Self-Care is Church for Non-Believers (E17)

Happiness For Cynics podcast

More and more people around the world do not believe in a God, and therefore do not attend church regularly. This is such a shame, as the act of going to church has so many benefits including making your happier. In this episode, we discuss the ways in which you can replace some aspects of church, if you’re a non-believer, so you can bring more happiness into your life.

Transcript

M: Hi. I’ve forgotten our intro.

P: [Laugh] we should never have negroni’s before a podcast.

M: We should always have them.

[Laughter]

M: Welcome the happiness for cynics. That is not how this normally goes. I’m Marie Skelton a writer, podcaster supposedly and an expert in resiliency and change.

P: Hi, I’m Peter. I’m the co-host. I’m a herb harvester, a Feng Shui factualiser and I can’t remember the third thing that I am this week.

M: Maybe we shouldn’t do negroni’s before… [laughter].

This week however, we are talking about self-care and how self-care is church for non-believers.

P: I love that quote. That’s a brilliant that’s a Marie-ism, by the way, folks, that’s a complete Marie-ism.

M: I’ll have to turn that into one of those quotes.

P: Yeah do.

M: You know like the image on Facebook.

P: Think about it ‘Self-care is church for non-believers.’

[Happy intro music]

M: Okay, welcome back. That was probably the weirdest intro we’ve ever done. Alright, self-care we’re here to talk about self-care. We were talking the other day about how self-care is really important, and it’s, it’s important to do all the fabulous things that we talked about. But you’ve got to balance that with looking after yourself as well and taking time to relax and recharge and really focus on your inner self as well, so we were keen to do an episode on self-care and then we came across this idea of self-care being church for non-believers.

P: I love this, it’s brilliant. Such a good quote.

M: So reason that we say that, there’s a couple of stats here that I’ll paint the picture with. So we start in the States. There’s a recent study by the Pew Research Centre, which says that the percentage of Americans who believe in God attend religious services and pray daily has declined significantly during the last eight years. And then, if you look at the latest census results on religion from 2016 in Australia, about 30% of Australians selected no religion, and that’s more than 7% higher than the previous census, where they measured religion in 2011.

So one in three-ish Australians no longer believe in religion and ergo we will assume they don’t go to church.

P: True, I’ll give you that.

M: Making a leap there, but we’re going to make that assumption. And again, I’m not religious and you know each to their own is my philosophy on that. However, one in three Australians are losing the benefits off attending church and that’s just such a shame. So whether you believe in God or not, the benefits of going to church include learning things like kindness, gratitude, service to others, mindfulness having social interaction on a regular basis, meditation, awe and forgiveness.

And we’re going to go into a few of those right now because they all make the wonderful bucket of self-care. But they’re also critical for happiness.

P: I’m sorry. I’m just thinking of Kentucky Fried Chicken now you said, Bucket.

[Laughter]

P: It’s like a little bucket that you can choose from.

M: Exactly, there’s wings, there’s drumsticks.

[Laughter]

M: So let’s start with your, your church bucket here.

P: [Laugh] Do I have to wear my Sunday best? Do I have to dress up?

M: No, this is all about you-

P: – Oh, but I want to wear my hat with the fascinator.

M: You don’t have to but you can.

P: Well, this is the interesting thing is that I think that before we get into everything I’m going to segway here Marie. The fact of going to church, it was a huge social construct, traditionally in, especially in Australian lifestyles. But in Western lifestyles in general, actually, no, that’s not even true.

M: In the states you get dressed up there too. For those of you who think what enough does this Aussie girl know about the states? I did live there for eight years, some I’m kind of semi sort of calling myself a little bit American and I married an American.

P: You’re married by passport.

M: [Laugh] Exactly.

But oh, in the South.

P: Oh yeah, that’s the image I’ve got.

M: They get dressed up for church.

P: Definitely. It’s the social construct. So, the fact of actually going to church of actually taking the time in your weekly schedule to allocate one hour to go to a location, to go to a ceremony to get dressed up to invest in an action that is community driven. It’s something that set a precedent for interaction on people on so many different levels. And that’s what we’re going to talk about with when we talk about the sections that we’ve nominated.

