Unapologetically Marie

Writer, podcaster, mental health advocate

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How Caregivers Can Stay Resilient

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There’s a special place in heaven for caregivers.

With an ageing population, caregiving is something that more and more of us will have to step into at some time in our lives. It’s an often-thankless role, involving putting one’s own needs aside, neglecting oneself even, to focus solely on the care and comfort of a loved one.

Who is Caring for the Caregivers?

Looking after others, particularly if they’re approaching the end of their lives, can be the hardest thing a person can go through. Yet, all the focus is often on the person who is sick.

The simple fact is that the psychological, social and health impacts of caring for others can take its toll on even the most resilient and positive of people, and more often than not, the role of caregiver also ends with devastating heartache.

When I was in hospital following a motorbike accident, my husband took time off work and was constantly by my side for weeks. He eventually had to go back to work, or risk losing his job, but he continued to visit me every evening as soon as he could and would stay until the nurses told him to leave for the night.

After leaving the hospital, he would go home and start the household chores, which had suddenly all fallen to him. He’d cook and prepare meals for the week, he’d do the laundry, clean the house, pay the bills, feed the cat and take her to the vet for vaccinations. He lived among a pile of boxes for months, as we had only just bought our first apartment and hadn’t yet moved in when the accident happened.

His life revolved around me… my doctors visits, my surgeries, my recovery. But in some ways, he was lucky, because he could escape the banality of my hospital room and the stress of the situation and go to work for 9 hours a day. He got a small reprieve every day – granted it was only work – but many don’t. Still, it was hard on him, I could see it.

The good news is that research shows us that caregivers who practice positive emotion skills benefit greatly, with increases in positive moods and ultimately less depression.

Caring for the Caregivers

Researcher Judith Moskowitz explains that building moments of positivity into caregivers’ weeks can help to cope with the stressors of caregiving and can build your resiliency to deal with what’s going on in your life.

“We’re really clear in this intervention—or we try to be—that this is not about pretending like things aren’t bad or difficult, or that you’re not distressed or stressed. It’s about understanding that you can experience positive emotion alongside the negative. The negative is what it is; it should be acknowledged and addressed if it’s at high levels that are unsustainable,” said Judith in an interview with Greater Good Magazine.

Here are three types of interventions, backed by Judith and her team’s research, that you can take to help bring more positivity and resilience into your life as a caregiver:

  1. Being thankful: Take the time every day to notice the positive things you have in your life. Every evening before bed, write down 2-3 things that you are thankful for and, over time, watch your outlook on life change.
  2. Mindfulness: Adapted from Buddhist practices, everyday mindfulness is about being self-aware and accepting of our thoughts. It is proven to reduce stress and can help to make you feel better. There are plenty of resources online to help you develop mindfulness practices.
  3. Goal setting: Make sure you set some goals outside of the immediate needs of caregiving and work to achieve them. Having goals and something to work towards give additional meaning to your life and is critical for This could be as simple as planning and going on a picnic or a weekend getaway, or you could focus on developing or mastering a skill.

So, please, take the time to look after yourselves too caregivers! And if you think you don’t have time to dedicate to yourself, then let me leave you with the most important takeaway from Judith’s research: people who were happier were better caregivers.

Related content: Read Moving On article Resiliency Is About Recharging And Self-Care, But Are You Doing It Wrong? , listen to our Podcast: Positive Affirmations (E29)

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The Change Storm

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We’re all living in a change storm – experiencing more change, more often than ever before.

Whether we’re starting our first job, moving interstate or overseas, changing careers or retiring, it’s clear that life is full of major transitions and changes. So, why are so many of us unprepared? Why are we so often not equipped to deal with that change, even though quite often we know it’s coming and sometimes we’re even looking forward to it?!

Can it really be true that we all go through major life changes, yet none of us are taught how to be prepared to do it well?

We’re Living in a Change Storm

Globalisation and technological change are transforming companies, industries, countries and societies. More than that, they’re leading to uncertain, volatile ways of living and working. We’ve all heard it before, the only constant is change, and there’s no escaping change in our lives.

For instance, did you know…?

  • Globally, 14 percent of jobs could disappear in the next 15-20 years, and another 32 percent are likely to change radically.
  • In Australia, some jobs cuts are estimated as high as 40%, and possibly even more in rural areas. This means many Australians should prepare to lose their jobs or have to change jobs in the future.
  • In the US, more than 70,000 baby boomers will reach retirement age every single week until 2030, and hundreds of thousands of service members separate from the military each year.
  • In the UK, there were 2.34 million higher education students in 2017-18 who were preparing to enter the workforce.
  • And the latest research shows that most people will change their career 5 or more times in a lifetime.
The Change Storm

You Can’t Ignore the Change Storm

Now, I am no stranger to change and stress. I come from an elite sports background. I started my career in journalism before moving to a successful career in public affairs, advising top executives in multinational corporations both here in Australia and in the U.S.

