Happy World Gratitude Day (E36)

Happiness for Cynics

Happy World Gratitude Day!

In this week’s episode, Marie and Pete revisit the topic of gratitude and discuss some practical and fun ways to be more grateful in your life.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker focused on change and resilience.

P: And I am Peter Furness, keen recycler, blog writer and driver with the top down. Each week we bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low.

P: Or if you’re only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it?

M: Or maybe you just want more.

P: More? Then this is the place to be.

M: And to take us one step further on our happiness journey today is World Gratitude Day.

P: Yay.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: So welcome back. It is soon to be World Gratitude Day.

P: Yay!

M: [Laugh] September 21st for those of you who aren’t keeping track of these things.

P: Which is everybody.

M: Yep. [Laugh]

P: I didn’t know that as-well, until yesterday.

M: So what better time to start a new, practice of gratitude and bring a little bit more happiness into your life?

P: Of course, it’s what we’re here for.

M: And I think that is the point though, it’s about starting a new practice, and so many of us just aren’t doing that.

P: Mmm.. Do the work people. But it’s true and we’ve talked about this before in different episodes of making actions, doing actions to actually support what is going on with happiness and the elements of happiness, and gratitude is a big one.

M: Now early on in our journey of discovering happiness. We did an episode on gratitude, and we dug into the science. So today’s not about the science, today’s about practical things that you can do in the gratitude realm to increase your happiness. But it wouldn’t be our show if we didn’t just quickly touch on the science. [Laugh]

P: Of-course Marie, [laugh]. Science Marie?

M: I’m going to do it in one sentence.

P: Impressive.

M: You ready? 3.. 2.. 1  The science is clear, 30 years of Positive Psychology research, a lot of it in the area of gratitude, has shown us that practicing gratitude makes you happier, less stressed, it leads to higher overall well-being and satisfaction with your life and better social relationships.

P: Done.

M: And still, so many of us don’t practice Gratitude as part of our weekly practices.

P: Yes, actually, having a tick list of your active gratitude for the week.

M: Absolutely.

P: How many of us do it? [Whispers] Very few.. [Laugh] Maybe some of us do, do it? Marie?

[Laughter]

M: I’ve been doing a whole lot of research into habits and habit making and actually looking at successful people and how they start their days in particular.

P: Mmm. Yes.

M: Some people are really good at the end of the day’s as well, but a lot of it’s about how you start your day and really it comes down to scheduling it.

P: Yeah.

M: You put stuff in your diary and you make it a part of your daily or weekly practices and that happens, if you don’t, it doesn’t happen.

P: It’s exactly the same as starting a new diet or doing an exercise regime you’ve got to schedule it in.

M: Yep.

P: So you never go ‘Oh, I just forgot.’ No you didn’t forget you just didn’t do.

M: Yep, yep.

P: It’s on you people. [Laugh]

M: And to make it happen, you’ve got to make it part of your schedule. You’ve gotta have a diary and you’ve gotta have things that you prioritise. And that means also, at times things that you de-prioritise in order for that to happen.

P: Yes, making space for [it].

M: Definitely. So Gratitude. Super important. Do it people!

P: [Laugh]

M: Because what the science shows is it just like with exercise, you can train your brain to be more positive.

P: Yes, I agree.

M: So, look the science shows it, I’m glad you agree Pete.

P: [Laugh]

M: Today we’re going to talk about some brain exercises.

P: Yipee! Get on your sweat pants and your eighties fluorescent G strings with the headbands.

M: [Laugh]

P: Here we go.

M: Alright, so the first brain exercise comes from Shawn Achor, who’s the American author and speaker known for his advocacy of positive psychology, particularly in the work place. He’s the author of ‘The Happiness Advantage’ and he founded Goodthink [Inc.]

D: Ooh, good title.

M: Definitely. So this one is the easy one. I challenge anyone to tell me that they can’t do this.

P: Ok, challenge me. I’m already accepting the challenge. Tell me what I’m doing?

