Happiness Blog

Finding Purpose with the Japanese Secret of Ikigai (E18)

18/05/2020 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast

Have you ever wondered if there was more to life? Are you looking for more passion and purpose? Look no further than the Japanese secret to a long and happy life: Ikigai.

Ikigai comes from the people in the small Japanese community of Okinawa, a remote island with a remarkably high number of centenarians (people over 100 years old). IIkigai has also been proven to be a major factor not only in their longevity but also their happiness.

https://pod.co/happiness-for-cynics/discover-your-passion-with-the-japanese-secret-of-ikigai

Episode notes

In this episode we spoke about how many low income earners might not have much choice in the jobs they perform – Marie pulled a number out of thin air to make a point (30%). To ensure we don’t get angry emails, and to set the record straight, this ABC news article from last year can give you’re the real stats. In short, the average Aussie (median income) is $48,360 before tax, according to a report released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics, and many people below the median struggle to pay bills and meet healthcare needs.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer, speaker and expert in change and resiliency, and my co-host is Pete.

P: Hi there. I’m Peter Furness, and I’m a bicycle meander, baking indulgent and non-morning exerciser. Each week we bring you the latest news and research in the field of positive psychology, otherwise known as Happiness.

M: You can find our podcast at MarieSkelton.com, which is a site about major life changes and how to cope with them. The site uses a lot of the research that we talk about here on the podcast and has some really practical tips for bringing happiness and joy into your life.

P: So on to today’s episode, which is all about finding your passion and purpose.

[Happy intro music]

M: So welcome to today’s episode, which is about finding your passion and purpose.

P: Everybody’s gotta have a purpose. There is a song to go with that Marie, ‘Avenue Q’ people look it up.

M: So today we’re talking about having something to do in life, and the reason this is so important is that people who are happy and fulfilled live longer and people who have purpose in their life are more happy and more fulfilled. So you live a better life and the longer life.

P: Absolutely.

M: So, the opposite is also true for people without purpose in their life. And when we say purpose, really, lot of the time for most people, it’s their job.

P: Much of our purpose is lined up in our identity of what our occupation is. Definitely.

M: Absolutely. And that doesn’t mean that it has to be your job, and it only has to be your job. And jobs are taking on a lot different looks and feels nowadays. Definitely a lot more people working from home and the gig economy and services that you can provide online are changing the way that people work, definitely. But for a lot of us, when we talk about purpose, it’s what gets you out of bed in the morning and what you do with the bulk of your hours during the day.

P: But I think some people fall into the trap of not taking charge of that.

M: Absolutely.

P: They’re being led down a path that they think is this’s what I do. But when they actually do the work on themselves, it’s actually know what they want to be doing. That’s possibly what we’re going to talk a little bit more of today.

M: Definitely. And I think this concept of what you want to be doing is pretty new. To be quite frank.

P: Really?

M: Yeah. I don’t think our parents had as much luxury of choice.

P: Yeah, fair enough. They didn’t. They did the solid job. Get a good job. Stick at it. Don’t change jobs. You stay in the same job for 40 years, you stayed with the same company or that sort of stuff. You’re definitely right there. We jump around a lot more and we’re actually encouraged to. I remember sort of hearing from different people saying, I’ve got to move it’s been three years. I’m like ‘Oh, really? Three years and one company. Wow.’

M: Yeah, definitely.

P: You know everybody and the tea lady.

M: I’m one of those. I’m bored now.

[Laughter]

P: Well, that’s the other thing. If, if you’re not having a purpose or you haven’t done the work on finding your purpose, you may find yourself saying, oh I’m really bored with life. Why am I bored with life? This could be a good episode for you people out there that are feeling a little bit stale or a little bit stagnant and wondering ‘Is there a bigger picture?’

M: Yep, definitely. So we’ll look into that in a second. But firstly, I want to, of course [be]cause it’s me, throw some stats in there.

[Laughter] It’s all about the research.

M: Absolutely. But discuss what happens when you have no purpose, and that is such a bad place to be in when you look at the stats. So again, here we go with stats.

So in the US [United States]. Gallup[i] found that the longer you experienced unemployment, the more likely you are to report symptoms of psychological unease, so that can include things like anxiety and depression. Also, they found that one in five people without a job for a year or more report that they have been or are currently undergoing treatment for depression. So one in five people and the rate is about double the rate of depression of those who’ve been without a job for fewer than five weeks. So what that means is, if you’ve got a job, you’re less likely to have depression. If you don’t have a job, you’re more likely to get depressed. And the longer you go without a job, the more your chances of being depressed increases and another way of looking at a major life moment where your purpose might change is retirement.

P: Hhmm. [Sound of agreement]

M: And there’s a study by the London based Institute of Economic Affairs that looked at the likelihood that someone would suffer from clinical depression. And it actually goes up by about 40% after retiring.

P: Very surprising that figure and yet when you think it. I remember when my parents retired, they both retired at the same time and we were all focused on Mum. But what we didn’t realise was it was actually Dad that we had to worry about because Mum made the transition really well. I think because we pushed her to get a hobby. It was like, ‘You’re not going to sit at home and do nothing, so let’s find you something.’ And we forgot about poor old Dad, and it was Dad who actually suffered. He started painting everything yellow.

M: [Laugh]

P: He had some yellow paint, and so everything in the house got painted yellow, the barbecue, the stakes in the garden, the fence.

M: Oh dear..

P: [Laugh], poor Dad.

M: I think that is also a little bit just the way that we’ve expected men to suck it up and move on, and there’s so many great movements out there now about men’s mental health.

P: Mmm, oh definitely. And it’s been, it’s the planning and it’s having the foresight and the forethought to go right ‘I’m retiring in five years. What can I do?’ What can I be a part of? That’s where volunteering comes into it. Our extracurricular activities and if you’ve spent the time during your working life developing strong social connections in those extracurricular activities, albeit sport, church, community groups, all that sort of stuff. That and I think the science would probably back me on this is that that’s going to set you up well for retirement because everything doesn’t stop. I feel sorry for the blokes, particularly in rural areas where men get up and go to work. That’s what they do and then all of a sudden, when they’ve stopped working, there’s nothing to get up for.

M: Absolutely. I’ve been interviewing quite a few people for my book on this topic. So yes, the science does back you up on this.

P: Yay! I was going out on a limb, quoting without looking at research. There we go!

M: Yeah, absolutely. And look that 40% who struggle after retirement. There’s a whole body of research on that, and one of the big things is purpose. And the other big thing that you mentioned, there was those social connections, so important for your retirement years.

P: Which is a nice segway into what we’re going to talk about today-

M: Actually, it is.

P: – Which is the Japanese concept of Ikigai. What is Ikigai, I hear you ask?

I love this explanation we came up with when we were talking about it. It’s a bunch of circles.

[Laughter]

P: It’s bubbles people. It’s all about bubbles. Bubbles, so in English a rough translation for Ikigai is a reason for being and it finds its origins in a little village in Okinawa, which is little island in Japan that has a high, really high number of centenarians, which is people over 100 years of age. We call it a blue zone, the amount of people who are centenarians and have quite a number of them in one location it’s called a Blue Zone and while their age may have been attributed to diet and lifestyle, there is the practise of Ikigai, which has been noted as a major factor not only in their longevity but in their happiness. So we can talk about Ikigai being, it’s a tool. It’s a way of doing some work. It’s a series of questions that you can ask yourself that look at the four major components of… and I’ll go through these if I can.

What you love;
What you’re good at;
What you can get paid for; and
What the world needs.

So we’re looking at passion, your mission, your profession and your vocation and that lovely little sweet spot where all those four elements tie in is what your Ikigai is. The reason you get up in the morning, it’s the reason you wake up and go ‘today I’m doing this because this is what I do.’

M: And I, I think that every year 11 student should have to do this exercise.

P: Oh, I agree. Definitely.

M: Right, because I remember filling in a bunch of circles A, B, C or D. Or would you prefer to be a gardener or an astrophysicist?

P: [Laugh]

M: And, and I said Gardner there, because it’s top of mind because Gardner came back as something I should consider as a career choice.

P: Oh, really?

M: Yes, anyway.

P: Surprising considering you can’t keep a herb alive.

M: I can’t, at all. I just have to look at a plant and it dies.

P: [Laugh]

M: Seriously.

P: Your terrariums doing okay.

M: I haven’t killed the plants that live in a desert? Yeah, Thanks.

P: [Laugh]

M: But I love that this considers not only the realities of what you’ll get paid for.

P: Yes.

M: But also what you’re good at and what you love. And I don’t think that enough emphasis is put on finding a way to get paid for what you’re good at and what you love. We, at school are taught more here are the things that you need to learn, and it doesn’t matter if you’re good at them, you’ve got to work harder.

P: Oh, yes. The markers, yeah.

M: And it doesn’t matter if you love them. That just wasn’t a factor at all. But this is about finding what, what sparks you.

P: Yeah.

M: And then how you can make a career out of that. The other thing that I will say though, is so many of us don’t do what we love and what we’re good at or even what the world needs on a daily basis. We do what we can get paid for.

P: Exactly. We put too much emphasis on one element of the off the four. And I think that that’s something that we could all do a little bit. This’s the thing about doing these exercises, it makes you look at the process of what you should be doing in a much more, I’m going to say spherical, and you’re probably going to pull me up on that one Marie, it’s a more rounded perspective of looking at it. It’s not just looking at what can I get the most amount of money for and what is my profession going to be according to how much money I can generate? That’s not the way to make this decision. And that’s what I like about the Japanese principle is it’s a much more rounded, much more spherical perception of coming at what, what choice should I be making?

M: I absolutely agree with you. The other side of what I was saying, though, is that for a lot of us, we don’t have that choice. You have to solely look at what can I get paid for?

P: Okay. Yep, true.

M: So for a large portion of the population, I think that you take what you can get.

P: That’s an interesting one. I guess I wasn’t part of that large portion, and it’s funny, I was watching Gardening Australia recently.

M: As you do Peter [laugh].

P: It’s a Covid[19] thing. It’s gotten me into gardening Australia. I actually love it, but they were interviewing this, this couple that we’re doing a garden and he was a sculptor and she was an artist and forgive me for, for being a little bit coy here, but sculptors and artists and those people, we don’t make choices according to money. We’re like, I’m going to go and be a plant specialist. They take that passion side, and that’s what they run with. They don’t go with what can I generate my income with.

M: And I think that’s such a blessed and privileged position.

P: It is a privilege definitely.

M: Yes, I guess what I’m saying here or what I’m trying to get at is that some of us have a reality. That means they have to work 60 hours in a minimum wage job in order to pay the bills and provide food for the family, right.

P: Yeah, well we all have to pay the bills and so forth.

M: But what I’m trying to say here is that you can do that with passion. So you’ve mentioned it before Pete. And I worked retail through university. You can bring a passion to living to a retail job that really doesn’t excite you. I worked in a muffin shop for the longest time.

P: [Laugh]

M: It was not lighting my fire, let me tell you that. But I had some of the best memories from great customers, good colleagues, lots of laughs. And I just don’t want this to be inaccessible to the, I’m going to pull a number out of whatever, you know, the 30% of Australians who have to take what jobs are available and who don’t have the luxury or the privilege that we have off choosing from a wide range of different career options or vocations.

P: Okay, so if we if we if we look at that 30% and we look at the concept of Ikigai, I actually believe that this process of going through this tool and using this tool is a way to unlock maybe some of the passion and unlock some of those other elements that does help you to bring purpose and fulfilment to a role that you’re really not wanting to do.

M: Absolutely and then the other thing is again. It doesn’t have to be your job. So if you find that your passion is an art and you cannot make a living out of your art.

P: So many of us can’t.

M: Then how do you bring your passion for art into your life in another way?

P: And that’s, that’s the, that’s the key. That’s the golden little .. nugget of jewel right there.

M: Absolutely. Well, good. I think we’re finally getting to the same point here.

P: It just took us a little round about.

M: Ha, Ha, I, I just don’t want to forget that I feel like we’re really quite privileged when it comes down to it to have the choice, and a lot of people don’t. But that doesn’t mean that this isn’t accessible for them as well.

So if we come back to the older generations in Okinawa and the concept of Ikigai, this is baked into the way that this society works. It’s really worth having a look online. If you haven’t looked at this before.

So they, they put the principles into practice. The community is really geared to activities that bring joy, and, like dancing and singing and giving back to the community and doing all these things in social ways as well. Not, not by yourself. And the impacts are huge.

P: Yeah, it’s a supported environment. If you, if you like it, it’s part of the culture.

M: Exactly.

P: It’s part of the infrastructure that’s already there. It’s geared towards this practise and it’s proven, it’s proven to be effective. As we can see, it’s a blue zone.

M: Yep, all right. So do we have any tips?

P: We do [laugh]. I’m going to let you go with those ones Marie, to start off with.

M: All right, I’ll go.

The first step to changing your life… That’s huge!

P: OH, that’s a massive leap into the unknown there.

M: [Laugh]

P: Just dive right in!

M: First step is to understand yourself better.

P: That’s very Jungian[ii] thing isn’t it?

M: That’s not the cynical Marie that I’m used to being is it?

