Unapologetically Marie

Writer, podcaster, mental health advocate

Happiness Blog

The Good and the Bad of Stress (E33)

by

Happiness for Cynics

In this week’s episode, Marie and Pete discuss some studies on stress, uncovering that stress can be both good and bad, but it’s all in how you perceive it.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on resilience and change.

P: And I am Peter Furness, a bringer of bingo, lover of lingo and a passer of Pinot Grigio.

M: Ew.

P: [Laugh] Yeah, ew… Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if alcohol is no longer numbing your pain.

P: Or you want to laugh, love and live like a voracious beast.

M: Or you just want to know what all the fuss is about.

P: [Singing] Then this is the place to be.

M: Because this week we’re talking about…

P: Stress!

[Dun, Dun, Duunnnn!]

[Happy Intro Music]

M: Alright, we’re talking about stress, and in particular… and the reason we talk about stress is because it is the complete opposite of happiness, really.

P: Oh, is it?

M: Well, not the opposite. You’ve got all these negative things, and stress is one of them. And they really do impact your ability to be happy.

P: Yes, I’ll agree.

M: So that’s why we’re talking about happiness, ah we’re not talking about happiness-

P: Stress?

M: – we’re talking about stress. Yes, and there are two talks that have shaped my thinking for this episode. So, one of them is by Kell… One of them is by Kelly Mc. [Stumbling over words.]

P: [Laughter and clapping]

M: Damn it. This is just not happening. One of them is by Kelly McGonigal, and she’s a health psychologist, and her 2013 Ted Global Talk is called How to Make Stress Your Friend. And I highly recommend that one and the other one. And again, I just feel bad that I know I’m butchering these people’s name.

P: [Laugh.]

M: I don’t know any way around this.

P: Well unless you’re going to research linguistics. Then you’re just gonna, you know have a bash?

M: Yep. So, Madhumita Murgia is a journalist, editor and speaker with expertise in the fields of science, health and technology, and her 2015 Ted talk [How Stress Affects Your Brain] was all about how stress affects the brain. So..

P: Science, science, science.

M: Yes. Do you expect anything less from me Pete?

P: No definitely not.

M: So they’ve both got different ways of looking at stress in the brain and there’s two things I wanted to talk about. Madhumita talks about how stress isn’t always a bad thing. It could be handy for a burst of energy and focus like when you’re playing sport, there’s people cheering for you and it’s the final or when you’ve got a deadline looming at work and you’ve got to get this done right?

P: Yep.

M: And stress can be a real motivator. I don’t know if you’ve felt that.

P: It’s a lever. It’s a definite lever.

M: Yep.

P: It pushes you forward.

M: Absolutely. So stress can be a really good thing, right?

P: Mm Hmm.

M: Or have you ever had to speak in public? And you’re not quite comfortable speaking in public.

P: Yes.

M: Your capillaries open up, your heart beats faster and you just feel alive, right. So stress can be an amazingly good thing, right?

P: Yes.

M: But what Madhumita talks about is how, when it’s continuous, it actually begins to change your brain.

P: Ok, so our brain synapses and neurons change?

M: Yes. So if you are in a war zone, for instance, which is kind of the epitome of bad stress.

P: Well that’s the big end of it.

M: Right? Like, there is day to day first world, what you and I experience. And then there’s war. If you’re living in a war zone and you’re constantly worried about how to feed your family-  

P: How to survive.

M: – whether or not you’re going to live, whether or not you’ll be bombed with all of the horrible things that you and I can only guess at.

P: Yes.

M: That is a level of constant and deep stress, and that fundamentally changes the way your brain works. And there’s actually some really good research from a lot of the Holocaust survivors and people who lived through World War II.

P: I’m thinking World War II London straightaway, as soon as you said that.

M: About stress and how people react and how it changes the genetics and kids that were born from people who went through that level of stress. There is so much psychological, physiological and physical impact.

P: And change of behaviour, fundamental patterns that come about because you’ve lived through that experience.

M: Absolutely. There’s a great one that I’m thinking of from a physical point of view where people were starving, they were there, honestly, starving. They couldn’t get access to food. They were eating cardboard to just put something in their stomach and their children, children who are born around that time they were born with changes in their genes and make up that meant that they held onto any nutrient and any carbon and fat. And so they’ve all got obesity problems, so their parents were starving, and these people cannot lose weight. They cannot, because their bodies have been taught to hold on to everything.

P: Absolutely everything.

M: Yeah, and again the mind does the same sort of thing. So stress can be such a positive thing in short bursts, but when you experience it over a long period of time it can have the opposite effect.

P: Does it matter about the level of stress in terms of the perception of intensity? So you’re talking about the war zones and so forth, but are we talking about the day to day stuff.

M: Well, look I picked wars as an example, but the research and Madhumita is talking about what you and I experience as day to day stress.

P: So, first worlders?

M: Yeah, like commutes and crappy bosses, making rent and all of those day to day [stresses], making sure that you answer all the e-mails in your inbox in a time that is deemed socially acceptable. And all of that stuff is day to day pressure, and a lot of people have talked about burnout. And The World Health Organisation has definitely labeled that as a concern in the 21st century. But that level of stress is also having a negative impact on people’s brain.

P: Mm. OK. How much do we control that? How much can we take control of that interpretation of stress? Because I know where you’re heading with this. [Laugh]

M: I love that question, Pete. Why thank you.

P: [Laugh]

M: It’s like we discussed this episode beforehand.

[Laughter]

M: So, Kelly McGonigal, the person who was talking about beginning the episode she has done a whole bunch of research into how we need to start seeing stress as a good thing.

P: Exactly.

M: So she talks about a study which tracked 30,000 adults, that is a huge study. So when you normally talk about studies, there’s 100, 200, 500 maybe 1000 people that you’re looking at.

P: Yep, most study groups.

M: 30,000 adults in the United States, and they followed them for 8 years.

P: Wow.

M: Huge, huge study. And they started by asking people how much stress have you experienced in the last year? They also asked, do you believe that stress is harmful for your health? And then they use public death records to find out who died.

P: Oh, Wow.

M: Right? Let’s cut to the chase. If stress is going to impact your heart health your everything, your brain it’s going to change you at a fundamental level and lead to poor outcomes, we’re talking death here, right?

P: Yep.

M: Okay. And what they found was people who experience a lot of stress in the previous year had a 43% increased risk of dying. But, here’s the but.

P: [Laugh]

M: That was only true for the people who also believed that stress is harmful for your health.

P: So stress can be beneficial?

M: Only if you believe it is.

P: It’s about our perception.

M: Absolutely. This is the key!

P: [Laugh]

M: Now, obviously, we’re talking about a sample of 30,000 US people in a normal period.

P: Yes.

M: Now, I still, there’s no science to back this up, but I still believe that war is a whole other, you know kettle of fish.

P: It is. But..

M: There’s so much for us to learn. We’re not in war time in Australia here, and America isn’t either. There’s no more happening in America, so in a lot of first world countries where this research would apply, well you could say that it should apply, the way that you perceive stress will have an impact on whether or not it is negative.

P: Absolutely.

M: Or positive.

P: Absolutely, couldn’t agree more.

M: Yep.

P: And it’s really funny that I came across this through the teachings of the Dalai Lama.

M: Oh, we’re back on this again.

[Laughter]

M: Tell me more.

P: This is a Buddhist doctrine. It’s this capacity for human intelligence and to develop determination and use it in a positive way. It’s how we perceive our reactions to events. It’s not necessarily the event itself that is negative. It’s our perception of it, and if we can change the way that we react, we are reactionary beings and if we react in a certain way, that predicates stress and that predicates a whole series of biological and physiological changes.

M: Yes.

P: But if we change that perception, if we flip that switch and find some sort of way to create a positivity around it, see it as an opportunity to change, interpret it as a lever for intelligence, for education, then perhaps we can flip the switch on stress. Oh my God! That’s a, that’s a sound bite!

M: We can flip the switch on stress. OK, we’ll be quoting you on that.

P: Done.

M: Yes, I couldn’t agree more. There’s one thing even before I tripped over all this positive psychology stuff and when I truly was the cynic that we portray in all of our advertising, which I always believed the worry-ings of no one. If something was going to happen, it was going to happen.

P: Yes.

M: Stressing about it and worrying about it didn’t serve anyone.

P: I couldn’t agree more. Worry doesn’t serve anybody.

M: Don’t worry about breaking the egg. You deal with the broken egg, if it happens, right?

P: Yep. Or you take steps to prevent the egg from breaking.

M: Absolutely. But really, you just keep cooking.

P: [Laugh]

M: If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen right?

P: Yep.

M: And that has always been something that I’ve believed in. I maybe had too much of a lazy air.. and see what happens.

P: Approach?

M: Yeah, and nearly dying kind of makes you reassess how carefree you have been.

P: Yeah, true. But in some ways that that blissful, I’m going to say ignorance, but you’re going to say arrogance in that respect, it gives you a certain ability to deal with things in different way. If you’re not in a highly stressed, reactionary state, something bad happens and you’re like ‘Okay, all right, let’s go with this. Let’s see where this leads.’ You can actually deal.

M: ‘I can cope with it.’

P: Yeah. ‘I can cope with it.’

M: ‘I can cope.’ So, I think again, like we’ve spoken about in the past, it’s about feeling the pain and feeling the negative emotions that comes with bad things happen. But then, knowing that it’s a temporary state.

P: And understanding there’s a path out of it, if you can find it. And there are certain things that happen where the path is not obvious and we’re talking grief. We’re talking the loss of a loved one. You know you’re going to stay in that for a little while. We’ve talked about that before in other episodes.

M: But there is an out, and that’s not if you can find it, it’s when, when it happens.

and you might need help.

P: Definitely, and that’s the case of human nature we are reactionary beings and we react in a certain way. If we can control that reaction or look at the different possibilities of that reaction. Then perhaps we can lessen the effects of stress.

M: Absolutely yep, absolutely. So to circle back to that study. So they found that people who experienced a lot of stress but did not view stress as harmful were no more likely to die. I really want to circle back to that the physical effects of how you perceive the world.

P: Oh the world.

M: How you perceive being victimised, being not able to cope, being passive. It’s like seeing yourself as a leaf in the wind versus in control and..

P: Being able to ride the wind?

M: Right. That perception fundamentally changes you physically to the point that you do or don’t die.

P: I could see why it would change the way that your brain works, how your synapses work the access of pathways of thought processes and so forth.

M: For a cynic, this is such a big leap.

P: Yeah, right.

M: Such a big leap.

P: What is it that stops you from being able to make that jump?

M: How I perceive the world is going to make me die, younger or not. [Psht.]

P: You just don’t believe it? Fundamentally don’t believe it?

M: Well, yeah.

P: Wow.

M: It’s all.. yes.

P: [Laugh] and then it isn’t.

M: It isn’t the science shows [it]. 30,000 people over eight years, that’s huge.

P: That’s a decent study.

M: That is a good study, that is, yeah, that passes.

P: It’s not anecdotal.

M: Yep, and it’s not so qualitative that three people were interviewed in depth, over 8 years.

P: And there were these differentiating factors.

M: Yeah, absolutely. So, the lowest risk of dying of anyone in this study, including people who had little stress, was people who believe stress is positive. So this is actually the next big thing. So stress is bad, is what we’re saying. If you think it’s bad.

P: Yep. If you can[‘t] flip that switch.

M: If you think stress is good, it has no impact on you whatsoever, even if it’s prolonged, repeated year after year, ongoing stress.

P: And I’m thinking of a personal story here of my lovely adopted Nan McSweeney, who was 103 when she died. Dear old Nan McSweeney, she –

M: – Tell me her secret!

P: [Laugh]

M: 103! My grandma’s 95 and I’m cheering for her.

P: Yeah?

M: Yep.

P: So Nan McSweeney. She was a very devout Catholic woman. Incredibly devout, she was actually the last known survivor to have personally met Mother Mary MacKillop in Australia. So she had this amazing faith and she clung to it, and she let that drive her life in many ways so that when stress did come up think bad things happened. This wasn’t a wealthy woman. [She] wasn’t a woman who had an easy life. She was a cattle farmer in Glenn Innes for most of her life. She would give it up to God. She would give it up to a higher power and have her trust that I’m meant to endure, whatever the challenge is but I know I can come out the other side of it and it was one of things that she gave to me. Now I, I was an anti-religious person when I was young, 21 year old in college and having every Sunday dinner with Nan McSweeney.

M: You still are. Both of us. Both of us are. That’s the premise behind our book, Self-Care is Church for Non-Believers.

P: [Laugh]

M: You can buy it from October.

P: [Laugh] Available on iTunes!

M: No, not iTunes. Amazon. Available on Amazon.

P: [Laugh] Getting back to the point. She had this wonderful resilience of like, ‘oh well, on we go’ and that reminds me of the attitude of the blitz in London and why the English are so stoic and they still to this day, they believe that a cup of tea will solve every problem.

M: It does.

P: It does because there’s a certain –

M: If you believe then it does.

P: There’s a control. There’s an element of control there. ‘I’ll make a cup of tea, we’ll sit down and we’ll talk about it’ and everyone buys into that. Imagine you’ve had this massive argument with your husband and you’re ready to kill each other. The French don’t do it, they actually go through it with knives and pistols and things and then have sex afterwards but that’s all fine.

M: Oh, South Americans, that’s a whole different.

P: Oh, yeah, whole other thing. But the British they go ‘I’m going to make a pot of tea’, and it’s this weird, wonderful sort of ‘I can control the tea’ and we’re going to sit down and we’ll have tea and through the tea we’ll find a solution because we’ll take that moment and there’s a belief in the process that I have control over one little element.

