Unapologetically Marie

Writer, podcaster, mental health advocate

Happiness Blog

Exercise Makes You Happy (E13)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast – episode 13

In episode 13, Pete and Marie discuss the science behind why exercise makes you happy and some recent studies about the benefits of exercise. They also offer a range of tips to help with motivation and to get some exercise into your life if you’re on lock-down.

Things we Talked About on This Episode

In case you also wanted to mental image of Aerobics Oz Style 🙂

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton. I’m a writer and speaker focused on change and resilience. My co-host is Peter.

P: Hi there. I’m Peter I’m an isolated touch person. I’m an organiser of delayed jobs and a watcher of morning television… right now. Each week, we bring you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: And you can send us ideas for people to interview or topics to cover. Or just tell us we’re wrong by going to marieskelton.com/podcast. Also on that…

P: If you’re going to tell Marie she’s wrong, get ready! Get ready for an argument.

M: We welcome being corrected when we’ve made mistakes, Peter! So, so on that site are a whole lot of articles, resources and research and some really practical tips for bringing joy and happiness to your life. So onto today episode, which is all about exercise.

[happy music]

P: I don’t know why, but now I have Aerobics Oz Style running through my head.

M: Haha, Love it.

P: All those women in tight leotards and the strength from the 1980s.

M: We’ll have to put that up on the site so people can look on. And have a laugh actually, which is why we’re here, isn’t it? Alright. So today we’re talking about exercise and its impact on health and happiness. When I say health I mean mental health. There’s a whole lot of research into the physiological and physical health benefits of exercise, but we’re going to focus on how it can make us happier.

P: We all know exercising is great for our mood and everything, but what about our wellbeing in our mental state? According to science, that is, I was actually quite impressed with some of the research that was going on here and some of my ideas that I always held to be true were kind of challenged, which is kind of a nice point about going in and looking at science, because it’s all about the science, isn’t it Marie? We don’t just go believing

M: Of course, and we are here to break down mental barriers and limiting beliefs and all those things that our parents and grandparents instilled in us, and society instilled in us. And there’s one in particular that I’m really excited to talk about today, and it is this assumption that exercise is a burden to bear, and I think unless you were in the 15 or 10% of people who were naturally athletic and were picked on the school teams first and all the rest of it. It really has been a challenge to enjoy exercise for a lot of people. So, I want to go…

P: True I deal with this a lot with my client base.  

M: So I really want to go through a lot of science. I’m excited to talk through that, but also, I really want to challenge us to start thinking about exercise in a very different way. And hopefully the science will help people to reframe it in their minds. So another reason that I’m very excited to be talking about exercise at the moment, apart from being one of those people that has just naturally being a bit of an athlete, in my life, is that it’s so relevant for us being stuck at home at the moment.

There is also a huge danger right now with a lot of people, firstly all of a sudden losing all incidental exercise. So, we’re no longer walking to the bus stop and then walking to the office, and going downstairs for a coffee, and running up the road to pick up some groceries and getting lunch at the cafe, all of that incidental walking and movement is now pretty much gone. I know I walk about six steps to get from my desk to the bathroom and about 10 steps to get to the kitchen nowadays. So just the little movement that all adds up is absent from a lot of people’s days now and then. Secondly, the bigger exercise routines just completely destroyed. Gyms are closed, sports teams aren’t playing at the moment, so I think, focusing on exercises topical at the moment. So, let’s look at the science Pete, I’m going to throw to you. Tell me the science!

P: Oh, wow, look at me getting all scientific! I’m going to start off from the Latin “Mens sana in corpore sano”, a sound mind is a sound body. So, there’s always been the link between mental health and exercise and movement right through the ages. exercise has a link to a mental wellbeing. Primarily through neurotransmitters. The big street dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine. They’re the happy drugs. They’re the things that make us feel joyful. They are present when we exercise, and they increase in their production when we move our bodies and we do exercise. So, the other thing that these neurotransmitters do is that they block pain. The neurotransmitters when they’re present in the synapse, which is the gap between the different nerve endings that forms the connection’s back to the brain. When those three big neurotransmitters are in a lot of amount, in that synapse, it blocks the pain signal from reaching the brain. So, we effectively don’t feel pain…

M: while we’re doing exercise?

P: whilst and for a certain period of time afterwards. Because those neurotransmitters are present in the nerve synapse for a period after we finish exercise as well. So that joy of actually moving in exercising does las after you finished the actual activity, you get that lovely flush of going. I feel great, which usually means that you move a little bit more, which then creates more neurotransmitters, so it’s a self-sustaining cycle.

M: Nice. So, apart from it, making you feel good. It also stops you from feeling bad, which I think is really interesting. There is a study that I did want to talk about on the topic of depression and really interesting, because it came from our very own Black Dog Institute here in Australia when they collaborated with universities and health institutes from the UK, Australia and Norway. They did a study on about 34,000 Norwegian adults who will followed over a period of 11 years.

M: Now, as far as studies go, that is huge, right? 11 years, 34,000 people. And the great news out of that study was that they found that as little as one hour of exercise each week, regardless of intensity, helps to prevent depression. You only need a very little amount of exercise, and it can have really positive benefits. So, not only are you getting all of the wonderful natural chemicals flowing through your body, but also if you’re prone to depression or in situations that might lead you to depression, a little bit of exercise can help you to avoid falling down that path.

P: Well, it’s interesting because I’ve always intrinsically known this. I’ve always known that moving around getting out into the sunshine or doing an activity helps with your feelings of anxiety and stress. It was very interesting for me going into the research of it and seeing exactly why, in the study that Samuel Harvey talks about with the Black Dog Institute is that people who have not exercised at all – so sedentary individuals – if they do that 1 to 2 hours, they have a huge exponential increase in wellbeing. What we know is if you move, if you’re active, it helps.

M: Absolutely. And there’s more intricacies when it comes to intensity, isn’t there Pete?

P: Definitely. And this is something that I want to mention. University of Connecticut talks about the research that they took on with the benefits of moderate exercise versus intensity of exercise. Again, taking athletes as opposed to sedentary people. If you’re a huge exercise, vigorous activity person and you’re going out there and your go-to mechanism of dealing with issues off stress or anxiety is to go and hit it hard in the gym, you may actually be doing yourself a disservice. So, you’ve gotta watch that in terms of what sort of personality that you are. If you’re a person that site on the couch all day, get up and go for a walk. That moderate level of exercise has huge benefits for you. If you’re high level athlete and you want to go out and smash yourself on the track, you’re actually better off taking the pedal off and going for a walk in the forest, because it’s that moderate exercise that has more the benefit for your wellbeing in that activation of those happy neurotransmitters rather than introducing other elements such as cortisol into your system, which only creates more adrenal response, and that can create even more the high levels of anxiety.

M: So I think it is worth pointing out. You mentioned depression and anxiety. But there is a bit of contention about anxiety

P: There is, and there is a lot of talk about whether these findings relate to pre and post depression, as opposed to anxiety and what I have gained from the research is that the anxiety levels are unnecessarily affected by this moderate exercise.

M: Yes, it’s also worth pointing out that it was one of the big things when I was reading through all the research that I was keen to understand. Looking at causation and cause and effect, the studies looked at that cause and effect to make sure that happy people don’t just exercise more rather than exercise being the cause of people becoming happier.

P: Absolutely. Yeah, for those of further, it is actually the Hunt Cohort study of October 2017. Samuel B. Harvey in the American Journal of Psychiatry. One of their conclusions that they give and I’m going to read this out quoted it, is that “Given that the intensity of exercise does not appear to be important, it may be that the most effective public health measures are those that encourage and facilitate increased levels of everyday activities, such as walking or cycling. The results presented in this study provide a strong argument in favour of further exploration of exercise as a strategy for the prevention of depression.”

So again, it’s just reinforcing that gentle exercise, walking, cycling, going forest bathing — which is a thing – these are good things that can really help in terms of accessing that wellbeing aspect, and that feel good experience.

M: Yeah, absolutely. It doesn’t necessarily track with the physical sciences, which say that high intensity is better for you from a cardio point of view. But if we’re talking mental health, then absolutely the science is showing to be pretty clear on this. All right, so, back to what we’re talking about at the beginning here. So exercise, definitely a law research shows that it has positive mental outcomes, and our listeners and ourselves at the moment are all in this high risk situation of not only not doing enough exercise but actually doing far less exercise and potentially not really knowing how to fix that. So I know for me when I am into week four of self-isolating and my first week was a shocker. So, for me, I normally, my routine in the mornings, I sit down and do some writing. Then I get myself ready for work, and I’ve got a good 30-minute walk through the city to get to my office. And then in the evenings, I’ve got volleyball, or I’ve got a regular gym routine as well, and all of that stopped. And so the first week, I got up and did my writing. And then I just switched laptops. I moved my personal laptop over and brought work laptop in front of me on. I worked on. I got up to pee, and I went to the kitchen at lunch. Apart from that, I turned around and I’d done 12 hours of sitting and again it’s at a laptop, not in front of a screen, so my neck and my shoulders were tight and tense, and I did that for five days straight. But I have become far more aware of that really bad behaviour. They say that sitting for prolonged periods of times is as bad as smoking 15 cigarettes. That’s how bad it is for you.

