Unapologetically Marie

Writer, podcaster, mental health advocate

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Need a wellbeing boost? Get out to volunteer! 

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The case for volunteering 

If you do one thing this year to boost your wellbeing, make it volunteering.  

National Volunteer Week is an opportunity to celebrate and thank people all around the world who dedicate their precious time and efforts to voluntary service. It’s also a great opportunity to remind you that volunteering can have a huge impact on your happiness levels!  

According to Dr Dawn Carr, author of 5 reasons why you should volunteer, volunteering has been shown to:  

  1. Connect you to others  
  1. Be good for your mind and body 
  1. Advance your career  
  1. Bring meaning and fulfilment to your life  
  1. Be good for society (of course!)  

Not only that but finding the right volunteering activity can also give you the benefits of other proven positive psychology activities such as finding purpose, being social, being generous and practicing kindness – which have all been shown to also improve mood, mental wellbeing, resilience, physical health and even longevity. 

So, kick back and celebrate National Volunteer Week with us by exploring the science behind volunteering, and find out how you can achieve a happier, healthier life. Read on! 

Related reading: Volunteering and Happiness: Why Volunteering is The Superfood of The Positive Psychology Movement 

What the science says about volunteering 

It’s what we do… we look at the science, so here are a bunch of studies about the benefits of volunteering that we think are pretty cool. Read on! 

A quick rundown of the major benefits 

It’s scientifically proven that you can find your own happiness by helping others. Studies suggest that helping others can increase your happiness and improve your health. A growing body of research indicates that volunteering provides not just social benefits but individual health benefits as well. Research from the UK found that volunteering was associated with a positive change in mental wellbeing, showing that people who volunteer become happier over time and those who volunteer more attract greater benefits from the experience. Additionally, economists Stephan Meier & Alois Stutzer released a study in 2004 which concluded that, “volunteering constitutes one of the most important pro-social activities and helping others is the way to higher individual wellbeing.” They found robust evidence that volunteers are more satisfied with their life than non-volunteers.   

Volunteering is the new black 

Released in March 2022, The World Happiness Report 2022 showed us that more than ever, people around the world are prioritising benevolence. This annual global study found remarkable worldwide growth during 2021 in all three acts of kindness monitored in the Gallup World Poll: helping strangers, volunteering and donations. All three measures were strongly up in every part of the world, reaching levels almost 25 per cent more than at pre-pandemic times. “This surge of benevolence, which was especially great for the helping of strangers, provides powerful evidence that people respond to help others in need, creating in the process more happiness for the beneficiaries, good examples for others to follow, and better lives for themselves,” says report co-author, John Helliwell. 

Volunteering brings us closer to others 

A study published in the Journal of Individual Differences, called “Selflessness and Feeling in Harmony with Others Coincides with Greater Happiness,” suggests there’s more to happiness than feeling satisfied with one’s life. The study found that experiencing the self as interdependent coincided with increased happiness through feeling greater harmony with others.  

Cause and effect –aren’t happier people just more likely to volunteer 

For decades there has been a lot of cynicism around positive psychology research. When the many benefits of volunteering started being reported upon, many people asked (and rightly so) whether volunteering really makes people happier, or was it simply a case of happier people being more likely to volunteer? Thankfully a study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies and aptly titled “Does Volunteering Make Us Happier, or Are Happier People More Likely to Volunteer? Addressing the Problem of Reverse Causality When Estimating the Wellbeing Impacts of Volunteering,” helps to answers this question. It turns out there is strong correlation and so we can say, without a doubt, on volunteering makes people happier. Not only that, but the study also showed the association between volunteering and subjective wellbeing, and its equivalent wellbeing value of £911 per volunteer per year on average to compensate for the wellbeing increase associated with volunteering. Also, according to another study, this time from Harvard, volunteering at least once a week yields improvements to wellbeing equivalent to your annual salary doubling!  

Volunteering gets you out of your own head 

Finally, we know that similar to when we experience awe, volunteering can take your focus away from your own self-reflection and help to stimulate contentment and inspiration. So, if you’re feeling down, or in a rut, try finding somewhere to volunteer your time. In the Journal of Happiness Studies, researchers Douglas A. Gentile, Dawn M. Sweet and Lanmiao He again found that doing good deeds through acts of charity or volunteer work can make you feel better and happier, and they also found that simply wishing someone well can have a similarly positive effect on our moods. In fact, even witnessing acts of kindness produces oxytocin, which aids in lowering blood pressure, and improves self-esteem, optimism and our overall heart-health.  

A 2018 study on workers in a Spanish Company saw those giving out acts of kindness were even happier and more content than those who received the acts. “Our results reveal that practicing everyday pro-sociality is both emotionally reinforcing and contagious inspiring kindness and generating hedonic rewards in others,” said researchers, J. Chancellor, S. Margolis, K, Jacobs Bao, S. Lyubomirsky in the American Psychological Association Journal. 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Get a weekly dose of happiness by subscribing to the Happiness for Cynics podcast and email newsletter!  

Volunteering and Happiness: Why Volunteering is The Superfood of The Positive Psychology Movement

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International Volunteer Day takes place every year on 5 December. It’s an opportunity to celebrate and thank people all around the world who dedicate their precious time and efforts to voluntary service. It’s also a great opportunity to remind you that volunteering can have a huge impact on your happiness levels! 

What’s the Link Between Volunteering and Happiness? 

Volunteering is like the superfood of the positive psychology world. According to Dr Dawn Carr, author of 5 reasons why you should volunteer, volunteering has been shown to: 

  • Connect you to others 
  • Be good for your mind and body
  • Advance your career 
  • Bring meaning and fulfilment to your life 
  • Be good for society (of course!) 

Not only that but finding the right volunteering activity can also give you the benefits of other proven positive psychology activities such as finding purpose, being social, being generous and practicing kindness – which have all been shown to also improve mood, mental wellbeing, resilience, physical health and even longevity. 

Not convinced? Let’s dig a little deeper into what’s going on and how you can use volunteering to achieve a happier, healthier life. Read on! 

4 Ways Volunteering Make us Happier 

Does volunteering make us happy? The answer is a resounding yes!  

Volunteers have greater levels of happiness, life satisfaction, and psychological wellbeing than those who don’t volunteer. Here’s how: 

1. It Connects you with Other People 

Volunteering is arguably the best way to engage with your community. Making friends takes time but getting involved in an activity with other people gives you a reason to keep coming back each week while relationships deepen. Whether strengthening old bonds or meeting new people, working together over a shared interests connects you to people and that boosts overall happiness. 

In fact, economists Stephan Meier & Alois Stutzer released a study in 2004 which concluded that, “volunteering constitutes one of the most important pro-social activities and helping others is the way to higher individual wellbeing.” They found robust evidence that volunteers are more satisfied with their life than non-volunteers.  

Are you shy? Want to meet new people but hate walking into networking events alone? Volunteering is a great way to meet new people and work on your social skills in an environment with little pressure. Don’t know what to say to your new contacts? Simple. You can just focus on the task at hand until you get to know everyone a bit better. After some time, progressing to drinks at the pub or dinner after work will seem natural.  

2. It’s Great for Your Mental Health 

If volunteering keeps people connected, then it stands to reason that volunteering – and the relationships it fosters – can also help to improve mental health by combatting loneliness and depression. Having good friends and strong social contacts are buffers against depression – allowing people to talk through issues and problems before they become overwhelming.   

Not only that, but our brains are wired for social connection, so whenever we help others our brain releases pleasure hormones– further strengthening our mental health. Those meaningful connections can also lead to more empathy, which lead to more stress relief and help combat depression. Research from the UK found that volunteering was associated with a positive change in mental wellbeing, showing that people who volunteer become happier over time and those who volunteer more attract greater benefits from the experience. According to a Harvard study, volunteering at least once a week yields improvements to wellbeing equivalent to your annual salary doubling! 

Additionally, being helpful stimulates pleasure for the giver. Similar to when we experience awe, volunteering takes your focus away from self-reflection and helps to stimulate contentment and inspiration. In the Journal of Happiness Studies, researchers Douglas A. Gentile, Dawn M. Sweet and Lanmiao He found that doing good deeds through acts of charity or volunteer work can make you feel better and happier. They also found that simply wishing someone well can have a similarly positive effect on our moods. In fact, even witnessing acts of kindness produces oxytocin, which aids in lowering blood pressure, and improves self-esteem, optimism and our overall heart-health. 

A 2018 study on workers in a Spanish Company saw those giving out acts of kindness were even happier and more content than those who received the acts. “Our results reveal that practicing everyday pro-sociality is both emotionally reinforcing and contagious inspiring kindness and generating hedonic rewards in others,” said researchers, J. Chancellor, S. Margolis, K, Jacobs Bao, S. Lyubomirsky in the American Psychological Association Journal. 

3. It’s Great for Your Physical Health  

As many of us have noticed over the past few years, just getting out of the house is important for meeting the minimum movement levels we need to maintain a basic level of physical fitness…. Yet sometimes it’s just easier to sit on the couch. Having something to do and get us out of the house – such as a regular volunteering commitment – is a great way to ensure you get some movement into your days. 

We know that getting more movement and exercise into our daily lives helps to combat a raft of diseases and conditions. Movement, and volunteering in general, has also been shown help lessens symptoms of chronic pain and reduces risk of heart disease. For retirees, the results of regular volunteering are even more pronounced, with studies showing regular volunteering yields improvements in blood pressure and chronic pain, and reduced risk of developing cardiovascular disease.  

In 2017, researchers looked at data on volunteering, employment and health of more than 40,000 European citizens. They found that volunteers are as healthy as non-volunteers who are five years younger. The researchers controlled for other determinants of health (gender, age, education level, migrant status, religiosity and country of origin) and found that volunteers were still in substantially better health than non-volunteers.  

Although the researchers found that increases in health could be partly explained by higher income among volunteers (which could be explained by the benefits of volunteering on job prospects), they note that the direct association between volunteering and health was so highly statistically significant that it ruled out association by coincidence. Volunteering conclusively and positively impact our health. 

“Firstly, volunteering may improve access to psychological resources (such as self-esteem and self-efficacy) and social resources (such as social integration and access to support and information), both of which are found to have an overall positive effect on health,” said professor Sara Willems. “Secondly, volunteering increases physical and cognitive activity, which protects against functional decline and dementia in old age. Finally, neuroscience research has related volunteering to the release of the caregiving-related hormones oxytocin and progesterone, which have the capacity to regulate stress and inflammation.” 

4. It Can Help Your Career  

Want to switch careers or industries, or build new skills for your next promotion? Think of volunteering as an unpaid internship, with all the benefits of gaining valuable skills while only working when it suits you. There are many organisations that will take eager, hard workers with little to no experience, or which are willing to take a bet on a worker who brings transferable skills from a different industry.  

Volunteering in a busy environment can enhance your problem-solving and communication skills. This can prepare you for a more demanding career or give you a glimpse of the realities of different role before you take the plunge. 

Volunteering can help you earn more experience and direct job skills that are relevant to the career you want to pursue. In fact, some volunteering opportunities are designed to offer intensive training to volunteers. In some cases, if you show determination and consistent results, you might earn a referral or a direct job posting. If you are an active job seeker, volunteering can add that much-needed weight to your CV. Finally, it helps you make connections and meet more people in the same field. This exposure increases your chances of finding a mentor who can shape your career faster or a potential new boss. Career fulfillment is a huge source of meaning, purpose and life satisfaction – especially in the modern competitive job market – so any attempts to bring you closer to a job you’re passionate about are well worth the effort! 

Finally, the research showed that volunteers have a higher incomes. According to professor Stijn Baert: “This finding corroborates with previous research showing that volunteering activities on one’s CV yield higher employment opportunities, especially for non-natives.” 

Volunteer Opportunities 

It’s clear that volunteering involves more than meets the eye. All of the benefits discussed here culminate in an increased level of happiness in oneself and more satisfaction in life. So, how do you get started? 

If you’re already working for a large corporate, many of them have partnerships where you can donate your time and skills. Otherwise, just get onto Google. There are many organisations and charities that are often on the lookout for volunteers. Why not look for opportunities to: 

  • Mentor someone 
  • Donate blood 
  • Get involved in a charity day at your work such as Australia’s biggest morning tea or join in a fundraising walk or cycle, or grow a mo for Movember 
  • Find an organisation you believe in or support and offer your time and skills on a regular and recurring basis 

If you’re in Australia, check out your state-based organisation or NSW Volunteering for more ideas and active volunteer jobs listings. Or you can try my latest favourite organisation: The Australian Resilience Corps. 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!  