M: What I love about the social interaction piece there Pete, we’re starting with that one, is the church construct encourages people to think about others and you welcome new people into the community. It’s just like, so we met through volleyball, and there is a tribe aspect to that as well. Definitely just like with church, where you look, well you should there’s always the misfits, but you should look after the new people that come into the club or the church or the environment that you’ve got there and you look out for them and you look out for each other. And for people who have never been to church or who haven’t maybe had that team aspect in their life that we have, I think it’s, it’s scary to me that they may never have experienced that community welcoming them in. I think everybody can experience this. It’s like starting in your job, the first time you walk into a new office you don’t know anyone. Everyone has their mates that they say good morning to, everyone hangs out in coffee shop. You’re the, you’re the newbie. You’re the brassy eyed, bushy tailed woman with your negligee scarf. It’s Jane Fonda in 9 to 5.

M: Here’s the thing though. The expectations on a workplace is very different from those at church or in a team sport.

P: OK, fair point. I’ll give you that.

M: You don’t have to, give two hoots about the person you work with.

P: All right, fair yes.

M: You don’t have to be nice to them if the boss isn’t looking, right?

P: Yeah

M: And so there’s a very different social element, and that’s why when we’re saying self-care is church for non-believers, finding your tribe, and there’s a lot of talk out there about finding the tribe and its people who will look out for you and go above and beyond for you. There’s a lot of lonely people out there who don’t have a tribe.

P: Exactly

M: And church would always take everyone in. Yet regardless of your personality, differences, preferences, all of that. Sports, there’s a little bit more argy bargy there, but –

P: – Especially if you play with Brazilians.

[Laughter]

M: – but you’ve got to bring everyone in to achieve a goal, right? And in theory you have to do that in workplaces. But in practise, I don’t think that drive to be accepting and welcoming to everyone is there.

P: Which I think brings up a point that’s really valid is that you’re putting yourself in the space by going to something like church. It’s, you’re expected to be friendly. You’re expected to welcome new people in. So there is that expectation of like ‘you will be nice, eh?’

M: So that social interaction. So I think, for people who are not going to church anymore they’re perhaps missing that tribe. And there’s a few definite opportunities for people to find that in other areas of their lives. But perhaps not as easy as just rocking up to church.

P: Oh, I agree. Definitely.

M: Whatcha got next?

P: Oh, kindness.

M: Yes, be kind. So the whole process of going to church, you’re putting yourself in a place where it is expected of you to contemplate kindness. Contemplate being good to your neighbour. Being nice to your fellow man. All those kind of community constructs that are really based on every society. I’m not just talking about –

M: Do unto others

P: – Western society.

M: I know that one, do unto others!

P: [Laugh] Go Muz, quoting the… what is it 15 commandments.

M: 10

P: It was 15 first, Moses threw a tablet.

M: We should not –

P: – Moses had a hissy fit and he threw a tablet [laugh].

M: Again, I apologise

P: He so did it was Charlton Heston.

M: Alright, maybe we shouldn’t use popular culture as a reference for peoples religions.

P: That’s fair, I get it.

M: Because this matters to [some] people.

P: But my point is you’re putting yourself in the kindness space and you’re expected to be [a] kinder [person] tapping into that. It’s like, OK, I’ve got to be nice to this person and it’s the fake it till you make it concept by putting yourself into a process where you’re forcing yourself to be kind. Maybe you actually might get a bit of beneficial kick-off from that being kind not only to others, but to yourself.

M: Absolutely so as we’ve mentioned in previous episodes the research on kindness is kind of one of the most selfish things you can do. I think we’ve said before another Marieism. The benefits from oxytocin I think and again we keep talking about all the fabulous chemicals in our brain, but the benefits that you get from being kind others are huge. So much so that being kind to others can be seen as a selfish act. And one of the major tenets of nearly all religions is ‘do unto others.’

P: That’s right.

M: So if that is not being reinforced through Sunday school and through your life once a week –

P: Yep, it’s a little reminder when the pastor or the person is standing up on that pulpit saying, “who have you loved of your fellow man this week?” And it’s like forcing you to go ‘right, I have to do this’ and that’s a weekly reinforcement.

M: I think it is that real weekly reinforcement. So whether you’re helping out with tea after the service.

P: Oh yeah, they always had good bickies at the Salvation Army.

M: Or whether you’re participating in a more formalised church program that helps the elderly mow their lawns, what whatever it is that your church environment does not having that in your week because you’re not religious, is a real loss.