But, a couple of years ago, I had just finished a season as the captain of the NSW State Women’s Volleyball team, and I was on holidays in central Vietnam with my best friend when I had a motorbike accident and nearly died.

But here’s the kicker, that wasn’t the worst part.

The worst part wasn’t when I thought I would have to have my leg amputated. It wasn’t the 12 surgeries, and years of pain and rehab. And the worst part wasn’t being told I would never play volleyball again – even though that was a devastating day.

The worst part was months after my accident. That was when everything fell apart, and it was a long road to regain my mental health.

Once on the other side of that dark place, I began to really question why my resilience had left me then. Why was I mentally tough when I had played volleyball in packed stadiums, and when counselling angry executives during huge crises, or even during my horrific accident, but not when I was making progress in recovery and looking forward to going home?

As I was trying to unpack everything I had experienced, I began to talk to people who’d had similar periods of depression following big life changes. And I went from feeling alone and ashamed that I hadn’t coped well, to feeling indignant that this was so common, yet no one had warned any of us what to expect!

The Three Resilience Foundations

So, being an ex-journo, I decided I needed to interview people all over the world. I’ve spoken to Olympic athletes and coaches, to current and former military personnel, to people who have retired, changed careers or been made redundant, and I’ve spoken to people who’ve had heart-breaking diagnoses and accidents.

And here’s what I’ve learned: Resilient people – the people who deal with whatever life throws at them – have balance across 3 key foundations.

This isn’t to say that when things go wrong or bad, that resilient people don’t feel pain and sadness. It means that despite the change storm, resilience people did not let times of higher stress overwhelm them or lead to depression.

1. Purpose and Meaning

Firstly, they have purpose and meaning in their lives, and this is often tied to a strong sense of identity and self. This is about having something to get you out of bed in the morning, and about having goals, plans and commitments.

2. Community and Connections

Secondly, they have strong community and connections. They have a core group of people they could talk to and depend on, they also tend to have a wider community network, through activities like church or regular volunteering.

3. Healthy Mind and Body Habits

Thirdly, they practice and prioritise some positive habits for a healthy body and mind. That could be getting out into nature for walks, going to the gym, or playing on a sports team, or it could be meditation, drinking water, and making sure they get 8hrs of sleep. The activity itself varied, the main point was that resilient people prioritise their own self-care habits.

3 resilience foundations

So, there is nothing particularly ground-breaking here, this is common sense, right? So, why are we getting it wrong?

My Story

Being discharged from hospital was a monumental achievement and happy day, but what I had failed to understand, is that while I was in hospital the fight to survive and keep my leg had given my life meaning and purpose. Similarly, I had the support and daily interactions with the army of healthcare professionals, friends and family who had rallied by my side.

But in one fell swoop, I lost it all. The second I came home, I was left mostly alone and with no real purpose. There were a lot of empty hours in the day, and it didn’t take long for me to crash.

My mental health recovery was gradual, and largely due to dumb luck. There were two changes that happened around the same time that helped me find my mental health again.

Firstly, I had been quite frustrated at how slow rehabilitation is. I’d been an athlete, and I am quite competitive, and I was already bored. So, one day I rolled my wheelchair into the gym and told my physio I had booked flights to Machu Picchu in a year’s time. That gave me a goal and lit a fire.

Around that same time one of my good friends begged me to help him establish a competitive volleyball program for Sydney’s LGBTIQ Volleyball Club. They needed a coach who could launch and run a new program. He had it all planned out, so I didn’t have any excuses. I reluctantly agreed, not having the strength to look him in the eye and say no, even though that’s all I really wanted to say. A few weeks later, I rolled my wheelchair into the gym for tryouts, preparing myself for the looks of confusion and doubt from the adult men in the gym. I couldn’t have known at the time that these fabulous, dramatic, caring men would save me. Because they might not know it, but they gave me back my identity, my community. They gave me back some meaning and purpose. And slowly, I began to heal. To move on.

Weathering the Change Storm

So, my question to you is simple: are you the most resilient you can be to ensure you can weather the change storm?

If nothing else, there are two things I hope you take from this site:

Firstly, if you’re going through change, and if you’re struggling, please know you’re not alone. This story is far more common than we are led to believe.

Secondly, good change and bad change will happen. You can’t escape it. So here’s my challenge to you: take stock of your life now and the balance you may or may not have in your three resilience foundations, because it’s too late after you’ve retired, or been made redundant, or had that accident. But if you maintain and protect these foundations, you can weather even the fiercest of storms.

Unless you plan on hiding under a rock for the rest of your life, you will face a major life change at some point, if you haven’t already – so be prepared.

Related content: Read Moving On article 5 ways to teach kids resiliency and happiness, listen to our Podcast: The Benefits of Psychological Safety (E16)

Thanks for visiting and please reach out to me with any questions! Wishing you all love and best wishes for your change journey.