Unapologetically Marie

Writer, podcaster, mental health advocate

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What is a State of Flow and How to Find it

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What is a State of Flow?

Flow is a concept made famous by one of the pioneers of positive psychology Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. Being in a state of flow means you’re completely focused on the task at hand, to the point that you forget about yourself, about others and about the world around you. You might lose track of time, but it doesn’t matter because you are so engrossed in your activity, so happy in the moment.

“Contrary to what we usually believe (…) the best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times—although such experiences can also be enjoyable, if we have worked hard to attain them. The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.”

Mihály Csíkszentmihályi

There’s nothing better than spending a few hours in a state of flow to complete a task. The ability to focus on deep work and find distraction-free concentration can be hugely satisfying. It’s that feeling of having ticked a million things off your to-do list or finally sending your boss that huge presentation you’ve been working on.

Indeed, Csíkszentmihályi’s research has shown that people who experience a state of flow not only enjoy performing the task more, but they also have increased productivity and satisfaction, and reduced stress while increasing the quality of the output.

“Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It’s not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it’s a day you’ve had everything to do and you’ve done it.”

Margaret Thatcher

So, how does the state of flow work?

There’s a part of the brain called the Default Mode Network (DMN) where all your autopilot activities happen – you know those times you leave work and before you know it you’re home and you think, “wow I don’t really remember how I got home.” That’s when the DMN is running the show.

As kids, everything is new and we’re constantly learning. As we get older, things become more ‘the same’ and as a result our brains don’t need to try as hard, instead operating in the DMN. But when we’re in a state of flow, just like when we’re experiencing awe, we move from the autopilot part of our brains to the learning and inspiration part.

“Dampening DMN activity may be key to giving us a sense of self-transcendence. Other studies have found decreased DMN activity when participants entered a flow state, during meditation, and when participants under the influence of psychedelics experienced “ego dissolution,” according to Summer Allen a Research/Writing Fellow with UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.

In short, when we’re in a state of flow, we’re coming off autopilot and experiencing the world in a deeper and more meaningful way.

Three steps to put flow into practice

1. Get rid of technological distractions

To engage in truly deep work, you need to limit or eliminate interruptions and find a way to silence the change storm! So, turn off your phone, or put it on silent and leave it in another room (to stop you checking it!). If you’re working on your computer, be sure to turn off email notifications.

2. Get away from other people

From kids asking you questions, or the phone ringing, or the TV blaring, our busy lives can feel like one big interruption. Similarly, today’s modern office spaces are built to encourage collaboration, but often at the expense of deep work. So, let others around you know they’re not to disturb you for a set period of time and close the door. Or try to get out of the busy environment for a few hours, try the local library or a coffee shop with some noise cancelling headphones. If you’re at work, try to find a peaceful space alone, or if you’re one of the lucky few who can work from home, guard that privilege with your life!

3. Find a suitable task that you can immerse yourself in

One of the key requirements of the state of flow is that the task be sufficiently difficult, without being overwhelmingly difficult or unachievable. That perfect task will be completely subjective but it will often revolve around mastering a skill or task or completing a big task or project. Here are some activities that might inspire you.

Personally, I’ve been lucky to have the time to tackle quite a few projects that have given me flow lately. I recently launched a blog, and aside from writing, I’ve been reading and researching all about websites, web security, SEO and e-commerce and putting it all into practice. I’ve often looked up after a whole day of research and fiddling with my site to see the sun has gone down and my husband arrived home hours ago without me really registering it.

I hope you find your flow too.

Mihaly Csíkszentmihályi talks about flow at TED

Tell us. What activities do you do that help you to experienced flow?

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How to Practice Gratitude, and Why You Should do it

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How to Practice Gratitude

In today’s high stress, constantly changing world, it can be hard to work out what will make life easier and what is just more noise. Thankfully, practicing gratitude is not only science backed, but also really easy and cheap. Plus, if you practice gratitude you’ll be happier, less stressed and have higher overall wellbeing and satisfaction with your life and social relationships. Read on to learn how to practice gratitude and why it matters.

