounts of inflammatory proteins that contribute to inflammation, which is a mechanism of ageing.

P: So, if you don’t want wrinkles, you want long telomeres.

M: Yes.

P: Add some more beads to your bracelet.

M: By changing your mindset and becoming more positive.

P: Yes.

M: All right, what else we got?

P: Oh. I’m leading? I’m going on this one.

M: So, Pete hasn’t done his homework.

P: Oh, rude!

M: Laugh.  

P: Laugh, so rude.

M: You’ll be less stressed. So, people who have positive mindsets cope with the day-to-day turmoil of life better, and they’re also less anxious and less likely to suffer from depression. And so, I think throughout Covid, there have been two very different yet typical responses.

P: Mmm.

M: There are those who have thrived throughout Covid, who have had the skills and the knowledge and the self-awareness to find ways to be positive and proactive about their mental health and their physical health and everything that their body needs. And you’ve had a lot of people who floundered.

P: It’s the same is dealing with crises in general, really, isn’t it?

M: Mmm hmm.

P: There are those people that deal with crisis better or deal with it in a proactive way in a positive.

M: Rise to the challenge.

P: Yeah, and it is. It’s the way you interpret it, as we’ve talked about before, stress is an interpretation. And some people will see a crisis as an opportunity to exercise their brain muscles or their opportunistic, outwardly going selves… don’t know where I was going with that.

M: Laugh.

P: I was reaching, totally reaching.

M & P: Laugh!

P: But yeah, it’s about looking at the situation going right, ‘I’m going to take this. I’m going to drive with this challenge and see where I end up’, as opposed to those who were running away from the tidal wave going, ‘No! Don’t come at me!’

M: Or those who don’t know that they have to take action and therefore end up in a situation that they didn’t know they needed to avoid.

P: Yes, they’re not enabled.

M: Yep, absolutely. And then, lastly, do you want to go now?

P: Yeah. I’m up to the page now, laugh.

M: You’re reading your notes.

P: I was reading Harry Potter before.

M & P: Laugh!

M: If you’re not going to be interested in our show, no one else will be.

P & M: Laugh!

P: You’ll be more successful, yay!

M: Yay, third benefit of a positive mindset. So, tell us what the science says here.

P: Well, compared to pessimists, optimists are more successful. They create social connections. They create communities, they engage with people which allows for more opportunities. They’re also more successful in issues such as marriages –

M: Marriage is an issue?

P: Issues? Yeah.

M: Laugh!

P: It’s an issue. Sure, why not?

M: I’m going to tell my husband he’s an issue. Laugh.

P: There’s a cat next to me. Of course, I’m getting flustered.

M & P: Laugh.

M: So, they’re more successful. There’s a great book by Shawn Achor that makes the case and shows the science behind optimists being more successful in school, at work and in athletics. So, people who are more positive just do better at life.

P: Mmm.

M: Not only at issues like marriage.

P: Laugh! Well, some marriages are an issue.

M & P: Laugh!

M: Very true. Maybe you don’t want to be successful at those.

P & M: Laugh.

M: Alright, so how can you build a positive mindset? Let’s get to our nine, our nine steps.

P: Oh, can we get to number nine first? Because that’s the fun one.

M: How about we leave that right for the end?

P: Aww, but it’s so good!

M: Laugh.

P: Stay tuned, folks. It’s gonna get better!

M: All right, number one, no brainer. It’s get good sleep.

P: Yes, we talked about this a lot. Just one hour of sleep deprivation has big impacts on our genetics on our ability to re-create cells, our regeneration, all those big things.

M: On our genes.

P: On our genes?

M: Not our genetics, they’re set from birth.

P: Uh, no, they do have some impact on … our genetic code.

M: On our genes.

P: Yes… Oh, I see I’m sorry. OK, I got it wrong, I’m just going to be quiet now.

M: Laugh! But we understand what you’re trying to say here.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: It impacts you right down to the cellular level.

P: There we go. Keep talking.

M: Yeah, also, I don’t know about you, but I am just grumpy as all get up after a bad night’s sleep.

P: Laugh.

M: I’m not fun to be around. And I find it really hard to be an optimist if I haven’t gotten enough sleep.

P: Mmm, yeah. Resilience is always low when you don’t have enough sleep as well. You’re just not firing on all cylinders. You’re not seeing opportunities. You’re not seeing those. You’re not resilient enough to actually turn things into an opportunity rather than going, ‘Oh my God, my life sucks!’

M: Yep, or falling apart. You lose your resilience. So global consulting firm McKinsey, has done a bit of work on this in the past few months, and they’re arguing that sleep is an important organisational topic that requires specific and urgent attention.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: And it is so true. We have this hyper connected, always on world and this expectation now that everything has gone digital, that people can answer a call or an email 24/7 and that constant low-level stress is impacting our sleep. And also, people are sending messages and emails at all times of the day and night.

P: Mmm yeah.

M: And we need to change that work culture in order to enable people to have better sleep.

P: Yeah, there’s a really good Ted talk on this by Matt Walker. If anyone wants to look it up, it talks a lot about sleep being your superpower.

M: Mmm,

P: Really good on this topic.

M: Absolutely. All right, number two.

P: Number two.

M: Limit social media.

P: Ooh, I love this one.

M: Yeah, you do. This is your favourite, isn’t it?

P: Yeah. Get off Facebook people.

M: Laugh.

P: It’s evil!

M: Even before Covid social media was well ingrained in most societies around the world. So, in Australia in January 2019, there are 18 million active users of social media websites. Facebook is the most popular with 16 million monthly users in the US, about 70% of adults say they use Facebook, and YouTube. And Instagram and Snapchat are growing in popularity.

P: Mmm.

M: It is such an important part of modern life, and I think people definitely feel FOMO [Fear of Missing Out]. They feel like they’re missing out if they’re not on these channels that everyone around them is using. But the problem is excessive social media use leads to increased depression, anxiety, loneliness, sleeplessness, and many other mental health issues.

P: Yep.

M: And so, if you want to be an optimist and positive, you really need to take control of that social media use and not let it control you and your moods.

P: Be an active user and not a passive user.

M: Yeah, absolutely. All right number three of ways to change your mindset.

P: [Mickey Mouse voice] Surround yourself with positive people, yay!

M: I think we’re doing well on this one.

P: Laugh! Like attracts like they say.

M: Yes.

P: So, bringing positive people into your sphere of influence means that you’re going to be more inclined to pick up on those vibrational, energetic connections. Oh, she’s getting down!

M & P: Laugh.

M: Talking energy.

P: Here we go, we’re going there. Cough-meditation-cough!

M: Laugh!

So, speaking about positive people, one of the best things that you can do with positive people is laugh.

P: Ah, yes. Laughter is contagious.

M: It is, it is. In a recent New York Times article, researchers found that people laugh five times as often when they’re with others, as when they’re alone.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: So, you’ll find if you’re watching a funny movie by yourself, you won’t laugh as much as if you’re watching a funny movie with friends or in a movie theatre. Because, as you mentioned, laughter is contagious.

P: See I’m the person that laughs out loud on his own.

M & P: Laugh!

M: But you won’t laugh as much as when other people are around.

P: True. I also laugh on public transport.

M: Laugh!

P: Maybe that’s my public laughter. I’ll just burst out… usually into song, but laughter as well.

M: Pete believes he’s in a musical.

P: My life is a musical.

M & P: Laugh!

M: The other thing to think about also is humour and the appreciation of humour. So, humour is one of the few things that is observed in all cultures and at all ages. And a lot of research has gone into humour more recently. And it’s one of the top five strengths of happy people, actually.

P: Ahh.

M: So, if you look at Martin Seligman and his work on strengths, you can actually do a lot of that online for free and work out what your strengths are. But if humour is one of your top five, you’re more likely to be happier and more likely to be an optimist.

P: So, Patch Adams was right.

M: Absolutely.

P: Humour is the best medicine. Or was that laughter is the best medicine?

M: Both? Both is fine.

P: We’ll take it.

M & P: Laugh.

M: All right. The next one is really important I think, especially when we talk about happiness and the importance of happiness. Really important, though number four, don’t suppress negative emotions.

P: Yep, they’re there for a reason.

M: Mmm hmm. One of the biggest misconceptions about the positive psychology movement is that people should always aim to be happy, and negative emotions are to be avoided. It’s a load of rubbish.

P: Yep, no. Can’t avoid them. They’re going to be there. They’re going to come up. You have to process them.

M: Absolutely. So, firstly, being happy all the time is impossible. We don’t live in a trouble-free world. And secondly, trying to suppress negative emotions can be really detrimental for mental health. So, the reality is, life is messy and sad and not what we expect and disappointing as well as good and beautiful and all of the other positive emotions. And we really need to make sure that we’re having an appropriate reaction to the situation.

P: Mmm yeah, that’s a good word. Appropriate.

M: Yeah, and that means processing negative events and emotions in a healthy way so you can move forward.

P: And having the skills to do that. And sometimes to have those skills, you need to do a little bit of work behind that.

M: Yep.

P: You actually need to spend some time contemplating, reading around it, going ‘how do I feel about grief? How do I feel about death? How am I going to process that when it comes to call or when it affects my life?’ And if you’ve done a little bit of that background work, it becomes a little bit easier to process your negative emotions and then by processing you get to the other side a little bit more easily.

M: Yeah, and two really good ways to help processes, journaling and talking to people, talking about it.

P: Yeah.

