The Importance of Authenticity (E23)

Happiness for Cynics Podcast

Authenticity is about being able to stand loud and proud and say “this is who I am” and not conform to the majority’s ideals. But authenticity has tended to be a struggle for marginalized peoples throughout history.

Today’s topic is timely and topical in light of next week’s World Pride celebrations because around the world so many LGBTIQ+ people still do not feel that they can be their authentic self. Listen to this week’s episode to find out why it’s important to be your authentic self and the steps you can take to be more authentic in your life.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker focused on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness, a man doing what I can, shaking my shablam, …

Okay, that should be on Sesame Street.

M: I don’t know what you said in that bit there.

P: OH! Rude. Each week we will bring to you the latest science and research in the field of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: Yes, you can find us at marieskelton.com, which is a site about how to find balance, happiness and resilience in your life.

P: I think you should introduce today’s episode. I’ve always done it.

M: Today’s episode is about authenticity.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: We’re unofficially brought to you by Hendrix today.

P: Cheers, [laugh]. I feel like Jane Fonda.

M: Sweet Martinis.

Okay, so Pete, next week is Global Pride.

P: Yay!

M: Woohoo! So, for those of you may that not be familiar with global pride. It provides an opportunity for the LGBTQI++ community around the world, come together on June 27th and celebrate diversity and equality. If you hear clinks through the episode, we maybe should not have poured Martinis before we started.

[Laughter]

P: It’s World Pride who cares? [Laugh] Everything is fabulous.

M: It is, it is Fabulous. So the tagline this year is Exist, Persist, Resist. And I think today’s topic is really timely and topical in light of Pride next week. So we’re talking about authenticity and authenticity has tended to be a struggle for a lot of marginalised societies and the LGBTQI++ group as a whole. Is still going through many rights fights and even though we’ve had some great wins, we last year got marriage equality in Australia.

P: Yes, Australia.

M: Finally

P: Yes, well done. It seems like such a long time ago now doesn’t it.

M: Yep, definitely.

P: Such a celebrated day.

M: So much has happened. They promptly got the right to marry and then were told they couldn’t marry because of COVID.

[Laughter]

P: You can get married; you just can’t have a ceremony.

M: [Laugh] So authenticity has been a struggle for a lot of marginalised peoples throughout history. And it’s about being able to stand loud and proud and say ‘this is who I am’ and not conform to the majority’s ideals. And I guess the way that that has translated throughout history is for aboriginal peoples in our country we’d ask them to be more white; And for women we’ve asked them to be more like men, particularly in the workplace.

P: I like this take on it Marie. That idea.

M: And being in a corporate, very male dominated industry for a lot of my career. I’ve definitely heard things not necessarily targeted at me, but towards women such as “you’re too emotional or your waffle.” Who would say that to a man, right?

P: Oh, I get that all the time.

[Laughter]

M: And the LGBTQI++ community, you would get a lot of the people in that same corporate environment being told to tone down behaviour and how they dress what they wear. Different cultures also get told the same thing. So being authentic is about bucking the trend in a way. But you’ve got to feel safe to do that as well.

P: You do, yeah. Being authentic requires a lot of work. I’m actually going to go back to our first episode where we said that happiness is not a destination. It’s a result of doing the things that we do. I feel that authenticity is the same. Authenticity is not a destination. You’ve still got to do the constant work. It’s not that you go “Oh I’m authentic now, yay happy me.” It’s actually something you have to revisit and realign because it comes down to values and beliefs.

M: And it comes into understanding your values and beliefs. It’s so easy to get caught up in what the majority thinks is right and just go along with it. And then there is a disconnect that happens at a subconscious level that can leave you feeling depressed, sad, not connected with those around you and not really understanding why.

P: Exactly, it’s making those conscious decisions as opposed to going along with the trend as you say.

M: The other group, I think, right now that is struggling with authenticity are millennials and the reason, the reason is that there’s so much more pressure on our younger generations now because they’re living every second of their lives on social media for everyone to see and what they’re, they’re being watched by others and they’re watching others and comparing themselves to others. And the images that we present on our social media profiles are just representations of who we think we should be.