P: I feel like I’m on rote here. Because this is a conversation I have very often with so many of my clients and trying to get some office workers to do the most basic movement patterns outside of sitting at the desk top from getting on the bus and going in the car. It’s like pulling teeth sometimes. So my clients, you know who you are. I’m talking to you. Points coming out… right… Schedule it, make a schedule, make a plan, get in your diary and put down an hour. Put it aside where you’re going to do some movement doesn’t have to be big movement. It doesn’t have to be going to the gym. It could be playing with the dog and the kids, getting on the jungle gym and going for a couple of swings on the trapeze. That’s movement. It’s exercise, so it’s really important to schedule that in and keep to it. Make sure that nothing interrupts that time. If Grandma calls, tell her to hang up and call you back later. That’s your time. It’s your time to move. The other thing is making it accessible. Have it near you? If you’re going to do something, it’s no good if it’s 30 minutes away, because it’s too easy for you to go “Oh, it’s too hard to get there.” Make sure you have it close to you. And if that means it’s close to work or it’s close to home where you spend most of your day, it’s got to be accessible on. That’s a really important tip for making sure that you keep to your schedule. Prepare pack your God damn gym bag. Take it with you. Put a talent, put a put a snack and put a chocolate bar in that you’re going to give to yourself that the end of your 20 minute run. If that’s what you need to motivate yourself. If it’s a cherry ripe, have a few cares as long as you’re preparing yourself because that’s setting up process and it’s setting up routine on you’ll be thinking of that chocolate bar all the way throughout the day gone, I’m going to have a Cherry Ripe at the end of my 20-minute run. It’s going to motivate you

M: I love Cheery Ripes!

P: There you go. You can see that reaction is what we’re after.

M: It’s… by the way, it’s an Australian treat that no one else around the world actually even likes, like musk sticks… very Australian. We grew up on them as kids. And Americans if you feed them musk sticks, they think we’re weird. They taste like chalk to them

P: Bahahaa

M: Complete side bar, by the way. So, let’s get back away from treats and back to exercise.

P: Oh, now I feel like Iced Vovos and a cup of tea. [laughs] Make it social! Which is really hard at the moment because we’re not allowed to make its social, and I think this is one of the big impacts that we’re experiencing.

M: No, I call … not B-S… but I have a solution. I have a colleague of mine who is zooming their exercise, so she does exercise with a group of friends at the gym normally, and now they’re zooming. So they’re doing zoom exercise sessions, and it’s actually making them a bit more connected, and it’s holding them to account to actually do it.

P: That’s my whole point is if you can use what you can to make it social, so even if we’re not in the same location. Setting each other goals is another good one. So I’m going to say to Marie, right, we’re going to 100 push ups. I’m going to post my 100 push ups on Facebook Messenger with you on, that’s going to pressure you to match me for those 100 push ups. So that’s another way of sharing the load or making a social, make it again competition.

M: Peeeete! That was my tip. That’s in my column.

P: Oh, did I steal from you? My bad oh dear.

M: Yeah yeah yeah, like you care.

P; So sad. Hahaha

M: OK OK. What else have you got? Then it’s my turn.

P: No, no, no I’ll throw to you here, Marie, I’ll let you take over from there. I did want to say that you know, self help gurus, motivational coaches all support that when we’re mentally exhausted, were stressed or fatigue, one of the best things that you could do is change your physical state. And if that means getting up, putting on a sarong and a hula hoop and dancing around to Kylie Minogue in your underwear, I say, go for it.

M: Haha, of course, you do. So, moving onto my tips. I did want to mention make it a goal, so it is really hard at times to motivate yourself to get up and do what you know you should do. But if you’ve got a holiday that you want to go on, if you want to go climb the Leaning Tower of Pisa or you will not go hike Machu Picchu, you picture there’s a great types of goals or, you know, why not Everest? You know, shoot for the moon, right? But it takes discipline and dedication to being fit and building your strength and resilience to get to that point. And they’re great goals to have. So they’re even better than just a bit of competitiveness between friends. If that’s what motivates you, that that’s what motivates you. Secondly, I think going back to what was saying at the beginning of the episode, I really would love people to change their mindset about exercise from it being a chore to being a form of self-care a year.

If you take the time to put on makeup before you go to work, or to get your hair coloured and cut, or just cut, or to iron your shirt or have a bath every now and then, or you spoil yourself with a glass of wine, you should be spoiling yourself with exercise. Yeah, and if we can start to shift mindsets, we might start to make a dent in this obesity epidemic that we’re seeing sweep the world as well. The great thing

P: I support your viewpoint, making it, making it fun. Finding something that you enjoy is one of the big things that my clients about it. So, I’m not going to make you run five KMs if you hate running. Let’s find something you enjoy doing. I remember for one of my clients it was salsa dancing. That’s perfect, I said let’s send you to ballroom classes. Let’s find something local that’s got salsa and off she went, and she’s been doing it for a year and loves it right.

M: There is something out there for everyone. And that’s where I think a lot of us, were just burned by PE and by gyms, gyms are not for everyone. If you want to up your incidental exercise, you can try doing with a gardening if you’ve got a backyard, maybe starting your days with a bit of yoga. If you can put YouTube on your phone or on your TV in the morning and do a little bit of stretching and core work. That’s a great way to start your day and something that I’ve been doing it at lunch times is a short, sharp, 20-minute high intensity interval training. So “hiit” work out. So you can get a really good hard work out in before you your lunch. And then the last thing, I want to leave you with is that one of the things to remember is that going for walk counts as exercise. It’s also free doesn’t require special equipment. You can do it with a friend. And also, there’s additional research out there about the positive psychological benefits of being outdoors. So, you can kill three positive psychological birds with one stone. You get the social element, the exercise element and the outdoors element.

So that’s all I wanted to leave you with today. Thank you for joining us, and if you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast, or even better, share it with your friends.

30-Day Happiness Challenge

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How to Rewire Your Brain to Bring More Happiness Into Your Life

We’re all living through unique and challenging times right now. To make matters worse, a lot of our stresses are completely out of our control.

But there are certain things that are 100 per cent within your control and you can do to build your resiliency and happiness.

Follow the 30-day Happiness Challenge and Rewire Your Brain to Bring More Happiness Into Your Life!

The challenge is divided into activities under the three resiliency and happiness foundations: purpose, social connection and healthy mind and body. If any activity doesn’t speak to you, try to replace it with a similar activity that motivated you.

Before you get started:

  • You’ve got to be all in! It’s only 30 days, and what if it works? Go on, commit and see where it will take you.
  • Prepare to set aside time each day to complete your activity in a mindful, distraction-free way.
  • Plan ahead. Take a look at the activities for the upcoming week so you can plan anything that needs planning. Set things up in your diary early to lock it in.
  • Do it with a friend! Find a friend to complete the challenge with, and you can hold each other accountable.
  • Need inspiration? Click on the links if you want more help, ideas or explanations.

Start the 30-day Happiness Challenge now!

Day 1 – Plan a dinner date with a friend or loved one

Day 2 – No sugar day

Day 3 – Start a gratitude journal

Day 4 – Set aside time to find flow

Day 5 – Call your Mum or a sibling for a chat

Day 6 – Go for a 30-minute walk with a friend or family

Day 7 – Rest and relax

Day 8 – Learn something new – try a podcast, book or Ted Talk

Day 9 – Organise a dinner party

Day 10 – Drink 8 glasses of water

Day 11 – Write in your gratitude journal

Day 12 – Bring awe into your life

Day 13 – Hug a pet, partner or friend

Day 14 – Go to bed 1 hour earlier

Day 15 – Sit outside in nature for 30 minutes

Day 16 – Write in your gratitude journal

Day 17 – Practice kindness or help a friend or neighbour

Day 18 – Get 30+ minutes of exercise

Day 19 – Write in your gratitude journal

Day 20 – Set aside time to find flow

Day 21 – Grab a drink or meal with a work colleague

Day 22 – No processed foods, only fresh foods

Day 23 – Take a social media detox. Turn off all notifications.

Day 24 – Learn something new – try a podcast, book or Ted Talk

Day 25 – Plan your next holiday with family or a friend

Day 26 – Do 30-minutes of stretching

Day 27 – Write in your gratitude journal

Day 28 – Practice positive solitude

Day 29 – Practice kindness or help a friend or neighbour

Day 30 – Go for a 30-minute walk with a friend or family

Follow our 30-day happiness challenge to bring more happiness into your life today!

Tell us in the comments what activities do you do that help you to bring happiness into your life!

Don’t forget to subscribe for our monthly newsletter for more tips, freebies and subscriber only content!

Self-Compassion and Being Kind to Yourself (E12)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast – episode 12

Self-compassion is about being aware of your self-talk and learning to be kinder to yourself. You may be surprised at the sorts of thing you say to yourself when you’re not paying attention!

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker, focused on change and resilience. My co-host is Peter.

P: Hi there, I’m Peter Furness and I’m a manipulator of sore points, pusher of positivity and ‘movement prescriptor.’ Each week we bring you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology otherwise known as happiness. Marie has a blog.

M: Sure do, so you can find all of these episodes as well as a lot of other resources and information at @marieskelton.com. So on to today’s episode, which is all about self-compassion.

[Happy music]

M: So today we’re going to talk about the importance of self-compassion. So Pete, can you help our listeners understand what we’re talking about here?

P: Self-compassion is the relationship of the self, let’s turn inward for a moment shall we.

M: This is going to be a fun episode [laugh].

