Fighting the Loneliness Epidemic (E94)

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about fighting the loneliness epidemic and discuss 12 silver linings of positive solitude.

Show notes

12 Silver Linings of Positive Solitude 

1. Self-Connection 

2. Autonomy 

3. Self-Determined Motivation 

4. Competence/Skill-Building 

5. Self-Growth 

6. Felt Efficacy 

7. Self-Reliance 

8. Freedom from Pressure 

9. Self-Reflection 

10. Appreciation of the Environment 

11. Spirituality 

12. Peaceful Mood 

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]  

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: Welcome back.

P: Hi hi hi!

M: And it’s another sunny day in Sydney.

P: Aaahhh… Beautiful, Lovely. It’s slightly windy, but you know, it’s good for the sailing ships.

M: Is it?

P: All those people are in the harbour that are sailing their yachts.

M: I guess…

P: Laugh.

M: Is really strong wind good?

P: Is it that strong?

M: I think it is pretty strong.

P: Palm trees are flowing everywhere… So, it is a bit strong.

M: Mmm.

P: Yeah.

M: Sailing is not my thing.

P: Laugh.

M: I’ve been sailing… once. And that was about it.

P & M: Laugh.

P: It’s a nice image to go with anyway. Somewhere, someone is enjoying the wind. Kite flyers will enjoy the wind.

M: There you go.

P: Yeah.

M: Unless there’s too much wind again.

P: Laugh.

M: Then that’s not good, cause a kite dive bombs.

P: I see images of Mary Poppins.

M: Laugh.

P: And being taken off by the wind.

M & P: Laugh.

M: We lost Mary!

P: Laugh, goodness me!

M & P: Laugh!

P: I’ve got something to share this week.

M: Oh!

P: A little tip for happiness.

M: Please do share.

P: Yeah. I was talking with a friend of mine, and she has a little happiness moment with her daughter every night, and it comes up with the Facebook reminder photos.

M: Aww. Yes.

P: So those little reminders that come back from your memory. So, she sits down with her daughter every night and goes, Okay, what are we remembering tonight? And an image will come up. And sometimes for Lucia, she doesn’t know Sandara’s pre-Lucia history. So, it’s a really nice way for Sandara to share with her daughter about ‘Oh, this is when I used to do this’ or ‘this is this person that I knew in this country’ and they have a really lovely little moment.

M: Aww.

P: And it’s their moment of appreciation and thankfulness for experiences.

M: I love it. There’s a great site launched recently, and it is about photos that bring you joy and happiness.

P: We talked about that once in an episode.

M: Yeah, we did a while ago. Every now and then I get an email and I go and have a squiz, you know, and it’s not only people posting photos of their pets, so there is more to it –

P: Laugh!

M: – than that, laugh. But again, photos and photo-taking we’ve discussed many times. There’s been lots of surveys and lots of research into the impacts of taking photos.

P: Mmm.

M: So, yeah, that’s a good one.

P: That’s a nice way to connect and it’s really easy.

M: Yep.

P: You can do it.

M: Yeah, and the benefit is to go back. So, now that everyone’s gone digital, we’re not pulling out the old photo albums and have people come around.

P: Yes, slide nights. Remember slide nights? Laugh.

M: Yep, laugh. Who can forget them.

P & M: Laugh!

P: Because we weren’t there when you went to Malta.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Laugh.

M: I think, you know, being able to pull your phone out and still take some [photos] through your trip or something definitely has benefits.

P: Mmm, definitely. And it’s one of the uses of social media, which I still subscribe to, even though I’m very anti- social media. When I when I take a trip, I do publish because it’s the way that a lot of my family see my trip.

M: Yep.

P: And they like to see it as well.

M: Plus, when you do publish, you get the reminders.

P: Exactly that’s, that’s very true.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So, it did make me think of that when I was talking to Sandara last week, so thank you for that, it was lovely.

M: All right. So, what are we talking about today?

P: Oh… What are we talking about today? I’ve forgotten already, laugh.