M: Number five.

P: Let’s exercise. [Starts singing] Let’s get physical, physical.

M & P: [Singing] I want to get physical.

P: [High pitched singing] Let’s get into physical!

M: Laugh!

P: There we go, musical theatre degree. Olivia was right.

M: Laugh, oh dear.

P: Movement and exercise if you didn’t get what that was about people.

M & P: Laugh.

P: Moving is good.

M: Absolutely.

P: Motion is lotion. Boom, Boom! Laugh. Thank you, Dan Horne.

M & P: Laugh.

M: So not only are there physical benefits to moving in exercise, but it’s great for your mood and your mental state. So, if you want to increase your positive vibes, if you want to become more of an optimist or increase your positive mindset, go get some exercise into your week or your day. And it doesn’t have to be a lot.

P: Nope.

M: But exercising releases dopamine nor-adrenaline and serotonin, and they’re all the happy drugs.

P: Happy drugs, laugh.

M: So, if we’re talking mindset and positive mindset, this is the fastest way to trick your brain into being happy.

P: Absolutely. You can do that really simply by getting yourself up and shaking the crap out of yourself, literally getting up and vibrating and throwing your arms around and getting really, really elevated with your heart rate.

M: Dance.

P: Actually, dance is one of the best ones. I wasn’t gonna go there because, you know I’m biased towards dance. But yeah, literally jumping up and down for 30 seconds is enough to actually get those endorphins going.

M: Yep, absolutely. All right, number six,

P: Learn something new.

M: I’ve got a quote.

P: Oh.

M: Einstein.

P: Mmm.

M: Mmm hmm. So, he famously said,

“The important thing is to never stop questioning.”

– [Albert Einstein]

M: And he was really smart.

P: Laugh! He was a scientist.

M: Don’t know if he was happy.

P & M: Laugh!

M: But I love the quote.

P: Laugh, he had crazy hair.

M: It is so important to add new things into your environment. So novel things. We’ve spoken about this before and learning a new skill or giving yourself something where you have autonomy and ownership over getting deeper experience and better skills at something is a great way to do that.

P: Mmm.

M: So, when we say learning, you could simply read a book or watch a documentary, you could listen to Ted talks. You could join a class. Or a course, you don’t have to go to a university degree there’s plenty of free classes out there and lots of micro learning nowadays as well. So, you could learn how to put floating shelves on your wall. Or you could go to your local TAFE and do a mechanics course and everything in between.

P: Yep, totally agree. I’m there, laugh.

M: And you know, you’ve just started back at university again, late life haven’t you.

P: Yep.

M: Does that –

P: Oh, huge amounts of mission and purpose.

M: Yep.

P: When we talk about mission and purpose is being one of the pillars of our happiness building. It’s so true because you wake up and you’ve got somewhere to go and somewhere to be, laugh.

M: I found one of the best parts of UNI was just the conversations you have. You have these new ideas running through your head and you’re wrapping your head around your values and how they fit into these new ideas and whether you believe them or not, and you’re forming your own ideas and bouncing them off other people.

It was one of the favourite things was sitting out in the quad on the grass, sometimes with the beer.

P: Laugh.

M: Often with a beer.

P & M: Laugh.

M: And debating these new ideas that we were discovering every day.

P: Yeah, I like the idea of it being reflective. It’s around your values and beliefs. I mean, that’s a great thing, because it does challenge your values and beliefs as well. And that’s a really great way to provide self-reflective practise.

M: Yep, and there are multiple studies and pieces of research that suggests that consistent curiosity goes hand in hand with happiness.

P: Yep.

M: Yep. All right, number seven.

P: Getting outdoors.

M: Ahh.

P: [Singing] Forest bathing.

M: Laugh. It’s the little things right. Taking a walk can have such a huge impact on your mental health and make you happier.

P: Yep, yeah. Go out and hug a tree. Sniff a leaf.

M: Yep. So, the studies show that brain structure and mood improved when we spend time outdoors, and this has positive implications for concentration, memory and overall psychological wellbeing. Also, when you get outdoors, it’s not only the trees and the air, but it’s also the light. So having more sunlight in your day has been shown to improve sleeplessness and mood. So, if you have insomnia, get outside.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: Number eight.

P: Oh, you take this one. This is yours.

M: Gratitude!

P: Laugh.

M: Practise gratitude. And as we said before, it’s about rewiring your brain so that it’s not constantly focusing on the negative, and the science is really clear on this one. Practising gratitude makes you happier and less stress… Less stressed.

P: Laugh.

M: It leads to higher overall wellbeing satisfaction with your life and social relationships, so making it part of even just a weekly practise can give you all of those benefits and help you balance that negative way of thinking with some more positive and over time, that reinforces, and you start seeing more positive things in your day to day.

P: Yeah.

M: All right, Pete, and what’s your made up number nine?

P: It’s not made up, it’s backed by science.

M & P: Laugh.

P: Drink champagne! Laugh!

M: I think, I think this is my favourite way to improve your mindset.

P: So, a recent study came out in The Guardian in the UK that was talking about when we reach the alcohol, what it is that we’re doing. And studies showed that most people will have a drink when they’re actually feeling happier. So, alcohol can actually lead us to being a little bit more contented. Sure, there is the flip side of that where we do reach for the bottle as a negative coping mechanism for depression or grief or whatever.

But on the whole, most people will have a glass of wine or a beer in the day to increase their happiness.

M: Sorry. Just to be clear, the study showed that people are more likely to drink when they’re happy.

P: Yes.

M: Not the other way around. Not the flip way. So, there’s no causality. Yeah, there’s no causality here.

P: Champagne makes me happy.

M: Laugh.

P: I hear a pop and I’m ready, laugh.

M: Unless you’re Pete.

P & M: Laugh!

P: We don’t want to be encouraging people to be alcoholics.

M: No. [meaning yes] And if you’re feeling sad, reaching for the bottle isn’t going to make you happy.

P: No, that doesn’t work. If you’re already negative, then no.

M: So, I guess what we’re saying is, if you’re happy, you’re more likely to have a drink.

P: Don’t berate yourself if you’re going to have a glass of wine out in the sunshine when you’re out sniffing the trees or being in the ocean whilst expressing gratitude and having a sleep.

M & P: Laugh.

P: All the nine steps above. It’s okay, laugh.

M: And on that note, we’ll finish up for the week. Thanks for joining us again.

P: Have a happy week.

M: And stay cynical.

[Happy exit music – background] 

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic. 

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out. 

M: Until next time. 

M & P: Choose happiness. 

[Exit music fadeout] 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and weekly email newsletter for regular updates and news!  

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‘Toxic positivity’: Why it is important to live with negative emotions

by

Andrée-Ann Labranche, Université du Québec à Montréal (UQAM)

It is almost impossible to go on Facebook or Instagram without seeing quotes or comments accompanied with motivational words such as, “Look on the bright side,” “Focus on the good things,” or “Be positive.”

If anything, the pandemic has exacerbated the phenomenon of “toxic positivity.” In Québec, the famous catchphrase, “It’s going to be OK,” is undoubtedly one of the best known examples of this.

Though well-intentioned, these phrases can end up creating more distress instead of helping. Why? Because they are examples of toxic positivity, a school of thought that operates on the principle that one should always have a positive attitude, even when things get difficult.

As a doctoral student in psychology, I am interested in internalized symptoms (depression, anxiety and social withdrawal) and externalized symptoms (delinquency, violent, oppositional/defensive, disruptive and impulsive behaviours). I believe it is important to focus on the negative consequences of “emotional invalidation” and to understand why we need to live with our negative emotions.

Emotional invalidation

When a person talks about what they are feeling, their main goal is usually to validate their emotions, to understand and accept the emotional experience. In contrast, emotional invalidation involves ignoring, denying, criticizing or rejecting another person’s feelings.

Several studies have looked at the effects of emotional invalidation. The conclusions are clear: it is very harmful to mental health. People who experience emotional invalidation are more likely to have depressive symptoms.

Emotional invalidation has many negative effects. A person who is regularly invalidated may have difficulty accepting, controlling and understanding their emotions.

What’s more, people who expect their emotions to be invalidated are less likely to exhibit psychological flexibility, which is the ability to tolerate difficult thoughts and emotions and to resist unnecessarily defending oneself.

The more psychological flexibility a person has, the more they are able to live with their emotions and to get through difficult situations. For example, in the aftermath of a breakup, a young man feels anger, sadness and confusion. His friend listens to him and validates him. The man then normalizes his conflicting feelings and understands that the feelings will not last forever.

In contrast, another man going through the same type of breakup doesn’t understand his feelings, feels ashamed and fears losing control of his emotions. His friend invalidates him and won’t listen to him. The man then tries to suppress his emotions, which creates anxiety and can even lead to depression.

These two examples, drawn from the study “Processes underlying depression: Risk aversion, emotional schemas, and psychological flexibility” by American psychologists and researchers Robert L. Leahy, Dennis Tirch and Poonam S. Melwani, are neither rare nor harmless. The avoidance reaction, which involved doing everything possible to avoid experiencing negative emotions, is often amplified by the people around us.

Some people are so affected by other people’s unhappiness that just seeing this sadness makes them unhappy. This is why they react by making positive comments. However, the ability to live with our emotions is essential. Suppressing or avoiding them does not solve anything. In fact, trying to avoid negative emotions at all costs does not bring about the desired effect — on the contrary, the emotions tend to return more often, and more intensely.