P: It’s about self-talk, it’s about the friendship that you have with yourself. And it’s more than just being positive. It’s about understanding the relationship between negative and positive self-talk, and how we reinforce negative behaviours within ourselves. Being kind to yourself and having the ability to not judge yourself is really a prime issue around self-compassion.

M: Now, I think that from a cynics point of view, this is gonna be gold, [Laugh] because there are a lot of people out there who just want to say to millennials in particular suck it up, buttercup, right and get on with your life. And we never had this self-care, positive movement thing going on.

P: It was something for the hippies in the 60’s.

M: Not even that, they just took drugs and got on with life, right?

[Laughter]

M: So we are smack bang in the middle of what this podcast is all about. It’s breaking down the preconceived ideas about some of these positive psychology ideas. So really keen to understand the research behind this one. Definitely.

P: I think a big thing about it is that it’s not to be dismissive. Self-talk can be damaging. We can’t just dismiss this as little thoughts that we don’t listen to, because that’s really not dealing with the problem. Self-talk is there. It is something to be aware of. Those voices in your head, you should be listening to them and more importantly, we should be understanding why they’re there. Giving them some space and diving into that space and looking at it objectively, not judgmentally.

M: Yeah, and I think it’s also really important to say that we’re talking about people who are still in a healthy frame of mind and ,lot of people who’ve been on the flip side of mental health and who have suffered depression or who have ongoing chronic levels of depression, it can be really harmful to say to say to someone who’s struggling, you know, just think positively.

P: Yeah, just be cheery.

M: So we’re talking about how people who are in a healthy enough state of mind motivate themselves and how they get the best out of themselves in their life. And it’s worth saying that these practises can be helpful for people who perhaps are on the far deeper end of the spectrum. But they’re not, they’re not going to solve deep rooted issues.

P: No, that’s for others.

M: So, looking back in your life, have you had any moments where you had a lot of negative self-talk?

P: [Laughter] where do I begin… OK opening the Pandora’s Box. Self-criticism, it comes from many different places, and I think for myself, bless my lovely Mother. She was the eldest of 12 children in the outback of Australia. So Mom was the home care taker, she was in charge, looking after these kids when they were still having rations from the Second World War. They didn’t have a fridge, all that sort of stuff. So Mums upbringing and her introduction to ‘suck it up buttercup’, that was pretty strong in those days. Now she passed that onto us, me and my sister in different ways, and that’s self-criticism comes out from those childhood experiences sometimes. So what I picked up on that judgmental, suck it up, just get on with it, be tough, kind of mentality and that was really from my mom, bless her. Being aware of that, coming to that in a separate point in my life, I had to reflect on some of that and it’s interesting that that didn’t happen with me until much later it wasn’t until I got out of University that I really started looking at what those thoughts and processes were and how they came up. And being a… involved in a competitive field like dance, I came to dance late. All these kids had done ballet for 20 years before I even did my first class. So there was a lot of ways, one the coping mechanisms of getting through that was to convince myself you’re not good enough. You’ve got to work harder now That works to a certain point because it motivates you, use you a little bit of a kick up the arse and makes you drive hard. When you’re feeling a bit sorry for yourself. It’s like No, suck it up, get in there and keep going. Now that can be really positive but the damaging thing is when you learn those behaviours and you apply it to every situation. And I think that’s where it turns negative.

M: Yep, I think for me I had very similar thoughts going through my head when I went to the A.I.S., which is Australian Institute of Sport for overseas listeners. So I, like you, came to volleyball late, I first touched a volleyball when I was 14 and very quickly went from there to making the school team and making our state team and then being selected for a national junior team and then being offered the chance to train with the senior national team at A.I.S. and I had only been playing for less than a year.

P: wow

M: So coaches obviously saw raw talent and brought me in and the second I got there, I was so out of my league, [Laughter] I was so bad, so rather than a fight to be better mentality. I just constantly felt like I was letting the team down. I just didn’t cope. So I had this huge impostor syndrome and I look back now and I think I had the skill, but with a different mindset I could have taken that as a learning opportunity. I had grace and acceptance from the coaches, not necessarily from my teammates, but definitely I look back at the wasted opportunity that that was for me because of my negative self-talk and the fact that I did everything possible just not to get in everyone’s way and didn’t take that with two hands and run with it. So let’s talk about the research.

P: Of course, It’s all about research on this podcast. Everything has to be backed up scientifically.

M: [Laughter] Also self-compassion, It’s a bit wishy washy. We are talking about things that people just will flat out say they don’t believe in.

P: Absolutely. The word compassion immediately brings to mind images of Monks in robes and the Dalai Lama and all this negative stuff and it’s easy to just go, yeah not for me thanks.

M: Yeah

P: It’s an immediate block and I think that’s the big issue sometimes in turning it on, turning that term self-compassion on yourself. You’ve got to look back on you and be willing to go into that space all right, let’s look at this. Let’s really spend time self-analysing and really go internal for a while and for a lot of people that’s way to confronting.

M: Yeah, but I think the important thing is, do you want to be happy? That’s really what we’re talking about here and for some people who are used to self-analysing and who are very open with sharing their emotions and analysing their blockers and understanding their issues for someone who is completely shut off to that, they can want to be happy but have never have delved into that other side of the emotions.

So this could be a really hard things to, to start to do. But really, it comes down to just being more self-aware.

P: Yes, that’s part of it. Definitely.

M: Yeah, so let’s, let’s have a look at some of the research. Maybe we can sway some of the cynics out there. 

[Laughter]

P: So it’s interesting that you bring up a sports reference Marie because the first piece of research I’ve got is actually from Dr. Christopher M. Carr, “Sport Psychology: Psychologic Issues and Applications (Physical Medicine & Rehabilitation Clinics of North America, 2006). Who’s a psychologist for sports such as the NBA and the NFL in America-

M: – oh, is that all…

[Laughter]

P: He wrote an article in 2006 Psychologic Issues and Applications, and he talks about athletes engaging in negative self-talk. So you see a player who’s frustrated, angry, anxious on court on the field they can’t get it right. They go into that negative space where they’re berating themselves. I’m thinking of tennis players here, like it’s the Nick Curious’s, even the Andre Agassi, when he was in his younger bouffant hair days, he went into those potholes of anger and frustration and yelling and stuff.

M: Mmm Hmm

P: What Carr talks about is that these emotional states that we get into challenge our breathing, they increase our muscular tension and they create a loss of concentration and focus. All of these factors results in a lowering of performance.

M: So I guess what we’re saying here is the emotional impact of that negative self- talk has a physiological impact that for athletes is really critical.

P: Yeah, if you can’t breathe, you can’t perform, you need that.

M: Yep

P: So Carr goes on to talk about the flip side of that talking about an athletes self-talk, being positive and relevant and he says that the resulting emotional experience at this stage is one of relaxation calmness, feeling centred. As a result, this turns good performance into a positive and increases your performing ability.

M: I guess for me, as an athlete, if you’re not feeling confident. How do you pretend to be confident?

P: Fake it ‘til you make it [laugh].

M: Is that what the research is showing here I guess.

P: Exactly, it’s about accessing that mindset, how do I calm myself down, bring myself back to my focus so I can control my breathing and then from there, from there come at the point, the game from a different perspective.

M: I’ll move on to some more research here, and I’m interested in how it applies to a work scenario as well [be]cause not all of us are athletes. There’s a book called ‘How We Work’, written by researcher and author Leah Weiss, and she talks about how again negative self-talk doesn’t help us and can actually make things worse. The research shows that self-criticism is linked to depression, loss of self-esteem, negative perfectionism, procrastination and rumination. And some might say that it helps them to be better and keep striving for excellence. But the research actually shows that it’s likely to compromise your goals and undermine your efforts in all aspects of life, from academic or health related efforts to personal or professional.

So again, it’s important to be able to reflect on what it is that you’re not confident or comfortable about

P: Yeah

M: and then be able to take the resulting negative self-talk and actively try and combat that.

P: I think the interesting part of that is undermining your efforts I think that for me really resonates because it’s subtle little changes that goes with that negative self-talk that is ultimately, it doesn’t create massive cheats in terms of your work performance but it undermines you and that’s not great for when you’re trying to deal with negotiations and trying to deal with, with different people in high tense situations where you’re making calculated decisions, you need to feel confident and in that way I think it does relate to the sport experience. You need to be in control and feel secure.

M: Yep, and there’s a whole body of research right now and a shift in thinking in corporate world’s about psychological safety and the importance of psychological safety. It’s a hot topic of the moment, and really, what we’re saying is it’s about everyone feeling that they have a role to play in the team and that they’re valued for their role and what they do in the team and it’s really tough if you don’t feel valued to then go out and perform your job and stop yourself from getting into that negative self-talk.

P: Absolutely

M: You know, [that] situation that means that you have to then focus on the positive self-talk. Now some of it can be grounded in real life. You might have some horrible colleagues.

[Laughter]

M: and they might not like you, right.

[Laughter]

M: And then it’s about fighting with yourself to be comfortable with your own self value and self-worth. And then other times it’s purely in your own head and that’s the other thing that you need to reflect on I think.

P: Being positive with that that state is again coming back to what we were talking about earlier. Have you done the investment? Having spent some time doing some self-reflection, and I think that those cynics out there who just dismiss it, and that was my Mum, emotions didn’t matter. One of her great quotes is ‘stress wasn’t around when I was young.’

M: [Laugh] See these are the people that we’re doing this podcast for.