M: It’s all in how you perceive. And in a way, I think it’s kind of a shame that we’ve had such a good run.

P: Yeah, we’re victims of, victims of our own opulence.

M: Since WWII.

P: Yes.

M: Because we don’t have resilience. We don’t and we’re then tripping over normal, everyday life.

P: Influences.

M: People have injuries and disappointments and things that happened in their life that aren’t how they planned or wanted and we’re so not equipped for it.

P: Thrown by it.

M: So not equipped to deal with that, because where we’ve given this false sense of control over life nowadays.

P: Yes and then we go see them with their hands going ‘Oh, I can’t control anything!’

M: Yeah, absolutely. And there’s a few really good books, Homo Deus [by Yuval Noah Harari], and what is it? Guns… [Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies by Jared Diamond]. Anyway, [books] that show that there’s this false sense that we can control the randomness of life nowadays that we all have.

P: Yeah.

M: And so it really takes by surprise when it’s not actually something we can control.

P: But that’s the whole point and that’s what I go back to the ancient teachings are like it’s not about control.

M: Yes.

P: It’s about you have to give yourself over to these elements and go with them. But learn to find some control in the elements that you can. So you know a Buddhist monk would go to their meditation or a Catholic would go to their prayer. An English mum would go to her pot of tea. I cook.

M: And in the 21st century you would argue meditation and mindfulness have a place to combat stress when against too much?

P: Absolutely, Yeah, definitely.

M: Yeah, and I haven’t really bought into the meditation stuff.

P: We keep pushing this point.

M: Yeah, yeah. So maybe one day I’ll tip over the edge.

P: I’m going to sit you down and chain you up.

M: For me, it’s exercise.

P: Oh, yep.

M: I just need a good exercise, like a 30 minute run or a gym session and it re-centres me and I sleep well that night as a result. Like if I’m mentally stressed the physical exhortation balances me out.

P: That also comes down to a physiological [response], because it’s getting rid of your cortisol levels. It’s using up your adrenaline that’s in your body. It’s helping to dissipate those switched on elements and take you to a place of more calm. ‘OK, now I can switch off let go’, which is the essence of meditation.

M: Yep, what-evs. Right, we’re out of time.

P: [Laugh] Here we go with that one. We’ve got English tea parties.

[Laughter]

M: Okay, so stress is good but bad is the –

P: – it’s all about your perception. How you perceive stress is the key.

M: Look, I think that a lot of this again I’m going to summarise a lot of what we’ve talked about, we’re up to Episode 30 something or other and again what I keep learning from this fabulous science of positive psychology is that I have so much control.

P: Yes, we do have control.

M: We do have control.

P: We have the tools we need to wake up and use them.

M: Yep and sometimes you might want to burrow down and just let the emotion rule.

P: Yep, I agree.

M: But then again, you don’t have to always be in that place, right?

P: No.

M: You’ve got control over whether you choose –

P: Take action people.

M: – Choose happiness. I hate to say it cause it’s a T shirt slogan. But there’s so much behind that.

P: I agree.

M: Yeah.

P: That’s why we say it.

M: Yep. All right, So..

P: if you like this podcast, then please subscribe and like us on your favourite platform and remember that we have all our information on www.marieskelton.com. Org?

M: .com Pete obviously doesn’t go there ever…

P: It’s written in the website browser thingy that I click and goes ‘Yes, straight to’.

[Laughter]

P: Where we publish all our research and articles and links from our podcast episodes.

M: Thank you for joining us.

P: Choose Happiness.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Moving On article How to Build Your Resilience With Mindfulness and Meditation, listen to our Podcast: The Power of Meditation (E9)

Three Quick Ways to Improve Your Mood

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Feeling Down? Need a Quick Pick-Me-Up to Improve Your Mood? We’ve got you Covered.

Understandably, many people nowadays are feeling anxious and stressed, but if you’re sick of feeling down, there is something you can do about it. A recent study found that 89 per cent of people think that their happiness can be controlled— which means most people’s beliefs align with the latest research in positive psychology.

To back this up, researchers went one step further and assessed respondents’ subjective wellbeing level. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the people who believe they have control over their happiness were 32 per cent happier than those who didn’t think that happiness can be controlled. The average happiness rating given by participants who think happiness was controllable was 7.39, as opposed to 5.61.

As happiness and its benefits are something we could all use right now, here are some quick ways to circuit break a bad day.

3 Ways to Improve Your Mood

Here are 3 ways to improve your mood in less than 10-minutes.

1. Have Some fun

It’s time to channel your inner child, cut loose, and be silly.

As we get older, we get caught up in being productive and successful.  We become more self-conscious, and playing feels silly, unproductive and time-wasting. Play is delegated to something that’s only for kids.

However, play has many benefits, including improved stress management and wellbeing, and helping to improve your mood. One study found that people who engaged in leisure activities were 34 per cent less stressed and 18 per cent less sad than those who did not. Even more interestingly, the activity didn’t matter, as long as it was something the subject found pleasure in doing.

Here’s how

There are many ways you can bring play and silliness into your life. Here’s one that might work for you. Explain the science to your friends or family and ask them to join you in a silly dance-off. Put on some fun music (throw caution to the wind and make it loud too) and take turns doing dance moves. The people in the group have to guess which decade the dance move is from. Whoever guesses right goes next.

Here’s some inspiration (you could put these on pieces of paper and draw from a hat):

  • 50s – Hand Jive, Cha Cha
  • 60s – The Twist, The Swim, The Mash Potato
  • 70s – YMCA, Funky Chicken, The Nutbush, Lawnmower, Sprinkler
  • 80s – Moonwalk, Electric Slide, The Worm, Breakdancing, The Robot
  • 90s – Running Man, Hammer Time, Macarena, Vogue
  • 2000s – Single Ladies (Beyonce), Krump, The Dougie, Cha Cha Slide
  • 2010s – Gangnam style, Harlem Shake, The Floss, The Stanky Leg

If you want to up to up the difficulty level, make people guess the name of the dance, not the decade.

2. Put a Pen in Your Mouth

Research from the University of South Australia shows that the act of smiling can trick your mind into being more positive. In the study, a smile was induced by participants holding a pen between their teeth, forcing their facial muscles to replicate the movement of a smile. The researchers discovered that the facial muscular activity led to positive emotions.

“When your muscles say you’re happy, you’re more likely to see the world around you in a positive way,” said Lead researcher and Human and Artificial Cognition expert, Dr. Fernando Marmolejo-Ramos.

“In our research we found that when you forcefully practice smiling, it stimulates the amygdala—the emotional center of the brain—which releases neurotransmitters to encourage an emotionally positive state. For mental health, this has interesting implications. If we can trick the brain into perceiving stimuli as ‘happy’, then we can potentially use this mechanism to help boost mental health,” said Marmolejo-Ramos.

Here’s How

Like a dog with a bone, put a pen or pencil between your teeth and then pull back your lips to show your top and bottom teeth. Hold this for 30 seconds. That’s it!

If you’re feeling like being social, do this with friends. It becomes even funnier, often making you truly smile, and of course, helping to improve your mood.

3. The 5-Minute Exercise Intervention

We all know that exercise is good for us physically, but it’s also really good for our brains, releasing feel-good chemicals and helping us to get rid of the stress chemicals. A recent study also showed that exercise helps fuel positive emotions, even during these uncertain times.

“The tie between time spent on these sorts of activities and positive states was particularly strong for people who felt more of the negatives states,” she continued. “So, the more stressed, anxious, lonely or depressed you are, the more it matters that you take the time to exercise and care for yourself,” said Barbara L. Frederickson, the Kenan Distinguished Professor in the UNC-Chapel Hill Department of Psychology and Neuroscience and Director of the PEP lab.

Here’s how

The point here is to get your heart beating faster, even if it’s just for a few minutes. So rather than trying to boil the ocean, start small – you’re also more likely to do an activity if it’s relatively quick and easy.

STEP 1: Set a timer for 5 minutes.

STEP 2: See how many times you can get through the below series of exercises.

  • 10 jumping jacks
  • 10 lunges (5 each leg)
  • 20 calf-raises
  • 10 squats
  • 10 push-ups (you can do these on your knees, or against the wall)
  • 5 knee-high jumps
  • 30 seconds of rest

STEP 3: Congratulate yourself on getting in some exercise and boosting your mood!

If you’re feeling up for a bit more exercise (only 20 minutes), you can try The ‘No Excuses’ Beginners Exercise Plan.

Related reading: The Secret to Surviving Isolation

Don’t forget to subscribe for our monthly newsletter for more tips, freebies and subscriber-only content!

Bringing Altruism Into Your Life (E32)

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Happiness for Cynics

This week, Marie and Pete discuss altruism – being kind and giving to others. They also join the global kindness movement by trying to complete the tasks on the Altruistic August 2020 calendar by Action For Happiness.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on resilience and change.

P: And I am Peter Furness, a curator of kindness, a calibrator of creativity and conversational cacophonist. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if alcohol is no longer numbing your pain.

P: Or you want to laugh, love and live like a voracious beast.

M: Or you just want to know what all the fuss is about.

P: Then this is the place to be.

M: Because this week we are talking about altruism.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: So, Pete, this week we’re talking about altruism.

P: I had to look that up in the dictionary. [Laugh]

M: Oh really? Oh, yeah I feel good because you are always spitting out like names of body parts that I just…

P: [Laugh] No, well I did know what altruism meant. But I do remember coming across the term about six months ago and going ‘Oh, I wonder what that is? And then I realised I’ve been doing it all my life.

[Laughter]

M: So the reason that this came up was that there is, and there’s a great website actually called Action for Happiness. And if you look it up, it’s www.actionforhappiness.org and they’ve got great resources all in positive psychology, and what we’ve talked about. There’s acts of kindness as well and a bunch of sites out there that do some great work in the positive psychology space.

P: Yep

M: And I came across this action calendar for August, called Altruistic August 2020.

P: Has a nice ring to it.

M: It sure does. And so, of course, I thought, great, this is a good challenge. We’re going into second base of lock downs in Australia. 2020 can go…

P: [Boing] (possible rude gesture)

M: Mmhhm.

P: Delete, delete, delete.

M: I need something to focus on and need something to direct my energy away from just how crappy it is to be going back into another lock down, particularly for our friends in Melbourne and western Sydney. And just like that, that cleaver is about to drop. You can feel it’s just hanging.

P: And people are rushing to try and make sure they make the most of everything right now because it’s almost as if the apocalypse is upon us.

M: Which is the worst thing you can do, like four pubs in one weekend?

P: Yeah.

M: Anyway that’s a whole other thing.

P: [Laugh]

M: So I think that this was kind of a way for me to just grab hold of my emotions and my energy a little bit, that doesn’t mean to say-

P: You’re focusing on your energy? Marie how positively alternative of you.

M: I’m not talking airy fairy energy.

P: [Laugh]

M: I don’t want to spend time worrying. I want to spend time proactively doing things that will come back to me in a good way.

P: Investing?

M: Yeah investing. Investing time, not energy.

P: ‘I just need to get my rose quartz crystal.’

M: Time not energy in the like ‘I can see your aura.’

P: Hey, aura reading is real.

M: Mmhmm… So I sent you this calendar and went let’s do this.

P: Yep [Laugh]

M: So that was a week ago, so Pete.

P: Which oddly enough I had the instant reaction ‘oh crap!’ [Laugh]

M: So Pete, tell me how have you done for last week?

P: Yeah. Wonderful. Wonderful. Yeah, really good.  [Laugh] I’m involved in altruistic behaviour all day. The first thing I say to everybody when they walk in the door is ‘how are you? What can we do for you today?

M: Not cutting it.

P: Oh shit.

M: This is about going above and beyond right?

P: You mean I’ve got to do more?

M: Here’s the thing, it kind of feels like more because we live in such a demanding world. Until Covid, things kind of calmed a little bit in Covid and I think we started to look at whether the demanding world we live in was really all that.

P: It definitely caused us to reassess.

M: Yeah.

P: If it was worth the, if it was worth all that hassle.

M: Yeah. So there’s definitely a recalibration happening.

P: Yep, I agree.

M: I think, around the world. But for us in Sydney, I think that this was a, I think, that we could do and could add in if we committed to it.

P: It’s a proactive action steps, so it’s something that you can follow along, you can make it like a challenge to see what comes of it. To see what comes out of being altruistic and committing to doing 30 days of altruism. It’s actually, it is a bit of a challenge is a lot harder than you think.

M: Mmhhmm.

P: To be cognitive? No, that’s the wrong word.

M: Consciously?

P: Consciously investing in altruism is very interesting, and I do have an example.

M: So I have done the last seven days.

P: Mmm, okay.

M: And it has surprised me how little of an imposition it’s been on my life. And it’s felt good.

P: Fundamentally.

M: It felt good.

P: It costs you nothing to be a little…

M: It cost me nothing and really hasn’t really taken much time, either. Let’s let’s go through some of the week one.

P: Yes.

M:

[Day 1:] Choose to be kind to others and yourself all the month.

So day one is just about committing. Day one they’re really not even saying do anything except say ‘Ok, fine. I’m going to do it.’

P: Decide that you’re going to commit.

Alright Tick.

M: Tick.

I came in on day two and went ‘oh I’ve already done it!’

P: [Laugh]

M: Number 2

[Day 2:] Send a positive message to someone you can’t be with.

P: I did that, I did that one.

M: You see that’s really easy actually, with social media, it was just a really good slide into altruism here.

P: It was a forward to someone in Turkey who’s stranded in Turkey and can’t come back.

M: Aww. We miss you.

P: We miss you, come back.

M: I’m sure he’s not listening.

P: [Laugh]

M: Beautiful photographer. [Laugh] Anyway, yes, OK, lovely. Number three, Monday, the third of August.