Fighting the Loneliness Epidemic (E94)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about fighting the loneliness epidemic and discuss 12 silver linings of positive solitude.

Show notes

12 Silver Linings of Positive Solitude 

  1. Self-Connection 
  1. Autonomy 
  1. Self-Determined Motivation 
  1. Competence/Skill-Building 
  1. Self-Growth 
  1. Felt Efficacy 
  1. Self-Reliance 
  1. Freedom from Pressure 
  1. Self-Reflection 
  1. Appreciation of the Environment 
  1. Spirituality 
  1. Peaceful Mood 

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]  

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: Welcome back.

P: Hi hi hi!

M: And it’s another sunny day in Sydney.

P: Aaahhh… Beautiful, Lovely. It’s slightly windy, but you know, it’s good for the sailing ships.

M: Is it?

P: All those people are in the harbour that are sailing their yachts.

M: I guess…

P: Laugh.

M: Is really strong wind good?

P: Is it that strong?

M: I think it is pretty strong.

P: Palm trees are flowing everywhere… So, it is a bit strong.

M: Mmm.

P: Yeah.

M: Sailing is not my thing.

P: Laugh.

M: I’ve been sailing… once. And that was about it.

P & M: Laugh.

P: It’s a nice image to go with anyway. Somewhere, someone is enjoying the wind. Kite flyers will enjoy the wind.

M: There you go.

P: Yeah.

M: Unless there’s too much wind again.

P: Laugh.

M: Then that’s not good, cause a kite dive bombs.

P: I see images of Mary Poppins.

M: Laugh.

P: And being taken off by the wind.

M & P: Laugh.

M: We lost Mary!

P: Laugh, goodness me!

M & P: Laugh!

P: I’ve got something to share this week.

M: Oh!

P: A little tip for happiness.

M: Please do share.

P: Yeah. I was talking with a friend of mine, and she has a little happiness moment with her daughter every night, and it comes up with the Facebook reminder photos.

M: Aww. Yes.

P: So those little reminders that come back from your memory. So, she sits down with her daughter every night and goes, Okay, what are we remembering tonight? And an image will come up. And sometimes for Lucia, she doesn’t know Sandara’s pre-Lucia history. So, it’s a really nice way for Sandara to share with her daughter about ‘Oh, this is when I used to do this’ or ‘this is this person that I knew in this country’ and they have a really lovely little moment.

M: Aww.

P: And it’s their moment of appreciation and thankfulness for experiences.

M: I love it. There’s a great site launched recently, and it is about photos that bring you joy and happiness.

P: We talked about that once in an episode.

M: Yeah, we did a while ago. Every now and then I get an email and I go and have a squiz, you know, and it’s not only people posting photos of their pets, so there is more to it –

P: Laugh!

M: – than that, laugh. But again, photos and photo-taking we’ve discussed many times. There’s been lots of surveys and lots of research into the impacts of taking photos.

P: Mmm.

M: So, yeah, that’s a good one.

P: That’s a nice way to connect and it’s really easy.

M: Yep.

P: You can do it.

M: Yeah, and the benefit is to go back. So, now that everyone’s gone digital, we’re not pulling out the old photo albums and have people come around.

P: Yes, slide nights. Remember slide nights? Laugh.

M: Yep, laugh. Who can forget them.

P & M: Laugh!

P: Because we weren’t there when you went to Malta.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Laugh.

M: I think, you know, being able to pull your phone out and still take some [photos] through your trip or something definitely has benefits.

P: Mmm, definitely. And it’s one of the uses of social media, which I still subscribe to, even though I’m very anti- social media. When I when I take a trip, I do publish because it’s the way that a lot of my family see my trip.

M: Yep.

P: And they like to see it as well.

M: Plus, when you do publish, you get the reminders.

P: Exactly that’s, that’s very true.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So, it did make me think of that when I was talking to Sandara last week, so thank you for that, it was lovely.

M: All right. So, what are we talking about today?

P: Oh… What are we talking about today? I’ve forgotten already, laugh.

M: We’re talking about solitude and loneliness.

P: Laugh. That’s right. And positive solitude.

M: Yes. We’re talking about, one of the three pillars that we talk about, which is strong social connections, which has been proven time and time again to be one of the most influential factors in someone’s happiness.

P: It’s in the top three, isn’t it?

M: It is number one.

P: Oh, laugh.

M: So, we’ve got three pillars. This is one of them, and it is number one out of the three.

P: Laugh.

M: And if you look at the Harvard Longitudinal Study and it showed, it’s the longest study of its kind, looking at how long people live, how healthfully they live and how happy they are over their lives and those with strong social connections beat everyone else hands down.

P: The quality of life in their senior years particularly, was so much stronger and better.

M: Yes, from a physical health point of view as well as mental health. So, being lonely, we’re back here again, Pete.

P: Laugh.

M: Being lonely kills.

P: Mmm, yes. It does people. People die.

M: So, we’re talking today about the social connection pillar and two studies that have come out recently. So, the first one is all about the silver linings of solitude, and it found that alone time during covid was a rewarding experience for many.

P: Mmm.

M: So, we’re actually delving into the nitty gritty of these statements. You know, relationships are important. It’s a very broad-brush statement.

P: Laugh.

M: So, we’re trying to deep dive today into how come so many people experienced positive outcomes from being socially isolated.

P: Laugh. It doesn’t seem like the right thing, does it?

M: It’s completely backwards.

P: Laugh.

M: And there are reasons, and the reasons are that solitude and loneliness are two very different things.

P: Mmm, yeah. It’s good to be very clear about that, because loneliness is debilitating in all forms.

M: Yep.

P: But I think that solitude has this positive aspect to it, which is what the study talks about.

M: Yep, and really, it’s talking about the difference between being alone and being lonely.

P: Mmm.

M: And you can be alone. And as an introvert, I gravitate towards activities I do by myself.

P: Yep.

M: And love that time. And I wouldn’t say I’m lonely during those times.

P: Yeah.

M: Because when I’m lonely, I go seek out people. And in fact there are almost two different sides of that spectrum for me. So, if I’m lonely, I’ll go seek out people. if I want alone time, I don’t want people.

P: Mmm. It is a balancing act. It’s really a seesaw because you need to have both in your life. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing to be lonely for a very short period of time. Because if it propels you forward to create more social connections and remember to keep those connections happening, that’s a really good outcome.

M: Mmm hmm. Yep.

P: But it’s that, as I said, it’s a short term, and alone time is brilliant. It’s like being bored. It leads to something creative. It leads to something else, it leads to finding solutions or investing in self-reflection or meditation, or something that you wouldn’t do if you were distracted by other people.

M: Yep, absolutely. So, the researchers call it positive solitude.

P: Mmm, I like that.

M: Yep. And so what they have found and what positive solitude studies in general have found, is that many people flourish when they’re alone and thrive on the autonomy of not being with others.

P: Laugh. Marie’s putting her hand up here.

M: Absolutely, so I am definitely happier being stuck in a corner, doing my work by myself and not being bothered by people.

P: Laugh.

M: I love all my colleagues, don’t get me wrong, but a day full of meetings is draining for me, whereas a few hours in the afternoon, uninterrupted by anyone where I get to deep dive into work and find flow.

P: Mmm.

M: That is what brings me joy and satisfaction. And a lot of people discovered that when they went into lockdown, they also found enjoyment out of doing activities by themselves.

P: Mmm. Well, it’s interesting with the study because she talks about the lack of commute time or the lack of enforced alone time. And I was interested in that aspect because for me being on a tube going to work, it’s not the same as having a half hour to myself on the balcony at home, different parameters of… concepts of time, I think.

M: I think… it is different, but I have found that being able to put headphones on, on a bus can give me that same me time.

P: Yeah, totally agree with you.

M: They are different, though, and again, I think the bus is a very short term or the tube, short term amount of time. But there is something lovely in the morning when you are communing with being able to put your headphones on and tune out the world and listen to your favourite podcast or show or whatever it is that you’re doing.

P: Yeah, I learnt that last year with my drive to Uni. I thought, ‘Oh my God, 45 minutes, I’m going to go ah!!!’ And then I actually learned to just chill out, laugh.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So, I’d put some queen on and put the top down and sing to my heart’s content.

M: Yep.

P: And that was really beneficial at 7:30 in the morning.

M: And again, there’s something lovely about that time and you can make it me time.

P: Yes.

M: Rather than a stressful commute.

P: Mmm, yep.

M: Yet again, I agree with you. It’ll never compare to just having 30 minutes at home by yourself because.

P: Yep.

M: Because you can’t really walk around in your underwear eating straight out of the peanut butter jar.

P: Laugh. Yeah.

M: On a bus!

P: Don’t laugh, people. You know it’s true. You all want to do it!

M & P: Laugh!

P: And I’m all for it. I’m all for those indulgences. I think that’s great. My poor housemate sometimes catches me in the middle of it.

M: Laugh. What this study found was for those with self-determined motivation, which has a lot to unpack. For those with self-determined motivation, solitude was a catalyst for self-growth and having more alone time gave them a chance to focus on skill building activities without interruption.

P: Mmm.

M: So, this is about the people who found motivation during lockdown, and a lot of people didn’t.

P: Yes.

M: And they floundered. But there was a subset of the population who found that during lockdown, they we’re motivated, and they experienced 12 different types of benefits to being in lockdown and having that alone time forced upon them.

P: Mmm, so does it come down to personality type?

M: Absolutely, yes.

P: Yeah, right. So, a certain personality type is more susceptible to loneliness, as opposed to –

M: Aah, I wouldn’t say that necessarily. To being motivated or demotivated by change.

P: Mmm.

M: To making the best of it into being optimistic and finding a way through versus being overcome by anxiety or the situation and not being proactive.

P: Mmm. I wonder if that’s trainable.

M: Optimism definitely is. And if I haven’t mentioned it before, I’ll mention it again. Down in Melbourne, Victor Perton has a great organisation called the Centre for Optimism. It’s a small membership fee, and they bring in experts from around the world and you can tune in on a lunchtime or an evening session. They’ve got great talks and it’s all about how to change the way you think.

P: That’s brilliant.

M: Yep.

P: So worthwhile, if I guess, if you are predetermined, predestined for that other side of loneliness then maybe that’s something to invest into.

M: Not so much loneliness, but optimism or not. And that optimism really dictates how you respond to what happens in your life.

P: Yeah, and we know that it’s our responses that determine our emotions.

M: Exactly, yeah. And so, if you shut down when lockdown happened for whatever valid reason, there was a lot going on, right?

P: Definitely, yeah.

M: So there’s no judgement at all there. But if, if you shut down as a result of lockdown and stopped reaching out to people and really just let the anxiety and the fear and the sadness overwhelm you, then that could lead to loneliness.

P: Yes, definitely. This is a technique that you can use to maybe interrupt that.

M: Absolutely. Whereas the optimists went, all right, how many fancy dress WebEx meetings can I set up?

P: Laugh!

M: How am I going to make sure that I get through this and I bring my friends through and my family through it, in a positive mental health space?

P: Mmm, mmm.

M: So, really I think the motivated individuals that they’re talking about here had 12 benefits and we won’t go into too much detail. But I will read out the 12 benefits.

P: Sure.

M: So, one is self-connection. So, connecting with yourself. Two [is] autonomy. So, really we’ve spoken a lot with meaning and purpose about the need for, and flow for autonomy and control at times.

P: Yep.

M: Three is self-determined motivation. So, it’s not me telling you, Pete, don’t be so lonely, talk to people?

P: Laugh! Cause that’s how it works.

M: Laugh.

P: Ok.

M: Sure.

P & M: Laugh.

M: And anyone who’s ever tried to tell a teenager to do something will know, it just doesn’t happen.

P: Laugh.

M: So, self-determined motivation is number three.

P: Yep.

M: Four is competence or skill building. I think, Udemy, which is an online learning platform, doubled their course –

P: Oh, really? Wow.

M: – their course sales when covid hit.

P: Gosh.

M: Five, self-growth, which is very closely tied to skill building but probably a bit more in the self-help category.

P: Yep.

M: Six is felt efficacy.

P: Oh, felt efficacy.