P: Absolutely, yeah. ‘Don’t believe in stress doesn’t exist’ and she’s probably the most stressed out person I know.

[Laughter]

P: Poor Mum, I’m giving her a bit of a bashing here. [Laugh]

M: Your Mum I think is more indicative of an entire older generation who were taught that way.

P: Absolutely yes.

So practising self-compassion. Let’s bring it back.

M: So what, what are we talking about? What is practising self-compassion?

P: I think it’s different for every individual, but I think there’s some broad terms we can bring to the conversation and those are a combination of mindful awareness, self-kindness and a recognition about common humanity.

M: What, we’re all human and make mistakes. Is that what we’re talking about?

P: Essentially yes, not being too judgemental, understanding when someone has made a mistake and also taking responsibility for that. Putting your hand up and going ‘oh whoops, I did wrong.’

M: But then letting it go.

P: Exactly, yes and that’s the judgmental part coming into it. Trying not to be too judgemental. When you’re doing that self-reflection, it’s really important about not being too hard on yourself. Give yourself a break, give yourself some love. Be that understanding person that pat’s you on the shoulder and says “it’s OK”.

[Laughter]

M: So if you find yourself in a negative frame of mind and you want to work on some self-compassion. We’ve got three tips that you can try to put into practise.

Firstly, start journaling. So the first step to better understanding yourself and your negative self-talk is to fully grasp what’s going on. Take a couple of weeks and every evening, reflect on the day, and write down your negative and positive self-talk throughout the day.

Secondly, have a look at that over time. So once you’ve done your two weeks, have a look at all the things that you’ve been saying to yourself, find some patterns in there if you can and find what it is in your past that has led to this moment. Why are you saying these negative things to yourself?

Thirdly, once you’ve identified what it is you’re saying, why it is you’re saying it. Your job is to then give yourself some positive affirmations that you can use to combat the negative self-talk.

So once you’re aware of the problem, you’ve then got to shift your behaviour. So write down 2 to 3 things that will combat the negative things you’ve been saying. And every morning before you leave the house or if you’re walking in to work I want you to say these things out loud to yourself and keep up the journaling if you can, so that you can see whether you’re making any changes over time. So they’re the three things you can do to help get started on being more compassionate to yourself.

P: Another tip that I love and this is a bit of a creative one. I call it using the Dragon.

M: OK… I’m intrigued.

P: We’re going to go a bit linear on this one. Externalising the self. So have a conversation with yourself. But externalise it. So for me it came when my father passed away. I was having anxious moments after the funeral and so forth, getting through the grieving process and I invented a dragon and my little dragon sat in the top left corner of my room. And whenever I started to feel emotional or upset, I would reference the top left corner of my room and see my purple dragon and I’d have a little conversation with him. Now not everybody is going to be buying into this, this is all very creative, but for me –

M: – This is why you’re on this podcast with me. It balances us out.

P: [Laugh]!

M: Not to take anything away from any coping mechanism that helps someone deal with grief. I’m not making light of that at all, but I probably wouldn’t invent a dragon that’s all.

[Laughter]

P: It really helped me, it really helped me calm my breathing, bring myself back to centre and come at the situation at hand from a different perspective, because I felt like I had that buddy, that little guardian angel, that little totem, whatever it is a spirit guide some people might use all those sorts of things are valid because they’re helping it to externalise issue, and sometimes we can’t deal with it all by ourselves. And sometimes you need that little spirit guide or that somebody else that is going to go ‘You know what, it’s OK, let’s try this one’.

M: Yep. So essentially, what we’re saying is it’s about treating yourself like you treat your friends. You never say to your friends ‘you’re really not that intelligent are you Pete.’

P: [Laughter]

M: ‘How have you gotten through life so far?’

P: [Still Laughing]

M: So why do we think it’s okay to say it to ourselves? It really is crazy. If you were to write town and say aloud what we say to ourselves and say it to another person you never would absolutely would never say to someone’s face.

P: Sometimes it’s good to write those negative things down when you’re in that space because when you come back to it and go ‘Oh my god, did I really say that about myself, do I really hate myself that much.

M: Yep and I think that is the beauty of all this. Is that, you’re getting more of an understanding of yourself as a person and be kind, be kind to others, be kind to yourself. OK

We’re done for today. So thank you for joining us. If you want to hear more please remember to subscribe and like this podcast.

P: Until next time be kind to yourself. Bye

M: I think Ellen’s already got that one.

P: [Laugh] Oh, d’oh.

M: Yeah, you can’t take that. So… don’t be kind to yourself…?

P: [Laugh] No that doesn’t work…

[Laughter]

M: Bye

P: See ya

3 Common Pitfalls of Working From Home

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The Common Pitfalls of Working From Home

1. There Are no Boundaries

When we start doing our work at home, it can become harder to see the boundaries between work and home. It’s all too easy to just check a few emails when you get up. Before you know it, it’s mid-morning and you haven’t had breakfast and you’re still in your PJs. Or even worse, you get to the evening and realise you’ve worked a 12 hour day without really moving!

Try: Set start and finish times for your work day, and stick by them. Plan activities immediately before and after your work hours so you have an excuse to not be online.

2. You’re Not Set up For Success

I have seen a huge increase in meetings since my office moved to virtual working, and I’m sometimes asked to attend 8-hours or more of meetings each day! This means I can struggle to find time to pee let alone to eat or move. That’s not healthy and it’s not sustainable.

Try: I’ve had to set up my work calendar to block my lunchbreak, and two 15-minute breaks so I’m not on calls all day. And I made a point now of not movig them for anyone! Be OK with saying “can we make that a 15 minute call instead of 30?” or “no, that will have to wait until tomorrow.”

3. You Forget to Move

Have you cut out nearly all incidental movement from your day? When we worked in offices, we used to walk to and from the car park or bus/train stop. We would pop downstairs for a coffee mid-morning and head out to the shops for lunch. Now that we’re working from home and self-isolating, we’re spending huge amounts of time sitting — which is as bad as smoking 15 cigarettes a day!

Try: Pick a few meetings throughout the day with close teammates or where you only have to listen (not write). Turn off your video and stand up for the entire call. If you can, stretch and march on the spot during that call.

Maintaining Your Balance

If you’re new to working from home it’s easy to fall into these 3 common pitfalls of working from home. But the key to maintaining your happiness and mental wellbeing is to find balance across three foundations: meaning and purpose; community and connection and healthy mind and body.

It’s a stressful and anxious enough time right now without introducing new bad habits into your weekly schedule, but unfortunately, recent changes in our working environments coupled with self-isolation have changed the balance many of us had established in our lives.

Here’s what you need to look out for:

Meaning and purpose: if you have your job, you will probably find that this foundation is still quite strong and no extra effort is required here.

Community and Connection: if you’re self-isolating, then you need to be mindful about reaching out to people and connecting. Try scheduling in video calls with a different friend or family member each weeknight.

Healthy Mind and Body: if you’re working from home all day every day and self-isolating, you need to be more mindful of getting enough exercise.

Luckily, it’s easy enough to set yourself up in a new routine and find balance. For some extra help with how to plan your day to avoid these common pitfalls of working from home, you set up your calendar like I do below.

Notice I schedule a lot of extra exercise and movement times into my day right now, and I’m prioritising calling my friends and family each evening while I’m on a walk.

I also am making sure I stand-up during work calls and march on the spot or stretch when I can.

Common Pitfalls of Working From Home

NOTES:

Life happens, and I don’t always get to everything I mean to in a day. I have no time for guilt, so when that happens, I just try again the next day. Nobody is perfect, but setting the right intentions is half the battle!

To keep things interesting, I am searching YouTube for “HIIT workout at home” and “work-out for beginners” or “workout at home.” I then vary my lunchtime workouts between the high intensity interval training (HIIT) classes and something lighter like Pilates or a lower intensity workout, like this one.

Thriving in the Change Storm

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Thriving in the Change Storm

How to Build Resilience and Happiness

Are you struggling to cope with all the changes that are happening in the world today? Are you wondering about surviving self-isolation? Or how to cope after losing your job or being ‘stood down’ due to Coronavirus?

Have you ever looked at other people and wondered how they seem to move through life without a worry in the world? How are they so happy, and so resilient, when your life feels like it’s falling apart? Why are they surviving self-isolation just fine, while you hate it?

Are you wondering ‘What’s the secret to reducing stress in my life and building resilience?’

The good news is that there’s no secret. There are some easy things you can do to become more resilient, even in today’s crazy, hectic world.

And here’s the best news, along the way you may also reduce your levels of stress and bring happiness and balance in your life!

Get your free guide and workbook to build a happier and more resilient life!

Get your free guide and workbook now!

Your FREE Step-by-Step Guide to Building Mental Strength

The first step to making change in your life is understanding why we do the things we do. Read our guide and do the activities to understand yourself better, then learn what makes some people more resilient than others and how you can make some simple changes in your life to build resiliency.

This research-backed advice will lead to decreased stress, and help you live a happier and more resilient life.

resiliency workbook

Surviving self-isolation? Coping with change? Job loss? We’re all going through the same Change Storm, but no matter what you’re dealing with, this free workbook will help you build a more resilient life!

Simply input your email address and we’ll send you your free copy now!

Subscribe to our newsletter!

Why Should you Listen to me?

Hi, I’m Marie, and change and resiliency are my jam.

I started my career in journalism, working with The Canberra Times and USA Today, before working in public affairs and advising top executives in times of crisis for some of the world’s largest tech and financial services companies, both in Australia and abroad.