[Day 3:] Treat everyone you interact with as though they are a friend.

P: Mmm.. that’s a challenging one.

M: This was really easy –

P: Oh really?

M: Because I didn’t leave the house.

P: [Derisive noise] so who are you going to talk to, you’re cat?

M: Tick

P: [Laugh] It’s a good one to try, though, because when you’re going, I see it all the time. And this is, this is a little bit of a personal soapbox moment. Service people, when we interact with service people. We get into the habit of not engaging with people who are the checkout chick or I want to say barista but that’s just so…

M: Unless you’ve been there, I think.

P: The only reason, is that I have a 12 year relationship so it’s very close. They’ve seen me naked? Everybody has seen me naked, don’t think you’re anything special. But it is this thing of the chick behind the counter at woolies and you forget that, that person is there, especially now, with all the scanning and walking through K-Mart when I picked up some cards this week. It was like I had to look at the person who was indicating the next teller for me to go to. And I had to go ‘thank you.’ And that’s all it is. [Click]

M: It’s so funny. Nice click. It’s so funny though, when you’re on the flip side and a person does that to you and it takes you by surprise because you get you end up being like ‘Hi, How are you’, like in that in that sing song, it’s fake, but it’s not fake. Like you’re in, you’re in retail mode, right? You know that your job is to be happy and pleasant to people and respectful.

P: A service role.

M: Yeah, it is. And that is what it is. And sometimes your feeling it and sometimes you’re faking it, and that’s fine. But then someone looks you in the eye and says, How are you doing?

P: Yeah

M: And they take the time and you’re like, and what would you like? Oh, oh, yeah I’m  Okay, Thanks. Let me think about this. So really, I think that can really just make someone’s day feel less like a robotic.

P: Definitely.

M: And making them stop and go ‘not everyone thinks that I’m just someone to serve them’.

P: Yep, definitely.

M: And I think unless you’ve worked in retail or

P: Even if you’ve worked in retail. I think it’s a good, gentle reminder we all get in that mode where I don’t want to interact with people, I’m having a hard day, I’m just going to focus and push on through. And I think maybe we forget that that has an impact on people around us.

M: And let’s really be clear here. These are the people who have been deemed essential workers –

P: Yes.

M: – during this time. We’ve really got to look long and hard as a society at these essential workers who are all minimum wage a lot of the time and who put their life on the line in order to keep things running around here.

P: It’s not necessarily just the medical people. It’s the person that brings the groceries from the farmers. You know, those sorts of jobs which have been so looked over.

M: Essential, essential. The delivery drivers.

P: And are now being dubbed as essential.

M: Anyway. Again, we digress.

P: [Laugh]

M: So, I actually, I have ordered a bunch of stuff online to set up our new place. I bought one of those robot vacuums by the way, we’ll talk about that another time.

P: Is the cat sitting on it?

M: Not yet, but I think I want a placer on it, so I could get some good You tube videos. Anyway. So the way that all the orders, so I ordered five things and they’ve all been delivered separately. So I am actually getting to know my posty.

P: Oh, OK.

M: And she’s lovely, yes. So, I will take a tick for that. Even though I didn’t do it that day.

P: Oh, all right.

M: So the next day was:

[Day 4:] Spend time wishing for other people to be free from suffering.

P: That’s a big one.

M: And I did actually take, only five minutes, but I took some time, you know, this week our colleagues in Melbourne went into lock down, and I’ve definitely seen that it’s hit a lot of them hard. It’s hit a lot of them hard and I’ve got colleagues who are single parents who were trying to work, and now they’ve got to teach their kids at the same time. It’s just not doable. You can’t work and teach.

P: Yep.

M: So and what are their options? What are their options? No one has an answer to that.

P: No.

M: So there’s a lot of people that are feeling that lock down, I think. So all my thoughts and well wishes we’re going out to these people.

P: Let’s pause on that one a little bit Muz. What was the result of that, your thoughts? What did that bring about? Did that bring about anything later in the day?

M: So the action that I was giving was to spend time wishing for other people to be free from suffering. And I chose to direct my thoughts to those Melbourne people and I actually took action through the latter half of the week on some of that and reached out to them and just checked in.

P: There we go, I think that’s the leverage. It creates an actionable step because it’s in your conscience. You’re putting something in your, in your focus. The camera focuses on something and you bring about in action because physically put it there in your conscious mind.

M: Yep, and so, yeah, I did reach out to a couple of people in particular who I had a gut feeling were trying their best to hold everything together but feeling the stress and the pressure. Yeah, definitely. All right. So,

Day 5:  Smile and be friendly, even when physical distancing.

P: Oh, I had a great one of that this week. I was walking, I was getting on my bike to go home, and I park out the front of my work, and I have to ride along like one pathway to get onto the bike lane to go home. And I’m a considerate cyclist, you know, I’m not going to bash through a whole group of people. And I was very slowly, I was on my bike and I have my light on and this gentleman was in front of me and he tuned when he saw my light and he said “oh, sorry.” And I said, “No, no, no, you’re fine.” And as I rode past he said “You have yourself a good evening.” And as I passed I said “I will!” [Laugh]

M: I love it. I love it. I really do. I feel like we don’t have enough of those little interactions.

P: I think they’re coming back.

M: I do.

P: I do think that… our reliance on technology and our big city living, especially in the big cities. It’s like head down, charge on through. Don’t register just get home. We’ve lost a little bit of that now because we have had a relative experience that is a crisis for want of a better word on that brings people together. The same thing happened after World War II.

M: People are re-awakening.

P: It is because, it’s that whole relevance of, it’s not that important if I get home in five minutes as opposed to ten minutes if it’s going to cost someone else some time or some happiness.

M: So many people are writing about this now. If you read the opinion and letters to the editor and columns, right now, all the big media. So many people are on this recalibration, re-imagining what life should be, we’re questioning.

P: I’m fully in support of it its human interaction we’re, we’re valuing human interaction again. And that’s possibly because we’ve had many months without it.

M: We’re valuing all the positive psychology teachings, everything we discuss on this podcast people and now rediscovering, cooking with your family.

P: Mmm eating with your family, perhaps sharing a meal.

M: Yep, yep. Doing puzzles, playing card games.

I was read- I was watch – reading, watching.

P: [Laugh]

M: Listening, listening to Michelle Obama’s podcast this week.

P: Ah, yes.

M: And she starts with Barack Obama. So Barack has taught the girls Spades. They never would have stopped to do that pre Covid.

P: Right.

M: But they’re loving it and they’re mastering the game. And so they’re having some great bonding moments. I think a lot of parents are experiencing that, but also there’s people out there without children who are rediscovering gardening.

P: Yes.

M: Rooftop gardening, for instance Pete.

P: Love it, yeah, it’s going well. The good old Marjoram is going off, the Chervil didn’t survive. But that was the only one out of 12. The Chervil was the only one that didn’t survive.

M: There you go. So rediscovering cooking, gardening and just the things that help you slow down.

P: And that’s key.

M: Enjoy the moment.

P: And being mindful that brings all that stuff that we talked.

M: All that stuff, spending more time with family. My husband, Francis, and I played a board game the other day for the first time in ages. So I think we’ve again digressed.

P: [Laugh]

M: This is what happens when you give me a Martini.

P: I didn’t give you a Martini.

M: [Laugh]

P: I’m not an enabler.

M: Okay. Smile and be friendly. Friday.

[Day 6]: Thank someone you’re grateful to and tell them why.

P: Ooh.

M: I did this one today it was nice, it was a nice moment.

P: I actually got one yesterday. Someone who I haven’t seen in a long time sent me a written letter through the Post.

M: Oh, I love stationary and actual written.

P: It was incredible. So I haven’t gotten a letter for so long and it arrived and I read it and I was so chuffed that I went and wrote them a reply. Haven’t posted it yet, but she’ll get it in next week.

M: The problem is that you’ve actually got to go to the post office and pick up the stamp.

P: Which is great.

M: Stamps! Who buys stamps.

P: I know, it’s great. I love it.

M: I’ve got so much stationery. I never use it. I really do need to in the altruistic August, actually write a letter. Proper note to someone.

P: Yeah. So altruism in and of itself, let’s get a little bit more definition in here.

M: Sure, so that was Week one [6 days]. We’ve got three minutes left with this podcast We’ve not, so I fully encourage, I wanna push this one through so that we get it out in all this. But I fully encourage everyone to pick up this calendar. So again, it’s at actionforhappiness.org and to set yourself a challenge for 31 days and it comes back to you. But let us know, Pete now, about the science.

P: Well, it’s not necessarily the science but the definition and altruism is about doing things for others and it does have the effect of enabling you and making you feel positive. It’s a benefit to the individual at a cost to oneself. It’s going beyond just thinking about something. It’s actually taking action.

M: Yep.

P: It can be, as you said, donating blood and things like that.

M: I’m determined. So heard on the radio, they need blood going this weekend.

P: So those sorts of actions can come out of it. Recent work suggests that humans behave altruistically because it is emotionally rewarding.

M: Yes. So, if you’re feeling low right now, if you’re going back into a funk because it sucks, Covid sucks right now and we’re about to go back into this second lock down in Sydney. They’re already there in Melbourne. And just so you know, you book online, you can get a pass to leave your house in Melbourne to go give blood.

P: Oh wow, wow.

M: So if you’re stir crazy in your house right now. You can safely get in your car, go donate blood and come home and that is allowed and you won’t be fined if your stopped.

P: Wow, that’s pretty amazing.

M: So you can’t leave to do exercise, you can’t leave to do anything else,

P: But to do something altruistic.

M: Yeah, but you’re saving someone’s life.

P: I am going to talk a little bit very briefly in the last few minutes about pathological altruism.

M: Ooh.

P: So you can go too far with altruism and there’s a lot of examples about this.

M: Tell me more, tell me more. I am so not in danger of this by the way.

P: [Laugh]

M: Talking about giving blood like I’m some kind of Saint, I’m so not, so, so not. This is a good exercise for me to be doing but tell me, people go too far?

P: It is something to be concerned about because you can think that your doing something for the benefit of others when actually you’re not, you’re causing harm. We’ve got several examples of this over history. We’ve got like, the Crusades for example, the people who went on the Crusades. They were determined that we’re bringing the word of God to another culture when really they’re just created war and famine for 400 years.

M: Yep

P: That’s a classic example.

M: Oh! Can I tell you one from my time studying anthropology?

P: Yep.

M: Oh, I love this story. I tell it to anyone who’ll listen, but it stuck with me since studying Anthropology at University. So Western companies went into Africa to try and help them, particularly through the eighties. There was famine and AIDS hit not long after that as well. So there was so much going on and they needed help. And we as the “western saviors” all went into, by the way if you can’t tell that I’m being sarcastic, I’m so being sarcastic, we “western saviors” thought it was our job to go in and save the African nations. And there’s a great story that we learned about, about these, I believe it was a Christian charity, but this is nothing to the religion. So they went in and they were trying to help this small town to understand contraception.

P: Yes.

M: And so they showed all the women they brought all the women into this town hall sort of place, and they were showing them condoms and how to put condoms on. So the way that they showed these women how to apply a condom was to roll them onto broomsticks. So they showed all these women how to use condoms and then moved on to the next town and the next town in the next town and a few years later they came back and unfortunately, childbirth rates had remained the same, which is relatively high. You know, 7/8 kids per couple. And they said what happened? We told you. We sent you free condoms and nothing’s changed. And they said, ‘you guys with your crazy western shaman medicine, I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but rolling condoms on broomsticks has not stopped a single child from being born over the last four years. We rolled those condoms on every night, and we’re still having Children.

P: [Raucous laughter] Very true, yeah.

M: With the best intentions but maybe not the outcome.

P: Yes, exactly and that’s a nice of it.

M: Anyway again we digress.

P: It’s a good digression, it’s a good digression.

M: I will say from a research point of view that giving to others activates an area of the brain linked with contentment and the rewards cycle.

P: Oh, definitely.

M: So performing selfless acts makes you happier.

P: Easy.

M: Yep, that that’s kind of it. We’re gonna wrap up there.

P: I think that that’s a good point to wrapitup.

M: To wrap it up? Alright. I think we will.

Okay. So thank you for joining us again today. If you like our podcast, please help us out by giving us a rating on any of the major platforms. Pete’s laughing at me.

P: I’m not laughing at you.

M: But it does help.

P: It’s on iTunes, it’s on iTunes, I gotta tell them about iTunes.

M: [Laugh] And thankyou for joining us today.

P: Stay happy people.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Moving On article Practicing Gratitude: Why and How You Should do it , listen to our Podcast: Positive Affirmations (E29)

How to Build Your Resilience With Mindfulness and Meditation

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How to Take Control of Your Emotions During COVID – the Link Between Resilience and Meditation

The pandemic has had a negative impact on the mental health and resilience of many people around the world. It has brought uncertainty and fear that has understandably led to higher levels of anxiety, depression, stress and more low moods.

A recent Webster University study unsurprisingly showed that “Even the people who reported high subjective happiness and little stress and low moods were struggling during the lockdown.”

However, this study showed (yet again) that some people were weathering the pandemic better than others; and these people are practicing positive psychology interventions. Although participants who completed the positive psychology interventions did not report an increase in happiness levels, they were more likely to avoid the depression, anxiety and low moods that others felt due to the pandemic.

If you’re experiencing mild depression or low moods, and want to boost your resilience, then introducing positive psychology interventions — such as mindfulness and meditation — into your routine might be what you need.

NOTE: Studies show that positive psychology interventions can help you stay in a better mood and feel happier overall. However, positive psychology interventions will not replace professional support for people who have clinical issues.

What are Mindfulness and Meditation?