P: [Laugh] maybe you’ve gone through this process already Marie. You’ve done the work and it’s all about working. This doesn’t happen, magically. And I think that’s one of the points I do want to make. I’m going jump in here Muz. This stuff is hard. It’s hard yakka. You can’t just cruise along and expect it’ll just, to come through. It’s got to come up. You’ve got to actually go and do the work and do the exercise. And this is what this tool is great for its. It’s asking the right questions, so that you do sit down and go right ‘What is my purpose?’

M: Absolutely. So go online. Have a look for Ikigai, it’s I-k-i-g-a-i, and you’ll see the circles that Pete was talking about with the four elements of Ikigai.

And the first step is to write down all the things that you love, that you’re good at, that you can get paid for and that the world needs. And next, once you’ve written down all of those things, you need to set some goals. So once you’ve worked out where the intersection of all those four things lies best, might not be perfect. You might not find one thing that fits right in the intersection of it all-

P: I think that’s really important to keep in mind it doesn’t have to be perfect. Just go with it. Have a little faith.

M: – but might find something that meets three of those four.

P: Exactly.

M: So once you’ve got that, knowledge without action is useless. So to reach your goals, you need to change your behaviour, which means you need to change your habits. And there’s a great book that is an international bestseller about changing habits, and it’s James Clear’s, ‘Atomic Habits’. So pick up that book, and in that book he talks about how and, and it’s a proverb that’s been around for centuries. You know, ‘the journey of 1000 miles starts with one step.’ And taking one step is so easy to take. That small, tiny habit that you start adds up over a lifetime to be massive.

P: Starts the ripples.

M: So take the time to do the brainstorming and the self-reflection, and then you’ve got to put into action.

P: And this might be, I’ve got a little list here Marie from two people who have written the book on Ikigai basically, they are..

M: Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles.

P: Well done Marie, was a nice pick up there. I just dropped the mike. So these guys are well known Western authors of the Ikigai method and How to Find Your Ikigai, the Japanese practise and these steps all are pretty easy steps to sort of follow to keep you along the lines of maintaining that Ikigai, because Ikigai is not a static concept, it’s, it’s an ever changing concept. Our purpose in life changes from when we’re 17 to when we’re 45. We don’t have the same purpose. So this is not something that you do once, and you just keep following that path blindly. It’s something to revisit every now and then, so that you move along with your life changes and with your systems that are in process and buying a house and having Children. Your, your needs change your, your purpose changes.

So this is something to revisit all the time.

M: All right, so you’ve got 10 steps don’t you Pete?

P: I do, Thanks to Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles, who wrote the book on Ikigai. The 10 steps include:

Staying active, not retiring.
Leave urgency behind and adopt a slower pace of life. Chill out people.
Only eat until you are 80% full. I like that one it’s such a conceptual one.
Surround yourself with good friends. Social connections.
Get in shape through daily gentle exercise. That’s that lovely idea of maintaining gentle exercise and not hitting the intensity all the time, because is a negative influence on our longevity.
Smile and acknowledge the people around you. See the people when they’re in front of you.
Reconnecting with nature. Forest bathing, I keep coming back to it. It’s a real thing, look it up.
Give thanks to anything that brightens your day and makes you feel alive. This comes back to what we’re talking about, about self-care being church for non-believers. It’s another one of our episodes. M: And Gratefulness. P: Gratefulness definitely.
Live in the moment. Mindfulness. And then the last one.
Follow your Ikigai.

M: All right. I think that’s a good place to stop. Thanks for joining us this week. We’ll see you next week.

P: Stay happy people.

[Happy Exit Music]

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[i] Gallup, Inc. is an American analytics and advisory company based in Washington, D.C. Founded by George Gallup in 1935, the company became known for its public opinion polls conducted worldwide.

[ii] Jungian – In reference to Carl Jung. Carl Gustav Jung was a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who founded analytical psychology. Jung’s work was influential in the fields of psychiatry, anthropology, archaeology, literature, philosophy, and religious studies.

7 Pieces of Happiness Advice to Live By

13/05/2020 by Marie

What is the top Happiness Advice From the Experts?

There are a lot of people who are happy to hand out life advice. My mum has handed down some doozies (in all fairness, times – and science – have definitely changed over the years).

I now know that going outside with wet hair won’t make me sick, and I won’t drown if I swim less than 30 minutes after eating. And I can attest to the fact that hair-of-the-dog always makes things worse, not better.

But what’s the latest advice about how to be happier? And who are today’s happiness advice experts (not just what mum told me … which was to “find a man who treats you right”)?

Let’s take a look at what the world’s experts on happiness – monks, psychologists and professors – have to say about how we can live a happier life. Here are 7 pieces of happiness advice to live by.

7 Pieces of Happiness Advice

1. Flow, the Secret to Happiness

Positive psychology pioneer Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has studied those who find pleasure and lasting satisfaction, and his happiness advice lies in doing activities that bring about a state of “flow.”

“There’s this focus that, once it becomes intense, leads to a sense of ecstasy, a sense of clarity: you know exactly what you want to do from one moment to the other; you get immediate feedback. You know that what you need to do is possible to do, even though difficult, and sense of time disappears, you forget yourself, you feel part of something larger.”

2. The Habits of Happiness

Biochemist turned Buddhist monk Matthieu Ricard says we should train our minds in habits of well-being to generate a true sense of serenity and fulfillment.

“Mind training matters… this is not just a luxury. This is not a supplementary vitamin for the soul. This is something that’s going to determine the quality of every instant of our lives.”

3. The Surprising Science of Happiness

Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert says our “psychological immune system” lets us change our views of the world, so that we can feel better about the world in which we find ourselves.

“Our longings and our worries are both to some degree overblown, because we have within us the capacity to manufacture the very commodity we are constantly chasing when we choose experience.”

4. Plug Into Your Hard-wired Happiness

Writer and life coach Srikumar Rao says we all strive for happiness — but our model is wrong. We need to learn how to accept the life we have, and to do that we must invest in the process, not the outcome.

“There is nothing that you have to get, do or be in order to be happy… Think about your life 10 years ago…if you remember clearly, there were certain things you wanted… Odds are pretty good that many of those things you wanted 10 years ago you now have. Is that correct? Where has that left you? In exactly the same place, right?”

5. Want to be Happy? Be Grateful

David Steindl-Rast is a Benedictine monk who says that happiness in born from gratefulness.

“A grateful world is a world of joyful people. Grateful people are joyful people, and joyful people – the more and more joyful people there are, the more and more we’ll have a joyful world.”

6. The Happy Secret to Better Work

Positive Psychologist Shawn Achor is the CEO of Good Think, and he says happiness inspires us to be more productive and more successful.

“90 percent of your long-term happiness is predicted not by the external world, but by the way your brain processes the world… only 25% of job successes are predicted by IQ, 75 percent of job successes are predicted by your optimism levels, your social support and your ability to see stress as a challenge instead of as a threat.”

7. What Makes a Good Life? Lessons From the Longest Study on Happiness

Robert Waldinger, the director of the Harvard happiness study, says good relationships are the key to a fulfilling, long life.

“Social connections are really good for us, and (…) loneliness kills. Good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains.”

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Self-Care is Church for Non-Believers (E17)

11/05/2020 by Marie

Happiness For Cynics podcast

More and more people around the world do not believe in a God, and therefore do not attend church regularly. This is such a shame, as the act of going to church has so many benefits including making your happier. In this episode, we discuss the ways in which you can replace some aspects of church, if you’re a non-believer, so you can bring more happiness into your life.

https://pod.co/happiness-for-cynics/self-care-is-church-for-non-believers

Transcript

M: Hi. I’ve forgotten our intro.

P: [Laugh] we should never have negroni’s before a podcast.

M: We should always have them.

[Laughter]

M: Welcome the happiness for cynics. That is not how this normally goes. I’m Marie Skelton a writer, podcaster supposedly and an expert in resiliency and change.

P: Hi, I’m Peter. I’m the co-host. I’m a herb harvester, a Feng Shui factualiser and I can’t remember the third thing that I am this week.

M: Maybe we shouldn’t do negroni’s before… [laughter].

This week however, we are talking about self-care and how self-care is church for non-believers.

P: I love that quote. That’s a brilliant that’s a Marie-ism, by the way, folks, that’s a complete Marie-ism.

M: I’ll have to turn that into one of those quotes.

P: Yeah do.

M: You know like the image on Facebook.

P: Think about it ‘Self-care is church for non-believers.’

[Happy intro music]

M: Okay, welcome back. That was probably the weirdest intro we’ve ever done. Alright, self-care we’re here to talk about self-care. We were talking the other day about how self-care is really important, and it’s, it’s important to do all the fabulous things that we talked about. But you’ve got to balance that with looking after yourself as well and taking time to relax and recharge and really focus on your inner self as well, so we were keen to do an episode on self-care and then we came across this idea of self-care being church for non-believers.

P: I love this, it’s brilliant. Such a good quote.

M: So reason that we say that, there’s a couple of stats here that I’ll paint the picture with. So we start in the States. There’s a recent study by the Pew Research Centre, which says that the percentage of Americans who believe in God attend religious services and pray daily has declined significantly during the last eight years. And then, if you look at the latest census results on religion from 2016 in Australia, about 30% of Australians selected no religion, and that’s more than 7% higher than the previous census, where they measured religion in 2011.

So one in three-ish Australians no longer believe in religion and ergo we will assume they don’t go to church.

P: True, I’ll give you that.

M: Making a leap there, but we’re going to make that assumption. And again, I’m not religious and you know each to their own is my philosophy on that. However, one in three Australians are losing the benefits off attending church and that’s just such a shame. So whether you believe in God or not, the benefits of going to church include learning things like kindness, gratitude, service to others, mindfulness having social interaction on a regular basis, meditation, awe and forgiveness.

And we’re going to go into a few of those right now because they all make the wonderful bucket of self-care. But they’re also critical for happiness.

P: I’m sorry. I’m just thinking of Kentucky Fried Chicken now you said, Bucket.

[Laughter]

P: It’s like a little bucket that you can choose from.

M: Exactly, there’s wings, there’s drumsticks.

[Laughter]

M: So let’s start with your, your church bucket here.

P: [Laugh] Do I have to wear my Sunday best? Do I have to dress up?

M: No, this is all about you-

P: – Oh, but I want to wear my hat with the fascinator.

M: You don’t have to but you can.

P: Well, this is the interesting thing is that I think that before we get into everything I’m going to segway here Marie. The fact of going to church, it was a huge social construct, traditionally in, especially in Australian lifestyles. But in Western lifestyles in general, actually, no, that’s not even true.

M: In the states you get dressed up there too. For those of you who think what enough does this Aussie girl know about the states? I did live there for eight years, some I’m kind of semi sort of calling myself a little bit American and I married an American.

P: You’re married by passport.

M: [Laugh] Exactly.

But oh, in the South.

P: Oh yeah, that’s the image I’ve got.

M: They get dressed up for church.

P: Definitely. It’s the social construct. So, the fact of actually going to church of actually taking the time in your weekly schedule to allocate one hour to go to a location, to go to a ceremony to get dressed up to invest in an action that is community driven. It’s something that set a precedent for interaction on people on so many different levels. And that’s what we’re going to talk about with when we talk about the sections that we’ve nominated.

M: What I love about the social interaction piece there Pete, we’re starting with that one, is the church construct encourages people to think about others and you welcome new people into the community. It’s just like, so we met through volleyball, and there is a tribe aspect to that as well. Definitely just like with church, where you look, well you should there’s always the misfits, but you should look after the new people that come into the club or the church or the environment that you’ve got there and you look out for them and you look out for each other. And for people who have never been to church or who haven’t maybe had that team aspect in their life that we have, I think it’s, it’s scary to me that they may never have experienced that community welcoming them in. I think everybody can experience this. It’s like starting in your job, the first time you walk into a new office you don’t know anyone. Everyone has their mates that they say good morning to, everyone hangs out in coffee shop. You’re the, you’re the newbie. You’re the brassy eyed, bushy tailed woman with your negligee scarf. It’s Jane Fonda in 9 to 5.

M: Here’s the thing though. The expectations on a workplace is very different from those at church or in a team sport.

P: OK, fair point. I’ll give you that.

M: You don’t have to, give two hoots about the person you work with.

P: All right, fair yes.

M: You don’t have to be nice to them if the boss isn’t looking, right?

P: Yeah

M: And so there’s a very different social element, and that’s why when we’re saying self-care is church for non-believers, finding your tribe, and there’s a lot of talk out there about finding the tribe and its people who will look out for you and go above and beyond for you. There’s a lot of lonely people out there who don’t have a tribe.

P: Exactly

M: And church would always take everyone in. Yet regardless of your personality, differences, preferences, all of that. Sports, there’s a little bit more argy bargy there, but –

P: – Especially if you play with Brazilians.

[Laughter]

M: – but you’ve got to bring everyone in to achieve a goal, right? And in theory you have to do that in workplaces. But in practise, I don’t think that drive to be accepting and welcoming to everyone is there.

P: Which I think brings up a point that’s really valid is that you’re putting yourself in the space by going to something like church. It’s, you’re expected to be friendly. You’re expected to welcome new people in. So there is that expectation of like ‘you will be nice, eh?’