M: Yes. So again, there’s a lot in here about just being aware of yourself and your growth and your needs. And so, a lot of people have spent a lot of time understanding themselves better and knowing themselves better.

P: Knowing their strengths.

M: These people are efficient and feeling their efficacy.

P: Ok.

M: Self-reliance is number seven and again so great to build those skills and to do all those DIY projects –

P: Yeah.

M: – and learn how to make sour dough bread –

P: Laugh.

M: – and garden.

P: But know that you are okay on your own.

M: Yeah, number eight, this one was great for me, freedom from pressure.

P: Oh, that’s a lot to unpack.

M: I didn’t have to make excuses to not go out.

P: Laugh. Oh, yes. I’m feeling that today actually.

M & P: Laugh!

M: You’re coming up to exams, aren’t you?

P: Yeah, I had a little moment today, ‘I just want to go on my own! I need everyone to stop!’ Laugh.

M: Absolutely. So, number eight freedom from pressure.

P: Mmm.

M: Number nine, self-reflection. Again, you know, they’re all interlinked.

P: Yeah.

M: Ten, appreciation of the environment.

P: Oh, yes. That’s a big one.

M: Yep.

P: A lot of people found out things like, ‘Oh, there’s a park behind me that I can walk in because it’s the only thing I can do.’

M: Yep. Or even just, you know, I actually sat down, and I really, am very lucky that I live in the house I live in. So, the environment that I’m in, I’m so grateful for.

P: What I have at my fingertips.

M: Yep.

P: Yeah.

M: Number eleven, spirituality. A lot of people reconnected with self and spirit and with their faith.

P: Yep.

M: And then twelve, peaceful mood.

P: Oh, that’s very generic.

M: Well, I think for me not feeling pulled in a million directions to do you really gave me a sense of calm.

P: Yeah. Well, everyone’s always saying, if only we had four more hours in the day.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Maybe you just need to be more selective to give yourself permission to give yourself more time?

M: Yeah, but then you’ve got the pressure to say yes and all of that stuff that gets added on.

P: Yeah.

M: So, I think people were freed from all of that extra expectation placed on them.

P: Yeah, obligation.

M: And they were just able to be –

P: More peaceful, yeah.  

M: Just able to be.

P: I wonder if that’s something that people are going to hold onto as we come on the other side of this.

M: I definitely [will].

P: Yeah, I think people make more of those conscious decisions.

M: To not do things.

P: To go, ‘No, I’m not going to buy… I’m not going to cover that up. I’m going to give myself that hour or hour and a half on my own.’

M: Well, I’ve actually gone into my calendar and put once a month for me time.

P: Yes!!

M: And a whole weekend, a whole weekend where I don’t commit to [anything].

P: Love it.

M: It’s not that I don’t love catching up with friends going out to dinner, going to theatre, but there comes a time where I’m like ‘I’m exhausted by this.’

P: I feel sometimes, I mean, this is the funny thing. You say all that and I’m like Marie’s always taking me places.

M & P: Laugh!

P: You’re always sending me invites.

M & P: Laugh!

P: And I’m supposed to be the extravert!

M & P: Laugh!

M: You’re just busy. All right, we’ll keep moving. So, obviously the people who did this study did realise that there is also a dark side to solitude.

P: Mmm.

M: So, we’ve talked about positive solitude.

P: Yep.

M: But a 14-year-old in the interviews mentioned quote, “I miss my friends and being able to interact with them.” And then a 37-year-old said, “For a long while I was fine, spending time by myself, as I’m a loner by nature. However, recently I felt very frustrated and angry that I don’t have any friends to call on.”

P: Yeah.

M: So, there is a real sharp edge that you can get to and fall off very quickly.

P: Yes.

P: And that’s the investment in those social connections.

M: Yes.

P: You have to keep them going. So, when the time comes where you do need to reach out, you have one or two there.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: That’s the important message people. And I know I’m banging; I’m getting excited people!

M & P: Laughter!

M: I’m going to have to tape your hands –

P: No!

M: – behind your back.

P: I want to move and be free and express myself, laugh.

M: All good. All right, So the second study is supporting very much the tried-and-true social connections are an important message that we –

P: Yes, this is the science.

M: Yes, the science.

P: We love this.

M: Laugh. So, there’s a recent study that took blood samples from older adults who have experienced social isolation, and they had higher levels of two biomarkers of inflammation. So, I’m going to try and pronounce them interleukin-6 and C-reactive protein.

P: Yes.

M: So, this was published in the Journal of American Geriatrics Society, and it looked at the negative long-term consequences of social isolation and the health of older people as they age.

P: Mmm.

M: And they looked at 4,648 Medicare beneficiaries aged 65 years and older. So, I think it’s, again we talk about the interlinking between mental health and physical health.

P: Yes.

M: And how in Western society we are only just waking up to how everything is connected. Mind and body, Eastern philosophy and Eastern medicine got there millennia before us.

P: Way back, laugh. 1000 years ago, they were there.

M: Yeah, so this is just another study that shows that loneliness and its impacts on our mental health has a physical impact on our bodies.

P: It predisposes us to inflammatory agents within our blood plasma interleukin-6 is a precursor to the C-reactive protein.

M: Oh, we’ve got him started.

P & M: Laugh!

P: It’s getting interesting, laugh! But these things are happening because of what’s going on with our mental capacity and our mental health.

M: Yeah.

P: They are the biomarkers that make us more disposed to experience inflammation and inflammation is such a big issue with so many people when they’re feeling low.

M: Yeah, the lead author, Thomas Cudjoe says,

“Our findings demonstrate an important association between social isolation and biological processes. This work is a step in the journey to disentangle the mechanisms by which social isolation leads to higher levels of morbidity and mortality.”

P: Totally linked. Yep.

M: Loneliness kills.

P: It does, people die.

M: Yep.

P: And we don’t say that lightly. It’s so true.

M: Absolutely, so this is the research showing why, as we get older building houses and homes that encourage social interaction.

P: Yes.

M: Rather than high rises where you never see your neighbours.

P: The density and all that sort of stuff.

M: All of those types of things for urban planning that we talk about and then investing in a lot of relationships and activities you can continue to do into your seventies, eighties and nineties.

P: Yep.

M: So important.

P: That sense of community and that supportive framework and parks and gardens.

M: And having an opportunity to meet new people on a regular basis, participating in your local RSL or whatever it is.

P: The Orchid society.

M: Absolutely and finding a way to make sure that once you can’t drive anymore that you can, you know that they’re accessible as well.

P: Yeah.

M: All of that is really important. And as our baby boomers start hitting retirement age or they’ve already started, I think we’re going to see huge changes in how our older generations get around and how they live.

P: And how they interact as well.

M: So that will be good for our generation for the X’s and everyone after millennials.

P: Yeah.

M: I think we’re going to see some big, big changes in healthcare.

P: And it’s good that you have organisations such as city councils and land councils that are recognising this. And they are investing in these in making cities more liveable, so important.

M: Yep, absolutely.

P: Mmm.

M: More liveable and more able to connect.

P: Yep. Because social connection is what? [Whispers] …Primary.

M: It kills people.

P: Laugh! Way to bring it down, Marie.

M: Wait. Without social interaction –

P: Okay.

M: – you die.

P: Laugh! And on that note!

M: That’s one for another episode. Thank you for joining us and have a happy week.

P: Chow.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]  

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks!  

5 Ways to Trick Your Brain Into Feeling More Optimistic

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Feel More Optimistic

Do you need to feel more optimistic? Are you struggling to keep your head up and stay positive? 

Recent times have made it more challenging than ever before to remain optimistic. Many of us are dealing with financial insecurity and loneliness and isolation from family and friends. Our usual go-tos for fixing a low mood have also been taken from us so we can’t visit our favorite hang-out spots. The closure of places like movie theatres, museums, gyms (or whatever floats your boat) have made it all the more challenging to find moments of joy or even just sanity. Life is tough enough in lockdown without having to also give up on the moments that could normally provide inspiration, optimism or simply make us feel human again.  

But there are ways, tricks, and tools we can use to experience joy in our lives and make ourselves feel more fulfilled. In shirt, there are ways to trick your brain into feeling more optimistic.  

Let’s look at some science-backed ways to trick your brain into feeling more optimistic: 

1. Invest in Your Social Connections 

Gone are the days of large social gatherings or dinner parties with friends and family. Yes, we can see our family and visit some people from time to time depending on where we live and provided we follow local guidelines. But we can’t quite interact with others the way that we used to. So what do we do? 

Well, thankfully, we have tools at our disposal like Zoom, Whatsapp or Facebook Messenger that allow us to meet virtually. While it’s not quite the same, we can still get that face-to-face time that we all love and cherish, and that is proven to increase our happiness levels. Not to mention the fact that seeing others’ faces and reading each other’s body language is an important part of communication. It’s been commonly said that up to 90% of our communication is non-verbal.  

What if you don’t have a computer or can’t get access to the internet? Well, there is always the good old-fashioned phone. At least we can hear each other’s voices and engage in some playful banter and laughter.  

What about texting? According to researchers at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, texting does not deliver the same kind of powerful positive emotional reactions we may have been expecting. So, while the odd text here and there is good for corresponding about quick little things like appointments and so on, it is not all that helpful for building relationships and trying to be a more optimistic person. 

Don’t forget that scheduling these chats is important. If you don’t prioritise it and lock it in, it just won’t happen. 

2. Limit Social Media and the News 

While there can be positive bits of news that get posted to social media, like birthdays or other life milestones, social media and the news media are generally more focused on what’s going wrong, not what’s going right. Plus, half the stuff on social media isn’t even true anyway. Researchers have found that casually scrolling through social media often does nothing to encourage positive emotions, in fact it can make you more prone to anxiety and depression. 

And although, generally speaking, well-known mainstream news sources are diligent about fact-checking their work, that doesn’t make a true negative story feel more positive. Now that’s not to say that you should completely ignore current events altogether, but the science shows that limiting your exposure to the news and social media can help to reduce anxiety and depression. If you’ve been watching a lot of news lately, then perhaps consider taking a “news holiday.” 

3. Mindfulness and Meditation 

You could look at mindfulness and meditation as a form of self-care for the brain. Research has shown that practicing any kind of self-care is especially important for people who feel lonely or anxious. I could probably write a whole article or even a thesis on meditation, so I won’t go too far in-depth on meditation. But essentially, it involves finding a quiet place to sit (or sometimes other positions are useful) and practice repeating a mantra or listening to a guided meditation that involves stretching or breath-work. One of the first pioneers on the study of meditation, Dr. Herbert Benson, has suggested that at its most basic level, meditation relieves stress. And while some people may find it difficult to quiet their mind, regular practice can make things easier. 

When it comes to mindfulness, being mindful really just means being aware and staying in the present moment. Being aware of your thoughts and feelings is important when trying to manage your emotions. Awareness itself is a bit different from actual thoughts. As Dr. Deepak Chopra put it in a recent documentary, “Mindfulness is a terrible word because when you are practicing mindfulness, you’re not using your mind. Awareness of a thought is not a thought.”  

Being aware and present is key, and it can go a long way to helping us feel more optimistic. 

P.S. I did write that article though, so you can read more about mindfulness and mediation. 

4. Exercise and Sleep 

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention exercise and sleep, as they help so much when it comes to positive emotions. Just think about how you feel in the morning when you haven’t slept well.  

Exercise and sleep also go hand in hand, and it is often easier to fall asleep when you’ve had some good exercise. Access to things like the gym or swimming pools has been impossible for most as of late, but even just a simple jog, walk, or bike ride can work wonders for your body. You can also check out the huge range of HIIT workouts, yoga sessions, and aerobics classes now available for free on YouTube. 

5. Get on the Gratitude and Kindness Bandwagon 

This may seem like a simple concept to some but it can be more challenging for others. Fredrickson and Prinzing, authors of this University of North Carolina study, say that doing good deeds for others elicits positive emotions. Helping people can be difficult during these trying times, but there are always ways to help others without breaking the rules. Try baking a dish or making care package and leaving it on your friend’s doorstep when you go for a walk. You can also donate blood (provided all health guidelines are followed) to help you feel more positive and connected to society. 

Or, why not try practicing gratitude. Practicing gratitude makes you happier and less stressed, and it leads to higher overall wellbeing and satisfaction with your life and social relationships. Gratitude is the secret that many resilient and happy people have been practicing for years – including self-help guru Tony Robins, who has promoted the benefits of gratitude for years in his seminars. 

