Happiness for Cynics podcast
This week, Marie and Pete talk about random acts of kindness, how they will make you happier, and challenge you to get involved.
Show notes
During the podcast Marie and Pete briefly discuss racism and Pete mentions that they will come back to the discussion later. Unfortunately they ran out of time this episode and will hopefully discuss this topic at another time. Please feel free to suggest podcast topics, post a question or even just leave a comment at www.marieskelton.com
Transcript
[Happy intro music -background]
M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.
M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.
P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.
M: And we’re back.
P: We’re back. Fun fact –
M: That we’re back?
P: No, no. I’ve got a fun fact for you.
M: Laugh! Ok, yes. What’s your fun fact?
P: Laughter lowers cortisol.
M: Stress hormone.
P: Yes.
M: Ohhh.
P: It came up in a lecture of mine this week. Laughter lowers cortisol and I’m like ‘oh! I know this!’ Laughter!
M: Should we do some laughter yoga now?
P: Exactly, laugh.
M: Though, I don’t know if you need it, you’re already laughing.
P: But, I thought it was really interesting that, you know, this came out a lecture. Laughter actually lowers your stress hormone. So, if you’re having a bad week, the best thing that you can do for immediate effect is to go out and get a laugh.
M: Yep.
P: However, that happens if it’s going out and doing something silly, like walking around the house naked or if it’s going to a comedy show, watching your favourite movie.
M: Or having a laugh in the mirror for 60 seconds like we practised the other week.
P: Oh yeah.
M: It’s so easy, so, so easy and I’ve been doing in the mornings –
P: Laugh.
M: – and it’s just so mind blowing to me that such a simple 60 second thing can make such an impact.
P: It makes such a difference and I think that it’s worth investing in. So, get out there and laugh people!
M: Laugh.
P: Enjoy.
M: So, I went through our stats on our [podcast].
P: Ooh!
M: Guess which episode is the most popular?
P: Snigger, oh ooh… Laugh, I don’t want to guess this!
M: Laugh! It’s the only explicit one that we’ve had.
P: Oh! Oh, the swearing!
M: The swearing!
P & M: Laughter!
P: You people are wrong! So wrong! Really? Swearing got a lot of hits?
M: Absolutely.
P: That’s funny.
M: Can Swearing Make You Happier. I think people are trying to justify their swearing, laugh!
P: I love it. So, someone actually asked me the other day when I was talking about the podcast, and they said ‘Oh, you do a podcast?’
And I was like ‘Yeah, yeah.’
‘Which episode should I listen to first?’
And I was like ‘…I’m really not sure.’
M: Laugh.
P: If you listen to the first episode, you get really bored, laugh.
M: Mmm.
P: But if you listen to the last episode, you go ‘these guys are crazy!’
M: Probably, I’d go from last to first.
P: Well, I actually said, our episode on self-care, Self-Care is Church for Non-Believers.
M: Aww.
P: I thought that was a good starting point.
M: Yeah, yep, yep, I think so. We finally relaxed at that point.
P: I said this, I said that if you listen to the first episode, we’re going to be very formal.
M: We might need to go re-record that one.
P: Well, actually, we would love to hear from our listeners and ask, What’s your favourite episode thus far? Let us know?
M: Yes.
P: Because sitting here on the bed as we do.
M & P: Laugh.
P: Sometimes we’re not clued in as to what the formula is and what works. But if there’s an episode that you’ve really enjoyed, we would love to hear from you and here what that episode got for you.
M: Yep. All right, we’re moving on to today’s episode,
P: Which is…
M: Random Acts of Kindness.
P: Aww!
M: Now we’ve spoken about kindness before.
P: Lots.
M: Yes. So, I’m going to skim over the science, which is that kindness works, be kind, right?
P: Laugh. Do it people, do it.
M: That is the science, laugh.
P: Yep.
M: And today we wanted to just go through all of the fabulous things that you could do and put a challenge out there.
P: Oooh!
M: Now, you’re busy, I’m busy, but we’re going to pick one each and report back next week.
P: We are?
M: That is the deal, yes.
P: You’re giving me homework!