M: So that social interaction. So I think, for people who are not going to church anymore they’re perhaps missing that tribe. And there’s a few definite opportunities for people to find that in other areas of their lives. But perhaps not as easy as just rocking up to church.

P: Oh, I agree. Definitely.

M: Whatcha got next?

P: Oh, kindness.

M: Yes, be kind. So the whole process of going to church, you’re putting yourself in a place where it is expected of you to contemplate kindness. Contemplate being good to your neighbour. Being nice to your fellow man. All those kind of community constructs that are really based on every society. I’m not just talking about –

M: Do unto others

P: – Western society.

M: I know that one, do unto others!

P: [Laugh] Go Muz, quoting the… what is it 15 commandments.

M: 10

P: It was 15 first, Moses threw a tablet.

M: We should not –

P: – Moses had a hissy fit and he threw a tablet [laugh].

M: Again, I apologise

P: He so did it was Charlton Heston.

M: Alright, maybe we shouldn’t use popular culture as a reference for peoples religions.

P: That’s fair, I get it.

M: Because this matters to [some] people.

P: But my point is you’re putting yourself in the kindness space and you’re expected to be [a] kinder [person] tapping into that. It’s like, OK, I’ve got to be nice to this person and it’s the fake it till you make it concept by putting yourself into a process where you’re forcing yourself to be kind. Maybe you actually might get a bit of beneficial kick-off from that being kind not only to others, but to yourself.

M: Absolutely so as we’ve mentioned in previous episodes the research on kindness is kind of one of the most selfish things you can do. I think we’ve said before another Marieism. The benefits from oxytocin I think and again we keep talking about all the fabulous chemicals in our brain, but the benefits that you get from being kind others are huge. So much so that being kind to others can be seen as a selfish act. And one of the major tenets of nearly all religions is ‘do unto others.’

P: That’s right.

M: So if that is not being reinforced through Sunday school and through your life once a week –

P: Yep, it’s a little reminder when the pastor or the person is standing up on that pulpit saying, “who have you loved of your fellow man this week?” And it’s like forcing you to go ‘right, I have to do this’ and that’s a weekly reinforcement.

M: I think it is that real weekly reinforcement. So whether you’re helping out with tea after the service.

P: Oh yeah, they always had good bickies at the Salvation Army.

M: Or whether you’re participating in a more formalised church program that helps the elderly mow their lawns, what whatever it is that your church environment does not having that in your week because you’re not religious, is a real loss.

P: Definitely, which is a nice segway into, into-

M: – gratitude.

P: There we go.

M: [Laugh] I read your mind.

[Laughter]

M: And we’ve talked about gratitude, I think it was our third or fourth episode in season one, but again, being grateful for what you have and prayer is one of those things where you thank the Lord for the blessings that you have. And again, if you’re not going to church on a regular basis, the need for being grateful is not being reinforced in your day to day life.

P: Yes.

M: And again I would argue that in the absence of church, what are you doing in your weekly lives to remember to be grateful?

P: Yeah. If you’re not being like the self-help gurus and certain people like yogis who practice every day sitting there, looking at your mantras and looking at your chants and saying these things to yourself as a matter of wrote that’s a daily reminder as much as what church is if you’re not involved in those daily acts, even the act of saying a prayer before dinner that was a big social construct is that there was always the expected thing, and –

M: Two, Four, Six, Eight

[Laughter]

M: Dig in, don’t wait!

P: [Laugh] you could take that one. Yes, well, if we take it in the in the literal sense, you’re being thankful for the fact that you have food on your plate.

M: Which and I’m sure if any of us Journal on gratefulness. Having food is such a First World right.

P: Exactly.

M: It’s not a privilege anymore. I bet you, you pick up anyone’s gratitude journal in the First World and they’re not thanking people for the food on their table.

P: Okay. What’s next?

M: Service to others.

P: Aahh, being generous to others, it’s such a fulfilling action. There’s a lot of research out there that the supports the fact that if you are actually giving away 10% of your time 10% of your income, 10% of your energy in the service of others, you gain back tenfold what you’re giving out.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s a no brainer, by giving out your generosity and actually offering up something that you have, it invites so much goodwill back into yourself. And again, it’s that selfish act, not a self-less act. It’s reinvigorating your own self esteem. It’s making you feel good. Who doesn’t feel nice when you give a dollar to the person who’s on the street corner begging for money? You think I’ve done my good deed for the day that reverberates through your day hugely. And if something’s – I’ve gotta stop clicking sorry – [Laughter], if when you’re having a bad afternoon, sometimes it’s enough to go you know what my karma jar is full because I gave that dollar to the homeless person this morning.

M: I think there’s also an even greater benefit. So, I’ve done a lot of coaching and a lot of the time for free.

P: Right.

M: Sadly, I’m not making money off my volleyball coaching, but there’s, there’s a sense of the inner satisfaction, and I don’t even know how to describe it. When you have those moments through a season, when a player executes a skill that you’ve been working with them on or they finally get it, and a lot of the time they’ll perform the skill and the first person they lock eyes with is you. You know?

P: Absolutely.

M: Right? Those moments where you’ve spent hours trying to help someone else to be better and they are executing what you’ve been working on together. They’re so valuable, so, so valuable, and you remember those, I remember those moments with those players years later. I don’t remember the projects I’ve worked on in corporate life or a lot of other things. But helping others to grow is such a positive thing.

P: Tim Minchin talks about it in his address to the Melbourne University [and others] a couple of years ago when he gave his ‘Nine Lessons of Life.’ If you haven’t watched it, watch it, it’s fabulous. Tim Minchin says “Be a teacher. Share your love, Share your passion. Share what you know because it will come back upon you.”

M: Yep.

P: And it’s so true.

M: Absolutely. All right, so I’m going to bucket two other benefits of church together here and they’re definitely more your areas of expertise than mine.

P: Yeah.

M: So mindfulness and meditation.

P: Oh dear meditation.

M: I’m bundling them together because we are running a little short on time now, But really, I think we should bump out to 30 minutes because every episode we say we’re running short on time don’t we.

[Laughter]

P: Maybe our listeners should vote on that on the poll.

M: We’re trying to keep it 20 [minutes] so it’s short, sharp commute time. But anyway. So there is definite research about attending spiritual retreats in particular if you’re talking about mindfulness and the greater psychological well-being that you get and feel good hormones in the brain from mindfulness in particular, and then meditation, you’re into meditation.

P: I’m a big time meditator. And I’m a big supporter of it because it is, there are so many benefits that lead to some of the other things that we’ve already talked about today. Kindness and gratitude. When you meditate, you calm your mind down. And it’s not about eliminating thoughts. It’s about recognising thoughts and giving weight to them. It’s such a brilliant way of accessing parts of our physiology and our mental capacity that has huge benefits.

M: Actually, the title of this is self-care. And if you can’t take in the negative and let it go, then you’re not looking after your mental health.

P: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, and actually, I’m gonna skip, we’ll end on your last one here. But skip to forgiveness, which is another teaching in many religions around the world forgiving others.

P: Yeah

M: And again this is, this is a way of letting go of that negativity. And there is yet again a lot of research about the positive benefits of letting this stuff go, allowing yourself to move on and not holding yourself back because of what others have done to you.

P: Being kind to yourself is part of self-care. Very, very important factor. Don’t be too hard on yourself people. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes, and it’s OK to make a mistake, as long as you learn from it.

M: And it’s okay to have negative emotions too.

P: Absolutely. They serve you well. They’re a great lever.

M: And I think right now we’re all experiencing the full pendulum swing of emotions being in isolation and dealing with Covid and the increased anxiety we need to be okay with that. I think we’re learning some really good self-reflection and growth lessons from an emotional perspective because of Covid.

P: I think the awareness has brought it definitely back onto the floor where we’re now concerned with our community connections. We now are concerned with how our daily actions affect not only ourselves but others.

All right, we’re going to move onto the last one, awe. We’ve talked about this before awe inspiring stuff.

M: Awe, A W E, it’s very easy to be like or what? Or what?

P: [Laugh]. I’m going to tell a personal story here. So going through Italy with my niece a couple years ago in Europe, we went to Florence. We’ve done gone for a walk down to the Duomo the cathedral in Florence, and we stood there in the evening light and I’ve got to say it was a pretty amazing aspect. I didn’t know anything about this cathedral I didn’t know about the Medici’s at that time. But I’m standing there in front of this cathedral and it looked like something made out of cardboard, But it was so incredible and the way the light hit it, I was having a moment. Uncle Peter may have got emotional and had a tear in his eye and my niece turns around to me and says “You ‘right.” “It’s okay darling Uncle Peter’s having about a moment”, and she said “Okay, I’m going for ice cream.” [Laugh]

M: I, especially coming from Australia, I could not agree with you more going through Europe I, I guess there’s a point where there’s only so many churches you can see but when they’re all 15^th, 16th century churches and I can only think of Notre Dame and it still breaks my heart that it burnt down but thankfully we got to see it. But there is this understanding in a lot of religion that the place you go to worship should inspire awe.

P: Which brings us back to the point. Churches were built to inspire people they were a connection with the higher power. There were a connection with God. They were meant to lift you up.

M: So as far as awe goes, you don’t have to find it in buildings only as we’ve discussed in the past, we can find it in nature very often. It’s about putting yourself in those moments where you’re standing in front of the Grand Canyon or beautiful mountains, and you take the moment to be mindful and experience your place in the vastness around you. So we are needing to wrap up now Pete.

P: Oh dear. We’ve gone overtime again.

M: But I guess the last thing I just want to say to people is if you are not religious. How are you bringing these items into your life on a weekly basis? How are you replacing what church used to bring to people which was happiness. These elements that we’ve talked about kindness, gratitude, service to others, mindfulness, social interaction, meditation, awe and forgiveness, all of them were being reinforced in people’s lives, and they’ve all been scientifically proven in multiple surveys and research to bring happiness. So that’s my challenge. Find your church, find your church, find your tribe and find ways to make these habits.

P: And really invest in them. So, so make sure that you clock them, write them out and say, like, to a daily check and see if you can tick all eight of those boxes. Eight? Seven? [Laugh]

M: That many boxes, tick all of those boxes! [Laugh]

P: And that’s the benefit and whether you believe or not in religion, church served that purpose. So we need to find a way to invest in that. And it can be as simple as spending 15 minutes at home being mindful or meditating all those sorts of actions. Church doesn’t need to be a building. You’re absolutely right. It can be your backyard as long as you invest –

M: -Or your mind.

P: Exactly. You can invest in that but being mindful and being open to it is really important.

M: I think that’s a great place to end. Thanks Pete.

P: Aww, no worries.

M: See you next week.

P: Stay happy, people.

[Happy Exit Music]

How To Make Friends As An Adult

06/05/2020 by Marie

How to make friends as an adult: everything you need to know.

Have you ever wondered how to make friends as an adult? The simple truth is that making friends as an adult is not always easy!

But it used to be easy. Remember at school when we were kids and there were tens if not hundreds of kids that you could pick from to be friends with. If you didn’t really get along with one person, there was always someone else to get to know, or another group that was maybe more your style. Sure, there were fights and hurt feelings, sometimes you might have wanted to be friends with someone who didn’t want to be friends with you, but more often than not, there were still other options or choices. There truly were more fish in the sea, and once you found your fish, becoming friends was pretty quick and easy.

Unfortunately, life as an adult is just not that easy.

You see, what many of us don’t realise until it’s too late is that school is set up in a way to make it easy to get to know people well, to make friends quickly. But once we leave school, it’s nowhere near as easy to make friends quickly or to find friends with similar interests, and it can leave many of us wondering how to make friends as an adult.

This can be exacerbated if you’re particularly shy, or if you move interstate or overseas for work, or if you work for a company or small business with only a handful of people to interact with every day – leaving quite a few people in their 20s and 30s all of a sudden feeling a lonely. In fact, young adulthood in particular can be a lonely time, with more than 1 in 3 young adults aged 18-25 reporting problematic levels of loneliness according to a report last year from Swinburn University and VicHealth.

Even then, if none of those situations apply to you, you still need to watch out if you’re particularly independent or even just really busy, as it can be easy to accidentally neglect the relationships around you. Or through no fault of your own, your friends move away, one by one, to travel or pursue jobs opportunities or romantic interests, and before you know it, you might not have that many people you can call a ‘good’ friend.

Once we leave school, the number of opportunities diminish to interact deeply on a daily basis with a variety of people . This means that the choices are more limited, but also that we have to put in time and effort to maintain the relationships we have.

Why Having Good Friends Is Important

Connecting with others is proven to build emotional resiliency and make your life happier. Friends bring us laughter and good times and help us get through the bad times. They make us feel connected and help us build self-esteem. They can make us feel loved.

On the flip side, the Swinburn and VicHealth study found that higher levels of loneliness increased a person’s risk of developing depression by 12 per cent and social anxiety by 10 per cent.

It’s also shown that people with close social relationships fair better in old age. According to a recent study, “Social engagement and connectedness may simply be the single most powerful factors for cognitive performance in old age.” In short, staying involved in the community and having close social relationships is also critical to a longer life.

But when we’re not in a school environment, finding that time together becomes harder, so it takes longer and requires a lot more work. So, look after your old friendships, or develop new friends—but be prepared for it to take dedicated time and effort. Either way, having good friends will serve you in the long run.

