Bringing Altruism Into Your Life (E32)

Happiness for Cynics

This week, Marie and Pete discuss altruism – being kind and giving to others. They also join the global kindness movement by trying to complete the tasks on the Altruistic August 2020 calendar by Action For Happiness.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on resilience and change.

P: And I am Peter Furness, a curator of kindness, a calibrator of creativity and conversational cacophonist. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if alcohol is no longer numbing your pain.

P: Or you want to laugh, love and live like a voracious beast.

M: Or you just want to know what all the fuss is about.

P: Then this is the place to be.

M: Because this week we are talking about altruism.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: So, Pete, this week we’re talking about altruism.

P: I had to look that up in the dictionary. [Laugh]

M: Oh really? Oh, yeah I feel good because you are always spitting out like names of body parts that I just…

P: [Laugh] No, well I did know what altruism meant. But I do remember coming across the term about six months ago and going ‘Oh, I wonder what that is? And then I realised I’ve been doing it all my life.

[Laughter]

M: So the reason that this came up was that there is, and there’s a great website actually called Action for Happiness. And if you look it up, it’s www.actionforhappiness.org and they’ve got great resources all in positive psychology, and what we’ve talked about. There’s acts of kindness as well and a bunch of sites out there that do some great work in the positive psychology space.

P: Yep

M: And I came across this action calendar for August, called Altruistic August 2020.

P: Has a nice ring to it.

M: It sure does. And so, of course, I thought, great, this is a good challenge. We’re going into second base of lock downs in Australia. 2020 can go…

P: [Boing] (possible rude gesture)

M: Mmhhm.

P: Delete, delete, delete.

M: I need something to focus on and need something to direct my energy away from just how crappy it is to be going back into another lock down, particularly for our friends in Melbourne and western Sydney. And just like that, that cleaver is about to drop. You can feel it’s just hanging.

P: And people are rushing to try and make sure they make the most of everything right now because it’s almost as if the apocalypse is upon us.

M: Which is the worst thing you can do, like four pubs in one weekend?

P: Yeah.

M: Anyway that’s a whole other thing.

P: [Laugh]

M: So I think that this was kind of a way for me to just grab hold of my emotions and my energy a little bit, that doesn’t mean to say-

P: You’re focusing on your energy? Marie how positively alternative of you.

M: I’m not talking airy fairy energy.

P: [Laugh]

M: I don’t want to spend time worrying. I want to spend time proactively doing things that will come back to me in a good way.

P: Investing?

M: Yeah investing. Investing time, not energy.

P: ‘I just need to get my rose quartz crystal.’

M: Time not energy in the like ‘I can see your aura.’

P: Hey, aura reading is real.

M: Mmhmm… So I sent you this calendar and went let’s do this.

P: Yep [Laugh]

M: So that was a week ago, so Pete.

P: Which oddly enough I had the instant reaction ‘oh crap!’ [Laugh]

M: So Pete, tell me how have you done for last week?

P: Yeah. Wonderful. Wonderful. Yeah, really good.  [Laugh] I’m involved in altruistic behaviour all day. The first thing I say to everybody when they walk in the door is ‘how are you? What can we do for you today?

M: Not cutting it.

P: Oh shit.

M: This is about going above and beyond right?

P: You mean I’ve got to do more?

M: Here’s the thing, it kind of feels like more because we live in such a demanding world. Until Covid, things kind of calmed a little bit in Covid and I think we started to look at whether the demanding world we live in was really all that.

P: It definitely caused us to reassess.

M: Yeah.

P: If it was worth the, if it was worth all that hassle.

M: Yeah. So there’s definitely a recalibration happening.

P: Yep, I agree.

M: I think, around the world. But for us in Sydney, I think that this was a, I think, that we could do and could add in if we committed to it.

P: It’s a proactive action steps, so it’s something that you can follow along, you can make it like a challenge to see what comes of it. To see what comes out of being altruistic and committing to doing 30 days of altruism. It’s actually, it is a bit of a challenge is a lot harder than you think.

M: Mmhhmm.

P: To be cognitive? No, that’s the wrong word.

M: Consciously?

P: Consciously investing in altruism is very interesting, and I do have an example.

M: So I have done the last seven days.

P: Mmm, okay.

M: And it has surprised me how little of an imposition it’s been on my life. And it’s felt good.

P: Fundamentally.

M: It felt good.

P: It costs you nothing to be a little…

M: It cost me nothing and really hasn’t really taken much time, either. Let’s let’s go through some of the week one.

P: Yes.

M:

[Day 1:] Choose to be kind to others and yourself all the month.

