Unapologetically Marie

Writer, podcaster, mental health advocate

Happiness Blog

The Power of WOOP-ing (E83)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about the powerful new strategy for wish fulfilment, devised by a German-American Psychologist, called WOOP. 

Show notes

WOOP – Dr Gabriele Oettingen

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

P: Howdy. Howdy. Howdy.

M: Hi, hi!

P: Hi.

M: I’ve never said “hi, hi!” in my life. Why is that becoming my thing.

P & M: Laugh.

M: [Singing] Hi ho, hi ho,

P: Laughter! We’ve gone Disney, laugh.

M: [Singing] it’s off to work we go.

P: Laugh.

M: Today we’re talking about the power of WOOP-ing

P: Whoop, whoop! What is WOOP-ing?

M: Whoop, whoop! Laugh.

P: I don’t know anything about this one. So, this is all Marie, laugh.

M: All right, so today we’re talking about German American psychologist Gabrielee Oettingen’s strategy for wish or goal fulfilment. And it’s called WOOP. And the reason we’re talking about wish or goal fulfilment is that we understand that you’ve joined our show to talk about happiness.

P: Laugh.

M: And so, you have a want or a need to be happy or happier and that maybe there’s some change that needs to happen. And in order for you to make those changes in your life to perhaps find time to bring meditation into your weekly habits or to do more exercise or to start a journaling practise.

P: Ok.

M: Or gratitude practise, all of the many things to actually change is hard. It really is hard.

P: Laugh.

M: And as we’ve mentioned before, I nearly died. And that is the only reason I have flipped from being such a cynic for this stuff to buying in wholeheartedly. Right?

P: Mmm.

M: And you shouldn’t have to die –

P: Except for meditating, laugh.

M: Except for meditation, yeah.

P: Laugh.

M: It’s a step too far.

P: Laugh.

M: Shh. However, you shouldn’t have to die or have to have a huge –

P: Life changing moment, yeah.

M: – traumatic experience in order to make change. So, this is us coming in and trying to give you the tools to help you make change, to be happier in your life.

P: So this is the, getting down and working people.

M: Doing the hard yards.

P: Yeah, he he he. Is this where we launch into: Hi ho, Hi ho! It’s off to work, we go!

M: [Singing] Hi ho, Hi ho, it’s off to work, we go!

P: Laugh! You can’t see, but Marie is doing some very deep shoulder action. Laughter!

M: Got my pickaxe over my shoulder.

P: Laugh!

M: So, WOOP. W-O-O-P.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: Is yet another acronym that we’re throwing your way.

P: Laugh.

M: It is a motivational strategy, so it uses visualisation. Don’t hang up on us now.

P: Laugh.

M: Stick with us.

P: We just lost all the cynics, “visualisation? I’m out of here, bye!” Laugh!

M: Here’s the thing for all you cynics. Don’t knock it till you try it, is what I’m going to say.

P: Ooh! Laugh.

M: So many years I knocked it, but I didn’t really try it.

P: So many times, laugh!

M: Mmm hmm. So, WOOP is a motivational strategy.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: Which uses visualisation techniques to help people develop good habits and break out of harmful ones.

P: Breaking habits is hard for anyone. And who doesn’t make a New Year’s resolution and go yes, this year I’m going to do this. And what a lot of people miss is they miss the step of breaking the bad habit and investing in a new habit. That’s hard, Yaka.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: It’s not easy. And so, this is a straight lift of a technique that you can apply to try and make that new habit.

M: Yeah, and to make it stick. And we’ve talked about neural pathways before. When you’re creating new habits, you’re also concurrently breaking other habits, whether they’re not necessarily bad habits.

P: Yep.

M: But you’re replacing one way of doing things with another way of doing things, and it takes time to build that neural pathway. So this is a great technique that you can use to help build that. And, for instance, when I started doing gratitude as a daily practise, I would forget all the time.

P & M: Laugh!

M: It just wasn’t something that was part of my routine. And now it is.

P: Mmm.

M: And now to the point that my husband goes, “You haven’t done the gratitude yet.” Laugh.

P: Oh, wow! Even Francis is buying.

M: I know! He is, laugh.

P: Wow! Nice.

M: Laugh. Okay, so this WOOP or WOOP-ing technique or motivational strategy is developed by someone that we just need to dedicate just a minute to because Pete and I both found this kind of cool.

P: Laugh!

M: So, she is a German American psychologist, and her name is Gabriele Oettingen.  She’s a professor of psychology at New York University and the University of Hamburg, And…

P: She’s a princess!

M: A German Princess! How cool is that?

P: A German Princess, I said before, I want to play that part of when I walk into my next high society class/ social function.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: [Upper-class refined voice] “I’m a professor of psychology, and I’m a Princess.”

M: Mmm hmm. A German Princess, thank you very much.

P: Laugh!

M: So I’m going to dust off my high school German.

P: Ooh.

M: And try and read you her full name. So, it is Princess Gabriele zu Oettingen-Oettingen and Oettingen-Spielberg.

P: Why do they have so many names?

M: I think, many cultures unlike ours, keep a hold of the previous generations last name and hyphenate. It looks like that’s probably what they’ve done here.

P: Well, she’s… The lineage goes back to 1141, that’s huge.

M: One of the oldest existing families in Bavaria.

P: Yeah, that’s amazing.

M: So, Gabriele’s father was the ninth Prince of Oettingen-Oettingen and Oettingen-Spielberg.

P: Sorry, I’m laughing [Muppet voice] ‘Oettingen-Oettingen hygge.’

M: Hygge, laugh. Different countries, by the way. So, we’ve spent our one minute on the lovely Princess and Dr Gabriele zu Oettingen-Oettingen and Oettingen-Spielberg.

P: Laugh.

M: And now let’s get into WOOP. So, so this is, and this sounds really kind of cool and a bit sexual.

P: Laugh!

M: It is a fantasy realisation theory.

P: Oh. Well you got me at fantasy.

M: What we mean by that is wish realisation theory.

P: Oh, yeah. Got it.

M: Now there’s nothing, there’s nothing sexual really about that.

P: No, not at all sexual. I’m all into dragons and you know –

M: – Oh! fantasy.

P: Yeah.

M: Laugh!

P: You know, taking a ring and wandering off to the New Zealand mountains with unicorns and all sorts of mythical creatures.

M: So, what… We’re going to go with Dr Gabriele, So they don’t have to say the whole name every single time.

P: Laugh.

M: What Dr Gabriele has found through her research is that mentally contrasting future and present realities, i.e. what could be with what is, changes cognition, emotion and behaviour.

P: Ooh.

M: So, the cognitive and motivational processes are what is responsible for making WOOP work. So, you go through the process. We talked about how it’s a visualisation technique.

P: Yep.

M: But you go through the steps and you visualise and you do what you need to do, and your brain actually changes along with you. So, this is the first part of putting those new neural pathways into practise.

P: Mmm, I like this. I like this idea.

M: So WOOP involves, in case you couldn’t guess, four steps! Because it’s a four letter acronym!

P: Laugh.

M: And WOOP is about finding a Wish…

P: That’s the W. [Singing] A dream is a wish, your heart makes…

M: Exactly. That was such a throw, Pete.

P: Sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I was like ‘Why did she stop talking?’

M: Laugh! I was like, come on, we’re talking about a wish here.

P & M: Laugh.

M: Okay, So WOOP is about finding Wish, envisioning the Outcome, finding the Obstacles and formulating a Plan. So:

  • Wish,
  • Outcome,
  • Obstacles,
  • Plan.

P: WOOP.

M: It’s a type of psychological strategy that is well known and known as MCII or Mental Contrasting with Implementation Intentions.

P: Wow, is that just a fancy way of saying projection?

M: Mmm…

P: I’m sure it’s more complicated…

M: Contrasting with a real delivery or implementation focus.

P: Mmm.

M: Well, what is? What could be? And how do I get there? How do I bridge the gap?

P: Mmm OK.

M: And it is very similar to what a lot of change management professionals do in a corporate setting.

P: It is? Ahh.

M: What is the current state today? What is the future state we want to get to? How do we get from A to B? Yeah. So, WOOP has a website.

woopmylife.org

P: Laugh, I like that.

M: Yep.

P: Whoop my life!

M: [Singing] Whoop, there it is.

P: Laugh.

M: I had to go there, laugh. And they currently have about 60,000 visits a month on their website and 77,000 WOOP app downloads and a book.

P: Wow!

M: So you can go spend a whole lot of time looking more deeply into all of this, But we’re going to cover at a high level how WOOP works now so that you can maybe start to put in practise off the back of this episode.

P: Laugh.

M: So, firstly, you need to set aside about 15 to 20 minutes by yourself in a quiet place. Next you need to have your goal.

  1. Your wish, your W in the Woop. So, it needs to be feasible.

M: So, you being a Princess, Pete, not feasible.

P: Oh, Come on! I can walk in heels, laugh.

M: Not feasible, laugh.

P: Oh, boo! Laugh!

M: You being a transvestite, feasible.

P & M: Laugh!

M: Pop those heels on and strut honey strut.

P: Laugh. As I do, laugh.

M: So, you might decide that you want to introduce meditation into your week three times a week.

P: Done!

M: That might be feasible, but it could also be challenging.

P: Yes.

M: Given that you’re working from home in Covid and you have young kids around you.

P: Sure.

M: That could be the challenge, finding time to get away and hide from the Children.

P: Yeah, for sure.

M: So, what you need to do is identify your wish and make sure it’s feasible but challenging and the next you need to, and this is where the visualisation comes in, so sit quietly.

  • You’re going to identify and vividly imagine the best Outcomes [wOop].

P: So, projecting that image of me doing meditation in a space in the place and actually seeing it?

M: And not only that, not only that, what that will give you.

P: Ok. Oh, the outcome, of course.

M: Why is meditation the thing that you picked? Why is exercise the thing you picked? Why is gratitude thing that you picked? So, what are you ultimately trying to get to? If it’s exercise, it might be decreasing stress and getting that six pack, right?

P: Laugh.

M: Let’s visualise what it is that you want as an end goal of not only doing the activity but the end result.

P: Ok, yeah.

M: The wish.

P: Got it.

M: Okay, so sit there and spend a good five minutes, it’s only five minutes of your entire life.

P: Laugh.

M: But spend the five minutes actually, visualising that, how will you feel. You know, if you can add any of your senses in there, what will it look like?

How will it smell? Taste? What are the tangible things that you’ll be able to experience if you achieve that wish and the outcomes?

P: Yep.

M: Next,

  • You’re going to search for the central Obstacles in you [woOp].

P: Ok.

M: I love that it’s Obstacles In You!

P: Mmm, that’s very telling.

M: That really helps you understand. And we just spent some time talking about control, spheres of control.

P: Yep.

M: What can you control and remove as barriers to your success?

P: Yeah, yep.

M: What is in the way, in you?

P: Mmm and not externalising it. It’s not about the kids running around. It’s like, why are you choosing not to give yourself time? Why are you choosing to dismiss this important aspect of your life? Very important self-reflection.

M: Absolutely. So, after identifying the central or the top few inner obstacles.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: You need to then go back to the imagination and visualisation. So, I want you to visually imagine it occurring. So, asking your husband after he’s been home for half an hour and has decompressed himself. If you can leave the house for 30 minutes.

P: Hmm.

M: And going to your local park and sitting on a bench and doing your meditation for 20 minutes in silence there.

P: Cool. Like it.

M: Or, you know, again we’re going with that example.

P: Laugh.

M: But whatever it is you need, visualise and vividly imagine all the steps that are needed to remove those barriers. Write down those specific actions, those things. So again, just reinforce those things that you need to do to get over the obstacles that you see might be in your way.

P: Ok.

M: And then

  • Finally, we’re going to form a Plan [wooP], and the form of this plan is, ‘if I do this obstacle, then I will get closer to the goal.’

M: So, it’s the action to overcome the obstacle. So if I talk to my husband tonight about needing a 30 minute time out in the evenings, after being home all day with the kids.

P: Yep.

M: And if I make sure that I can get to the park before you know eight PM at night, whatever it is that works within your schedule, then I’m going to be able to sit down for 20 minutes and meditate and feel happier and more relaxed and less stressed and able to enjoy the rest of my week with my kids and my family.

P: Mmm, yeah. It’s an interesting, slightly different approach in that it’s actually naming the obstacles.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And I think this is the big difference about this approach is spending some time looking at not only what you want and what you desire, but what’s in the way. What is going to stop you from achieving this? And Doctor Pulkit Sharma is a contemporary psychologist, and he says that this approach makes sense when we’re simply talking about positive thinking, that in itself cannot accomplish much at the base level of thoughts.

M: Mmm.

P: Whereas Dr Gabriele’s approach tells you to focus on the obstacles, it takes fantasy into action that turns into reality.

M: Absolutely.

P: Very proactive.

M: This is making it real and really breaking it down. So, you know what steps need to be taken.

P: Mmm.

M: And if you’re talking about a wish that is a real departure from your comfort zone or what you’ve done in the past and might be a challenge for other people around you. It might take some time to work through these challenges, but at least you’ve got them there and you understand your path to success.

P: It’s a very practical approach, isn’t it? It’s taking that, when you first started talking about you were talking about fantasy and visualisation… But when you actually look at the technique, this is looking at the hard yards ass of this. Excuse me for swearing, but it’s looking at the tangible things that we need to change. That’s incredibly practical.

M: Yep, absolutely.

P: So, this should suit all out cynics out there and get them on board because it is something they can really focus on.

M: And on the topic of practical, it’s so important, and Dr Gabriele talks about making sure that it’s within your realm of control. So again, being a size six by Christmas is just not going to happen for me.

P: Yep. Okay.

M: Just not going to happen. I’m over 40 now.

P: Laugh.

M: I’ve said it and I have other things going on in my life as well, and I like food, and that’s a challenge.

P: Yep.

M: That’s one of my many challenge.

P: Yeah, laugh.

M: And even if I was to exercise and eat well between now and Christmas, being a size six is highly unlikely without doing some real damage to myself quite frankly.

P: Yeah, and being dangerous.

M: Yeah, and so it’s really out of my control. And aiming for that only does more harm than good.

P: Mmm.

M: She’s really clear to say, don’t use WOOP for wishes that are outside your control.

P: Ok.

M: Or outside your sphere of influence, which we’ve spoken about recently as well. So, the team that has done experiments around this WOOP technique has found that putting future outcomes against the obstacle tweaks are non-conscious brain circuits.

P: Ooh.

M: So, there’s a lot going on around this technique that’s backed by science and how our brains work as well. It’s not just, you know, the next coach, business coach or leadership coach who’s come up with an acronym.

P: Laugh, yeah.

