Unapologetically Marie

Writer, podcaster, mental health advocate

Happiness Blog

So Long 2020 (E48)

by

Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week Marie and Pete say so long to 2020 – From the crappiness of the year to how positive psychology interventions changed it. 

Transcript

M: You’re listening to podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness, a Flagrant Interpretative Dance Enthusiast, a Storyteller of Movement and Hygge Loving Frozen Fan. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re ready to say F[Beep] off to 2020.

P: [Gasp] Marie, you can’t say that, [Laugh!]

M: Then this is the place to be!

P: [Laugh!] And to take us one step further on our happiness journey, today’s episode is all about the year that was 2020.

[Happy Intro Music]

P: So are we telling 2020 to Beep off?

M: Well, here’s the thing. I think it really depends on how much control you’ve had over your emotions and your happiness levels this year.

P: I think 2020 has been the year of testing.

M: Absolutely. And, oh I can’t say this without feeling this horrible feeling of umm… arrogance.

P: Oh.

M: But 2020 tested me, and I feel like a passed.

P: Well done, well done, you get a gold star.

M: I really do.

P: He, he.

M: So three years ago, I have a really bad accident overseas. I came off a motorbike and tumble down a mountain, and I nearly died, and it really kick started me on this journey of self-discovery and really questioning what was important in life. And then 2020 happened and we launched our podcast in the middle of a global Pandemic.

P: At the beginning really. Wasn’t it? It was kind of right at the start of it.

M: Absolutely. Well, we were recording from November [2019] through till March [2020] and then launched on the 20 of March.

P: Yeah, we did.

M: Which was International Happiness Day.

P: It was, yes.

M: And that was really when –

P: Everyone was in lockdown. [Laugh]

M: Shit went…

P: South. [Laugh]

M: Shit hit the fan, lets be really honest.

P: Yes, very true.

M: 2020 just went downhill from there.

P: It’s given us a bit of a kick in the pants, hasn’t it?

M: Absolutely. And so all of these positive psychology research that we’ve been doing and behavioural psychology.

P: And training, behavioural training.

M: All that stuff that we’ve been preaching this whole year, we’ve really had to put to the test in our own lives haven’t we?

P: Yes, I agree completely. We’ve had to sort of look back on it. So we’re looking back on it in this final podcast for 2020, before we go on a very short break. What have we done in 2020? How good have we been with our positive psychology? And what have we found? What have we discovered?

M: You’re a really good gardener.

P: [Laugh!] My herb garden is fabulous.

M: [Laugh!]

P: Even through the 40 degree [Celsius] (104 Fahrenheit) weekend last weekend, it still bounced back, thank goodness. [Laugh]

M: My garden died.

P: [Laugh!]

M: Withered and died. Thank you Australian summer.

P: But you have Birds?

M: Yeah, I do.

P: In your bird feeder.

M: I go buy bird food and feed them.

P: [Laughter!]

M: And they come to my garden. Yes, it is true.

P: Oh, that is so country.

[Laughter]

P: Right, so how have we gone this year?

M: Let’s score this. So I on a scale of one to ten how has your year been from a happiness level?

P: On a happiness level, I would actually have to say that, oddly enough, through doing the podcast and through looking at all the information that we’ve been disseminating and preaching and researching.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Because, as you know, one of the best ways to become a better… to put in a sports reference, the best way to become a better player is to become a coach.

M: Yes.

P: So to actually espousing and talking about happiness and telling people “well, you should do this!” You’ve got to look at your own [situation] and go ‘oh, I should do that too.’

[Laughter]

P: So I would say 2020 has actually been a very positive year for me.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: I’m getting a sense of this a lot through my clients as well. 2020 has allowed us to all go back to the drawing board and define what is truly valuable to us.

M: What’s meaningful in life.

P: Very much. It’s definitely one of those moments, I think. We’ve all been pushed to the limits a little bit with our patience, with our understanding with our compassion with our fear, our security, our understanding.

M: Our uncertainty.

P: Yeah, all that sort of stuff and in those moments, That is when you go back to your root values and your core values and go, ‘Ok, well what’s truly important to me? Is it important that I make that deadline with work? Or is it important that I talk to my husband every night and have a nice conversation and ensure a good meal?

M: And ensure a good meal? How very 1950’s of you.

P: Aaacchh.

M: [Laugh!]

P: I’m a domestic housewife waiting to happen I swear.

[Laughter]

P: Give me a millionaire and I will have your drink and your slippers ready for you when you walk in the door. I’ll have dinner and I will massage you. I’m a domestic goddess waiting to happen. I’m so good for it. [Laugh]

M: You are. But would that provide you with meaning and purpose in your life? Because that is the larger question.

P: Oddly enough, I think there is a certain… Yes, I actually could answer yes to that there would be a certain joy there would be a certain fulfilment in being that role.

M: I think that is the dichotomy of feminism. That a lot of women do enjoy looking after other people and caring for other people. Anyway, so I think that there, that is a dichotomy of feminism, that the issue that feminism has raised with so many women is that they want to be strong and independent, have choice and they want to choose to look after their husbands sometimes to look after kids and raise kids and do a good job raising Children and I think it’s taken us a while to get over that fight, to have equality in the workplace and all the rest of it.

But some people get real purpose and meaning in their lives.

P: Absolutely.

M: From looking after others and from mentoring and coaching and raising good children.