As you can see, optimism is not just something we are simply born with. There are healthy habits, practices, and tips that we can adopt to trick our brains into feeling more optimistic. You don’t have to do all of these things all the time, but pick one and try to incorporate it as much as possible into your daily life and see how it works wonders for your mental health and optimism. 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources! 

7 Simple Steps to Happiness

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7 Simple Steps to Happiness

7 Simple Steps to Happiness Right Now 

This past year has weighed heavily on all of us. The world was disrupted in unimaginable ways, and we’re still reeling from the impacts. After months of constant stress and anxiety, many of us are just trying to get back on track. One of the things we’ve learned through the pandemic is that we cannot afford to attach happiness to things or circumstances.  

Your happiness is in your hands, and you can influence it with the small things that you do on a daily basis. Sample these ideas that will uplift your mood and improve your day.  

1. Connect With Family and Friends  

In today’s connected world, many people spend time with people without truly paying attention to them. If we’re not busy working, then we’re engrossed in our gadgets and screens. In the internet era it is all too easy to be online paying attention to someone miles away, whom you’ll never get to meet, while ignoring the very person next to you.  

Unfortunately, while watching TV, listening to music and playing games online can be good sources of relaxation and short-term satisfaction and happiness, we often spend too much time in front of screens, to the detriment of spending time doing things that are more likely to bring us long-term happiness and joy. 

The simple answer is to make an effort to put away your gadgets ever now and then and hold conversations that count. Find out how the people around you are doing. Listen to their experiences, thoughts, ideas, and opinions. The same goes for your colleagues and friends. Call them and have meaningful conversations. Forming deeper relationships with those around you will instantly make you happier. 

One of the best things you can do to build relationships: organise a group trip! Not only can everyone participate in planning, they will also have something to look forward to, and then there’s of course the trip itself which everyone will get to share and build new memories from. 

2. Perform Acts of Kindness  

At a time when so many people are struggling with job losses or reduced hours, or the stress of the pandemic, a great way to bring some joy into your life and someone else’s is to perform an act of kindness.  

  • Do you have people around you who are in isolation? Offer to pick up their groceries.  
  • Do you know of a family with someone who is sick? Drop them a hot meal or send a care package. 
  • Do you know someone who lost their job? Visit them with some basic supplies.  

Check on people. Hear them out. Comfort them. Donate to the community center. Just chip in where you can. Taking attention away from yourself and focusing on someone in need has been shown to leave you happier and more fulfilled.   

3. Do Something Brave  

Identify something that makes you nervous and tackle it. It does not have to be an enormous task. Have you been postponing a difficult conversation? Make that call and talk it over. Have you been meaning to apologise to someone? You may as well do it now. Maybe you can send that job application even when you feel underqualified, or unsure about moving on.  

After the initial anxious moments you’ll feel a joyful feeling of triumph, just like when you get on a rollercoaster or watch a scary movie. The small wins associated with overcoming your fears will also build your confidence and you’ll soon be attempting more challenging tasks.  

4. Start Your Day Positively  

Spend the very first moments of your day intentionally. Most of us reach for the phone even before we get out of bed, allowing whatever content we come across to set the tone of our day. Intentionality allows you to choose exactly what you want to expose your heart and mind to before anything else.  

Remember, how you spend your first moment of the morning has a significant effect of the rest of the day. Try spending 30 minutes listening to an inspirational podcast, reading, praying, meditating, exercising, journaling or anything else that will fill you with positive energy, and watch the rest of your day follow the same trajectory.  

5. Organise Your Space  

A well-arranged space instantly uplifts your moods and makes you more productive. Whereas a messy house is interpreted by our brains as a laundry list of to-do items –adding stress to our days. 

Start with your bed, which you can make immediately after getting up. It sounds like a small detail, but the sight of a well-made bed can instantly make you feel more organised and ready for the day ahead. It also reduces the tendency to slip back under the covers for a ‘few more minutes’ which just ends up throwing your day into disarray.  Similarly, every evening before bed, take a few minutes to arrange the house. If you have kids, it takes much more effort to remain neat, but it’s worth it to wake to a tidy space in the morning. Even the best mood will be dented when you’re tripping over toys and sitting on food spills. Once a week, arrange your working space as well. Get rid of what you don’t need. Decluttering makes maintaining order much easier. Just the sight of a well-organized room will help you release that stress and leave you feeling happier.  

6. Work on Acceptance and Moving Forward 

Many people are still in denial over the magnitude of loss that the pandemic has caused. If your life was disrupted immensely, you probably still have moments when you ask yourself, ‘did this really happen?’ Unfortunately, it did, and now the question is: what’s next? Grief is a natural and normal and needed reaction to loss of any kind. However, eventually we all need to find a way to move forward, and the way to do that is through acceptance.  

Accept the new circumstances of your life. Your job, income, age, weight, and all. You may not be where you’d have wished, but you’re here. Work to introduce a gratitude practice every day to rediscover what you have to be grateful for, and work to accept your current situation, and finally, set some new goals for the future to give you something to work toward and plan for.  

Remember, if you are truly struggling with how to move forward after a significant loss, please speak to a professional. Sometimes we all need a bit more help. 

7. Connect With Nature  

One of the easiest ways to bring instant happiness to your life is to step out and enjoy nature. If it’s sunny, even better. Feel the sunshine warm your skin. Soak in Vitamin D. Indulge in whatever elements of nature are around you.  

And it doesn’t have to be a 10-hour hike through rugged terrain. It could be as simple as bird watching in your backyard. Fix a bird feeder to a tree or on a pole (somewhere off the ground to avoid predators). Or you can drive to the local park, nature trail, forest, beach, and simply sit and watch. Why not try walking barefoot or just touch the trees. That simple emotional or physical contact with nature siphons away your stress and leaves you more relaxed.  

You don’t have to go for a vacation to feel happier. Neither do you have to spend loads of money. The above practices are well within reach and you can carry them out any day. Your happiness is mostly within your control and is you responsibility; gift it to yourself in abundance. 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources! 

Fighting the Loneliness Epidemic (E41)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete discuss the global rise in loneliness levels, what is contributing to the increase and what we can all do to build stronger relationships.

Site discussed during the podcast: Examining Emotional Literacy Development Using a Brief On-Line Positive Psychology Intervention with Primary School Children  Jacqueline Francis *, Tan-Chyuan Chin and Dianne Vella-Brodrick Centre for Positive Psychology, University of Melbourne, Parkville, VIC 3010, Australia; tanchyuan.chin@unimelb.edu.au (T.-C.C.); dianne.Vella-Brodrick@unimelb.edu.au (D.V.-B.) * Correspondence: jacqui.francis@unimelb.edu.au Received: 14 September 2020; Accepted: 15 October 2020; Published: 19 October 2020 

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness, a pop up cycle user, smartphone and techno abuser and generic loose cannon on a Sunday boozer. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low.

P: Or if you’re only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it.

M: Or maybe you just want more.

P: Then this is the place to be!

M: And to take us one step further on our happiness journey, today’s episode is all about the loneliness epidemic.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: What is does Eeyore say?

P: I’m depressed?

M: Woe is me.

P: Oh well, oh well.

M: [Laugh]

P: I’ll just take another walk.

M: Someone like that. I feel like that’s what sums up my idea what our episode today should be about. [Laugh]

P: All right, let’s go with that. So we’re doing, we’re doing a Winnie the Pooh thing?

M: [Laugh]

P: Okay, so Marie the loneliness epidemic, is it all about Eeyore?

M: I think that’s a result of being lonely. And it is an epidemic, isn’t it, Pete?

P: Yes. Now I’ve got to admit, when I first heard about this, I was the cynical one my cynical hat went on. I was like ‘what, people aren’t lonely, how can they be lonely? Everything’s grand, everything’s wonderful and all this stuff about teenagers being lonely, oh pish posh, pish posh. But, turns out I was wrong.

M: Ha, ha. You’re wrong.

[Laughter]

P: No, There’s definitely a loneliness epidemic, definitely something that is becoming more important. And I think one of the one of the big indicators for me from the research that I did was that loneliness is actually a higher indicator of mortality than obesity and smoking right now.

M: What?

P: Yeah, according.

M: For real?

P: Yeah, according to a study done by the Australian Psychology Society in collaboration with Swinburne University in Victoria, the loneliness epidemic is becoming a bigger indicator of mortality than obesity and smoking in Australia as of 2018.

M: Wow. Well, I knew it was a problem. It’s really been, it’s been a hot topic. So burnout was big, loneliness just before that. This is a global problem, like many of the things that we talk about that crosses all demographics. There are some differences, though, right Pete?

P: Yeah, I’m finding with some of the studies that you’ve mentioned, Marie. I’ve got a couple of different figures and statistics down in here, and I do think, but I think the overall message is the same is that this’s a big indicator of what’s going on not only affects our mortality it affects our health, it affects our physical being as well as our mental well-being and the way that we live and the way that we interact. So this is all pre-pandemic Covid. Pandemic Covid has actually; I don’t know why I’m saying pandemic Covid, it should actually be Covid pandemic but anyway, we’re going reverse today.

[Laughter]

P: Pandemic Covid has changed the ball game a lot on brought this perhaps a little bit more to the floor. But we’re talking 2018 and 2017 and ‘15 in the UK they’ve been clocking the fact that loneliness isn’t big social problem and it’s causing a lot problems in terms of our health and the way that we work and who we are.

M: Yeah, and so the stereotype that it’s only in quotes “old people” is, is really false. It’s not just the elderly who are lonely. In fact, young Australians are reporting such a huge uptick in their loneliness, and it’s not necessarily that they don’t have people around them and that they don’t have family and they don’t have friends-

P: Yes.

M: -at school. It might just be that they’re not getting what they need or their relationships they have aren’t meeting their needs, and that could be because they’re too superficial, which is a another whole episode as well. But we have a lot of Facebook friends nowadays and social media friends that are very superficial, and you can feel that you’re connecting and you’re just not, right?

P: Yes.

M: And what that does is that it leaves a lot of people feeling unsupported and disconnected, and they feel lonely, even though they might have a lot of people around them. So I think that in particular really applies to the younger generations vs the older generations, who we’ve known for quite a while have a higher incidence of mobility issues and at times lose their licences and their ability to get out and into society and have those strong relationships.

P: I do agree, to a certain point. There’s some interesting stats in the study that I found though that are saying that in Australia in 2018 the over 65 were dealing really well. The two brackets that Swinburne University in the Australian Psychological Society clocked as the most lonely are the 18 to 26 year old’s and the 56 to 64 year old’s. The 65 year old’s and up are doing really well. [Laugh]

M: Well, they were until Covid, Yes.

P: Ah well that might be the changing.

M: Yeah, yeah. And then everything has just gotten really bad, social isolation says it all right? and social distancing. And I know there’s been a lot of discussion about terminology and being really clear that social distancing doesn’t mean not having relationships and connection. But the long and the short of the isolation is that we’re having to rely on technology to have relationships a lot more often, and that’s just nowhere near as good as face to face communication for a sense of connection.

P: And we’re not as good at it. Yeah, we’re not as good at it, apparently. So some of the things that have come out in terms of dealing with loneliness from some of the studies that I’ve done are talking about the way that we use social skills and this will apply definitely 18 to 25 year old age bracket is that we’re not developing our social skills sufficiently in our teenage years to take us through to that next stage where we get off the devices we get off the zoom calls on, and we actually interact on a one on one or a group basis on. And I think that that is where went falling short slightly for our young people and we’re not giving them the social skills to deal with going out there and making those true friendships that you talked about earlier Marie.

M: And it’s also about having a level of emotional maturity and understanding and an ability to reflect and to have tough conversations with people and to be uncomfortable.

P: Yeah.

M: And there’s a whole lot in there. And there’s research that came out today actually, in Victoria, I have to go find the study, and I’ll post it in our show notes. But they have done some research with some schools and Victoria to help kids with positive psychology interventions. And it was all focused around giving them the language to talk about their emotions and their well-being.

P: Aah, interesting.

M: And they’ve found that being able to vocalise what’s going on really helps people to- sorry – helps kids, to have better mental health outcomes. So it’s impacting their relationships, their connection with others. So I will put that in the show notes. But I think that if you’re spending all your time on social media in your teens, back to your point, in your, your younger years and you’re connecting with a device rather than a person, you can quite easily miss the lessons that we used to learn in the playground.