M: We’re talking about solitude and loneliness.

P: Laugh. That’s right. And positive solitude.

M: Yes. We’re talking about, one of the three pillars that we talk about, which is strong social connections, which has been proven time and time again to be one of the most influential factors in someone’s happiness.

P: It’s in the top three, isn’t it?

M: It is number one.

P: Oh, laugh.

M: So, we’ve got three pillars. This is one of them, and it is number one out of the three.

P: Laugh.

M: And if you look at the Harvard Longitudinal Study and it showed, it’s the longest study of its kind, looking at how long people live, how healthfully they live and how happy they are over their lives and those with strong social connections beat everyone else hands down.

P: The quality of life in their senior years particularly, was so much stronger and better.

M: Yes, from a physical health point of view as well as mental health. So, being lonely, we’re back here again, Pete.

P: Laugh.

M: Being lonely kills.

P: Mmm, yes. It does people. People die.

M: So, we’re talking today about the social connection pillar and two studies that have come out recently. So, the first one is all about the silver linings of solitude, and it found that alone time during covid was a rewarding experience for many.

P: Mmm.

M: So, we’re actually delving into the nitty gritty of these statements. You know, relationships are important. It’s a very broad-brush statement.

P: Laugh.

M: So, we’re trying to deep dive today into how come so many people experienced positive outcomes from being socially isolated.

P: Laugh. It doesn’t seem like the right thing, does it?

M: It’s completely backwards.

P: Laugh.

M: And there are reasons, and the reasons are that solitude and loneliness are two very different things.

P: Mmm, yeah. It’s good to be very clear about that, because loneliness is debilitating in all forms.

M: Yep.

P: But I think that solitude has this positive aspect to it, which is what the study talks about.

M: Yep, and really, it’s talking about the difference between being alone and being lonely.

P: Mmm.

M: And you can be alone. And as an introvert, I gravitate towards activities I do by myself.

P: Yep.

M: And love that time. And I wouldn’t say I’m lonely during those times.

P: Yeah.

M: Because when I’m lonely, I go seek out people. And in fact there are almost two different sides of that spectrum for me. So, if I’m lonely, I’ll go seek out people. if I want alone time, I don’t want people.

P: Mmm. It is a balancing act. It’s really a seesaw because you need to have both in your life. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing to be lonely for a very short period of time. Because if it propels you forward to create more social connections and remember to keep those connections happening, that’s a really good outcome.

M: Mmm hmm. Yep.

P: But it’s that, as I said, it’s a short term, and alone time is brilliant. It’s like being bored. It leads to something creative. It leads to something else, it leads to finding solutions or investing in self-reflection or meditation, or something that you wouldn’t do if you were distracted by other people.

M: Yep, absolutely. So, the researchers call it positive solitude.

P: Mmm, I like that.

M: Yep. And so what they have found and what positive solitude studies in general have found, is that many people flourish when they’re alone and thrive on the autonomy of not being with others.

P: Laugh. Marie’s putting her hand up here.

M: Absolutely, so I am definitely happier being stuck in a corner, doing my work by myself and not being bothered by people.

P: Laugh.

M: I love all my colleagues, don’t get me wrong, but a day full of meetings is draining for me, whereas a few hours in the afternoon, uninterrupted by anyone where I get to deep dive into work and find flow.

P: Mmm.

M: That is what brings me joy and satisfaction. And a lot of people discovered that when they went into lockdown, they also found enjoyment out of doing activities by themselves.

P: Mmm. Well, it’s interesting with the study because she talks about the lack of commute time or the lack of enforced alone time. And I was interested in that aspect because for me being on a tube going to work, it’s not the same as having a half hour to myself on the balcony at home, different parameters of… concepts of time, I think.

M: I think… it is different, but I have found that being able to put headphones on, on a bus can give me that same me time.

P: Yeah, totally agree with you.