M: There’s real science behind a lot of this stuff. The team said they did a lot of questioning on how mental contrasting works and the research shows that focusing on both the desired future and the obstacle in yourself is helpful to get engaged and to get out of that passivity and hopelessness.

P: Mmm.

M: So, it’s really about, as you said, getting started on making the change rather than just thinking about it.

P: Mmm hmm, yeah.

M: So, focusing on the desired future provides a direction to act, and focusing on the obstacle provides the energy to act.

P: There’s no point going into a battle if you don’t know the opposition. It’s about doing your homework before… I’m thinking Gladiator, walking into an arena and not knowing that there’s going to be three lions coming at you means that you’re not prepared. So, identifying the obstacle.

M: Yeah, but more than that, knowing that there’s three lions and then knowing how to kill each of them.

P: Yeah, exactly.

M: Right?

P: It’s very practical, yeah.

M: Absolutely. Okay, the WOOP technique just to start summarising… You’ve got a few good quotes actually here, Pete, that you wanted to throw in from people who have been using the whoop technique.

P: I talked about Dr Sharma before, and I’ll go back to Dr Gabriele herself, “The obstacles we think most impede us from fulfilling our wishes can help us realise them. WOOP instructs us to dream our future dreams (first) but (then) to imagine what obstacles in our psyche prevent us from achieving them”.

A WOOP user, Kamakshi Sinha, sorry for butchering that name, says that this has really helped her identify doable wishes, even though she can identify the hurdles in the if and then plan, she has a tangible approach to that. And again, Dr Sharma concurs, saying these approaches need intrinsic motivation in his 17 years of experience most approaches depend on you to change, so it is not a magical power or formula. It needs burning desire!

M: Come on, you just said magical, and you didn’t go Disney?

P: Laugh, I was on a roll and I’m on a time constraint here!

M: Laugh.

P: If I keep going it could be another 20 minutes here. Laugh!

M: All right, well, we are coming to the end here, so that’s a really good place to end. You’ve got to want to change.

P: Yeah.

M: But this is really about breaking it down into practical steps that you can take and then couple that with the research in neuroscience about changing behaviour. You’ve then got to stick with it. And as we’ve said, easy to say, not so easy to do.

P: Laugh.

M: We’ve all set New Year’s resolutions that –

P: Failed miserably.

M: -we’ve forgotten about very quickly. Laugh.

P: Yeah.

M: Moving on, laugh.

P: So, if you have been that sort of person and you haven’t had some tangible tools to actually deal with it. This is one of them that you can actually try.

M: Yeah, and then that next really tangible step that you can do is pop these into your diary.

P: Mmm.

M: So, that’s the final piece of advice that I’ll throw in there. It’s not part of WOOP, but it’s definitely part of a lot of the science of change and making change and personal change. So, once you’ve done all of your visualisation, you’ve worked out your Wish, your Outcome, your Obstacles and you formulated your Plan. Pop the steps into your diary and you’re more likely to do them.

P: Sounds good.

M: And on that note, we’ll leave it there until next week.

P: Go and be a German princess.

M: Please do.

P & M: Laughter.

M: See you next week.

P: Bye.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

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Are You Really Happy?

by

Are You Really Happy

Could You Honestly Say You Are Truly Happy in Life? 

Picture this. You finish up a manic period of work and dash to the airport to catch a flight for your annual holiday – seven days at a 5-star all-inclusive resort. The food is excellent, and the drinks keep flowing. You’re with your partner or best friend, wandering up and down white sand beaches, splashing in the crystal blue and turquoise waters of the ocean. You get massages and even head out for several spectacular day trips. Too soon, your time comes to an end, although you sneak in a few free drinks on the flight back to hold on to the holiday vibes for a little bit longer. 

How do you feel upon your return? Hopefully relaxed, maybe a bit zen, and more than anything happy? Maybe you bound into work on Monday morning, keen to pick up your work and chat to your colleagues about your trip. But what happens on day two or three? How about after five days or two weeks? As your tan and holiday glow begin to fade, most likely you begin to feel like your normal old self again. Most likely, you return to your normal happiness levels. 

What is the Happiness Set Point? 

Psychologists would say that you are returning to your happiness set point – a psychological concept which describes how our happiness goes up and down in response to good and bad events in our lives, but that in between those highs and lows, we each return to our own base level. This is how happy you are on a day-to-day basis. As Dr. Robert Puff explains, even if you win the lottery, your feelings of happiness will soar sky-high and then return to the same normal level they are at most of the time for you. On the flip side, in his book The Resilience Project, Hugh van Cuylenburg describes his time teaching poor kids in India, “I met a kid who was nine years old and slept on the floor like everyone else. But I remember thinking to myself, ‘I have never in my life seen joy like this before. This kid’s the happiest person I’ve ever met. I’ve never seen anything like him. How incredible. How is it this kid’s so gleefully happy?’” As Puff points out, this is because long-term happiness comes from your internal environment and not the external world. 

The average person will spend most of their time in the in between moments – not riding the highs and lows. So having a higher happiness set point is critical to living a happy life overall. It’s the difference between looking back on your life and thinking, “yes, I was truly happy in life,” or only being able to say, “there were some moments of happiness in my life.” 

We all know people who have low happiness set points: they’re the ones who are natural pessimists… the Debbie Downers of the world. Maybe you are naturally wired to be more negative or more pessimistic than most. What can you do if you sit at a four out of ten, verses say a seven out of ten? Can you raise your happiness and satisfaction levels so you are consistently happier, day in and day out? Can you raise your happiness set point?  

Thankfully the answer is yes. You can become a happier person – if not, this site wouldn’t exist!  

In 2005, researchers Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, and David Schkade proposed a simple pie graph which showed that there were three primary factors that influence a person’s happiness levels. They showed a person’s happiness set point is influenced by three major factors: a genetically determined set point for happiness, happiness-relevant circumstantial factors, and happiness-relevant activities and practices.  

In short, the graph shows that 50 per cent of our happiness is determined by our genetics, so it’s out of our control. Also, and 10 per cent is determined by our life circumstances, which can often be influenced but are also sometimes out of our control. Finally, 40 per cent of our happiness levels are determined by our activities. These are completely within our control and this means that what you choose to do and spend your time on can impact your happiness levels. 

Although this graph has been criticised by many (including the authors) for oversimplifying happiness, positive psychologists still tend to agree that whether it’s 15 per cent or 40 per cent that’s within our control, we still have some control. Many researchers since then have showed that introducing happiness interventions under the ‘intentional activity” category can sustainably increase happiness. 

What this means is that even though you can’t change all the determinants of happiness, you may never move from a 4 to an 8 on a happiness scale, but you might move from a 4 to a 6 – which is worth the effort in my book.  

Happiness can be successfully pursued. For some happiness may feel like a natural state, but for others it is not easy, for many people it is hard won. The key lies in our habits and behaviours. Puff writes that if you eat fast food multiple times per week and spend most of your time watching Netflix and scrolling through social media, you shouldn’t expect to feel any increase in your happiness levels.  

Happiness for no Good Reason 

To achieve that sustained happiness, it’s important not to focus on the external ‘stuff’ that many people mistake for drivers of happiness, such as getting promoted, losing 5 kilos or finding Mr or Mrs Right. Instead, we need to focus internally. Happiness comes from within.  

In her book Happy for No Reason, Marci Shimoff describes it as bringing happiness to the external environment rather than trying to suck the happiness from the outer environment. So, no matter what’s happening around us, maybe we’ve had a good day, maybe we’ve had a bad day, in the end, it doesn’t matter as our underlying and prevailing feelings are ones of happiness and peace. Regardless of whether you get promoted or find Mr Right, you’re happy anyway. 

To find that sustained happiness, we need to prioritise those intentional activities that positively impact our happiness levels. The person who is consistently happier than their happiness set point – the person who is just happy for no good reason – often is happy because of good habits. 

Neuroscientists who study the brain show that we start to form new neural pathways in the brain as we form new habits that increase our happiness level. As we continue to build our new happy habits those neural pathways get stronger and stronger, at the same time, the neural pathways for the old negative habits get weaker.  

Getting started on Your Happiness Journey 

So how do you get started on creating happiness habits? There are many models for happiness from Dr. Martin Seligman’s PERMA model to Dr. Tal Ben Shahar’s SPIRE model and more. In short, they all show that happier people prioritise activities in the following three broad categories: 

Meaning and Purpose: Firstly, they have meaning and purpose in their lives and this is often tied to a strong sense of identity and self. This is about having something to get you out of bed in the morning, and about having goals, plans and commitments. 

Community and Connection: Secondly, they have strong community and connection. They have a core group of people they can talk to and depend on. They also tend to have a wider community network, through activities like church, regular volunteering and practicing kindness. 

Health and Wellbeing: Thirdly, they practice and prioritise positive habits for a healthy body and mind. It could be getting out into nature for walks, going to the gym, or playing on a sports team, or it could be meditation, drinking water, and making sure they get 8hrs of sleep. The activity itself is less important, the main point is that resilient people prioritise their preferred self-care habits, even when life gets busy. 

Why not Start with Introducing a Gratitude Practice into Your Week? 

A really easy and scientifically proven activity which can start to change those neural pathways for the better is practicing gratitude. We’re all wired to look for the negative, it’s evolutionary. After all, the person who focused on the pretty flower over the stalking lion wouldn’t have lived long enough to pass on their genes. However, as stalking lions are no longer a priority in 21st century life, practicing gratitude can help you change that wiring. 

Gratitude works by helping you to find the good in your day and focus on that, rather than always or only focusing on the bad. It only takes a minute a day, but it balances out the things that went wrong that day, the negative news, the anger on social media and everything else that it just life nowadays.  

Also, it is really easy to do: A 2003 study by Emmons & McCullough showed that keeping a gratitude journal weekly for only 10 weeks, or daily for only two weeks, led to more positive moods, optimism about the future, and better sleep. 

So why not get started today? What have you got to lose? 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources! 

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

Are You Getting the Rest You Need? (E82)

by

Happiness for Cynics

This week, Marie and Pete discuss the latest research on different types of rest, and pose the question are you getting the rest you need?

Show notes

Rest Quiz – What type of rest are you not getting?

Go to: https://www.drdaltonsmith.com/ and complete the free Rest Quiz on Dr Dalton’s website

  1. Physical rest 
  2. Mental rest 
  3. Sensory rest 
  4. Creative rest 
  5. Emotional rest 
  6. Social rest 
  7. Spiritual rest 

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

P: Hi, hi, hi 😊

M: How’s this for country hospitality. I ran away from Sydney just before the latest lockdown and have joined my husband, who’s been working up in Tamworth, which is in regional New South Wales in Australia. And instead of knocking on our door during these covid times, I got a handwritten note from our local Mormon.

P: Yep.

M: Inviting me to join them.

P: I’ve heard of this! Laugh. I like it, I think it’s funny.

M: Country hospitality, laugh!

P: Exactly. Good on them for being adaptive. I think it’s great. I think we should take note.

M: Absolutely, a handwritten note and in beautiful cursive writing. I was like wow.

P: There we go.

M: Nice, laugh.

P: But we know that church is good for us because Self-care is church for non-believers.

M: Absolutely. The rituals that church provides, absolutely.

P: Or did provide, yes.

M: Yeah. Or does for those who attend, Yep.

P: But we’re not talking about church this week, what are we talking about this week, Marie?

M: Rest! I’m tired, Pete!

P: Laugh.

M: Always tired.

P: Have a rest and a lie down.

M: Ah, that’s a really good point. A while ago, if people said they were tired, maybe, you know, have a cup of tea and then go to bed.

P: Absolutely.

M: So really, sleep is the way that we have always thought to solve that question of tiredness.

P: Mmm.

M: But today we’re going to talk about how sleep alone isn’t enough.

P: Oh!

M: And there’s so much more to rest than maybe we’ve been led to believe in the past. And we’re really taking a lot of the tips and hints and research in today’s episode from Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith. She has just written a book called Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Restore Your Sanity.

P:That’s a New Age slogan right there, laugh!

M: It sure is.

P: Now Marie, having known you for a little while, I reckon if I had read that out to you about three years ago, you would have scoffed and walked off.

M: Yeah. What a waste of money. Why would I buy that?

P: Laugh!

M: I’m gonna take my $10 and by a martini, thank you.

P & M: Laughter!

P: How we have changed, laugh!

M: Absolutely.

P: So, what does Dr. Saundra have to say about rest?

M: She says that there are seven types of rest and that really between all seven. If you take care of all seven types of rest, that impacts how you show up in the world. It impacts how you get out of bed.

P: Mmm.

M: It impacts your mood throughout the day. It impacts whether or not you drop after lunch.

P: Oh, so true!

M: It impacts whether you’re tired at night. You know, the first one to go home after a good night out with friends, it impacts your happiness levels as well.

P: Mmm.

M: So, in impacts how you show up each and every day.

P: Yeah, What I like about this approach as well is that she’s not just looking as sleep as being the only factor that’s at play here. There are so many factors that affect our sleep.

M: Yeah.

P: And what I think this this premise does is it addresses some of those lifestyle characteristics that contribute ultimately to our sleep. We know that a one-hour loss in sleep results in a 30% drop in immune function. That’s my little catchphrase from some of the stuff that I’ve read. What I like, about what Dr. Saundra is talking about is there’s always other elements in there which we can address as rest.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And changing our lifestyle habits, that really does have an impact on how we get to sleep in the positive.

M: It’s all interlinked, isn’t it?

P: Yeah, so much.

M: And so for me, with my medical history, I’ve had a long and bumpy ride with food allergies and food intolerances, and it is amazing to me how much my sleep quality is impacted by what I eat. Now that’s not everyone and that obviously we all have our own issues, and you know what you know, and you think it applies to other people.

P: Laugh.

M: When people have sleep issues, I’m like, Have you looked at your diet?

P & M: Laugh!

M: There are many reasons why we might not be getting a great night’s sleep. But for me back again and three years ago, I may not have been saying this either.

P: Laugh.

M: Mind and body are just so interlinked and everything is part of the same ecosystem. I’ve just written an article on my blog on gut health, actually, and how that your happiness.

P: Oh, yes. Yes.

M: So, I’ve got a great quote and then we’ll go into the seven types because I know everyone’s just wanting to know what seven types we’ve spoken about are.

P: Laugh.

M: So, a quote from Dr. Saundra, she says “Rest is not simply the cessation of activity, the core of rest has to be restorative.”

P: Oh.

M: And that really opens everything up to more than sleep, right?

P: Mmm, it does.

M: Which is exactly what we’ve been saying.

P: Yeah.

M: All right, so we’ll start with the first one physical rest.

P: Mmm, you need to take a break. This one applies to me actually.

