Social Media Detoxing (E15)

Happiness for Cynics podcast

We discuss the reasons why you should do a social media detox, offer some tips to get you started and discuss the benefits of cutting social media out of your life (well, sometimes).

Transcript

M: Hi world. You’re listening to the podcast. Happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a change and resiliency expert, and my co-host is Pete.

P: Hi there. I’m Peter Furness. I’m an isolation domestic goddess, a manager of mischief, and distraction project manager. Each week we’re bringing you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

You can find our podcast and a bunch of resources and articles on change, resiliency, happiness and living your best life all at marieskelton.com.

So for today’s episode we’re talking about social media and particularly, in particular, how to do a social media detox.

So time for the happy music.

[Happy intro music]

M: All right, so welcome to today’s show. Today we’re talking about social media detoxes Pete.

P: Hmm… the detox, a word that I never use and I am very against.

M: Hehe as a principle, so am I.

[Laughter]

P: [Whispers] They don’t work.

[More laughter]

P: In social media maybe they do, we are yet to see.

M: Hmm and I think the irony here is that you’ve kind of done a social media detox at some point in your life haven’t you?

P: I was looking at some of this stuff. Yes, definitely have definitely gone the ah ‘I refuse to be dictated to’, She Ra, Princess of Power says no.

[Laughter]

P: So, I think the reason this is, is so relevant right now, again social isolation is changing our behaviours and our emotions and our lives. It’s changing everything. Covert 19 has had such a big impact on us and one of the things that it has impacted is the amount of social media and media that people are consuming on a day to day basis. So they’re definitely pockets of people who are doing more with their lives. They’re working. Maybe they’re working harder. Particularly the wonderful, wonderful people in the healthcare industry, bless their cotton socks for everything that they’re doing.

Thank you. So there are a lot of people who don’t have more time on their hands. But on the flip side, there are so many people who do have more time on their hands. I’m actually seeing a lot of that in my workplace. I’m getting very polarised experiences of the covert response from movement, to screen time, to balance of life to cooking. There are people who would do really well with this. But there are some people who aren’t. There are certain aspects that some people are going ‘Oh wow, I get time to look after my meal plan a lot more, I can cook at home, I could be eating better. I’m not grabbing whatever crap is [available] as I run out the door to beat the nine AM train rush.’ So it’s a very polar experience for some people.

M: Absolutely, so this won’t relate to everyone. But we’re here to talk about the impacts of social media and over use of social media.

P: What is overuse Marie? What defines over use of social media?

M: So I think it comes down to whether or not it has a negative impact on your life, so I’ll pawn some stats here from Australia.

So there’s 18 million active social media users in Australia, so that 69% of the population and that’s a stat[itistic] from 2019.

Facebook’s the most popular social media platform, with about 16 million monthly users on the website.

So in and of itself, social media isn’t a bad thing, and social media use can actually be a really positive thing. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with spending time on social media. The thing to be aware of is how it makes you feel, and also there’s a distinction that will get to in a little bit about using it with purpose and intention versus mindlessly using it.

P: I like it. I like that angle of mindlessly because I think too often people reach for the phone, they’re, they’re, scrolling without realising that they’re scrolling. And I think that’s, that’s a real sign that there might be a little bit too much obsession on there. And I’ve had a bit of experience with that myself actually.

M: I wouldn’t even necessarily call it obsession, Pete. Sometimes it’s just laziness. It’s just not being aware to be mindful. And I do it when you’re waiting for the bus or you’re waiting for your coffee to come. You just look at your phone, like that’s just the way that people work nowadays, right?

P: I’ve done a bit of reading around this and come across that it’s the habit, it’s the habit of picking up the phone and one of the things that we, I guess you use the word mindfulness and I’ll go with you on that one. It’s a, It’s a habitual physical action. We pick up the phone. The first thing you do mean a lot of people wake up is to reach for their phone. Is that something that we just need to change and will that then influence the way that we interact with our phones and with social media? Are we just mindlessly going there because there is nothing else to distract us and in doing that, are we being dictated to by the social media platforms?

M: I think the answer is yes, but I don’t think that it’s because there’s nothing else to distract us. I think as human beings, do you remember being a kid and being bored? ‘I’m bored’, right? And mom would be like, ‘go play outside’ like that was the solution when we were kids. Now it’s ‘ugh stop annoying me, go get the iPad or turn on the TV or go to your computer’ or whatever tool it is to fill that time. So we’re training our kids in a way to never be bored, and I’ve mentioned this Ted talk before, but there’s a great Ted talk about the power of being bored and how, when we’re bored, our brain actually has the time to make random connections, which is why all of the great ideas come when you’re washing your hair in the shower or doing the dishes, or you know, those moments where you’re not using your brain for anything like scrolling social media, watching TV, having a conversation, etcetera. So your mind is on autopilot and it has a chance to rest and relax and make those connections. And so having a phone constantly around and picking it up to fill in those moments of boredom has become a habit. You’re right, but it’s also depriving our brain from some really valuable moments that we should be actually trying to encourage a bit more of.