Making friends as an adult isn’t always easy. Here are some tips on how to make friends as an adult and add some extra happiness to your life.

So, if you find yourself in a new town, or you have moved on from old friendship groups, you can sometimes be left wondering how to make friends as an adult…

To start with, it’s important to note that it takes a significant amount of time to make good friends. In a study by University of Kansas professor Jeffrey Hall, he found that it takes about 50 hours to go from an acquaintance to casual friend. It takes another 90 hours or so to move to friend status and then an additional 200 hours to become close friends.

So, if you’re willing to put in the work, here are some ideas to get you started on building new friendships.

Starting out on making friends

So, how do you make friends as an adult? To start out, look for an activity that brings together a variety of people and encourages regular social interaction. It’s about doing activities together that gives you something to do while you slowly getting to know others. This helps with the awkwardness of just meeting people in a bar or approaching strangers at a party. You could try:

Joining a class – ever wanted to learn to paint or do pottery? Classes give you a reason for seeing people every week. Once you suss out the people in the class whom you might want to be friends with, sit closer to them and have a bit of a chat on the way out of class. After a few classes, you can offer to carpool or grab a drink afterward for additional bonding.
Volunteering – contributing to your community not only makes you feel good, but it can also be a great way to meet like-minded people. If you like animals, try volunteering at your local pound or pet rescue centre. If you want to help the environment, find a group of people who plant trees or clean up beaches or organise in other ways to make a difference.
Join a sports team – this is an easy way to meet a variety of new people and often involves training and playing multiple times per week, upping the interactions and often speeding up bonding – particularly if you can play at a higher level.

Deepening the bonds of friendship

Once you have found someone you think you might want to be friends with and you’re into the ‘acquaintances’ stage, look for opportunities to do some deeper one-on-one activities.

Go for a hike – This type of activity is quite forgiving of long periods of silence, in case you’re both still getting to know each other and the conversation isn’t quite flowing yet. You can focus on walking or you can chat as you go, either way you’ll be getting to know each other better as you go.
Plan a short holiday together – divide the planning and work on it together, this is just as important as the trip away itself. The planning together is half the fun. So, take a trip to a local winery, or to the coast for the weekend, or somewhere you both decide would be fun, and fill your days exploring a new location.
Invite a small group over for dinner – this can be a really easy way to bring different but new people together. Again, the focus can be on the food, and it’s a short, defined time if things aren’t going too well! After dinner, you could try some conversation starters (see below) if you’re a bit nervous about keeping the conversation going!

Keeping the friendship alive

I know, life gets busy, but keeping relationships takes work. Here are some tips to keep the relationship strong.

Make an effort to see your friends at least once per month. During that time, make sure you’re spending quality time together – making time to talk to each other one on one. So if you go to the movies, or theatre or a show, make sure you also grab a drink afterward, or dinner beforehand.
Don’t forget to pick up the phone and just have a chat every now and then.
Use social media to share smaller moments you can bond over. See something that reminds you of something you shared? Send it to your friend with a short message.
Remember birthdays and Christmas – even if it’s just by sending a card.
Need some inspiration for things to do? Try some of these ideas to bring inspiration into your life.

BONUS: Fun Conversation Starters For Dinner Parties

If someone was going to make a movie of your life, what actor would you choose to play you?
What is the most boring sport ever?
When making a cup of tea, do you put the milk in first or last? Why?
If you could be invisible for one day, what would you do?
Which two historical figures would produce the most amazing children?
Who would you choose to rule the world and why?
If you were forced to change your nationality, what nationality would you choose?

Related content: Read Moving On article How to make cooking fun again

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going, at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

The Benefits of Psychological Safety with Nicki Bowman (E16)

04/05/2020 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast

Psychological safety is being able to be your true self around others without being afraid of negative consequences. It has been a hot topic in the corporate world for a number of years, with many HR departments rolling out programs with slogans like “Diversity Matters – You Can be You!”

Slogans aside, psychological safety is critical to mental wellbeing. It’s about employees feeling included and safe to learn, contribute and speak up without fear, and as today’s guest, Nicki Bowman, points out, it can also impact a company’s bottom line. Nicki is a leadership consultant, speaker and author. She joins us today to talk about the importance of psychological safety and how limitless psychological safety can allow teams to thrive.

https://pod.co/happiness-for-cynics/e16-the-benefits-of-psychological-safety

About Nicki Bowman

Nicki is a leadership consultant, speaker and author. The focus of her work is teaching and inspiring leaders to provide the limitless psychological safety which allows teams to thrive, even as we all face a volatile and uncertain future. This provides the platform for an enviable, adaptable and resilient culture, and a workforce capable of exceptional performance.

Nicki’s leadership career has spanned over 21 years across industries as diverse as mining, finance, sport and manufacturing. It has seen her transition from lawyer to senior executive to professional director, culminating in the establishment of her own leadership practice.

In addition to her corporate career, Nicki has been active for many years in the philanthropic sector. Nicki was a founding director of Football South Coast Limited, is a director of Dress for Success Sydney Inc. and is the founder and Chair of its Illawarra Branch. Nicki has been recognised locally and at State level for her not-for-profit activities, including as the 2019 Australia Day Ambassador for Wollongong.

Find her at www.nickibowman.com.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer, speaker and change and resilience expert, and my co-host is Pete.

P: Hi there. I’m Peter Furness. I’m a remedial massage therapist, dance and movement practitioner, yoga loving global adventurer. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: You can find our podcast at happinessforcynics.com or visit marieskelton.com for articles and resources on change and resiliency as well as happiness and finding balance in today’s busy world. The site talks about a lot of the same research we talk about here on the podcast and has some really practical tips for bringing joy and happiness into your life.

P: So let’s get into it. Cynics the world over. It’s time to suck it up and get happy.

[Happy intro music]

M: So we’re here with Nicki Bowman and we’re talking about psychological safety. Nicki is a leadership consultant, speaker and author. The focus of her work is teaching and inspiring leaders to provide the limitless psychological safety which allows teams to thrive even as we all face a volatile and uncertain future. This provides the platform for an enviable, adaptable and resilient culture and a work force capable of exceptional performance. Nicki’s leadership career has spanned over 21 years across industries as diverse is mining, finance, sport and manufacturing. It has seen her transition from lawyer to senior executive to professional director, culminating in the establishment of her own leadership practise. In addition to her corporate career, Nicki has been active for many years in the philanthropic sector. Nicki was a founding director of Football, South Coast LTD. Is a director of Dress for Success, Sydney and is the founder and chair of its Illawarra branch. Nicki has been recognised locally and at state level for her not for profit activities, including as the 2019 Australia Day Ambassador for Wollongong.

[Nicki,] Welcome to the show. Can I start by asking you, what is psychological safety?

NB: Thanks, Marie. Well, that’s a big question to launch with psychological safety in the context that I work with it, is the ability for you to be in a place where you are able to access the full limit of your capability. If we’re not in that place, then we can’t be as effective as we would like to be. It’s about feeling like your leader has your back. It’s about knowing with clarity what your role is, what the context in which you are operating is and where you all are trying to go together. So it’s, it’s a big, that’s why I say it’s a big question to start with because it has a lot of the elements.

M: Yeah, and why, why are all those things important for people?

NB: Interestingly, my leadership career has spanned over two decades and instinctively when I started to look at this work in more detail instinctively the word safe kept coming up to me. I kept thinking to myself, what my goal is as a leader and now as a leadership consultant is to figure out how leaders create the conditions for people to do their best work. And the word that kept coming up over and over again was that can only happen when people are safe, and now we have a lot more understanding of why that is. And the reason is this. The way that we’re wired our lizard brain, so to speak, is that when we are in a state of psychological safety there are things happening neuro scientifically and chemically in our brains that are enabling us to access the tools, the creativity, collaboration and innovation.

When we are thrust into a position where we do not feel safe and that can run the gamut from working for say an actively toxic organisation where people are yelling and screaming and harassing and bullying. That’s one extreme. But it can also occur in an environment where leaders are just not sure about how to lead us with certainty. They just don’t have the tools to put us in that place. What we now know is our bodies can’t tell the difference between essentially being chased by a sabre toothed tiger and being in a workplace where our psychological safety is compromised. So what happens is our fight, flight or freeze response kicks in, and when that kicks in, it automatically stops us being able to access so much of what our brains would otherwise have to offer.

So in other words, the cortisol rushes in, and it dampens down the good chemicals like dopamine and serotonin and all the things that make us want to succeed and collaborate and praise others and be praised, and instead we go back into survival mode. And when we’re in survival mode, we’re just thinking about what’s happening in the next five minutes and making sure that we’re not getting our heads bitten off metaphorically or actually on. We’re not actually thinking creatively unable to access all of those amazing capabilities that we have.

M: There’s so much in there that I would love to unpack.

NB: Yes

M: [Laugh] So I guess, is this something that for humans is a bit newer because of the shift in how we traditionally have worked in an industrial era to now the skill sets that we’re encouraging in the workplace and you mentioned quite a few of them: creativity, collaboration, all of those things, is this indicative of how the world is changing? This new foc[us] –is it a new focus? Or has it always been there?

NB: Look, my belief is that it is. It is very much a new focus for the broader community at large. I agree with you 100%. I think in the days when things were… look the whole environment has changed. Not only has the nature of work that humans do changed we’re increasingly [changing], robotics, automation and AI are taking over what we used to think of as the mundane tasks right, the task that didn’t require you to apply a lot of intellectual horsepower, the tasks that didn’t require you to have to collaborate directly with people that didn’t require a lot of creativity, those tasks are increasingly being automated. So that’s one thing.

M: uh huh

NB: So now where people are in the workplace, we actually are looking to them to be at their most human. I think that’s a reason why leaders are now looking for new tools, because back in the day when command control was the preferred style of leadership. The other reason that it remained relatively effective as a modality in those days was that people obtained a lot of certainty and security elsewhere in their life. So, for example, jobs used to be almost for life maybe if not for life. But people entered the workforce with an expectation that if they went into a good job, say at a bank or it somewhere like BHP or one of the big industrial companies that they would enter and they would stay in that job for decades. Yeah?

M: Yeah

NB: The outside world also moved along relatively slowly. There weren’t great disruptive changes to technology and if there were, they were coming at a pace that was slow enough for people to absorb. So now that we live in a world where things are changing so rapidly, it’s almost exhausting to keep up where we are constantly bombarded day in, day out, with so many sources of information about so many different things, we don’t even know where to look. And the economy is shifting towards a far less stable model of employment. It’s become much more critical that leaders create a safe, stable place in the workplace even if that, they can’t fix the problem that the economy has shifted or that the world is much faster and that the rate of change is picking up. They can’t change that, but what they now need to do to enable people to perform effectively is we need to work a lot harder as leaders to create that safety for our people because once again to go back to my original point, if you’re not in that place of psychological safety, you cannot access the tools that you need to succeed in the next economy and in fact, the next economy is already here so that’s why it’s become much more critical that leaders learn to provide that sense of security because in previous times first the jobs were different, but also the surrounding world was different. So we were able to access that security in a number of different places where now it just simply doesn’t exist.

M: OK, all right, I’m going to come to how to do that in a little bit. But can you share some example? So you’ve been working as a leadership consultant and talking to companies about how to do this. Can you share some examples of changes you’ve seen in work cultures and how this is positively impacted people and teams?

NB: Yes, I can. So one of the more extreme examples that I saw and I saw this when I was still working in a leadership role was a particular, it was a factory an industrial site, and I met with the person who had been the leader of that site. Now, when he came into that site, the relationship between union and unions and management was so bad that literally the union leaders had taken to the manager’s cars with baseball bats.

M: Oh, wow.

NB: Management required security to even enter the workplace. So this, people jump to that and they jumped to ‘Oh, Unions [versus] Management, you’re not talking about psychological safety’, but in fact what happened was a complete transformation in that relationship occurred, and it occurred because this particular leader was able to implement a number of changes in the way that the plant was run, which effectively provided the psychological safety that these people needed. So if you think about what they were acting out against, they were acting out against the fact that they were being kept in the dark by management. They were acting out against the fact that they were not being given a clear direction and clear instructions. They were acting out against the fact that the lines of communication between Union and Management, well, employees and management, I should say, almost didn’t exist outside of the adversarial union environment. So when people were entering that workplace, they entered it immediately feeling that they were in a hostile environment. So when that happens, what immediately happens, of course, is our cortisol is surging, and once again, our brains are not behaving in the way that they should behave and they’re not looking for collaboration. They’re not looking for ways to work together. They’re not looking for accessing creativity and problem solving.