Being negative: A state of mind with ancient origins

Unfortunately, humans are not designed to be positive all the time. On the contrary, we are more likely to recall bad memories. This probably goes back to a time, ages ago, when our survival depended on our reflex to avoid danger. A person who ignored signs of danger, even once, could end up in a catastrophic or even deadly situation.

In this article, “Bad is stronger than good,” the authors, both psychologists, explain how in evolutionary history the organisms that were better at identifying danger were more likely to survive threats. So the most alert among human beings had a higher probability of passing on their genes. The result is that we are in some ways programmed to pay attention to potential sources of danger.

How the negativity bias manifests itself

This phenomenon is known as the negativity bias. Research has identified four manifestations of this bias that allow us to better understand it. One of these manifestations is linked to the vocabulary we use to describe negative events.

In a phenomenon called negative differentiation, it turns out that the vocabulary we have to describe negative events is much richer and more varied than the vocabulary used to describe positive events. In addition, negative stimuli are generally interpreted as more elaborate and differentiated than are positive ones.

The vocabulary used to describe physical pain is also much more complex than that used to describe physical pleasure. Another example: parents find it easier to judge their babies’ negative emotions than their positive emotions.

No more prefabricated sentences

Negative emotions are a product of human complexity and are as important as positive ones.

The next time someone confides in you about their emotions, if you don’t know what to say, opt for listening and emotional validation. Use expressions like, “It looks like you had a hard day,” or, “It was hard, wasn’t it?”

It’s worth noting that being positive is not always synonymous with toxic positivity — the goal of which is to reject and avoid everything negative and only see the positive side of things. An example of positive and validating language is, “It is normal to feel the way you do after such a serious event, let’s try to make sense of it.” Toxic positivity, on the other hand, sounds more like, “Stop seeing the negative side, think about the positive things instead.”

Finally, if you are unable to validate and listen, refer the person to a mental health professional who will know how to help them.

Andrée-Ann Labranche, Candidate au doctorat en psychologie, Université du Québec à Montréal (UQAM)

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and weekly email newsletter for regular updates and news!  

Making a Positive Portfolio (E87)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about how to reinforce your happiness by making a positive portfolio highlighting positive emotions.

Show notes

Positive Portfolio – 10 emotions (according to Barbara Fredrickson)

  • Gratitude,
  • Serenity,
  • Interest,
  • Hope,
  • Pride,
  • Amusement,
  • Inspiration,
  • Awe,
  • Love, and
  • Joy.

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background] 

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.  

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.  

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.  

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny. 

[Intro music fadeout] 

M: Hey, hey!

P: Hello happy people!

M: I’m happy today. Are you happy today?

P: I am happy today. I have one more day to reach before the end of term and then I have a week of no lectures. So, I’m feeling very positive.

M: Whoop, whoop!

P: Oh yeah, laugh.

M: I make an online purchase –

P: Oh!

M: – for my cats, a scratching post. So, it arrived yesterday and took it out of the box. I put it right next to where they love to hang out. And they have spent 24 hours non-stop… playing with the box.

P: Laughter! It’s like a two-year-old at Christmas.

M: Laugh, it is! Playing with the wrapping paper.

P: Laugh!

M: They’re enthralled, I even put a ball into the box and that just kicked off a whole other round of games.

P: Wow, laugh. What about the scratching post? Where did you put the scratch post? Laugh.

M: It’s just sitting next to the wall, hasn’t been touched. Laugh, unfortunately.

P: Hilarious.

M: But that is joy and play,

P: Mmm.

M: and they’re loving it.

P: Laugh.

M: So, that brings us to what we’re talking about today.

P: Which is…

M: Positive portfolios and how to make a positive portfolio. I am studying at the moment, it’s a year-long course at the Happiness Studies Academy and it’s run by Tal Ben Shahar, who’s the Harvard professor who wrote the book Happier.

M: And last week we covered off positive portfolios, the why, the science and what to do with it. And I just have to share this week –

P: Laugh.

M: – because I’ve gotten started on pulling it together, and it is such a simple thing that can bring so much emotion. I won’t say which ones yet, because we’ll get to that later.

P: Ok.

M: So much good and positive emotion into your life and either for yourself personally or with others. And it’s not something we do that much anymore. In a world of digital lives, we’re not creating tangible portfolios of things in the way that we used to.

P: Are you talking about scrapbooks?

M: …Yes. What was it that women used to make? Some mothers and grandmothers used to make boxes to give to their granddaughters for their wedding day.

P: Oh, the glory box?

M: Yes, Glory boxes!

P: Yes, yes. The glory box is a story.

M: It’s a box of emotions.

P: Ooh.

M: Yes.

P: I’m getting all sorts of images now. Like a little camphor box. My sister had a glory box. It was a camphor thing, and it was huge. All the treasures, all the generational treasures went into it so that when she married.

M: All the hand me downs, keepsakes, all that kind of stuff.

P: Mmm, yeah.

M: So, positive portfolios is what we’re talking about today. This idea came from James Pawelski and Alain de Botton, who are both pioneers in the field of happiness. And I’d actually read one of Alain’s books ages ago on philosophy, and one of the great things about Alain is he’s so well read.

P: Mmm.

M: And he brings together philosophy and psychology and sociology and history and brings them together in so many different and interesting ways. And we’ve got a couple of quotes here from James Pawelski, but really, what we’re talking about and what both of these positive psychology or happiness pioneers are talking about is positive portfolios, and all that is, is a bunch of things that you collect to reinforce an emotion.

P: It’s like picture books. You sort of go back over your picture books to remember events in your life.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: It’s why, before we had the digital age, I remember putting things into photo albums.

M: Yep.

P: And then you’d pull them out when you were having friends over for dinner and go, “let me take you through my trip to Italy.”

M & P: Laugh.

P: Bore everybody for hours, laugh.

M: And then you’d get a slide projector out.

P & M: Laughter!

P: Yes! Slide nights. We had slide nights. They were hilarious.

M: Or do you remember when you were little, burying a time capsule?

P: I never did that. They never got a chance to do that.

M: Things that were important to you.

P: Mmm, mmm. I like the idea, though, pulling something out of 50 years-time.

M: Of things that mattered to you then.

P: Mmm, mmm.

M: There were a couple of quotes you were going to share with us from James Pawelski.

P: There was. So, he’s talking about positive portfolio in the first one, and this one is that it’s a target for a group.

“Brainstorm what music, poems, pictures, letters, emails, cards, objects, and the like you could include in your portfolio. Place your portfolio in whatever binder, folder, or container works best given its contents.” [– James Pawelski]

P: So, that’s the instruction. But then he talks about the positive portfolio is intended to be a verbal, visual and auditory collection of materials conducive of a particular effective state. First, select what particular effective state you would like to practise. Be it Joy, Gratitude, Serenity, Interest, Hope, Pride, Amusement, Inspiration, Awe, or Love.

M: I love it. And those emotions that he’s mentioned there are from Barbara Fredrickson’s 10 big emotions. They’re the big things that are super cool. So, it’s saying again we’ll go again because we’re going to make you guys at home do this. And Pete and I both gotten started on doing this.

P: Laugh. Which is rather fun, I’ve got to say. I actually quite enjoyed this little task. Yeah, it did bring me a lot of joy to be honest. It was like, ‘Oh, this is kind of inspiring.’

M: I’ve loved it as well. So, what emotion did you pick, Pete?  

P: Well, I chose two, but I’m going to choose the one that I did have, which is love. So, a love portfolio.

M: So, the emotions you can pick, the 10 big emotions, according to Barbara Fredrickson, positive emotions, are:  

  • Gratitude,
  • Serenity,
  • Interest,
  • Hope,
  • Pride,
  • Amusement,
  • Inspiration,
  • Awe,
  • Love, and
  • Joy.

P: What’s interest, Marie? What would you put in that?

M: For me, it would be all of these books on positive psychology.

P: Laugh.

M: The practice of doing this podcast just shows my interest in this topic. I went on a bent a while ago with philosophy, which is where I first discovered Alain de Botton.

P: Mmm.

M: And then before that, I went on a classics… and so Jane Eyre and…

P: Oh, wow.

M: Everything that’s on the top 100 books you should read in your lifetime. I read the whole thing.

P: Like I said, you devour books.

M: Laugh, I do. Sometimes it’s been baking and learning how to do the fancy baking. Not so much since I found out I’m gluten intolerant and dairy intolerant because that really limits how much baking you can do.

P: It certainly does limit the baking you can do.

M: Laugh.

P: Yeah, gluten free flours doesn’t behave the same, I’m sorry. Laugh!

M: No, and neither does almond milk compared to normal milk.

P: Laugh, no.

M: Not the same at all. But there are so many things out there, and we talk about nowadays the importance of lifelong learning and having interest. And recently I’ve been really interested and looking into van life and tiny home.

P: Laugh!

M: So that’s been what’s on my YouTube video watching.

P: Ok, yeah, right.

M: So, look I’m one of those people that’s like ‘Ooh, something shiny!’

P: Laugh.

M: And off I go. And at the moment for you, I’d say a lot of what you’re probably finding interesting is through your studies.

P: Oh, completely. Yeah, I’m totally obsessed and a huge nerd. It’s ridiculous. I know everybody in my classes.

M & P: Laugh.

P: [Whispering class-mates] ‘Shut him up!’ Laugh.

M: It’s not about them. It’s all about you.