P: Definitely. I think it comes down to a personal awareness initially, even when you were talking about kids and so forth. But I remember making the choice myself to actually stop looking at my phone on the bus and to actually go across the bridge and look out at the sun shining on the harbour, which is a pretty bloody beautiful sight and to actually train myself to not be constantly looking at a screen for the entire bus trip. Okay, I’ll check my phone before I get on, but then when I’m sitting down, I’m actually gonna put my phone in my bag. I’m going to look out at the world. I’m going to see what the morning is doing. I’m going to notice the people who are sitting with me on the bus or who are riding next to me on the bicycle, passing on the street, making that choice to be engaged with what is around.

M: Ah nice.

P: In England I was doing that and everyone was watching a parade. I think it was the Olympics and there’s this wonderful photo of all these people with their phone, capturing the moment on the phone. And then there’s this old lady with her arms crossed, just hanging out and smiling and going ‘Yeah, I’m just watching.’ I want to be that person. I want be the one person who doesn’t have the technology and who is just experiencing, being present, being mindful.

M: I think that’s a really good point, because if you have ever filmed an event that you were so excited to be at and turn around later and gone ‘I really just didn’t enjoy it because I was so focused on making sure I captured it.’

P: I’ve never done it, but I’ve been very conscious of it, and I, when I go to live events, theatres. Yeah, I don’t film. I try not to. I might capture a single moment, especially if it’s a big concert or something.

M: I’m calling you, I know you have. When we went to see Elton John you did it! I saw you.

P: I waited until you and Jeffrey both pulled your phones out.

[Laughter]

P: I had permission, he he. There was a purpose in that one, that was to share with my sister. This is a point. So this comes back to how to use social media. So the information that I’ve gained is that there is a positive way to do this. There is a positive, and those few that are actually contributing to their Facebook feeds and sharing information have a better relationship with social media than those who are unnecessarily using it as a comparative method of comparing their post.

M: Yeah, and I think a lot of the research for a number of years has shown that FOMO is real and, unfortunately –  

P: – FOMO?

M: Fear of missing out. Unfortunately, the view that you get from other people social feeds is that their lives are full of amazing meals with fun and friends and great activities, because you’re only seeing the best moments of someone’s life.

P: Yeah.

M: Yeah, it can be really tough to see everyone living there best lives on social media, and you don’t realise that there’s a lot of time in between those moments for people where things might not be good, so it is really important to share your moments with friends on social media but to also have that understanding that you’re only seeing highlights of people’s lives and you need to engage with people off social media to bring that balance, and that balanced view.

P: It’s the sharing that I’m interested in. That, that prospect of actually going on and sharing. Now I took my Facebook feed off about three years ago. I stopped posting and I stopped advertising events and so forth. That was a conscious decision. Every now and then I’m tempted to go back on and pop something up there when something really lovely happens, but I’ve stayed off it.

Social media for me was a negative experience because I think I fell into that group of being constantly up comparing my life to other peoples. So people were always going away on holidays. They were having an easy time with their friends on boats and things like that. I’m like oh, I don’t do any of that, which is absolute bollocks, because I do. But my consciousness was I’m not involved in that at this present moment and big celebrations when there have been social events on and I choose not to be a part of that. For example, Mardigras. I chose not to go to Mardigras one year and everyone was having a fantastic time and I got FOMO. It was that thing of ‘I’m going to turn this off because it’s just making me feel like I’m not good enough for my, I’m not involved so therefore, I don’t feel good about it and I think that’s a dangerous spot to be in. Whereas if I was involved in posting and actually putting up fabulous times like when I was on a boat a couple of months ago for my besties 40th birthday and we were jumping off the boat in Shark Bay [Laughter] you know it’s, that’s a positive spin because it is connecting with people and it’s allowing you to share those experiences. When I was reading an article by Catherine Price, author of How to Break up with your Phone and she did talk about how social media makes you feel when you do share stuff and that it is positive because sometimes you’re keeping a relationship going that may have fallen by the wayside because matters like geography, time spent, they have children, you don’t, you’re on different time schedules. The social media actually contributes to keeping those relationships going so it is very much how you use the experience.

M: I definitely agree. So, both of us have lived overseas. And for me, it’s how I keep an eye on what’s going on. And you know, we do catch up every now and then, but it’s a good in between.

P: Yeah, so the take up I’m getting from that is passive versus active users.

M: Yes

P: Don’t be a passive user be an active user. Use it to check up on your friends. Use it to find things that you’re interested in. But don’t endlessly scroll at 11 30 at night when you’re in bed alone and feeling down. It’s a no brainer, don’t.