M: We’re giving everyone homework.
P: I haven’t finished my PHS [Population, Health & Society] essay yet and it’s driving me crazy! I can’t.
M: This is more homework.
P & M: Laughter.
M: And the great thing about this, just like the laughter yoga for 60 seconds or the gratitude journaling, it’s a 60 second activity.
P: Oh, alright… I’m in.
M: But you can’t bail on this.
P: [Reluctantly] I’m in.
M: So, what we’re talking about is finding a way to be kind to others.
P: Awe… It’s a Cinderella moment.
M: It’s so simple. And I’m going to quote Amelia Earhart here.
P: Oooh.
M: Who said, “A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions and the roots spring up and make new trees.”
P: That’s so true.
P: It’s the pay it forward principle.
M: Yes!
M: And not because you should, but because it will make you feel good about yourself.
P: The science says so, laugh.
M: The science says, absolutely.
P: Listen to me? What have you done to me Marie?
M: Laugh. You know, you’re not scientific if you just say ‘the science says!’
P: Laugh!
M: So you can go back and listen to some of our previous episodes if you would like the science because it does exist.
P: Laugh.
M: It’s not just us saying the ‘science says so.’
P: It’s there somewhere, I don’t know, I just blast over that stuff.
M: Laugh.
P: Marie’s the one on the science, laugh.
M: Well, it is there definitely. But today we wanted to talk about random acts of kindness specifically and give everyone some ideas and maybe give ourselves some ideas for what we’re going to do in this upcoming week.
P: Mmm, OK. So how often would you have a random act of kindness in a week?
M: I think it’s a mindset.
P: Hmm.
P: Do you think we’ve lost the ability to be kind to each other in the current contemporary society? Ooh, that’s a deep question.
M: I don’t think that society prioritises [kindness] enough. It’s seen as a weakness just like happiness. So Shawn Achor’s book, it’s a great book about happiness at work, shows that what we thought about success is actually the opposite. So, you don’t – there we go, The Happiness Advantage.
M: Successful people aren’t happier, happy people are more successful.
P: Mmm.
M: And I think with kindness, it’s similar and the research shows that as well. Being kind to others is seen as a weakness, but people who mentor others and care for others make better leaders and generally do better. So if you bring people along with you rather than tearing them down in the work environment or a team environment, you’ll succeed more.
P: Yeah.
M: So, I think there’s a lot of misconceptions around kindness, and we maybe need to correct some of those.
P: Misconceptions in what way? Who doesn’t want to be kind?
M: I think that you can get very jaded with this very busy life that we live, and it becomes…
P: An effort to be kind?
M: No, not a priority.
P: Interesting.
M: We’ve become quite selfish, particularly in corporates which are quite cut throat at times.
P: Yep. Well, competitiveness breeds cutthroat.
M: Exactly. And the irony is that the more competitive you are, the more kind you should be. You shouldn’t be cutting kindness off your list of things to do in a day or a week. You should be adding it deliberately and scheduling it in.
P: Mmm.
M: That is my challenge.
P: I think this scheduling it is quite difficult because it is very easy to put on your blinkers. And we had this in an episode a couple of weeks ago, we talked about the taxi driver and the woman getting in, and she was exhausted and she was just over her day and she just wanted to get home. But she chose to engage with the taxi driver. Now, is that an act of kindness?
M: Mmm… That’s not being a dick.
P: Laugh! Well okay, yeah there is that as well, it is coming down to being a dick not being a dick.
M: Yep.
P: Choosing, choosing to actually engage with people and also see people for who they are.
M: It’s stopping to say ‘how are you?’ when a cashier says ‘Hi, how are you?’
P: Yeah, well you had an episode recently when you were on a call centre and you spoke to a lady in India.
M: Yes. So, you know, again, I was on a call trying to get my banking sorted or something. And I have to say those call centres and the rigmarole you go through just to click all the numbers and get to where you want to go –
P: Yeah.
M: – and you’re on hold.
P: Definitely.
M: It sets you up to be in a bad mood, by the time you actually talk to someone.