P: Or the representations of our best parts. We’re putting out in the public sphere the best bits, only the best bits.

M: But again, the best bits because of who we think we should be.

P: Yep, OK.

M: Who we think others –

P: – want us to be.

M: Yes, yes. So there’s this whole new aspect that we’re still grappling with, how to manage and millennials have grown up in that. So the pressure to conform is even bigger, I think for these newer generations and for I’d say gen x and y as well, although they haven’t grown up with this to fit in. And I guess the question is; How do we take off the mask that we’re wearing and learn to live a life of authenticity?

P: Yes. I want to throw something at you there Marie, because there is a certain aspect of the millennial existence where some people might say “no, no they’ve got so much more freedom. They’ve got so much more capability to actually buck the trend and be who they are.” And we’re seeing that with a lot of the fluidity between identities and things like that.

M: I guess where I’m maybe not agreeing with you is that I still think the pressure to conform during your teen years is a far more powerful motivator for the majority than the ability to be an individual.

P: That comes down to approval, doesn’t it?

M: I definitely think so. And I think that comes all the way back to our evolution and genes, which is that those who are ostracised from the group generally don’t live very long, and there is a biological need to be part of the group and be accepted, and we’ve looked at making friends and being social in the past, and there’s so much research that shows that so while we may have an ability to, be different and to express that and our limits for what difference will accept today are a lot broader than they used to be 30 years ago.

P: Yes, Definitely. That’s my point.

M: We can be a lot more fringe than we ever used to be able to be, but it still takes a very strong person in their teens to stand up on those edges and proudly say, “this is who I am” and it’s not the norm.

P: Yep, yep. I agree.

M: So for those people, give me a call I want to know what your secret is?

P: [Laughter]

M: All right, so what are we talking about when it comes to authenticity?

P: What does it mean to be authentic?

M: All right, well I have an answer to that. Do you have an answer?

P: You go. You go girl.

M: All right. It’s a concept in psychology. So this is a social sciences discussion that we’re having at the moment, and it’s also a philosophical discussion. So authenticity is discussed quite a bit in existentialist philosophy. So in existentialism, authenticity is the degree to which an individual’s actions are congruent with their beliefs and desires despite external pressures.

P: Yes.

M: So that’s the ‘what is normal?’ What is the majority doing piece. And it’s how much do your actions match –

P: – your beliefs and desires? They are the really important words there; beliefs and desires, values and beliefs. This is the crux of being authentic.

M: Absolutely. So an individual who is considered authentic is someone who’s striving to always act in the way that they believe. And I do want to say that just because we fail that that doesn’t mean you’re inauthentic.

P: No, no.

M: So it is the word strive implies that you’ve always got to be trying as I mentioned before.

P: Doing the work.

M: And this is something that has become really popular lately, being authentic, thanks to Brené Brown and we talk about Authentic Leadership. And really, what we’re saying in big corporations when we’re looking for authentic leadership is a bit of vulnerability is what people are looking for. So having a view into your beliefs, values, your imperfections and you as a person could help me bond with you a little bit more as well. So not just always having that perfect facade up that we see in social media.

P: And there’s a lot of points to come on that later on.

M: But it also means that the people who are not part of the majority can perhaps see some of themselves in you.

P: Definitely, which leads to bonding and community.

M: Diversity and inclusion. You said there were a range of things you wanted to jump on there.

P: [Laugh]

M: Give it to me!

P: We all have a bullshit detector. And this is authentic behaviour. If your bullshit detector is going off it means that you’re seeing someone being not authentic. So I just, I didn’t slap my thigh.

M: After slapping the table. I’m going to seriously put you in a straightjacket when we have these conversations and bring a straw for your Martini.

P: [Laughter] so being authentic, what do you have to do to be authentic?

M: I don’t think it’s about sharing all of yourself.

P: Definitely not, no.

M: But it’s about sharing enough of yourself that people feel that they can get to know you.