M: That’s a really good point. Before we move on I do just want to say there the studies show that poor social media use and excessive social media use. So when I say poor, it’s that mindless or passive social media use leads to depression, increased anxiety, increased loneliness, sleeplessness and a raft of other mental health issues. So this, this is a thing. It is serious, and social media sites are designed in a way to activate our pleasure centres. This is the thing, if you’ve ever worked with UX and behavioural economists. A lot of large corporations now, know exactly where to place a button to make you more or less likely to click on it. And they’ve actually gotten so good at knowing how people respond to colours, shapes, design, layout, etcetera and driving the behaviour they want that there’s now a whole field of research into the ethics of that, right. So that all that, like it’s crazy how much this stuff is actually a field and exists. So what they do with social media sites is that they design them to keep you here, to keep you coming back. So they’re activating those pleasure centres so they offer positive reinforcement like Pavlov’s dog. Keep giving you treats and those treats are ‘likes’ they’re the ‘thumbs up’ and people come back, right.

P: Yes. The self-esteem behind Social media is its positive affirmation.

M: Absolutely.

P: And that’s what we’re all after, we’re all after those ‘thumbs up’ and ‘likes’, and I remember when I used to post checking in to see who liked my post did the person that I really, really wrote it for over in Kazakhstan or something see it and like it, and you keep checking it.

M: Yep

[Laughter]

M: And now that we’re putting a lot more ethical and moral pressure on companies like Facebook. We’re seeing changes happen in the industry actually, we’re seeing that you can’t see who’s liked posts necessarily on some platforms, so they are changing slowly to meet the changing consumer expectations. So this is definitely an evolving area. But let’s talk about how people can do social media detox.

M: So firstly it’s, it’s important to ask whether you need to do one. And as we said before, I think it’s about starting with some self-reflection and evaluating your habits. So maybe spend a week just jotting down, you can do it on your phone if you want, just jotting down all the times that you pick up your phone so it starts by being aware. And while you do that, put a rating. So maybe a one to five rating of how you’re feeling when you do it. So is it impacting your mental wellness, your productivity, your creativity? How are you feeling after you’ve been using your phone? And if you come away not having a good feeling from the social media you used or from your amount of social media use? There’s five quick things that you can do. So I’m going to fly through these because I think we’re running low on time here Pete.

So first, find a detox, buddy.

All the research shows that you’re more likely to complete any kind of new habit, so weight loss, new exercise regimes all the rest of it if you’ve got a buddy.

The second thing is get used to the idea of being okay with being bored.

The goal here is to take back your time and mindfulness and that means replacing hours of endless scrolling with more fun but mindful activities. So it means being present and being okay with maybe being bored.  

So number three and this is the big one.

Delete your Social Media Apps.

P: [Deep breath in!]

M: You know, if that makes you feel anxious, remember this is only temporary.

P: I can see people clutching their pearls right now. [Laugh]

M: People are like ‘delete, stupid podcast –

[Laughter]

M: – never coming back to that.’ But if, it’s worth remembering that deleting your apps off your phone is only temporary, you can load them back up again tomorrow. Whenever you need to. So, so before you feel that anxiety, know that it is temporary. And if you really can’t delete them, or can’t bring yourself to delete them, move them into a folder on one of the back screens. If you want to take it one step further during Corona virus, you might also want to limit your news intake to 30 minutes a day.

Finally change your lock screen.

So this simple act will make you think every time you have to answer your phone. So if you change your password you’ve got to stop and think ‘What was the new password?’ And that could be enough to stop you from mindlessly getting on to phone and opening an app.

P: Yes, I’ve got one more to add there Marie, I really like this one. Put a rubber band around your phone.

M: Yeah, I saw that one. Yeah, that’s the same, same premise. The physical barrier.

P: Yeah, you’ve got to take it off before you decide am I going to scroll? Okay, I’m going to take that off it’s going clock into my time, so triggers, triggers a memory in your brain.

M: Yep, yep. So and look, there’s a couple other things here. I’m going to quickly throw them in there if you can go buy yourself an alarm so that you stop using your phone last thing at night, and first thing in the morning. And it’s not the last and first thing you’re picking up and you can leave it in another room.

And then lastly, start a new project the week that you’re starting a social media detox. So book in some time with friends or get started on a course or something? Yeah and that’ll help you to shift your time to something productive.

P: Yeah, Active distraction.

M: So before we go, Pete, you said that you at one point stopped using a social media. You noticed that it was leading to bad mental space. What was the impact after you made this? Did the detox, made the stop?

P: Hit the delete?

M: Yep

P: [Singing] freedom!

[Laughter]

M: There you go. That’s all you needed to say, right?

P: Ha ha, for me it was the way the mindfulness crept back in. I was solely focused on my tasks. I wasn’t very easily distracted, and I found I had more time. I think that’s the biggest takeaway from me from this, from that experience, well it’s something that I’ve continued to do much to my friends disgust when they can’t contact me during the day. Marie Skelton.

[Laughter]

P: I had to put a special ring tone on my phone. So I knew it was you.

M: [Laugh] I don’t see your point. Is that a bad thing?

P: It’s that thing of being really focused on a task. No, I’m in one hour slots during the day and not having that distraction made me really focuse on what I was doing.

M: All right. Well, that’s all we have time for this week. But we will see you again next week. And thank you for joining us.

P: Stay happy folks

[Happy exit music]