I also had a successful volleyball career, representing Australia as a junior and senior, and earning a scholarship to a Division 1 college in Virginia, America, and captaining the NSW Women’s Volleyball team in the Australian Volleyball League.

I thought I had resiliency down pat, but then I had a motorbike accident that nearly took my life and my leg, and my world fell apart. So I began researching how people cope with major life changes to find out why some people are really good at dealing with whatever life throws at them, while others struggle. I have conducted interviews with people all over the world who have been through major change in their lives to find those answers. I am now a mental health advocate and like to share my findings and tools with people around the world.

P.S. That’s you!

Stress Reduction Lessons from Marie Kondo

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Why everything in your home should have a purpose and how to find joy

Have you ever come home from a busy day at work and taken a look at the piles of laundry that need folding, the stacks of papers on the dining room table and the general clutter everywhere and felt your stress levels get even worse? All that clutter and stuff can just seem like a never-ending to-do list that bugs you every time you walk into the house.

Well, you’re not just imagining it, research shows that clutter and mess can really impact our stress levels. Which probably explains the international sensation Marie Kondo, who has helped millions of people tidy up and, in the process, find joy and reduce stress. So what lessons from Marie Kondo can we apply to our own lives?

Recently, I spoke to certified KonMari consultant and founder of Neatly Awesome, Pilar Llorente who is one of only eight certified Konmari consultants in Australia. She says that the things we hold on to often have a deeper meaning in our minds, and that’s why she uses a holistic approach to help clients get rid of clutter and chaos.

Controlling the Chaos

“All that physical clutter becomes mental clutter as well,” says Pilar. “So, if we have things in our homes that we don’t need, use or love, our minds are probably full of those things too.”

According to Pilar, it’s a problem that many people face, and it just snowballs until you feel that you are not in control of your stuff, which is stressful. But when you can go through your stuff and clean not just your physical space but also your mental space, and you focus on what’s really important, it can bring real calm and peace.

In fact, the best part of the Konmari method, according to Pilar is the spiritual and emotional outcomes.

“I remember I had a client, and we were going through the Komono stage [see below] and I said, ‘wow, you have lots and lots of plates.’ She said, ‘Those are for very important people (…) I don’t want to use them every day.’ But then she had a lot of plates that were a bit old and chipped, and I said ‘how would you feel about using your special dinnerware every day?’ And she said, ‘no no no, I’m scared that if use it every day, it may break and all those memories I have will be broken too.’ And I said, ‘the memories will always be there, you don’t need the actual object (…) Imagine if you used that dinnerware every single day, then every single day you will remember all those memories. And don’t you feel special enough to use these every day?’ And her eyes just lit up and she was like ‘OH! You are right!’”

Although there are many lessons from Marie Kondo outlined in her show and her books, here’s a look at 5 steps to get started on your decluttering journey.

Lessons from Marie Kondo: 5 steps to declutter your home and your mind

So, where do you begin when it comes to decluttering your home? There are consultants, like Pilar, who are trained to guide you through what can be a very emotional journey. Alternatively, if you want to go it alone, there are five areas Marie Kondo says you need to tackle.

STEP 1: Clothes

Start by putting all your clothes on the bed. Pick up each item one at a time, and if that item doesn’t bring you joy or have a very practical and critical purpose, you should put it into the “toss” pile.

STEP 2: Books

Next is books. Here the rule is simple: everything needs a home. If you have space for a huge book collection, that’s great. But if you don’t have a space for every book, then it’s time to make some tough calls and get rid of some.

STEP 3: Paper

Today, a lot of our paperwork is online, but many of us still have piles of old bills and paperwork laying around. Again, go through the lot. Shred old documents, and neatly file those you have to keep.

STEP 4: Komono

“Komono” means everything in your bathroom, kitchen, garage and miscellaneous items. This step is less about joy and more about practicality. Tip everything out into a pile and only keep the things you need and use.

STEP 5: Sentimental items

Last but not least are the sentimental items, which are the hardest to let go of, and why this step is last. By this point, you should have accustomed your mind to letting things go, so it’s a bit easier to let go of the Mother’s Day card you received when your kid was 6, and the movie ticket stub from your first date with your husband of 15 years. At this step, you should be deciding which items to display, which to store and which things can go.

Hopefully these lessons from Marie Kondo help you to get some control back in your life!

To hear the full interview, click here.

Don’t forget to subscribe for our monthly newsletter so you don’t miss out on our podcasts, posts or specials.

COVID-19 Check-in (E11)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast – Episode 11

Welcome back to Season 2! What crazy times we’re living in! Pete and Marie have a COVID-19 check-in and a chat about their own happiness levels, share how they’re staying happy and what they’re seeing around them.

Things we Referenced in This Episode

Need a laugh? Watch the Poor Jennifer video (below).

Or call up a friend on Messenger and have a good laugh at each other as you try the filters!

Pete and Marie having a good ol’ chat on Facebook Messenger

For purpose and something meaningful to fill empty hours: take a look at the free online courses at Udemy and EdX.

To connect , make sure you do a COVID-19 check-in with your friends and family regularly via video (if you can). You can use Whatsapp or Facebook Messenger.

To stay fit and healthy, here’s a 20-minute beginners workout that killed me the other day. It’s not for beginners, I swear! But if you are after a true beginners work-out try this one.

Save a business: We also do a call out to Glebe Point Diner, in Sydney, who are doing take-away food at the moment. Support them if you can, their food is awesome and service is amazing!

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and change and transformation expert, and my co-host is Peter Furness.

P: Hi there, I’m Peter Furness. I’m a wanna-be lunchtime guru, fantasy dragon lover and all around thrill seeker with insular tendencies. Each week we will bring you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: Yes, you can find us both at MarieSkelton.com. The site uses a lot of the same research we talk about here on the podcast. So if you want to follow up with anything was spoken about head on over there. So, on to today’s episode.

[Happy music]

M: So can we get the audio right this time?

P: We just did a whole take without any audio from Marie. [laughing]

M: Haha, these are the crazy Covid times we’re living in. So, this episode is a bit of a check in, it’s a Covid-19 sucks party. Yay!

P: Yay! Happy hands, jazz hands!

M: Which is how supposedly we’re all going to greet each other in the future. There will be no more touching.

P: Well, I love…. the musical theatre people have been doing this for decades. We’ve been greeting each other with jazz hands. We can’t kiss So we’ve got to do jazz hands.

M: I love it, I’m all down with jazz hands as the new way to great people moving forward. So Covid-19. So today we’re going to do things a little bit differently, something a little bit different and do a bit of a check in. And well, let’s just start with the check in the rest can be a secret.

P: Absolutely. How are you?

M: You beat me, you got in there. OK, well I’m doing really well. I’m into the end of week two of working from home. I’ve got a great employer who got us quick smart, all set up and locked and loaded to work from home. And my leaders have been checking in with us. We’ve had great communication from my employer.

Good reassurance that our jobs are safe for now. You know, as much as you can reassure anyone in these crazy times and I am a bit of an introvert, so I’m loving being at home, and I am going straight from working to… working on my podcast and then working on my blog, and I’m just like a pig in mud. Really. Yeah.

P: Happy space.

M: Yeah, and look for me, I know that many people are not happy. I’m definitely keeping an eye on my colleagues and family and friends.

P: I think that’s the thing is making sure that you do check in. I’ve actually gone back to thinking about social media, and it’s funny for me because I’m not working at the moment. I’m on the other side of the scale. I’m having to find things and find routines and all that sort of stuff. Part of that for me has been a bit of ah, maybe a bit of a dedication to going, right, let’s check in with people. Let’s reach out using social media and just go, Hey, you’re living on your own, You okay?

And I’ve been trying to do that with individuals each day and possibly people that I haven’t spoken into for a while. And I’m like, No, I’ve got to reach out and just check. I know a lot of people who are working from home, but they also live alone on. That’s a dangerous spot to be in at this point in time, when we are cut off from people we’re cut off from affection, we’re cut off from… even if we are introverts, being in a gym where you’re around people, being at the shops where you’re around people, going to the park where you’re around people, that isn’t happening.

So connectedness and social connectedness, as we’ve talked about in season one, is really important for our happiness. We are social creatures, and social beings, and we need that to be able to generate a lot of stuff that we need to be content and joyful and wellbeing

M: …and happy. Absolutely. And more than that, what keeps people happy is the deep relationships. And that’s why, as you said, it’s so important to pick up the phone, particularly if you’ve got video conferencing or a video chat functionality. WhatsApp have it now, Messenger has it, most phones you can call video to video.

P: We had a hilarious time yesterday. Peter finally figured out how to put the little effects on his face when he’s doing video chats! I think a conversation that could have taken two minutes went for 20!! Because who doesn’t need a laugh right now?

M: Absolutely, we do. We all need a little laughter, but we do need that… going back to that social connection… we do need that social connection and you need to maintain relationships, and it’s harder to do it over distance.

P: It’s different. It’s not necessarily harder.

M: We’ll agree to disagree on this one.

P: I think it’s a different interaction, but you can still maintain the connection in the relationship it’s just a different way of doing it.

M: Absolutely.