Let’s start at the beginning. There is a link between resilience and meditation and mindfulness, but what do they all mean?

Mindfulness is about slowing down, being present and having greater awareness and intention in the moment. Mindfulness is often confused with the practice of meditation – which is a deeper version of mindfulness. Meditation is more than a moment or state of mind, it’s an action that takes time and is more formal, often requiring sitting down for a length of time.

Both mindfulness and meditation are proven to reduce stress, and both focus on calming your mind down. They both teach us not to eliminate thoughts, but to recognise them. Give weight to them. Acknowledge them and finally to let them go. In fact, letting go is one of the hardest things for a mind to do, but it is also fundamental to the practice of mindfulness.

Both these practices have become far more mainstream in the last couple of decades. According to Bill Gates, “For years, I was a sceptic about meditation. Now I do it as often as I can—three times a week if time allows. At a time when we all could use a few minutes to de-stress and re-focus each day, this [Headspace app] is a great place to start.”

Yet, even today there remain a lot of sceptics (myself included!). So, here is the science…

Build Resilience With Meditation and Mindfulness

The research all supports the premise that you can build your resilience with mediations and mindfulness.

There is a large body of research from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) programs at the University of Massachusetts. It shows that people who practice mindfulness increase the size and function of their pre-frontal cortex, the area of the brain where we do decision making and long-term planning. Quite simply, this means mindfulness is great for your brain. Increases in the density of grey matter lead to better mind agility and help with memory, attention skills and decision making.

Research has found that it only takes eight weeks of mindfulness meditation to boost your immune system. Additional physical health benefits include improved sleep quality, and mindful eating has been shown to help fight obesity. It is great at improving positive emotions, while reducing negative emotions and helping to fight stress, depression, anxiety and burnout.

If you’re still not convinced, then consider that the research is so overwhelmingly definitive that over the past decade, mindfulness has permeated the domain of the sceptic: the corporate office. Many ‘suits’ now use mindfulness to help deal with the day to day demands of today’s hectic office environment and prevent burnout.

Mindfulness is also now being taught in schools around the world to help kids improve their mental strength, resilience, emotional control and concentration. In 2019, England announced one of the largest trials in the world. They have up to 370 schools teaching techniques to promote good mental health, such as mindfulness exercises, relaxation techniques and breathing exercises. Recently studies have shown that learning to teach mindfulness to kids helps teachers reduce their own stress, which also benefits the kids.

Practicing Mindfulness and Meditation

There are countless ways to bring mindfulness or meditation into your life and build resilience. As with all things, it’s about finding the right fit for you. Here are some ways to practice mindfulness or meditation.

Being mindful is about stopping and being in the moment. You can do it in many ways, such as:

  • Mindful Eating: This has gained popularity with weight loss experts in recent years. It amounts to ensuring that you focus on and savour every mouthful of food. Put away all distractions during meals — no phone or TV — and take small bites of food, one at a time. Focus on the taste and texture of the food, and savour it.
  • Enjoy Nature: Go for a walk through your neighbourhood. Truly take the time to appreciate even the smallest blade of grass. Look all around you and explore your surroundings with fresh eyes. Sit on a bench and focus on the sights, sounds and smells around you.
  • Being Grateful: Every evening before bed, grab a notebook and write down three things you’re grateful for from the day. Spend time thinking about why you’re grateful and how it makes you feel.

As mentioned earlier, mediation is a bit more structured, but there are many types of meditation you can try, such as:

  • Breathing: This is the most well-known and focuses on taking deep breaths in and out.
  • Body Scanning: This is where you focus on each body part starting at the top and working your way down.
  • Loving-Kindness: This is where you focus on cultivating feelings of goodwill, kindness and compassion.

The Greater Good Science Center has a range of tips and resources to help you understand all the various practices and research and can help you find the right fit with the right benefits you’re after. Or you can take a look at the below apps or books to get you started on your mediation journey.

Top Meditation Apps for Beginners

If you’ve still got questions and aren’t sure where to start, then an app might be the best start for you.

Headspace: Headspace is a guided meditation and mindfulness app for stress, anxiety, sleep, focus, fitness, and more. The app provides hundreds of guided meditations, on several different topics, with new topics every day. The app also features sleep sounds; tutorial animations; a meditation progress tracker; and exercises that are designed for children.

Calm: This leading app for meditation and sleep promises better sleep, lower stress, and less anxiety. The app provides guided sessions on topics ranging from calming anxiety to gratitude to mindfulness at work—as well as sleep sounds, nature sounds, and breathing exercises.

10% Happier: The Ten Percent Happier app helps you discover guided meditations and practical teachings you can carry anywhere. Designed specifically for sceptics, this app has expert teachers walk you through the basics, one breath at a time

Great Books on Meditation

The Headspace Guide to Meditation and Mindfulness, by Andy Puddicombe. Andy’s book and the app he created, Headspace, are what made Bill Gates a convert. Andy is a former Buddhist monk and his book offers lots of helpful metaphors to explain potentially tricky concepts in meditation.

10% Happier, by Dan Harris. After a panic attack on live TV, ABC news anchor Dan Harris had to make some changes. Harris recounts his journey from sceptic to meditator in his #1 New York Times bestselling book.

Remember that a positive psychology intervention is only going to work if it’s the right fit for you, so why not find something that works for you and give it a go!

Related reading: The Secret to Surviving Isolation

Don’t forget to subscribe for our monthly newsletter for more tips, freebies and subscriber-only content!

Whoda Thought it… Money Can Buy Happiness (E31)

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Happiness for Cynics

This week, Pete and Marie discuss a recent study which has thrown the age-old adage “Money can’t buy you happiness” on its head. Could it be true that money can buy happiness?!

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on resilience.

P:  And I’m Peter Furness, A believer in bubbles, a coercer of caper-isms and a doyen of decadence. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low.

P: Or if you’re only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it.

M: Or maybe you just want more?

P: More! Then this is the place to be.

M: This week we’re discussing a recent news story, which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Money Does Buy Happiness.

P: Insert snide comment here.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: Okay, so this week we’re talking about a new study which was reported on, I first saw it in Washington Post, and it has thrown the age old adage ‘Money Can’t Buy Happiness’ on its head.

P: Cobble wash. I don’t believe it for a second.

M: I knew you’d love this one.

P: Folks, you are about to see Peter and Marie be at opposite ends of the scale.

M: [Laugh] I’m, just reporting on the news, people.

P: Yeah, yeah, you and your science.

M: So pretty much it’s not good news for the growing lower class who are being left behind due to the ever increasing wealth gap. So the study by researchers Jean and again, I’m going to mispronounce names. Oh and by the way-

P: Hoo-geh [hygge].

[Laughter]

M: – it turns out our episode a couple of weeks ago where we did, there was a disclaimer, wasn’t there Pete?

P: We did. We did say that we weren’t owning the fact that we could pronounce it correctly.

M: Yes, and the Danish have done it again and tricked us.

P: [Laugh]

M: So I have a colleague from Denmark who corrected me. It’s not ‘hoo-geh’, it’s ‘hee-geh’.

P: I still like ‘hoo-geh’.

M: [Laugh]

P: Hoooo-geh!

M: [Laugh]

P: It just makes you laugh, common. Go with me on this?

M: So anyway, this research again, apologies if I miss-pronounce your name.

This research by Jean [M] Twenge and A. Bell Cooper was published in July this … [year] by the American Psychological Association, and it shows that there’s a growing class divide in happiness in the US. So, looking at findings in a general social survey, Twenge and Cooper found a positive correlation between socio-economic status (so that’s income, education and occupational prestige) and happiness. And the positive correlation has grown steadily since the seventies, all the way til today.

P: So are they saying that with the increase in income, you have more ability to feel happiness?

M: No the self-reported happiness. People are happier when they’re earning more.

P: Okay. I’m with you on..

M: As their socio-economic status rises, so do their happiness levels.

P: Does this come back to Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs, which we mentioned before?

M: No.

P: No?

M: No.

P: Damnit, I thought I was onto something there.

M: We could go down that route, if you really want it. [Laugh]

P: Does it mean that money gives you a certain freedom to be able to look beyond the necessities and then focus on happiness. Is that what they’re saying?

M: Look, I think you could… hhmm, the study doesn’t say that, but I would definitely say that’s worth exploring.

P: Right.

M: And I think that previous studies have definitely shown that there comes a point where your basic needs are met. So that is Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. So your basic needs are met and that frees you to focus on larger things like happiness.

P: This study is talking about the definite link between income or socio-economic status and the ability of happiness.

M: And happiness, not even the ability of happiness, just happiness.

P: Ok, I’m on board.

M: Yep.

P: I’m just going to put my glasses on.

M: So there you go, that was our episode. Thank you for joining us.

P: [Laughter] Oh, no. I have so many more questions here.

[Laughter]

M: So I think the really interesting thing here is that previous studies had shown that there was little link between happiness and income.

P: Okay.

M: So this is new. This is different and what we’d seen in previous incomes is that after a certain point, after your base needs are met, which many believe is about $75,000 a year, US. So after those basic needs are met, then your happiness levels don’t increase in proportion to increases in salary.

P: Oh, okay, okay.

M: So that’s what previous studies have shown.

P: Have talked about, right?

M: This study is actually saying nah. It’s all gobbledygook. Throw that out. Actually, your happiness continues to increase as you continue to earn more.

P: To a certain point or is that an exponential graph growth?

M: They’re saying it is tied and correlates the whole way through.

P: Alright, okay.

M: Keep earning more, you will be more happy.

P: Okay. All right. Let’s, let’s go forward with this. I’ve got a lot of, you know, ancient texts that might challenge you. [Laugh]

M: So I think it’s worth saying that there’s a lot that, they possibly, a lot of fringe cases that we don’t know about.

So the general social survey covers quite a few people, but obviously there’s so many different elements to this and facets to this that we could explore, and that’s what today’s episode is a little bit about. But to go back to the studies.

They say that over 40 years, the happiness levels of high wealth individuals have been consistent, whereas the happiness levels of poorer individuals have slowly declined, according to the research.

So in an interview with The Washington Post, Twenge said that the link between income and happiness is stronger now than in previous decades, so something has shifted in the last 20/30 years.

P: Hhmm. Okay.

M: Also the decrease in happiness among lower income people may be a result of rising inequality, increasing real estate values and decreased ability to pay for education.

So it’s not necessarily that the people getting more are getting happier. It’s that the people who are in the bottom income brackets are feeling less happy.

P: I would go, I would go with that. Yes, I’ll agree with that one.

M: There you go, point proven and again ‘Thankyou for joining us.’ [Laugh]

P: Hang on now, back it up Buttercup.

M: Alright, what have you got to say about this Pete?

P: I can see the reasons why the lower socio-economic status would pre-destine you to being more challenge to experiencing happiness. But is this buying into consumerism. Is it buying into the fact that we need to have materialistic things around us to be happy? Or are we talking about, I’m thinking of discarding the socio norms and discarding the house, the car, the 2. 4 Children with the dog and all that sort of stuff, having the latest television and all that sort of thing and coming back to those really basic needs of happiness that we have and finding value and joy in the small things, celebrating the small victories, finding joy in the fact that I am celebrating the fact that I can walk down the street on a sunny day.

M: All of those things that you teach people to be grateful for when you practise gratitude is what you’re getting at. And absolutely I think that’s the good news here. So if you’re not earning 75,000 year and you are living week to week and at times you wonder how you’re going to pay bills or rent etcetera. That doesn’t mean you can’t be happy.

P: Which is kind of the point that I’m getting to in a roundabout way. I don’t want listens to feel that they can’t access happiness if they’re not earning 75K a week. Because then that for me buys into the whole concept of ‘you need to focus on earning more money’, which doesn’t buy in.

M: Damn it, that was one of my tips.

P: Aagghh [Spluttering incoherently]  

M: [Laugh] We haven’t gotten to that part yet.

P: My bad. Back it up, sorry.

M: [Laugh] Make more money. Look, I absolutely agree, however. I’m going to caveat this, there is a lot of research into what makes people happy, and:

  • Having happy things in your life is one thing that increases your happiness level;
  • Getting married;
  • Getting a promotion;
  • Having good friends around; [and]
  • All those kinds of things.

Positive affect is what they call it.

P: Yes.

M: Those things increase your happiness level.

Negative affect:

So you know, not having negative health impacts, not crashing your car. Not all of those bad things that can happen in life, and they can impact your happiness levels.

P: Mm hhmm.

M: And then the third bucket. So good things happening. Bad things not happening. They both impact your happiness levels.

The third piece is really, it’s the everything else bucket, and it’s, some people argue that there’s a bit of nature versus nurture, so are you predisposed to being more optimistic than pessimistic or more of a realist, that kind of thing.

P: Okay.

M: And also, how have you been conditioned to view the world? Are you, again, just more of a happy person by nature? All of that in there. And one of the arguments in there that’s being explored recently, particularly in positive psychology, is this idea of comparing our lot in life to others. And it is –

P: Mmm. This is the whole Facebook thing.

M: Yeah, yep, that’s part of it, definitely. But if you look around at everyone else in your community and you think you’ve got it worse off than everyone else, it is really hard to be happy.

P: Okay.

M: And we’re wired and biologically set up to compare ourselves with others, and that impacts our perception of our lives and that is a huge driving factor in our happiness levels.