M: This one is the one that we’re probably going to spend the least amount of time on is the most self-evident. There are two types of physical rest. One is passive, which is sleep.

P: Yep. Easy.

M: Right? Lay down, sleep, physical rest, tick.

P: Yep.

M: The other is an active physical rest, and this includes things like yoga or stretching or light walking. It’s just resetting your body. Gentle, rhythmic, you could probably put swimming in there maybe, gentle physical activity that is not exciting your system.

P: Mmm, downgrading.

M: Exactly, exactly.

P: She actually does list massage therapy in her Ted talk on this subject, So that’s a big tick for me! Laugh. Come get a massage, people!

M: I will do A massage over an hour of yoga any day.

P: Laugh. Ahh… good if we could get massages though… sigh.

M: Yeah. Laugh.

P: Laugh, Ok. Moving on the second type of rest is mental rest, and she talks about irritable and forgetful people, people who find it difficult concentrating at work. All these sorts of people just can’t seem to turn themselves off. What she says is, the good news is you don’t have to go on a vacation or quickly job to be able to do this. Scheduling short breaks into your day are vital. This I have to definitely put my hand up having been the person that you know works from eight o’clock in the morning, through to seven o’clock without a lunch break.

M: [Judgemental tone] Mmm hmm.

P: Laugh, this is me. Making sure that you’ve got some time where you stop and rejuvenate. Allow your energy levels to re-jig and to get some, some focus back to get some ingestion going on. Slow yourself down.

M: Slow your brain down.

P: It really helps. Yeah, it really helps.

M: Yeah, and this is also more difficult in today’s society because we are pulled in so many different directions. If you’re not sitting at a computer all day, you’ll definitely nowadays have a phone and we say we know we should turn off notifications, but so many of us don’t.

P: Yep.

M: And even when you do, you know that that little red dots sitting there after lunch.

P: Laugh!

M: You know it’s there, even though you haven’t heard a ping or buzz at you.

P: Yep, laugh.

M: So, it’s really also mental rest is about mindfulness and stopping and taking a big, deep breath. And just letting your mind wander for a bit, doing the dishes without any TV or music on and just focus on doing the dishes.

P: Mmm.

M: Or, you know, washing your hair.

P: Mmm.

M: There’s many activities during the day that we add unnecessary noise into. And our mind is just being bombarded with stuff and noise and sensory input.

P: Information overload.

M: Yeah, let your mind focus on one task or on no task.

P: This is where the cup of tea comes in really well. Having a cup of tea is the old English way of stopping.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: You stop for a cup of tea and you sit in the office, in your backyard, I sit on my balcony when the sun’s out and I have a cup of tea and it makes you stop, lovely.

M: So, this fits well into number three, which is sensory rest.

P: Mmm.

M: So, you’ve got mental rest, that’s really stopping your mind from having to think.

P: Yep.

M: But just as important. And this one really made me look at my habits.

P: Yeah.

M: I would finish a long day at work. So, I get up, I try and get some exercise in then do some writing or you know, editing the podcast or blog writing.

P: Mmm.

M: All of that kind of stuff and then I start a 10-hour workday.

P: Yeah, woah.

M: And so, at the end of the day, all I want to do is crash in front of the TV, and that doesn’t take into account the fact that you can overload on sensory input.

P: Yeah.

M: So, at the end of the day, what my brain needed was a book, or for me to have a shower and wash my hair or for me to do something that was really not going to continue to overload me from a sensory perspective.

P: Yeah, I was going to say that that sensory stimulation is coming in through your eyes, like that light pollution that we talked about before.

M: And it is. So, you sit yourself down in front of the TV and your brain is like, Oh, gosh more.

P: Again!

M: So, while you might be sort of zoning out in front of it, your brain is still processing all of those images and noises.

P: Yep.

M: Plus, you know, the dog wants to be let out for a walk and is scratching at the door, and your kids are not going to bed. And you know your husband’s asking when dinner will be ready.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: Like all of this stuff, the life stuff that adds to sensory input. And it’s really important to find some time away from all of that sensory input and get your sensory rest.

P: Yep, schedule it.

M: And then find the time. So, just to be clear, that’s no devices, no noise, no screens and no people, either. No demands on your mind.

P: Oh really? Oh.

M: This is really about shutting down, and meditation would be great, just going into the garden or just somewhere that you can really reduce your five senses.

P: Mmm.

M: Reduce the assault on those five senses and just take some quiet time. And it could be 20 minutes once a week if that’s all you can manage.

P: Yep.

M: It doesn’t have to be daily, but do you find time to, to shut down all that sensory input sometimes.

P: I like it.

M: Number four, Pete?

P: Number four, creative rest. Ah hah, creative rest is about happiness. It’s about having fun! It’s a little bit of activation, in a way. Creative rest is about taking inspiration, finding awe, so remembering the first time that you walked and saw a cliff face into the ocean. For me I’ve got images of Southern Italy with my niece and doing a trek and getting to this nunnery that looked out over this blue, blue ocean. That is creative rest.

M: Mmm.

P: That is inspiring awe and wonder and allowing yourself to take in some beauty and revel in that moment.

M: The easiest way to get this is to just get out into nature, isn’t it?

P: Yeah, she talks about that a lot, and she says that’s not the only way. But it’s the easiest, the easiest way because it makes you stop. It makes you breathe. It makes you pause because you’re in front of this incredible scenery.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And what Dr Saundra talks about as well is having that in your daily life as well. So, if you’re around on your desk having those images up and around you make a big impact. I was doing some work recently on all the supportive things that go towards making a therapeutic environment; and being a health care professional, I was sort of being informed about all these elements, and there’s a reason why you put images of greenery and rocks.

M: And Buddhism candles!

P: And Buddhism candles, laugh, in your space because that placebo effect is scientific. It has a scientific reaction on someone’s receptiveness to a treatment or therapy. So that’s another way of gaining some creative rest.

M: I remember the first apartment I ever had or rented, and I decided I was going to use red and black.

P: Laugh.

M: You know, it was cool, it was funky. I decorated with red and black, and it was aggressive.

P: Laugh!

M: I think it lasted about two days, and I was like, not happening, you know, coming back into that space.

P: Aaahhh!

M: Laugh, a murder scene had gone on in there, right.

P & M: Laugh!

M: It was just palpable the way it made you feel because it was so aggressive in its colour scheme.

P: Mmm.

M: I 100% agree with you, Pete.

P: Laugh.

M: It’s so important to get it right.

P: You know a really nice thing? Get a pot plant. Put a pot part in your workspace. It can be really small, a tiny little one, a little succulent that you don’t need to take too much care of pop it on your desk and have two and rotate them between the sun. Really good way to bring in some green.

M: I have a plant here with me in my study. And the only reason it’s here is because this is where I spend my days and otherwise the cats eat them.

P & M: Laughter!

M: So, it’s the only way I can have a plant, keeping it with me during the day so I can keep an eye on it. Laugh!

P: So the cats don’t eat it! Laugh.

M: And then at night, I close the door to my study and the plants get closed in there too.

P: Laugh. Funny.

M: So recently, as part of my certificate in happiness studies, we did a week studying meditation, and one of the –

P: Ha, ha, ha.

M: – Yes, I know you’re laughing at me because I’m still a cynic when it comes to meditation, it’s just not my jam.

P: Laugh.

M: But one of the ways you can meditate. And this is actually something that does come from studying this stuff is actually getting a deeper understanding of all the different types of meditation, and one of them is music meditation.

P: Yep.

M: And so, to this creative rest category here. A great way to get rest, creative rest, is to put on a track of music and close your eyes, sit down and really listen to it in a deep and meaningful way that you haven’t before.

P: Yep, really engage with it.

M: Yep, and that’s just a three minute exercise. And it’s part meditation, so you’re getting a bit of mental rest in there, but you’re also getting a bit of creative rest. And it’s amazing when you do it, how much you can reinterpret a song or a piece of music that you’ve known your whole life and hear new things that you’ve never noticed before.

P: Music without lyrics actually works really well for that, because it is that depriving of the senses. So going in like a violin piece or a piano piece.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: It’s really easy to engage, and it’s a type of meditation. We talked about this in a meditation episode, right in the very beginning I think it was, Marie.

M: I wasn’t listening back then.

P: Laughter!

M: That was your show, laugh.

P: Delete, laugh. Anyway.

M: I did it cause Pete wanted to do an episode on meditation and I was like ‘why?’

P: Laugh!

M: And I have to say for everyone out there listening, meditation has so much research, so much research into the benefits for you, particularly in today’s day and age, which is, you know, as we just said, such a sensory overload kind of world. So, it is not that I am arguing against the validity of it as a way to increase your health and wellness. What I’m saying is, it just doesn’t work for me. I haven’t really found my type of meditation.

P: You’ll get there, oh budding grasshopper.

M: Laugh.

P: Emotional rest.

M: Yes, number five, emotional rest. Find a good friend. Well, you know, a therapist.

P: Laugh.

M: Find a good friend or therapist, be authentic and vulnerable with and let your guard down.

P: Mmm.

M: And really, there’s still so much more research. I was just reading another piece of research that was in an article today on psychology today again saying that close relationships are so important and there’s so many reasons why and this is one of them.

P: Mmm.

M: Emotional rest, if you are constantly wearing a mask, you cannot let go or be the true you.

P: No authenticity.

M: Yeah, and sometimes it’s dangerous for you to be the real you. The environment you’re in would not allow that.

P: Yep.

M: Other times it’s emotional or mental barriers and scarring from, you know, growing up. There’s a lot that can play into this. So, we’re not saying that you have to all of a sudden come out or be authentic, but it’s worth understanding that that lack of authenticity in your life has a huge impact on your mental well-being.

P: Mmm.

M: We did also do an episode on this before, Pete.

P: Laugh, yeah.

M: And really, if you can keep searching for your tribe, the people that you can find who you can be authentic around.

P: Mmm.

M: People like Pete.

P & M: Laugh.

M: Who love you for who you are.

P: Aww, stop it I’m going to cry.

M: Aww.

P & M: Laugh.

M: Then that provides so much emotional support and so many benefits outside of rest, which is what we’re talking about now. But so many benefits in so many different ways.

P: Yep, definitely.

M: So keep searching for your tribe if you haven’t yet found those people and make sure you spend the time because it takes a good 2 to 3 years to make that deep friendship and time and effort over time to do that.

P: Yep, mmm.

M: So don’t give up too early on people either. But keep looking, because the benefits when you find your tribe are amazing.

M: Number six-

P: Last one.

M: – is social rest.

P: Oh, missed that one.

M: And this one is big for me.

P: Mmm.

M: So if you’re an introvert. Social rest is so important and you’ll crave it and fight for it and hopefully protect it as much as you can, fight for it. And this is really about getting away from negative people and spending time with people who renew your energy rather than take it. And in a work environment, when things are stressful, a lot of the time we can spend 40 hours a week or more around people that we’d rather not prefer to spend time with, and oftentimes around people who are negative.

P: Yeah, it’s a hard one, but it’s really important.

M: All right. Now you can take us to the end.

P: Now I can do the last one.

M: Number seven.

P: I can drive it through the end, I’m the finisher. Spiritual rest, the ability to connect beyond physical and mental and feel a deep sense of belonging, love, acceptance and purpose. It just rounds it out so beautifully.

M: [vomit noise]

P: Laugh! Marie just threw up a little bit in her mouth.

M: Laugh, eeuggh.

P: It’s about finding something bigger than you, and we talked about this again about in terms of awe and inspiration. It’s finding a process of connecting with something that’s beyond. That takes your focus out of your issues, your life, Mrs. Blogs down the road who keeps throwing her rubbish in your flower bed or whatever, and looking for some awe and inspiration on a different level perhaps.

M: Is that happening to you? Someone throwing their garbage in your flower bed? Laugh.

P: No, I was actually thinking about my mother, laugh.

M: Is she throwing rubbish in someone’s flower bed?

P: No, someone’s been throwing rubbish in hers.

M: Oh dear!

P: And apparently some in the rose bushes. Apparently or alleged, laugh.

M: Geez, and she’s out in the country!

P: Yeah, she’s not far from you.

M & P: Laugh.

P: Anyway.

M: So spiritual rest, I think for me I get from helping others.

P: Mmm, interesting.

M: That, for me is a really easy one to tick off. I get that good, warm and fuzzy feeling, when I go donate blood. Or if I coach volleyball or you know there’s a whole range of things for me that make me feel I’m giving back to society and people around me and to my community, and that’s really important to me.

P: Mmm.

M: And again, it doesn’t have to be religious. A lot of people jump straight to religion, and that’s what turns them off, exploring this element of rest.

P: Mmm.

M: So, there are other ways that you can feel connected to community or to nature or the world around you. It’s just about finding what works for you.

P: Oh, lovely. So, it’s not all about sleep? Laugh!

M: No. So, physical, mental, sensory, creative, emotional, social and spiritual. And we’ll finish up by letting you know that Dr Dalton-Smith Saundra Dalton-Smith has a free rest quiz on her website that you can complete.

P: Ooh, homework! Yay.

M: Laugh.  

P: Audience participation, yippee!

M: And if you do the quiz, you can get a bunch of feedback into areas that you might be able to improve on. So, her website is Dr Dalton-Smith, d r d a l t o n s m I t h . com. Really simple. I think I’ve got some rest I need to maybe address in my hectic life at the moment.

P: Laugh, we could probably all do that. So, get some rest people.

M: And stay happy. We’ll see you in a week.

P: Bye.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

5 Ways to Trick Your Brain Into Feeling More Optimistic

by

Feel More Optimistic

Do you need to feel more optimistic? Are you struggling to keep your head up and stay positive? 

Recent times have made it more challenging than ever before to remain optimistic. Many of us are dealing with financial insecurity and loneliness and isolation from family and friends. Our usual go-tos for fixing a low mood have also been taken from us so we can’t visit our favorite hang-out spots. The closure of places like movie theatres, museums, gyms (or whatever floats your boat) have made it all the more challenging to find moments of joy or even just sanity. Life is tough enough in lockdown without having to also give up on the moments that could normally provide inspiration, optimism or simply make us feel human again.  

But there are ways, tricks, and tools we can use to experience joy in our lives and make ourselves feel more fulfilled. In shirt, there are ways to trick your brain into feeling more optimistic.  

Let’s look at some science-backed ways to trick your brain into feeling more optimistic: 

1. Invest in Your Social Connections 

Gone are the days of large social gatherings or dinner parties with friends and family. Yes, we can see our family and visit some people from time to time depending on where we live and provided we follow local guidelines. But we can’t quite interact with others the way that we used to. So what do we do? 