P: You do because you’re frustrated, because you’re sitting there for 25 minutes going ‘I could be doing so much more with my time!’
M: Absolutely, and lady got on the phone and she was efficient and good at what she did. And I could hear the accent. And I said to her, I hear an accent where you from? And I could hear the hesitation in her voice actually, because I’m sure based on that one question, I could go either way.
P: Mmm, she’s scared. Yeah, exactly.
M: Right, [some] people are racist.
M: Yep. So, she said she was in Mumbai, and I said, ‘I am just so sorry for what is happening in your country right now. I am so blessed that we’re in Australia and that we have no cases, at the moment here, and I can’t even imagine how hard that would be for you right now.’
P: Mmm.
M: And you could hear the relief in her voice just from that one acknowledgement –
P: That one comment, yeah.
M: – that other people are doing it tough and, you know I felt bad.
P: Mmm.
M: So look, I’m not trying to put myself up on a pedestal because I behave like a dick too.
P & M: Laughter!
M: Being honest. We’re all human.
P: But it’s having the presence of mind to acknowledge a human when you’re engaging with them, because I think in society in general we’ve become so used to not engaging as humans, and we lost that ability to recognise that this is a person on the other end of the line.
M: Yeah, a lot of the time, it is simply about remembering to say thank you for something meaningful to people you interact with every day. So next time you talk to your boss, next time you talk to a colleague, what can you add into that conversation that’s going to make them feel happy and put a smile on their face?
P: Mmm, yep. I agree.
M: So simple. Less than 60 seconds, Pete.
P: Laugh!
M: To be kind!
P: Laugh.
M: Help someone else to feel good about their day and to bring joy to their day.
P: Which brings joy to your life. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. It brings you back so much more than what you give out. It’s five seconds of your moment, but it brings you back so much more goodness, in terms of all the all those lovely things that we like to exhibit with neurotransmitters.
M: The first way to be kind or random act of kindness that I think most people can do is to have a look through your house for what you could recycle or up-cycle and pop it on gum tree. Or give it to Vinnies or whatever charity organisation is in your area, for free.
P: I actually have had experiences with that with gum tree. I was selling a very old set of stereo speakers that my Mother gave to me.
M: Aww.
P: Which was, you know, there is old as I am. I remember Mum getting them, they were huge.
M: Were you 21?
P: [Indistinct noises] … I’ll come back to that one.
M: Laugh.
P: But this lovely bloke came around to pick them up and he was super keen. And when you sell something on gum tree, it’s a free for all, you know, you getting these random messages from people going ‘I love you, I love your family, I just want to buy your product.’
M & P: Laugh.
P: It’s like if you could bottle that you’d be a rich person. So, this guy turned up in his little is little Suzuki 121? or whatever it was and he got these massive speakers in there. And then he said ‘oh, you know, I was wondering if you could sell them for $5 cheaper?’ And I went ‘You know what dude, have-em, take-em, I don’t care. Just take em. And he was like ‘Oh, really?’ ‘Yeah, sure. Off you go, enjoy!’ Laugh.
M: And that would have made his day.
P: Exactly, and it was the reaction of his surprise that made me feel really good and so that fuelled me for a couple of days.
M: Yep, absolutely. And that is something that nearly every person can go do whether it’s clothes that don’t fit you anymore, items in the kitchen that you just don’t use, we’ve all got them.
P: Yeah, oh yeah! A George Foreman Grill, laugh.
M: Absolutely. A really, really easy way to, just make someone’s life that little bit easier. Or if you’re going to sell it on gum tree or Facebook marketplace or whatever, give away for free and you’re really going to help someone out. That’s my number one and I can say tick for the week because we did that this morning with our old washing machine.
P: Yay.
M: But I’m going to add more on for us this week.
P: OK, I’m going to throw in here. The one for me is to give to a homeless person.
M: Yes.
P: It’s so easy to walk past someone on the street and even easier now in the day of the non-cash society that we are –
M: Yes.
P: – where everything is done by card. To actually have some cash in your wallet and to give someone not just one or two dollars but to give them $10.
M: If you can afford $10 a quarter or a month, you know.