P: Very true, very true.

M: You know, if you don’t keep Sally’s secret, then you’ll be ostracised from the group for sharing, you know?

P: [Laugh]

M: That kind of thing, so you learned to keep secrets.

P: Good old Sally.

[Laughter]

P: All right, so one of the things that I found with the research that I did was that loneliness actually affects our health. And I guess this relates to regular what we’re talking to here in terms of the happiness. Loneliness, we know is not good for us, but it actually affects our physical health. And some of the points that have come up with the studies from big health that I saw and from the Australian Psychological Society is that loneliness affects our physical health.

Now there’s a lot of research out there about how it affects our mental health and how we have less social interaction, fewer positive emotions, we’re less likely to be resilient. But there’s a physical impact, things like headaches, stomach problems and one of the most interesting, we have a worsening sensation of physical pain if we’re lonely, that goes a lot back to our central nervous system and the way that our body and our brain interprets pain. But even things like greater difficulty with vision and communication. These are, these are real physical factors, these physical symptoms from an emotional condition.

M: Again going back to, you teaching me about these old Eastern philosophies and theories of mind and body.

P: [Laugh]

M: It is yet another example of how so intertwined our mind and bodies are. And I think you’re fooling yourself if you think-

P: That’s not very cynical today, Marie.

M: [Laugh] You’re fooling yourself if you think that they’re not connected nowadays, and there is centuries of Eastern thinking and research into this. But there is also Western science that now packs it up well for the cynics out there.

[Laughter]

P: Ok, so if we’re going to move on a little bit more about loneliness and how loneliness relates to us. I do want to talk about the ways the we can avoid loneliness. And if we’re talking about the kind of contacts that we have between relationships, we’ve got maybe three main ones.

One of them is:

The Family contact.

One of them is:

Our Friends.

And the other one that I want to talk about it is:

Our Neighbours.

P: Now Marie, as an Australian do you think Australians have good neighbour contact?

M: Our neighbour let us jump his fence the other day when we got locked out of our own home.

[Laughter]

P: Okay, now I like this. I like this idea. I want to ask what you were doing to be locked out?

M: No, we… I said have you got the keys? And he said yes. And he said, Have you got the keys? And I said yes. And this is what happens when you have been married and together for 15 years. You don’t actually listen to what your partner is saying to you. You just say yes.

[Laughter]

M: So we both left the house without keys. Just pulled the door shut behind us. So back to that relationship advice you’re about to give us Pete, listening is so important.

P: Contact between neighbours is a form of actually combating Loneliness and in Australia, our neighbour contact is not good. We have been shown to have less neighbour contact amongst our society than ever before and it depends on how many neighbours we do have. And the odd thing is that in the survey, the people who listed that they have no immediate neighbours actually have more contact with their neighbours than anybody. So if you live in the middle of the Outback and the nearest neighbour is 24 K’s away, you’ve got more contact with that neighbour than people in the city do.

M: Wow, I think the thing is though, that neighbour is also the closest possible friend that you could have. Whereas if you’re in the city, you’ve got thousands of people who could be friends in your immediate area.

P: Very true. This is fair, when we look at the big health study. It does talk about that in terms of proximity of people.

[Laughter]

M: I will say, though, having moved from Sydney to Tamworth recently that people in country towns are just that much friendlier and that much more open to new relationships, that much more welcoming and gracious of new people into their community. And I don’t know how to solve that because, having lived overseas, and I’m sure you’ve found it too coming from the country and living in many large cities Pete.

P: Mm, Hmm.

M: That cities are just so much harder to find a foothold in when it comes to friends and friendships and close relationships.

P: It is, and I think that the proximity of people to your living space makes you react in a certain way. Having lived in big cities and moved into smaller cities as well. In my time when you’ve got space around you, you’re more likely to reach out to the person that is closest to you. I think if you’re in a densely populated area, you’re more inclined to bunker down and hunker in and not necessarily connect with your neighbours because your space is private.

M: Hhmm. Maybe.

P: The science supports this Marie. I come back this up with figures. [Laugh]

M: It’s not the figures I’m doubting it’s your rationale for why.

P: Ok, all right. So if we look at the rates of how many neighbours you have, so people who list that they’ve got two neighbours or three to four or five to eight. The proportion of Australians with neighbours that they hear from at least once a month goes down after you list two neighbours, so if you’ve got three to four neighbours.

If you live in an apartment block, the figure is 15.9%. If you live with two neighbours, one on either side of you in a suburban house, 21. 1% if you have no neighbours, 30.4%. So that’s telling that living in an apartment doesn’t give you contact with your neighbours.

M: I agree but not because I want to hunker down. So having now, living in a house, I see my neighbours more often and I’ve had conversations with them and I’ve popped over the road to go say hi and introduce myself. Whereas I went an entire three years in my apartment block and only saw two of my neighbours on the floor so there’s ten apartments, I only saw two of them in that three year period, I only crossed paths with them twice.

And that’s the difference to me and both times I stopped and had a chat and actually with one of the people, they ended up looking after our cat when we went on holidays. But we had to have that crossing of paths in order for that relationship to start developing, and it just wasn’t happening. And I think that that is one of the downsides to the way that we live nowadays that has changed. That is leading to this loneliness epidemic. More and more people are living alone, but also more and more people are living in cities around the world, and there’s going to be a huge increase in mega cities over the next 20 to 30 years, so between now and 2050 and that means you’ve got to have high density housing.

And there’s been some really good work, again in the Scandinavian countries that they’ve got their xxxx together, where they’re designing different types of apartment buildings so that you have your personal space, your bedroom and a small receiving area like a small lounge room and then in the middle of the floor you’ve got big, open communal congregating and cooking spaces so you can sit and eat.

P: And I think this is the way forward it’s the design of our cities it’s the design of the way we live that is going to encourage the decrease in loneliness. And the stuff that I’ve come across as well talks about that in terms of the building of the community relationships. How to effectively manage loneliness to make people feel connected to their community. And this is where the big health study he talks about that in creating shared common interests and meaningful connections, walkable suburbs, community interaction and gardens and recreational parks, access to public transport, all those sorts of things. And that brings me back to my earlier point about apartment living faces more challenges for loneliness rather than those who live in suburban areas.

M: Mmm.

P: So if you live in an apartment block, you actually have to do a little bit more work to make sure that that loneliness endemic-epidemic doesn’t affect you in the same way. I think it’s, I think you’re right, it’s easier to make those connections in the country where you don’t have the density of population. A walk across the road does happen. You see your neighbour’s a little bit more because you might be in the backyard together. In the apartment buildings that doesn’t happen because they don’t have that structure of communal gathering or proximity that allows that private/public space. I’m getting a little bit confused there with my, um, with my references. So that might be another episode.

M: [Laugh] Another really cute story and I think that there’s so much negativity out there in the news, so I’m always really keen to share lovely positive news stories. There’s a great story from the UK from, from Frome in the UK, whether they connected an old folks home with a primary school and each group is getting ready to exchange happiness boxes and they’re going to come and share what makes them happy. So they’ve partnered on elderly person with a young person and they’re preparing their stuff. So they’re preparing little boxes and they’ll all meet and exchange boxes with their assigned person and share what makes them happy. And so one of the ladies has actually knitted a garment for every single kid in the class.

P: [Laugh]

M: And she said she loves knitting, but she loves it more when she can actually knit for someone else. But again, this is making those connections and they’re going to be solid connections. So these types the projects I just love, love this news story. [Laugh]

P: It’s great. I’ve got a similar one that’s actually a bit more local in Australia. It’s an Australian initiative called the Men’s Shed.

M: Yes.

P: It was a. You heard about this?

M: So my grandfather did Man Shed until he unfortunately, had dementia. So until it was just too much for him. Dementia and heavy machinery don’t go well together, sidebar for you kids. So he used to go with his brother every Tuesday morning and it is such a great Mental Health resource for older men.

P: Yes.

M: And also, the local Tamworth Men’s Shed were having a sale, their annual sale to raise money when we moved out here to Tamworth. So we went out there and they got me. I bought a whole bunch of stuff I didn’t need. But they were so lovely.

[Laughter]

P: The CEO David Helmers talks about this and saying that whilst they’re repairing items for the community and having sales, I’ll quote in here. “The most important thing is the men getting together, building those relationships, that brotherhood that exists in the sheds. They’re finding new friendships, but most importantly they’re finding meaningful purpose.”

M: Yes, friendship and purpose, two things that we’ve discussed many times.

P: The two really important aspects of that [quote].

M: Yes. Well, I think on that note we are over time again. We finish every episode with the same sentence of me saying “we’re over time again Pete.”

[Laughter]

M: But we might wrap it up on that beautiful quote. But Men Shed. If you do have some elderly man in your family and you’re worried about their loneliness levels, it is a great initiative, and I’m glad you brought it up Pete. So it might be worth checking it out. They’re all around Australia.

P: Excellent. That’s a good indicator for all of us to get out there and find that kind of community groups that might foster that sort of relationship building and it’s hard when you’re feeling lonely, I think, to drag yourself out and put yourself in the in the non, non comfort space. If I have one tip for listeners, I would say ‘say yes’ and follow up with action.

M: I’m going to add one tip in there, too, because I always have to have the last word.

[Laughter]

M: I will say if you’re not feeling particularly social because you are feeling lonely, then one of the best ways to get yourself out there and develop friendships coincidentally, is to put yourself at the service of others. So go spend a couple of hours a week volunteering.

P: Yes.

M: And there’s so many organisations that could use your, your time right now if you’ve got two hours; and you’ll be surprised how much giving others comes back to you.

P: Can’t agree more, can’t agree more. I would never have found you Marie if I hadn’t volunteered at the Volleyball Club, look at that.

M: [Laugh] It sucks you in doesn’t it?

P: Yeah [Laugh]

M: Anyway, thank you for joining us today if you want to hear more please subscribe and like this podcast as always, you can find us at marieskelton.com and you can send in questions or proposed topics there if you’d like.

P: If you like our tiny little show, Happiness for Cynics Podcast, we’d love a comment or a rating to helps us out.

M: Yes, that would make us happy.

P: [Laugh] Until next time.

M & P: Choose Happiness

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article How To Make Friends As An Adult, listen to our Podcast The Importance of Being Social (E14)

All About the 5 Love Languages (E30)

by

Happiness for Cynics

This week, Marie and Pete discuss #1 New York Times bestseller Dr Gary Chapman’s “5 Love Languages” and how important it is for your relationship and your happiness to understand your own personal love language and that of your partner.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness. A love boat singer and seventies disco flare wearing backup dancer.

[Laughter]

P: Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low.

P: Or if you’re only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it.

M: Or maybe you just want more!

P: Then this is the place to be! [Sings] The love boat.

M: [Laugh] This week if you haven’t guessed we are talking about love languages and Pete has just played the Love Boat song, and sang along.

P: It’s so much fun. He he. Come on, sing it with me. You kind of expect, you know Barry White to come on. It’s kind of vibe.

M: That is Five seconds were allowed before we get fined.

P: Oh, Boo. It’s so much fun.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: Okay, So this week, we are talking about a book by Gary Chapman and a concept, Sorry. [Whispers] So much more than a book.

P: [Laugh]

M: It’s more than a book and I deliberately told Pete not to do any research on it.

P: I am completely open. I am an open… book. [Laugh]

M: So Gary Chapman wrote a book called ‘The Five Love Languages’, and … I’ve mentioned it multiple times because in Covid, you have really missed touch and I’ve told you multiple times, I think touch is your love language.

P: Right.

M: During, during the past 30 episodes, and you’ve… smiled and nodded and gone ‘Meh… OK’.

P: I trust you Muz, you know me so well.

M: [Laugh] so I think it’s about time we talked about love languages.

P: Ok, so what are love languages?

M: So, they are the parts of us that represent our emotional need for love. So when our love tanks are full, everything is good.

P: Ooh, ok.

M: But we all work on different types of fuel, and being filled up with the wrong fuel can leave us feeling empty or unfulfilled. But when you fill people up with the right fuel, the right love language, then they feel on top of the world they feel loved.

P: I feel like I’m ethanol number 10.

[Laughter]

M: Touch… it is the dirtiest.

P: [Laugh] I could say something that would be inappropriate. [Hysterical laughter] OK, alright… I like this idea, though, that everyone has their own, their own need and it’s about identifying that persons need to be able to fill up their well spring of love language that brings them to their highest point.