P: Yes. So getting to know you, you have to be clear within yourself. What you’re presenting, I guess, to the world; and that’s where the beliefs and values comes into it being able to do the work that involves you going down and clarifying what you believe in, clarifying what your values are. That’s the work side of it.

If you haven’t done that amount of self-reflection and done the delving into your deepest, darkest centre, which is tough work, it’s hard to sit there and go through exercises from psycho analysis and these self-help ideas. It’s not easy. It doesn’t just happen. You have to actually do the work. Then the next step is making decisions and changing your behaviours to reflect those values.

M: Hold on. I’d say there’s a step between that.  

P: Go for it.

M: Acceptance.

P: Yes

M: There is self-acceptance and self-love, and particularly if I can speak on behalf of the LGBTQI++ community. There is a lot of hateful rhetoric out there. That means that a lot of people, once they come to the realisation and they’ve done their self-awareness work, that they are who they are –

P: – in the face of public pressure.

M: Despite what their parents might think, what the church might think, … why the society might think they are who they are. Then there is definitely a piece of self-acceptance and love that needs to heal.

P: Yeah.

M: A little bit there as well. And then it’s about aligning your behaviour’s.

P: Yep, very much agree. I’ll hook in here with a quote. “It’s about unhooking from the past, doing the work to silence the self-talk or the voices of others. What is your truth?”

M: The voices of others? That’s that piece. These are steps that are tightly interlinked. Definitely, it’s really hard to do that though if you feel alone.

P: Completely, yeah. It’s difficult.

M: Yeah, and I think in particular there’s a lot of people in the LGTBQI++ community who struggle with depression. So coming back to Pride next week and being authentic. There are much higher numbers for a lot of marginalised groups. Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander groups have higher levels of depression as well. And there’s a range of groups throughout society who have dealt with the mental health implications of not feeling part of society.

P: And that comes back to what we were talking about in earlier podcasts about that willingness to bond, that sense of community and –

M: – belonging

P: Yep, finding your tribe.

M: Find your tribe, definitely. Now I do just want to be really careful here and say that this podcast is global because we’re on the World Wide Web and in some communities it may not be safe to be who you are.

P: Mmn, yeah. That’s an interesting one.

M: I’m just going to park that there and say we’re not advocating for you to be authentic and come out and be who you are if it may endanger your life for your safety.

P: Very True.

M: So we’re in a pretty lucky society here, but we still do see a lot of homophobia and hatred in general.

P: And there are repercussions for that if you choose to be that self, that authentic person you’re putting yourself very much in harm’s way.

M: Yeah, definitely, and that is a horrible and heartbreaking reality that a lot of people are living with.

P: And it’s the reminder. I think a lot of people say, “You know we’ve had this argument for so many years. Isn’t it done yet?” No, it’s not done yet. You know, we’ll never be done. And that comes down to a lot of the other genres that you’ve mentioned the race genre, the female genre.

M: We’re seeing that play out in the States right now. And being Australian, we’ve definitely got the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander element, and we are still grappling with how we’ve treated that population in the past, but it is 3% of our population and it is widely unreported and under reported in general. And when I lived in America, I got over there and I remember saying to a friend, I just don’t understand why this is still an issue. It was so long ago. Why are we still talking about race and why isn’t everyone –

P: – on board?

M: Yeah, I don’t, I don’t get it and she said. My grandma was stoned in the streets. Sorry, her Mum, her Mum in the seventies. That’s 10 years before I was born, not even [that] depending on when in the seventies. So it was fresh for her and her mother had raised her never to walk the streets alone. I’ve never had to deal with that, right. So it is very fresh in American society. And I think we’re seeing that play out right now. Yeah, unfortunately.

Alright, so, I guess. Let’s finish with how to be authentic.

P: Ooh, the skills of authenticity. There’s so many.

M: So if it is safe to be authentic in your community and you feel that there is a disconnect and it is impacting your mental health. You’re not living out and proud or being your true self. What are the next steps Pete?

P: There’s many actually did a list and it went 20 long, so it’s really difficult. I had to go back and go ‘ok what are the important ones’, the important ones are the values and beliefs.