P: Laugh, I can be selfish? I did. I did make that choice this morning, so we were about to do our lecture and usually I try not to answer all the questions. And my lecturer sent me a private message, and he could see me mouthing the words. He said, ‘Peter, your muted.’

M: Laugh.

P: And I wrote back to say, ‘There’s a reason I’m muted, I don’t want to appear like a Hermione Granger.’

M & P: Laugh!

P: And he wrote back saying, ‘We love Hermione Granger’s!’ So, today I decided to be a Hermione Granger and just answer every single question as it came up, and we got through the lecture in an hour and a half that’s supposed to take two hours.

M & P: Laugh.

M: And you know what, everyone else in the room would have been like, ‘Woo hoo, 30 minutes back!

P: Laugh! There you go.

M & P: Laugh!

P: But we digress. Back to positive portfolios.

M: So, you picked love?

P: I did.

M: And I picked joy.

P: Mmm.

M: So, really keen to just share.

P: Share?

M: We’ve actually had some really great feedback from quite a few of our listeners who, I cannot thank you enough for bothering to listen to little Pete and me.

P & M: Laugh.

P: Always feels a bit embarrassing when people say ‘Oh, I love your podcast.’ And I’m like, ‘Oh, really?

M: Oh, shit. What am I going to say?

P: Laugh. We just chat.

M: Laugh, so this is time for us to share a little bit. So, I’m really keen to understand what your portfolio would look like. So, would you put it in a binder, or is it in a drive or a folder on your computer or is it a physical thing?

P: I think I would have to be a physical thing. Yeah, mine would have to be like a suitcase that you would unpack, and I put items out on a table so that everyone could sort of see what represented, what was representative for me, but also maybe bring their own meaning to it.

M: I love it. So, what would you put in your [love portfolio]?

P: All right. So, the first one, you’re going to laugh at, is massages.

M: Oh, we know that your love language is touch.

P: Laugh, yeah.

M: So, giving or receiving massage?

P: Both. I’ve always said this, and it’s very interesting now that I am studying a different degree and looking at doing a career change. There’s a lot of my long-term clients that are like, ‘are you still gonna massage when you’re a physio and I’m like, Yeah, I’m pretty sure I will, because I love that space. I love the intimacy of it. I love the investment in it. It’s the quiet space. And it’s a non-verbal activity, which I just adore because to me, the body doesn’t lie, laugh.

M: Hold on. So, when I come in and get a massage and just ramble the whole time, you’re like, ‘far out…’

P: Laugh.

M: ‘Shut up.’

P: Laugh, well, you listen to Disney in your massages, so that’s okay.

M & P: Laugh.

M: Okay, So massages in your love portfolio.

P: Definitely.

M: So, what else?

P: Cuddles on rugs, so rugs are a part of it because it’s textural. It’s like I have thick rugs in my house.

M: Tactile.

P: Yeah, very tactile. Big thick shag pile rugs and cuddles on rugs, there’s something about lying on the floor because you’re not incumbered by a defined space. You can roll everywhere, and you can be really physical, and you’re still on the rug. I mean, I have big rugs, so that kind of work for me.

M & P: Laugh.

P: Dinners or picnics, food. Food is very much a part of my love category.

M: You love cooking.

P: Yes, definitely. To cook and sit with a dinner with a loved one is very special. It’s there’s a, there’s a chemistry in it, there’s a visceral partaking of so many senses that are involved with dinners and so forth that I love.

M: So, make sure you keep an eye on your portfolio, so it doesn’t go mouldy.

P: Laugh. That’s all right, every time I open it, I have to cook a new dish that works for me.

M: All right, they don’t stay in the portfolio.

P: Laugh.

M: They get consumed and then logged in words.

P & M: Laugh!

P: Then there’s vistas, so, awe inspiring nature scenes, whether it be an ocean, a mountain. One thing that I’m really missing at the moment is going for a drive in the mountains, and I think that’s a real, that’s something that I would share with love and include in love simply because of the amazing depth of feeling that I get from being out in nature.

M: Would you have to share that with someone for it to fall in your love portfolio?

P: No, definitely not, it’s something that you can do solo that is still involved in love. Yeah, it’s definitely both.

M: Is it self-love? Is that what you’re talking about?

P: Yeah.

M: Freedom for yourself.

P: Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Going for solo drives is a is a bit of a passion of mine. And I’ve done it in Sydney with this lovely Royal Botanical Park, which is down south. And when I first bought my little red convertible, I drove down there with opera playing and the top was down and it was sunny, and I felt so ebullient. It was, it was like I was in a movie set.

M: Mmm.

P: It was so good. And that’s self-love for me. Real treats.

M: Love it.

P: Wine, of course.

M & P: Laugh.

P: More food. Me and my wines. I’ve actually yes, I’ve actually been rediscovering my passion for wine, and it’s, uh yeah, it’s I get inside wine, and I want to get involved with it. Try different things and the colours and the flavours and so forth.

M: Mmm.

P: Linen tablecloths. Again, it’s a textural thing.

M: That mean love?

P: Yeah, that means love for me, because I have the tablecloth, which is a damask tablecloth from my mother that was given to her by her mother when she was 18.

M: See, there’s the love.

P: Yeah, So that’s a love thing.

M: The meaning.

P: Definitely. Yeah. totally. And it’s funny that Mum, I don’t think she ever used it. It sat in the cupboard for years, and she gave it to me, and I used it straight away. I was like, Dinner party, let’s come over and, you know someone spills a red wine stain on it and I’m like, ‘Meh, that’s fine, that’s what bi-carb’s for.’ Laugh.

M: And that’s love. There’s a story behind it now. And you know what? Our parents and our parents, parents, had the good set and the not so good set.

P: Yes! I don’t get this! It doesn’t make sense.

M: It doesn’t make sense to us, because it all costs the same now. And it’s cheap as chips. But for them, you know, you don’t want the kids ruining your fine China when it costs… You know, you get one set for marriage, and that’s it.

P: Yeah. Yeah, I get that it’s precious but.

M: We’re the throwaway generation.

P: Yeah, alright we are.

M: Yeah.

P: But I think I think a good a good cracking of China on a good story because someone got so excited when they were talking about Shakespeare, and they threw the plate against the wall. Well, I think that’s a story, laugh.

M: Yeah, but it never happens that way. It’s that Bob put his elbow down on the edge of the plate and I went flying.

P& M: Laugh!

M: That’s the reality.

P: Laugh, there’s always a Bob.

M & P: Laugh!

M: Yep.

P: Maybe we have different dinner parties.

M & P: Laugh.

P: I have people throwing things at walls, laugh. I do remember a rather wonderful dinner party I hosted in Townsville in my first job. And it was a four-course roast dinner in Townsville, which is, you know, 45 degrees at the best of days.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And we had cigars and we were smoking and having red wine. And the three of us were getting into a bit of an animated discussion, and Avril stood up on the chair to make a point. So, then Benjamin stood up on the chair to make a point as well. And I went ‘Oh, bugger this, if you guys are getting up, I’m getting up.’ So, we all stood on chairs and battered out this argument.

M: Laugh, I was waiting for one of you to fall through the chair, but no?

P: No, completely fine. Laugh.

M: All right. Last one?

P: Sunsets.

M: Oh. I’m glad you said sunsets and not sunrises. Laugh.

P: No, Sunsets. Sunsets, yeah. There’s something very quietly reassuring about a sunset, yeah.

M: All right. I’m gonna fly through my joy portfolio.

P: Ok.

M: But mine includes Martinis.

P: Laugh!

M: And Veuve.

P: Ahh! I’m so glad you said that.

M: The songs that bring me joy, Carl Orff – Carmina Burana.

P: Ooh, oh! [panting]

M: It’s such powerful music.

P: I swear if I was allowed to…

M: And I Love Adiago for Strings as well.

P: Mmm.

M: Lately in the Club by Thomas Newsom, he’s a favourite amongst friends.

P: Mmm.

M: Into the Unknown by Indina Menzel.

P: Laugh!

M: Is also a favourite among friends at the moment.

P: Laugh.

M: For a very long time, Stuck in The Middle with You.

P: Yeah.

M: I used to play volleyball and was a middle blocker and hated it.

P: Laugh!

M: All the Lovers by Kylie Minogue, brings so many good dance memories.

P: Oh! Who doesn’t love Kylie?

M: I was playing that, as we joined today.

P: Laugh.

M: Be our Guest from Beauty & the Beast.

P: Yes!

M: Heaven by DJ Sammy.

P: Oh.

M: And Operation Blade – Public Domain.

P: I don’t know that one.

M: Definitely brings back memories from about 2000.

P: Wow.

M: And we were clubbing a lot at that point.

P: Laugh.

M: So, I’ve got quite a few quotes here as well that just brings me joy, so I’ll read a few of them.

“If you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams, and you’ll always look lovely.” – Roald Dahl

P: Oh, that’s lovely. Oh, that’s good.

M: Okay,

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abraham Lincoln

P: Very true.

M: Yeah.

“When I was five years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wrote down happy. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment. I told them they didn’t understand life.” – John Lennon

P: Laugh! Wow, that’s brilliant.

M: “We don’t laugh because we’re happy. We’re happy because we laugh. –

William James.

P: Mmm.

M: And,

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing.” –

George Bernard Shaw.

P: Yeah, very much agree with that.

M: Immanuel Kant, just new things long before we did. Rules for happiness.

“Something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.” – [Immanuel Kant]

P: Mmm.