So this particular leader, started to work with the existing people. So it’s really important to note this. This was a plant in quite a remote part off the country. Where it was not an option to change out the work force, okay. So, so often the solution that people see is ‘Oh well, obviously those people are all horrible and they’ve got baseball bats, and they just need to be gotten rid of.’ No, that wasn’t an option. So this, this leader had to work with who was there. And so what he did was he started with some very simple things. He started with understanding, how is the plant structured? Is it structured in the right way? Do we have the right people doing the right work at the right levels, in the company? Are there people who are perhaps in roles that aren’t quite the right fit for them and therefore they’re, they’re completely stressed in their roles, not because they’re not good people, but just because they’re in the wrong job. Then, once we’ve looked at that, let’s look at the lines of communication, obviously setting up a two way street of communication which is, which is a direct employer employee conversation, not an adversarial thing that’s in with the baggage of decades of antiquity. Let’s talk about how we are very clear about people’s roles and giving them the maximum possible discretion in their roles. Yes, so not trying to shut them down, but actually going what are their capabilities and let’s let the work to those capabilities. So that’s just an example of some of the things that he did overtime, and I visited that plant with him, and it was extraordinary to see the relationship that he had with the workers and how freely they spoke about the absolutely dramatic transformation that occurred under his leadership and the results of that plant. The proof was in the pudding in terms of the improvements that they had had in safety as in physical safety. So there was a direct relationship in terms of their physical safety outcomes, in terms of their productivity, in terms of their ability to ride out some very, very significant economic disturbances and industrial, industry-wide downturns. Their ability to navigate that successfully and continue to operate as a profitable entity was quite remarkable.

M: What I’m hearing and this might be because of my background in communications. [Laugh]

NB: Yep

M: But what I’m hearing is in a time of huge change, people are looking for certainty and you might not be able to give them complete certainty. But if you communicate really well and open up those lines of communication, it goes a long way. Am I paraphrasing and oversimplifying too much?

NB: No, you’re taking part of it, though. Maybe part of it. A big part of it is being really improving the lines of communication, but also the way that you communicate. So, for example, a really important piece of helping people feel tethered is purpose and purpose operates at sort of two levels.

One, it operates at a higher level in terms of what is the purpose of our whole organisation, right? Why are we here? Why do we come to work? Because if we can give people a tether to purpose that they believe in, then they will be less likely to get attached to the way they do things. If they don’t feel like they’re attached to the way they do things and believe, and remember people needing to feel safe. So they’re trying to attach themselves to something right? So if they can’t attach themselves to a job for life because that’s gone, then they’ll attach themselves to the way they do things in the job unless there’s something higher that they can attach themselves to.

So this is where we get into trouble, for example, with a lot of change initiatives where people [are] like all we have to change. But if people are buying into the purpose of the organisation in the first place and therefore buying into the fact that the change is being driven to enhance that purpose, then what are they going to cling to? The thing that gives them security and the thing that gives them security is the way they do stuff. So that’s purpose at one level, it’s, it’s about allowing people to buy into a higher order of purpose around what they do.

And the second way that purpose comes into it in terms of communication, as a leader, is to give people context. So when you are assigning tasks when you are talking about events that are occurring within the firm or the organisation. When you are developing new projects, if you’re just lobbing them into these people out of thin air, it’s much harder to get their engagement. And it’s much harder to therefore get them to feel safe and secure in what they’re doing. If you can centre it by giving them the bigger picture and saying, OK, here’s the context in which I’m asking you to do this task. And here’s how it plugs into the business plan, the strategic plan, the overall purpose of the organisation. Once again, that’s giving people a sense of security that is going to enable them to perform a lot better when they are discharging that task.

M: Okay, so it seems to make sense. [Laughter] You take it one step further, though, and you talk about your limitless safety.

NB: Yep, I do.

M: What’s that about?

NB: The reason I like to call it limitless safety is that sometimes the word safety implies to people that there is a restraint, if you know what I mean. The word safe tends to make people think of cocoons, and it sometimes makes them think of the rules and regulations that stop you doing things and in fact the opposite is true. It’s only when you’ve got limitless safety that you can start to move towards limitless creativity, limitless results, limitless performance. So it’s the convergence of a world where everything is changing faster than we can make out where the nature of all the workplaces are changing. In order to allow people to navigate that successfully and to unleash their creativity we actually have to give them limitless safety. It sounds very counterintuitive, but it’s a way of showing people that, in fact, safety is the starting point from which you can launch your full capability. If you cannot step into safety first, then you will never be able to reach the limits of your capability.

NB: I love it. Okay, so we’re running up to the 20 minutes that we set aside for the show. Can we, maybe finish with some tips, obviously we’ll put a link to your site so people can contact you if they’re interested in reaching out to you. But can you leave them with just a little bit of what it is you do? And maybe some tips on how they can develop a limitless safety culture in their organisation or teams?

M: Sure. Thank you. Yes, so what I do now? As I said, I spent more than two decades in leadership and what I’ve done now is set up a leadership consultant, consultancy and I work with predominantly organisations, occasionally individuals around the principles that found that sense of limitless safety. So the framework I’ve developed her seven elements, two of them are organisational. And that is something that’s often missed from discussions around psychological safety and culture in the workplace. It’s about getting the structure of the organisation right and the fit of the rolls right before you then turn to the individual behaviours. And so there are five individual behaviours around conveying purpose, enforcing standards, setting boundaries, maintaining awareness and making decisions that are critical for leaders to be able to understand and adequately exercise so that they can give their people the absolute best chance of achieving limitless performance.

M: Okay, and they’re going to have to go to your website to find out more I think. [Laugh]

NB: I run coaching, I run workshops and I run much more immersive programmes for organisations across the number of months for people that really want to get it to the next level.

M: Absolutely, and I think again coming back to Happiness for cynics. The podcast that we’re on right now. If you’re not safe, feeling safe at work, you’re not going to be happy and living your best life. So really important topic. And thank you so much for talking to us.

NB: You’re very welcome. Thanks for having me on. And yes, I think ah, lot of people are extremely cynical about the workplace and about what’s happening in the workplace. But I’m all about the fact that limitless safety is what’s going to drive them away from their cynicism and into the happiness space.

M: I love it. Okay. Well, thank you so much.

NB: Thanks, Marie. I appreciate the chance to talk too.

The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life: Ikigai

29/04/2020 by Marie

How To Find Your Passion And Purpose

Many philosophers have pondered the meaning of life over the centuries, and more recent research has shown the link between longevity and happiness, but what’s the real, tangible key to finding your passion and purpose?

Although the scientific and philosophical contributions over the past centuries have been many, no one idea has seen tangible results more than the concept of Ikigai.

Ikigai comes from the people in the small Japanese community of Okinawa, a remote island with a remarkably high number of centenarians (people over 100 years old). Although their impressive age has been attributed in part to their diets, the practice of IIkigai has also been noted as a major factor not only in their longevity but also their happiness.

What Is Ikigai?

In English, the rough translation of Ikigai is “reason for being” or you could see it as your reason for getting out of bed in the morning. More than that, it’s a guide to living a fulfilling, happy life. A guide to finding your passion and purpose.

In short, having purpose makes you happier, which in turn helps you live a longer and more satisfied life. The diagram below outlines the four overlapping elements of Ikigai: what you love, what you are good at, what the world needs, and what you can be paid for.

The Japanese Art of Ikigai - finding your passion and purpose

Often represented as a Venn diagram, Ikigai is a great tool for self-reflection and to help you think about all the things that may bring you joy, passion and purpose.

Lessons From Ikigai

Author Dan Buettner wrote the book Blue Zones: Lessons on Living Longer from the People Who’ve Lived the Longest. Working for National Geographic, he travelled the world to explore the communities where people live the longest, which he calls “blue zones.”

Buettner says the older generations in Okinawa not only have an understanding of their Ikigai, but most importantly they put it into practice. For some this means regular catch-ups with friends to sing and dance, for others this is by regularly giving back to the community and finding ways to be useful in society – which brings thanks from colleagues and boost self-esteem.

This is backed up by all the latest science: people who are happy and fulfilled lived longer. And not only that, they live better lives too.

So, at this point you might be thinking, “well that’s nice but I have bills to pay.” And, yes, the reality is that you cannot always do what you love for work. Sometime, you have to do what’s needed to pay the bills.

But just because your job just needs to help you get food on the table and keep the utilities on, that doesn’t mean you can’t have purpose and passion in life. The good news is that your Ikigai isn’t synonymous with your job. You can have a job that just pays the bills while filling your hours outside of work with activities that bring you joy, happiness and satisfaction.

Having said that, if you downright hate your job, you may wish to look into finding another one too – because even if your life is great outside of work, that amount of hours every week doing something that is sucking the life out of you is not healthy. This doesn’t always mean that the job itself is bad, and you need to retrain or start from scratch. Sometimes all you need is a new company or team or happier people around you. Either way, don’t stay in a job that you hate and expect the rest of your life to not be impacted.

Related reading: 5 Life Lessons They Should Teach At School

Taking Action: Finding Your Passion And Purpose

So how do you find your passion and purpose?

The first step to changing your life is to start by understanding it better. Do some self-reflection and find the one or two things that satisfy all four Ikigai elements. Write down all the things that you enjoy, that bring you flow or make you happy. Download your free worksheet and get started on some brainstorming.

Next, you need to change your habits, and set some goals. Knowledge without action is useless. If you need some help to turn your newfound knowledge into action, perhaps the best book about changing habits is James Clear’s Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. In his book, he helps people to make time for new habits (even when life gets crazy) by making tiny, easy changes that deliver big results.

Final Lessons From The Blue Zones

There are a few other things that people from Okinawa, and other blue zones all have in common.

Keep your mind active: It’s critical to stay mentally active, particularly after retirement. You can read books, listen to podcasts or Ted-talks, travel or learn new skills like gardening or creative arts.
Stay social: Staying involved in the community is also critical to a longer life. You can volunteer, join classes, book groups, or anything else that encourages regular social interaction.
Eat well: eating a healthy diet means including a variety of food groups, good portion control, eating plenty of fresh foods instead of processed and packaged foods, limiting (or eliminating) unhealthy fats and sugar.
Get outside and do light exercise: The mental and physical benefits of being outside, coupled with the physical benefits of exercise make going for a walk one of the best things you can do for yourself on a daily basis. Even better, go for a walk with a friend or loved one.
Give thanks: Practicing gratitude makes you happier and less stressed, and it leads to higher overall wellbeing and satisfaction with your life and social relationships.

Good luck finding your passion and purpose!

Want To Know More? Try Reading These Great Books.

Please note that I get a small commission if you buy something from my site. Your support helps to keep this site going, at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

Social Media Detoxing (E15)

27/04/2020 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast

We discuss the reasons why you should do a social media detox, offer some tips to get you started and discuss the benefits of cutting social media out of your life (well, sometimes).

https://pod.co/happiness-for-cynics/e15-social-media-detoxing

Transcript

M: Hi world. You’re listening to the podcast. Happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a change and resiliency expert, and my co-host is Pete.

P: Hi there. I’m Peter Furness. I’m an isolation domestic goddess, a manager of mischief, and distraction project manager. Each week we’re bringing you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

You can find our podcast and a bunch of resources and articles on change, resiliency, happiness and living your best life all at marieskelton.com.

So for today’s episode we’re talking about social media and particularly, in particular, how to do a social media detox.

So time for the happy music.

[Happy intro music]

M: All right, so welcome to today’s show. Today we’re talking about social media detoxes Pete.

P: Hmm… the detox, a word that I never use and I am very against.

M: Hehe as a principle, so am I.

[Laughter]

P: [Whispers] They don’t work.

[More laughter]

P: In social media maybe they do, we are yet to see.

M: Hmm and I think the irony here is that you’ve kind of done a social media detox at some point in your life haven’t you?

P: I was looking at some of this stuff. Yes, definitely have definitely gone the ah ‘I refuse to be dictated to’, She Ra, Princess of Power says no.

[Laughter]

P: So, I think the reason this is, is so relevant right now, again social isolation is changing our behaviours and our emotions and our lives. It’s changing everything. Covert 19 has had such a big impact on us and one of the things that it has impacted is the amount of social media and media that people are consuming on a day to day basis. So they’re definitely pockets of people who are doing more with their lives. They’re working. Maybe they’re working harder. Particularly the wonderful, wonderful people in the healthcare industry, bless their cotton socks for everything that they’re doing.

Thank you. So there are a lot of people who don’t have more time on their hands. But on the flip side, there are so many people who do have more time on their hands. I’m actually seeing a lot of that in my workplace. I’m getting very polarised experiences of the covert response from movement, to screen time, to balance of life to cooking. There are people who would do really well with this. But there are some people who aren’t. There are certain aspects that some people are going ‘Oh wow, I get time to look after my meal plan a lot more, I can cook at home, I could be eating better. I’m not grabbing whatever crap is [available] as I run out the door to beat the nine AM train rush.’ So it’s a very polar experience for some people.

M: Absolutely, so this won’t relate to everyone. But we’re here to talk about the impacts of social media and over use of social media.

P: What is overuse Marie? What defines over use of social media?

M: So I think it comes down to whether or not it has a negative impact on your life, so I’ll pawn some stats here from Australia.

So there’s 18 million active social media users in Australia, so that 69% of the population and that’s a stat[itistic] from 2019.

Facebook’s the most popular social media platform, with about 16 million monthly users on the website.

So in and of itself, social media isn’t a bad thing, and social media use can actually be a really positive thing. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with spending time on social media. The thing to be aware of is how it makes you feel, and also there’s a distinction that will get to in a little bit about using it with purpose and intention versus mindlessly using it.