What is Gratitude?

The Oxford Dictionary defines gratitude as “the quality of being thankful, and readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.”

Gratitude is often mistaken as a sign of politeness—something that parents teach kids to impress other adults and prepare kids for more formal social experiences.

Actually, it is a much deeper human characteristic that fundamentally supports our capacity to work in social groups. It’s all about being collaborative and working well with others in harmony.  When we express gratitude, we affirm mutual dependence with others and convey interest in future collaboration. When others express gratitude to us, we are infused with purpose, motivation and common humanity. When we feel gratitude, we grow more attuned to what is good in life and connect that goodness to other people.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.

Cicero, Roman orator and philosopher

Benefits of Practicing Gratitude

Now I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a sceptic. So, I really need some good science to make me take more time out of my week to do something that on the surface may seem a bit airy-fairy. So, here’s what a tiny sample of the studies show:

UC Berkeley’s Summer Allen writes that grateful people are happier, more satisfied, less materialistic and have better mental and physical health. 

Northeastern professor and author of Emotional Success, David DeSteno, has spent his life studying gratitude and his research shows that gratitude helps people have more self-control – which in turn helps them to achieve goals.

In fact, according to DeSteno, “People feeling grateful are more likely to help others who request assistance, to divide their profits in a more egalitarian way, to be loyal even at cost to themselves, to be less materialistic, and even to exercise as opposed to loafing.”

A study by Emmons & McCullough published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2003 showed that participants who kept a gratitude journal weekly for 10 weeks or daily for two weeks experienced more positive moods, optimism about the future, and better sleep.

Practicing Gratitude at Work

At work, practicing gratitude can be hugely beneficial as it helps to keep people out of their head, and in a positive frame of mind. This is particularly relevant in today’s corporate world, which is currently advocating for failing fast and sharing failures. While it’s important to analyse and learn from mistakes, focusing too much on failures can sometimes mean we think too much about what goes wrong and not enough about what goes right.

Additionally, with today’s increasing pace of change and constant striving to keep up with competitors, shifting markets and new trends, it can be easy to keep focusing on what’s next, then what’s next, then what’s next after that. Add to that a lot of the time, in today’s Agile organisations with a constant iteration mindset, it can feel like nothing is ever done, and therefore nothing is ever good enough.

But, practicing gratitude forces employees to stop and pay attention to the good things they’re accomplishing. It makes them appreciate the things they might otherwise take for granted. In that way, they start to become more attuned to the sources of pleasure around them—and the emotional tone of their work life can shift in profound ways.

Multiple studies back this up (see here and here). These studies have found that cultivating gratitude toward the workplace can help alleviate negative emotions and attitudes at work. Also, employees with higher levels of gratitude toward work are more likely to excel by going above and beyond their job tasks.

So, in short, cultivating a culture of gratitude in your organisation will improve performance and engagement, which leads to better retention.

How to Practice Gratitude and Make it a Habit

Here’s the best part of practicing gratitude. It’s really easy and cheap. You just need to get into the habit of doing it. You can pick any, or all of the below ideas and add them into your week. Here’s how to practice gratitude:

Journaling: Writing about what you’re grateful for is key. Research suggests translating thoughts into concrete language makes us more aware of them, deepening their emotional impact. Two or three times per week is enough, and it’s useful to reflect on smaller, more frequent things—such as a modest bit of help from a friend or colleague. You can simply pick up a notebook from the shops, or you can buy one of the hundreds of options online, like the ones below.

Write a thank you note: Summer Allen’s research shows that actually taking action and physically writing out letters of thanks to people is an even better way to harness the power of gratitude. So, when writing in your journal, keep an eye out for a person who has come up multiple times or has gone above and beyond.