P: Oh, I’ve so got a quote for you. [Laugh]

M: So, I am going to say that even though I agree with you that there is so much you can do, if you’re not earning a lot of money and you’re struggling financially, to make yourself happy. It is not easy, if you compare your life to others and you see-

P: I agree, comparing is not the way, is not the route to happiness because that’s an external measurement that you’re focusing on. It’s not an internal balance. I will quote this it comes from His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. “Happy people focus on their inner growth. Unhappy people blame the outer world.” I like that because for me, that’s a real fundamental perspective of if you want to buy into happiness, then look at your internal self. Look at yourself. Don’t think about the bad things that happen to you or the bad external things that you have no control over, the elements that you can’t control. If you’re blaming that for your lack of happiness, you’re not doing the right work. You’re not looking at the perspective in the right way.

M: I kind of agree with that and then I kind of don’t.

P: Is this part of your cynical side coming out do you think?

M: No, no, this is me fully buying into the positive psychology thing. The reason I don’t is that I think one of the other amazing Dalai Lama quotes. It’s not a quote, but because I don’t read that crap-

P: Oh!! [Hyperventilating.]

M: like you do. But one of the ideas that he is famous for is that if you want to bring happiness to yourself, focus on others and I think that’s also a beautiful-

P: Ah, yes.

M: Yeah, and, and, and look, they’re not that diametrically opposed.

P: No, they’re not actually.

M: But I am. I’m such a firm believer that helping others is your path to happiness for anyone who’s having problems.

P: I agree with you but.. definitely.

M: I don’t think we’re disagreeing.

P: No, not at all but we’re looking at it in different context.

M: Yeah a different context.

P: I guess I’m coming at the point of if you’re looking at money being a precursor to your happiness.

M: You’ll never be happy.

P: Exactly. It’s like it comes back to that basic episode we did, don’t search for happiness because it’s not something you can, you can achieve.

M: Yep

P: It comes as a result of other things.

M: Yep.

P: We’re getting very esoteric here, maybe.

M: Well, no. I think that’s the whole point of an episode about money and happiness.

P: Mmm. Okay, so let’s look at more of the research, perhaps, and the justification behind this. You’re saying $75,000 is the base measurement?

M: Yep. You’re sad if you’re earning 60? what did I say? 75?

P: 75K.

M:  $74, 999 but you happy of your earning $75, 001.

[Laughter]

P: So look..

M: I think also this doesn’t take into account stress and stress can be a huge, It could be one of those negative affect elements that I was talking about.

P: That people earning a 100K are more stressed than people who are earning 60K?

M: No. Absolutely not. Stress again can be very much how you perceive it and how you react to external as well.

P: Yes, definitely.

M: However, if you have a family of four on 75 K in New York City, that money doesn’t go far-

P: Or in Sydney.

M: Or in Sydney, and that constant financial stress that you carry around day in, day out about how to educate your kids, put food on the table, pay the bills, the minimum, is going to wear on you, wear you down.

P: And I absolutely agree.

M: And so I think there’s stress when you’re a low income earner that doesn’t come with the higher income earners, necessarily.

P: Yes.

M: Now you can always overspend and spend too much and, you know, get too big a mortgage for you to manage, and you can still be financially stressed when you’re earning more. But there is definitely a financial stress of living in the lower socio economic groups.

P: I’m on board with you there.

M: That again, that doesn’t mean that you can’t implement real tactics to manage stress better to do some really good solid budgeting and mindfulness and all of those fabulous things that help you deal with stress, acknowledge it, work it out, label it and manage your stress.

P: Address the problem as opposed to not addressing it.

M: Yep, and there will be bad months and bad pay weeks and all the rest of it, unexpected bills.

But you can manage that and still work on being happy and take the kids to the park on a Saturday morning, which is a free activity rather than to Luna Park.

P: Yep.

M: Yep, where you didn’t see them for the day anyway because they were running off on rides. So I still think that it is very possible to own your own happiness. If you’re in the lower socioeconomic groups, there is just a little bit more stacked against you at times.

P: I find that an interesting perspective because my whole being recoils at the fact that I have to achieve a certain income to be able to achieve happiness. And I guess that comes from my own personal experience of being for want of a better term a down and outer in London and going okay, it’s a really expensive city, and I’ve got to make this work for me, and yet it was the most fabulous city for me at that time, and I wasn’t earning a lot of money, I was struggling to pay rent and so forth. But damn it was fun! [Laugh]

M: I did the same thing. I when I was on scholarship in the States, I spent my food money for the semester on a trip to Paris.

P: [Laugh] And then ate McDonald’s chips for the next three months?

M: 2 minute noodles, pasta… yeah.

P: And the joy that you can get out of that.

I think this is the thing, it’s about balance. It’s about, I wouldn’t like our listens to fall into the trap of thinking that they have to achieve a certain financial goal before they can even buy into happiness. I think that’s the wrong message. I’m gonna put that out there.

M: I agree.

P: But your, the research is saying…

M: The research is saying that, you know, that there is a reality to it –

P: There’s a correlation between earning more money and actually being able to experience happiness, at a more cognitive –

M: And just being happier.

P: Being happier.

M: Just being happier.

P: Mmm. My whole body recoils at that statement.

M: So if you’re financially stressed it would chip away your happiness levels. So I think it makes sense to me, perfect sense to me.

P: Well?

M: So on your bottom 10% it would be chipping away your ability to be happy.

P: Yeah… I don’t agree.

M: If you’re financially stressed? So you weren’t?

P: No. I get the financially stressed aspect of it but there comes over a certain resiliency. And maybe it’s my angel loving ways and the belief in the universe providing me with what I need. And, you know, the struggle is my goal and my gateway to a higher self and all this sort of stuff. To, even though you are in a financial stress is to take joy and to take time to appreciate the small victories and the small aspect of like, yeah, I’m having a coffee with my partner in the morning in the sunshine on the balcony and that can still bring about an amazing amount of joy. If you have your perspective and if you have the want to see temerity, then won’t it be the right word? The perspective to be able to recognise those small little joys and still celebrate them, even though you are financially stressed.

M: Yep, I agree. But without the financial stress, you would be happier more often without trying.

P: O..kay? Alright, I’ll give you that.

M: It’s like, yep. I Think we’re saying the same thing.

P: Essentially yeah, it just recoils me.

M: If you’ve got a rain cloud always hanging over your head. You can enjoy looking at the flowers in the rain, –

P: You can put your galoshes on and jump in the puddles.

M: – but eventually you go, ‘I’m really cold and I’m wet and this sucks right now’, and you pull up your socks and you get out that again tomorrow. But it’s still there. It’s always there.

P: Yeah, that’s true. Yeah, Ok. I’ll give you that.

M: Woo hoo, one win for Marie.

P: [Laugh]

M: So, apart from ‘make more money’, do you have any other tips for listeners, Pete? As the eternal optimist.

P: [Lots of Laughter] You got me to laugh so much. Oh, that’s funny. Happiness on a budget? Is that what we’re calling this?

Own the small stuff.

I think it is about mindfulness and a bit about clarity of going ‘What is it that’s going to make me joyful? And if that is walking in the sunshine when it’s sunny and walking down to the lake or the park and standing there and rejoicing in the joy off the moment, I think it’s really about experiencing the moment that for me is a great, solid to hold on to even if you are in a financial situation or you are under a budget conscious level.

Celebrate the small wins.

When you have a small win celebrate it, pat yourself on the back, buying yourself a $2 bottle of wine to celebrate a little victory, that’s great.

M: Does that exist any more?

P: In France maybe?

M: We used to get passion pop for $3.

P: [Laugh] The Coolabah goon bag.

M: I’m not going back there. I would just become a teetotaller if that’s my option.

P: I’m going to drop a story here. I love you, my darling sister and my brother in law. But this is fabulous. They were, they were financially hard up when they had their first child and they were sitting on the couch on a Friday night. And I think it was my brother in law who put his hand down the side of the couch and found a $10 note.

M: Woo, score!

P: And they bought potatoes. They bought a bag of potatoes and that was dinner, and it was the best dinner for them because it was roast potatoes.

M: Everyone likes a roast potato.

P: So that’s a celebration, a celebration and they celebrated that.  I’ve heard Cath talk about this, you know that was their, that was their moment, they found $10 yes! Let’s have butter on potatoes!

That’s a small win and recognising that, owning that and celebrating that together, I think that’s really important.

M: Yeah true, very true. All right. Well, we do need to wrap up. That is the end of today’s podcast. I think the conclusion is money does and doesn’t buy you happiness.

P: It’s about your perspective people, don’t think you need 75K to be happy. You don’t. That’s what I’m going to say. [Laugh]

M: Yeah, I will give you that.  

P: Thumbs up to the research.

M: All right, so [Ba bow – gameshow failure noise] to this latest study.

[Laughter]

M: All right. Well, thanks for joining us today if you want to hear more please remember to subscribe and like this podcast.

P: And remember you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, the site about how to find balance, happiness and resilience in your life, including some really practical tips and resource is to get you started on your happiness journey. Until next time.

M: Stay happy.

P: Choose Happiness. [Whispers] For 75K.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Moving On article Turns Out Money Does Buy You Happiness, Study Finds, listen to our Podcast: What is Happiness? (E1)

The Secret to Surviving Isolation

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Who are the Ones Surviving the Corona-coaster of Emotions?

They’re out there… the resilient. The ones who are not only surviving but thriving during isolation. So, who are they and what can we learn from the people who are thriving during isolation?

For many of us, emotions are running high as people around Australia face a second lock-down and more forced isolation. This time around, it’s really dealt a blow to a lot of people’s psyches. We thought we were about to step off the Corona-coaster, it looked like it was rolling back to the start. We dared to hope. Despite all the ups and downs, the good times and the scary times, we made it through. But 2020 had other ideas. And instead, we’re all strapped in for a second ride that no one wanted to take. Here we go again.

Not only that, but the rhetoric has shifted recently too adding more stress and worry to our daily lives. It didn’t take long to move from an unprecedented unified front between State and Federal governments to the usual blame game. Media commentators and talk-back radio soon followed with far more negative talk and frustrations being vented this time around. People are mad and they’re not holding back this time.

It’s like everyone forgot to take their afternoon nap, and all that “community-first” good behaviour has gone out the window. Whereas before, everyone held their tongue, now they feel justified in having a tanty. And who can blame anyone? We’re all just tired and fed-up.

The Resilient

Yet despite it all, there are some, a special few, who are doing just fine. For them, this is just another day in 2020, filled with hope and promise. They haven’t had bad days or bad weeks. They haven’t felt periods of mild depression or moments of anger and tears. In fact, rather than feeling an increase in anxiety or loneliness, they’re feeling more grateful, more positive and more satisfied with their lives. They’re happy.

These are the resilient ones.

It’s not that the resilient don’t feel any frustration, worry, anxiety or any of the other negative emotions that are completely normal in the midst of a global pandemic (what’s normal in this situation anyway!?). No. It’s just that these resilient people have found a way to power through with barely a bump on their emotional rollercoaster, and certainly not the 90-degree climbs and falls everyone else is experiencing.

So, what are these people doing differently to the rest of us? What’s the secret?

Who are the Ones Surviving and Thriving in Isolation?

Researchers from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill’s Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Lab have been looking into who is fairing best during these unprecedented times.

In their research, they found a group of people who are coping better than most, and even better, they’ve worked out what activities these people do to help them be positive and resilient. It’s worth mentioning again that these people aren’t perfect, they feel negative emotions too, they’re just not paralysed by their emotions and they bounce back faster.

The Secret to Surviving Isolation

So, what are the commonalities among this group of resilient people? What are the things they’re doing that lead to these positive emotions and keep the negative ones at bay?

The research shows that exercise, hobbies and self-care activities like meditation, kindness, gratitude and prayer are among the most common ways to maintain resilience during COVID.

“So the more stressed, anxious, lonely or depressed you are, the more it matters that you take time to exercise and care for yourself. We have found it useful to put repeating events in our calendars. That way, we’ve always got blocks of time dedicated to these things, and also reminders,” say researchers Barbara Fredrickson and Michael M. Prinzing.

On the flip side, the one thing that hurts your resiliency: scrolling through social media. The researchers showed that passively browsing and scrolling through social media is one of the worst things you can do – I’m sure in part due to all that negativity that we mentioned earlier.

Lastly, the research showed that people who spend more time actively interacting with others experience more positive and fewer negative emotions. So, doing the activities with someone is a double whammy. Or, if you can’t (isolation means isolation after all) then make sure you’re proactively making time to speak to people on the phone or on video chat. Text messages just won’t cut it.

Related reading:

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All About the 5 Love Languages (E30)

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Happiness for Cynics

This week, Marie and Pete discuss #1 New York Times bestseller Dr Gary Chapman’s “5 Love Languages” and how important it is for your relationship and your happiness to understand your own personal love language and that of your partner.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness. A love boat singer and seventies disco flare wearing backup dancer.

[Laughter]

P: Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low.

P: Or if you’re only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it.

M: Or maybe you just want more!

P: Then this is the place to be! [Sings] The love boat.

M: [Laugh] This week if you haven’t guessed we are talking about love languages and Pete has just played the Love Boat song, and sang along.

P: It’s so much fun. He he. Come on, sing it with me. You kind of expect, you know Barry White to come on. It’s kind of vibe.

M: That is Five seconds were allowed before we get fined.

P: Oh, Boo. It’s so much fun.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: Okay, So this week, we are talking about a book by Gary Chapman and a concept, Sorry. [Whispers] So much more than a book.

P: [Laugh]

M: It’s more than a book and I deliberately told Pete not to do any research on it.

P: I am completely open. I am an open… book. [Laugh]

M: So Gary Chapman wrote a book called ‘The Five Love Languages’, and … I’ve mentioned it multiple times because in Covid, you have really missed touch and I’ve told you multiple times, I think touch is your love language.

P: Right.

M: During, during the past 30 episodes, and you’ve… smiled and nodded and gone ‘Meh… OK’.

P: I trust you Muz, you know me so well.

M: [Laugh] so I think it’s about time we talked about love languages.