M: They are different, though, and again, I think the bus is a very short term or the tube, short term amount of time. But there is something lovely in the morning when you are communing with being able to put your headphones on and tune out the world and listen to your favourite podcast or show or whatever it is that you’re doing.

P: Yeah, I learnt that last year with my drive to Uni. I thought, ‘Oh my God, 45 minutes, I’m going to go ah!!!’ And then I actually learned to just chill out, laugh.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So, I’d put some queen on and put the top down and sing to my heart’s content.

M: Yep.

P: And that was really beneficial at 7:30 in the morning.

M: And again, there’s something lovely about that time and you can make it me time.

P: Yes.

M: Rather than a stressful commute.

P: Mmm, yep.

M: Yet again, I agree with you. It’ll never compare to just having 30 minutes at home by yourself because.

P: Yep.

M: Because you can’t really walk around in your underwear eating straight out of the peanut butter jar.

P: Laugh. Yeah.

M: On a bus!

P: Don’t laugh, people. You know it’s true. You all want to do it!

M & P: Laugh!

P: And I’m all for it. I’m all for those indulgences. I think that’s great. My poor housemate sometimes catches me in the middle of it.

M: Laugh. What this study found was for those with self-determined motivation, which has a lot to unpack. For those with self-determined motivation, solitude was a catalyst for self-growth and having more alone time gave them a chance to focus on skill building activities without interruption.

P: Mmm.

M: So, this is about the people who found motivation during lockdown, and a lot of people didn’t.

P: Yes.

M: And they floundered. But there was a subset of the population who found that during lockdown, they we’re motivated, and they experienced 12 different types of benefits to being in lockdown and having that alone time forced upon them.

P: Mmm, so does it come down to personality type?

M: Absolutely, yes.

P: Yeah, right. So, a certain personality type is more susceptible to loneliness, as opposed to –

M: Aah, I wouldn’t say that necessarily. To being motivated or demotivated by change.

P: Mmm.

M: To making the best of it into being optimistic and finding a way through versus being overcome by anxiety or the situation and not being proactive.

P: Mmm. I wonder if that’s trainable.

M: Optimism definitely is. And if I haven’t mentioned it before, I’ll mention it again. Down in Melbourne, Victor Perton has a great organisation called the Centre for Optimism. It’s a small membership fee, and they bring in experts from around the world and you can tune in on a lunchtime or an evening session. They’ve got great talks and it’s all about how to change the way you think.

P: That’s brilliant.

M: Yep.

P: So worthwhile, if I guess, if you are predetermined, predestined for that other side of loneliness then maybe that’s something to invest into.

M: Not so much loneliness, but optimism or not. And that optimism really dictates how you respond to what happens in your life.

P: Yeah, and we know that it’s our responses that determine our emotions.

M: Exactly, yeah. And so, if you shut down when lockdown happened for whatever valid reason, there was a lot going on, right?

P: Definitely, yeah.

M: So there’s no judgement at all there. But if, if you shut down as a result of lockdown and stopped reaching out to people and really just let the anxiety and the fear and the sadness overwhelm you, then that could lead to loneliness.

P: Yes, definitely. This is a technique that you can use to maybe interrupt that.

M: Absolutely. Whereas the optimists went, all right, how many fancy dress WebEx meetings can I set up?

P: Laugh!

M: How am I going to make sure that I get through this and I bring my friends through and my family through it, in a positive mental health space?

P: Mmm, mmm.

M: So, really I think the motivated individuals that they’re talking about here had 12 benefits and we won’t go into too much detail. But I will read out the 12 benefits.

P: Sure.

M: So, one is self-connection. So, connecting with yourself. Two [is] autonomy. So, really we’ve spoken a lot with meaning and purpose about the need for, and flow for autonomy and control at times.

P: Yep.

M: Three is self-determined motivation. So, it’s not me telling you, Pete, don’t be so lonely, talk to people?

P: Laugh! Cause that’s how it works.

M: Laugh.

P: Ok.

M: Sure.

P & M: Laugh.

M: And anyone who’s ever tried to tell a teenager to do something will know, it just doesn’t happen.