Conversations: At the dinner table each night or on a certain day each week, start a conversation with your family or friends and take turns letting everyone know what you’re most grateful for that day or week. This has the added benefit of being a good conversation starter and helps to build stronger social bonds!

Volunteer: Not only is this the ultimate way to show gratitude, but research has shown that helping others through acts of charity or volunteer work can make you feel better and happier.

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VIDEO: Weathering the Change Storm

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We’re all living in a Change Storm and experiencing more change, more often than ever before. It’s making us sick, with anxiety, stress and burnout.

In this video, I share some of the results of my research and the secret to why some people are resilient, while others are not. Learn about the three foundations to build your mental strength and resilience, so you can weather the Change Storm and cope with anything life throws at you.

See transcript below.

Want to know more? You can find out more about the Change Storm and how to build your resilience, or read about My story.

Dealing with the Change Storm

There are science-backed activities you can do to better manage your stress and build your resiliecy. Check out my posts under the below topics for some ideas on how to manage your stress, or speak to a professional.

Community and Connection: Connecting with others and contributing to your community are proven to build emotional resiliency and make your life happier. It is so important not to neglect this part of your life, especially if it doesn’t come easily, like when work is really busy or if you’re a natural introvert.

Health and Wellbeing: Your health and wellbeing is critical to your happiness. Luckily, there is a wealth of information about how to make small changes to your life to make it healthier and improve your wellbeing.

Meaning and Purpose: Having a sense of meaning and purpose in life is critical to resiliency and living a happy life. You need it to thrive and flourish. It’s about having a reason to get out of bed in the morning, setting goals and having commitments. Some lucky people get that purpose through their job, but many of us get our purpose through other activities such as volunteering, learning or experiencing new things or caring for others.

TRANSCRIPT: Weathering the Change Storm

Now, more than any other time in human history, we’re experiencing more change, more often than ever before. It’s a change storm. And it can feel like it’s raining down on us, and there’s hailstones pelting us. And there’s that sideways rain, and it’s even raining cats and dogs… and even men.

There is no escaping change today. So why are we so bad at coping with it? Now I’m no stranger to change. I come from an elite sports background, having played volleyball for Australia and on scholarship in the states college. I started my career as a journalist working with USA Today and then moving to large multinational organizations, where I coached senior executives.

But a couple of years ago, I was on holidays with a friend when I had a motorbike accident and I nearly died. But that wasn’t the worst of it.

The worst part wasn’t being told I’d probably have to have my leg amputated.

And it wasn’t the three months in hospital, the 12 surgeries, the years of pain and rehab.

The worst part was a few months after the accident, shortly after I got home.

One day, I started crying. And I wheeled myself into my bedroom and put myself to bed and that’s where my husband found me when he got home from work that night. And that’s where I stayed crying for the next four days. It was the start of a very long journey to regain my mental health.

And when I got out of that dark space, I started talking to people who’d been through major life changes. And I went from feeling alone and confused about what I’d gone through to feeling indignant that so many people I spoke to had similar stories to mine. They had been through major change and they hadn’t coped.

So I ask you again, why are we not able to deal with this change when we all know it’s happening?

So being an ex journalist, I’ve spent the last few months talking to people around the world. I’ve spoken to Olympic athletes and their coaches, to former and current military personnel to people who’ve been made redundant and people who’ve retired, a second of people who’ve been given heartbreaking diagnoses and who’ve experienced trauma.

The great news is there are three foundations that people who cope with change well have.

Now this isn’t to say that those people don’t feel pain. When things go wrong, they still experience the stress of the situation. But they bounce back faster. And they don’t let it overwhelm them and lead them to depression. So I’m guessing you want to know what those three things are?

So firstly, they have purpose and meaning in their life. And for a lot of us, that means a job. But there is variety here. It’s what gets you out of bed in the morning. It’s having goals and commitments.

The second thing is they’ve got strong social bonds. They’ve invested time into a core group of people that they feel like can depend on. They also often have a wider community of people around them due to things like church, sports groups, and volunteering activities.