So day one is just about committing. Day one they’re really not even saying do anything except say ‘Ok, fine. I’m going to do it.’

P: Decide that you’re going to commit.

Alright Tick.

M: Tick.

I came in on day two and went ‘oh I’ve already done it!’

P: [Laugh]

M: Number 2

[Day 2:] Send a positive message to someone you can’t be with.

P: I did that, I did that one.

M: You see that’s really easy actually, with social media, it was just a really good slide into altruism here.

P: It was a forward to someone in Turkey who’s stranded in Turkey and can’t come back.

M: Aww. We miss you.

P: We miss you, come back.

M: I’m sure he’s not listening.

P: [Laugh]

M: Beautiful photographer. [Laugh] Anyway, yes, OK, lovely. Number three, Monday, the third of August.

[Day 3:] Treat everyone you interact with as though they are a friend.

P: Mmm.. that’s a challenging one.

M: This was really easy –

P: Oh really?

M: Because I didn’t leave the house.

P: [Derisive noise] so who are you going to talk to, you’re cat?

M: Tick

P: [Laugh] It’s a good one to try, though, because when you’re going, I see it all the time. And this is, this is a little bit of a personal soapbox moment. Service people, when we interact with service people. We get into the habit of not engaging with people who are the checkout chick or I want to say barista but that’s just so…

M: Unless you’ve been there, I think.

P: The only reason, is that I have a 12 year relationship so it’s very close. They’ve seen me naked? Everybody has seen me naked, don’t think you’re anything special. But it is this thing of the chick behind the counter at woolies and you forget that, that person is there, especially now, with all the scanning and walking through K-Mart when I picked up some cards this week. It was like I had to look at the person who was indicating the next teller for me to go to. And I had to go ‘thank you.’ And that’s all it is. [Click]

M: It’s so funny. Nice click. It’s so funny though, when you’re on the flip side and a person does that to you and it takes you by surprise because you get you end up being like ‘Hi, How are you’, like in that in that sing song, it’s fake, but it’s not fake. Like you’re in, you’re in retail mode, right? You know that your job is to be happy and pleasant to people and respectful.

P: A service role.

M: Yeah, it is. And that is what it is. And sometimes your feeling it and sometimes you’re faking it, and that’s fine. But then someone looks you in the eye and says, How are you doing?

P: Yeah

M: And they take the time and you’re like, and what would you like? Oh, oh, yeah I’m  Okay, Thanks. Let me think about this. So really, I think that can really just make someone’s day feel less like a robotic.

P: Definitely.

M: And making them stop and go ‘not everyone thinks that I’m just someone to serve them’.

P: Yep, definitely.

M: And I think unless you’ve worked in retail or

P: Even if you’ve worked in retail. I think it’s a good, gentle reminder we all get in that mode where I don’t want to interact with people, I’m having a hard day, I’m just going to focus and push on through. And I think maybe we forget that that has an impact on people around us.

M: And let’s really be clear here. These are the people who have been deemed essential workers –

P: Yes.

M: – during this time. We’ve really got to look long and hard as a society at these essential workers who are all minimum wage a lot of the time and who put their life on the line in order to keep things running around here.

P: It’s not necessarily just the medical people. It’s the person that brings the groceries from the farmers. You know, those sorts of jobs which have been so looked over.

M: Essential, essential. The delivery drivers.

P: And are now being dubbed as essential.

M: Anyway. Again, we digress.

P: [Laugh]

M: So, I actually, I have ordered a bunch of stuff online to set up our new place. I bought one of those robot vacuums by the way, we’ll talk about that another time.

P: Is the cat sitting on it?

M: Not yet, but I think I want a placer on it, so I could get some good You tube videos. Anyway. So the way that all the orders, so I ordered five things and they’ve all been delivered separately. So I am actually getting to know my posty.

P: Oh, OK.

M: And she’s lovely, yes. So, I will take a tick for that. Even though I didn’t do it that day.

P: Oh, all right.

M: So the next day was:

[Day 4:] Spend time wishing for other people to be free from suffering.

P: That’s a big one.

M: And I did actually take, only five minutes, but I took some time, you know, this week our colleagues in Melbourne went into lock down, and I’ve definitely seen that it’s hit a lot of them hard. It’s hit a lot of them hard and I’ve got colleagues who are single parents who were trying to work, and now they’ve got to teach their kids at the same time. It’s just not doable. You can’t work and teach.

P: Yep.

M: So and what are their options? What are their options? No one has an answer to that.

P: No.