Well, thankfully, we have tools at our disposal like Zoom, Whatsapp or Facebook Messenger that allow us to meet virtually. While it’s not quite the same, we can still get that face-to-face time that we all love and cherish, and that is proven to increase our happiness levels. Not to mention the fact that seeing others’ faces and reading each other’s body language is an important part of communication. It’s been commonly said that up to 90% of our communication is non-verbal.  

What if you don’t have a computer or can’t get access to the internet? Well, there is always the good old-fashioned phone. At least we can hear each other’s voices and engage in some playful banter and laughter.  

What about texting? According to researchers at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, texting does not deliver the same kind of powerful positive emotional reactions we may have been expecting. So, while the odd text here and there is good for corresponding about quick little things like appointments and so on, it is not all that helpful for building relationships and trying to be a more optimistic person. 

Don’t forget that scheduling these chats is important. If you don’t prioritise it and lock it in, it just won’t happen. 

2. Limit Social Media and the News 

While there can be positive bits of news that get posted to social media, like birthdays or other life milestones, social media and the news media are generally more focused on what’s going wrong, not what’s going right. Plus, half the stuff on social media isn’t even true anyway. Researchers have found that casually scrolling through social media often does nothing to encourage positive emotions, in fact it can make you more prone to anxiety and depression. 

And although, generally speaking, well-known mainstream news sources are diligent about fact-checking their work, that doesn’t make a true negative story feel more positive. Now that’s not to say that you should completely ignore current events altogether, but the science shows that limiting your exposure to the news and social media can help to reduce anxiety and depression. If you’ve been watching a lot of news lately, then perhaps consider taking a “news holiday.” 

3. Mindfulness and Meditation 

You could look at mindfulness and meditation as a form of self-care for the brain. Research has shown that practicing any kind of self-care is especially important for people who feel lonely or anxious. I could probably write a whole article or even a thesis on meditation, so I won’t go too far in-depth on meditation. But essentially, it involves finding a quiet place to sit (or sometimes other positions are useful) and practice repeating a mantra or listening to a guided meditation that involves stretching or breath-work. One of the first pioneers on the study of meditation, Dr. Herbert Benson, has suggested that at its most basic level, meditation relieves stress. And while some people may find it difficult to quiet their mind, regular practice can make things easier. 

When it comes to mindfulness, being mindful really just means being aware and staying in the present moment. Being aware of your thoughts and feelings is important when trying to manage your emotions. Awareness itself is a bit different from actual thoughts. As Dr. Deepak Chopra put it in a recent documentary, “Mindfulness is a terrible word because when you are practicing mindfulness, you’re not using your mind. Awareness of a thought is not a thought.”  

Being aware and present is key, and it can go a long way to helping us feel more optimistic. 

P.S. I did write that article though, so you can read more about mindfulness and mediation. 

4. Exercise and Sleep 

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention exercise and sleep, as they help so much when it comes to positive emotions. Just think about how you feel in the morning when you haven’t slept well.  

Exercise and sleep also go hand in hand, and it is often easier to fall asleep when you’ve had some good exercise. Access to things like the gym or swimming pools has been impossible for most as of late, but even just a simple jog, walk, or bike ride can work wonders for your body. You can also check out the huge range of HIIT workouts, yoga sessions, and aerobics classes now available for free on YouTube. 

5. Get on the Gratitude and Kindness Bandwagon 

This may seem like a simple concept to some but it can be more challenging for others. Fredrickson and Prinzing, authors of this University of North Carolina study, say that doing good deeds for others elicits positive emotions. Helping people can be difficult during these trying times, but there are always ways to help others without breaking the rules. Try baking a dish or making care package and leaving it on your friend’s doorstep when you go for a walk. You can also donate blood (provided all health guidelines are followed) to help you feel more positive and connected to society. 

Or, why not try practicing gratitude. Practicing gratitude makes you happier and less stressed, and it leads to higher overall wellbeing and satisfaction with your life and social relationships. Gratitude is the secret that many resilient and happy people have been practicing for years – including self-help guru Tony Robins, who has promoted the benefits of gratitude for years in his seminars. 

As you can see, optimism is not just something we are simply born with. There are healthy habits, practices, and tips that we can adopt to trick our brains into feeling more optimistic. You don’t have to do all of these things all the time, but pick one and try to incorporate it as much as possible into your daily life and see how it works wonders for your mental health and optimism. 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources! 

Emotional Reframing and Happiness (E81)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about emotional reframing and happiness– it’s not about what happens, but how you frame it. 

Show notes

Cognitive Reframing

Link to article on cognitive reframing 

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: And we’re back again.

P: Howdy, howdy, howdy.

M: Hi, hi, hi.

P & M: Laugh.

P: I’m trying to be really nice and open because it’s a miserable day here in Sydney. Laugh.

M: I think it’s miserable everywhere in Australia.

P: It’s so cold! Eh, true.

M: Yeah.

P: Even if it was sunny.

M: Yeah, pretty much… Well, no… Look, Brisbane might get out of lockdown today.

P: Yay!

M: Possibility?

P: Laugh.

M: Everyone else is going into lockdown. So, you know, poor Melbourne back again. More areas of Sydney, Newcastle, Armidale.

P: Mmm.

M: Yeah. So, this is actually a really good time for us to be talking about emotional framing and reframing.

P: Ooh, reframing. Let me get out my chemistry set, laugh.

M: I kind of go more towards like the pretty pictures on my wall. Do I want a white frame or a black frame?

P: Laughter! Whichever analogy works for you folks.

M: Laugh.

P: This is exactly what we’re talking about reframing. Looking at things from the other point of view, laugh.

M: Exactly. So, I think what we’ve just proved Pete is exactly what this conversation is about.

P: Laugh.

M: Which is that the same event, can be perceived differently by two different people. So, the difference is due to internal factors, and it really comes down to the fact that we’re all unique. We’re all individuals, and we all bring with us a whole lot of emotional baggage, which shapes who we are in both positives and negatives.

P: What are you talking about? I’m not emotional at all!

M: Laugh.

P: She says, casting a thing [rucksack] over a shoulder.

M & P: Laugh.

M: Yes, so we all come with our life experiences and that shapes how we see everyday events and how we live our lives.

P: Very much,

M: So, we all subjectively evaluate our experiences, and we can, unfortunately, shade experiences with negative emotions because we’re seeing things through a negative lens when they’re not actually negative.

P: So true, and it’s interesting that that’s the first place that I went to when you spoke about this reframing. I went, ‘Oh, it’s about the negative, half cup full [empty]’ kind of thing. Let’s flip that on his head, but it goes a little bit deeper than that, Muz. You sort of mentioned that this is not just about being negative and positive.

M: Yes, and look, we’ve had an episode on positive affirmations before, which really kind of rubbed the cynic in me.

P: Laugh!

M: I just felt uncomfortable the whole episode.

P & M: Laugh!

M: And cognitive reframing or emotional reframing also is that borderline. But I think everyone out there knows someone who is just negative, so negative.

P: Mmm, mmm, mmm.

M: And my heart goes out to them in theory in the safety of this conversation, because there has obviously been something that has made them feel that they need to respond that negatively to everything that happens.

P: Yes.

M: And that thing can’t be a good thing.

P: No.

M: Right?

P: Definitely.

M: But gosh, their hard work those people in practise.

P & M: Laughter.

P: They’re energy suckers. If we put it into an energetic context, they are the people that just drain you physically and emotionally, and you come out after 15 minutes with them like Oh my God, I need a martini!

M: Uh huh.

P: Laugh.

M: And you feel like crap sometimes too!

P: You do! People who are aware of this energetic transference call it energy suckers. And it’s this whole thing of pulling from your belly button and they just drain everything from the bottom of your reservoir. Laugh.

M: Absolutely. Yeah. So, for those people, welcome to the show.

P & M: Laughter!

M: Good for you.

P: Can you identify yourself as an energy drainer?

M: Laugh.

P: I don’t think anybody would.

M & P: Laugh.

P: I’m one of those people, I suck… [internet issues]

M: Laugh, you suck.

P: Oh, this is hard. Laugh!

M: Um, I will apologise for everyone. I think we’re doing OK at the moment, but we are having Internet and bandwidth issues in lockdown. So, there might be some conversations that end with Pete saying, “I suck.”

P: Laugh!

M: You know.

P: This could be fun.

M & P: Laugh.

M: All right. So, cognitive reframing it is transforming specific negative events into more positive ones.

P: Mmm.

M: Which sounds like throwing out a memory and recreating it. And it is not that at all. It is not about distorting reality. It is about understanding the bias that we apply to reality and looking through different lenses.

P: Dare I say it? That’s again, the hard work. You can’t just paste something on top of it and go, ‘Oh, I’m just going to change this from an orange lens to a green lens.’ Doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. You’ve actually got to dive a little deeper into that and actually do the work of understanding. And that can be confronting because that brings into play your biases, your prejudices, all those conditional elements that can go right back to your childhood.

M: Oh, absolutely. And that oftentimes are formed in your childhood in your early formative years.

P: Yep.

M: You know, when Sallie Mae dumped you in front of the football team.

P: Laugh!

M: That sticks with you, that hurt. It’s embarrassing. And it’s part of how you’ll relate to other women moving forward.

P: Mmm.

M: Things like that, for instance.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: I don’t know why I went there specifically.

P: Sally Mae, what a mole.

M & P: Laughter!

M: Mole.

P: Laugh.

M: Alright, so from Sallie Mae, we’re going to jump to Lester Levenson. I’m going to tell a little story. There was a gentleman called Lester Levenson, and at the age of 42 he found himself in hospital following his second heart attack.

P: Oof.

M: And the doctors pretty much said, ‘you might have a couple of weeks to live.’ And with no, no additional hope to give him.

P: Mmm.

M: He had major liver problems, ulcers and was also depressed, so he was sent home for bed rest and pretty much told to prepare for the end.

P: Okay, all right, yep.

M: And so, he got home and you know, he was obviously very depressed and contemplating suicide, and that, that really is a shock to the system. That type of thing, right?

P: Mmm.

M: So, he was contemplating life and death and realised that he had so much knowledge that he gained over his 42 years of life. He had been a successful person in life, but he had no knowledge about how to live a good life. And what living a good life meant.

P: Ah. He was following the formula.

M: He had this realisation that, Yep.

P: Laugh.

M: He’d gone to work. He was a typical, I think 1950s or 60s man who had the promising career and a lot of stress and none of the tools at that stage to discuss emotions as many men in that generation, also had.

P: Mmm, very much.

M: And so, in that moment, he decided to dedicate what little of his remaining life he could to understanding what life is actually all about and how he could find happiness.

P: He gave it two weeks?

M: Exactly. And, you know, if it was only going to be two weeks, it was only going to be two weeks.

P: Oh.

M: But, you know, it lit a fire. That death sentence lit a fire in him.

P: Mmm.

M: And he decided he needed to know what lead to happiness and a good life.

P: Mmm.

M: So through – Here’s the good part story.

P: I was about to say we’re going down a really negative path here. Let’s bring some light and colour back in. Laugh!

M: Through years and years of research, and he found that the path to a good life is internal, not external.

P: Mmm.

M: And he started by looking at what made him happy. And he realised that through his very successful life that success has only led to temporary happiness. He thought about being loved as happiness, and we’ve spoken a lot about social bonds and relationships.

P: Yeah, mmm.

M: But he was loved by his friends and family, but he was still unhappy.

P: Mmm.

M: Still depressed. He thought about the joy of camping with his friends and the joy of being with his ex, and he found the unifying theory. So, it’s not being loved. He thought

‘Happiness is when I am loving.’

P: When you’re giving love.

M: And so, he resolved to be loving towards everybody.

P: Fabulous.

M: So, he directed his love towards the doctor that had told him he only had two weeks to live, and he sought to turn the anger that he felt towards that Doctor into love.

P: Interesting.

M: And once he realised that it was about him and not the doctor, he felt that weight lift off his chest.

P: Mmm.

M: And he continued to release the anger, moving slowly to resentment and then finally moving to love and realising that that doctor was trying to do his job and deliver news that he didn’t want to deliver either, that he felt helpless delivering that news.

P: Yeah.

M: And so, this really triggered a cascade of, uh, you know, cognitive reframing within him, which wasn’t a term at that stage.

P: Laugh.

M: And through the rest of his life, he kept asking again, ‘Can I replace this painful emotion with love?’ So, he started looking back through his entire life, and sometimes it took minutes, sometimes it took days to release those negative feelings.

P: Mmm hmm, yeah.

M: He went through his whole memory and transformed his anger to love for all people. And then once he practised that and spent all this time doing that, he’s developed the ability just like training a muscle to do it in the moment.

P: Uh, yeah, that’s a gift. That’s such a gift. And there are people like that who are out there who have this innate ability to look at a situation and go hang on pause. Take the emotion out of it. Let’s look at that a bit more objectively and they turn the situation around. They turn the emotion around and they stop their emotions from ruling their consciousness. And I think that’s the crux of what we’re talking about here. It’s like, Let’s just pause. Let’s not react. Let’s address.

M: Yep, absolutely. So in a way, he healed his heart.

P: Mmm.

M: That broken heart.

P: Laugh. Yeah, though it’s interesting, Marie, because you’re saying he had a two week sentence. And yet now you’re talking about the rest of his life. I mean, how much longer did he live for?

M: So, he did heal his heart and as he let go of that negativity and that anger and resentment and other people and all the things that they had wronged him with. And the things they did wrong at work and the bus driver who was late and all of that. He eventually became a spiritual teacher on all of this, and he died in his eighties.

P: No way.

M: So, almost twice as long as he had previously lived.

P: That’s great.

M: So, he was 42 when the doctor gave him a few weeks to live.

P: Goodness.

M: And we’ve spoken before about happiness, and one of the biggest blockers or stoppers of happiness is negativity and negative events.

P: Oh yeah, oh yeah.

M: And negative affect and if you’re in that spiral and circle of negativity, it’s really hard to be happy. And so, what Lester Levenson did was create a whole movement and books and followers and really kick-started cognitive reframing.

P: Yeah, wow.

M: And he did that by asking himself. So, his technique about reframing is,

‘Can I change this negative feeling into a positive one?’

‘Can I change this feeling of X into a feeling of Y?’

P: Yeah.

M: When he looked at his doctor? ‘Can I change this feeling of anger towards the doctor who gave me information that was bad –

P: Negative and horrible.

M: – to a feeling of love?’ And eventually, when the bus driver was late, he didn’t take that personally.

P: Laugh.

M: He didn’t even get upset about it because he had refrained how he looked at life.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: By doing this activity deliberately over time repeatedly.

P: There’s a really contemporary aspect of this argument who hasn’t got mad at the call centre person.

M: Oh, yes.

