Self-Compassion and Being Kind to Yourself (E12)

Happiness for Cynics podcast – episode 12

Self-compassion is about being aware of your self-talk and learning to be kinder to yourself. You may be surprised at the sorts of thing you say to yourself when you’re not paying attention!

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker, focused on change and resilience. My co-host is Peter.

P: Hi there, I’m Peter Furness and I’m a manipulator of sore points, pusher of positivity and ‘movement prescriptor.’ Each week we bring you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology otherwise known as happiness. Marie has a blog.

M: Sure do, so you can find all of these episodes as well as a lot of other resources and information at @marieskelton.com. So on to today’s episode, which is all about self-compassion.

[Happy music]

M: So today we’re going to talk about the importance of self-compassion. So Pete, can you help our listeners understand what we’re talking about here?

P: Self-compassion is the relationship of the self, let’s turn inward for a moment shall we.

M: This is going to be a fun episode [laugh].

P: It’s about self-talk, it’s about the friendship that you have with yourself. And it’s more than just being positive. It’s about understanding the relationship between negative and positive self-talk, and how we reinforce negative behaviours within ourselves. Being kind to yourself and having the ability to not judge yourself is really a prime issue around self-compassion.

M: Now, I think that from a cynics point of view, this is gonna be gold, [Laugh] because there are a lot of people out there who just want to say to millennials in particular suck it up, buttercup, right and get on with your life. And we never had this self-care, positive movement thing going on.

P: It was something for the hippies in the 60’s.

M: Not even that, they just took drugs and got on with life, right?

[Laughter]

M: So we are smack bang in the middle of what this podcast is all about. It’s breaking down the preconceived ideas about some of these positive psychology ideas. So really keen to understand the research behind this one. Definitely.

P: I think a big thing about it is that it’s not to be dismissive. Self-talk can be damaging. We can’t just dismiss this as little thoughts that we don’t listen to, because that’s really not dealing with the problem. Self-talk is there. It is something to be aware of. Those voices in your head, you should be listening to them and more importantly, we should be understanding why they’re there. Giving them some space and diving into that space and looking at it objectively, not judgmentally.

M: Yeah, and I think it’s also really important to say that we’re talking about people who are still in a healthy frame of mind and ,lot of people who’ve been on the flip side of mental health and who have suffered depression or who have ongoing chronic levels of depression, it can be really harmful to say to say to someone who’s struggling, you know, just think positively.

P: Yeah, just be cheery.

M: So we’re talking about how people who are in a healthy enough state of mind motivate themselves and how they get the best out of themselves in their life. And it’s worth saying that these practises can be helpful for people who perhaps are on the far deeper end of the spectrum. But they’re not, they’re not going to solve deep rooted issues.

P: No, that’s for others.

M: So, looking back in your life, have you had any moments where you had a lot of negative self-talk?

P: [Laughter] where do I begin… OK opening the Pandora’s Box. Self-criticism, it comes from many different places, and I think for myself, bless my lovely Mother. She was the eldest of 12 children in the outback of Australia. So Mom was the home care taker, she was in charge, looking after these kids when they were still having rations from the Second World War. They didn’t have a fridge, all that sort of stuff. So Mums upbringing and her introduction to ‘suck it up buttercup’, that was pretty strong in those days. Now she passed that onto us, me and my sister in different ways, and that’s self-criticism comes out from those childhood experiences sometimes. So what I picked up on that judgmental, suck it up, just get on with it, be tough, kind of mentality and that was really from my mom, bless her. Being aware of that, coming to that in a separate point in my life, I had to reflect on some of that and it’s interesting that that didn’t happen with me until much later it wasn’t until I got out of University that I really started looking at what those thoughts and processes were and how they came up. And being a… involved in a competitive field like dance, I came to dance late. All these kids had done ballet for 20 years before I even did my first class. So there was a lot of ways, one the coping mechanisms of getting through that was to convince myself you’re not good enough. You’ve got to work harder now That works to a certain point because it motivates you, use you a little bit of a kick up the arse and makes you drive hard. When you’re feeling a bit sorry for yourself. It’s like No, suck it up, get in there and keep going. Now that can be really positive but the damaging thing is when you learn those behaviours and you apply it to every situation. And I think that’s where it turns negative.

M: Yep, I think for me I had very similar thoughts going through my head when I went to the A.I.S., which is Australian Institute of Sport for overseas listeners. So I, like you, came to volleyball late, I first touched a volleyball when I was 14 and very quickly went from there to making the school team and making our state team and then being selected for a national junior team and then being offered the chance to train with the senior national team at A.I.S. and I had only been playing for less than a year.

P: wow

M: So coaches obviously saw raw talent and brought me in and the second I got there, I was so out of my league, [Laughter] I was so bad, so rather than a fight to be better mentality. I just constantly felt like I was letting the team down. I just didn’t cope. So I had this huge impostor syndrome and I look back now and I think I had the skill, but with a different mindset I could have taken that as a learning opportunity. I had grace and acceptance from the coaches, not necessarily from my teammates, but definitely I look back at the wasted opportunity that that was for me because of my negative self-talk and the fact that I did everything possible just not to get in everyone’s way and didn’t take that with two hands and run with it. So let’s talk about the research.