P: And we are lucky in this day and age that we do have videoconferencing because that visual reference is actually really important. You can’t tell context by someone’s delivery over text. Over the phone it’s still pretty good, but we’ve all been on that period where a text message in misinterpreted. It’s so easy to misinterpret just plain text. So videoconferencing, seeing someone space, and when you ask someone, how are you? And they’re like, “Oh, I’m fine.” It’s like damn it, I can’t actually tell that because I can’t say see you. So, we are fortunate in this stone age that we’ve got that facility because that was a really important part of maintaining those connections, and having that visual stimuli and being able to see someone and say yeah they’re fine, I saw them yesterday.

M: Absolutely, and you mentioned social media and I think the trick there is not to confuse being on social media with connecting with people. There’s a mindfulness to this, so using social media as a tool to connect with other people — for instance, the messenger functionality on Facebook – and using that to make a phone call with video is a very different thing from mindlessly scrolling for five hours on end because you’ve got nothing better to do. So, the mindless scrolling, the research is really clear on this, it is so bad for your mental health. And so I think the next thing that you need to be aware of apart from maintaining those social bonds, is what you do with your time.

P; This is where I’m struggling a little bit.

M: We’ve spoken about purpose before, and again, and I don’t know many of you may or may not have seen some of the videos on my site. And I talk about the change storm and how to deal with this constantly changing world that we live in. And there’s three things: one is that social connection, and the second is you’ve got to have purpose and meaning, and that just means something that you do that gives your day some structure and that you can enjoy the journey of doing it. You know? And setting goals.

P: yep, finding that routine. It’s waking up and going right, I’ve got to get a schedule in place, and I have no idea what I’m going to achieve that there’s going to be four things I’m going to write down. So, I’ve taken to writing things down on my pantry in chalk yeah, as they pop into my head as I’m having that morning cup of tea, it’s like, right, I’m going to do the crawl space today. I’m going to clean up the backyard. I’m going to write a blog. So, it’s having that little bit of routine that anchors us, and that gives us amazing clarity of mind, and it actually improves our mental health. There’s a lot of research out there that actually supports this. Look at me quoting research and getting scientific, you’ve changed me Marie.

M: I do want to caution, though that doing your to do list is going… is not going to help you in the long run. So as important as it is to catch up on all those chores that you’ve been wanting to do umm, and they are filling time in your day… You are on the squeakiest chair today.

P: It’s leather. It’s very pretty [laugh]

M: We’re just out of our element right now!

P: Yeah, everything is changing.

M: But some really good things, so firstly, set some goals and then work to achieve them, so anything you can do in a day is probably not going to give you the fulfilment that you need in the longer term and at the moment, the world.. we don’t know whether this is going to be a few weeks, just not very likely it looks like or a few months or a lot of months. So you mentioned Pete that you found in your crawl out cleaning activity you’re learning French, and I see here it’s actually a VHS video

P: Oh dear, I thought it was a CD. No it’s CD.

M: Of no, it’s just a VHS size.

P: I did. I don’t know where it has been for all these years, but there it is. And so there’s my next six weeks. Is getting my French up to speed?

M; Yeah, and that is a perfect goal to dive into, to have flow when you’re learning, and to feel accomplishment along the way. Then there’s some great resource is online for anyone, Udemy, or EdX, ed e-d-x. They’ve all got free online courses run by some of the top universities in the world, so you can study and a great one I’m going to go back to is University of Berkeley, sorry University of California, Berkeley. Their psychology department run a happiness course, and also, if you Google it, Yale’s most attended course is a course on happiness as well. I don’t know which platform that’s on, but you could probably Google that too. And take a course on happiness, for free.

P: This’s the time to be doing those sorts of things, and I like what you’re talking about there Marie in terms of the to do list, along with long term goals. So it’s okay, to go “well, I’m going to clean the backyard.” That’s a short-term goal, and that’s still good to occupy your time because you’re writing it down and it is an item that you can put in. But with those longer-term goals, it’s almost like you need to mix your day up a little bit with short stuff on. Then there’s got to be some long-term goals in there that are plugging away at something that is a bit more long-term that’s going to sustain you.

M; And let’s be honest. If you can’t get to painting the bathroom like your wife’s been nagging you to do for us 10 years now, you never will. She’s gonna have to give up on

P; Let it go [singing frozen]

M: Weeding the garden. Whatever your thing is that you know you should do, but you just never get around to it. If you’re not going to do it during Covid-19 it is never happening. And you should look at how to outsource that.

P: Know when you are beaten.

M: There are many people who will do that stuff for you. [laughing] Yeah, I think, I think it’s a really good call out, having purpose and also having those deep social bonds. And the third thing that — if you can’t tell, I’m writing a book and researching this right now — but the third thing is self care. And one of the things that a lot of people who are working from home have been doing is realising that they can spend from morning to night sitting at their computer. Yep, they’re not getting up for lunch a lot of the time, or they get their lunch and come straight back to their desks and they’re spending huge amounts… like 10 hours at a time sitting at their computer.

And we need to be just a bit more mindful about looking after ourselves right now. Look, emotionally. It is top of mind, but physically, are you getting enough sleep? Are you doing a bit of exercise? There’s some great YouTube videos that you can put on your TV, You can do your yoga downward dog stuff like Pete does, whatever. Or a full cardio workout and a lot of the gyms are streaming.

P: So many of the personal trainers and gyms are streaming their content and it’s valuable information. I got to Wednesday this week after spending pretty much this week in isolation. I’ve been going into work occasionally for necessary purposes, but really I’m in kind of isolation mode and realise that it was so easy to not do my normal exercise. To not go and play some volleyball, which I adore. To not be swinging off the rings or the chin up bar because I couldn’t get into my training studio. However, on Wednesday I made the conscious choice and said, No, I’m going to do it, and I found myself procrastinating. I could just clean that knob on that door one more time with the Diggers vanilla methylated spirits. Or maybe I should just cook… and I was like, “no, go on, get changed.”

M: Diggers, what?

P: It’s really pretty. It’s really nice and smelling.

M: Whatevs [laughs]

P: So I went an got changed on. That was, that was the lever. I had to get out of my casual clothes and into my work out gear. That change made me go down and do my little routine that I’m normally used to doing for my warm up downstairs on my little rug. Great, awesome did it. And I bought a pair of gymnastic rings about six months ago with the full intention of setting them up somewhere. That’s where they were. And it was that right? I got them out of the packet.

M: See!? One of those things that you probably would have never done if it hadn’t been for Covid-19.

P: Possibly it was the lever, though. It actually because I committed to doing something and even though I didn’t have any hand weights or kettlebells, I found two LPG gas bottles on it worked a treat.

M: See, I am, as I said at the end of week two, and every morning I get up, I put my gym gear on. Then I sit at my computer for 14 hours. [laughter] Until today I finally went and put that YouTube video on it, and I found this great video. It was number one on YouTube, 20 minute work out. I thought I’d just do 20 minutes now and then I might do it again at lunchtime because really, it is so, so unhealthy to spend that much time sitting, and I’m so aware of it. And today I did do quite a few more meetings standing up and standing up and  stretching. So I turned the video off and had a bit of a cheeky move on the spot and get everything moving again.

And I really need to be a lot better at doing that. Anyway, I turned on this 20 minutes YouTube video this morning and made it to 10 minutes, and I was like Jesus Christ! This is not for beginners! [laughter] It’s crazy, two weeks and I just lost all my fitness.

P: Well, it’s not hard to do and this is the thing we have to move. We are meant to move and people who are spending 10 and 14 hours of your computer, you’re not helping yourselves. We need to move, you know, because your productivity goes through the floor. If we’re not taking breaks for lunch, if we’re not having that 11 o’clock morning coffee where you walk away from the computer and you sit down in the backyard and look at the birds and look at the clouds and all that sort of stuff, it stops your brain from going into a wire tracking it gives you fresh stimulus. It accesses different parts of your brain. Which means the brain is more turned on, it’s more receptive to other stuff. You’re walking away from an issue, you’re coming back and looking at it with fresh eyes. New thoughts are going to pop up because your brain waves are firing in different lobes of your brain. Exercise and movement is another part of that. Making sure that you keep the neuro plasticity by using your physical self.

M: [whispers “I think Pete’s on a bit of a rant”] Keep going hun.

P: [Laughs] I’ve been doing this for years!

[laughter]

P: Should I stop now?

M; Mmmm, maybe. Pete says do exercise everyone.

P: Move people. People get up and move even if it is being like Chinese Revolutionary Army and standing up on doing star jumps and being silly and swinging your arms in the air, just do it makes a world of difference.

M; Oh, we should all have a dance party.

P: Hey I’m all for the dance parties. Yep.

M: So I did read that in the UK there was some DJs that we’re doing some dance parties from their lounge rooms, and everyone was going to dial in. Love it. So, we’ve only got a few minutes left. What are your thoughts for how this might change humanity? I think this is such a defining time in our generation, and it’s the implications just like World War One, World War two. And I’m not saying that war is on the same level as a pandemic. But…

P:  it’s a serious of change, though. That’s the thing that changes the way the view things because you have a relative experience speaking with my mom today. My mom’s a war baby and good old mom. She’s like, You know, it’s just like the end of the Second World War and I’m like, Well, yeah, but remember Mum we haven’t had that experience. And she was like, you kids have had it too good and was like, “no, we’ve just had it. And we’ve gotten used to this comfort level of of having access. Now we have a relative point of reference, and I think that will be the thing that changes a lot of people. People are going to realise what’s important. I think your priority will change

M: we might be grateful!

P: There’s a lot of positive change that could come from this.