P: So you ring up the call centre and you’re so frustrated and I think a really practical example of this is when you’re in that moment, ‘I just want to yell at you!’

M: Laugh, mmm hmm.

P: You have to take it back and go, ‘It’s not this person’s fault.’ This is a person on the other end of the line. So, I think that is an opportunity to exercise this cognitive reframing and go ‘ah, it’s the situation that I’m angry at and frustrated by.’ I need to dial it back, bring the emotion out of it and address how I’m going to overcome the situation rather than trying to make this person on the other end of the line who I don’t even know work with me as opposed to against me. And I think that’s a really practical application of this entire concept.

M: And to take that even further, why are you angry in the first place?

P: Ah, yeah. Well, that’s more of an existential question, isn’t it?

M: Well, not really because if… Do we expect people to be perfect?

P: Mmm, yeah…

M: Do you think that the banker or the bank that you work with or the telco or the power company deliberately cut power to your house this Saturday afternoon.

P: Laugh.

M: Or decided that their technology wasn’t going to work when you needed to make your transaction.

P: Yep sure.

M: There’s actually nothing deliberate and malicious about a lot of the things that make us angry when we call into a call centre.

P & M: Laugh.

P: Yeah.

M: And it’s not about you at all. And some poor person who caused the problem is having a far worse day than you are I’m sure.

P: Laugh!

M: But reframing that into – again what we spoke about a few weeks ago with layers of control, control versus and influence.

P: Yeah.

M: When we talk about that, just letting go of the anger and knowing that there’s nothing you can do about it, especially not at the time.

P: Mmm hmm. Yep.

M: And that it’s not within your control to do anything to fix a lot of these things and that it wasn’t personal at all, that that can be really empowering. So, you don’t have to yell at the person.

P: Laugh, yeah.

M: You don’t even have to try and control that emotion because it’s not there.

P & M: Laugh!

M: I’ve got a quote here from Lester Levenson, I do love that name.

P: Laugh.

M: It’s just old-school.

P: It is.

M: Especially with the black and white pic.

P: Yeah, definitely. It’s this sort of, you know, Clark Gable-esque kind of vibe.

M: Mmm hmm.

M: So he said, Lester said:

P: It’s very Buddhist Marie. It’s a very Buddhist concept as well. The Dalai Lama talks a lot about this in terms of forgiveness and how to approach conflict with a forgiving heart. And, you know, he talks about it a lot in his dealings with the Chinese leadership over Tibet and being able to stand opposite someone and still come at the situation with a forgiving heart. It’s, it’s a huge lesson to learn.

M: And it’s more than anything, when I started looking into forgiveness and it’s one of the chapters in our book, actually, just checking that in there.

P: Laugh!

M: When we started researching forgiveness, one of the things that I’d never stopped to think about was that forgiveness is not about the other person. It’s not about the person who harmed you or hurt you.

P: No, no.  

M: Or whatever it is that they did. It’s about you, releasing that pain and that anger.

P: Absolutely.

M: Yep.

P: I’ve got a great quote from the Dalai Lama on that, and he says, he’s talking about forgiveness, and he says,

“We won’t often get the closure from another that we desire. This means that we must discover it on our own. Forgiveness is how we find peace, no matter if they want to give it to us or not.”

M: I love it.

P: Mmm.

M: It’s about taking back control and not letting that other person dictate your emotions.

P: Completely.

M: But you saying, ‘no, enough is enough. I’m going to be at peace with this and I’m going to move on and not let it be part of my emotional baggage that shapes and taints the way I view the world.’

P: There’s a lot of talk about surrendering and releasing that with behavioural therapists. They talk about standing in the midst of the storm and surrendering to it. Yeah you’re going to get buffeted around you’re going to get blown off your feet. You’re going to get picked up like Dorothy in the vortex of atmospheric pressure.

M: Laugh.

P: Out of Kansas, and dumped down in the land of Oz. Laugh. But if you go, if you don’t fight against it, sometimes it’s best to surrender to it and in that becomes a certain amount of peace and understanding. And with that and then out of that comes opportunity.

M: Absolutely.

P: That’s another conversation, laugh.

M: I guess. Look, we haven’t gone into the how and all of the workings, but there’s a great article which deep dives into this, which we will put into our show notes. So, the article is called cognitive reframing. It’s not about what happens to you, but how you frame it.

P: Mmm.

M: And really, how you frame your life has such an impact on your life.

P: Yes, definitely.

M: Walking around with rose coloured glasses. Even if the world is not rosy right now, it can definitely help with resilience and mental well-being.

P: Yep, hugely.

M: Or even if you’re just kind of in neutral, better than negative.

P & M: Laugh.

M: Because there is a lot going on right now and a lot of people are struggling with their mental health. So, it is really important right now for us to just be a bit more aware, more cognizant of our emotions and of things like this, so that we can potentially make things a little bit better and nicer and shiny.

P: And as the story of Lester Levenson proves:

Unhappy people die!

M & P: Laughter!

P: Our little mantra, laugh.

M: Our mantra? Unhappy people die? Oh dear, laugh.

P: Get happy people!

M: Laugh. I think we need a tag line, Unhappy people die on Happiness for Cynics.  

P: Laugh.

M & P: And on that note – Laughter!

P: Have a happy day!

M: I can’t even say it, bye folks.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

Is There a Happiness Equation? Here’s How We’re Trying to Find Out

by

Robb Rutledge, UCL

Most people would like to be happier. But it isn’t always easy to know how to achieve that goal. Is there an equation for happiness? Many formulas have been suggested. Get enough sleep. Exercise. Meditate. Help others. Spend time with friends and family. On average, all of these things are linked to happiness. But they don’t work for everyone.

Happiness is really complicated. It can change quickly and it’s different for everyone in ways that scientists don’t understand. In our ongoing research, we are trying to capture this subjectivity and get a more complete view of what happiness is.

Happiness surveys can only tell us so much, summarising with a few questions how people feel in general. We also don’t know what they were doing a few minutes earlier, even though we know it might be important for understanding their responses.

So we turned to smartphones, which billions of people are using almost constantly. People often believe that smartphones are bad for happiness, but many of us enjoy popular games including Candy Crush Saga, Fortnite and Among Us on our devices. How we feel can change quickly while we play games, providing an opportunity to gather detailed information about the complexities of happiness.

We recently launched a smartphone app, The Happiness Project, which anyone can download for free. In less than five minutes, you can play one of four games to learn about and contribute to happiness research. So far, thousands of people have played, answering the question “How happy are you right now?” over one million times.

Expectations

So far, we’ve managed to work out that expectations matter a lot. In 18,420 people playing a simple risky decision game on their phones, we showed that happiness depended not on how well they were doing, but whether they were doing better than expected.

Our research shows how high expectations can be a problem. Clearly, it’s not a good idea to tell a friend that they will love the gift you are about to give them. Lowering expectations at the last moment increases the probability of a positive surprise.

The problem with using this trick to hack your own happiness is that expectations about future events also influence happiness. If you make plans to catch up with a friend after work, you may be unhappy if they suddenly cancel. But expecting your friend to cancel won’t make you happy – you might be a little happier the whole day if you look forward to seeing them, even if there is some risk that things don’t work out.

Another reason that it’s hard to hack your happiness is that expectations are really important for decision making. If you always expect the worst, it’s difficult to make good choices. When things go better than expected, that’s information your brain can use to revise your expectations upward so you make even better choices in the future. Realistic expectations are generally best. In fact, we discovered that happiness is closely linked to learning about our environment.

There are times, such as on holiday, when lowering your expectations might not be a bad idea. After all, your expectations might be a bit unrealistic if you chose your holiday destination based on a friend’s rave review. You may enjoy yourself more if you don’t expect everything to go perfectly.

Tool Versus Goal

Another lesson from our smartphone games is that most events don’t affect happiness for long. This is referred to as the “hedonic treadmill”. You might think that there is something wrong with you if you don’t feel lasting happiness about a promotion, but time-limited joy is an adaptation that helps your brain adjust to your circumstances so you are ready to make your next move. In uncertain environments, including both games and real life, what happened minutes ago is often irrelevant to the task at hand.

Smartphone games can reveal how happiness works. Robb Rutledge, Author provided

The ephemeral nature of happiness means we might be better off thinking about happiness in a different way. Happiness is a tool, not a goal in itself. It can help us better understand what we care about, what we value. It can tell us whether things are going surprisingly well, which could motivate us to keep going at key moments. When our happiness drops, it may be a sign that we should try something new.

The pandemic has had a big impact on mental health. It’s never been more important to understand happiness and well-being. We don’t know why some people stay upset for longer than others. We don’t know why uncertainty is really stressful for some people but not others.

Our games aim to find out. Each of the four games focus on something that scientists know is important for happiness: uncertainty, thinking about the future, learning, and effort. In one game, you can use information about the future to make different decisions depending on whether things look good or bad. In another, you are a fisherman deciding how much effort to spend to increase your catch. By asking about happiness as you play these games, we can figure out the factors that matter for everyone.

The thousands of people playing the games in The Happiness Project will help scientists write the equations for happiness. There will never be one formula for happiness, but science can help explain the different factors that matter for happiness in each and every one of us.

Robb Rutledge, Honorary Associate Professor, UCL

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

Want to learn more about the happiness equation and the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my weekly newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!

Happiness Literacy (E80)

by

Happiness for Cynics

This week, Marie and Pete talk about your level of Happiness Literacy – how aware of your own happiness are you? 

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

M: So, we’re back Pete!

P: [Singing] Hi.

M: [Singing] Hi.

P: Laugh.

M: So, I have a question for you, as we are into week three of lockdown, which will tell you how long ago we recorded this.

P: Laugh.

M: ‘Cause who knows when we’ll be up to when we actually play this.

P: Is it week three?  I think it’s four.

M: Week four. Then my question is, Are you okay?

…

P: NOOOOO!!

M & P: Laugh!

P: I’M STRUGGLING! [Nervous laughter]

M: And I want to say that I am, too, and I’m not in lockdown. We talk about Sydney and Melbourne being in lockdown.

P: Yep.

M: And we’ve been very, very, very blessed in Australia that this is our second a few weeks of lockdown in Sydney.

P: Mmm, gosh yes.

M: And I’m actually up in Tamworth. But I think it’s worth acknowledging that we’ve all had our moments of… I’m going to call it instability.

P: Mmm.

M: I’m going to go there, laugh. Moments of irrationality.

P: Laughter! Moments of hurting?

M: Moments of feeling like crap.

P: Laugh.

M: Low resilience.

P: Laugh.

M: Manic.

P: Laugh.

M: Swings of emotion.

P: Laughter.

M: And that is okay. I think one of, I have no idea who said it. But one of my favourite quotes or mantras I have is that ‘No emotion is bad, only behaviours are bad.’

P: Oooh, I like that. Yeah, I like that a lot, I think that’s great.

M: Yeah, absolutely. And I think we talk so much about positivity and happiness on this podcast that when we were catching up before we got onto this recording, we both decided that we needed to be a bit vulnerable and share with the listeners that it’s not all about being happy all the time.

P: Mmm.

M: Sustainable happiness, which is what we strive for here, still has moments of low resilience and sadness and anger and fear and all those emotions which are neither positive nor negative. They’re just emotions, and that we feel low and sad and angry and all those things at various times, and that’s part of your spectrum of emotions of healthy emotions, even if you’re aiming for sustainable happiness. And you’ve got a great example of where it caught you off guard Pete, don’t you?

P: Yeah, laugh.

M: Will you share.

P: I’ve actually got two, I’ve got two. Yeah, Petey had a little, I call it my man period, laugh.

M: Don’t go there, you’re about to piss off a whole lot of people.

P: Laugh, I know. I believe you sisters, I’m with you.

M: Laugh!

P: I will survive.

M: Still don’t go there. You’re still digging, Pete. You’re still digging.

P & M: Laugh!

P: Yeah, I had a low week a couple of weeks ago, and I was catastrophizing a lot. I’d like to classify myself as a creative person, and the bad side of that is that you can get quite creative with your negative emotions and your negative projections, And I was getting really into them.

M: You can indulge them and feed them.

P: Oh, yeah, yeah.

M: And they don’t need indulging or feeding.

P: There’s a reason why Salvador Dali cut his ear off.

M: [Nervous laugh]

P: I’m there, I get it. Laugh.

So my first moment was I was just feeling really low, and I caught up with a friend because I thought, ‘no, no, no. It’s good to go out and see friends and do things.’ So we went for a lovely workout in one of the outdoor parks here in Sydney, and it was a beautiful, sunny day, it was lovely. And we were walking away from the exercise area because in Sydney we’re only allowed to exercise and then we have to go home. We were going for a quick coffee and my friend turned and said to me, Pete, are you okay?

P: I’m like, ‘I’m fine.’

M: [Fake laugh]

P: And he touched me, which was very non-covid because we were trying to be really covid aware. Um and he just put his hand on my forearm, and I went “I’M NOT OK!”

M & P: Laugh!!

M: Sorry, I laugh now only because you’re dramatizing it, not because my heart doesn’t go out to you.

P: Laugh! So, we sat down in the gutter. We were literally in front of some random garden. I’m like, “Can we have a seat?” And so, we sat down in the gutter and all it took was a good 15 minutes of my friend saying, “Okay, talk. Spill it.” And I spilled and I let it all out, and I had a little cry and expressed my emotions and so forth. And God, I felt better.

M: Oh, it’s so cathartic. And you kind of come out the other side going now I feel so much better that I’m a bit embarrassed that I went there.

P: Exactly, you do!

M: Laugh.

P: You get that swing back of like, I really shouldn’t have [been], you know holding it in.

M: Laugh, that was a bit OTT (Over The Top) wasn’t it!

P & M: Laugh!

P: [Singing] Drama queen!

M: Laugh. Oh, but that breakdown in that moment, and particularly if you’ve got someone there who can listen and just let you get it out. No matter how insane it might sound at times or whatever. Or is not, right? It is all valid emotion.

P: Oh, absolutely. It’s so valid and it’s validating to actually go, ‘yeah, I’m feeling low.’

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So, if you are feeling low at this moment, for whatever reason, for those people who are, you know, going we’re all going through this whole covid nightmare. Put yourself in the path of being able to open up, and that means just go to an exercise area if that’s all you can do and hang out with a friend and put yourself in that path of intervention. And when it comes up, go there, dive deep, open up, unzip the heart of your thoracic cage and let it all come out!

M: Laugh! I was with you until the unzipping of the thoracic cage. I thought it was a Superman [reference].

P: Laugh.

M: People at home you can’t see that we’re on video.

P: Laugh.

M: Pete was opening the suit, the Clark Kent suit and Superman was flying out it felt like.