M: It makes them feel happy.

P: Yeah, I get that.

M: And loved. Actually loved and cared for.

P: That resonates very strongly with me.

M: Great. Tick.

P: I’m in, I’m in, I’m buying in Marie.

M: [Laugh]

P: I always buy in, who am I kidding.

M: One of the things that Chapman talks about is that at the beginning of a relationship, it’s a free for.

P: Mmm. Ok

M: You’ve got all the butterflies. Doesn’t matter what they’re doing. You’re all loving on each other. Honey moon phase.

P: Yeah. Fireworks are going off.

M: Yep.

P: Lady and the Tramp spaghetti moments.

M: Yep. Now, when this really makes a difference, is once you through that honeymoon phase, right.

P: Yep

M: So we’ll start with number one.

So the first love language is:

Words of Affirmation.

P: Are these love poems? Are these the things that you write to your partner and leave on pieces of paper randomly in books?

M: Yes, it is supportive and complimentary words that make them feel the most loved.

P: So when they ‘do I look fat in this dress’, you say ‘Yes, baby. I mean no, baby.

M: That would be just a normal conversation and a no brainer to say no.

P: Yeah, true.

M: I’m just gonna throw that out. So the people whose love language use words of affirmations seek for others to tell them positive things. That’s what makes them feel good about themselves it’s what makes them feel loved and cared for. So it’s not me, that’s not me. 

P: Is this different to narcissism in terms of needing that to boost you up?

M: So there’s, there’s four others that we’ll get to in a second.

P: Alright, jumping the gun.

M: This is… No, no, no. Look, I think it’s a, it’s a fair question that could apply to any of the five, total.

P: Right, gotcha.

M: It is about what makes you feel special.

P: Okay.

M: All right?

P: Yeah.

M: And the person that you love, you want them to make you feel special. And sometimes this is more about, just like with so many other things have discussed, knowing yourself and more than that, knowing your partner and how you can make them feel special. But also them knowing what makes you feel special. Because if they’re talking to you in your wrong language.

P: It’s not registering.

M: They could be trying and trying and trying.

P: And you’re not recognising it, definitely.

M: And you feel unloved.

P: Okay. Yeah, I’m so with you. Okay.

M: All right.

P: Number two?

M: Number two:

Quality Time.

So these people, who, their love language is quality time, they require moments of undivided attention from their partners.

P: I definitely agree with that one. You need your me time with your partner.

M: And these people –

P: Date night, it’s date night.

M: Yes. It is Date night. And date night can’t be movie watching for these people.

P: Oh, right. It’s not quality time together.

M: Yes, quality is the key word there.

P: I got you, righto. That’s an easy one.

M: Okay. Number three:

Receiving Gifts.

P: Oohh…

M: And for these people, it’s not about the money, it’s the thought.

P: So buying a treasure trove of jewellery that you just give a box to every now and then, that doesn’t work.

M: I mean, look I’ll never say no to jewellery.

P: [Laugh] Wrapped in Tiffany’s?

M: Yes. I like diamonds.

[Laughter]

P: But it’s the thoughtfulness behind those sorts of gifts, the little things that you leave out or wake up one morning and there’s a gift.

M: Even the flowers that you picked from the neighbour’s yard.

P: Yeah.

M: But the fact that you picked a couple and stopped and thought my significant other would like this came home and presented it to them that, you know, if someone is a gift receiver, is there love language, then that will mean the world to that person.

P: It’s a bit like a cat bringing a dead mouse to your door. Is that, is that a gift?

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s the cat’s way of going ‘Here, I caught this for you. Here you go.’

M: It’s the thought.

P: Yeah, right.

M: So, actually, the funny thing is… someone whose love language is receiving gifts would see that from the cat and be completely touched by that.

P: Hhmm. I get it. I get that. I understand.

M: The rest of us would be like, eugghh..

P: [Laugh] Take it away.

M: All right. So number four is:

Acts of Service.

P: Oh, I’m a big one on this one.

M: Yep, so this is me.

P: Yeah?

M: The act of one partner doing things for the other person. So I have those ‘aawww moments’ when my husband has done a load of laundry and put it away when I get home.

P: Including picking up his socks?

[Laughter]

M: Yep and he’s bothered to pick up his socks off the floor. [Laugh]

P: It’s good that you register that.

[Laughter]

M: Or when I’m really busy at work and I’m running late and he puts dinner on without asking.

P: That, that was the next one that I was going to go to, like you come home and dinner is cooked for you. Who doesn’t go, ‘oh’ when you walk in and someone says here’s dinner, it’s a roast turkey.

M: Yep.

P: You know that that’s been effort put in, and that someone’s actually thought they’re going to be stressed, they’re gonna be hungry when they get home. I’m going to make dinner, and you walk in and there’s a candlelit table who wouldn’t go ‘oh’ over that?

M: So I need to get you to teach my husband about the candles and the turkey.

P: Problem is, if I did that, I’d probably end up coming over for dinner.

M: [Laugh] In a way, you both would have done an act of service that I would be grateful for.

P: This isn’t… I actually had a conversation with a friend of mine today. Over lunch about this exact point and he very freely volunteers the fact that he will make his lovers or his affectionate ones feel like a prince or a princess and He will absolutely go to all the ends of the Earth to do those sorts of things and make you feel like you are the most special person on Earth. He doesn’t want that in return.

M: And here’s the thing, is he projecting what he thinks they want on them and all they actually want is for him to say, ‘Jeez babe, you look hot’.

P: Possibly, possibly.

M: You know or if words of affirmation, you know, other things-

P: True.

M: – were your love language. So this is the next step I would say for him he might be displaying his love for others in a way that they’re not receiving [it].

P: I agree. Yes, definitely. And I’m big on that, but I think it’s, it’s an interesting trait of someone to be… And I think I fall into this as well, like I am very much am big on cooking dinner for someone ‘saying come over and I will massage you for the evening or, you know go two hours overtime when I really shouldn’t, which some of my Clients have said ‘I’ve got to be somewhere at seven thirty’ and I’ve said ‘Shut up and put your head on the table.

[Laughter]

P: You know, glasses of wine or whatever. Or that act of service, washing the car, cleaning out the bedroom.

M: Yep.

P: That sort of thing, they are expressions of service and if we don’t recognise those for the acts of love they are that’s a miscommunication. I like that one. Number four is me.

M: Woah, well, here’s number five which I think is you.

P: Yeah. Okay. This is a biggy.

M: So,

Physical Touch.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: And it is recognised for its bonding effects for everyone. But for the person with this love language, physical touch is the supreme representation of love.

P: Guilty as charged, definitely.

M: It is snuggling and cuddling and holding hands and just having your hand on someone’s shoulder. Just being close and near to them, is this person’s love language.

P: Yeah, huge, definitely. Does it have to be giver or receiver?

M: What do you mean?

P: So if you’re a physical touch person, do you have to give or do you have to receive?

M: It’s your love language.

P: So it’s the way that you express it.

M: It’s the way that you need it to have your tank filled. So you need other’s physical touch.

P: You need physical touch, gotcha.

M: Which is why I think you were missing it and why your tank was low over the Covid isolation.

P: I’ll give you that, yep. Definitely. I was craving touch a lot. Actually, it was, it was difficult because I was very much separated from my friends who I get my physical touch from.

M: Mmm hhmm

P: I don’t have a partner and I’m very reliant on the affection of my friends. To give me those hugs, to slap me on the ass and you know, you know, even to give me a headlock or something like that, that’s physical touch. That’s expression of affection. And, yeah, I’m very dependent on that. And it was really difficult when Covid was in the height that I wasn’t getting any of that. It was really tough.

M: Yep, so that’s why multiple times I’ve said, I think physical touch is your love language Pete.

P: [Laugh]

M: And I think that’s why you missed it so much and why you were running on empty a bit from, a love perspective.

P: Yep, definitely.

M: Not that acts of service wouldn’t maybe, maybe you’re a hybrid?

P: No I –

M: Part electric? Part?

[Laughter]

P: I’m a Toyota Camry.

M: Part electric…

[Laughter]

M: Acts of Service a little bit with a lot of Physical Touch.

P: Well, I guess that’s what this is, what it comes down to. Can you be a blend of all three, all five of these? Or is there one that is the primary expression for you?

M: I think you could. I think, with all things there’s no black and white with any of this. But I think most people would go, ‘Yes, that’s me or these two are me.’ So I think you’d be more dominant. Definitely.

P: So it’s good to recognise that because then you can identify that if you are feeling that your tank is a bit low.

M: Well, I think like with so much of what we talked about, the reason it’s important is about understanding yourself and what makes you happy.

P: Yes.

M: And again so you can communicate with your partner. So I think a lot of miscommunication and not feeling loved can be avoided by understanding each other a little bit better. Having a conversation around what makes you feel loved.

P: Identifying which one of the five you are.

M: Yeah, and knowing that, I’m in acts of service person, but that might not be Francis, so I could do laundry until –

P: Francis being your husband.

M: Yes, and I could do laundry till the cows come home and feel really rejected that I’m not even getting a thank you for it and that Francis isn’t feeling loved because I keep picking up his socks.

P: [Laugh]

M: And I could let that really drive a wedge between us or we could have a conversation about how he likes to feel loved and we can split the laundry, and I can tell him he looks hot in his new jeans. That would be much easier than doing laundry all the time.

P: [Laugh] It’s also recognising that. So when you hear that that someone or you does an act of service like picking up their socks, you go aww they’re trying isn’t that nice.

M: Yep.

P: They’re trying to meet me on my love language.

M: Yes, absolutely.

P: Which could be really hard for some couples, I imagine. Or some relationships is meeting someone on their love language and if you’re not a physical person, but your partner is a physical touch love language. Woah that’s gonna be tough. It’s going to be hard.

M: Well, I think we all start relationships with the right intent, which is to make the other person happy. You want that at the beginning at least.

P: Ok. That’s, that’s an assumption. But Yes.

M: [Laugh] Ok. It’s a big assumption I guess.

P: Well it is because a lot of it’s about making us happy. You go into a relationship because you want them to make you feel happy.

M: All right, maybe we need to go down a different route, [Laugh] that is a whole other kettle of fish.

P: I’m sorry, I’m throwing spanners in the works here. [Laugh]

M: Yeah, so I think that, I think what you give to a person comes back to you.

P: Oh, I completely agree. Yep, yep definitely.

M: So if you’re aiming to make someone else happy, that comes back to you, you know, tenfold. So understanding early on what that person needs to be happy, it just becomes, a bit of a habit then about the way that you two work together. So, I guess. How do you know which one you are?, is a really good question.

P: Hhmm.

M: I’ve got a few points here.

So if you’re always seeking approval or recognition for who you are or what you do, then you’re love language may be Words of Affirmation.

P: Yeah, that’s fair. Approval. Approval via words which is very specific.

M: If you’re asking, you know, ‘How’s the dinner? Do you like it? Is it good? Or…

P: Do I look good in these jeans?

M: Yes.

[Laughter]

M: Now.

If you frequently initiate evening walks, then Quality Time may be your primary love language.

P: Oohh I like that. If you’re initiating actions to spend with your partner and encouraging them to come with you on certain aspects of your lifestyle then, yeah, yeah.

M:

If you keep and cherish small gifts, you may speak the love language of Receiving Gifts.

P: Does that make you a hoarder?

M: Yeah, well, you might be a hoarder, it’s a fine line.

P: [Laugh]

M: I think my mom might be one of these [Gift Receiver], because she’s still got a box with all of our birthday cards and-

P: Oh my mum’s the same. She categorises them.

M: Maybe it’s just a thing older people do.

P: We all have our own book, like my sister and I, and even the niece and nephew they all have their own books.

M: Aww. Maybe that’s her love language then.

P: Keeper of the treasures.

M: Receiver of gifts.

P: Yeah.

M:

If you feel overwhelming love when your partner brings home takeout. [Love language- Acts of Service]

P: [Laugh] OK, for those of you who don’t know Marie and Bruce [Francis’s Australian name] are like the take out kings and queens. [Laugh]

M: I just.. hate cooking.

P: [Laugh]

M: I’m so privileged I get it, but I just hate cooking and it’s so cheap nowadays.

P: True.

M: I just don’t get it.

P: Anyway they could be cooking for you as well. So if someone cooks dinner for you every night, is that the same?