M: Great.

P: Oh oh…

M: I’ll see you in 21 days.

P: Oh this is another Altruistic August thing.

M: [Laugh] That you didn’t do.

P: [Indignant voice] I did do!

M: Anyway, Shawn has proven that in just a two minute span of time for 21 days you could rewire your brain. What it does is it re-wires your brain to work more optimistically and successfully.

P: Ok.

M: So he’s taken this into every company that he’s worked with and companies, your traditional companies, have some of the biggest cynics, I think.

P: Yes, Corporate. Definitely.

M: Absolutely. Two minutes a day for 21 days. And he’s rewiring their brains to be more optimistic.

P: Ok.

M: So here’s what you do. It’s so simple.

Write down three new things that you’re grateful for, for 21 days in a row.

P: New things?

M: New things each day.

P: Okay, all right.

M: At the end of that, your brain actually starts to retain a pattern of scanning the world for not the negative, but the positive.

P: Yeah ok. This is the camera thing. Focus on what you want and take a picture and if you don’t just get rid of the negative and take another shot.

M: Yeah.

P: Yes, I like it. I like it.

M: So that’s it.

P: It’s re-programming.

M: That is it. 21 days, two minutes, write down three things that you’re grateful for. And this is about teaching your brain to look for positive things. It could be. I am grateful for the clean air I’m breathing up here in Tamworth.

P: [Laugh] We all remember it was January this year, we were all wearing masks because of the bush fires and we’re there again. September is here, bushfire season is upon us again.

M: Yeah, I’m grateful for the majestic yet terrible and wild country we live in.

P: [Laugh]

M: But again, it’s about being grateful and noticing the little things that we, we take so much for granted.

P: Yeah. And it’s not until you don’t have it, you don’t realise how important it is.

M: So this is rewiring your brain to realise how important that is.

P: Oh completely, I’m very big on this. On taking those moments, and this comes back to mindfulness. So, driving down to the Royal National Park a couple of weekends ago and standing at Wattamolla Beach, I was so in awe of scenery and reminded myself, this is what you should be doing every month. Take an afternoon off, go for a walk in the park and find a spot where you could be inspired and just create awe and it’s so important. And that mindfulness each day, it could be when I’m sitting on the front balcony at 10 o’clock, because I’ve got a random half hour off, and soaking in the sunshine.

M: And stopping to feel that heat on your cheeks. It’s not just being in the sunshine. It’s appreciating that you are in the sunshine.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: All right, so that was brain exercise number one. So simple yet so impactful. Number two is from the King, the founder of Positive Psychology, Martin Seligman and he calls this the Gratitude visit and this is so powerful.

P: Ok.

M: So this one takes a little bit more to do, but it is a one off, so you could do it once.

P: Is this is once a month, once a week?

M: Just, just a one off. You can do it once a year. That would be lovely to.

P: Ok.

M: So, Pete and listeners.

P: Oh oh. What, did I sign up for this?

M: Close your eyes. Sshh. Calm your mind Pete.

P: Oh, do I have to adopt the yoga lotus pose?

M: No just close your eyes. Now, if you’re a listener and you’re driving or running, don’t close your eyes.

P: [Laugh]

M: Stay with me Pete.

P: Sorry, focus, focus.

M: So if you’re running or driving then just listen intently. For the rest of you, close your eyes.

Okay. So, to start with, I want you to think back and remember someone who did something enormously important that has changed your life in a good way.

P: Okay.

M: They’ve got to be alive. Keep going till you find someone who’s impacted your life in a good way. Who’s still alive. Preferably someone that you’ve never properly thanked.

P: Okay, Got it.

M: Alright. Will you share with us, Pete?

P: Oh, yes. I will.

M: Yes. You can open your eyes.