P: Yep, laugh! It’s more about being exposed and being vulnerable. It’s more about the image of unzipping the body down to the heart and having that beating pulsating organ and Cain saying, ‘Come at me world, take your best stab at me.’

M: And that organ we’re talking about is his heart.

P: Yeah, we’re not going there.

M & P: Laugh!

M: Just to make sure we’re all on the same page here. Laugh.

P: Yes, there we go. So, what was your vulnerable moment, Marie?

M: Look, So I wanted to do a… So, it’s tough when you’re in a different town and you haven’t found your tribe or your people yet. And that can be, I think, even more isolating than being stuck surrounded by your tribe but not able to see them because you’re in lockdown.

P: Yep.

M: So that’s difficult at times. But my, my breakdown, my tanty moment –

P: Laugh.

M: – came when, I gave myself a Bunning’s project. I was building a shelf above my treadmill so that I can do some walking meetings here.

P: Ooh, yeah.

M: And my wonderful husband was trying to help –

P: Laugh! Whoops!

M: – and because it was my project, I had a tanty and I was trying to build this lovely, beautiful, you know, and he’s very practical and pragmatic. He was nailing things in the front side –

P: Laugh!

M: – and it was ugly. I had a bit of a strop. So, that was my emotional outburst.

P: Laugh.

M: Bless him, he puts up with a lot my husband.

P: It’s the role you do, with your intimate people, you do. You put up with things, but you’re also there when it’s necessary.

M: Yeah, and I think again there are no incorrect or wrong emotions or bad emotions, only bad behaviours. So, you know, I think if you behave badly, it’s about apologising and acknowledging that everyone is human.

P: Yes.

M: And actually, today we’re here to talk about happiness literacy.

P: Ooh, we are.

M: And this leads right in. And we wanted to start today’s episode by acknowledging that a lot of people are going through tough times. A lot of people have been going consistently through tough times since March of last year around the world, and we have, I think we’ve seeing today about 50% of our audience is in the States.

P: Shout out to The States.

M: Yeah, and a lot of people in the UK, Germany and a few weeks ago were trending in Ireland as well. So, hi to everyone. Thank you for listening.

P: Laugh, it’s really nice that we have an international cohort. I feel a bit special about that.

M: Laugh.

P: It’s like ‘Oh wow!’ Laugh.

M: We want to acknowledge that what we’re experiencing here in Australia pales in comparison to what a lot of our listeners have been going through, and that doesn’t make anything less valid. But we talk about happiness, and today we’re going to talk about happiness literacy. And really for me, happiness literacy is about being able to put the words around what you’re feeling and understand what you need to do and how to action your emotions and to proactively take care of your well-being, your mental well-being.

P: Mmm. To me, it goes right along those lines of financial literacy, health literacy, understanding the system and being able to use it. And if we talk about happiness in terms of a system, there are lots of options out there for us to access happiness. If you know how to work it.

M: Yep, or if you’ve got the base knowledge, you’ve got to have a base level of knowledge.

P: Definitely.

M: And unfortunately, we’ve spoken about this before, you don’t get that base level of knowledge from school, generally. Nowadays, there’s a little bit more education on what makes us mentally healthy.

P: Yep.

M: But mental health is still stigmatised in many parts of the world and is still associated with a lot of shame a lot of the time for many people. So, we’re on a learning curve here and many people who aren’t in school right now and who are grown, grown ass adults like us.

P: Laugh.

M: don’t have base levels of happiness literacy the way that we might have financial literacy or health literacy.

P: Mmm. Yeah, no I agree. Yeah, and they’re very much linked. So, I’ll reference a study here that I came across by Erik Angner at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, along with Miller, Ray, Saag and Allison, who asked 383 people who were aged 50 and older if they can read and answer questions on medical forms without assistance.

He then asked them to rate their level of happiness. And the findings in the research study indicated that personal control impacts on your ability to be more happy. Ergo, feeling in control – which can be undermined by poor health literacy or knowing about how to fill out a form, have access to the tasks – links to higher happiness scorers.

M: Could being more educated, link to higher happiness?

P: Yep, it could, because you have more control.

M: It’s a bit of a leap but I think it’s a fairly –

P: The leap is proven because you have a level of control.

M: Well, we haven’t proven education. Well, anyway, sidebar. I’m not getting into semantics.

P: Laugh!

M: Yeah. So really what we’re saying here is educate yourself and you will, by default, open yourself up to more happiness.

P: Yes, I agree to quote another study, Dan Buettner from the National Geographic, he’s a National Geographic Fellow, has written a book on the lessons from the world’s happiest people. And one of his main points is that literacy means you grow up making informed decisions. So, whether it’s financial, whether it’s health, whether it’s happiness, if you’re literate about happiness and the study of happiness and the study of mental health, you’re going to make better decisions about it, he cites –

M: So listen to our podcast, people!

P & M: Laughter!

P: Ooh nice! Now available on itunes.

M & P: Laugh!

M: Sorry… back to what you were saying Pete.

P: Oh no. You totally interrupted my flow! Laugh.

M: This add was proudly brought to you by Marie and her Martini.

P: Laugh! Out of a jam jar.

M: Laugh, yes. This is the definition of sadness people.

P: Laugh.

M: Marie drinking a martini out of a jam jar.

P: Laugh.

M: We’re in Tamworth where we don’t have all of our kitchen items.

P: It shows that you can still have access to your things just by being creative.

M: Laugh. Jam jar it is.

P: Finding a solution, there we go.

M: Minimalism.

P: Okay, so we’re talking about literacy making meaning that you make informed decisions.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And he cites this in terms of reference to female education. So, in areas such as Denmark and Costa Rica, which are incidentally some of the happiest countries in the world, he cites that female education is a top indicator for informed decisions. Ergo, happiness. Denmark and Costa Rica were the first to educate the daughters of lower socioeconomic farmers who passed on education to their children, and this led to a re-investment in health literacy. So, these girls grew up knowing about what to access and how to access knowledge, and that gave them a sense of control.

M: I think the other thing to bring into that research is that Denmark, along with a lot of other very happy countries like Finland, which always tops or for the last four years, has topped the world happiness report, have high levels of equality and so educating women.

P: Mmm.

M: And getting started on that earlier and giving them right to vote and all the rest of it leads to higher levels of equality rather than inequality which has been shown to lead to less happiness. So, in countries like America, there are real problems at the moment due to inequality, the top 1% owning far more than the next 80% or something along those lines.

P: Mmm.

M: The inequality in their society is staggering compared to a lot of countries like Australia, New Zealand and European, Western European countries.

P: I’d even, I’d even go further there Marie because Australia is actually number five on the list of wealth inequality, and we pale in comparison to some of the other countries, such as Sweden and Japan, that actually –

M: We do, however, we’ve got a strong social network, which means that our bottom poorest are still not as poor as those in America for instance. So again… like and Asia and many countries, not all of Asia but many countries. So, inequality is also a really good indicator of overall country happiness.

P: Mmm, mmm.

M: Well, which is made up of individuals. But also, I would argue that New Zealand and a lot of the Nordic countries have higher representation of women in their politics in their representative roles. Yeah, so again, back to women being more educated and the early you get started on educating women in your society, the sooner they get up into those representative roles.

P: Well, Buettner talks about that in terms of education, generally. Getting access to education.

M: Power to the women!

P: Laugh.

M: One day we’ll rule the world, Pete.

P: Laugh. Am I included in that? Do I flip my wig now?

M: Oh, no, I’m not going to go there. I’m not going to bash the men.

P: Ok.

M: Love. Love, everyone.

P: Laugh. So if we take happiness literacy along with the lines of emotional literacy. So, we’ve talked about emotional literacy and having your emotional toolkit understanding emotional first aid. That was one of our episodes that we’ve talked about previously. If you want to have a look looking up.

Emotional First Aid (E65)

Emotional First Aid

P: Christine Carter, who is from the Greater Good Magazine in America.

M: Oh, they’re great, Berkely. Really good resources there.

P: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She talks about teaching happiness and happiness as a skill that can be taught to kids. And so, getting into this education aspect of getting children understanding what it means to be happy. Positive emotions of presents, ice cream, partying, playing are all fabulous but also drawing pleasure in those moments of the past, such as gratitude, appreciation and also projecting these as well in the future as in terms of optimism, confidence, even faith, which I thought was an interesting one.

M: And I’m going to side car there, talking about understanding positive emotions in the future and say that one of the reasons why people are struggling with lockdowns around the world is that we’ve had all of our hope and planning and things that we’re looking forward to ripped away from us.

P: Yes.

M: I think in the last week alone, I’ve had to theatre ticket refunds and a wineries trip cancelled, right?

P: Yep.

M: And so, we’ve got nothing to look forward to at the moment.

P: Yeah, mmm.

M: Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t plan for some great activities in lockdown. And actually, if you are struggling in lockdown at the moment, then my happiness literacy tip for you.

P: Laugh.

M: You need to plan something that you know you will be able to do, whether or not you come out of lockdown.

P: Yeah.

M: Plan a little mini tea party in your lounge room with your flatmate. Or plan a WebEx dress up party with a few friends.

P: Yep.

M: Or do something that you can do and plan it and enjoy the planning process. Cook a three-course dinner for you.

P: Mmm. Yeah.

M: Whatever it is that you can get excited behind, do a movie marathon that you’re going to do in your pyjamas all day Saturday with ice cream and chocolate, whatever it is, because we need to be kind to ourselves and not judge about all that chocolate and ice cream.

P: Laugh! …champagne.

M: Laugh, but plan is the key here, and that is one of the big reasons why we’re struggling right now. There are many.

P: Mmm.

M: Don’t get me wrong. There’s financial insecurity for a lot of people as well, layered on top of the social isolation, which is really harmful to people’s mental health. But also having something to plan for and looking forward to is a really good tip to help recalibrate this manic emotion that a lot of us are feeling.

P: Mmm, it’s hard going on to something that you can control. If you’ve got something that you’re planning for, it gives you a sense of control. You can’t control the cancelling of the winery trip.

M: Mmm.

P: You can’t control the government saying, ‘No, you’re not allowed to leave your house or see your intimate partner.’ You cannot control that, so find something that you can control and that is having a dress up party, perhaps with all your workmates or your friends and going right ‘The theme is eighties funk, and everybody has to wear MC Hammer pants.’ People will get into it, they’ll contribute, and that gives you a sense of control which we know from all the stuff we talked about before gives you an access to happiness.

M: Yep, absolutely. All right. We are out of time yet again. But be vulnerable people. Let your emotions out.

P: Yes.

M: Feel your emotions and take action. Take action to plan some happiness activities that can balance out the bad things that are going on right now.

P: Take back control.

M: And that will show your emotional and your happiness literacy by putting in place some of the stuff that we talked about on this show.

P: Fabulous, lovely note to end on. Have a great happy week.

M: Have a happy week, bye everyone.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

How To Deal With Stress

by

woman stressing over work

How to Deal With stress – Wherever it Comes From for you 

According to recent studies on stress, 91% of Australians feel stressed about one or more aspects of their life. Around 450,000 workers in Britain believe work is making them sick, 86% of Chinese workers are stressed, and 77% of Americans experience stress which impacts their health.  

It’s a worldwide problem. Without healthy coping mechanisms, it can even have a serious impact on our physical health: 

  • A lower immune system and experiencing illness more often 
  • Tension headaches and migraines 
  • Insomnia, depression, and anxiety 
  • High blood sugar, blood pressure, and an increase risk of heart attack 
  • Tense muscles and a low sex drive (no one wants that!) 

It’s a horrible feeling. Sometimes it feels like stressors will never go away, like stress is consuming your life, or there’s no clear solution to make things easier. 

The good news? 

From work to finances, relationships, and everyday anxiety, there are positive, constructive, and super effective ways to manage stress. In this blog, we share how to deal with stress – no matter where it comes from for you. 

The Three Types of Stress: Acute, Episodic, and Chronic Stress 

Before we jump into how to deal with stress, it’s important to understand the three different kinds of stress and determine what kind of stress you’ve been dealing with. Here’s a quick run-down:  

  • Acute stress. This kind of stress is brief and often passes quickly. It is the most common kind of stress because it comes from reactive thinking – for example, you might be stressing about an upcoming event or deadline, certain situations, or demands from friends, family, and coworkers.  
     
    Stress is induced in the moment by negative thinking and can cause headaches, stomach aches, muscular pain, and moments of anxiety and depression. 
     
    While stress can come and go, it’s important to get the support you need in stressful times. If you find yourself becoming stressed more often, get in touch with your doctor or counsellor for support. 
     
  • Episodic stress. This occurs for people who experience acute stress frequently. You might feel rushed or pressured and feel your life is too chaotic. There are two kinds of people who are more likely to experience “episodic stress”; Type A people who are competitive, aggressive, impatient, and even aggressive, and; the “Worrier” who lives with excessive negative thoughts and can forecast a catastrophe well ahead of time.  
     
    Episodic stress can cause concentration issues, anger, depression, memory loss, fatigue, relationship problems, a compromised immune system, and much more. 
     
    If you’re experiencing episodic stress, it’s time to step in and contact your doctor for mental health support and develop some constructive stress management techniques. 
     
  • Chronic stress. This is the worst kind of stress possible. If chronic stress is left untreated, you can cause irreversible damage to your physical and mental health. People who have experienced abuse, poverty, unemployment, a dysfunctional family, substance abuse, or a broken marriage often experience chronic stress. 
     
    Chronic stress can lead to a feeling of hopelessness, can’t see an escape from the stress, and give up on looking for solutions. It can even be a change in the hardwiring of their neurobiology of the brain and body, so poor habits and negative thinking becomes ingrained in their bodies.  
     
    If you are experiencing chronic stress or know someone who might be, please seek professional help or call LifeLine on 13 11 14. You are not alone. 

How to Cope With Workplace Stress 

One of the biggest sources of stress reported worldwide is workplace stress. Some common stressors at work include: 

  • Not getting paid enough 
  • Working super long hours or unpaid overtime 
  • A huge workload and seemingly not enough hours in the day 
  • Unachievable, rolling deadlines 
  • Low levels of recognition or appreciation 
  • Few (or no) opportunities for career advancement 
  • Unclear instructions and feeling stuck
  • Work isn’t engaging or challenging – it’s not your passion 
  • There are conflicts with coworkers and an overall lack of support 
  • Management is harsh and setting unachievable standards 

The major problem with workplace stress is that it doesn’t just disappear when you go home. Workplace worries can follow you home, set up shop in your head, and refuse to pay rent.  

These stressors can even end up starring in your dreams, leading to a bad night’s sleep, fatigue, and a feeling of dread about having to do it all again the next day. 