M: Yeah, look, it’s yeah, but to me it’s not the thought that counts when it comes to cooking dinner. So I think both me and Francis are better out of the kitchen.

P: [Laugh]

M: He does a really mean soup and toast from a packet.

[Laughter]

M:

Then if you melt when your partner touches you randomly, then Physical Touch.

P: Oh, yeah definitely.

M: That’s probably your love language.

P: That’s my love language. Definitely. Yeah, yeah, I think that’s a yes. It’s a measurement of intimacy. And it is those soft, and you could be having the worst argument on and it’s just that one little touch that just makes you go ‘Yep, we’re good’.

M: Little touch?

P: Yep, it could be a small touch, doesn’t need to be big.

M: Not an angry touch? You’re having an argument?

P: That depends on how good the angry gets?

[Laughter]

M: We’re not talking make up sex.

P: [Laugh] You’re going to throw me on couch, wrestle me down. Yeah, maybe sure [laugh].

M: If we were videoing this. You would see the way that Pete reached to me when he was talking about having an angry discussion and ran his, trailed his finger down my arm.

P: Oh, dear. [Laugh]

M: All right, so again, why is this important? Why are we talking about this? It’s self-awareness again.

P: It is, it’s recognising what your language of communication is, which I think leads to more intimate relationships.

M: Absolutely. Yep.

P: If you’re sending the right signals and if you are receiving the right information then it enriches your happiness, it makes you feel better about things because you’re recognising them. You may not necessarily receive them in the right way, but you’re recognising the effort, which leads to more intimacy and more understanding of, of happiness and good feelings.

M: Plus, if your partner stops cooking really very average dinners and just brings you home or take out and it makes you happier, like Bob’s your Uncle.

P: True.

M: Hint, hint.

P: Too bad for the cook out there who just can’t get the pumpkin soup right.

M: From a packet, let’s be really clear. There’s no cooking from scratch going on here.

P: So not my role. You’re talking to the man that makes a roast chicken at 11 o’clock at night if he needs to.

M: Okay, maybe you can cook for me then. That’ll work.

P: Sure.

M: All right, so last tip or hint to move forward for our listeners is Google lists. So they’re are surveys online that you and your partner can do to learn a bit more about each other and if nothing else, just a fun little exercise. So if you enjoy spending quality time with each other, then this is the thing to Google and do on a Friday night.

P: It’s like the Cosmo sex quiz.

M: Done. That is it. That is absolutely it. I haven’t done one of those since I was a teenager.

P: Yeah, there’s a reason. [Laugh]

M: Do they still exist?

P: [Laugh] Ok, Thanks for joining us today. If you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast.

M: And remember, you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, a site about how to find balance, happiness and resilience in your life until next time.

P: Choose happiness.

Related content: Listen to our Podcast: Positive Affirmations (E29)

How To Make Friends As An Adult

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How to make friends as an adult: everything you need to know.

How to make friends

Have you ever wondered how to make friends as an adult? The simple truth is that making friends as an adult is not always easy!

But it used to be easy. Remember at school when we were kids and there were tens if not hundreds of kids that you could pick from to be friends with. If you didn’t really get along with one person, there was always someone else to get to know, or another group that was maybe more your style. Sure, there were fights and hurt feelings, sometimes you might have wanted to be friends with someone who didn’t want to be friends with you, but more often than not, there were still other options or choices. There truly were more fish in the sea, and once you found your fish, becoming friends was pretty quick and easy.

Unfortunately, life as an adult is just not that easy.

You see, what many of us don’t realise until it’s too late is that school is set up in a way to make it easy to get to know people well, to make friends quickly. But once we leave school, it’s nowhere near as easy to make friends quickly or to find friends with similar interests, and it can leave many of us wondering how to make friends as an adult.

This can be exacerbated if you’re particularly shy, or if you move interstate or overseas for work, or if you work for a company or small business with only a handful of people to interact with every day – leaving quite a few people in their 20s and 30s all of a sudden feeling a lonely. In fact, young adulthood in particular can be a lonely time, with more than 1 in 3 young adults aged 18-25 reporting problematic levels of loneliness according to a report last year from Swinburn University and VicHealth.

Even then, if none of those situations apply to you, you still need to watch out if you’re particularly independent or even just really busy, as it can be easy to accidentally neglect the relationships around you. Or through no fault of your own, your friends move away, one by one, to travel or pursue jobs opportunities or romantic interests, and before you know it, you might not have that many people you can call a ‘good’ friend.

Once we leave school, the number of opportunities diminish to interact deeply on a daily basis with a variety of people . This means that the choices are more limited, but also that we have to put in time and effort to maintain the relationships we have.

Why Having Good Friends Is Important

Connecting with others is proven to build emotional resiliency and make your life happier. Friends bring us laughter and good times and help us get through the bad times. They make us feel connected and help us build self-esteem. They can make us feel loved.

On the flip side, the Swinburn and VicHealth study found that higher levels of loneliness increased a person’s risk of developing depression by 12 per cent and social anxiety by 10 per cent.

It’s also shown that people with close social relationships fair better in old age. According to a recent study, “Social engagement and connectedness may simply be the single most powerful factors for cognitive performance in old age.” In short, staying involved in the community and having close social relationships is also critical to a longer life.

But when we’re not in a school environment, finding that time together becomes harder, so it takes longer and requires a lot more work. So, look after your old friendships, or develop new friends—but be prepared for it to take dedicated time and effort. Either way, having good friends will serve you in the long run.

Making friends as an adult isn’t always easy. Here are some tips on how to make friends as an adult and add some extra happiness to your life.

Friends beat family

So, if you find yourself in a new town, or you have moved on from old friendship groups, you can sometimes be left wondering how to make friends as an adult…

To start with, it’s important to note that it takes a significant amount of time to make good friends. In a study by University of Kansas professor Jeffrey Hall, he found that it takes about 50 hours to go from an acquaintance to casual friend. It takes another 90 hours or so to move to friend status and then an additional 200 hours to become close friends.

So, if you’re willing to put in the work, here are some ideas to get you started on building new friendships.

Starting out on making friends

So, how do you make friends as an adult? To start out, look for an activity that brings together a variety of people and encourages regular social interaction. It’s about doing activities together that gives you something to do while you slowly getting to know others. This helps with the awkwardness of just meeting people in a bar or approaching strangers at a party. You could try:

  1. Joining a class – ever wanted to learn to paint or do pottery? Classes give you a reason for seeing people every week. Once you suss out the people in the class whom you might want to be friends with, sit closer to them and have a bit of a chat on the way out of class. After a few classes, you can offer to carpool or grab a drink afterward for additional bonding.
  2. Volunteering – contributing to your community not only makes you feel good, but it can also be a great way to meet like-minded people. If you like animals, try volunteering at your local pound or pet rescue centre. If you want to help the environment, find a group of people who plant trees or clean up beaches or organise in other ways to make a difference.
  3. Join a sports team – this is an easy way to meet a variety of new people and often involves training and playing multiple times per week, upping the interactions and often speeding up bonding – particularly if you can play at a higher level.

Deepening the bonds of friendship

Once you have found someone you think you might want to be friends with and you’re into the ‘acquaintances’ stage, look for opportunities to do some deeper one-on-one activities.

  1. Go for a hike – This type of activity is quite forgiving of long periods of silence, in case you’re both still getting to know each other and the conversation isn’t quite flowing yet. You can focus on walking or you can chat as you go, either way you’ll be getting to know each other better as you go.
  2. Plan a short holiday together – divide the planning and work on it together, this is just as important as the trip away itself. The planning together is half the fun. So, take a trip to a local winery, or to the coast for the weekend, or somewhere you both decide would be fun, and fill your days exploring a new location.
  3. Invite a small group over for dinner – this can be a really easy way to bring different but new people together. Again, the focus can be on the food, and it’s a short, defined time if things aren’t going too well! After dinner, you could try some conversation starters (see below) if you’re a bit nervous about keeping the conversation going!

Keeping the friendship alive

I know, life gets busy, but keeping relationships takes work. Here are some tips to keep the relationship strong.

  1. Make an effort to see your friends at least once per month. During that time, make sure you’re spending quality time together – making time to talk to each other one on one. So if you go to the movies, or theatre or a show, make sure you also grab a drink afterward, or dinner beforehand.
  2. Don’t forget to pick up the phone and just have a chat every now and then.
  3. Use social media to share smaller moments you can bond over. See something that reminds you of something you shared? Send it to your friend with a short message.
  4. Remember birthdays and Christmas – even if it’s just by sending a card.
  5. Need some inspiration for things to do? Try some of these ideas to bring inspiration into your life.

BONUS: Fun Conversation Starters For Dinner Parties

  1. If someone was going to make a movie of your life, what actor would you choose to play you?
  2. What is the most boring sport ever?
  3. When making a cup of tea, do you put the milk in first or last? Why?
  4. If you could be invisible for one day, what would you do?
  5. Which two historical figures would produce the most amazing children?
  6. Who would you choose to rule the world and why?
  7. If you were forced to change your nationality, what nationality would you choose?

Related content: Read Moving On article How to make cooking fun again

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going, at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

The Importance of Being Social (E14)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast – episode 14

Human beings are social animals, which is why forced isolation is driving so many of us up the walls. We discuss the science behind why we need to be social, and how best to be social, and offer some tips to keep your sanity in today’s locked down world.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker, focused on change and resiliency. My co-host is Peter.  

P: Hi I’m Peter Furness and I’m a roof gardening, garage exercising, sometimes carpenter of strange door frames. Each week we will bring to you the latest news of research in the world of positive psychology. Otherwise, known as happiness.  

M: You can visit us at www.marieskelton.com and on that site you can send us ideas for people to interview or topics to cover or just tell us we’re wrong! [laughs] So today’s podcast… what are we talking about today, Pete?  

P: We’re talking about socialising and isolation.  

M: Sounds like a plan. Cue music.  

[Happy music] 

P: Happy music, it just it still makes us laugh. You said it wouldn’t, but it does.  

M: It does. I hate and love it at the same time. Okay. All right. Well, Pete, today we’re talking about being social and particularly in light of coronavirus and being socially isolated for a lot of us. I think this is going to be a great conversation because of our personalities the introvert and extrovert, we’re on almost polar opposite ends.  

P: Almost. There’s a bit of each of each of us in the other.  

M: Definitely. And they say about introverts and extraverts that you’re never 100% one or 0% the other. There’s a mix in there. It’s a good mixed drink. 

P: Yeah, but you’re loving the isolation. You’re getting in there, you’re in a happy space.  

M: I’m thriving. Yeah, definitely. I am finding my passion in delving into creative pursuits and not being bothered by pesky people.  

P: Haha, Pesky people almost sounds like a tongue twister. It’s actually my first quote for today is “solitude is not negative for everyone.”  

M: Absolutely love it.  

P: It is a balancing act though it’s, even for introverts, there’s the whole thing about how much social isolation is too much and people in the research that I’ve done, and the people have read, they have talked about even introverts can have too much isolation and too much alone time. And that’s kind of the space that I think I’m going to dive into a little bit today, is how to find the right balance with social isolation.  

M: I absolutely agree. I think the other distinction here is being alone is very different from being lonely, and that for me is the line that you cross. You can thrive while being alone, but at some point if you’re alone too much, you may become lonely, and that’s a really dangerous place to be. And I think we mentioned that we did talk about the benefits of being alone in one of our previous episodes.

So just to give us the same the same grounding. In order for our species to survive, we needed to be social. And it’s a uniquely human trait. To have the ability to be compassionate and to care.  

P: Yes, definitely. It’s one of our really important mechanisms that our species has used to survive because we inherently care about the other person and we’ve got that pack mentality.

M: Yeah 

P: Shultz, Opie and Atkinson from Oxford University and we’ve got the University of St Andrews in Fyfe in the UK that have all done studies that prove this, and they talk about the way that communication was needed for our primates to survive, and also that communication was invented to go beyond the geographical. So we started using language. We started using symbols and hieroglyphics and all that sort of stuff to communicate, even though we couldn’t be next to somebody. So that’s been one of the chief aspects that has allowed us as a species to evolve.  

M: Yeah, absolutely. And along the way, as we’ve evolved, we’ve become craftier and craftier at designing tools to enable us to communicate. And one of the, I think the ironies of all of this is that face to face communication, time and time again has been proven to be the deepest and most beneficial form of communication. And all these tools that we’ve designed lately are actually taking us away from what is essentially the best way to communicate. So, writing on people’s Facebook, Twitter feeds, etcetera… all these other social media channels, email, even telephone. All of that is not ever as good as face to face communication.  