M: I think I’ll end with Maya Angelou.

“I laugh as much as I can and cry when I have to, without apology. I think that’s happy.”

P: Ooh, wow. Oh, that’s, that’s lovely.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Yeah.

M: I would include some memorabilia in my box, so I would actually go get one of those dollar shop boxes with a lid.

P: Laugh, yeah.

M: I’d have some photos from my days at George Mason on the volleyball team.

P: Aww.

M: Photos from World University Games and the opening ceremony which had hundreds of thousands of people.

P: Wow.

M: Which was amazing. Getting my black belt and getting my offer letter from Oxford University for Post Grad, that’s in there.

P: Wow.

M: And then photos. All of our overseas trips, our trips to Coffs Harbour, our gold medal at Good Neighbour.

P: Mmm. Laugh.

M: Pretty much any time I’ve been overseas, there are memories there that just bring me so much joy. And then I want to finish by recommending an artist, an Australian artist called Maree Davidson. And she creates amazing cartoon likes somewhat realistic, somewhat cartoon art of animals. So, she’s got a pair of donkeys here and some cute giraffes, and I’ve bought four pieces of artwork from her.

P: Laugh.

M: And they just, they’re slightly childish. But they’re just happy and joyful pieces of art.

P: Yeah.

M: And I love them.

P: Yeah, I love the rabbit.

M & P: Laugh.

M: And so, before we finish, we have this great idea that we’d love to challenge our readers to do.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: And that Pete and I’ve been talking about. So, we’re in lockdown in Australia. But as soon as we’re out, we are going to start curating our own emotion museum exhibitions in our own homes and inviting our friends over to experience these emotions. And so, one of the things that I think is such shame is when people pull together or curate museum exhibitions, they tend to group their exhibitions around things like the period or the medium. It might be all sculptures. It might be all oil on canvas, etcetera, or it might be genre, so it could all be postmodern art.

P: Mmm.

M: And what I love about this is that you’re curating items around, an emotion that you want others to feel.

P: Mmm.

M: And I think we have just decided, and we’re gonna be inviting our friends as well, to pick some of these emotions out of a hat and bring friends over to experience that emotion in a way that is subjective and means something to you but that hopefully you can share with others and you can add music, you can add movies, you could add performances of any kind, artistic performances, as well as do something just as cheap as printing off some prints and hanging them up on the wall to help people feel these emotions.

P: Love it. Very immersive.

M: That’s what I love. As far as your own portfolio goes. If you pick one of those emotions or all 10 and create them, make sure that you go back to them over time and look at them again so that you can re-experience the emotion that goes with that. And it’s something that we’re doing less of nowadays, but it is very important.

P: Yes, tangible. Having something tangible to actually trigger those memories and reflect.

M: Yep, and it’s something that if you are in lockdown, you can still do.

P: Mmm.

M: So, on that note, we’re going to wrap up.

P: Laugh, homework people! Let us know how you go.

M: Do your homework!

P & M: Laugh!

M: And we might actually pay some photos of some of the things in both of our portfolios for everyone to see.

P: Yes.

M: All right. Thank you for joining us, and we’ll see you again next week.

P: Have a happy week.

[Happy exit music – background] 

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic. 

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out. 

M: Until next time. 

M & P: Choose happiness.  

[Exit music fadeout] 

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks! 

Emotional Reframing and Happiness (E81)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about emotional reframing and happiness– it’s not about what happens, but how you frame it. 

Show notes

Cognitive Reframing

Link to article on cognitive reframing 

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: And we’re back again.

P: Howdy, howdy, howdy.

M: Hi, hi, hi.

P & M: Laugh.

P: I’m trying to be really nice and open because it’s a miserable day here in Sydney. Laugh.

M: I think it’s miserable everywhere in Australia.

P: It’s so cold! Eh, true.

M: Yeah.

P: Even if it was sunny.

M: Yeah, pretty much… Well, no… Look, Brisbane might get out of lockdown today.

P: Yay!

M: Possibility?

P: Laugh.

M: Everyone else is going into lockdown. So, you know, poor Melbourne back again. More areas of Sydney, Newcastle, Armidale.

P: Mmm.

M: Yeah. So, this is actually a really good time for us to be talking about emotional framing and reframing.

P: Ooh, reframing. Let me get out my chemistry set, laugh.

M: I kind of go more towards like the pretty pictures on my wall. Do I want a white frame or a black frame?

P: Laughter! Whichever analogy works for you folks.

M: Laugh.

P: This is exactly what we’re talking about reframing. Looking at things from the other point of view, laugh.

M: Exactly. So, I think what we’ve just proved Pete is exactly what this conversation is about.

P: Laugh.

M: Which is that the same event, can be perceived differently by two different people. So, the difference is due to internal factors, and it really comes down to the fact that we’re all unique. We’re all individuals, and we all bring with us a whole lot of emotional baggage, which shapes who we are in both positives and negatives.

P: What are you talking about? I’m not emotional at all!

M: Laugh.

P: She says, casting a thing [rucksack] over a shoulder.

M & P: Laugh.

M: Yes, so we all come with our life experiences and that shapes how we see everyday events and how we live our lives.

P: Very much,

M: So, we all subjectively evaluate our experiences, and we can, unfortunately, shade experiences with negative emotions because we’re seeing things through a negative lens when they’re not actually negative.

P: So true, and it’s interesting that that’s the first place that I went to when you spoke about this reframing. I went, ‘Oh, it’s about the negative, half cup full [empty]’ kind of thing. Let’s flip that on his head, but it goes a little bit deeper than that, Muz. You sort of mentioned that this is not just about being negative and positive.

M: Yes, and look, we’ve had an episode on positive affirmations before, which really kind of rubbed the cynic in me.

P: Laugh!

M: I just felt uncomfortable the whole episode.

P & M: Laugh!

M: And cognitive reframing or emotional reframing also is that borderline. But I think everyone out there knows someone who is just negative, so negative.

P: Mmm, mmm, mmm.

M: And my heart goes out to them in theory in the safety of this conversation, because there has obviously been something that has made them feel that they need to respond that negatively to everything that happens.

P: Yes.

M: And that thing can’t be a good thing.

P: No.

M: Right?

P: Definitely.

M: But gosh, their hard work those people in practise.

P & M: Laughter.

P: They’re energy suckers. If we put it into an energetic context, they are the people that just drain you physically and emotionally, and you come out after 15 minutes with them like Oh my God, I need a martini!

M: Uh huh.

P: Laugh.

M: And you feel like crap sometimes too!

P: You do! People who are aware of this energetic transference call it energy suckers. And it’s this whole thing of pulling from your belly button and they just drain everything from the bottom of your reservoir. Laugh.

M: Absolutely. Yeah. So, for those people, welcome to the show.

P & M: Laughter!

M: Good for you.

P: Can you identify yourself as an energy drainer?

M: Laugh.

P: I don’t think anybody would.

M & P: Laugh.

P: I’m one of those people, I suck… [internet issues]

M: Laugh, you suck.

P: Oh, this is hard. Laugh!

M: Um, I will apologise for everyone. I think we’re doing OK at the moment, but we are having Internet and bandwidth issues in lockdown. So, there might be some conversations that end with Pete saying, “I suck.”

P: Laugh!

M: You know.

P: This could be fun.

M & P: Laugh.

M: All right. So, cognitive reframing it is transforming specific negative events into more positive ones.

P: Mmm.

M: Which sounds like throwing out a memory and recreating it. And it is not that at all. It is not about distorting reality. It is about understanding the bias that we apply to reality and looking through different lenses.

P: Dare I say it? That’s again, the hard work. You can’t just paste something on top of it and go, ‘Oh, I’m just going to change this from an orange lens to a green lens.’ Doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. You’ve actually got to dive a little deeper into that and actually do the work of understanding. And that can be confronting because that brings into play your biases, your prejudices, all those conditional elements that can go right back to your childhood.

M: Oh, absolutely. And that oftentimes are formed in your childhood in your early formative years.

P: Yep.

M: You know, when Sallie Mae dumped you in front of the football team.

P: Laugh!

M: That sticks with you, that hurt. It’s embarrassing. And it’s part of how you’ll relate to other women moving forward.

P: Mmm.

M: Things like that, for instance.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: I don’t know why I went there specifically.

P: Sally Mae, what a mole.

M & P: Laughter!

M: Mole.

P: Laugh.

M: Alright, so from Sallie Mae, we’re going to jump to Lester Levenson. I’m going to tell a little story. There was a gentleman called Lester Levenson, and at the age of 42 he found himself in hospital following his second heart attack.

P: Oof.

M: And the doctors pretty much said, ‘you might have a couple of weeks to live.’ And with no, no additional hope to give him.

P: Mmm.

M: He had major liver problems, ulcers and was also depressed, so he was sent home for bed rest and pretty much told to prepare for the end.

P: Okay, all right, yep.

M: And so, he got home and you know, he was obviously very depressed and contemplating suicide, and that, that really is a shock to the system. That type of thing, right?

P: Mmm.

M: So, he was contemplating life and death and realised that he had so much knowledge that he gained over his 42 years of life. He had been a successful person in life, but he had no knowledge about how to live a good life. And what living a good life meant.

P: Ah. He was following the formula.

M: He had this realisation that, Yep.

P: Laugh.

M: He’d gone to work. He was a typical, I think 1950s or 60s man who had the promising career and a lot of stress and none of the tools at that stage to discuss emotions as many men in that generation, also had.