Workplace stress can be hard to kick. A lot of people who don’t like their job end up with episodic stress, anger, frustration, and concentration problems. Luckily, there are a few easy things you can do to relieve stress in the workplace. 

Here are a few ideas on how to deal with stress from work: 

  1. Take a minute for some breathing exercises in times of extreme stress. It’s important to make time for relaxation, no matter where you are. After a stressful phone call, conversation, or even after serving a frustrating customer, take a moment to close your eyes, take some long, deep breaths, and try to disconnect from the world for a moment. It really helps to refresh your mood. 
     
  1. If possible, take a walk around the block or get out for lunch. Being stuck in a stressful situation or environment can be distressing. If possible, get out of the office for 10 minutes to half an hour for some fresh air. Studies have shown people who have gotten fresh air perform 20% better and have higher levels of serotonin. Get outside on your lunch break and refresh. 
     
  1. Talk to your boss about what’s going on. If something is bothering you about your workplace or position, book a meeting with your boss to discuss it. Nothing will change if you never bring it up, so lean on your boss for support – they might be able to help improve the situation. 
     
  1. Avoid alcohol, smoking, and substance abuse after work. It can be tempting to pour a glass of wine after a long, depressing, or irritating day at work to “take the edge off.” However, there’s a real danger of turning to the short-term relief of alcohol or drugs into an addiction. The short-term might feel great, but the long-term effects can be counterproductive – it can even make things worse. 
     
  1. Take time to recharge. Nothing cures workplace stress like a holiday. If your coworkers, workplace, or boss have been bringing you down, make sure to save up some annual leave and take an extended break to refresh and reevaluate what you want from your career. It might be time to move on – or ask for more from your boss. 

How to Deal With Financial Stress 

Around 62% of people report feeling stressed about their finances – even more so since the COVID-19 lockdown and restrictions. A lot of people have had their shifts cut. Others have lost their jobs completely. 

Sometimes, financial stress can come from simple unimportant things like purchasing “Secret Santa” presents around the holidays, or meeting the gift demands of family members. Other times, it can be more difficult. Sometimes, there’s not enough money to pay the rent.  

Financial stress is tough! But here are some ideas to help deal with money worries and stress: 

  1. Track your spending. One day it’s payday, the next your bank account is tapped out. It can happen in a matter of 24 hours, so it’s important to keep track of spending and create a budget for your daily or weekly spending. 
     
  1. Determine what’s making you stressed and create a plan. What is it that’s causing stress? What’s costing too much? What expenses can you cut out for a better bottom line? Sit down and think about things you can eliminate from your weekly spending, like that $6 cup of coffee from the cafe down the street, or the sneaky cheeseburger you snag on the way home from work. Create a plan for cutting down costs and review it once a fortnight to see if it’s working. 
     
  1. Avoid temptation. If spending is a big problem for you, make sure to steer clear of shopping centres, fast food restaurants, bottle shops, and maybe even social media – online shopping ads are a major budget killer, so keep social scrolling to a minimum. 
     
  1. Take a minute to remember what’s important. I know it’s frustrating sticking to a budget, especially when you’ve been drooling over the latest Nikes online. However, it’s important to remember the important things – like spending time with friends, getting into your hobbies, and working on personal relationships. You don’t need material objects to be happy! 
     
  1. Set goals – and remember, progress takes time. The worst part of financial stress is that there’s no quick fix. Building up savings takes time – it won’t just happen overnight, unless you win the lottery (good luck). Keep in mind that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you’ve got plenty of time to breathe, save, and get things back in order. 

Managing Stress and Anxiety in Everyday Life 

When you suffer from clinical depression and anxiety, it can be exceptionally hard to maintain stress. Even the little things can cause stress like loud noises, constant chatter at work, big crowds, running late, traffic, and more. Being too social can even cause stress and exhaustion.  

It’s easy to let these negative emotions overwhelm your mind and body on a daily basis. Here are some quick tips to help manage stress and anxiety: 

  1. Reach out and keep connected. On your bad days, make sure to reach out to someone close to you – a friend, a family member, or even a medical professional – and express how you’re feeling. Bottling up your negative thoughts and feelings can be harmful, so be sure to talk to someone about it. 
     
  1. Practice relaxation or meditation techniques. As I mentioned before, short breathing techniques can do wonders to relieve sudden bouts of anxiety. Find a quiet and comfortable spot at home, take a seat, close your eyes, and practice some deep, even breathing. Alternatively, keep your eyes open and identify three noises, three objects, and three colours around you. It will help keep your mind focused and relaxed. 
     
  1. Keep breathing. When you’re in the middle of a sensory overload, it feels almost impossible to calm down. However, it’s essential to keep breathing. Make it your mantra – “keep breathing” or “breathe in and breathe out” as you inhale through your nose for 3 – 5 seconds, then breathe out for as long as possible through your mouth. Again, this will keep you focused and help calm your heart. 
     
  1. Book in a workout every morning. Exercise pumps your body full of endorphins and makes you feel naturally happy. Book in a cardio session in the morning for an all day booster, or head to the gym after a long day to expel some stress, frustration, and energy on a punching bag. You’ll feel 10,000 x better, I promise! 
     
  1. Challenge your negative thinking. Depression and anxiety has a tendency to lie to you. It might think you’re weak or hopeless, but it’s simply not true. If these thoughts find themselves creeping into your brain, try looking at it another way – to quote Monty Python, “always look on the bright side of life.” Ask yourself for evidence. Ask yourself if you’d say these things to a friend. Cross-examine yourself, lawyer style. It’ll help cultivate more positive thinking and hopefully confidence! 

Coping with Family and Relationship Stress  

No one likes dealing with conflict – especially when it comes to friends, family members, and romantic partners. Most of the time, they’re part of your everyday life. When the norm is threatened, the fear of losing them starts to kick in – either fear or anger, frustration, and stress. 

Stressors can be external (like sudden unemployment) or internal (like a marriage breakdown). Here are a few examples of how to deal with family stress and relationship stress in a healthy, constructive way:  

  1. Recognise each other’s stress cues. Is something making you angry, short tempered, irritated, or stressed at home? There’s a good chance other people in your home are experiencing the same thing. It’s important to recognise when the other person is frustrated and know when to back down – ask them to do the same for you. 
     
  1. Turn to your own support system – or develop one ASAP. It’s essential to be open about your feelings, even if it’s with an outsider for the time being. For example, if you’re having troubles with your partner, you might turn to your friends for support. Alternatively, if it’s your friends bothering you, you might turn to a parent or partner. If you’re not ready to take the bull by the horns, make sure to vent and express your feelings with someone close to you. It can be very therapeutic! 
     
  1. Limit contact with toxic people. They say you can’t choose your family, or blood is thicker than water, blah blah blah… but that’s not quite true. You don’t have to continue torturing yourself and wasting your energy on toxic individuals. If you’re experiencing abuse, manipulation, and other poor treatment, attempt to limit your contact with this person. Again… It can be very therapeutic.  
     
  1. Conserve your energy for things you can control. There are some things you simply cannot change. It’s easy to get caught up worrying about the “what ifs” – for example, “what if Mum and Uncle Dave have a fight at the Christmas party?” – but it’s unnecessary stress. It’s important to let go of the “what ifs” and focus on the present. You can’t control Mum or Uncle Dave. Sometimes it’s okay to accept that something is not your problem or responsibility. 
     
  1. Listen to each other. The key to all healthy, long lasting relationships is communication and listening to each other. Listening to your partner, friend, or family member will make them feel cared and help you gain more perspective over their feelings. Ask them to do the same for you – but take turns, no yelling over the top of each other! 

No matter where you’re at with stress, it’s important to get professional help to balance things out 

Whether you’re experiencing work stress, financial stress, or general everyday anxiety, it’s essential to seek support and professional help. Voice your concerns. Share your thoughts. Be heard. Talking about your problems is therapeutic and sometimes it helps to get an outsider’s perspective. 

Take these tips on board, but make sure to seek professional help too! 

In the meantime, make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics, or sign up to my email newsletter for regular tips, info, and advice in your inbox.  

Does Where You Live Impact Your Happiness? (E79)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete talk about how our environment and where we live impacts our health and happiness levels. 

Show notes

Wealth distribution, Happiness and Quintiles

In the podcast Marie and Pete were discussing the wealth distribution in Australia and how research has shown a correlation between wealth distribution and physical health which can have a direct negative impact on our overall happiness. Pete also mentions quintiles in the podcast. A quintile is any of five equal groups into which a population can be divided according to the distribution of values of a particular variable. Put simply a quintile is one-fifth of a ranked list.

Transcript

[Happy intro music -background]

M: Welcome to happiness for cynics and thanks for joining us as we explore all the things I wish I’d known earlier in life but didn’t.

P: This podcast is about how to live the good life. Whether we’re talking about a new study or the latest news or eastern philosophy, our show is all about discovering what makes people happy.

M: So, if you’re like me and you want more out of life, listen in and more importantly, buy in because I guarantee if you do, the science of happiness can change your life.

P: Plus, sometimes I think we’re kind of funny.

[Intro music fadeout]

… [Whispered conversation]

M: That’s you… you’re up.

P: Are we on?

M: Yes, we’re on.

P: We’re on? Microphone’s on?

M: We’re on!

P: [Starts intro drumming theme song] Da da da!

M: Hey!

P: Laugh! It’s a bit like the Muppets, isn’t it? [High pitched Muppet voice singing] “It’s time to make the music. It’s time to light the lights.”

M: Laugh. We’re showing our age again.

P: I don’t care, the Muppets were brilliant, Jim Henson was a God.

M: I’ll give you that, definitely.

P: I watched Willow this week.

M: Oh!

P: That was my favourite little movie.

M: Yeah, I love it.

P: Yeah, yeah, it was cool.

M: Were you happy? Did it bring you happiness?

P: It did. I laughed and smiled a lot about Val Kilmer’s really bad acting, laugh.

M: The other one to watch if you were a Muppets fan is Dark Crystal.

P: Oh! That’s on a different level!

M: That’s gave me nightmares.

P: Yeah. It’s brilliant.

M & P: Laugh!

P: Mmm..mm, the Skeksies.

M: Yes, oh that’s it.

P: So, I’m going to get all hippie and back to my yogi routes. So, imagine me in my sarongs in a garden and clinging my little symbols and my singing bowls.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: I just want everyone to join hands for a second.

M: We can’t. We’re in lockdown.

P: Yeah, this is the whole point. We’re doing a virtual hand.

M: Doing a virtual handhold?

P: Doing virtual hands, yes.

M: I’m with you, I’m with you.

P: Okay, so. Unless you’re driving – everybody close your eyes join hands and just scan –

M: I’m in the correct pose and my belly’s rising.

P: Laugh.

M: Marie’s been doing meditation courses.

P: Laugh. So, this is a virtual handhold, because in Sydney, we are in lockdown.

Melbourne has just gone into its fifth lockdown. It’s a bit tough at the moment, and I want everyone to just scan their bodies and breathe into their backs, not into your belly. I want you to breathe into your back, into your lower spine. Think of your pelvis just above your pelvis at the back of your body, breathe.

Really important for us all to realise that there’s a lot of stuff going on at the moment and this is a really good way to get into your seat of power. Not only your seat of power, but it is also the best way to diaphragmatic breathe. And for those people out there who were sitting lots and getting a little bit of neck tension and upper a back tension. If you can increase your diaphragmatic breathing and breathe into your lower spine, feel your lower back against the back of the chair and push into it when you breathe. That is the best breath you’re going to take. And namaste. Laugh.

M: I feel great.

P: There we go. There’s a little tip for you. So, I hope no one was doing that when they were driving and then crashed into a pole, laugh.

M: Where are they going? We’re all in lockdown because the only the only people that we talk to is Sydney and Melbourne people, of course.

P & M: Laugh.

M: We were trending in Ireland the other week! So, hello –

P: Really the Irish like us?

M: – hello to our listeners in Ireland. I had a trip planned to your country last year that never happened.

P: We had a trip planned. Hello to County Cork.

M: We were going to kiss the… what is it?

P: Blarney Stone.

M: Yeah. I mean, that is disgusting if you think about it. Not covid safe.

P: Laugh, very not covid safe!

M: Laugh.

P: Mmm brimstone, yummy, laugh.

M: Mmm hmm. All right, well, what are we going to talk about today Pete?

P: So, I’m taking the lead I’m going to lead everyone down the rabbit hole here and I’m asking Marie specifically here to just hold my hand and make a jump here because I’m going to go down a path and I’m hoping you’ll all come with me. Laugh.

M: I’ve got sweats, I don’t like giving up control.

P: Laugh. Ah! Interesting you say that because this does have relevance to control.

M: Oooh.

P: So, coming across some information in my research in my first semester of university health and happiness are very much linked. And we’ve talked about this before, and some of the information that came out of the Torrens University by Professor John Glover of the Public Health and Information Service unit was all about healthy suburbs. And how in Australia in particular we can actually correlate your suburb to your health condition.

And the interesting thing is that suburbs that are next door to each other have vastly different presenting diseases. And they did a little example of this on the talk that I was listening to. So, something like Surry Hills in Sydney could be next to Erskineville and Erskineville could have high incidences of cardio heart disease, and Surry Hills has influenza. And this comes down to your suburb and what they did with the research was to find that there are differences, according to where you live to determine your health profile.

M: So, what you’re saying Pete is, you live up the hill from me, when we’re in Sydney.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: You could have high instances of diabetes in your area and I could have high instances of flu in my area.

P: Exactly.

M: Why?

P: It comes down to the access that we have in terms of where we live. The neighbourhoods that we have. It can also come down to a wealth distribution as well. We’ve talked before about money distribution –

M: So, money makes you healthier?

P: – being part of the factors of access to happiness. Money buys happiness, yes?

M: Money buys access to happiness.

P: There we go, laugh. So, in the same way, money buys access to health, healthy actions, healthy eating, healthy lifestyle choices.

M: So, if you can afford to buy organic that’s going to benefit you.

P: Mmm. Absolutely. To eat healthfully is more expensive than to eat unhealthily in the current Western society.

M: Yep, absolutely.

P: Okay, so if we go down the rabbit hole with this, doctor’s Glover talks about the quintiles and that Australia is divided into five quintiles of advantage and disadvantage. So, the quintile number one is 61% and above, quintile number five is 44% and below in terms of income, equality and wealth equality. Now –

M: Sorry, backtrack, backtrack, not following.

P: Okay, back it up. Laugh.

M: 65% are in the first of five quintiles?

P: No, in terms of wealth, wealth, inequality in Australia.

M: Yep.

P: So, if you’re in the top quintile, you’re 61% and above. If you’re in the bottom line, you’re 44% –

M: 61% of what?

P: Of wealth distribution. Income earning, basically.