M: So there’s a lot of people that are feeling that lock down, I think. So all my thoughts and well wishes we’re going out to these people.

P: Let’s pause on that one a little bit Muz. What was the result of that, your thoughts? What did that bring about? Did that bring about anything later in the day?

M: So the action that I was giving was to spend time wishing for other people to be free from suffering. And I chose to direct my thoughts to those Melbourne people and I actually took action through the latter half of the week on some of that and reached out to them and just checked in.

P: There we go, I think that’s the leverage. It creates an actionable step because it’s in your conscience. You’re putting something in your, in your focus. The camera focuses on something and you bring about in action because physically put it there in your conscious mind.

M: Yep, and so, yeah, I did reach out to a couple of people in particular who I had a gut feeling were trying their best to hold everything together but feeling the stress and the pressure. Yeah, definitely. All right. So,

Day 5:  Smile and be friendly, even when physical distancing.

P: Oh, I had a great one of that this week. I was walking, I was getting on my bike to go home, and I park out the front of my work, and I have to ride along like one pathway to get onto the bike lane to go home. And I’m a considerate cyclist, you know, I’m not going to bash through a whole group of people. And I was very slowly, I was on my bike and I have my light on and this gentleman was in front of me and he tuned when he saw my light and he said “oh, sorry.” And I said, “No, no, no, you’re fine.” And as I rode past he said “You have yourself a good evening.” And as I passed I said “I will!” [Laugh]

M: I love it. I love it. I really do. I feel like we don’t have enough of those little interactions.

P: I think they’re coming back.

M: I do.

P: I do think that… our reliance on technology and our big city living, especially in the big cities. It’s like head down, charge on through. Don’t register just get home. We’ve lost a little bit of that now because we have had a relative experience that is a crisis for want of a better word on that brings people together. The same thing happened after World War II.

M: People are re-awakening.

P: It is because, it’s that whole relevance of, it’s not that important if I get home in five minutes as opposed to ten minutes if it’s going to cost someone else some time or some happiness.

M: So many people are writing about this now. If you read the opinion and letters to the editor and columns, right now, all the big media. So many people are on this recalibration, re-imagining what life should be, we’re questioning.

P: I’m fully in support of it its human interaction we’re, we’re valuing human interaction again. And that’s possibly because we’ve had many months without it.

M: We’re valuing all the positive psychology teachings, everything we discuss on this podcast people and now rediscovering, cooking with your family.

P: Mmm eating with your family, perhaps sharing a meal.

M: Yep, yep. Doing puzzles, playing card games.

I was read- I was watch – reading, watching.

P: [Laugh]

M: Listening, listening to Michelle Obama’s podcast this week.

P: Ah, yes.

M: And she starts with Barack Obama. So Barack has taught the girls Spades. They never would have stopped to do that pre Covid.

P: Right.

M: But they’re loving it and they’re mastering the game. And so they’re having some great bonding moments. I think a lot of parents are experiencing that, but also there’s people out there without children who are rediscovering gardening.

P: Yes.

M: Rooftop gardening, for instance Pete.

P: Love it, yeah, it’s going well. The good old Marjoram is going off, the Chervil didn’t survive. But that was the only one out of 12. The Chervil was the only one that didn’t survive.

M: There you go. So rediscovering cooking, gardening and just the things that help you slow down.

P: And that’s key.

M: Enjoy the moment.

P: And being mindful that brings all that stuff that we talked.

M: All that stuff, spending more time with family. My husband, Francis, and I played a board game the other day for the first time in ages. So I think we’ve again digressed.

P: [Laugh]

M: This is what happens when you give me a Martini.

P: I didn’t give you a Martini.

M: [Laugh]

P: I’m not an enabler.

M: Okay. Smile and be friendly. Friday.

[Day 6]: Thank someone you’re grateful to and tell them why.

P: Ooh.

M: I did this one today it was nice, it was a nice moment.

P: I actually got one yesterday. Someone who I haven’t seen in a long time sent me a written letter through the Post.

M: Oh, I love stationary and actual written.

P: It was incredible. So I haven’t gotten a letter for so long and it arrived and I read it and I was so chuffed that I went and wrote them a reply. Haven’t posted it yet, but she’ll get it in next week.

M: The problem is that you’ve actually got to go to the post office and pick up the stamp.

P: Which is great.

M: Stamps! Who buys stamps.

P: I know, it’s great. I love it.

M: I’ve got so much stationery. I never use it. I really do need to in the altruistic August, actually write a letter. Proper note to someone.

P: Yeah. So altruism in and of itself, let’s get a little bit more definition in here.