P: Definitely, which is a nice segway into, into-  

M: – gratitude.

P: There we go.

M: [Laugh] I read your mind.

[Laughter]

M: And we’ve talked about gratitude, I think it was our third or fourth episode in season one, but again, being grateful for what you have and prayer is one of those things where you thank the Lord for the blessings that you have. And again, if you’re not going to church on a regular basis, the need for being grateful is not being reinforced in your day to day life.

P: Yes.

M: And again I would argue that in the absence of church, what are you doing in your weekly lives to remember to be grateful?

P: Yeah. If you’re not being like the self-help gurus and certain people like yogis who practice every day sitting there, looking at your mantras and looking at your chants and saying these things to yourself as a matter of wrote that’s a daily reminder as much as what church is if you’re not involved in those daily acts, even the act of saying a prayer before dinner that was a big social construct is that there was always the expected thing, and –

M: Two, Four, Six, Eight

[Laughter]

M: Dig in, don’t wait!

P: [Laugh] you could take that one. Yes, well, if we take it in the in the literal sense, you’re being thankful for the fact that you have food on your plate.

M: Which and I’m sure if any of us Journal on gratefulness. Having food is such a First World right.

P: Exactly.

M: It’s not a privilege anymore. I bet you, you pick up anyone’s gratitude journal in the First World and they’re not thanking people for the food on their table.

P: Okay. What’s next?

M: Service to others.

P: Aahh, being generous to others, it’s such a fulfilling action. There’s a lot of research out there that the supports the fact that if you are actually giving away 10% of your time 10% of your income, 10% of your energy in the service of others, you gain back tenfold what you’re giving out.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s a no brainer, by giving out your generosity and actually offering up something that you have, it invites so much goodwill back into yourself. And again, it’s that selfish act, not a self-less act. It’s reinvigorating your own self esteem. It’s making you feel good. Who doesn’t feel nice when you give a dollar to the person who’s on the street corner begging for money? You think I’ve done my good deed for the day that reverberates through your day hugely. And if something’s – I’ve gotta stop clicking sorry – [Laughter], if when you’re having a bad afternoon, sometimes it’s enough to go you know what my karma jar is full because I gave that dollar to the homeless person this morning.

M: I think there’s also an even greater benefit. So, I’ve done a lot of coaching and a lot of the time for free.

P: Right.

M: Sadly, I’m not making money off my volleyball coaching, but there’s, there’s a sense of the inner satisfaction, and I don’t even know how to describe it. When you have those moments through a season, when a player executes a skill that you’ve been working with them on or they finally get it, and a lot of the time they’ll perform the skill and the first person they lock eyes with is you. You know?

P: Absolutely.

M: Right? Those moments where you’ve spent hours trying to help someone else to be better and they are executing what you’ve been working on together. They’re so valuable, so, so valuable, and you remember those, I remember those moments with those players years later. I don’t remember the projects I’ve worked on in corporate life or a lot of other things. But helping others to grow is such a positive thing.

P: Tim Minchin talks about it in his address to the Melbourne University [and others] a couple of years ago when he gave his ‘Nine Lessons of Life.’ If you haven’t watched it, watch it, it’s fabulous. Tim Minchin says “Be a teacher. Share your love, Share your passion. Share what you know because it will come back upon you.”

M: Yep.

P: And it’s so true.

M: Absolutely. All right, so I’m going to bucket two other benefits of church together here and they’re definitely more your areas of expertise than mine.

P: Yeah.

M: So mindfulness and meditation.

P: Oh dear meditation.

M: I’m bundling them together because we are running a little short on time now, But really, I think we should bump out to 30 minutes because every episode we say we’re running short on time don’t we.

[Laughter]

P: Maybe our listeners should vote on that on the poll.

M: We’re trying to keep it 20 [minutes] so it’s short, sharp commute time. But anyway. So there is definite research about attending spiritual retreats in particular if you’re talking about mindfulness and the greater psychological well-being that you get and feel good hormones in the brain from mindfulness in particular, and then meditation, you’re into meditation.