The third thing these people have is that they practice and prioritize health and wellness habits. Now the habits themselves can vary between things like yoga, practicing gratitude and mindfulness, to hardcore gym junkies or simply eating healthfully and drinking water. But they prioritize those habits in their lives over the other things that get in the way of day to day life.

Now, you’re probably wondering what happened to me and how I got myself out of that mental health hole and to be honest, it was dumb luck. Two things happened around the same time.

Being an athlete, I was getting bored with my rehab, it was going a bit too slowly. And one day I rolled into my physio, and I said I’ve just booked my flights to Machu Picchu, we’ve got a year to get me there. And last October, I did hike Machu Picchu [applause]. But that gave me a goal gave me a purpose and it lit a fire.

The second thing that happened around the same time is a good friend of mine railroaded me into coaching Sydney’s LGBTQ first ever competitive volleyball club. And what I didn’t know at the time is that those crazy, loving, fabulous men would give me back my community and my social bonds that I’d lost when I’d come home from hospital all of a sudden. And I can’t thank them enough.

So if there’s two things that I want to leave you with today, firstly, if you’re going through change, please know that you’re not alone if you’re struggling.

Secondly, you will all go through change at some point in your future. So take stock of your life. Look at those three things — workaholics in particular — make sure there is balance and you’re investing in your social bonds and the people around you and that you’re taking time to look after yourself.

Thank you

The Change Storm

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We’re all living in a change storm – experiencing more change, more often than ever before.

Whether we’re starting our first job, moving interstate or overseas, changing careers or retiring, it’s clear that life is full of major transitions and changes. So, why are so many of us unprepared? Why are we so often not equipped to deal with that change, even though quite often we know it’s coming and sometimes we’re even looking forward to it?!

Can it really be true that we all go through major life changes, yet none of us are taught how to be prepared to do it well?

We’re Living in a Change Storm

Globalisation and technological change are transforming companies, industries, countries and societies. More than that, they’re leading to uncertain, volatile ways of living and working. We’ve all heard it before, the only constant is change, and there’s no escaping change in our lives.

For instance, did you know…?

  • Globally, 14 percent of jobs could disappear in the next 15-20 years, and another 32 percent are likely to change radically.
  • In Australia, some jobs cuts are estimated as high as 40%, and possibly even more in rural areas. This means many Australians should prepare to lose their jobs or have to change jobs in the future.
  • In the US, more than 70,000 baby boomers will reach retirement age every single week until 2030, and hundreds of thousands of service members separate from the military each year.
  • In the UK, there were 2.34 million higher education students in 2017-18 who were preparing to enter the workforce.
  • And the latest research shows that most people will change their career 5 or more times in a lifetime.
The Change Storm

You Can’t Ignore the Change Storm

Now, I am no stranger to change and stress. I come from an elite sports background. I started my career in journalism before moving to a successful career in public affairs, advising top executives in multinational corporations both here in Australia and in the U.S.

But, a couple of years ago, I had just finished a season as the captain of the NSW State Women’s Volleyball team, and I was on holidays in central Vietnam with my best friend when I had a motorbike accident and nearly died.

But here’s the kicker, that wasn’t the worst part.

The worst part wasn’t when I thought I would have to have my leg amputated. It wasn’t the 12 surgeries, and years of pain and rehab. And the worst part wasn’t being told I would never play volleyball again – even though that was a devastating day.

The worst part was months after my accident. That was when everything fell apart, and it was a long road to regain my mental health.

Once on the other side of that dark place, I began to really question why my resilience had left me then. Why was I mentally tough when I had played volleyball in packed stadiums, and when counselling angry executives during huge crises, or even during my horrific accident, but not when I was making progress in recovery and looking forward to going home?

As I was trying to unpack everything I had experienced, I began to talk to people who’d had similar periods of depression following big life changes. And I went from feeling alone and ashamed that I hadn’t coped well, to feeling indignant that this was so common, yet no one had warned any of us what to expect!