P: Laugh.

M: So, self-determined motivation is number three.

P: Yep.

M: Four is competence or skill building. I think, Udemy, which is an online learning platform, doubled their course –

P: Oh, really? Wow.

M: – their course sales when covid hit.

P: Gosh.

M: Five, self-growth, which is very closely tied to skill building but probably a bit more in the self-help category.

P: Yep.

M: Six is felt efficacy.

P: Oh, felt efficacy.

M: Yes. So again, there’s a lot in here about just being aware of yourself and your growth and your needs. And so, a lot of people have spent a lot of time understanding themselves better and knowing themselves better.

P: Knowing their strengths.

M: These people are efficient and feeling their efficacy.

P: Ok.

M: Self-reliance is number seven and again so great to build those skills and to do all those DIY projects –

P: Yeah.

M: – and learn how to make sour dough bread –

P: Laugh.

M: – and garden.

P: But know that you are okay on your own.

M: Yeah, number eight, this one was great for me, freedom from pressure.

P: Oh, that’s a lot to unpack.

M: I didn’t have to make excuses to not go out.

P: Laugh. Oh, yes. I’m feeling that today actually.

M & P: Laugh!

M: You’re coming up to exams, aren’t you?

P: Yeah, I had a little moment today, ‘I just want to go on my own! I need everyone to stop!’ Laugh.

M: Absolutely. So, number eight freedom from pressure.

P: Mmm.

M: Number nine, self-reflection. Again, you know, they’re all interlinked.

P: Yeah.

M: Ten, appreciation of the environment.

P: Oh, yes. That’s a big one.

M: Yep.

P: A lot of people found out things like, ‘Oh, there’s a park behind me that I can walk in because it’s the only thing I can do.’

M: Yep. Or even just, you know, I actually sat down, and I really, am very lucky that I live in the house I live in. So, the environment that I’m in, I’m so grateful for.

P: What I have at my fingertips.

M: Yep.

P: Yeah.

M: Number eleven, spirituality. A lot of people reconnected with self and spirit and with their faith.

P: Yep.

M: And then twelve, peaceful mood.

P: Oh, that’s very generic.

M: Well, I think for me not feeling pulled in a million directions to do you really gave me a sense of calm.

P: Yeah. Well, everyone’s always saying, if only we had four more hours in the day.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Maybe you just need to be more selective to give yourself permission to give yourself more time?

M: Yeah, but then you’ve got the pressure to say yes and all of that stuff that gets added on.

P: Yeah.

M: So, I think people were freed from all of that extra expectation placed on them.

P: Yeah, obligation.

M: And they were just able to be –

P: More peaceful, yeah.  

M: Just able to be.

P: I wonder if that’s something that people are going to hold onto as we come on the other side of this.

M: I definitely [will].

P: Yeah, I think people make more of those conscious decisions.

M: To not do things.

P: To go, ‘No, I’m not going to buy… I’m not going to cover that up. I’m going to give myself that hour or hour and a half on my own.’

M: Well, I’ve actually gone into my calendar and put once a month for me time.

P: Yes!!

M: And a whole weekend, a whole weekend where I don’t commit to [anything].

P: Love it.

M: It’s not that I don’t love catching up with friends going out to dinner, going to theatre, but there comes a time where I’m like ‘I’m exhausted by this.’

P: I feel sometimes, I mean, this is the funny thing. You say all that and I’m like Marie’s always taking me places.

M & P: Laugh!

P: You’re always sending me invites.

M & P: Laugh!

P: And I’m supposed to be the extravert!

M & P: Laugh!

M: You’re just busy. All right, we’ll keep moving. So, obviously the people who did this study did realise that there is also a dark side to solitude.

P: Mmm.

M: So, we’ve talked about positive solitude.

P: Yep.

M: But a 14-year-old in the interviews mentioned quote, “I miss my friends and being able to interact with them.” And then a 37-year-old said, “For a long while I was fine, spending time by myself, as I’m a loner by nature. However, recently I felt very frustrated and angry that I don’t have any friends to call on.”