P: Ok, so what are love languages?

M: So, they are the parts of us that represent our emotional need for love. So when our love tanks are full, everything is good.

P: Ooh, ok.

M: But we all work on different types of fuel, and being filled up with the wrong fuel can leave us feeling empty or unfulfilled. But when you fill people up with the right fuel, the right love language, then they feel on top of the world they feel loved.

P: I feel like I’m ethanol number 10.

[Laughter]

M: Touch… it is the dirtiest.

P: [Laugh] I could say something that would be inappropriate. [Hysterical laughter] OK, alright… I like this idea, though, that everyone has their own, their own need and it’s about identifying that persons need to be able to fill up their well spring of love language that brings them to their highest point.

M: It makes them feel happy.

P: Yeah, I get that.

M: And loved. Actually loved and cared for.

P: That resonates very strongly with me.

M: Great. Tick.

P: I’m in, I’m in, I’m buying in Marie.

M: [Laugh]

P: I always buy in, who am I kidding.

M: One of the things that Chapman talks about is that at the beginning of a relationship, it’s a free for.

P: Mmm. Ok

M: You’ve got all the butterflies. Doesn’t matter what they’re doing. You’re all loving on each other. Honey moon phase.

P: Yeah. Fireworks are going off.

M: Yep.

P: Lady and the Tramp spaghetti moments.

M: Yep. Now, when this really makes a difference, is once you through that honeymoon phase, right.

P: Yep

M: So we’ll start with number one.

So the first love language is:

Words of Affirmation.

P: Are these love poems? Are these the things that you write to your partner and leave on pieces of paper randomly in books?

M: Yes, it is supportive and complimentary words that make them feel the most loved.

P: So when they ‘do I look fat in this dress’, you say ‘Yes, baby. I mean no, baby.

M: That would be just a normal conversation and a no brainer to say no.

P: Yeah, true.

M: I’m just gonna throw that out. So the people whose love language use words of affirmations seek for others to tell them positive things. That’s what makes them feel good about themselves it’s what makes them feel loved and cared for. So it’s not me, that’s not me. 

P: Is this different to narcissism in terms of needing that to boost you up?

M: So there’s, there’s four others that we’ll get to in a second.

P: Alright, jumping the gun.

M: This is… No, no, no. Look, I think it’s a, it’s a fair question that could apply to any of the five, total.

P: Right, gotcha.

M: It is about what makes you feel special.

P: Okay.

M: All right?

P: Yeah.

M: And the person that you love, you want them to make you feel special. And sometimes this is more about, just like with so many other things have discussed, knowing yourself and more than that, knowing your partner and how you can make them feel special. But also them knowing what makes you feel special. Because if they’re talking to you in your wrong language.

P: It’s not registering.

M: They could be trying and trying and trying.

P: And you’re not recognising it, definitely.

M: And you feel unloved.

P: Okay. Yeah, I’m so with you. Okay.

M: All right.

P: Number two?

M: Number two:

Quality Time.

So these people, who, their love language is quality time, they require moments of undivided attention from their partners.

P: I definitely agree with that one. You need your me time with your partner.

M: And these people –

P: Date night, it’s date night.

M: Yes. It is Date night. And date night can’t be movie watching for these people.

P: Oh, right. It’s not quality time together.

M: Yes, quality is the key word there.

P: I got you, righto. That’s an easy one.

M: Okay. Number three:

Receiving Gifts.

P: Oohh…

M: And for these people, it’s not about the money, it’s the thought.

P: So buying a treasure trove of jewellery that you just give a box to every now and then, that doesn’t work.

M: I mean, look I’ll never say no to jewellery.

P: [Laugh] Wrapped in Tiffany’s?

M: Yes. I like diamonds.

[Laughter]

P: But it’s the thoughtfulness behind those sorts of gifts, the little things that you leave out or wake up one morning and there’s a gift.

M: Even the flowers that you picked from the neighbour’s yard.

P: Yeah.

M: But the fact that you picked a couple and stopped and thought my significant other would like this came home and presented it to them that, you know, if someone is a gift receiver, is there love language, then that will mean the world to that person.

P: It’s a bit like a cat bringing a dead mouse to your door. Is that, is that a gift?

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s the cat’s way of going ‘Here, I caught this for you. Here you go.’

M: It’s the thought.

P: Yeah, right.

M: So, actually, the funny thing is… someone whose love language is receiving gifts would see that from the cat and be completely touched by that.

P: Hhmm. I get it. I get that. I understand.

M: The rest of us would be like, eugghh..

P: [Laugh] Take it away.

M: All right. So number four is:

Acts of Service.

P: Oh, I’m a big one on this one.

M: Yep, so this is me.

P: Yeah?

M: The act of one partner doing things for the other person. So I have those ‘aawww moments’ when my husband has done a load of laundry and put it away when I get home.

P: Including picking up his socks?

[Laughter]

M: Yep and he’s bothered to pick up his socks off the floor. [Laugh]

P: It’s good that you register that.

[Laughter]

M: Or when I’m really busy at work and I’m running late and he puts dinner on without asking.

P: That, that was the next one that I was going to go to, like you come home and dinner is cooked for you. Who doesn’t go, ‘oh’ when you walk in and someone says here’s dinner, it’s a roast turkey.

M: Yep.

P: You know that that’s been effort put in, and that someone’s actually thought they’re going to be stressed, they’re gonna be hungry when they get home. I’m going to make dinner, and you walk in and there’s a candlelit table who wouldn’t go ‘oh’ over that?

M: So I need to get you to teach my husband about the candles and the turkey.

P: Problem is, if I did that, I’d probably end up coming over for dinner.

M: [Laugh] In a way, you both would have done an act of service that I would be grateful for.

P: This isn’t… I actually had a conversation with a friend of mine today. Over lunch about this exact point and he very freely volunteers the fact that he will make his lovers or his affectionate ones feel like a prince or a princess and He will absolutely go to all the ends of the Earth to do those sorts of things and make you feel like you are the most special person on Earth. He doesn’t want that in return.

M: And here’s the thing, is he projecting what he thinks they want on them and all they actually want is for him to say, ‘Jeez babe, you look hot’.

P: Possibly, possibly.

M: You know or if words of affirmation, you know, other things-

P: True.

M: – were your love language. So this is the next step I would say for him he might be displaying his love for others in a way that they’re not receiving [it].

P: I agree. Yes, definitely. And I’m big on that, but I think it’s, it’s an interesting trait of someone to be… And I think I fall into this as well, like I am very much am big on cooking dinner for someone ‘saying come over and I will massage you for the evening or, you know go two hours overtime when I really shouldn’t, which some of my Clients have said ‘I’ve got to be somewhere at seven thirty’ and I’ve said ‘Shut up and put your head on the table.

[Laughter]

P: You know, glasses of wine or whatever. Or that act of service, washing the car, cleaning out the bedroom.

M: Yep.

P: That sort of thing, they are expressions of service and if we don’t recognise those for the acts of love they are that’s a miscommunication. I like that one. Number four is me.

M: Woah, well, here’s number five which I think is you.

P: Yeah. Okay. This is a biggy.

M: So,

Physical Touch.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: And it is recognised for its bonding effects for everyone. But for the person with this love language, physical touch is the supreme representation of love.

P: Guilty as charged, definitely.

M: It is snuggling and cuddling and holding hands and just having your hand on someone’s shoulder. Just being close and near to them, is this person’s love language.

P: Yeah, huge, definitely. Does it have to be giver or receiver?

M: What do you mean?

P: So if you’re a physical touch person, do you have to give or do you have to receive?

M: It’s your love language.

P: So it’s the way that you express it.

M: It’s the way that you need it to have your tank filled. So you need other’s physical touch.

P: You need physical touch, gotcha.

M: Which is why I think you were missing it and why your tank was low over the Covid isolation.

P: I’ll give you that, yep. Definitely. I was craving touch a lot. Actually, it was, it was difficult because I was very much separated from my friends who I get my physical touch from.

M: Mmm hhmm

P: I don’t have a partner and I’m very reliant on the affection of my friends. To give me those hugs, to slap me on the ass and you know, you know, even to give me a headlock or something like that, that’s physical touch. That’s expression of affection. And, yeah, I’m very dependent on that. And it was really difficult when Covid was in the height that I wasn’t getting any of that. It was really tough.

M: Yep, so that’s why multiple times I’ve said, I think physical touch is your love language Pete.

P: [Laugh]

M: And I think that’s why you missed it so much and why you were running on empty a bit from, a love perspective.

P: Yep, definitely.

M: Not that acts of service wouldn’t maybe, maybe you’re a hybrid?

P: No I –

M: Part electric? Part?

[Laughter]

P: I’m a Toyota Camry.

M: Part electric…

[Laughter]

M: Acts of Service a little bit with a lot of Physical Touch.

P: Well, I guess that’s what this is, what it comes down to. Can you be a blend of all three, all five of these? Or is there one that is the primary expression for you?

M: I think you could. I think, with all things there’s no black and white with any of this. But I think most people would go, ‘Yes, that’s me or these two are me.’ So I think you’d be more dominant. Definitely.

P: So it’s good to recognise that because then you can identify that if you are feeling that your tank is a bit low.

M: Well, I think like with so much of what we talked about, the reason it’s important is about understanding yourself and what makes you happy.

P: Yes.

M: And again so you can communicate with your partner. So I think a lot of miscommunication and not feeling loved can be avoided by understanding each other a little bit better. Having a conversation around what makes you feel loved.

P: Identifying which one of the five you are.

M: Yeah, and knowing that, I’m in acts of service person, but that might not be Francis, so I could do laundry until –

P: Francis being your husband.

M: Yes, and I could do laundry till the cows come home and feel really rejected that I’m not even getting a thank you for it and that Francis isn’t feeling loved because I keep picking up his socks.

P: [Laugh]

M: And I could let that really drive a wedge between us or we could have a conversation about how he likes to feel loved and we can split the laundry, and I can tell him he looks hot in his new jeans. That would be much easier than doing laundry all the time.

P: [Laugh] It’s also recognising that. So when you hear that that someone or you does an act of service like picking up their socks, you go aww they’re trying isn’t that nice.

M: Yep.

P: They’re trying to meet me on my love language.

M: Yes, absolutely.

P: Which could be really hard for some couples, I imagine. Or some relationships is meeting someone on their love language and if you’re not a physical person, but your partner is a physical touch love language. Woah that’s gonna be tough. It’s going to be hard.

M: Well, I think we all start relationships with the right intent, which is to make the other person happy. You want that at the beginning at least.

P: Ok. That’s, that’s an assumption. But Yes.

M: [Laugh] Ok. It’s a big assumption I guess.

P: Well it is because a lot of it’s about making us happy. You go into a relationship because you want them to make you feel happy.

M: All right, maybe we need to go down a different route, [Laugh] that is a whole other kettle of fish.

P: I’m sorry, I’m throwing spanners in the works here. [Laugh]

M: Yeah, so I think that, I think what you give to a person comes back to you.

P: Oh, I completely agree. Yep, yep definitely.

M: So if you’re aiming to make someone else happy, that comes back to you, you know, tenfold. So understanding early on what that person needs to be happy, it just becomes, a bit of a habit then about the way that you two work together. So, I guess. How do you know which one you are?, is a really good question.

P: Hhmm.

M: I’ve got a few points here.

So if you’re always seeking approval or recognition for who you are or what you do, then you’re love language may be Words of Affirmation.

P: Yeah, that’s fair. Approval. Approval via words which is very specific.

M: If you’re asking, you know, ‘How’s the dinner? Do you like it? Is it good? Or…

P: Do I look good in these jeans?

M: Yes.

[Laughter]

M: Now.

If you frequently initiate evening walks, then Quality Time may be your primary love language.

P: Oohh I like that. If you’re initiating actions to spend with your partner and encouraging them to come with you on certain aspects of your lifestyle then, yeah, yeah.

M:

If you keep and cherish small gifts, you may speak the love language of Receiving Gifts.

P: Does that make you a hoarder?

M: Yeah, well, you might be a hoarder, it’s a fine line.

P: [Laugh]

M: I think my mom might be one of these [Gift Receiver], because she’s still got a box with all of our birthday cards and-

P: Oh my mum’s the same. She categorises them.

M: Maybe it’s just a thing older people do.

P: We all have our own book, like my sister and I, and even the niece and nephew they all have their own books.

M: Aww. Maybe that’s her love language then.

P: Keeper of the treasures.

M: Receiver of gifts.

P: Yeah.

M:

If you feel overwhelming love when your partner brings home takeout. [Love language- Acts of Service]

P: [Laugh] OK, for those of you who don’t know Marie and Bruce [Francis’s Australian name] are like the take out kings and queens. [Laugh]

M: I just.. hate cooking.

P: [Laugh]

M: I’m so privileged I get it, but I just hate cooking and it’s so cheap nowadays.

P: True.

M: I just don’t get it.

P: Anyway they could be cooking for you as well. So if someone cooks dinner for you every night, is that the same?

M: Yeah, look, it’s yeah, but to me it’s not the thought that counts when it comes to cooking dinner. So I think both me and Francis are better out of the kitchen.

P: [Laugh]

M: He does a really mean soup and toast from a packet.

[Laughter]

M:

Then if you melt when your partner touches you randomly, then Physical Touch.

P: Oh, yeah definitely.

M: That’s probably your love language.

P: That’s my love language. Definitely. Yeah, yeah, I think that’s a yes. It’s a measurement of intimacy. And it is those soft, and you could be having the worst argument on and it’s just that one little touch that just makes you go ‘Yep, we’re good’.

M: Little touch?

P: Yep, it could be a small touch, doesn’t need to be big.