P: So I’m thinking back to when I was 21 and it was my first job and a lovely young lady who was living in the house that I was being billeted at when I first flew up to Townsville in North Queensland. And.. we were having a party, and we were all in the pool, [it was] boiling hot. And she arrived late and introduced herself to me. And when I was trying to find a place to live, she was in real estate and so she helped me out with going to the real estate agent’s office and finding a home and we ended up becoming, we’ve ended up become lifelong friends, and I guess I have thanked her for other things. But I’ve never thanked her for the first couple of weeks where she basically taxied me around and helped me out. So, Sandra, I know you’re listening and –

M: – No, sshht.  So your assignment.

P: Oh, oh, sorry we’re not there.

M: I’m stopping you right there because you’re about to go into the next part of the assignment.

P: See I do this naturally.

[Laughter]

M: So for listeners at home and for Pete. You’ve now got someone who has impacted your life for the positive. Who is still alive.

P: Yep, yep.

M: Your assignment is to write a 300 word, testimonial to that person.

P: Oh, done. Easy. Got it.

M: Then you have to call them on the phone, ask if you can visit and don’t tell them why. Now they’re all the way out there. You don’t have to go all the way out in the world.

P: Okay.

M: So you could do this and just ask for a video call, particularly nowadays.

P: Ok. Righto

M: But it would definitely be far more powerful if you can see someone in person. Ask if you can visit and don’t tell them why. So you show up at the door or in today’s Covid world you videoconference them and you read them your testimonial. And according to Martin Seligman, everyone cries when this happens.

P: Yep. Especially if it’s in person.

M: Yes, exactly. That’s powerful, you know innately that’s powerful.

P: Yes. That’s right.

M: Okay, so here’s the good part. Apart from that just being such a feel good moment for you and the other person who’s receiving that message. The good part is, what Martin and his team have done is they’ve done this exercise with many people, and they’ve followed up with them afterwards and they test people one week later, a month later and three months later, three months later. Three months later, they’re both happier and less depressed.

P: Wow.

M: Both people, the giver and the receiver of the good message.

P: Oh, alright. I’m in, I’m down.

M: One simple thing, again it takes a little bit more time. But three months later, that powerful act has impacted.

P: And it would, especially if you’re there in person because you have taken time and effort to actually go and investigate and commit. That’s powerful, really powerful.

M: Yep.

P: Actions speak louder than words.

M: Absolutely. So that was my brain exercise Number two. It has three months worth of impact. The first one [only] 2 minutes for 21 days, don’t stop after 21 days, you can get into that habit and make it a habit, two minutes a day will rewire your brain to be more positive. And I actually know quite a few people who are true cynics.

P: [Laugh]

M: I call myself a cynic and I definitely did get really stuck in that corporate rat race through my twenties and think that that was just where I needed to be and where I was focusing my mental energy and efforts, but I have always been a bit positive.

P: [Laugh] You have.

M: But if you are wanting to look at the world more in a half glass full way, then that is a really great exercise, the first one to do.

P: And we can all get stuck in that as well. I mean as a supposedly positive person, as I’ve been called. [I was] called that this week, which was quite sweet. I still yell at  technology, I’m known to have a hissy fit when something’s not going right, and I’ll throw things, like I’ve broken the TV remote and then had to explain how I broke it to my housemate.

M: [Laugh]

P: And then I’m like ‘Ah yeah.. my bad.’

[Laughter]

P: So even if you are that happy person you can still do these exercises to remind yourself and to re- I think the refocusing, that camera thing- focusing on what is positive brings more positivity. It so works. It’s like seeing red cars.

M: [Laugh]

P: Say red car and then, all of a sudden all you see are red cars.

M: Yep. And I think that Covid has definitely made us get – Covid, and the media coverage that came with it- has definitely made us more attuned to the negative this year. So this is, this is a really good balancing act. So even for people who are positive and happy, I’ve seen a lot of them really come down from a positive into a neutral if not negative this year.

P: Yep.

M: Really good exercise for people who might be struggling this year with keeping a positive outlook.

P: Yep definitely. I mean, that’s a really nice segway into my contribution to the podcast.