1. Identify your values, identify your beliefs and act on them.

So when you’re faced with a decision, don’t go for the shiny. It’s like buying a car. Don’t get for the shiny new one that’s got the pretty seats. It’s like; let’s go back to the question. What are my values and beliefs? What’s going to be best for me in this decision? Make those decisions according to what is true for you. So identifying your values and beliefs [is] really, really important. A good phrase for that is [your] contentment over [others] approval. As we’re talking about, don’t do what society expects of you, do what is right for you and your inner contentment and inner peace.

2. Sincerity.

Being sincere. This is another quality that can come into decisions. If you’re being sincere with yourself and with others, that’s bringing your values to light. And it’s not giving false compliments “Oh Marie, you look fabulous in that dress.” … I’m sorry Green is not your colour. I do it with my sister all the time. She’s like “should I take this photo shoot for my new book?” I’m like no you look middle aged and frumpy.

M: Oh! Pete.

P: Lift your chin in a photo girl,

M: Pete!

P: because I love her. It’s my sincerity. It’s my thing. It’s like “no you can take a better photo.” Let’s be sincere about that. You asked for my opinion.

M: And I’m going to tie that into vulnerability. Sincere and vulnerable are really interlinked. And for anyone who is new to all of this and wants a really quick short sharp education in this area, go look up Brené Brown’s Ted talks, really good intro to all of this and go buy her book. She is just fabulous.

P: So there are other quick, quick ones. I’ll run through and these are more skills for looking at what you can do in the moment.

3. Accepting your reality

Don’t wish that it wasn’t what it is. It is what it is, and you’ve got to accept some of that. So come back to your values and beliefs and go what can I do to change this?

4. Owning your side of the street

I like this one. You feel the way you do because of your reactions, not because of someone else’s actions. So if I’m feeling hurt by something that you’ve done, there’s a bit of responsibility in there for me. It’s not just about the actions that someone else has done to me. It’s like, how have I contributed to that emotion?

M: Or what is my world view that’s making me react with anger or pain or jump down someone’s throat?

P: Definitely.

M: When they may not have even meant it that way.

P: Exactly.

5. Respect your body

Making sure that you respect who you are and what you have. Clink for that?

[Glasses clink, laughter]

M: Respect your body. Alcohol’s a poison, did you know that?

P: But it’s so fabulous. It makes me chirpy.

M: It does and that’s respecting my mind. There is mind and body.

P: And it’s respecting your happiness. I’m a happy drinker so, as long as it doesn’t take me to the other side. Oh, I’ll start with this last one. Last one,

6. Emotions are temporary

M: Oh! That’s so hard in the moment though.

P: It’s so hard. But if you can.. these are little skills, these are little phrases that you can use if you’re feeling vulnerable, upset, angry, even know that emotions a temporary and that they will pass on that you should never take decisions when you’re in heightened states of emotion, try and let the emotions drop down a little bit before you respond before you take action.

M: Particularly if that anger or emotion might lead to violence.

P: Definitely. Yeah, it’s always best to sit on it, sleep on it, think about it the next day.

M: And if you’re in the workplace, go find a trusted person, particularly if they’re outside of the workplace, drink, have a vent, whatever works for you and then with a fresh head the next day.

D: And venting is good, someone apologised to me this morning because they had to vent. Dude, no vent away, a problem shared is a problem halved. I’m so wise when I have a Martini. Look at me go!

[Laughter]

M: On that note we’re going to finish up today.

P: Just let me give one more piece of wisdom?

M: I am definitely a proud LGBTQI++ ally.

P: You so are.

M: And I want to wish everyone happy Pride this month. There’s a lot of pride activities happening virtually, and I hope that things continue to move in the positive direction that they have been.

P: Definitely, yeah.

M: I think the gay rights movement has definitely taken leaps and bounds.

P: And everyone can benefit from that. Be your own fabulous self.

M: Be fabulous!

P: Yes, be fabulous! You are fabulous, all of you!

M: Until next time.

P: Stay happy people.

[Exit Happy Music]

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