P: I like it. I like that angle of mindlessly because I think too often people reach for the phone, they’re, they’re, scrolling without realising that they’re scrolling. And I think that’s, that’s a real sign that there might be a little bit too much obsession on there. And I’ve had a bit of experience with that myself actually.

M: I wouldn’t even necessarily call it obsession, Pete. Sometimes it’s just laziness. It’s just not being aware to be mindful. And I do it when you’re waiting for the bus or you’re waiting for your coffee to come. You just look at your phone, like that’s just the way that people work nowadays, right?

P: I’ve done a bit of reading around this and come across that it’s the habit, it’s the habit of picking up the phone and one of the things that we, I guess you use the word mindfulness and I’ll go with you on that one. It’s a, It’s a habitual physical action. We pick up the phone. The first thing you do mean a lot of people wake up is to reach for their phone. Is that something that we just need to change and will that then influence the way that we interact with our phones and with social media? Are we just mindlessly going there because there is nothing else to distract us and in doing that, are we being dictated to by the social media platforms?

M: I think the answer is yes, but I don’t think that it’s because there’s nothing else to distract us. I think as human beings, do you remember being a kid and being bored? ‘I’m bored’, right? And mom would be like, ‘go play outside’ like that was the solution when we were kids. Now it’s ‘ugh stop annoying me, go get the iPad or turn on the TV or go to your computer’ or whatever tool it is to fill that time. So we’re training our kids in a way to never be bored, and I’ve mentioned this Ted talk before, but there’s a great Ted talk about the power of being bored and how, when we’re bored, our brain actually has the time to make random connections, which is why all of the great ideas come when you’re washing your hair in the shower or doing the dishes, or you know, those moments where you’re not using your brain for anything like scrolling social media, watching TV, having a conversation, etcetera. So your mind is on autopilot and it has a chance to rest and relax and make those connections. And so having a phone constantly around and picking it up to fill in those moments of boredom has become a habit. You’re right, but it’s also depriving our brain from some really valuable moments that we should be actually trying to encourage a bit more of.

P: Definitely. I think it comes down to a personal awareness initially, even when you were talking about kids and so forth. But I remember making the choice myself to actually stop looking at my phone on the bus and to actually go across the bridge and look out at the sun shining on the harbour, which is a pretty bloody beautiful sight and to actually train myself to not be constantly looking at a screen for the entire bus trip. Okay, I’ll check my phone before I get on, but then when I’m sitting down, I’m actually gonna put my phone in my bag. I’m going to look out at the world. I’m going to see what the morning is doing. I’m going to notice the people who are sitting with me on the bus or who are riding next to me on the bicycle, passing on the street, making that choice to be engaged with what is around.

M: Ah nice.

P: In England I was doing that and everyone was watching a parade. I think it was the Olympics and there’s this wonderful photo of all these people with their phone, capturing the moment on the phone. And then there’s this old lady with her arms crossed, just hanging out and smiling and going ‘Yeah, I’m just watching.’ I want to be that person. I want be the one person who doesn’t have the technology and who is just experiencing, being present, being mindful.

M: I think that’s a really good point, because if you have ever filmed an event that you were so excited to be at and turn around later and gone ‘I really just didn’t enjoy it because I was so focused on making sure I captured it.’

P: I’ve never done it, but I’ve been very conscious of it, and I, when I go to live events, theatres. Yeah, I don’t film. I try not to. I might capture a single moment, especially if it’s a big concert or something.

M: I’m calling you, I know you have. When we went to see Elton John you did it! I saw you.

P: I waited until you and Jeffrey both pulled your phones out.

[Laughter]

P: I had permission, he he. There was a purpose in that one, that was to share with my sister. This is a point. So this comes back to how to use social media. So the information that I’ve gained is that there is a positive way to do this. There is a positive, and those few that are actually contributing to their Facebook feeds and sharing information have a better relationship with social media than those who are unnecessarily using it as a comparative method of comparing their post.

M: Yeah, and I think a lot of the research for a number of years has shown that FOMO is real and, unfortunately –

P: – FOMO?

M: Fear of missing out. Unfortunately, the view that you get from other people social feeds is that their lives are full of amazing meals with fun and friends and great activities, because you’re only seeing the best moments of someone’s life.

P: Yeah.

M: Yeah, it can be really tough to see everyone living there best lives on social media, and you don’t realise that there’s a lot of time in between those moments for people where things might not be good, so it is really important to share your moments with friends on social media but to also have that understanding that you’re only seeing highlights of people’s lives and you need to engage with people off social media to bring that balance, and that balanced view.

P: It’s the sharing that I’m interested in. That, that prospect of actually going on and sharing. Now I took my Facebook feed off about three years ago. I stopped posting and I stopped advertising events and so forth. That was a conscious decision. Every now and then I’m tempted to go back on and pop something up there when something really lovely happens, but I’ve stayed off it.

Social media for me was a negative experience because I think I fell into that group of being constantly up comparing my life to other peoples. So people were always going away on holidays. They were having an easy time with their friends on boats and things like that. I’m like oh, I don’t do any of that, which is absolute bollocks, because I do. But my consciousness was I’m not involved in that at this present moment and big celebrations when there have been social events on and I choose not to be a part of that. For example, Mardigras. I chose not to go to Mardigras one year and everyone was having a fantastic time and I got FOMO. It was that thing of ‘I’m going to turn this off because it’s just making me feel like I’m not good enough for my, I’m not involved so therefore, I don’t feel good about it and I think that’s a dangerous spot to be in. Whereas if I was involved in posting and actually putting up fabulous times like when I was on a boat a couple of months ago for my besties 40th birthday and we were jumping off the boat in Shark Bay [Laughter] you know it’s, that’s a positive spin because it is connecting with people and it’s allowing you to share those experiences. When I was reading an article by Catherine Price, author of How to Break up with your Phone and she did talk about how social media makes you feel when you do share stuff and that it is positive because sometimes you’re keeping a relationship going that may have fallen by the wayside because matters like geography, time spent, they have children, you don’t, you’re on different time schedules. The social media actually contributes to keeping those relationships going so it is very much how you use the experience.

M: I definitely agree. So, both of us have lived overseas. And for me, it’s how I keep an eye on what’s going on. And you know, we do catch up every now and then, but it’s a good in between.

P: Yeah, so the take up I’m getting from that is passive versus active users.

M: Yes

P: Don’t be a passive user be an active user. Use it to check up on your friends. Use it to find things that you’re interested in. But don’t endlessly scroll at 11 30 at night when you’re in bed alone and feeling down. It’s a no brainer, don’t.

M: That’s a really good point. Before we move on I do just want to say there the studies show that poor social media use and excessive social media use. So when I say poor, it’s that mindless or passive social media use leads to depression, increased anxiety, increased loneliness, sleeplessness and a raft of other mental health issues. So this, this is a thing. It is serious, and social media sites are designed in a way to activate our pleasure centres. This is the thing, if you’ve ever worked with UX and behavioural economists. A lot of large corporations now, know exactly where to place a button to make you more or less likely to click on it. And they’ve actually gotten so good at knowing how people respond to colours, shapes, design, layout, etcetera and driving the behaviour they want that there’s now a whole field of research into the ethics of that, right. So that all that, like it’s crazy how much this stuff is actually a field and exists. So what they do with social media sites is that they design them to keep you here, to keep you coming back. So they’re activating those pleasure centres so they offer positive reinforcement like Pavlov’s dog. Keep giving you treats and those treats are ‘likes’ they’re the ‘thumbs up’ and people come back, right.

P: Yes. The self-esteem behind Social media is its positive affirmation.

M: Absolutely.

P: And that’s what we’re all after, we’re all after those ‘thumbs up’ and ‘likes’, and I remember when I used to post checking in to see who liked my post did the person that I really, really wrote it for over in Kazakhstan or something see it and like it, and you keep checking it.

M: Yep

[Laughter]

M: And now that we’re putting a lot more ethical and moral pressure on companies like Facebook. We’re seeing changes happen in the industry actually, we’re seeing that you can’t see who’s liked posts necessarily on some platforms, so they are changing slowly to meet the changing consumer expectations. So this is definitely an evolving area. But let’s talk about how people can do social media detox.

M: So firstly it’s, it’s important to ask whether you need to do one. And as we said before, I think it’s about starting with some self-reflection and evaluating your habits. So maybe spend a week just jotting down, you can do it on your phone if you want, just jotting down all the times that you pick up your phone so it starts by being aware. And while you do that, put a rating. So maybe a one to five rating of how you’re feeling when you do it. So is it impacting your mental wellness, your productivity, your creativity? How are you feeling after you’ve been using your phone? And if you come away not having a good feeling from the social media you used or from your amount of social media use? There’s five quick things that you can do. So I’m going to fly through these because I think we’re running low on time here Pete.

So first, find a detox, buddy.

All the research shows that you’re more likely to complete any kind of new habit, so weight loss, new exercise regimes all the rest of it if you’ve got a buddy.

The second thing is get used to the idea of being okay with being bored.

The goal here is to take back your time and mindfulness and that means replacing hours of endless scrolling with more fun but mindful activities. So it means being present and being okay with maybe being bored.

So number three and this is the big one.

Delete your Social Media Apps.

P: [Deep breath in!]

M: You know, if that makes you feel anxious, remember this is only temporary.

P: I can see people clutching their pearls right now. [Laugh]

M: People are like ‘delete, stupid podcast –

[Laughter]

M: – never coming back to that.’ But if, it’s worth remembering that deleting your apps off your phone is only temporary, you can load them back up again tomorrow. Whenever you need to. So, so before you feel that anxiety, know that it is temporary. And if you really can’t delete them, or can’t bring yourself to delete them, move them into a folder on one of the back screens. If you want to take it one step further during Corona virus, you might also want to limit your news intake to 30 minutes a day.

Finally change your lock screen.

So this simple act will make you think every time you have to answer your phone. So if you change your password you’ve got to stop and think ‘What was the new password?’ And that could be enough to stop you from mindlessly getting on to phone and opening an app.

P: Yes, I’ve got one more to add there Marie, I really like this one. Put a rubber band around your phone.

M: Yeah, I saw that one. Yeah, that’s the same, same premise. The physical barrier.

P: Yeah, you’ve got to take it off before you decide am I going to scroll? Okay, I’m going to take that off it’s going clock into my time, so triggers, triggers a memory in your brain.

M: Yep, yep. So and look, there’s a couple other things here. I’m going to quickly throw them in there if you can go buy yourself an alarm so that you stop using your phone last thing at night, and first thing in the morning. And it’s not the last and first thing you’re picking up and you can leave it in another room.

And then lastly, start a new project the week that you’re starting a social media detox. So book in some time with friends or get started on a course or something? Yeah and that’ll help you to shift your time to something productive.

P: Yeah, Active distraction.

M: So before we go, Pete, you said that you at one point stopped using a social media. You noticed that it was leading to bad mental space. What was the impact after you made this? Did the detox, made the stop?

P: Hit the delete?

M: Yep

P: [Singing] freedom!

[Laughter]

M: There you go. That’s all you needed to say, right?

P: Ha ha, for me it was the way the mindfulness crept back in. I was solely focused on my tasks. I wasn’t very easily distracted, and I found I had more time. I think that’s the biggest takeaway from me from this, from that experience, well it’s something that I’ve continued to do much to my friends disgust when they can’t contact me during the day. Marie Skelton.

[Laughter]

P: I had to put a special ring tone on my phone. So I knew it was you.

M: [Laugh] I don’t see your point. Is that a bad thing?

P: It’s that thing of being really focused on a task. No, I’m in one hour slots during the day and not having that distraction made me really focuse on what I was doing.

M: All right. Well, that’s all we have time for this week. But we will see you again next week. And thank you for joining us.

P: Stay happy folks

[Happy exit music]

5 Best FREE Positive Psychology Online Courses

22/04/2020 by Marie

positive psychology theories book in library

Start your Journey to a Happier Life Today!

It’s no secret that happier people do better in life. They’re more likely to get and stay married, they are more likely to graduate from university, they have more friends, more money, and feel more confident, and they are even more physically healthy. And yes, you guessed it, that means they live longer too!

So, how can you learn to be happy? It’s simple, just sign up for one of the many life-changing free positive psychology courses below and start your journey to being happier.

Top 5 Free Positive Psychology Courses online

The Science of Well-Being (Coursera, 4.9 stars)

This is the free version of Yale’s most popular class ever. Professor Laurie Santos first taught this class in 2018 in response to concerning levels of student depression, anxiety, and stress. It became the most popular class in Yale’s history and garnered national and international media attention. Now, you can take it for free. You will learn skills of gratitude, happiness, mediation and savouring.

The Science of Happiness (EdX)

This 8-week course is run by the team at the University of Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and was the first online course to teach positive psychology. Join the 409,000 student who have already learned the science-based principles and practices for a happy, meaningful life. You’ll learn what happiness really means and why it matters to you; how to increase your own happiness and foster happiness in others; why social connections, kindness, and community are key to happiness; which mental habits are most conducive to happiness and how mindfulness can help.

Develop Creative & Happy Mindset – Rise in Love with Life (Udemy, 4.8 stars)

Learn the positive habits to reignite your creative drive and happiness. Wake up awesome and live with passion. Learn about how to clarify your dreams, strengths and passions in life; develop a positive mindset and positive self-talk; be more happy and enthusiastic; and be more creatively engaged in your life.