M: Yes, so what have you got for us?

P: I’ve been looking at actions of gratitude. So there are so, so when you say gratitude people go ‘there’s so much choice of what to do, What’s the list? Give me a list. So I’ve gone through some of the known factors of gratitude that you can do.

Now there are big actions, as you’ve done in your two brain tasks. There are big, big actions that you could do what you could probably do once a week, once a month and this is a checklist. So if you haven’t had your act of gratitude for the week, this is a checklist you can go through and actually go ‘right, that’s what I’m going to do this month. That would be my one act of gratitude.’

So they’re things like giving a detailed example of appreciation;

Writing a positive review for someone

(which we all do these days with cafes, restaurants, headdresses, massage therapists.)

M: Well, here’s the thing, Pete. So having worked in public affairs, corporate affairs and looking at things like who leaves reviews and not.

You are so much more likely, I don’t know the stats off my head [21% more likely], but so much more likely and leave a negative review than a positive review.

P: Yes.

M: A negative review can significantly impact a business.

P: Hugely.

M: Hugely. So you’ve had a good experience with someone. Take the time to write them a review. Just three words, service was great or loved the food or whatever it is and pop down your stars into Google or whatever review app, makes such a difference to so many people.

P: And keeping that balance as well. I mean, I’ve written negative reviews because I’ve been so emotional after a bad experience.

M: Mm Hmm.

P: I think it’s important to then go ‘Right, where am I gonna put my positive review? Keep it balanced.

M: Yep, yep.

P: Because that’s important about that focus.

M: Yep.

P: Reminding yourself to focus on the positive.

Be an active listener.

M: Sorry?

P: Active listening, so really engaging with someone.

[Laughter]

M: It took you a while.

P: I was on a roll there.

M: What, sorry. Did you say something?

P: [Laugh] Active listening, it’s engaging with the person. So it’s not speaking over the top of them.

[Laughter]

P: Jumping in on their conversation, which we never do on the podcast.

[Laughter]

P: But really listening to what someone is saying, hearing their words and even waiting before you respond and thinking about what you’re going to respond with. That’s really important, and that’s about empathy as well and tapping into so many other [Positive Psychology aspects].

M: To build on that thinking about what you’re going to respond with after they’ve spoken, because you’re always thinking about what you’re going to say next. You’re not really actually listening.

P: That’s right, yeah.

Giving out compliments

Oddly enough we don’t do it all the time. You think ‘that was nice’ and walk away. Whereas if someone’s been really, really great getting to service, I think if someone’s giving you great service or if someone’s actually helped you out at the cash register in woolworths, give them a compliment. Train your brain to give those compliments. Sorry I’m clicking, I’m excited.

M: [Laugh] But also the better you know someone, the less likely you are to remember to tell them.

P: compliment them. Yes.

M: Tell them lovely, you don’t even have to believe these ones. Just is a really lovely thing to do.

P: Yeah.

M: “I love your earrings.” “Your hair looks pretty today”, you know “Nice shoes.” Whatever it is, you have got a beautiful smile.

P: Yep.

M: Actually, if you can stay away from the clothes that I just mentioned.

P: [Laugh]

M: That’s a bit empty isn’t it?

P: Not necessarily.

M: A little bit empty but still, still better than nothing, right?

P: Yeah.

Volunteering for unpleasant tasks.

Now, this is something that a lot of people won’t want to do. Taking the garbage out, cleaning the garbage bins. Oh, that’s a big one.

M: Well, when we talked about love language. I said that’s service to others.

P: Yes.

M: So this is what I do. I clean, I cook, I, you know, whatever it is. I hate doing it all.

P: [Laugh]

M: But it is my way of showing love to others.

P: That’s a weekly thing, if you can do one unpleasant task a week. You’re on the right path.

M: Yep.

P:

Hug someone.

M: Yay!

P: This is my love language, give someone a hug.

M: Happy to hug someone.