P: Mmm, very much.

M: And so, in that moment, he decided to dedicate what little of his remaining life he could to understanding what life is actually all about and how he could find happiness.

P: He gave it two weeks?

M: Exactly. And, you know, if it was only going to be two weeks, it was only going to be two weeks.

P: Oh.

M: But, you know, it lit a fire. That death sentence lit a fire in him.

P: Mmm.

M: And he decided he needed to know what lead to happiness and a good life.

P: Mmm.

M: So through – Here’s the good part story.

P: I was about to say we’re going down a really negative path here. Let’s bring some light and colour back in. Laugh!

M: Through years and years of research, and he found that the path to a good life is internal, not external.

P: Mmm.

M: And he started by looking at what made him happy. And he realised that through his very successful life that success has only led to temporary happiness. He thought about being loved as happiness, and we’ve spoken a lot about social bonds and relationships.

P: Yeah, mmm.

M: But he was loved by his friends and family, but he was still unhappy.

P: Mmm.

M: Still depressed. He thought about the joy of camping with his friends and the joy of being with his ex, and he found the unifying theory. So, it’s not being loved. He thought

‘Happiness is when I am loving.’

P: When you’re giving love.

M: And so, he resolved to be loving towards everybody.

P: Fabulous.

M: So, he directed his love towards the doctor that had told him he only had two weeks to live, and he sought to turn the anger that he felt towards that Doctor into love.

P: Interesting.

M: And once he realised that it was about him and not the doctor, he felt that weight lift off his chest.

P: Mmm.

M: And he continued to release the anger, moving slowly to resentment and then finally moving to love and realising that that doctor was trying to do his job and deliver news that he didn’t want to deliver either, that he felt helpless delivering that news.

P: Yeah.

M: And so, this really triggered a cascade of, uh, you know, cognitive reframing within him, which wasn’t a term at that stage.

P: Laugh.

M: And through the rest of his life, he kept asking again, ‘Can I replace this painful emotion with love?’ So, he started looking back through his entire life, and sometimes it took minutes, sometimes it took days to release those negative feelings.

P: Mmm hmm, yeah.

M: He went through his whole memory and transformed his anger to love for all people. And then once he practised that and spent all this time doing that, he’s developed the ability just like training a muscle to do it in the moment.

P: Uh, yeah, that’s a gift. That’s such a gift. And there are people like that who are out there who have this innate ability to look at a situation and go hang on pause. Take the emotion out of it. Let’s look at that a bit more objectively and they turn the situation around. They turn the emotion around and they stop their emotions from ruling their consciousness. And I think that’s the crux of what we’re talking about here. It’s like, Let’s just pause. Let’s not react. Let’s address.

M: Yep, absolutely. So in a way, he healed his heart.

P: Mmm.

M: That broken heart.

P: Laugh. Yeah, though it’s interesting, Marie, because you’re saying he had a two week sentence. And yet now you’re talking about the rest of his life. I mean, how much longer did he live for?

M: So, he did heal his heart and as he let go of that negativity and that anger and resentment and other people and all the things that they had wronged him with. And the things they did wrong at work and the bus driver who was late and all of that. He eventually became a spiritual teacher on all of this, and he died in his eighties.

P: No way.

M: So, almost twice as long as he had previously lived.

P: That’s great.

M: So, he was 42 when the doctor gave him a few weeks to live.

P: Goodness.

M: And we’ve spoken before about happiness, and one of the biggest blockers or stoppers of happiness is negativity and negative events.

P: Oh yeah, oh yeah.

M: And negative affect and if you’re in that spiral and circle of negativity, it’s really hard to be happy. And so, what Lester Levenson did was create a whole movement and books and followers and really kick-started cognitive reframing.

P: Yeah, wow.

M: And he did that by asking himself. So, his technique about reframing is,

‘Can I change this negative feeling into a positive one?’

‘Can I change this feeling of X into a feeling of Y?’

P: Yeah.

M: When he looked at his doctor? ‘Can I change this feeling of anger towards the doctor who gave me information that was bad –

P: Negative and horrible.

M: – to a feeling of love?’ And eventually, when the bus driver was late, he didn’t take that personally.

P: Laugh.

M: He didn’t even get upset about it because he had refrained how he looked at life.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: By doing this activity deliberately over time repeatedly.

P: There’s a really contemporary aspect of this argument who hasn’t got mad at the call centre person.

M: Oh, yes.

P: So you ring up the call centre and you’re so frustrated and I think a really practical example of this is when you’re in that moment, ‘I just want to yell at you!’

M: Laugh, mmm hmm.

P: You have to take it back and go, ‘It’s not this person’s fault.’ This is a person on the other end of the line. So, I think that is an opportunity to exercise this cognitive reframing and go ‘ah, it’s the situation that I’m angry at and frustrated by.’ I need to dial it back, bring the emotion out of it and address how I’m going to overcome the situation rather than trying to make this person on the other end of the line who I don’t even know work with me as opposed to against me. And I think that’s a really practical application of this entire concept.

M: And to take that even further, why are you angry in the first place?

P: Ah, yeah. Well, that’s more of an existential question, isn’t it?

M: Well, not really because if… Do we expect people to be perfect?

P: Mmm, yeah…

M: Do you think that the banker or the bank that you work with or the telco or the power company deliberately cut power to your house this Saturday afternoon.

P: Laugh.

M: Or decided that their technology wasn’t going to work when you needed to make your transaction.

P: Yep sure.

M: There’s actually nothing deliberate and malicious about a lot of the things that make us angry when we call into a call centre.

P & M: Laugh.

P: Yeah.

M: And it’s not about you at all. And some poor person who caused the problem is having a far worse day than you are I’m sure.

P: Laugh!

M: But reframing that into – again what we spoke about a few weeks ago with layers of control, control versus and influence.

P: Yeah.

M: When we talk about that, just letting go of the anger and knowing that there’s nothing you can do about it, especially not at the time.

P: Mmm hmm. Yep.

M: And that it’s not within your control to do anything to fix a lot of these things and that it wasn’t personal at all, that that can be really empowering. So, you don’t have to yell at the person.

P: Laugh, yeah.

M: You don’t even have to try and control that emotion because it’s not there.

P & M: Laugh!

M: I’ve got a quote here from Lester Levenson, I do love that name.

P: Laugh.

M: It’s just old-school.

P: It is.

M: Especially with the black and white pic.

P: Yeah, definitely. It’s this sort of, you know, Clark Gable-esque kind of vibe.

M: Mmm hmm.

M: So he said, Lester said:

P: It’s very Buddhist Marie. It’s a very Buddhist concept as well. The Dalai Lama talks a lot about this in terms of forgiveness and how to approach conflict with a forgiving heart. And, you know, he talks about it a lot in his dealings with the Chinese leadership over Tibet and being able to stand opposite someone and still come at the situation with a forgiving heart. It’s, it’s a huge lesson to learn.

M: And it’s more than anything, when I started looking into forgiveness and it’s one of the chapters in our book, actually, just checking that in there.

P: Laugh!

M: When we started researching forgiveness, one of the things that I’d never stopped to think about was that forgiveness is not about the other person. It’s not about the person who harmed you or hurt you.

P: No, no.  

M: Or whatever it is that they did. It’s about you, releasing that pain and that anger.

P: Absolutely.

M: Yep.

P: I’ve got a great quote from the Dalai Lama on that, and he says, he’s talking about forgiveness, and he says,

“We won’t often get the closure from another that we desire. This means that we must discover it on our own. Forgiveness is how we find peace, no matter if they want to give it to us or not.”

M: I love it.

P: Mmm.

M: It’s about taking back control and not letting that other person dictate your emotions.

P: Completely.

M: But you saying, ‘no, enough is enough. I’m going to be at peace with this and I’m going to move on and not let it be part of my emotional baggage that shapes and taints the way I view the world.’

P: There’s a lot of talk about surrendering and releasing that with behavioural therapists. They talk about standing in the midst of the storm and surrendering to it. Yeah you’re going to get buffeted around you’re going to get blown off your feet. You’re going to get picked up like Dorothy in the vortex of atmospheric pressure.

M: Laugh.

P: Out of Kansas, and dumped down in the land of Oz. Laugh. But if you go, if you don’t fight against it, sometimes it’s best to surrender to it and in that becomes a certain amount of peace and understanding. And with that and then out of that comes opportunity.

M: Absolutely.

P: That’s another conversation, laugh.

M: I guess. Look, we haven’t gone into the how and all of the workings, but there’s a great article which deep dives into this, which we will put into our show notes. So, the article is called cognitive reframing. It’s not about what happens to you, but how you frame it.

P: Mmm.

M: And really, how you frame your life has such an impact on your life.

P: Yes, definitely.

M: Walking around with rose coloured glasses. Even if the world is not rosy right now, it can definitely help with resilience and mental well-being.

P: Yep, hugely.

M: Or even if you’re just kind of in neutral, better than negative.

P & M: Laugh.

M: Because there is a lot going on right now and a lot of people are struggling with their mental health. So, it is really important right now for us to just be a bit more aware, more cognizant of our emotions and of things like this, so that we can potentially make things a little bit better and nicer and shiny.

P: And as the story of Lester Levenson proves:

Unhappy people die!

M & P: Laughter!

P: Our little mantra, laugh.

M: Our mantra? Unhappy people die? Oh dear, laugh.

P: Get happy people!