M: Not an angry touch? You’re having an argument?

P: That depends on how good the angry gets?

[Laughter]

M: We’re not talking make up sex.

P: [Laugh] You’re going to throw me on couch, wrestle me down. Yeah, maybe sure [laugh].

M: If we were videoing this. You would see the way that Pete reached to me when he was talking about having an angry discussion and ran his, trailed his finger down my arm.

P: Oh, dear. [Laugh]

M: All right, so again, why is this important? Why are we talking about this? It’s self-awareness again.

P: It is, it’s recognising what your language of communication is, which I think leads to more intimate relationships.

M: Absolutely. Yep.

P: If you’re sending the right signals and if you are receiving the right information then it enriches your happiness, it makes you feel better about things because you’re recognising them. You may not necessarily receive them in the right way, but you’re recognising the effort, which leads to more intimacy and more understanding of, of happiness and good feelings.

M: Plus, if your partner stops cooking really very average dinners and just brings you home or take out and it makes you happier, like Bob’s your Uncle.

P: True.

M: Hint, hint.

P: Too bad for the cook out there who just can’t get the pumpkin soup right.

M: From a packet, let’s be really clear. There’s no cooking from scratch going on here.

P: So not my role. You’re talking to the man that makes a roast chicken at 11 o’clock at night if he needs to.

M: Okay, maybe you can cook for me then. That’ll work.

P: Sure.

M: All right, so last tip or hint to move forward for our listeners is Google lists. So they’re are surveys online that you and your partner can do to learn a bit more about each other and if nothing else, just a fun little exercise. So if you enjoy spending quality time with each other, then this is the thing to Google and do on a Friday night.

P: It’s like the Cosmo sex quiz.

M: Done. That is it. That is absolutely it. I haven’t done one of those since I was a teenager.

P: Yeah, there’s a reason. [Laugh]

M: Do they still exist?

P: [Laugh] Ok, Thanks for joining us today. If you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast.

M: And remember, you can find us at www.marieskelton.com, a site about how to find balance, happiness and resilience in your life until next time.

P: Choose happiness.

Related content: Listen to our Podcast: Positive Affirmations (E29)

Are you Making These 3 Happiness Mistakes?

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Could you be Subconsciously Hurting Your Happiness Levels With These 3 Happiness Mistakes?

Arguably, everyone wants to be happy. Yet it’s not something we teach in school or around the dinner table. There’s no easy fix and no pill (that’s legal or sustainable anyway). But, don’t fret, there is good news. The relatively new field of positive psychology teaches us that it’s possible to positively affect your own happiness through self-care habits and a positive mindset.

But what if you’re doing all that and you’re still not happy, what if you’re accidentally sabotaging your own happiness? Check out these three happiness mistakes you’re making that could be hurting your happiness levels.

Three Common Happiness Mistakes

1. Comparing Yourself to Others

There’s an idea called social comparison theory that goes something like this: we are all biologically wired to try to understand ourselves and how we fit within the world around us.

How this plays out in real life is that you might feel that others around you are less successful, less accomplished, less pretty or they have fewer friends. On the flip side, you might be thinking everyone around you is prettier, smarter, richer, happier, has more friends, better health or better jobs.

Making comparisons to others is natural and normal, but the problem occurs when you compare up. This can lead to negative feelings, such as envy, poor self-esteem or unhappiness – which is the opposite of what you want to feel if you’re trying to be happier.

In the 21st century, the biggest and easiest trap is comparing your life to others’ lives on social media. A friend’s one moment of happiness can become a trigger for everything that is missing in your life. It’s a trap many of us have fallen into, thinking that others’ perfect-looking Insta lives are an actual representation of their real lives, and then feeling like our lives don’t match up.

The simple lesson here is to stop comparing your life to others. It’s easier said than done, I know, but half the battle is being aware of your behaviour. Remember, you have different values and have made different choices from other people (and that one Facebook moment you’re coveting because you think is perfect probably wasn’t so good anyway!).

A great tip to remember: if you see something on social media that makes you feel ‘less than,’ just stop and think about what matters to you. Then use that as motivation and to provide hope. Set or reaffirm your goals, then get to work on a project or tasks to meet those goals.

2. Spending too Much Time on Social Media

Social media can bring us together. It helps people to feel connected and share in laughs and good times. However, many, many studies, including this recent one, have found that passively scrolling through social media can have negative effects on people. In fact, for this reason, I wrote about how to do a social media detox not too long ago.

The simple truth is that social connection is really important to our happiness levels. This means interacting with people – real people – particularly in a face to face setting. This doesn’t mean mindlessly watching other people’s posts or reading random articles on social media.

You might feel like you’re being social – it’s called ‘social media’ after all – but it’s a lie. Scrolling through social media is something else altogether. In fact, if you’re intending on being social, even text messages and emails won’t cut it.

So, even though it’s more effort to get off the couch at the end of a busy day, make sure you schedule in some time to see and interact with real people – even if it’s at a 1.5m distance. Put down your phone and grab a drink after work, meet someone for coffee in the park, or jump on a video call with friends from out of state. Your happiness levels will thank you for it.

3. Not Prioritising Your Happiness

Another classic happiness mistake many people make is when work or family life gets really busy, they skip a gym session or cancel plans with friends. Yet, a recent study showed that the most resilient people during COVID have been those who practice self-care activities such as meditation, exercise and prayer. These people have weathered the storm and been the most positive and upbeat.

The irony is that we need our resiliency and happiness the most during times of stress, yet we cut out the activities that bring us resiliency and happiness in a misguided attempt to reduce our stress levels. It’s time to stop!

So, when things get busy and you’re stressing out, make sure that you push back on the right things, not the wrong things. Or if you just have to pitch in during a particularly busy time of year, make sure it doesn’t become a habit (a few weeks max!) and that you negotiate for some time off or shorter work weeks following the busy period.

Remember, you get one life on this planet, and it goes quickly… why would you want to be unhappy for it if you could choose otherwise? Take control and stop doing these happiness mistakes today!

Related reading: Why You Need A Social Media Detox Now

Don’t forget to subscribe for our monthly newsletter for more tips, freebies and subscriber-only content!

Buying Into Positive Affirmations (E29)

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Happiness for Cynics

In this week’s episode, Pete tries to convince Marie about the science behind positive affirmations and how they can change your mindset.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker focused on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness, hug lover, shade thrower and sweaty Betty. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low

P: Or if you are only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it.

M: Or maybe you just want more, then this is the place to be.

P: Have you ever tried the power of repetition? Got a song stuck in your head or tried to live your life by a quote or inspiration and then wondered why it didn’t stick?

M: If so, stick with us.

P: Ha ha.

M: Because today’s episode is all about positive affirmations.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: Alright Pete, positive affirmations.

P: This is going to be a fun one, ha ha.

M: Load of BS. Right?

P: [Laughter] I can’t wait to watch your mind unravel Marie, your cynicism and scepticism fall apart like an unmade Pavlova on a hot summer’s day.

M: I just have to say, I’m not doing it.

P: [Laughter] I beg to differ. I think this is one where you’re going to have to step up. You’re going to have to do it. You’re going to do your yoga, you’re going to do some Om-ing and chanting.

M: No, it’s not. It’s not me.

P: [Laugh] Outside the comfort zone Muz.

M: I have at one point put um… I’ve done a Grateful Wall, a Gratefulness Wall, and put things I’m grateful for. But positive affirmations.

P: [Laugh]

M: It’s just a step too far. It is relegated in my mind.

P: Okay, I think I think we need to explore this because as you’re discovering, I sat here and watched it. The science proves it.

M: Yeah…

P: [Laugh] So what are we talking about?

M: But you never really know who has paid for the science.

P: Oh, here we go, here we go.

M: [Laughter]

P: Who was the money behind the research?

M: Mmm Hmm right? It was probably the sugar industry is all I’m saying.

P: [Laughter] Or the pharmaceutical industry.

M: [Laugh]

P: Oh! did I say that, sorry.

M: All right. You tell me, what are we talking about?

P: We’re talking about words. Words are powerful.

M: The irony is that I was a journalist. So I’m down with words.

[Laughter]

P: That’s a fundamental standing point. If we start with that point that words are powerful and our words have an impact on how we interpret and feel and exude and shape ourselves. Can you agree with that?

M: Yes.

P: Yes. Okay, so we agree on that point.

M: I feel like you’re about to trap me.

P: I am about to trap you.

[Laughter]

P: Positive affirmations are used by lots of different people in lots of different ways. The fundamental belief is that if you can say something to yourself, you start believing it.

M: I am a Care Bear. I am a Care Bear. I am a Care Bear.

P: [Laugh] Can we agree on…

M: See I’m not a Care Bear. I don’t even believe it.

P: [Laugh] we’re going to come back to that in a minute. But if we can believe that, that’s what we’re talking about, is the phrases that we have and that we use and that are used by people to reinforce themselves or to make themselves change a habit or to make themselves feel differently about a situation.

M: Okay, I’m also not down with hypnotherapy. Just so you know, and we can do that another time.

P: Oh no, no, no, no, no, this is not hypnotherapy. This is different where we’re going to stay on track.

M: I know. We’ve hit the limit of my sceptic mind. My inflexible mind is just not quite coping with this one.

P: So I’m going to throw a few things that at you, so Dr Carmen Harra, who is a well known author and interpretive psychologist she calls herself. She has a couple of quotes ‘Affirmations do indeed strengthen us by helping us believe in the potential of an action we desire to manifest.’

M: Now the fact that she’s given herself her own title is not reassuring me.

P: Ok, let’s just look at the quote.

M: Ok, say the quote again, say it again.

P: We’re going to say the words. ‘Affirmations do indeed strengthen us by helping us believe in the potential of an action we desire to manifest.’ Can you talk yourself into believing something will happen?

M: I think it can change mindset not, not scenarios or situations.

P: Okay, so it changes mindset, so we can change our…

M: I can’t talk myself into being president of the United States.

P: Ok. True? Yes, but it can change your belief in the potential that you could become a president of the United States, if you so desired.

M: Ok…

P If that was your goal, and you’re using a positive affirmation every morning to keep you on track with that goal.

M: Then I’d just call you an arrogant nitwit.

P: [Laugh] alright, okay. Let’s move on to something else then.

‘In the sequence of thought-speech-action, affirmations play an integral role by breaking patterns of negative thoughts, negative speech, and, in turn, negative actions.’

M: This one I’m on board with, right. If you say a bunch of negative stuff to yourself or either internally and internalise it or actually say it out loud to self and you start sprinkling in positive stuff to balance that out, then absolutely, that changes.

P: So the power of words in positive affirmations can change the way that you interpret information.

M: And perceive the world.

P: We agree on that one?

M: Sure.

P: Great okay, all right, I’m going to throw another at you. This is from Rosslyn Kemerer. Who is a Yoga and Reiki practitioner ‘Speaking in the affirmative is life-changing because in order to speak positively, we must think positively.’

M: Again, I am a Care Bear. I am a Care Bear. I am a Care Bear. [Laugh]

P: Stop focusing on the Care Bear.

[Laughter]

P: We’re going to look at the quote and the words. Speaking in the affirmative is life changing, in order to speak positively we must think positively.

M: So, I do believe there’s correlation here. However, I don’t think that if you’re negative and you are in a negative head space that simply saying positive words is going to get you out of a poor mental state.

P: I actually agree with you on this one Marie.

M: Woo! I like that.

P: [Laugh]

M: I don’t think it can hurt. You may as well try it right. Let’s just throw mud at the wall and see if it sticks.

P: It doesn’t hurt but there’s a fundamental difference here in terms of what I’ve experienced with positive affirmations now being the buyer-inerer, the person that just accepts and runs with everything for years until I’m proven otherwise. I did get into positive affirmations there for a while and was following them and ruling them and so forth and perhaps my more cynical state in the last few years and my more scientific based, evidence based research, I have come up with some, some concepts that you can say as much as you want. Unless there’s a deep seated belief in what it is that you are saying that is part of your conscious and your subconscious, you can say whatever you want in it isn’t going to isn’t going to occur. So you could say, I’m a Care Bear, I’m a Care Bear, I’m a Care Bear.

M: And that is the end of today’s show ladies and gentlemen.

P: [Laugh] No, no, no, no. We’re going to explore this further.

[Laughter]

P: [DR] Sophie Henshaw, who is the person that I read and did some research on. She talks about it in terms of

“If what you are trying to affirm is in-congruent with a deeply held negative belief, then all that results is an inner struggle.”

And she talks about the fact that if you’re putting positive affirmations out there when you’re reciting these tasks, daily, daily, daily, but you have a deep seated belief in your subconscious that doesn’t support that, your subconscious starts to have a battle with your conscious, and you end up in this spiral of inner turmoil because you can’t reconcile the ‘I am a Care Bear’ with the fact that no, I don’t believe in Care Bears.

M: You don’t?

P: I’m using your example here.

[Laughter]

M: Yeah look, I hear what you say. And for me, I think positive affirmations might round out a positive, a positive personality.

P: Yes.

M: But I don’t see them turning a negative into a positive.

P: And you’re absolutely right.

M: And I don’t also see that someone who isn’t a Care Bear is going to become a Care Bear because they believe it, or President or any number of other things.

P: Actually, I’m going to pull you up there, they can believe it. They have to back it up.

M: And then the third group is the ones who believe it. And their reality is so separated, so far gone from reality. Their reality is not tied and they’re the arrogant ones that we’re talking about and we come across a lot of them playing sports.

P: Yep

M: Who believe they’re all that and a team couldn’t survive without them. And lo and behold, they’re the worst thing and the toxic person on the team, and you take him away and the team works better and they’re in this, this… And I’ve come across so many of these people throughout my sports career.