M: I am such a firm believer…. Look, I’ve always said I’m a cynic, but I’m also very positive, if you can’t tell. So you know, I like to have a joke, and it’s probably my sense of humour that I like to throw a bit of shade at people. But I think this is going to help us to refocus on what’s important in life.

P: Definitely.

M: And I think that we were getting to such a point where we were letting the stressed of life run our lives, we were being reactive and responsive.

P: Yes I agree with you.

M: with work pressures, family pressures, keeping up with the Joneses, keeping up with the latest technolog, FOMO, , et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And now I had a great conversation with a colleague today who was saying, You know, I went to this, um, baking with my kids and then we went and did some gardening, and it was such good bonding time. And normally she was saying she would have spent all that time running around and taking them swimming and getting to and from work and all the rest of it. And I think it’s coming back to basics, and it’s all the stuff that we’ve been talking about Pete! It’s calling your mom. It is finding something that you can take pleasure in and that you contribute to…

P: it’s mindfulness

M: It’s self care. Mindfulness, kindness to others looking after your body physically, so drinking water, getting sleep, doing exercise, eating right. Like all of those wonderful things that we’ve been talking about. We’re finally returning to that. So if you take Covid out, we’re all going to be super happy. And there’ll be no need for a podcast.

[laughter]

P: A little reminder, maybe, a little reminder to look at the things. You missed one thing in there was which for me is really important from this result is a sense of community.  And that we are realising that the community in which we live is actually important to us.

M: I said social.

P: You did. I want to throw community out there because it’s a little bit more specific in terms of the people you have around you. When you have that happiness point, you need to reach out. And who’s that community? So it might not be the community you’re living, it might not be your neighbours, but it’s the person who lives down there down the hill and up the other stairs…

M: Oh that’s me!

P: That’s you [laughter].

M; I live down the hill and up the stairs. [laughter].

P: That’s the person that you reach out to you when you’re going. Oh, I feel like a coffee with someone.

M: I’ll make a coffee in my kitchen. You make a coffee in yours, and we’ll put funny face filters on ourselves.

P: Haha, yeah, so that sense of community, I think, is what one thing, is the one thing that will come out of this for a lot of people, and holding that community close, which is really important and vital. And as we know from the research, it helps with happiness.

M; Oh, absolutely. I’ve decided to make it my mission. If anyone’s in Glebe in Sydney, there’s a great restaurant called Glebe Point Diner, and I’ve made it my mission to make sure that they don’t go out of business during these tough times. So they’re doing take away now. call them up.

P: I think everyone’s get their favourite coffee shop for their favourite restaurant. Support them, they need it. A lot of people need that support, and it’s really important, even if you’re not going in. And I went past my coffee boys the other day. I didn’t need a coffee. I was already dialled up from my own coffee at home, but I spent five minutes talking to them, they’re my community, and they’ve been my community for 12 years.

M; Yeah. So I’m going to look after the other thing. I just wrote a post on this this week. There are a lot of animals being returned to shelters right now. So if you’re in a position to foster, you don’t even have to adopt. But if you happen to fall in love and keep him forever, then you know, every pet deserves a forever home…

P:  even if, even if your husband makes you promise that you’re never going to pick up another stray cat?

[laughter]

M: It was in my vows, part of my vows to my husband, and I don’t think he would have taken me otherwise. No more strays. But if you can help out, the benefits as far as higher oxytocin levels, just benefits are through the roof. Also, having dogs is good for excise because you walk them.

P: Absolutely

M:  So from a mental health point of view, cats and dogs are all fabulous and then exercise. So if you’re struggling with those things right now, particularly if you do live alone

P: Foster a pet for six weeks!

M: Consider helping out. A lot of people are in financial stress, and you know. Unfortunately, that means they’ve got to ask for help from a shelter because those pets right now have nowhere to go. All right. Well, that was a really depressing way to finish. Do you have a joke? Something we can laugh at?

P: I’m terrible with jokes. I can’t do jokes, I come up with bad ones and dad ones. I’m horrible. I say go Disney, get some Disney. Do something childlike, go and dance around. I think we were talking before about the YouTube video featuring Jennifer.

M: Yes! Jennifer, go watch the Jennifer video. I’m sorry, Jennifer. I’m sure you’re lovely.

P: I think Jennifer’s gonna benefit from this.

M: For those of you who would like to know, there are a good 8 to 10 people on a video conference call and someone’s talking. And Jennifer is one of the participants, and she stands up and obviously thinks her video isn’t on and takes a laptop into the bathroom with her and pulls her pants down. You can’t see anything for you pervs out there, pulls her pants down and everyone you see their eyes they’re just in shock

P: [laughter] No one would say anything.

M: And the person who’s talking stops talking, and it’s at that point that Jennifer looks over and realises she’s on video.

P: Hey, I’m all for nudity. I think what’s wrong with a little bit of ass every now and then?

[silence]

P: It’s how I say hello to people. You’re in my inner circle if I strip off in front of you.

M: It’s true.

P: Marie know it. Most of my volleyball team a knows it as well.

M: It’s a bit of a problem.

P: Really?

M: No, I’m ok with it though.

P: On that happy note….

M: Yes, we will let you go. Stay safe, everyone, and we will see you next week.

P: Stay happy folks.

Where are you on the Coronavirus Change Curve?

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This week I was interviewed for a podcast on resiliency. I wrote down some notes before the interview, which ended up going a bit off script, so I had all this content and nothing to do with it… hence the following article which is now a Q&A with myself! So, if you want to know about the Coronavirus Change Curve and how to maintain your resiliency during this unique time in our human history, read on.

Having resiliency… what does that mean?

Simply put, resiliency is our ability to bounce back when things go wrong or are bad.

It doesn’t mean that resilient people don’t cry or get angry or feel pain – it’s really important not to bury those emotions, when things are bad; you’ve got to process them. It does mean that resilient people process quicker, they’re less likely to get overwhelmed by those feelings and get stuck there, so they move on faster.

How are Balance and Happiness Related to Resiliency?

I’ve been interviewing people all around the world to understand why some people are resilient, and others not. Or why we’re resilient one day, and not the next. My research is showing that there are 3 things that resilient people have:

  1. Firstly, they have close social bonds, this means they have three or more close people they feel they can depend on.
  2. Secondly, they have purpose or meaning, so they have long term goals and a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
  3. Thirdly, they prioritise their own physical and mental wellbeing. Now this differs person to person – it could be going for hikes, or extreme gym workouts, getting 8-hours of sleep and drinking lot of water – there’s no right answer, except that they have built and always maintain those good habits, particularly when things get busy or stressful.

So back to the original question… There is such a wealth of research now in the positive psychology space on how to be happy, and it turns out that those 3 pillars are so integral to happiness as well.

The last one is balance – which gets a bit of a bad wrap as a new age catchword. But essentially, my research is showing that you can’t only do one or two out of the three foundations, you have to have balance across the three, which is a bit of a wake-up call for a lot of people. You are just as much in danger if you’re a workaholic as if you’re unemployed!

Coronavirus Has Put Many of us in a Danger Zone

As I just mentioned, balance is key, and a lot of us are out of balance right now, which means a lot of people are in a danger zone right now – they’re not in a good place for resiliency and they’re at risk of feeling out of control emotions, or being overwhelmed by emotions or even of depression, particularly the longer they’re out of balance.

For instance:

  • If you’ve lost your job, aside from financial stress that brings, for most people that means you’ve lost your purpose or meaning, and sometimes your identity too. And the statistics show that a 1 in 5 people who lose their jobs become depressed if they don’t get another job within 6 months.
  • If you’re self-isolating, particularly if you live alone, that means you may have lost your social connections. And again, the statistics paint a grim picture, in fact, the World Economic Forum had labelled loneliness an epidemic. So, we’ve got more people living alone than ever before in human history, and supposedly loneliness is as toxic as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
  • Lastly, you’ve got a whole lot of lucky people who kept their jobs but they’re now adjusting to working from home 100 per cent of the time. And one of the common traps I’m seeing is that people are spending hours sitting at their computers, and they’re not moving. And we all now know that sedentary lifestyles and sitting for long times is really bad for you – it even increases your chances of cardiovascular disease and cancer.

3 Tips to Re-gain Your Balance

It’s time for the good news. I’m sick of all the doom and gloom! Here are some really practical things you can do to boost your resiliency through all this.

  • If you don’t have a job, you need to set a long term goal and work towards it. Think of things you can master, like a new language or new instrument, launch a new website, or complete a good DIY project that will take a few days, or start a new course on one of the many free online learning platforms, like EdX which has courses from some of the top universities in the world. Try to think of long-term activities that will make you feel proud when you’ve accomplished them.
  • If you’re at home alone, make a point to video chat with someone every day, and just a side point, mindless scrolling on social media is not connecting with people, in fact it has the opposite effect.
  • And if you are now working from home, make a deal with yourself that you will stand and walk for every phone call or video conference – people are being far more accepting now.

The Coronavirus Change Curve

We’re all just getting used to a new normal, so during this time of change it’s really important to keep focused on those three resiliency foundations: close social bonds, meaning and purpose, and healthy mind and body. If you don’t look after yourself first, you can’t look after others.

Also, it’s worth pointing out that we’re all going through change right now, and it’s leading to both positive and negative emotions, which are normal.

Perhaps the best way to understand what we’re all going through is to look at the change curve, which was originally created by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969 to describe the stages of grief. Today, we use this same model to show the stages that people go through when they experience any crisis or major change.