P: And there’s a reason scientifically for it Marie.

M: [Laugh]

P: I’ve got some information here that talks about face to face interaction by Susan Pinker, she talks about stimulating neurotransmitters primarily it’s oxytocin, which is the big one that’s concerned with the reward and pleasure and then we’ve also got dopamine and serotonin, which are also secreted during that face on face interaction. [Laugh] Now you could say that face time and zooming –

M: [Laughing] Hold on, hold on –

P: What, what, what, what?

M: You just said face on face.

P: Face on face interaction. It means you’re looking at someone.

M: No, face on face is like ‘I got to second base’.

P: [Laugh] it’s, okay… I’ve lost my train of thought now.  

M: I’ll pick up, then I’ll keep going with that. So, apart from all the feel-good chemicals in there, there are a raft of benefits, so face to face communication is the best. The other ways that we communicate and bond with other people are still valid in the absence of face to face. So before you all run screaming for your… bedroom – like you can’t go far right now with COVID-19 wherever it is that you run to, to hide in your house – because you’re there alone and we’ve just told you face to face is the best way to communicate. There are still other ways that you can communicate and still get the benefits, but they just won’t be as strong. And that’s probably a lot of what people are missing right now, particularly the extroverts who thrive off those positive chemicals

P: I’ve got some statistics here that from Professor Matthew Lieberman at the University of California in Los Angeles. He talks about the fact that that social motivation, social contact helps to improve memory formation and memory recall in your brain. So it’s keeps your neuro plasticity going, which is a huge aspect which we’ll talk about later in terms of the Super Ages, the people who are over eighty and all that cognitive, behavioural stuff that goes on. So being social and having a social conscience actually really triggers all that sort of stuff. And the other big one that he, he talks about is the neurodegenerative diseases. So it protects the brain from falling into that space where you’re not using certain pathways, you’re not using your links and they can die. If we’re not using all that, as we age as well, it becomes more important and I’ll talk about that more when we get down to that section.

M: What section? Let’s talk about it now.

P: Oh, okay. So super ageists, people over 80, they have, the ones who do really well have a really good quality of life. There’s one thing that they have identified with the research that they all have and that’s close friendships, and it’s funny that they liken this to teenagers. When we’re teenagers we have lots of really good friends and we’re hanging out, we’re going to the mall. We’re doing all this sort of stuff and they say that the Super Ages, who have those kinds of friendships into that later years actually have the behavioural cognition of teenagers.

M: Yep

P: So their brains are like teenagers. The contact with fellow ages provides a support for when times are tough. So when you are going through a bad time, or you are having issues with financial issues or personal relationships or just not feeling great, if you’re with a closely bonded group, people pick up on that. It only takes one person to go. Do you need a cup of tea Beryl? Maybe an iced vovo?

M: [Laugh] I love that you switch into 80 year old country Australian lady.

P: [Laugh] everybody had 90 year old Beryl or Aunty Esme.

M: [Laugh] Esme, we all watched ‘A Country Practice’.

P: [Laugh] Yeah, exactly.

M: What I love about the Super Ages and for those of you who may not be familiar with the term of super agers, Pete mentioned is over 80 and they are living a good life, free of major health concerns. So the main ones, the big ones, are any of the degenerative neuro[logical] or brain diseases.

P: Dementia and Alzheimer’s.

M: And Diabetes is another disease that can severely impact your wellbeing later in life. And I think it’s great, there’s a community and a concept that came out of this community in Japan called Ikigai, and if you haven’t looked up Ikigai it is a great way to do a bit of self-reflection about what’s important to you in life in general, and to help find your purpose and passions so Ikigai all about finding a purpose and passion. And they’ve got this group of super ages in Japan who were not only over 80 they’re all over 100.

[Laughter]

M: Right?! And they’re all great, like they’re just killing it, right. And they’ve got these great cultural norms in that town that mean that their society is so tight knit and they all look after each other. And it’s all about the social aspect.  And when you look at super ages in, they call them blue zones around the world. So where are the pockets of the people that are living good lives later in life? There are definitely things to be said for not smoking, not consuming too much alcohol. Having good diets, doing exercise but all of those things vary except –

P: The one constant.

M: The one constant is your social connections and the depth of social connections. It’s really fascinating.

P: There’s another doctor who studied at an island in Greece, Dr. Archelle Georgiou and she studied Super Ages in Greece, who had a very strong family ties and spent the majority of their time with family, so um, and I think this is something that there’s also very indicative in Asian cultures is that grandma lives with the kids. So there’s Mom and Dad, there’s kids but Grandma and Grandpa are there as well and there’s a real family unit and you see it as well in other cultures, like the Italian culture and the Greek culture. Nonna and Nonno, they’re always around and there’s a really sense of commitment to that generational gap and being a part of each other’s lives. And I think that ultimately that helps, that helps create that sense of community and that sense of support. So again, reaching out to those people who are who are older is really vital because everybody benefits.

M: Yeah, I think the sad thing about what you’ve said there is that a lot of Western countries started off that way, too. But as our social safety systems have evolved, it has enabled our older people to remain independent for longer, and I don’t think that, that’s necessarily helping them. So when you have the pension and you can stay in your home, even though your significant other may have passed away. You can stay there by yourself because you could afford to. Then it really can lead to isolation. Being lonely is such an epidemic right now around the world, and they’re saying a lot of the reasons people are lonely is because we’ve actually progressed so much in society that we can be. We’re choosing it without realising the negative impact.

P: Definitely.

M: And it’s really something that people have grown up learning to covet and cherish, [it] is the ability to have your own space.

P: Yeah.

M: But just like you were saying before Pete, if you’re an introvert, you need to be careful. Well, if you live alone, you also need to be really careful.

P: Yeah, I’m going to cut in there, Marie, because there’s a there’s a couple of tips in there for people that can actually monitor their alone time. And this comes from psychology today in the States and its basically checking in and asking yourself a couple of couple of really easy questions. And the first one is how does alone time make you feel on a scale of 1 to 10. Do you feel great when you’re alone or do you feel slightly depressed, or not even depressed that just a little bit sad when you’re alone? If you’re checking that in on daily basis, if you’ve got two weeks of social isolation. If you’ve just come off a ship or something and you’re on your own that first week, you like, ‘yeah, I’m good. I’m watching … series, you know, having a great time, I’m ordering pizza, it’s really good.’ And then, towards the end of that second week your rating might be down to the down to the twos and the threes because you’re starting to crave a little bit of contact. And I think that’s a really good, easy way of checking in with yourself and just going. ‘How does being alone make me feel today?’

P: The other one that they talk about is having a weekly quota of social time. So this is a really interesting one for introverts, because for some introverts, it’s really difficult to clock up two hours of community social time for the extroverts they’re in there at [Click, click, click] six or seven.

M: Pete’s clicking his fingers if you’re wondering what that sound is. Remember it’s a podcast Pete [laugh].

P: Oh, I thought we were recording.

M: But I think a really good point there, though, is that for introverts. A lot of them thrive in one to one conversation, and that is their comfort zone. And that’s where they get their really solid social interaction.

P: And that’s still social time. It’s still valid.

M: And we’re not… We’re not having wild parties right now because we’ve tried it on Zoom and we just end up talking over each other and it doesn’t work. But I think, I think it’s, it’s important to point out that introverts won’t shy away from one on one conversations that often. They actually quite enjoy them and are drawn to those so that could actually suit the way that introverts enjoy communicating.

P: Okay, yeah, I’ll definitely give you that. I still think that the idea of having a quota of hours that you’ve got to clock, I think it’s a good recognition, like if you’re easily clocking [click, click, click] three or four hours a week, there’s me clicking again.

[Laughter]

P: It’s the inner dance teacher in me, ‘5,6,7,8.’

[More laughter]

P: Sorry, if you’re clocking that quota time easily, then obviously it is working for you. But if you’re not, if you’re only managing 30 minutes of social time a week, that’s an indication that you might need to look at other ways to try and make yourself a little more social you’re in that danger area of possibly falling in too much alone time.

M: So I love what you said about clocking it. I’ll just snap my fingers. [click, click]

P: [Laugh]

M: Clocking the time that you feel you need, but how much you need? I wouldn’t quantify that because I think everyone differs.

P: OK

M: And I think you could go an entire week loving your life and being left alone by the world and not need to see anyone. And the next week you might need to talk to someone every day.

P: OK, I’ll give you that. I’ll agree with that one.

M: Woohoo. Yeah, that’s a win that’s the first time in season.

[Laughter]

P: Oh, come on. You’ve had a few wins. I’ve let you have a few ones.

M: We do tend to not agree a lot though, don’t we?

P: We agree surprisingly well on a lot of this stuff actually.

M: Yeah, we do.

P: It’s a little bit concerning [laugh].

M: So what I do love as far as tips so obviously face to face is better. So the next best thing while in self-isolation is to do video chatting. And obviously we’re doing too much because you, you know, working from home in an office type of role where you’re having meetings, then you might want to scale that back in your after-hours time. But for everyone else, we should be trying to make eye contact with people and see facial expressions and bond Pete, just like what we’re doing now.

P: [Laugh] I’ve read something recently about, talk to your neighbours, that sense of doing that whole thing and talking to your neighbour, which I think in a city like Sydney, we’ve kind of, especially in the city, we’ve lost that. We don’t talk to our neighbours much anymore.

M: No, because they could be crazy! That’s what happens when you move to the big city Pete. Only the crazies actually talk to you, which is why everyone else doesn’t talk.

P: Oh, no, I’m not going to give you that one. I’m not going to give you that one. It takes for one person to actually say something, and it could be that you’re putting your head over your neighbour’s back fence to tell them to turn the bloody workout music down. That’s fine.

M: I’m trying to find my neighbour, I’m in apartment block and I was trying to find my neighbour the other day who was playing music, that I wanted them to turn up and I was like ‘this is awesome, where are you?’

[Laughter]

P: And that’s what I’m saying, I love some things that I’ve seen. There was a wonderful Facebook video of Joyce Mayne, who’s a very butch drag queen here in Sydney. And she was on the rooftop of her apartment building in Potts Point and she had a stereo system blasting, and she had someone filming and she got into full drag. And she did a full Robin take off of dancing on my own on her rooftop, and everybody stuck their heads out the windows and watched and clapped and that’s, and that’s face on face.

[Laugh]

P: It’s face to face time.

M: It went from drag show to…

[Laughter]

P: But that’s what I mean, those sorts of interactions are every bit as vital, and it is about that thing of recognising the person that you actually do see so it can be your neighbour going ‘Yeah, I saw the cat the other day, how’s she doing?

M: So I have heard of some really good things that people can do while they’re on video chats. So if you’re getting bored with just calling friends, I’ve got some tips and ideas. Virtual coffees, so we’ve been doing those with colleagues at work, so you’re going to grab a coffee anyway. You’ll just cheque in, have a bit of a chat. No work conversations allowed.

P: It’s the old fashion, smoko.

M: Yeah it is or water cooler conversations because they’ve stopped, right? Yes. So the gossip mill has just died in all these corporate [environments].

P: [Laugh] Oh, dear. Beryl’s not going to be happy about that.

M: No. And then the one I love is quarantinis.

P: Oh, that sounds fun.

M: We should schedule one of those for later in the week Pete.

P: Oh dear, that could be dangerous.

M: And then the last one is fitness classes or fitness with friends. Or just seeing what your local gyms doing a lot of gyms and personal trainers and now during classes online. And there is still some social interaction with that. If you do it with someone else, you know, you’re more likely to do it. It keeps you more motivated and the benefits of the exercise are improved or increased.

P: Definitely, yeah. Science says so and it’s all about the science Marie.

M: Science says!

[Laughter]

M: And before we go, the one thing that we didn’t say being social is critical for your happiness. We didn’t come..  

P: Oh.

M: Why are we here Pete? What’s the name of our podcast?

P: [Laugh] Well, it’s sort of inherent, really. I mean, we could talk for hours about that. We probably have over several different episodes to be honest.

M: Yep and I think we might call it an episode. Thank you for joining us and visit us.

P: Done! Done and dusted.

M: Please join us @marieskelton.com to find all of our podcast episodes and accompanying research. Until next time.

P: Stay happy people.

[Happy exit music]