P: Yes.

M: Who… They might be talented, but they think they’re all that, and also in my professional career, who must be telling themselves some kind of positive affirmations or something. Their internal monologue in general is not based in reality at all. And they’re the ones I worry about as well.

P: There’s a disconnect between what they’re exuding to the outside world and what their true beliefs are on the inside. And this comes back to what we’ve talked about a lot with a lot of our episodes, about doing the work, doing the work on the self so that you can go down to your core beliefs, go down to your inner beliefs. And that’s where the subconscious rules. Because the subconscious draws on all those core and inner deeply held beliefs.

I could tell myself I am the world’s most beautiful model, but I know that deep down inside me that’s not congruent with who I am. You know I have, there are issues in there that will eke out and start to have that battle because I’m telling myself I’m this beautiful, beautiful person, that I could be a magazine cover model and deep inside that’s not going to be congruent with who I am or what I am or what I believe. There’s gonna be a lot of turmoil there which…

M: So, if that’s the case, then why do it at all, if what you believe is negative and you’re trying to then make that change?

P: This is where it comes down to the psychology of it and trying to again use positive affirmations that back up the work that you’re doing. So unless you have done the work on belief systems and what you’re trying to achieve, being truly beneficial for you and believing in it, positive affirmations don’t work. They’re just a Band-Aid.

M: So they just work alongside much tougher work.

P: Exactly.

M: There’s a great book that I read called ‘Can’t Hurt Me’ by David Goggins, and it’s a huge book right now. This guy’s a bit crazy, let’s be honest. He is amazingly inspirational. So ex-Navy, Navy, Air Force and Army, did Army Rangers. He was a  SEAL, he’s just crazy, and then and then he went and did the ultra-marathon running with no training, almost no training, exceptional specimen of a human being. But it is tough to do all this stuff, and he talks about positive affirmations. I think you’ve got to be putting in the work and then putting in the work and then talking to yourself in the right way. And I know when you’re exhausted, how easy it is to give up.

P: Yep.

M: Right? And I think the power-

P: The physical capacity is done.

M: – of his mental strength is that he pushes himself harder when it’s the hardest, rather than allowing himself excuses when it’s the hardest.

P: Definitely.

M: And as an ultra-marathon runner. You know that’s 100 miles minimum, I think. You know by mile… who knows what, you’d be thinking ‘Why am I doing this? I don’t need to prove anything.’

P: Yep.

M: You know the internal monologue, my feet are blistered and you start that, and you start that talk to yourself, which is all about giving yourself an excuse.

P: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I actually have an ultra-marathoner who’s a client. This guy sleeps in ditches. He goes on these crazy three day bike rides, and then will literally pull over the side of the highway and fall asleep in a ditch in the freezing cold.  

M: See, I think even, it is actually the definition of sanity to question why you even we’re doing that the first place.

P: But if he, okay so if Dr Bradley I will mention the name if you’re listening, Dr Bradley, I told you it would happen. I’d quote you here. He used, the use of positive affirmations in that instance is when you can tell yourself because you have done it before. So he’s doing these crazy training things to prove to himself that he can actually achieve these goals so that when he is faced with a run in South America doing a 100 kilometre marathon and if he is feeling that pain or that excuse to give up, in that instance positive affirmations could work because he’s referencing deeply held beliefs that he can actually do this. He’s existed in it before he slept in a ditch. He’s done this in the Australian outback, so why can’t I do it in the South American wilderness?

And in that way, you can train your brain to access those extra reserves of physical capacity via the use of positive affirmations and self-talk.

M: Absolutely so David Goggins ideas that we’re only using, it’s been years since I read the book, about 20% [40%] of our physical ability ever at any point and he thinks he’s gotten nowhere near 100[%]. But many would argue past 100. I don’t know if what he’s done is actually healthy a lot of the time.

P: [Laugh]

M: But I definitely think that when your mind is telling you to stop, you can definitely counter that by saying, actually no, I can do this. I know I can do this.

P: Yes, and it doesn’t even…

M: …that positive and balancing your negative self-talk with the positive. Where I struggle with positive affirmations as a cynic and a sceptic is with the very average looking young lady who wants to be a model, and she’s telling herself, I’m going to be a model, I’m going to be a model, I’m going to be a model, I’m going to be a model or the person who cannot, for whatever reason, put the sugar or the carbs away.

P: Yeah, definitely.

M: But is saying I’m going to be thin, I’m going to be thin, I’m going to be thin, right? Or I just don’t think that saying the words without doing the work can make any difference.

P: And science supports you. And even as a user of positive affirmations and the biggest jump on the bandwagon kind of guy, I support you as well. I believe that that’s the fundamental truth is that you can’t just will yourself into a state of being or a result by using positive affirmations. They have to come from somewhere deeper, based within in the subconscious, and that only comes from doing the hard work.

M: Now, sigh.

P: [Laugh]

M: After saying all of that, sharing my scepticism and with only a few minutes left in the show. I’m going to say that I did do some research.

P: Off we go, I’ve got some science here too actually.

M: And as much as it pains me to say-

P: Ha, ha!

M: -there is research that supports the effectiveness off positive affirmations. So MRI evidence suggests that certain neural pathways are increased when people practise self-affirmation tasks. I imagine that you’d have to do this without my scepticism, and cynicism.

P: [Laugh] not necessarily.

M: You’d probably have to put a little bit of belief and heart into what you’re doing and then as far as more research goes so self-affirmations have been shown to decrease health, deteriorating stress, so they help with negative stress. They’ve also been used effectively, and this is what we’re talking about before they’ve been used effectively in interventions that led people to increase their physical behaviour.

P: So that’s the cutting off the negative to increase the positive to create a desired result.

M: Yep, so if you are training for a marathon or just working out the gym or just hoping to get fit, then positive affirmations can definitely help to boost the effectiveness of the intervention you’re already taking.

P: Yep

M: They can make us less likely to dismiss harmful health messages. So this in particular was looked at in relation to smoking and trying to quit smoking. They can help with your intention to change for the better and also to eat more fruit and vegetables.

P: Really? I will eat bananas, I will eat bananas.

M: [Laugh] so that was Epton and Harris in 2008 who looked at fruit and vegetables and then Harris and some other researchers in 2007 looked at harmful health messages. And then the last one I looked at it’s been linked to positive academic achievement by mitigating GPA decline in students who felt left out at college.

P: Oh, really.

M: So this is, we’ve talked about social exclusion before. So students who were feeling excluded and not part of the group, generally they’re GPA declines. It has a real negative impact being excluded. We’ve talked about that so positive affirmations help them to keep their GPA consistent or increase it again.

P: Hhmm interesting.

M: And that was Layous in 2017.

P: I like all those examples. I’m going to throw something a little bit left field in here and trying to compute that GPA output with the social exclusion. That’s a very interesting…

M: Well, we do know that if you’re feeling left out, it can have huge impacts on your mental health, so.

P: The type of, type of person does for some it actually garners your resources and that makes you even more determined in a certain way. I think that comes down to personality.

M: I think you’ve still got to have someone. So if you’re at university and you have no friends I think there’s very few people that are not going to be impacted by that, and it depends on the level of exclusion. If you’re being bullied, that’s a whole other kettle of fish, right?

P: Yeah. Yeah. I’m thinking of the Sheldon’s in the world.

M: [Laugh] Who don’t notice and that’s why they keep going.

[Laughter]

P: Alright, I do know we’re running out of time, but I do want to throw this in there that some people have a different interpretation of the affirmations versus mantras.

I’m actually going to reference the work of the Gabriel Axel here, who’s a neuroscientist and a certified yoga teacher. He has written a lot on the use of mantra in terms of trying to develop a mind state, but also looked at the science behind it, using words like ‘Om’ and even ‘Amen’ in religious beliefs, he’s actually gone and done the science behind what the words do in the brain and he finds that sound evokes movements of energy within the brain. Evocations of certain sounds are linked with interoception… which is inner body sensations and in the emotional sense of self. Now these have found predominantly in the right hemisphere of the brain. Conversely, the narrative strand of sounds in which we give meaning is done in the left hemisphere of the brain.

M: Say that again.

P: The narrative strand of sounds in which we process meaning. So the way that we feel about sounds that come through our brain is done in the Left Hemisphere.

M: Okay, and sorry, what was the right?

P: The right is the inner body sensations, so that’s interoception.

M: Okay, sensations versus feelings.

P: Yes, what he’s talking about is bridging those two hemi-spheres by the use of mantras, and he says mantras from a physics standpoint, the sounds themselves will resonate in different parts of the body and mind creating actual interactions or events so therefore you can get sounds to cross the hemispheres of the brain to actually create different thought processes. So this is the science behind mantras and not necessarily affirmations. And he talks about validating a mantra for ourselves so we’ll be using the words such as ‘Om’ in a yoga practise, you can actually ‘Om’ your way out of a negative thought pattern.

M: Mm Hhmm…

P: It’s scientific. [Laugh]

M: Mm Hhmm…

P: You can look it up. He has supporting evidence from Mark Changizi who’s written a book ‘Harnessed: How Language and Music Mimicked Nature and Transformed Ape to Man’. So these are all interesting things will put on the website to maybe follow up.

M: Alright…

P: But you know, that’s just another aspect to come at it from in terms of the neuro scientific point of view.

M: All right, well, if the cynic me decides that I’m going to buy into this, I might read your book otherwise,

P: [Laugh]

M: it can be in our show notes.

P: [Laugh]

M: All right. I think we are going to have to finish this up for today.

P: So if you want to go out there and do some positive affirmations people, that’s all fine. But do the work behind it as well. I think that’s what we get from this.

M: Go do some work and throw in, layer in. It’s the icing on the cake. I guess is what I’m saying.

P: Yeah exactly.

M: It isn’t the cake.

P: No, you can’t rely on it alone. It has to be an add on.

M: Yep, all right, well thank you for joining us. As always, if you can like or subscribe to our podcast, we would very much appreciate it. And if you want to see our show notes or transcriptions you can visit marieskelton.com/podcast. Thanks for joining us.

P: Choose happiness.

[Happy Exit Music]

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5 Ways to Overcome the COVID Blues

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Sick of the COVID Uncertainty and Emotional Roller-Coaster?

Since COVID, nothing is certain, and it’s thrown a lot of us through a loop. For some of us, our emotions are all over the place, up some days and really low the next. For others, we’re just sick of it all and we’re just not feeling like being happy right now. Others are feeling sad, or even angry.

These mood changes are completely normal reactions to change. But you might be wondering why some people seem to be unaffected by all this uncertainty and change.

A lot of the time, those people who are thriving through COVID are the resilient ones, and resiliency is all about habits. It’s about setting up good habits when things are going well, so they maintain your physical and mental health (your resilience) for when things are going bad.

I’m sure I can hear you thinking, “well that’s all well and good, but what if things are crappy now but I never quite got around to setting up habits before?”

The good news is that although you might be feeling low now (or just going through a roller coaster of COVID emotions), there’s never a wrong time to start some good health habits — habits that can help you overcome the COVID blues.

These proven habits are all science-backed and will have a positive impact on your overall mood. Over time, these also help build resiliency, so you’re better equipped to cope with the uncertainty that goes with this new post-COVID world or anything else that 2020 decides to throw our way.

Here Are 5 Ways to Overcome the COVID Blues

You don’t have to practice all of these, just picking a couple that you can work on making into habits in your daily or weekly schedule will give you a huge boost.

1. Start a new hobby or develop a passion

Look for something to get deeply involved in or an activity for you to accomplish over time. Psychologist Mihaly Csíkszentmihályi’s research shows that people who experience a state of flow not only enjoy performing the task more, but they also have increased productivity and satisfaction, and reduced stress while increasing the quality of the output. And now that you’re all grown up, you don’t have to stick with anything if you don’t like it. So, try a social soccer league or learn the piano and the banjo at the same time. Or take a pottery or painting class or learn how to code. And throw them all out if they don’t spark that passion and try something else!

2. Sleep

Sleep and mood are so closely intertwined. We all know that when we get a bad night’s sleep, we can be grumpy the next day. But regularly get sub-optimal sleep also chips away at mood and resilience. So whether you are regularly getting less than 8 hours of sleep, or you go to bed and wake up at different times every night, the impacts are all adding up. The science is clear: the effects of regular, consistent good sleep are hugely beneficial to our happiness and well-being. If you want to focus on your sleep habits, a great app to try is the Sleep Cycle app. Sleep Cycle tracks and analyses your sleep phases, waking you up at the optimal time to help you feel well-rested and ready to tackle the day. It also provides some great insight into how you’re sleeping so you can make improvements.

3. Exercise

Getting just 20 minutes of exercise in your day can boost your mood, and it doesn’t have to be a gruelling marathon run or embarrassing gym class rope climb that leaves you feeling useless. Yes, you can actually enjoy doing exercise! Grab a loved one or put on headphones and call a friend while you do a brisk walk around the neighbourhood. You get brownie points for getting a bit of sun while you’re out too.

4. Offer to help someone else

Performing acts of kindness releases the feel-good chemicals (oxytocin and serotonin), leading to increased happiness, energy, pleasure and creativity. Studies have even shown that being kind increases your lifespan. So reach out to an organisation that you believe in or with which you might have a good skill match and spend some time giving back.

5. Start a gratitude journal

UC Berkeley’s Summer Allen writes that grateful people are happier, more satisfied, less materialistic and have better mental and physical health.  And it doesn’t have to be hard. One study showed that participants who kept a gratitude journal weekly for 10 weeks or daily for two weeks experienced more positive moods, optimism about the future, and better sleep.

Share your tips below for how you overcome the COVID blues!

Related reading: Practicing Gratitude: Why and How You Should do it