M: Laugh. I think we need a tag line, Unhappy people die on Happiness for Cynics.  

P: Laugh.

M & P: And on that note – Laughter!

P: Have a happy day!

M: I can’t even say it, bye folks.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

Why You Need to Develop Your Emotional Literacy (E42)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete discuss Emotional literacy and how it’s a critical life skill for kids to allow them to grow into resilient well-balanced, emotionally intelligent adults.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness a holiday wannabe, a Corona free, filigree, apogee, pedigree, epogee. And if anyone can come up with a reference for that, I will send you a present.

[Laugh] Marie’s doing fist punches. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So you’re feeling low.

P: Or if you’re only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it.

M: Or maybe you just want more.

P: Then this is the police to be!

M: And take us one step further on our happiness journey. Today’s episode is all about emotional literacy.

[Happy Intro music]

M: So Pete, emotional literacy.

P: This is a big one. I’m going to take the cynic roll on this one.

M: Oh really!

P: [Laugh] Yeah, I think we flipped. I think I’ve become more of a cynic now, and you’ve become more of the Yogi practising meditative person.

M: No, I’m still not doing meditation.

P: Crap.

M: [Laugh] Not crossing that line.

P: [Laugh]

M: Not that I’m questioning the science.

P: No, no, no, no, but I need to actually get you meditating. It’s going to be a lifelong goal for me. [Laugh]

M: Can you meditate while you run on a treadmill?

P: Eh, you can… It’s very difficult though.

M: Can you do something competitive while meditating? Because then I’m in. [Laugh]

P: Yeah, no, I know your competitive nature, and it’s not gonna work.

Anyway moving on emotional literacy. So when I first heard about this term, emotional literacy, I turned into my mother. I started going ‘pfft, who wants to know about this shit ra, ra, ra.’ You know 1930’s woman. I was very much like, What is emotional literacy? I actually had to go and investigate what it was we were going to talk about this week. So I’m going to take the cynic role.

M: Ah.

P: So Marie, what is this emotional literacy that you speak of?

M: Sure. So I have worked in a corporate environment for too many years, a number of years, and as part of that we do a lot of understanding teams and how teams work together and understanding yourself and looking at neuroscience and psychology. And a lot of the teaming activities that you do in corporate environments rely heavily on decent emotional intelligence and emotional literacy. So for me –

P: -Well emotional intelligence I get, so emotional intelligence is being able to understand feelings and so forth. Let’s get specific about the literacy aspect of it.

M: Yeah.

P: I mean, is this something that I need to read about? Is this something that I need to go and do a two-day workshop on?

M: Not you.

P: [Laugh]

M: However, the thinking is, so words matter.

P: Yeah.

M: Well definitely is an ex journo/ corporate affairs person, So words matter.

P: [Laugh]

M: We’ve done episodes before on positive affirmations and mindset and all of that, and words definitely have an impact on our happiness and or, you know, emotional well-being.

P: Yes.

M: But in order to be able to move through tough times. So we’ve talked about how resilience is your ability bounce back from adverse events.

P: Yep.

M: And we’ve talked about the Kubler Ross change curve in the past-

P: Ooh, I remember that one, yes.

M: -and how you go through all of those emotions to come out the other side. While you’re processing, you need to be able to self assess, and so you have to have a certain amount of emotional intelligence to do that. But step one before you get to any of that stuff that we’ve talked about is simply having the words to describe what’s going on, because we can’t analyse-

P: Stephen Fry would be very proud of you right now.

[Laughter]

M: Why what did I do? It’s about words?

P: Yeah, well is. It’s all about having the vocabulary to be specific about words.

M: Mm hmm.

P: And when I came across the reading over this, it resonated really easily with me because of our vocabulary and our ability to describe what we’re feeling is really important. If you are very specific about the emotion that you’re feeling, it’s much easier to categorise that and look at the possible reasons around why you’re experiencing that emotion.

So frustration is different to anger and being able to differ between the two means you can pinpoint when you’re being frustrated, as opposed to when you’re being angry. And one of them involves a lot less heightened emotion. You can actually be a bit more logical with it, and so you can address those elements. And for me that was the real um… I want to say congruent. But that’s the wrong word. I’m getting too literal now.

[Laughter]

P: I’m getting fancy with my words.

M: It’s the important part.

P: I Think it resonated with me that words are important and that having at vocabulary is really necessary. And this is something that needs to happen as a child, right Muz?

M: Yeah. So the reason that we picked this topic for this episode is a great study that dropped only a couple of weeks ago, and I actually mentioned in our last episode as well. But it comes from the Centre for Positive Psychology at the University of Melbourne.

P: Mm hmm.

M: And so they partnered-

P: My alumni am I now allowed to go [throat clearing noise]?

M: [Laugh] – so they partnered with a bunch of schools through Victoria to do positive psychology interventions focused on emotional literacy and developing kids emotional literacy. And –

P: Can we break that down a bit Muz in terms of positive psychology and emotional literacy? Can we talk just a little bit? Because I think that not all of our listeners may be aware of the link between the two.

M: Sure. What’d you have in mind?

[Laughter]

M: I’m not following where you’re taking me on this yet.

P: Okay, so what I came across when I was reading this report with the fact that they have this term PPI, so Positive Psychology Interventions. Is that correct?

M: It’s an activity. Let’s be really, really clear here.

P: Ok.

M: PPI or positive psychology intervention. It means we’re going to do an activity. And it’s based in the science behind, in psychology. Right?

P: [Laugh]

M: So what we know of positive psychology or the field of psychology that focuses on the positive rather than negative aspect? It’s an activity that is based in science.

P: Alright.

M: So again, this is just saying they did an activity with a whole bunch of kids about helping them to understand and develop their emotional literacy. And by that we mean be able to name and categorise feelings using words.

P: Mmm. There’s a great quote that I’ll grab here when I did some reading on this. And this comes from Claude Steiner, who was the first person to coin the term emotional interest in 1978 and he says that ‘Emotional literacy is the building block of emotional intelligence. When we develop our own emotional intelligence, we can access and develop information about ourselves and, more importantly, others. Without emotional intelligence, emotions remain confusing and misleading, ultimately impacting the relationship we have with ourselves as well as others.’

I really like that little sentence. It combines it all together in a really nice little package about what we’re talking about when we talk about [emotional] literacy, it’s about understanding what we’re feeling and how that affects how we relate to others.

M: Absolutely. And I think that we’ve grown up, particularly in Australia, with the older male generations being told from a very young age not to cry and not to show emotion and to man up. And don’t be a girl.

P: It’s a very British concept that one, may I add? [Laugh] Stiff upper lip.

M: Yes. As a result, not only have they not learned the words to use to name, to even name what they’re feeling

P: Exactly.

M: Because they push it all down deep. They also don’t process as a result, they don’t process those emotions, and you end up with really high rates of suicide in older men, particularly those whether you’ve got that rough culture like in northern Queensland. A lot of farming communities, country communities.

P: Yep, because they can’t deal with, they can’t name these emotions and it all becomes too overwhelming. And it it results in people not being able to cope. And this is why this work is so important.

M: Absolutely.

P: As an artistic lad in Dubbo New South Wales.

[Laughter]

M: You stood out like a sore thumb?

P: Yeah, just a little bit. [Laugh] But I think that’s the funny thing is that that’s why this does resonate with me. I read this and going, ‘Oh, yeah I’ve done this, I get this.’

M: Mm hmm.

P: Because having that understanding and delving into those personal emotions and being able to name them and target them and go ‘no, this is different to frustration versus anger and sadness versus despair. That is important stuff. And I think you’re right, Marie. I think that male, men in the old school world don’t have that ability, and they don’t have that intelligence because they’ve never been exposed to it. It’s like go out and beat the shit out of a punching bag. That’s how you deal with emotions.

M: Or you don’t even acknowledge them, even worse.

P: Exactly.

M: And we’re not talking about writing essays about how we’re feeling.

P: [derisive snort]

M: Exactly.

We’re talking about just simply understanding the difference between grumpy, tired, frustrated, angry and mad or sad, right?

P: Definitely, yeah.

M: Or overwhelmed. Or, on the flip side, how to actually identify good feelings, as well, and to celebrate those good feelings so feeling relaxed, relieved, proud and grateful, hopeful.

P: Yep

M: And being able to communicate that to people around us.

P: I love that love, that idea.

M: And  sharing it.

P: And all the different things of positivity. It’s like there’s a whole cavalcade of experiences out there, it’s not just about being happy. It’s about all those things and I think that’s really important.

M: Yes, definitely. And the other thing that I find really fascinating. So a lot of schools nowadays are trying to help kids label their emotions and articulate what their feelings.

P: I like this direction I like this, fabulous. [Laugh]

M: And the great thing about that is when you’re overwhelmed with emotion, your brain switches to that old evolutionary part of the brain that is driven by needs and instinct. So you’re, you’re just reacting to the feelings you’re not thinking in a logical way. But by forcing someone who’s in that state to label the emotion they’re feeling it switches your, the part of the brain that you’re using into that logical analytical side.

P: Yes.

M: And by default, it actually makes you take more control over that emotion. That might have been overwhelming you before that point.

P: Mmm, mmm, can’t agree more.

M: So if you’re just really angry at something that somebody’s done to you and you feel slighted and you’re just so frustrated and angry and someone says, ‘Just help me out here what exactly are you feeling? The fact that you’ve got to process that and think about it switches you out of that anger.

P: Yep.