The top income earners are 61% above the average median, whereas the low-income earners are 44% below.

P: Still not following?

M: What does that have to do with quintiles?

P: That’s got to do with… he’s classifying these quintiles for advantage and disadvantage. This comes back to the health factor. Keep coming with me. Keep coming down the rabbit hole.

M: Yep.

P: I know it’s a long, long process, laugh.

M: Yep.

P: So, it got me thinking in terms of health, correlation to happiness, can suburbs make a difference to our happiness levels? Where we live, does that impact our happiness? The answer is yes, laugh.

M: Absolutely. Well, we’ve already drawn the conclusion before or shown that the research and drawn the conclusion that physical health impacts your mental wellbeing and therefore your happiness. So, yeah, this is really interesting.

P: And mental well-being is a real term.

M: Yeah.

P: Yeah. So, I went further down the rabbit hole, and I found some publications by Helen L. Berry from the National Centre for Epidemiology and Population Health at the Australian National University. And she cites certain characteristics of areas that are highly concentrated in terms of sharing health-damaging factors. And some of the things that she came out with, I won’t read them all, but I highlighted a few.

One was including pride in one’s home, and home as a refuge.

And this comes back to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and feeling secure. It also comes back to the UN sustainable goals of being secure in your house.

M: And also the research that we showed, you know, once you’ve got the basic needs met, which in countries like Australia and Ireland there are very, very, very, very small proportion of people who don’t have that.

P: Mmm.

M: Generally, your homeless population only, which is a small percentage.

P: Mmm.

M: But the pride in the home piece we’ve explored as well with how your immediate environment can impact your mood and wellbeing. So just putting some plants in and making sure you have watered them, not let them die.

P & M: Laughter.

M: I have to keep remembering that, laugh. [It] can make a difference to, you know, your mood, your lighting, all of those things.

P: Definitely.

M: I’m really interested though Pete, to understand if you are not earning as much as the people around you. But you live in the crappiest house on an expensive street, whether you get the health benefits that everyone else around you gets or whether it is truly tied to money income only?

P: I’m probably not the person to answer that, but I’m going to I’m going to make an attempt. I would say that it is tied to income only because of the sense of control.

M: Ok. So, it’s got nothing to do with where you live. It’s just that where you live correlates to how much income you have.

P: That totally takes my argument in the opposite direction.

M & P: Laugh!

P: I wouldn’t say that it is actually.

M: It is your show! Your rabbit hole!

P: Laugh. Yeah, you’ve taken a sidebar ‘like Whoa!’

M: Laugh.

P: I think that there is a certain factor of where you live that does impact on your happiness levels, and that comes down to the environment.

M: Yeah.

P: And one of the things that Berry talks about is the cleanliness of environment. So, we know that neighbourhood areas that are well kept that looked after by the local community have a sense of care at a sense of pride, and that correlates with what she’s talking about in terms of the characteristics of highly concentrated areas that don’t have health-damaging characteristics.

M: And I’m going to bail you out a little bit here.

P: Laugh.

M: I asked a question that I know the answer to.

P & M: Laugh!

M: There is a fabulous article in Ms magazine, which is titled Want to Make Your Country Happier? – Elect Women.

P: Ahh.

M: Yes, and it talks about how certain nations come out year, year on year as more happy in the World Happiness Report.

P: Mmm.

M: And those nations have higher levels of government spending on human infrastructure. And so, taking that down to the suburb level. These are the suburbs that probably have public libraries, community centres, parks that are well kept, good roads without potholes, nice areas where people can gather and be social, all of those things with the good infrastructure.

P: Yes, exactly.

M: They may also have female mayors.

P: That would be interesting to look at, at the data.

M: Laugh.

P: I wonder if we can search out and find some of those stats that that would be really interesting. And I’ve come across that as well in terms of the female quotient of leadership. And there’s a fabulous series on ABC, which is a national broadcaster here in Australia at the moment called Ms Represented and it’s hosted by Anitta Crabb –

M: Ah, Anabelle Crabbe.

P: – and, oh sorry, Annabelle, my apologies. But FABULOUS series. Really interesting.

M: It’s great.

P: I’ve liked the first ten episodes and yeah, worth a look if you’re going down that road. Um, bringing it back, if we can bring it back to your point exactly about the environment, Marie and how they impact [health and happiness]. Berry states that exposure to clearly visible symbols of poverty and degradation send powerful messages that nobody cares about the neighbourhood or its residents. This has a direct correlation to mental health.

M: Yep, absolutely.

P: So, characteristics that generate direct health risks, such as:

  • Facilitating spread of disease,
  • Discouraging physical activity, and
  • Negative health behaviours.

[These] can be reduced by:

  • An increased perception of community involvement,
  • [Good] health,
  • Pleasant surroundings.

M: Safety.

P: Yeah.

M: So, if you feel that you’re safe in your neighbourhood and can walk around or go to the park or meet people in local areas and enjoy the space, you would get out more.

P: Absolutely. Yeah. There was a study done by Dalgard and Tambs published in the British Journal of Psychology where they studied 503 people in Oslo in Norway and their mental health issues were declining initially in poorly functioning neighbourhoods. This improved over a decade after they were shifted into slightly more encouraging neighbourhoods with [better] environmental factors. It did take 10 years, but science says that it had a decrease in psychiatric morbidity.

M: There are, I was just, I was doing some research for my book, and I can’t even remember the name of the city anymore. There’s a city in South America that is held up as the shining example of good investment in infrastructure, and they turned around their city from being one of the most crime riddled cities in the world to being a tourism hub with great world class universities.

P: Mmm.

M: And it was all due to, I think, we’ve spoken before about the 15 minute city?

P: Yep.

M: It was due to investment in infrastructure and gardens and ponds and bringing wildlife back into the city, creating trees for birds and all of those fabulous things, you know, fixing graffitied walls and cleaning that up. And all of the things that we’re talking about.

P: Mmm, yeah. We talked about that before in terms of Vancouver. Vancouver did that as well.

M: I think quite a few cities. Well, France. Paris is definitely one of the city’s that’s held up as a model for the 15 minute city, they’ve done a lot of work. London’s doing a lot of work on that, Melbourne as well.

P: Mmm.

M: A lot of big cities are including Vancouver, I’m sure.

P: Mmm, yeah. Reclaiming the space and turning it by changing your environment, you can actually directly impact your mental health and thus your happiness levels.

M: Another great example is Singapore, and one of the things I noticed when I visited Singapore was it is so dense it is denser than Sydney. I don’t know how dense it is compared to New York, but I imagine it’s pretty similar. They’ve run out of space. They can’t go into New Jersey.

P: Laugh.

M: Like New York can. They’ve only got a tiny little island for their country, and every single inch of it is planned and built on. However, every block has a certain amount of land that is, that must go towards green gardens, so you’ll find these beautiful big skyscrapers with a whole lot of beautiful gardens as part of the entryway and foyer area. Whereas we would build all the way to the sidewalk here.

P: Mmm, yeah.

M: So, our concrete jungle is truly a concrete jungle, whereas a far more densely packed city like Singapore, just looks really green. When you walk around it, it’s beautiful.

P: Yeah. That comes down to city planning and architecture design.

M: Yeah, yep and prioritising that over more buildings.

P: Yeah, density of population.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Ah, we’re going to run out of time. So, I’m going to quickly bring this back to what can you do if you’re living in a disadvantaged area about [your] happiness levels?

M: Ahh.

P: So, what are some practical things to do? And I’ll come back to the original discussion that we had with Helen Berry.

  • Invest in your community.
  • Make some gardens.

It can be as simple as creating a little laneway garden in the back-alley way if you can get the community to be a part of the environment and bringing that up. We saw this with the rise of graffiti artists in places like New York and San Francisco, where all of a sudden, they were being employed to do their graffiti art and the community was involved.

M: Yes.

P: So, that encourages social connection, which we know has a huge impact on our happiness. And even if you can just make that slight change. As the study in Oslo showed, it’s enough to tip the balance in your favour coming back to what we talked about before Marie in terms of looking at your home de-cluttering the whole, what was it, Mariko? What was her name? [Click, click]

M: Marie Kondo.

P: Marie Kondo yeah! Laugh. The Marie Kondo effect.

M: De-cluttering, yep.

P: And getting rid of those what they call psychosocial stresses, enabling yourself to be part of – to eliminate social instabilities, things that are distressing to you. Try and minimise those in the home.

M: I think that’s a really good point, because if you don’t have a lot of money a lot of times… And when I was in UNI, I was a lot more materialistic. When you don’t have and you see other people around you who have more than you, I found that I used to buy stuff I didn’t need a lot more often than I do now when I have a full-time job and I’ve been saving for a number of years.

P: Mmm.

M: And now I’m really finding the mental health benefits of being a bit more minimalistic in what I have in my home.

P: Mmm.

M: You have to clean or dust or look after as much. And it’s much easier to come home to a house that you can be proud of that isn’t cluttered.

P: Mmm. And you could also invite other people into which, again, that increases social connection.

M: Yep.

P: Yeah. So, in summary, we’re going to wrap it up. Looking after the social environment and the physical environment around you and in your local area is actually a real key to happiness. So, if you’re not happy with your current neighbourhood environment, maybe this is your chance to do one activity to try and bring that into a better space or an easier space for you to be a part of where you can experience better happiness.

M: What I love about we’ve spoken about tonight is that you can take control.

P: Mmm.

M: So, if you are in lockdown right now, a lot of things have been taken out of our control. So, particularly with working out of your own home, minimalising, decluttering or bringing some greenery in, you can control all of that right now and then maybe when we’re out of lockdown or if you’re not in lockdown currently, getting a crew together to work on your neighbourhood is such a valuable and joyful thing to do.

P: Yeah, very much so. And on that note, have a happy week.

M: Bye.

[Happy exit music – background]

M: Thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast and remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, where you can also send in questions or propose a topic.

P: And if you like our little show, we would absolutely love for you to leave a comment or rating to help us out.

M: Until next time.

M & P: Choose happiness.

[Exit music fadeout]

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Are Strong Friendships the Answer to Your Covid Woes?

by

Why Strong Friendships are Even More Important Right Now

Whether you’re in lockdown for the first time or the fifth, or you’re hanging out for a holiday or just a break from the monotony, people all around the world are struggling with Covid and its impacts on our mental health. But there is a simple, science-backed solution to help you regain your resilience and bring happiness back into your life… reach out to your friends. 

A good friend will support you through bad times, boost your confidence, keep your secrets and enrich your life for the better. It’s not about always being there but being there when it counts. They will teach you about yourself and challenge you to be the best version of yourself. They will laugh and cry with you and love you even at your worst. A good friend is not perfect, but hey, neither are you! 

According to Lydia Denworth, author of Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond, a quality friendship must at a minimum have these three attributes: 

  • It’s a stable, longstanding bond;  
  • It’s positive; and  
  • It’s cooperative—it’s helpful, reciprocal, I’m there for you, you’re there for me. 

International Friendship Day

It has always been advantageous to forge strong, mutually beneficial relationships with others. Yet friendships are often overlooked and under-nurtured – particularly in today’s world where it’s easy to like a social media post and think you’ve had a meaningful interaction (FYI – you haven’t).  

Every year, the world celebrates International Friendship Day on 30 July and this year (2021) marks the tenth anniversary. This day was created by the United Nations in the hopes of uniting people and bridging the gaps between race, gender, religion, and other factors that keep people apart. Governments, and other organisations worldwide are encouraged to use this day to promote friendship through listening, communication, expression of feelings and emotions and teaching the foundations of good friendships. Which begs the question, what can we doing to strengthen our friendships? 

Today, with the constant influx of information coming at us from all sides, things are stressful enough. Add in Covid and more lockdowns and it is not a wonder that mental health issues are on the rise. So, what can you do to strengthen those friendships, be good role modals for younger generations and maintain your mental wellbeing during Covid, lockdowns and other tough times? Read on to find out! 

3 Benefits of Strong Friendships 

Friends Are Good for Your Physical Health 

Having a strong circle of friends around you has been proven to decrease feelings of loneliness and also increases your longevity. According to a 2010 study by Live Science, people with strong social connections increased their odds of survival, over a certain time period, by 50 per cent. People with strong social support also have a reduced risk of many significant health problems including diabetes, stroke, high blood pressure and an unhealthy body mass index (BMI). 

Friends Help Build Your Confidence 

A good friend will cheer on your successes and encourage you to do your best. Everyone has self-doubts and insecurities every now and then and that’s why having supporting and loving friends can give you that boost when you need it. A friend can give you praise and reassurance to build your self-esteem and allow you to grow and in turn help others with their confidence issues. 

Friends Help You Beat Stress 

Stressful events are often a part of life, but the good news is research has shown how strong friendships can help you through. Having a good friend in times of high stress is invaluable to you both. You can listen, share, cry and commiserate together. You can be each other’s sounding board and try to work it out together. Knowing that you have someone around that has your back no matter what, can be all you need to beat that stress. 

A 2019 study by Harvard Medical School, revealed that people who have close social connections, have reduced levels of Cortisol (stress hormone) release. Further study suggests that caring behaviours trigger the release of stress-reducing hormones such as Oxytocin, lowering blood pressure and strengthening the immune system.  

Building Strong Friendships 

A good friendship can do so much for us, but what can we do to strengthen those bonds and create new and rewarding friendships? Many of us were brought up with certain values like respect, kindness and honesty, but were we taught to value friendship? How did we miss such a vital life skill that can elevate so much in a person’s life? The good news is it’s never too late to forge a knew friendship, deepen an existing one or even rekindle an old one.  

Here are some great ideas and activities you can do to help strengthen old friendships and create new ones: 

  • Call, video chat or dare I say it, go old-school and catch-up in person with your friends. Let them know how important they are to you and how you appreciate their friendship. 
  • Invite the neighbours or your work colleagues over for afternoon tea, a chat, drinks, or a barbeque. You never know where you’ll find your next best friend. 
  • Get creative. A handmade gift speaks volumes, and your friends will appreciate the time and effort you put into making something for them. 
  • Plan a special day or activity with your friend. It could be spending time at a spa, doing some retail therapy, or going for a walk in the park.  
  • Send a card or letter to let someone know that you’re thinking about them. Sometimes a surprise on a random day can be that much more rewarding. 
  • Bake or cook a meal for a friend or neighbour and drop it off, nothing says ‘I love you’ more than good food! 
  • Google ‘Love Languages” with your friend and work out each other’s love languages. Then you can know how best to show your friend how much they mean to you. 

Whether you’re celebrating International Friendship Day or just any day, remember that true friendship can last a lifetime and needs to be nurtured.  

Listen to our podcast: All About the 5 Love Languages (E30) 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!