The Three Resilience Foundations

So, being an ex-journo, I decided I needed to interview people all over the world. I’ve spoken to Olympic athletes and coaches, to current and former military personnel, to people who have retired, changed careers or been made redundant, and I’ve spoken to people who’ve had heart-breaking diagnoses and accidents.

And here’s what I’ve learned: Resilient people – the people who deal with whatever life throws at them – have balance across 3 key foundations.

This isn’t to say that when things go wrong or bad, that resilient people don’t feel pain and sadness. It means that despite the change storm, resilience people did not let times of higher stress overwhelm them or lead to depression.

1. Purpose and Meaning

Firstly, they have purpose and meaning in their lives, and this is often tied to a strong sense of identity and self. This is about having something to get you out of bed in the morning, and about having goals, plans and commitments.

2. Community and Connections

Secondly, they have strong community and connections. They have a core group of people they could talk to and depend on, they also tend to have a wider community network, through activities like church or regular volunteering.

3. Healthy Mind and Body Habits

Thirdly, they practice and prioritise some positive habits for a healthy body and mind. That could be getting out into nature for walks, going to the gym, or playing on a sports team, or it could be meditation, drinking water, and making sure they get 8hrs of sleep. The activity itself varied, the main point was that resilient people prioritise their own self-care habits.

3 resilience foundations

So, there is nothing particularly ground-breaking here, this is common sense, right? So, why are we getting it wrong?

My Story

Being discharged from hospital was a monumental achievement and happy day, but what I had failed to understand, is that while I was in hospital the fight to survive and keep my leg had given my life meaning and purpose. Similarly, I had the support and daily interactions with the army of healthcare professionals, friends and family who had rallied by my side.

But in one fell swoop, I lost it all. The second I came home, I was left mostly alone and with no real purpose. There were a lot of empty hours in the day, and it didn’t take long for me to crash.

My mental health recovery was gradual, and largely due to dumb luck. There were two changes that happened around the same time that helped me find my mental health again.

Firstly, I had been quite frustrated at how slow rehabilitation is. I’d been an athlete, and I am quite competitive, and I was already bored. So, one day I rolled my wheelchair into the gym and told my physio I had booked flights to Machu Picchu in a year’s time. That gave me a goal and lit a fire.

Around that same time one of my good friends begged me to help him establish a competitive volleyball program for Sydney’s LGBTIQ Volleyball Club. They needed a coach who could launch and run a new program. He had it all planned out, so I didn’t have any excuses. I reluctantly agreed, not having the strength to look him in the eye and say no, even though that’s all I really wanted to say. A few weeks later, I rolled my wheelchair into the gym for tryouts, preparing myself for the looks of confusion and doubt from the adult men in the gym. I couldn’t have known at the time that these fabulous, dramatic, caring men would save me. Because they might not know it, but they gave me back my identity, my community. They gave me back some meaning and purpose. And slowly, I began to heal. To move on.

Weathering the Change Storm

So, my question to you is simple: are you the most resilient you can be to ensure you can weather the change storm?

If nothing else, there are two things I hope you take from this site:

Firstly, if you’re going through change, and if you’re struggling, please know you’re not alone. This story is far more common than we are led to believe.

Secondly, good change and bad change will happen. You can’t escape it. So here’s my challenge to you: take stock of your life now and the balance you may or may not have in your three resilience foundations, because it’s too late after you’ve retired, or been made redundant, or had that accident. But if you maintain and protect these foundations, you can weather even the fiercest of storms.

Unless you plan on hiding under a rock for the rest of your life, you will face a major life change at some point, if you haven’t already – so be prepared.

Related content: Read Moving On article 5 ways to teach kids resiliency and happiness, listen to our Podcast: The Benefits of Psychological Safety (E16)

Thanks for visiting and please reach out to me with any questions! Wishing you all love and best wishes for your change journey.