A Life of Happiness and Fulfillment (Coursera, 4.8 stars)

One of the most popular courses on happiness with over 130, 000 students. The course is based on the award-winning class offered both at the Indian School of Business and at the McCombs School of Business at The University of Texas at Austin. Take this course to find out the answers to questions like “why aren’t the smart and the successful as happy as they could—or should—be?” and ”What are the “7 Habits of the Highly Happy” and how can you implement them in your life?”

The Foundations of Happiness at Work (EdX)

Another great course from the team at the University of Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, this course explains what happiness at work looks like, why it matters, and how to cultivate it. Learn why happiness at work matters and how to increase it within yourself and across your organization.

And here’s one more, just because I can…

Returning to a State of Happiness (Udemy, 4.8 stars)

The state of happiness is your most natural state of being. Learn how to become as happy as a carefree child; what stops you from experiencing the state of happiness you know is possible; and how to find inner peace.

Best CHEAP Positive Psychology Courses Online

But wait! If you didn’t see something you like in the above free Positive Psychology Courses, don’t fret! There are even more options that are not free, but really quite cheap.

Foundations of Positive Psychology Specialization (Coursera, 4.7 stars)

Run by one of the founding fathers of positive psychology, Dr. Martin E.P. Seligman, this five-course specialization provides you with the key theories and research in the field of positive psychology as well as opportunities for application. Positive Psychology: Well-being for life. Master strategies and tools that enable individuals and organizations to thrive

Be Happier with Positive Psychology (Udemy)

The Science of psychology and happiness shows tested ways to increase your well-being and life satisfaction. Sign up as a new student and get 85% off this course, only $14.99

Certified Positive Psychology Practitioner [Accredited] (Udemy)

Psychology of Happiness: Learn about and Get Practical Tools to Become Happier and Even More Successful. Sign up as a new student and get 85% off this course, only $16.99

Certified Habits Life Coach Positive Psychology [Accredited] (Udemy)

Professional Life Coach Certification: Habits and Happiness Accredited Certification with 40 CPD/CE Educational Credits. Sign up as a new student and get 85% off this course, only $12.99 Not quite ready to sign up to a course but want to learn a bit more about how to be happy? Read these 50 science-backed activities you can incorporate into your life that are proven to help you be happy: How to be happy – 50 science-backed ways to improve your happiness.

Prefer to Read?

Here are some great positive psychology books to read.

Want more Happiness and Resiliency in Your Life?

Get my free resiliency workbook!

Please note that if you purchase some items on or via my site, I get a small commission that helps me to keep this blog running. It doesn’t increase the cost to you but it makes a big difference to me! Thanks.

The Importance of Being Social (E14)

20/04/2020 by Marie

Happiness for Cynics podcast – episode 14

Human beings are social animals, which is why forced isolation is driving so many of us up the walls. We discuss the science behind why we need to be social, and how best to be social, and offer some tips to keep your sanity in today’s locked down world.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker, focused on change and resiliency. My co-host is Peter.

P: Hi I’m Peter Furness and I’m a roof gardening, garage exercising, sometimes carpenter of strange door frames. Each week we will bring to you the latest news of research in the world of positive psychology. Otherwise, known as happiness.

M: You can visit us at www.marieskelton.com and on that site you can send us ideas for people to interview or topics to cover or just tell us we’re wrong! [laughs] So today’s podcast… what are we talking about today, Pete?

P: We’re talking about socialising and isolation.

M: Sounds like a plan. Cue music.

[Happy music]

P: Happy music, it just it still makes us laugh. You said it wouldn’t, but it does.

M: It does. I hate and love it at the same time. Okay. All right. Well, Pete, today we’re talking about being social and particularly in light of coronavirus and being socially isolated for a lot of us. I think this is going to be a great conversation because of our personalities the introvert and extrovert, we’re on almost polar opposite ends.

P: Almost. There’s a bit of each of each of us in the other.

M: Definitely. And they say about introverts and extraverts that you’re never 100% one or 0% the other. There’s a mix in there. It’s a good mixed drink.

P: Yeah, but you’re loving the isolation. You’re getting in there, you’re in a happy space.

M: I’m thriving. Yeah, definitely. I am finding my passion in delving into creative pursuits and not being bothered by pesky people.

P: Haha, Pesky people almost sounds like a tongue twister. It’s actually my first quote for today is “solitude is not negative for everyone.”

M: Absolutely love it.

P: It is a balancing act though it’s, even for introverts, there’s the whole thing about how much social isolation is too much and people in the research that I’ve done, and the people have read, they have talked about even introverts can have too much isolation and too much alone time. And that’s kind of the space that I think I’m going to dive into a little bit today, is how to find the right balance with social isolation.

M: I absolutely agree. I think the other distinction here is being alone is very different from being lonely, and that for me is the line that you cross. You can thrive while being alone, but at some point if you’re alone too much, you may become lonely, and that’s a really dangerous place to be. And I think we mentioned that we did talk about the benefits of being alone in one of our previous episodes.

So just to give us the same the same grounding. In order for our species to survive, we needed to be social. And it’s a uniquely human trait. To have the ability to be compassionate and to care.

P: Yes, definitely. It’s one of our really important mechanisms that our species has used to survive because we inherently care about the other person and we’ve got that pack mentality.

M: Yeah

P: Shultz, Opie and Atkinson from Oxford University and we’ve got the University of St Andrews in Fyfe in the UK that have all done studies that prove this, and they talk about the way that communication was needed for our primates to survive, and also that communication was invented to go beyond the geographical. So we started using language. We started using symbols and hieroglyphics and all that sort of stuff to communicate, even though we couldn’t be next to somebody. So that’s been one of the chief aspects that has allowed us as a species to evolve.

M: Yeah, absolutely. And along the way, as we’ve evolved, we’ve become craftier and craftier at designing tools to enable us to communicate. And one of the, I think the ironies of all of this is that face to face communication, time and time again has been proven to be the deepest and most beneficial form of communication. And all these tools that we’ve designed lately are actually taking us away from what is essentially the best way to communicate. So, writing on people’s Facebook, Twitter feeds, etcetera… all these other social media channels, email, even telephone. All of that is not ever as good as face to face communication.

P: And there’s a reason scientifically for it Marie.

M: [Laugh]

P: I’ve got some information here that talks about face to face interaction by Susan Pinker, she talks about stimulating neurotransmitters primarily it’s oxytocin, which is the big one that’s concerned with the reward and pleasure and then we’ve also got dopamine and serotonin, which are also secreted during that face on face interaction. [Laugh] Now you could say that face time and zooming –

M: [Laughing] Hold on, hold on –

P: What, what, what, what?

M: You just said face on face.

P: Face on face interaction. It means you’re looking at someone.

M: No, face on face is like ‘I got to second base’.

P: [Laugh] it’s, okay… I’ve lost my train of thought now.

M: I’ll pick up, then I’ll keep going with that. So, apart from all the feel-good chemicals in there, there are a raft of benefits, so face to face communication is the best. The other ways that we communicate and bond with other people are still valid in the absence of face to face. So before you all run screaming for your… bedroom – like you can’t go far right now with COVID-19 wherever it is that you run to, to hide in your house – because you’re there alone and we’ve just told you face to face is the best way to communicate. There are still other ways that you can communicate and still get the benefits, but they just won’t be as strong. And that’s probably a lot of what people are missing right now, particularly the extroverts who thrive off those positive chemicals

P: I’ve got some statistics here that from Professor Matthew Lieberman at the University of California in Los Angeles. He talks about the fact that that social motivation, social contact helps to improve memory formation and memory recall in your brain. So it’s keeps your neuro plasticity going, which is a huge aspect which we’ll talk about later in terms of the Super Ages, the people who are over eighty and all that cognitive, behavioural stuff that goes on. So being social and having a social conscience actually really triggers all that sort of stuff. And the other big one that he, he talks about is the neurodegenerative diseases. So it protects the brain from falling into that space where you’re not using certain pathways, you’re not using your links and they can die. If we’re not using all that, as we age as well, it becomes more important and I’ll talk about that more when we get down to that section.

M: What section? Let’s talk about it now.

P: Oh, okay. So super ageists, people over 80, they have, the ones who do really well have a really good quality of life. There’s one thing that they have identified with the research that they all have and that’s close friendships, and it’s funny that they liken this to teenagers. When we’re teenagers we have lots of really good friends and we’re hanging out, we’re going to the mall. We’re doing all this sort of stuff and they say that the Super Ages, who have those kinds of friendships into that later years actually have the behavioural cognition of teenagers.

M: Yep

P: So their brains are like teenagers. The contact with fellow ages provides a support for when times are tough. So when you are going through a bad time, or you are having issues with financial issues or personal relationships or just not feeling great, if you’re with a closely bonded group, people pick up on that. It only takes one person to go. Do you need a cup of tea Beryl? Maybe an iced vovo?

M: [Laugh] I love that you switch into 80 year old country Australian lady.

P: [Laugh] everybody had 90 year old Beryl or Aunty Esme.

M: [Laugh] Esme, we all watched ‘A Country Practice’.

P: [Laugh] Yeah, exactly.

M: What I love about the Super Ages and for those of you who may not be familiar with the term of super agers, Pete mentioned is over 80 and they are living a good life, free of major health concerns. So the main ones, the big ones, are any of the degenerative neuro[logical] or brain diseases.

P: Dementia and Alzheimer’s.

M: And Diabetes is another disease that can severely impact your wellbeing later in life. And I think it’s great, there’s a community and a concept that came out of this community in Japan called Ikigai, and if you haven’t looked up Ikigai it is a great way to do a bit of self-reflection about what’s important to you in life in general, and to help find your purpose and passions so Ikigai all about finding a purpose and passion. And they’ve got this group of super ages in Japan who were not only over 80 they’re all over 100.

[Laughter]

M: Right?! And they’re all great, like they’re just killing it, right. And they’ve got these great cultural norms in that town that mean that their society is so tight knit and they all look after each other. And it’s all about the social aspect. And when you look at super ages in, they call them blue zones around the world. So where are the pockets of the people that are living good lives later in life? There are definitely things to be said for not smoking, not consuming too much alcohol. Having good diets, doing exercise but all of those things vary except –

P: The one constant.

M: The one constant is your social connections and the depth of social connections. It’s really fascinating.

P: There’s another doctor who studied at an island in Greece, Dr. Archelle Georgiou and she studied Super Ages in Greece, who had a very strong family ties and spent the majority of their time with family, so um, and I think this is something that there’s also very indicative in Asian cultures is that grandma lives with the kids. So there’s Mom and Dad, there’s kids but Grandma and Grandpa are there as well and there’s a real family unit and you see it as well in other cultures, like the Italian culture and the Greek culture. Nonna and Nonno, they’re always around and there’s a really sense of commitment to that generational gap and being a part of each other’s lives. And I think that ultimately that helps, that helps create that sense of community and that sense of support. So again, reaching out to those people who are who are older is really vital because everybody benefits.

M: Yeah, I think the sad thing about what you’ve said there is that a lot of Western countries started off that way, too. But as our social safety systems have evolved, it has enabled our older people to remain independent for longer, and I don’t think that, that’s necessarily helping them. So when you have the pension and you can stay in your home, even though your significant other may have passed away. You can stay there by yourself because you could afford to. Then it really can lead to isolation. Being lonely is such an epidemic right now around the world, and they’re saying a lot of the reasons people are lonely is because we’ve actually progressed so much in society that we can be. We’re choosing it without realising the negative impact.

P: Definitely.

M: And it’s really something that people have grown up learning to covet and cherish, [it] is the ability to have your own space.

P: Yeah.

M: But just like you were saying before Pete, if you’re an introvert, you need to be careful. Well, if you live alone, you also need to be really careful.

P: Yeah, I’m going to cut in there, Marie, because there’s a there’s a couple of tips in there for people that can actually monitor their alone time. And this comes from psychology today in the States and its basically checking in and asking yourself a couple of couple of really easy questions. And the first one is how does alone time make you feel on a scale of 1 to 10. Do you feel great when you’re alone or do you feel slightly depressed, or not even depressed that just a little bit sad when you’re alone? If you’re checking that in on daily basis, if you’ve got two weeks of social isolation. If you’ve just come off a ship or something and you’re on your own that first week, you like, ‘yeah, I’m good. I’m watching … series, you know, having a great time, I’m ordering pizza, it’s really good.’ And then, towards the end of that second week your rating might be down to the down to the twos and the threes because you’re starting to crave a little bit of contact. And I think that’s a really good, easy way of checking in with yourself and just going. ‘How does being alone make me feel today?’

P: The other one that they talk about is having a weekly quota of social time. So this is a really interesting one for introverts, because for some introverts, it’s really difficult to clock up two hours of community social time for the extroverts they’re in there at [Click, click, click] six or seven.

M: Pete’s clicking his fingers if you’re wondering what that sound is. Remember it’s a podcast Pete [laugh].

P: Oh, I thought we were recording.

M: But I think a really good point there, though, is that for introverts. A lot of them thrive in one to one conversation, and that is their comfort zone. And that’s where they get their really solid social interaction.

P: And that’s still social time. It’s still valid.