P: I’m a big time meditator. And I’m a big supporter of it because it is, there are so many benefits that lead to some of the other things that we’ve already talked about today. Kindness and gratitude. When you meditate, you calm your mind down. And it’s not about eliminating thoughts. It’s about recognising thoughts and giving weight to them. It’s such a brilliant way of accessing parts of our physiology and our mental capacity that has huge benefits.

M: Actually, the title of this is self-care. And if you can’t take in the negative and let it go, then you’re not looking after your mental health.

P: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, and actually, I’m gonna skip, we’ll end on your last one here. But skip to forgiveness, which is another teaching in many religions around the world forgiving others.

P: Yeah

M: And again this is, this is a way of letting go of that negativity. And there is yet again a lot of research about the positive benefits of letting this stuff go, allowing yourself to move on and not holding yourself back because of what others have done to you.

P: Being kind to yourself is part of self-care. Very, very important factor. Don’t be too hard on yourself people. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes, and it’s OK to make a mistake, as long as you learn from it.

M:  And it’s okay to have negative emotions too.

P: Absolutely. They serve you well. They’re a great lever.

M: And I think right now we’re all experiencing the full pendulum swing of emotions being in isolation and dealing with Covid and the increased anxiety we need to be okay with that. I think we’re learning some really good self-reflection and growth lessons from an emotional perspective because of Covid.

P: I think the awareness has brought it definitely back onto the floor where we’re now concerned with our community connections. We now are concerned with how our daily actions affect not only ourselves but others.

All right, we’re going to move onto the last one, awe. We’ve talked about this before awe inspiring stuff.

M: Awe, A W E, it’s very easy to be like or what? Or what?

P: [Laugh]. I’m going to tell a personal story here. So going through Italy with my niece a couple years ago in Europe, we went to Florence. We’ve done gone for a walk down to the Duomo the cathedral in Florence, and we stood there in the evening light and I’ve got to say it was a pretty amazing aspect. I didn’t know anything about this cathedral I didn’t know about the Medici’s at that time. But I’m standing there in front of this cathedral and it looked like something made out of cardboard, But it was so incredible and the way the light hit it, I was having a moment. Uncle Peter may have got emotional and had a tear in his eye and my niece turns around to me and says “You ‘right.” “It’s okay darling Uncle Peter’s having about a moment”, and she said “Okay, I’m going for ice cream.”  [Laugh]

M: I, especially coming from Australia, I could not agree with you more going through Europe I, I guess there’s a point where there’s only so many churches you can see but when they’re all 15^th, 16th century churches and I can only think of Notre Dame and it still breaks my heart that it burnt down but thankfully we got to see it. But there is this understanding in a lot of religion that the place you go to worship should inspire awe.

P: Which brings us back to the point. Churches were built to inspire people they were a connection with the higher power. There were a connection with God. They were meant to lift you up.

M: So as far as awe goes, you don’t have to find it in buildings only as we’ve discussed in the past, we can find it in nature very often. It’s about putting yourself in those moments where you’re standing in front of the Grand Canyon or beautiful mountains, and you take the moment to be mindful and experience your place in the vastness around you. So we are needing to wrap up now Pete.

P: Oh dear. We’ve gone overtime again.

M: But I guess the last thing I just want to say to people is if you are not religious. How are you bringing these items into your life on a weekly basis? How are you replacing what church used to bring to people which was happiness. These elements that we’ve talked about kindness, gratitude, service to others, mindfulness, social interaction, meditation, awe and forgiveness, all of them were being reinforced in people’s lives, and they’ve all been scientifically proven in multiple surveys and research to bring happiness. So that’s my challenge. Find your church, find your church, find your tribe and find ways to make these habits.

P: And really invest in them. So, so make sure that you clock them, write them out and say, like, to a daily check and see if you can tick all eight of those boxes. Eight? Seven? [Laugh]

M: That many boxes, tick all of those boxes! [Laugh]

P: And that’s the benefit and whether you believe or not in religion, church served that purpose. So we need to find a way to invest in that. And it can be as simple as spending 15 minutes at home being mindful or meditating all those sorts of actions. Church doesn’t need to be a building. You’re absolutely right. It can be your backyard as long as you invest –

M: -Or your mind.

P: Exactly. You can invest in that but being mindful and being open to it is really important.

M: I think that’s a great place to end. Thanks Pete.

P: Aww, no worries.

M: See you next week.

P: Stay happy, people.

[Happy Exit Music]