Here’s a look at the Coronavirus Change Curve.

Coronavirus Change Curve

The first step to moving on is to understand your own journey. It’s worth poiting out here that not everyone goes through each stage, and some people spend longer in one stage than in others, while others skip some stages altogether.

In Australia, as a society, we seem to be moving onto sadness at the moment, and maybe even some acceptance. But, we’re living in an uncertain and extremely volatile world at the moment, so it’s possible that other events, such as an economic downturn, would take us back to the beginning of the curve again.

What stage do you think you’re in?

What will the future look like after Coronavirus?

Once we get through the uncertainty of the Coronavirus Change Curve and this new world we’re adjusting to, I’m really hopeful for the future.

I truly think we’re going to learn a lot of really good lessons from the next few months. You see for too long we’ve been fighting against the Change Storm. We’ve been too busy, too stressed, and it’s overwhelming and it’s been making us sick. I mentioned loneliness before, but there’s also burnout and chronic stress, and anxiety, and it crosses all demographic categories.

I think that this forced isolation is going to teach us to have to explore boredom and get creative, which research shows both lead to increases in happiness. It will teach us how to unplug, and re-connect with family. It will help us to value the simpler things in life, and to slow down a bit. In short, it will bring us a lot of joy.

I was talking to a colleague this week who mentioned that she had been baking with her kids and they’d started a garden together and she had really loved spending the quality time with them. That normally would have been spent on driving to and from afterschool sports and activities and commuting to and from work and on the million acitivities we feel we have to do every day and week.

So, I’m hopeful for the future. If we can get through the next few months I think you’ll find we come out stronger and possibly even healthier (as long as you didn’t only horde cookies when you went shopping).

3 Steps to Take Back Control of Your Emotions

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Is COVID-19 making you stressed, anxious or lonely? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.

Since December 2019, the world has watched as COVID-19 spread from a local marketplace in the province of Wuhan, China to cover every corner of the world.

It has impacted us all. Many of us have cancelled future travel plans or been worried about how to get home from current holiday travel. Others have lost their jobs or been stood down from work, often with no idea of when, or if, they’ll go back to work. Many people are struggling with the isolation of having to work from home and following social distancing rules. And we’re all still scratching our heads about the toilet paper.

And that doesn’t even take into account the people who have caught the virus, whose lives have been turned upside down at best, and who are at risk of dying at worst.

We’ve seen the best in humans and the worst in humans (again, fighting over toilet paper? Really people, get it together!) and the only thing we can say is yes, these are most definitely unprecedented times.

The worst part is that all of it is out of our control. All of it except how we respond – that is 100 per cent within your control.

So, if you’re sick of being at the mercy of the latest fatalistic news broadcast, it’s time to take back control of your emotions! Here are three areas you can focus on to take back control of your emotions during these stressful times.

Remember, as author Stephen Covey said, “The key is not to prioritise what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.”So, if you want to be happier or reduce stress, anxiety and negative emotions, pick a few of the below research-backed options that work for you, and schedule them into your diary to make them habits.

3 steps to taking back control of your emotions during difficult times

Practice Self care

Your health and wellbeing are critical to your happiness. Luckily, there is a wealth of information about how to make small changes to your life to make it healthier and improve your wellbeing. Start by practicing self care to take back control of your emotions:

  • Get outside in the sun and/or into nature, studies shows that spending time by the sea makes people happier. Also just being outdoors makes you happier — preferably in a non-urban environment, but hey, we’ll take what we can get! Studies show that time outside in nature, especially among trees, significantly reduces stress and anxiety, improves your mood and energy, and boosts your immunity!
  • Do some light exercise, like going for an evening walk, or just get outside with a pet or your kids. If you’re working from home, be especially conscious of not sitting for too long, which has been associated with increased mortality!
  • Drink plenty of water and get 8-hours of sleep
  • Hug your partner/ significant other, or spend 5 minutes cuddling with a pet
  • Practice self-compassion. Give yourself a break! Constantly aiming to be better is exhausting and focusing on what’s ‘wrong’ or needs improvement can lead to negative self-talk. So, make sure you balance things out with some self-love and positive talk.

Look After Others

It’s been said that helping others is the most selfish act you can do. That’s because the benefits of helping others are so vast. Try some of the below activities to bring more joy and satisfaction into your life, and take back control of your emotions.

  • Kindness increases happiness, energy, the love hormone (oxytocin), pleasure and it even increases your lifespan. It’s also really easy to practice and has recently started a global movement you can get involved in #RandomActsOfKindness
  • Practice loving kindness. Research has shown that helping others through acts of charity or volunteer work can make you feel better and happier, but more recent research finds that simply wishing someone well may have a similarly positive effect on our moods.
  • Research has shown that volunteering is rewarding in and of itself, and helping others is a way to higher individual wellbeing.

Be Social

No seriously! Social distancing doesn’t mean not being social, it means maintaining physical distance from others. In other words, don’t stop seeing people! The fastest road to feeling sad and lonely is to stop seeing and speaking to people. Humans are genetically wired to be social animals. So, to take back control of your emotions, make sure you take the time to be social. All you need is one close friendship; as this recent study shows, to take back control of your emotions.

What activities are OK in COVID-19 times? According to multiple sources, as long as you follow these general hygiene guidelines, you can do the following activities:

  • Avoid close contact, such as shaking hands, hugging, and kissing.
  • Wash hands often or use a hand sanitizer when soap and water are not available, and don’t touch your face.
  • Avoid surfaces that are touched often, such as doorknobs, handrails, and playground equipment.
  • Don’t go out if you feel unwell.

If you keep the above guidance in mind, the following activities will keep you connected during this time of uncertainty.

  • Call or video conference a friend or family members. Keep a special eye on people who are living alone and can’t go out.
  • Go for a walk with people in your household, or a friend but remember no contact! Many national parks are still open, and fresh air and exercise are still so important for mental health.
  • Visit a quiet beach. Although many beaches have been closed recently (most notably Bondi Beach was closed over the weekend), it’s the crowds not the activities that are the concern. If you live near a quiet beach, make an effort to meet someone for a walk.
  • Organise a virtual dinner party! If you want to go all out, pick a fancy-dress theme and send an email invite. Get everyone to download Zoom before the night. Put on some tunes in the background, BYO dinner and drinks, and dial in to the party.

Remember, Coronavirus is extremely contagious, can live in the air for hours and on some surfaces for days, and can easily be spread by droplets from someone’s cough. Keep your distance from others outside your household and wash your hands regularly.

NOTE: Advice is changing all the time, and differs in different countries, check your government website for the latest information and guidance.

Tell us your stories! What are you doing to keep sane during COVID-19?

Don’t forget to subscribe for our monthly newsletter for more tips, freebies and subscriber only content!

Coronavirus Making You Feel a Bit Low? Consider Adopting a Pet

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The Research is Clear: Pets Make You Happier and Benefit Your Mental Health

Research shows that interacting with pets increases cortisol levels, making you happier.

Here’s 3 ways you can find a new best friend and gain some resiliency during the Coronavirus pandemic.

1. Rescue or Adopt a Pet

Many studies have shown that pets make you happier, in fact simply petting a cat or dog reduces the stress hormone cortisol. All it takes is 10 minutes a day to lower your stress levels and increase positive emotions. Studies show that owning a dog reduces a person’s risk of premature death by up to a third!

Another study showed that having a dog has been proven to increase physical health too — after all you have to take them for walks! A study that examined data from almost 34,000 people has found that as little as one-hour of exercise per week, regardless of intensity, can help to prevent depression. So, get out there walk your dog or play with them in the park or backyard for just an hour and you can reap the benefits!

NOTE: generally, going for walks is still OK if you’re shut-in to help slow the spread of COVID-19 (keep 2 metres away from other walkers) but they’re generally not allowed if you’re officially quarantined because you’re high risk. Check with your local authorities to be sure.

2. Be Kind and Foster a Pet

If you can’t commit to rescuing and owning a pet full-time, you might be able to help out by fostering a pet for the short-term.

Unfortunately, in times of stress and when people are pinched financially, vets and charities often see a rise in dumped or surrendered animals. When people don’t know if or when they’ll get another pay check, it’s often hard to keep a pet, and many are returned to shelters.

Research shows giving to others activates an area of the brain linked with contentment and the reward cycle. So, performing selfless acts makes you happier. Being kind also increases happiness, energy, the love hormone (oxytocin), pleasure and it even increases your lifespan. It’s also really easy to practice and has recently started a global movement you can get involved in #RandomActsOfKindness

3. Volunteer to Walk Your Neighbours’ Dogs

You might not be able to take on a pet at your home right now, but many people are in need of help at the moment too, particularly if they’re quarantined at home. So why not put up a sign in your apartment lobby or local shops or do a mail drop around your street offering to walk your neighbours’ dogs.

Research shows that helping others through acts of charity or volunteer work can make you feel better and happier. But more recent research finds that simply wishing someone well may have a similarly positive effect on our moods. So, whip around your block or neighbourhood (keeping your social distancing) or even better send around some emails and offer to help out.

Remember while you’re walking your neighbours’ dogs to be sure to stop and smell the roses, or at least notice them. Research says that observing nature — wherever you may be — will make you feel happier and improve your overall wellbeing.

Want some other science-backed tips to bring happiness into your life, read How to be happy – 50 science-backed ways to improve your happiness