P: Yeah.

M: So, there is a real sharp edge that you can get to and fall off very quickly.

P: Yes.

P: And that’s the investment in those social connections.

M: Yes.

P: You have to keep them going. So, when the time comes where you do need to reach out, you have one or two there.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: That’s the important message people. And I know I’m banging; I’m getting excited people!

M & P: Laughter!

M: I’m going to have to tape your hands –

P: No!

M: – behind your back.

P: I want to move and be free and express myself, laugh.

M: All good. All right, So the second study is supporting very much the tried-and-true social connections are an important message that we –

P: Yes, this is the science.

M: Yes, the science.

P: We love this.

M: Laugh. So, there’s a recent study that took blood samples from older adults who have experienced social isolation, and they had higher levels of two biomarkers of inflammation. So, I’m going to try and pronounce them interleukin-6 and C-reactive protein.

P: Yes.

M: So, this was published in the Journal of American Geriatrics Society, and it looked at the negative long-term consequences of social isolation and the health of older people as they age.

P: Mmm.

M: And they looked at 4,648 Medicare beneficiaries aged 65 years and older. So, I think it’s, again we talk about the interlinking between mental health and physical health.

P: Yes.

M: And how in Western society we are only just waking up to how everything is connected. Mind and body, Eastern philosophy and Eastern medicine got there millennia before us.

P: Way back, laugh. 1000 years ago, they were there.

M: Yeah, so this is just another study that shows that loneliness and its impacts on our mental health has a physical impact on our bodies.

P: It predisposes us to inflammatory agents within our blood plasma interleukin-6 is a precursor to the C-reactive protein.

M: Oh, we’ve got him started.

P & M: Laugh!

P: It’s getting interesting, laugh! But these things are happening because of what’s going on with our mental capacity and our mental health.

M: Yeah.

P: They are the biomarkers that make us more disposed to experience inflammation and inflammation is such a big issue with so many people when they’re feeling low.

M: Yeah, the lead author, Thomas Cudjoe says,

“Our findings demonstrate an important association between social isolation and biological processes. This work is a step in the journey to disentangle the mechanisms by which social isolation leads to higher levels of morbidity and mortality.”

P: Totally linked. Yep.

M: Loneliness kills.

P: It does, people die.

M: Yep.

P: And we don’t say that lightly. It’s so true.

M: Absolutely, so this is the research showing why, as we get older building houses and homes that encourage social interaction.

P: Yes.

M: Rather than high rises where you never see your neighbours.

P: The density and all that sort of stuff.

M: All of those types of things for urban planning that we talk about and then investing in a lot of relationships and activities you can continue to do into your seventies, eighties and nineties.

P: Yep.

M: So important.

P: That sense of community and that supportive framework and parks and gardens.

M: And having an opportunity to meet new people on a regular basis, participating in your local RSL or whatever it is.

P: The Orchid society.

M: Absolutely and finding a way to make sure that once you can’t drive anymore that you can, you know that they’re accessible as well.

P: Yeah.

M: All of that is really important. And as our baby boomers start hitting retirement age or they’ve already started, I think we’re going to see huge changes in how our older generations get around and how they live.

P: And how they interact as well.

M: So that will be good for our generation for the X’s and everyone after millennials.

P: Yeah.

M: I think we’re going to see some big, big changes in healthcare.

P: And it’s good that you have organisations such as city councils and land councils that are recognising this. And they are investing in these in making cities more liveable, so important.

M: Yep, absolutely.

P: Mmm.

M: More liveable and more able to connect.

P: Yep. Because social connection is what? [Whispers] …Primary.

M: It kills people.

P: Laugh! Way to bring it down, Marie.

M: Wait. Without social interaction –

P: Okay.

M: – you die.

P: Laugh! And on that note!

M: That’s one for another episode. Thank you for joining us and have a happy week.

P: Chow.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

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