P: Of course, It’s all about research on this podcast. Everything has to be backed up scientifically.

M: [Laughter] Also self-compassion, It’s a bit wishy washy. We are talking about things that people just will flat out say they don’t believe in.

P: Absolutely. The word compassion immediately brings to mind images of Monks in robes and the Dalai Lama and all this negative stuff and it’s easy to just go, yeah not for me thanks.

M: Yeah

P: It’s an immediate block and I think that’s the big issue sometimes in turning it on, turning that term self-compassion on yourself. You’ve got to look back on you and be willing to go into that space all right, let’s look at this. Let’s really spend time self-analysing and really go internal for a while and for a lot of people that’s way to confronting.

M: Yeah, but I think the important thing is, do you want to be happy? That’s really what we’re talking about here and for some people who are used to self-analysing and who are very open with sharing their emotions and analysing their blockers and understanding their issues for someone who is completely shut off to that, they can want to be happy but have never have delved into that other side of the emotions.

So this could be a really hard things to, to start to do. But really, it comes down to just being more self-aware.

P: Yes, that’s part of it. Definitely.

M: Yeah, so let’s, let’s have a look at some of the research. Maybe we can sway some of the cynics out there. 

[Laughter]

P: So it’s interesting that you bring up a sports reference Marie because the first piece of research I’ve got is actually from Dr. Christopher M. Carr, “Sport Psychology: Psychologic Issues and Applications (Physical Medicine & Rehabilitation Clinics of North America, 2006). Who’s a psychologist for sports such as the NBA and the NFL in America-

M: – oh, is that all…

[Laughter]

P: He wrote an article in 2006 Psychologic Issues and Applications, and he talks about athletes engaging in negative self-talk. So you see a player who’s frustrated, angry, anxious on court on the field they can’t get it right. They go into that negative space where they’re berating themselves. I’m thinking of tennis players here, like it’s the Nick Curious’s, even the Andre Agassi, when he was in his younger bouffant hair days, he went into those potholes of anger and frustration and yelling and stuff.

M: Mmm Hmm

P: What Carr talks about is that these emotional states that we get into challenge our breathing, they increase our muscular tension and they create a loss of concentration and focus. All of these factors results in a lowering of performance.

M: So I guess what we’re saying here is the emotional impact of that negative self- talk has a physiological impact that for athletes is really critical.

P: Yeah, if you can’t breathe, you can’t perform, you need that.

M: Yep

P: So Carr goes on to talk about the flip side of that talking about an athletes self-talk, being positive and relevant and he says that the resulting emotional experience at this stage is one of relaxation calmness, feeling centred. As a result, this turns good performance into a positive and increases your performing ability.

M: I guess for me, as an athlete, if you’re not feeling confident. How do you pretend to be confident?

P: Fake it ‘til you make it [laugh].

M: Is that what the research is showing here I guess.

P: Exactly, it’s about accessing that mindset, how do I calm myself down, bring myself back to my focus so I can control my breathing and then from there, from there come at the point, the game from a different perspective.

M: I’ll move on to some more research here, and I’m interested in how it applies to a work scenario as well [be]cause not all of us are athletes. There’s a book called ‘How We Work’, written by researcher and author Leah Weiss, and she talks about how again negative self-talk doesn’t help us and can actually make things worse. The research shows that self-criticism is linked to depression, loss of self-esteem, negative perfectionism, procrastination and rumination. And some might say that it helps them to be better and keep striving for excellence. But the research actually shows that it’s likely to compromise your goals and undermine your efforts in all aspects of life, from academic or health related efforts to personal or professional.

So again, it’s important to be able to reflect on what it is that you’re not confident or comfortable about

P: Yeah

M: and then be able to take the resulting negative self-talk and actively try and combat that.

P: I think the interesting part of that is undermining your efforts I think that for me really resonates because it’s subtle little changes that goes with that negative self-talk that is ultimately, it doesn’t create massive cheats in terms of your work performance but it undermines you and that’s not great for when you’re trying to deal with negotiations and trying to deal with, with different people in high tense situations where you’re making calculated decisions, you need to feel confident and in that way I think it does relate to the sport experience. You need to be in control and feel secure.

M: Yep, and there’s a whole body of research right now and a shift in thinking in corporate world’s about psychological safety and the importance of psychological safety. It’s a hot topic of the moment, and really, what we’re saying is it’s about everyone feeling that they have a role to play in the team and that they’re valued for their role and what they do in the team and it’s really tough if you don’t feel valued to then go out and perform your job and stop yourself from getting into that negative self-talk.

P: Absolutely

M: You know, [that] situation that means that you have to then focus on the positive self-talk. Now some of it can be grounded in real life. You might have some horrible colleagues.

[Laughter]

M: and they might not like you, right.

[Laughter]

M: And then it’s about fighting with yourself to be comfortable with your own self value and self-worth. And then other times it’s purely in your own head and that’s the other thing that you need to reflect on I think.