P: Yeah.
M: Put that aside as something that you’re going to give with no strings attached.
P: Yep.
M: No expectations.
P: It’s an honest, generous giving notion and when it happens spontaneously, I reckon the happiness level that you get from that is five-fold.
M: Absolutely.
P: It’s such a gorgeous gift to go ‘here, have this’ and to see the person’s reaction. It’s like giving presents at Christmas. It’s one thing to send something to someone. It’s another thing to watch them open it and watch the joy and the excitement that, for me, is really precious. And I think that when you actually do that, when you surprise someone by saying ‘I’m not going to give you a coin, I’m going to give you a note.’
M: Yep.
P: And I want you to take this and buy something nice for yourself.
M: Absolutely. We took a lady in the shop next to where she was asking for money and got her a sandwich and we asked,
‘Do you want it toasted?’
‘That would be great’, because it was a bit chilly and
‘Do you want to drink with that?’ and she was like,
‘Could I?’
P: Oh, wow.
M: And I said ‘Do you want dessert?’ Laugh, and just the look on her face. Like, if I couldn’t, couldn’t buy lunch, that would just, yeah I can’t imagine.
P: I think we can get a bit cynical about it as well in contemporary society, we think these people aren’t really poor. They’re not really homeless. They’re just pretending.
M: Or, you know, they brought it on themselves –
P: Oooh!
M: Or what have they done? They could get a job if they wanted to.
P: Yeah, yeah.
M: There’s so much judgement that can so easily creep into your heart.
P: And that’s the cynic, which is why we did this podcast.
M: Absolutely.
P: It’s drop that cynicism, actually see the person for who they are.
M: You don’t even have to, you can just give the 10 bucks and walk on and feel better.
P: True. Yeah, yeah ok.
M: Laugh. If that makes you uncomfortable.
P: See, I like the being uncomfortable.
M: Yep.
P: I think if it’s uncomfortable, it’s challenging. And there’s something… Nothing great comes from being comfortable. I’ve said this a lot in the last few months, that has been a really interesting one for me. No great achievement comes from being in a comfortable space.
M: Yep.
P: You need to challenge yourself. You need to push yourself to be better and that comes in being generous and being kind. You need to push yourself a little bit out of your comfort zone. So the next time the guy comes to your windscreen, to wash your windscreen. Think about that. It’s really easy to dismiss them and go ‘I haven’t got any change in my car anymore, I’m cash-less.’
M: Mmm hmm.
P: What else could you offer? What else could you provide?
M: If strangers are not your cup of tea. There are so many other ways that you can help-out people who are closer in your circle as well, like your neighbours.
P: Oh.
M: We often, don’t speak to our neighbours. I honestly, I’m not throwing rocks because I have no idea who my neighbours are.
P: Laugh.
M: I live in apartment block, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen most of them, we just don’t cross paths ever.
P: Yeah. It’s a very dense city experience.
M: Yes, absolutely. So, things like taking their garbage bins out. Or if you’ve got elderly neighbours and you’re mowing your lawn, you know, helping them out with theirs.
P: Mmm.
M: Things like that can make a really big difference to someone.
P: I’m going to give a shout out here, so I often refer to my Mum in a very negative light sometimes.
M: It’s family, if I ever said anything bad about your Mother, you’d deck me.
P: Laugh! I rip on her a bit. So here we go, my Mum, my Mum, is difficult to love, don’t get me wrong, she’s a hard nut. But there was a lady across the road and she was impaired, physically impaired with illness and Mum used to go out, go across the road, go to the woodpile and bring the wood to the back door –
M: Aww.
P: – so that she didn’t have to go down the stairs to get to the wood. And that sparked off a friendship that sparked off a relationship. And then it turned to Mum, getting the mail, bringing her groceries. All this sort of stuff that Mum just did out of the goodness of kindness. It was like ‘she can’t do it, so I’m going to help her out.’ And when this lovely lady passed away, Mum was like ‘oh’, Mum rang me and she said, ‘I lost my mate today.’ And whenever Mum says that to me, it’s a very poignant moment because, as I said, Mum’s a bit difficult to love sometimes.