M: And already starts to make you feel better and less emotional and less at the mercy of that emotion, and I love that part of this labelling thing.

P: I agree.

M: So there is more science underneath this than just helping you to process it. And the other thing that I love is sharing that emotion in a positive, constructive way it doesn’t involve violence, it doesn’t involve lashing out. It is about sharing that with someone, and there is a… vulnerability to that. That means you’re actually in that moment, if you do it in the right way, bonding with that person as well, and there’s real value and support and connection that can come out of that.

P: And we’ve seen that in so many stories of the troubled kid. I remember teaching a boys dance class in Cornwall, in southern UK with a friend of mine. We were doing a boys only dance project and it was for years 7 to 9. We walked into this studio and we had this giant of the kid. He was 6 ft three and about 95 kg, and all the other kids were like, 5 ft and 26 kg. It was, this guy was a freak and Ben looked at me, and I looked at Ben and said, ‘Okay, what are we going to do with this kid?’ [Laugh]

We were doing partner improvisation, like he was gonna crush everybody and um Ben said, ‘OK, we’re going to throw him in with you.’ And I said ‘Ok, because I can handle 90 kg sure.

[Laughter]

P: And so we put this kid into, to working with me and using him as the demonstrator, and all of a sudden this proud, caring person came out and this kid was running around the entire workshop saying to his fellows, ‘No, no, you need to do it this way.’

And then after the first session, we kind of went into the teacher’s common room and we were sitting there and this person came up to me, said, ‘Oh, you’ve got Gerald in your class.’ And I said ‘Oh yeah, Gerald sure he’s the big kid. ‘We’re so glad he’s out of our class he’s so awkward. He is so difficult to deal with.’ And it was it was so amazing because then I was like ‘No, he’s amazing. He’s just, he’s so good. He’s so involved, is so connected.’ And it just took that change of emotional intelligence of understanding that, Yeah, he’s a big, awkward boy, let’s put him in a role that he can take charge. I’ll put him in a different situation and that changes his whole demeanour, changed his outlook and it changed the way that he interacted with the other kids. No longer was he being scary, man, he was the helper.

M: Yep, I think that shows your emotional intelligence.

P: Well, it does, but it shows the effects that what they’re talking about in the study is that if we can get this information out to kids at that level, when you’re dealing with these emotions and they’re able to identify their emotional states, put words to it and spend the time going ‘no, I’m not angry, I’m frustrated.’ As you said, that lessens the response.

M: Uh huh.

P: And you don’t get the kids who are being violent or lashing out because they’re able to, sit there with their emotions and go ‘no this is what I am and they’re being articulate about it. And that already dissipates the reaction by however many percentages you wanna label it, I would say you know, something like 50%. It makes someone so much more malleable. And so much more easy – not easier to deal with- more approachable you can come at the target together and that is a life lesson. When you go into adulthood having arguments with your spouse or something, being able to sit down and go ‘no, this is what I’m feeling.’

M: Mm hmm.

P: It’s a really important skill.

M: And it goes different ways. It enables people who struggle with saying ‘no’ to get over that as well, so people who have been silenced, who have grown up in families where Children were to be seen and not heard and have been told that achievement is everything and that there’s a certain type that comes out of that type of upbringing.

P: Yeah

M: There’s also a certain type who have never been taught how to label their emotions and work through their emotions because it’s girly or whatever.

P: Yes.

M: Or whatever, you know, insert weird reason here.

P: [Laugh]

M: And they’re the ones that turn to violence because they can’t express themselves any other way, and it bubbles up on boils over. And Australia has a huge problem with family domestic violence.

P: Absolutely. I can’t agree more. And I said that’s why this work is really important. And if we bring it back to the research group that’s in Victoria and they talk about building intentional emotional vocabulary. So we’re giving skills to children in this instance and using the interventions, which is activities as you are saying Muz, as evidence based informed activities to protect an increase our well-being by making us feel better so promoting feeling good and functioning well automatically puts us in a pathway to enhanced well-being. And that comes from the study that we were talking earlier.

M: Listen to you, ‘enhanced well-being’.

[Laughter]

P: It’s so scientific.

M: It make you happier, it makes you happier. Being able to work through your emotions quickly and process them and move forward is far better than staying in that dwelling weird space after a trauma or an adverse event. So it definitely helps to make you happier, which far better right?

P: That’s a brilliant point to end on, I love that. So it’s all good, good activities. Let’s, let’s, let’s finish on that one.

M: So well, we did discuss before we go that we wanted to provide a hint or tip for listeners and I think what we’re talking about here is how can we help kids cope with emotions and deal with emotions better? So, did you have anything you’d like to end with or any tips for parents to help their Children?

P: Talk about it. Talk with your kids about this sort of stuff and give them the vocabulary. So, use words like you would cue cards, give them seven options instead of two options to name their emotions and if you can do that, I think it involves a lot of what we’re talking about here with the positive psychology it’s being specific. They talk about being open minded to other people’s feelings and being aware of your effect on others. That, that emotional, emotional honesty practising emotional honesty is a really big point.

So if you can be specific on particular about your emotions, that means you’ve done the work yourself about what you’re feeling. And if you could encourage that as a parent and speak with your Children about that and be open to it. And if they come up with a word that makes you feel a little bit prickly, then maybe that’s something that really does need to be addressed and looked at.

M: Yep.

P: It’s a vulnerable state, but if you can have those frank conversations and really listen and be present, I think that that’s probably best tip.

M: Yeah, all right, Well on that note we will end today’s show, thank you for joining us today if you want to hear more please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember, you can find us at www.marieskelton.com.

P: If you like our little show, we’d love a review, so please leave a comment or a rating on our podcast app to help us out.

M: Yes, that would make us happy.

P: Until next time…

M&P: Choose Happiness.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article:

Words That Can Change Your Mindset

5 Ways to Overcome the COVID Blues

by

Sick of the COVID Uncertainty and Emotional Roller-Coaster?

Since COVID, nothing is certain, and it’s thrown a lot of us through a loop. For some of us, our emotions are all over the place, up some days and really low the next. For others, we’re just sick of it all and we’re just not feeling like being happy right now. Others are feeling sad, or even angry.

These mood changes are completely normal reactions to change. But you might be wondering why some people seem to be unaffected by all this uncertainty and change.

A lot of the time, those people who are thriving through COVID are the resilient ones, and resiliency is all about habits. It’s about setting up good habits when things are going well, so they maintain your physical and mental health (your resilience) for when things are going bad.

I’m sure I can hear you thinking, “well that’s all well and good, but what if things are crappy now but I never quite got around to setting up habits before?”

The good news is that although you might be feeling low now (or just going through a roller coaster of COVID emotions), there’s never a wrong time to start some good health habits — habits that can help you overcome the COVID blues.

These proven habits are all science-backed and will have a positive impact on your overall mood. Over time, these also help build resiliency, so you’re better equipped to cope with the uncertainty that goes with this new post-COVID world or anything else that 2020 decides to throw our way.

Here Are 5 Ways to Overcome the COVID Blues

You don’t have to practice all of these, just picking a couple that you can work on making into habits in your daily or weekly schedule will give you a huge boost.

1. Start a new hobby or develop a passion

Look for something to get deeply involved in or an activity for you to accomplish over time. Psychologist Mihaly Csíkszentmihályi’s research shows that people who experience a state of flow not only enjoy performing the task more, but they also have increased productivity and satisfaction, and reduced stress while increasing the quality of the output. And now that you’re all grown up, you don’t have to stick with anything if you don’t like it. So, try a social soccer league or learn the piano and the banjo at the same time. Or take a pottery or painting class or learn how to code. And throw them all out if they don’t spark that passion and try something else!

2. Sleep

Sleep and mood are so closely intertwined. We all know that when we get a bad night’s sleep, we can be grumpy the next day. But regularly get sub-optimal sleep also chips away at mood and resilience. So whether you are regularly getting less than 8 hours of sleep, or you go to bed and wake up at different times every night, the impacts are all adding up. The science is clear: the effects of regular, consistent good sleep are hugely beneficial to our happiness and well-being. If you want to focus on your sleep habits, a great app to try is the Sleep Cycle app. Sleep Cycle tracks and analyses your sleep phases, waking you up at the optimal time to help you feel well-rested and ready to tackle the day. It also provides some great insight into how you’re sleeping so you can make improvements.

3. Exercise

Getting just 20 minutes of exercise in your day can boost your mood, and it doesn’t have to be a gruelling marathon run or embarrassing gym class rope climb that leaves you feeling useless. Yes, you can actually enjoy doing exercise! Grab a loved one or put on headphones and call a friend while you do a brisk walk around the neighbourhood. You get brownie points for getting a bit of sun while you’re out too.

4. Offer to help someone else

Performing acts of kindness releases the feel-good chemicals (oxytocin and serotonin), leading to increased happiness, energy, pleasure and creativity. Studies have even shown that being kind increases your lifespan. So reach out to an organisation that you believe in or with which you might have a good skill match and spend some time giving back.

5. Start a gratitude journal

UC Berkeley’s Summer Allen writes that grateful people are happier, more satisfied, less materialistic and have better mental and physical health.  And it doesn’t have to be hard. One study showed that participants who kept a gratitude journal weekly for 10 weeks or daily for two weeks experienced more positive moods, optimism about the future, and better sleep.

Share your tips below for how you overcome the COVID blues!

Related reading: Practicing Gratitude: Why and How You Should do it