P: Being positive with that that state is again coming back to what we were talking about earlier. Have you done the investment? Having spent some time doing some self-reflection, and I think that those cynics out there who just dismiss it, and that was my Mum, emotions didn’t matter. One of her great quotes is ‘stress wasn’t around when I was young.’

M: [Laugh] See these are the people that we’re doing this podcast for.

P: Absolutely, yeah. ‘Don’t believe in stress doesn’t exist’ and she’s probably the most stressed out person I know.

[Laughter]

P: Poor Mum, I’m giving her a bit of a bashing here. [Laugh]

M: Your Mum I think is more indicative of an entire older generation who were taught that way.

P: Absolutely yes.

So practising self-compassion. Let’s bring it back.

M: So what, what are we talking about? What is practising self-compassion?

P: I think it’s different for every individual, but I think there’s some broad terms we can bring to the conversation and those are a combination of mindful awareness, self-kindness and a recognition about common humanity.

M: What, we’re all human and make mistakes. Is that what we’re talking about?

P: Essentially yes, not being too judgemental, understanding when someone has made a mistake and also taking responsibility for that. Putting your hand up and going ‘oh whoops, I did wrong.’

M: But then letting it go.

P: Exactly, yes and that’s the judgmental part coming into it. Trying not to be too judgemental. When you’re doing that self-reflection, it’s really important about not being too hard on yourself. Give yourself a break, give yourself some love. Be that understanding person that pat’s you on the shoulder and says “it’s OK”.

[Laughter]

M: So if you find yourself in a negative frame of mind and you want to work on some self-compassion. We’ve got three tips that you can try to put into practise.

Firstly, start journaling. So the first step to better understanding yourself and your negative self-talk is to fully grasp what’s going on. Take a couple of weeks and every evening, reflect on the day, and write down your negative and positive self-talk throughout the day.

Secondly, have a look at that over time. So once you’ve done your two weeks, have a look at all the things that you’ve been saying to yourself, find some patterns in there if you can and find what it is in your past that has led to this moment. Why are you saying these negative things to yourself?

Thirdly, once you’ve identified what it is you’re saying, why it is you’re saying it. Your job is to then give yourself some positive affirmations that you can use to combat the negative self-talk.

So once you’re aware of the problem, you’ve then got to shift your behaviour. So write down 2 to 3 things that will combat the negative things you’ve been saying. And every morning before you leave the house or if you’re walking in to work I want you to say these things out loud to yourself and keep up the journaling if you can, so that you can see whether you’re making any changes over time. So they’re the three things you can do to help get started on being more compassionate to yourself.

P: Another tip that I love and this is a bit of a creative one. I call it using the Dragon.

M: OK… I’m intrigued.

P: We’re going to go a bit linear on this one. Externalising the self. So have a conversation with yourself. But externalise it. So for me it came when my father passed away. I was having anxious moments after the funeral and so forth, getting through the grieving process and I invented a dragon and my little dragon sat in the top left corner of my room. And whenever I started to feel emotional or upset, I would reference the top left corner of my room and see my purple dragon and I’d have a little conversation with him. Now not everybody is going to be buying into this, this is all very creative, but for me –

M: – This is why you’re on this podcast with me. It balances us out.

P: [Laugh]!

M: Not to take anything away from any coping mechanism that helps someone deal with grief. I’m not making light of that at all, but I probably wouldn’t invent a dragon that’s all.

[Laughter]

P: It really helped me, it really helped me calm my breathing, bring myself back to centre and come at the situation at hand from a different perspective, because I felt like I had that buddy, that little guardian angel, that little totem, whatever it is a spirit guide some people might use all those sorts of things are valid because they’re helping it to externalise issue, and sometimes we can’t deal with it all by ourselves. And sometimes you need that little spirit guide or that somebody else that is going to go ‘You know what, it’s OK, let’s try this one’.

M: Yep. So essentially, what we’re saying is it’s about treating yourself like you treat your friends. You never say to your friends ‘you’re really not that intelligent are you Pete.’

P: [Laughter]

M: ‘How have you gotten through life so far?’

P: [Still Laughing]

M: So why do we think it’s okay to say it to ourselves? It really is crazy. If you were to write town and say aloud what we say to ourselves and say it to another person you never would absolutely would never say to someone’s face.

P: Sometimes it’s good to write those negative things down when you’re in that space because when you come back to it and go ‘Oh my god, did I really say that about myself, do I really hate myself that much.

M: Yep and I think that is the beauty of all this. Is that, you’re getting more of an understanding of yourself as a person and be kind, be kind to others, be kind to yourself. OK

We’re done for today. So thank you for joining us. If you want to hear more please remember to subscribe and like this podcast.

P: Until next time be kind to yourself. Bye

M: I think Ellen’s already got that one.

P: [Laugh] Oh, d’oh.

M: Yeah, you can’t take that. So… don’t be kind to yourself…?

P: [Laugh] No that doesn’t work…

[Laughter]

M: Bye

P: See ya