M: Sure, so that was Week one [6 days]. We’ve got three minutes left with this podcast We’ve not, so I fully encourage, I wanna push this one through so that we get it out in all this. But I fully encourage everyone to pick up this calendar. So again, it’s at actionforhappiness.org and to set yourself a challenge for 31 days and it comes back to you. But let us know, Pete now, about the science.

P: Well, it’s not necessarily the science but the definition and altruism is about doing things for others and it does have the effect of enabling you and making you feel positive. It’s a benefit to the individual at a cost to oneself. It’s going beyond just thinking about something. It’s actually taking action.

M: Yep.

P: It can be, as you said, donating blood and things like that.

M: I’m determined. So heard on the radio, they need blood going this weekend.

P: So those sorts of actions can come out of it. Recent work suggests that humans behave altruistically because it is emotionally rewarding.

M: Yes. So, if you’re feeling low right now, if you’re going back into a funk because it sucks, Covid sucks right now and we’re about to go back into this second lock down in Sydney. They’re already there in Melbourne. And just so you know, you book online, you can get a pass to leave your house in Melbourne to go give blood.

P: Oh wow, wow.

M: So if you’re stir crazy in your house right now. You can safely get in your car, go donate blood and come home and that is allowed and you won’t be fined if your stopped.

P: Wow, that’s pretty amazing.

M: So you can’t leave to do exercise, you can’t leave to do anything else,

P: But to do something altruistic.

M: Yeah, but you’re saving someone’s life.

P: I am going to talk a little bit very briefly in the last few minutes about pathological altruism.

M: Ooh.

P: So you can go too far with altruism and there’s a lot of examples about this.

M: Tell me more, tell me more. I am so not in danger of this by the way.

P: [Laugh]

M: Talking about giving blood like I’m some kind of Saint, I’m so not, so, so not. This is a good exercise for me to be doing but tell me, people go too far?

P: It is something to be concerned about because you can think that your doing something for the benefit of others when actually you’re not, you’re causing harm. We’ve got several examples of this over history. We’ve got like, the Crusades for example, the people who went on the Crusades. They were determined that we’re bringing the word of God to another culture when really they’re just created war and famine for 400 years.

M: Yep

P: That’s a classic example.

M: Oh! Can I tell you one from my time studying anthropology?

P: Yep.

M: Oh, I love this story. I tell it to anyone who’ll listen, but it stuck with me since studying Anthropology at University. So Western companies went into Africa to try and help them, particularly through the eighties. There was famine and AIDS hit not long after that as well. So there was so much going on and they needed help. And we as the “western saviors” all went into, by the way if you can’t tell that I’m being sarcastic, I’m so being sarcastic, we “western saviors” thought it was our job to go in and save the African nations. And there’s a great story that we learned about, about these, I believe it was a Christian charity, but this is nothing to the religion. So they went in and they were trying to help this small town to understand contraception.

P: Yes.

M: And so they showed all the women they brought all the women into this town hall sort of place, and they were showing them condoms and how to put condoms on. So the way that they showed these women how to apply a condom was to roll them onto broomsticks. So they showed all these women how to use condoms and then moved on to the next town and the next town in the next town and a few years later they came back and unfortunately, childbirth rates had remained the same, which is relatively high. You know, 7/8 kids per couple. And they said what happened? We told you. We sent you free condoms and nothing’s changed. And they said, ‘you guys with your crazy western shaman medicine, I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but rolling condoms on broomsticks has not stopped a single child from being born over the last four years. We rolled those condoms on every night, and we’re still having Children.

P: [Raucous laughter] Very true, yeah.

M: With the best intentions but maybe not the outcome.

P: Yes, exactly and that’s a nice of it.

M: Anyway again we digress.

P: It’s a good digression, it’s a good digression.

M: I will say from a research point of view that giving to others activates an area of the brain linked with contentment and the rewards cycle.

P: Oh, definitely.

M: So performing selfless acts makes you happier.

P: Easy.

M: Yep, that that’s kind of it. We’re gonna wrap up there.

P: I think that that’s a good point to wrapitup.

M: To wrap it up? Alright. I think we will.

Okay. So thank you for joining us again today. If you like our podcast, please help us out by giving us a rating on any of the major platforms. Pete’s laughing at me.

P: I’m not laughing at you.

M: But it does help.

P: It’s on iTunes, it’s on iTunes, I gotta tell them about iTunes.

M: [Laugh] And thankyou for joining us today.

P: Stay happy people.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Moving On article Practicing Gratitude: Why and How You Should do it , listen to our Podcast: Positive Affirmations (E29)