M: And we’re not… We’re not having wild parties right now because we’ve tried it on Zoom and we just end up talking over each other and it doesn’t work. But I think, I think it’s, it’s important to point out that introverts won’t shy away from one on one conversations that often. They actually quite enjoy them and are drawn to those so that could actually suit the way that introverts enjoy communicating.

P: Okay, yeah, I’ll definitely give you that. I still think that the idea of having a quota of hours that you’ve got to clock, I think it’s a good recognition, like if you’re easily clocking [click, click, click] three or four hours a week, there’s me clicking again.

[Laughter]

P: It’s the inner dance teacher in me, ‘5,6,7,8.’

[More laughter]

P: Sorry, if you’re clocking that quota time easily, then obviously it is working for you. But if you’re not, if you’re only managing 30 minutes of social time a week, that’s an indication that you might need to look at other ways to try and make yourself a little more social you’re in that danger area of possibly falling in too much alone time.

M: So I love what you said about clocking it. I’ll just snap my fingers. [click, click]

P: [Laugh]

M: Clocking the time that you feel you need, but how much you need? I wouldn’t quantify that because I think everyone differs.

P: OK

M: And I think you could go an entire week loving your life and being left alone by the world and not need to see anyone. And the next week you might need to talk to someone every day.

P: OK, I’ll give you that. I’ll agree with that one.

M: Woohoo. Yeah, that’s a win that’s the first time in season.

[Laughter]

P: Oh, come on. You’ve had a few wins. I’ve let you have a few ones.

M: We do tend to not agree a lot though, don’t we?

P: We agree surprisingly well on a lot of this stuff actually.

M: Yeah, we do.

P: It’s a little bit concerning [laugh].

M: So what I do love as far as tips so obviously face to face is better. So the next best thing while in self-isolation is to do video chatting. And obviously we’re doing too much because you, you know, working from home in an office type of role where you’re having meetings, then you might want to scale that back in your after-hours time. But for everyone else, we should be trying to make eye contact with people and see facial expressions and bond Pete, just like what we’re doing now.

P: [Laugh] I’ve read something recently about, talk to your neighbours, that sense of doing that whole thing and talking to your neighbour, which I think in a city like Sydney, we’ve kind of, especially in the city, we’ve lost that. We don’t talk to our neighbours much anymore.

M: No, because they could be crazy! That’s what happens when you move to the big city Pete. Only the crazies actually talk to you, which is why everyone else doesn’t talk.

P: Oh, no, I’m not going to give you that one. I’m not going to give you that one. It takes for one person to actually say something, and it could be that you’re putting your head over your neighbour’s back fence to tell them to turn the bloody workout music down. That’s fine.

M: I’m trying to find my neighbour, I’m in apartment block and I was trying to find my neighbour the other day who was playing music, that I wanted them to turn up and I was like ‘this is awesome, where are you?’

[Laughter]

P: And that’s what I’m saying, I love some things that I’ve seen. There was a wonderful Facebook video of Joyce Mayne, who’s a very butch drag queen here in Sydney. And she was on the rooftop of her apartment building in Potts Point and she had a stereo system blasting, and she had someone filming and she got into full drag. And she did a full Robin take off of dancing on my own on her rooftop, and everybody stuck their heads out the windows and watched and clapped and that’s, and that’s face on face.

[Laugh]

P: It’s face to face time.

M: It went from drag show to…

[Laughter]

P: But that’s what I mean, those sorts of interactions are every bit as vital, and it is about that thing of recognising the person that you actually do see so it can be your neighbour going ‘Yeah, I saw the cat the other day, how’s she doing?

M: So I have heard of some really good things that people can do while they’re on video chats. So if you’re getting bored with just calling friends, I’ve got some tips and ideas. Virtual coffees, so we’ve been doing those with colleagues at work, so you’re going to grab a coffee anyway. You’ll just cheque in, have a bit of a chat. No work conversations allowed.

P: It’s the old fashion, smoko.

M: Yeah it is or water cooler conversations because they’ve stopped, right? Yes. So the gossip mill has just died in all these corporate [environments].

P: [Laugh] Oh, dear. Beryl’s not going to be happy about that.

M: No. And then the one I love is quarantinis.

P: Oh, that sounds fun.

M: We should schedule one of those for later in the week Pete.

P: Oh dear, that could be dangerous.

M: And then the last one is fitness classes or fitness with friends. Or just seeing what your local gyms doing a lot of gyms and personal trainers and now during classes online. And there is still some social interaction with that. If you do it with someone else, you know, you’re more likely to do it. It keeps you more motivated and the benefits of the exercise are improved or increased.

P: Definitely, yeah. Science says so and it’s all about the science Marie.

M: Science says!

[Laughter]

M: And before we go, the one thing that we didn’t say being social is critical for your happiness. We didn’t come..

P: Oh.

M: Why are we here Pete? What’s the name of our podcast?

P: [Laugh] Well, it’s sort of inherent, really. I mean, we could talk for hours about that. We probably have over several different episodes to be honest.

M: Yep and I think we might call it an episode. Thank you for joining us and visit us.

P: Done! Done and dusted.

M: Please join us @marieskelton.com to find all of our podcast episodes and accompanying research. Until next time.

P: Stay happy people.

[Happy exit music]

5 Life Lessons They Should Teach At School

15/04/2020 by Marie

There are some life lessons they should teach at school… then again, we probably wouldn’t listen.

Unfortunately for young people, some life lessons first require life experience, and even then, some deeply ingrained mindsets will only shift after a major shock to the system, like trauma or grief.

For me, true happiness only came after a major motorbike accident, which nearly took my life, and my leg, and left me battling depression. But before that, I had been pretty successful. I had a full life. I was satisfied with my accomplishments. Only now with hindsight would I say I wasn’t really happy.

My parents, my teachers, even my society had taught me to strive for success and accomplishment. And I was working hard at that. You see, according to them, striving only for happiness was a sure-fire way to end up homeless and on the streets with no prospects. Financial stability was the most important thing, and then you could worry about things like happiness afterward, if that’s what you really wanted.

The thing that our parents, teachers and society failed to understand is that we only have one life and wasting it on trying to be successful first and happy later does not work. In her book, Top Five Regrets of The Dying, palliative nurse, Bronnie Ware, says among the top five regrets of the dying is “I wish that I had let myself be happier.” And you know what else is in the top five? “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”

What are we taught at school?

For a large portion of Westerners, we are not at war and our countries mostly enjoy social stability. We have some choice over of the job we do. That job brings us enough income to house, feed and clothe our families. We enjoy the company of our families, sometimes getting married, sometimes having children.

Even with the uncertainty that Coronavirus has brought, we truly are living in the best times in our human existence. We live in an age of abundance and technological advancement, where we can honestly hope to make it to the peak of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – self-actualisation.

The problem is we’ve been taught to strive and succeed, and once we have enough, many of us don’t know what to do. We take that success and stability and look to strive for more. More stuff. Bigger houses, nicer cars, fancier holidays.

Or worse, we look around at the stuff we’ve amassed, and wonder, was that all? Is this it? Where did I go wrong?! Cue mid-life crisis…

What we were never taught is that self-actualisation isn’t the last stop on the bus ride of life, and it isn’t the last item to check off on our ‘to do’ list before we get too old to enjoy it. It is the purpose of life itself. It should be deeply ingrained in all our thoughts and behaviours throughout life.

Happiness is a life lesson that should be taught at school!

Yet while we learn our times tables and the difference between adjectives and adverbs, not one teacher taught me the skills to live a happy life. To be fair, I don’t think they knew either.

The good news is that happiness and financial stability are not a dichotomy, we don’t have to choose one or the other. The science shows you can be both happy and have financial stability, achievement and success. In fact, that’s the secret, learning to balance both.

So here are the life lessons they should teach at school.

5 Life Lessons They Should Teach At School

1. Happiness is a choice.

You can wake up every day and do some really simple things to improve your happiness. The science is very clear. The key is to decide you want to have happiness in your life and then prioritise it. Don’t know where to start? Try this science-backed 30-day happiness challenge.

2. Exercise isn’t a punishment, it’s part of your self-care routine.

The benefits of exercise to our physical and mental health cannot be overstated. Yet making time to go to the gym or play a sport is often seen as an indulgence or worse, a hassle. It’s the first thing that gets cut when budgets are tight or ditched when we have to stay late at work. It’s got to stop! Find an activity that you enjoy or just commit to walking more in your day-to-day life. Get off one stop too early, park at the back of the parking lot, take the stairs. It’s that simple.

3. Making good friends is hard, keeping them requires work.

The one thing people remember when they’re on their death beds is the people. The relationships. The love. The moments of shared love and laughs are the most important. Also, the studies are clear that having friends and people you can count on is important for your health, longevity and wellbeing. We need other people in our lives. But no one tells you that making new friends gets harder as we get older.

Jeffrey Hall, an associate professor at Kansas University, found that it takes, “roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to go from that stage to simple “friend” status and more than 200 hours before you can consider someone your close friend.” But when we’re not in a school environment, finding that time together becomes harder, so it takes longer and a lot more work. So, look after your old friendships, or develop new friends—but be prepared for it to take dedicated time and effort. Either way, having good friends will serve you in the long run.

4. Self-care isn’t indulgence, it’s critical to a long life.

The science is clear, looking after yourself both physically and mentally leads to a longer life. Eating well, getting eight hours of sleep, exercising, drinking water, reducing or managing stress and resting – all of these activities prolong our lives and improve the quality of our lives. Sometimes it’s the mental health care that can be the hardest to justify, but in today’s hectic world, it’s even more important than ever to know yourself and know when you need to breathe, or rest or remove yourself from a chronically stressful situation. So, make sure you have time for yourself and remember: you can’t care for others if you don’t care for yourself.

5. You can’t always do what you love for work, but you can always have something to do that you love.

The sad reality is that not all actors, artists, athletes or writers can get paid enough for their work to make a comfortable living. So, leverage your strengths to find work that interests you, or uses your strengths, even if you’re not passionate about it. But, make sure you dedicate time in your week for something that does inspire, motivate, light a fire or bring passion to your life. Even if you can only spare an hour per week, or a couple of hours per month, prioritise that time (put it in your diary and tell the family that’s your time) and protect it.

Similarly, if you haven’t yet found something that brings you passion, go looking for it. Sign up for new classes, try things that take you out of your comfort zone. Travel. Learn. Some things you won’t like, other things might stick, just be mindful and enjoy the journey along the way.

The key to happiness is to find a way to balance these activities around the things you have to do to meet your minimal needs. As Bronnie pointed out in her book Top Five Regrets of The Dying, and as many people who have gone before us realised all too late: while you’re working for safety, security, stability and a certain level of comfort, don’t forget to also be incorporating happiness into your life.

Happiness Blog

Happiness for Cynics podcast

Episode notes

Transcript

What is the top Happiness Advice From the Experts?

7 Pieces of Happiness Advice

1. Flow, the Secret to Happiness

2. The Habits of Happiness

3. The Surprising Science of Happiness

4. Plug Into Your Hard-wired Happiness

5. Want to be Happy? Be Grateful

6. The Happy Secret to Better Work

7. What Makes a Good Life? Lessons From the Longest Study on Happiness

Happiness For Cynics podcast

Transcript

How to make friends as an adult: everything you need to know.

Why Having Good Friends Is Important

Making friends as an adult isn’t always easy. Here are some tips on how to make friends as an adult and add some extra happiness to your life.

Starting out on making friends

Deepening the bonds of friendship

Keeping the friendship alive

BONUS: Fun Conversation Starters For Dinner Parties

Happiness for Cynics podcast

About Nicki Bowman

Transcript

How To Find Your Passion And Purpose

What Is Ikigai?

Lessons From Ikigai

Taking Action: Finding Your Passion And Purpose

Final Lessons From The Blue Zones

Want To Know More? Try Reading These Great Books.

Happiness for Cynics podcast

Transcript

Start your Journey to a Happier Life Today!

Top 5 Free Positive Psychology Courses online

The Science of Well-Being (Coursera, 4.9 stars)

The Science of Happiness (EdX)

Develop Creative & Happy Mindset – Rise in Love with Life (Udemy, 4.8 stars)

A Life of Happiness and Fulfillment (Coursera, 4.8 stars)

The Foundations of Happiness at Work (EdX)

Returning to a State of Happiness (Udemy, 4.8 stars)

Best CHEAP Positive Psychology Courses Online

Foundations of Positive Psychology Specialization (Coursera, 4.7 stars)

Be Happier with Positive Psychology (Udemy)

Certified Positive Psychology Practitioner [Accredited] (Udemy)

Certified Habits Life Coach Positive Psychology [Accredited] (Udemy)

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Want more Happiness and Resiliency in Your Life?

Happiness for Cynics podcast – episode 14

Transcript

What are we taught at school?

5 Life Lessons They Should Teach At School

1. Happiness is a choice.

2. Exercise isn’t a punishment, it’s part of your self-care routine.

3. Making good friends is hard, keeping them requires work.

4. Self-care isn’t indulgence, it’s critical to a long life.

5. You can’t always do what you love for work, but you can always have something to do that you love.

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About Marie

Podcast: Happiness for Cynics

Book: Self-care is church for non-believers