M: Giggle.
P: But there’s this lovely generosity in there and when Mum decides to support you, you get supported.
And she said ‘Oh, I lost my mate today.’
And I said, ‘Oh Mum, I’m so sorry.’
And she goes, ‘Yeah, yeah, it was really tough, she got wheeled away and that was the last time that I saw her.’
Three months later, a brand-new television arrived on Mum’s doorstep. The daughters of this lady said, ‘you looked after our Nan – sorry the Grand-daughters – you looked after Nan in her final years and this was something that we bought for her, but we never got to give to her, so we thought you might like it.’
M: Aww. A random act of kindness.
P: Yeah, a random act of kindness and every time that Mum turns on the television to watch the footy, she thinks of her mate. That’s soul fulfilling.
M: Aww, what a lovely story!
P: It’s a brilliant story. You can have that much impact on someone’s life from a random act of kindness.
M: Absolutely, and you don’t even have to go to that length, you don’t even have to give money. You can do something as simple as learning the security guard’s name.
P: Yes.
M: Hi Bob, as you walk in the door.
P: Yep, makes a huge difference.
M: Absolutely, or the receptionist or people that work in your area there are a huge list of things that you can do on a fabulous website called…
P: Random Acts of Kindness
M: dot com!
P: Laugh.
M: It’ll be tough to remember that one, I’m sure.
And they have a lovely calendar, and what I love about their calendar is that they have so many ideas, things like leaving notes for people to find with beautiful messages.
P: Oh! I remember someone doing that for me not looking anywhere but right to my side for my 37th birthday.
M: Laugh, aww. Yep.
P: I still find them, laugh.
M: Or become a blood donor.
P: Yep.
M: That’s not going to cost you anything. Plus, they have really good snacks.
P & M: Laugh.
M: And they’re normally really lovely. So, there’s so many things. They’re all on this site, and in particular they’ve got a kindness calendar so you can kind of theme it. There’s things you can do with your family or your friends, and you’ll never be short of ideas for random acts of kindness.
P: Is that the challenge to this week, Marie? Are we all supposed to go in the calendar and find one act?
M: Absolutely.
P: Is that what we’re doing?
M: I think that is the challenge. Find and do?
P: Alright. So, we’ve got to action it. All right.
M: And as I said, it could be simple and free. Praise someone publicly for their work.
P: Oh, yeah.
M: Something that they’ve done. Go check out the Random Acts of Kindness dot com website, there are some great ideas on the site. Or just look for their calendar and scroll through. There are so many good ideas and they will make you feel better as well.
P: Mmm.
M: And if you really like this idea about spreading kindness and the site is all dedicated to spreading kindness throughout the world and making the world a kinder place, if you buy into that, then schedule it in, first of every month, do something that brings kindness because, as we know, if you don’t schedule it and prioritise that, you forget it, no matter how good it makes you feel, you’ll do it once and never again.
P: Yeah, the other way of doing that is to pop it on the fridge.
M: Yep. Although, I forget things [on the fridge], like I’ve got these gorgeous things that I’ve had in my fridge, and I never remember to look at them.
P: Laugh. Well, maybe put it on your mirror in the bathroom, something to remind you that you did a good thing.
M: Yep.
P: And acknowledge yourself for it because I think that’s actually the beauty of it is when you acknowledge it yourself.
M: Yep.
P: I think that’s where the magical lies.
M: Well actually, there’s some stuff in this calendar about being kind to yourself as well.
P: Oooh, that’s another episode.
M: All right, well, on that note, we should wrap up then, so be kind.
P: Ohhhh. It’s a Cinderella moment.
M: Laugh, until next week.
P: You didn’t do your cut off.
M: What cut off?
P: You didn’t do your cut off. What was the cut off? Not ‘be happy.’
M: Have a happy week?
P: That’s it.
M: Laugh. Alright, have a happy week, guys. Bye.
P: Laugh. Bye!
[Happy exit music – background]
M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.
P: And if you like our little show we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.
M: Until next time.
M & P: Choose happiness.
[Exit music fadeout]
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