P: Go up and just throw you arms around someone randomly. That was actually a really funny thing when we went back to volleyball after Covid and our President of our Gay and Lesbian Volleyball Association released a press statement saying, ‘No hugging or kissing.’ It was like ‘what! Are you kidding!’ [Laugh]

M: Bloody Covid, actually hug someone in your household.

P: Yep. OK.

M: Yeah.

P: Excellent.

Be gracious when you’re challenged.

Now, this is a hard one. When someone is challenging you, when someone is making a critique of you or giving you some feedback, which is not positive, be gracious with it. Understand where they’re coming from, again be an active listener. Try to, not take it personally, if you can. It’s a hard one.

M: Yeah, I’d say that if you’re in a good mental space, then that is where you should be aiming. If you’re not in a good mental space in your first gut reaction is defensiveness or being upset again it’s about just taking a breath and understanding. It’s not necessarily even about you of times.

P: Yeah, exactly.

M: Your reaction could be more, feeling triggered, rather than a true reaction.

P: And taking a moment to understand that is very important.

M: Yeah. So being gracious when challenged, I’d say Absolutely. We should be aiming for that when we’re in a good mental health space. Being forgiving of yourself if you’re not right now, because that’s we’re all, all over the place at the moment as well.

P: Yep. That’s fair.

A hand written note.

Writing a card, birthday card, get well card, leaving a card at someone’s door. All that sort of stuff. That’s a really easy one to do once a week.

M: Yeah.

P: If you feel like it, and it makes a big impact. We don’t receive things in the mail anymore. And it would make a lovely distract[ion], even if you come home and see something on the door. Someone saying I liked this about their day today.

Journal your Blessings.

P: Again, keeping a journal. This is a daily one. That’s a really good one, a really powerful one. So, if you haven’t got a journal, go buy one. And the big one:

Smile.

M: Smile.

P: Smile, pen between the teeth.

M: Can we, yeah, there’s one.

P: [Laugh]

M: Can we finish with that?

P: Okay.

M: So, I did message this to, I have a group chat going on ‘What’s app’ or ‘messenger’ or something, and I asked everyone to put a pen in their mouths and show their teeth for 30 seconds. So you put, like a dog with a bone.

P: [Laugh]

M: So sticking out the sides, not, not straight but going sideways. So it’s sticking out both sides of your mouth and put it really far back in your teeth and show your teeth, your front and your top teeth, but a pen. Do it and hold it there for 30 seconds. I asked everyone on the chat to send me their photos.

P: [Laugh]

M: Now, firstly, the photos were hilarious.

P: [Laugh] I was wearing my unicorn hat.

M: They were pretty, pretty, funny. Secondly, this is just such an easy trick. So because you’re cheeks are pulled back in the shape of a smile, your brain is tricked into releasing the feel good chemicals-

P: Oxytocin?

M: – because it thinks that you are happy because you’re smiling essentially. And what I found most interesting was who engaged with that request in the group and who didn’t.

P: Yes, Ah interesting.

M: Yes, anyway, I’m not going to psycho-analyse my friends on this show.

P: [Laugh]

M: But it was it was really telling and a great exercise to just give yourself a short, sharp, quick happiness boost.

P: And we were all wondering what was going to come back at us.

[Laughter]

P: It’s a good one to do.

M: Absolutely. All right. Well, we’re done for today. Thank you again. I would love if you could visit our site marieskelton.com and check out the book that we’re launching.

P: Oh, exciting!

M: Yes, a spin off from one of our favourite episodes, Self-care is Church for Non-Believers, and our book will be launched on Amazon. You can pre order it now. Yes. So look for Self-Care is Church from Non-Believers. Or go to our website, marieskelton.com and check out the book section to order it there.

P: Thanks and subscribe to this podcast if you like it and people, Choose Happiness.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Moving On article Practicing Gratitude: Why and How You Should do it , listen to our Podcast: The Importance of Gratitude (E3)