P: Well, this comes from, it comes down to mindfulness. It’s the immediacy of the response of the action. So, if my partner walks in the door, and I have prepared a beautiful meal and the table is set. There’s a glass of wine waiting for him as he walks in the door. Then I’m taking care of him. But I’m also nurturing the space, and I’m nurturing our relationship. I’m nurturing myself within that. I’m pretty proud of that. And that’s, that’s a meaning that’s a purple -purpose. Purplefulness? That’s not a word? [Laugh]

M: Purplefulness.

P: [Laugh] Purposefulness? I’m trying to I don’t know… I’m digging here.

M: That’s purposeful?

P: Yeah, I’ll go there. That’ll do.

M: I forget what we were talking about.

P: [Laugh]

M: It gives you purpose and meaning in your life.

P: Yes.

M: Look, and I think again, back to your point with the mindfulness, it is just about knowing yourself well enough to know that cooking brings you pleasure. Now, the second you’re cooking.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: Day in, day out and it becomes a chore and a job, you might need a break from that. To rediscover your joy from cooking.

P: Remove it for a while.

M: And your mindfulness and your self-awareness and self-reflection will help you to rediscover that. But very, very quickly things can become monotonous, boring.

P: Day to day, daily chores, yeah.

M: Yeah.

P: Where you just want to go and order Thai takeout.

M: [Whispers] What’s wrong with that?

P: [Laugh] Well we all have those days. So if we take that to a larger context.

M: We have a lot of those days…

P: [Laugh] But if we take that into the wider context, there are the daily activities that we, the daily grind that we have to get through.

M: Yep.

P: Part of what we talk about here on the podcast, in terms of mindfulness and all that positive psychology around being present, understanding your Ikigai, all that sort of stuff that we have referenced over the last year. If you can come to a point where that becomes special and you can identify those moments, there’s an amazing amount of joy that comes with that. So, when I’m standing in the kitchen with my kitchen knives, which I recently lost, and I will get them back [laugh], but that brings joy and being able to go ‘I’m cooking for myself, and I cooked a really give meal’ that’s a joyful experience and it makes you feel nurtured and good about yourself, and that leads to good happiness.

M: So I think the lesson for me has been that this podcast, blog and my site has really made sure that I focused on being mindful.

P: Mmm.

M: About the good things and the things that I enjoy doing.

P: Yep.

M: And that I have kept my happiness in the back of my mind all year.

P: Mmm.

M: And it has helped me to ensure that I’m prioritising and practising positive psychology activities.

P: Oh, I can’t agree more with that.

M: That have helped me to weather 2020 in a way that I feel guilty about, almost. I feel that-

P: -Because you’ve succeeded?

M: Yes, so many people have struggled in 2020.

P: Oh, yes. Yes.

M: And I feel, I feel bad that I haven’t.

P: I think the interesting thing for me is every week Marie and I try to get together and we do our little recordings. And every now and then we might not have a week where we do it and we’ll have to catch up. For me it’s the regularity of catching up with you and talking about this stuff. It filters into my daily life. It filters into my actions. So when you’re sitting there and saying “Oh, yes. Everybody go out and keep a gratitude wall.”

‘Oh hang on, where’s my gratitude wall? do I have one? I don’t really have one, maybe I should go and put one up!’

M: Yes.

P: So it makes you more aware and it brings that idea of doing the regular activities into my consciousness.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: So our commitment to meeting up every week, even when you were in Tamworth and I was in Sydney.

M: And your internet was shit.

P: Oh yeah, my internet is crap.

M: I apologise to everyone for the horrible sound, it was all Pete’s fault, just so we’re clear.

P: [Laugh] [Whispers] It was Marie’s fault.

M: [Laugh]

P: But getting back to the point.

M: What were we talking about?

P: [Laugh] Commitment of the regular interaction and the regular investment of, let’s say, 50 minutes every week about us talking about happiness and all that it entails, and all the little tasks that you have to do it filters into your awareness. And that’s enough to actually create a good response and a happier existence.

M: And I think that was the whole premise of our book, right?

P: Yes.

M: So if you’re not going to church, listen to our podcast, meet up with a friend and talk about this stuff.

P: Make it regular.

M: Journal, blog, whatever it is that makes it a regular occurrence in your life. Again, I feel guilty and I feel arrogant for saying this, but I think that it is 100% the reason why I’ve weathered a global pandemic, a move to Tamworth, separation from my friends, a job change all of that stuff like it was just another day.

P: He, he. It didn’t impact you as much as maybe it would have, maybe three years ago?

M: Absolutely. Before the accident, I was living in the rat race. I was succeeding by all external measures.

P: All the external measures of what you were measuring success by.

M: But I was definitely not living my best life.

P: Mmm.

M: Success and happiness are two very different things.

P: Very much. And I also want a reference one of the emails that we received from a listener who wrote into us saying she was completely effusive in her praise, which is always so lovely to hear. But the most warming thing was that she said that she wanted to do something similar.

M: Yes.

P: So she was going to commit to her own podcast or her own publishing of information around happiness. And that, I think is possibly one of the biggest wins you get.

M: Yes, that is why we’re here!

P: Yes and it makes a difference when you reach one person. And it’s the pass on effect, that one person goes out and then passes it on to 100 other people.

M: Yep.

P: So that filtering through creates a web, it creates an interconnectedness in exactly the same way that Covid reacts!

M: Oh! It’s viral, viral!

P: Viral! But we could do the same thing with happiness.

M: [Laugh]

P: We can actually create those good feelings, one person goes out and reaches 10 other people and those 10 other people go out and reach another 10 people, which becomes 100. And I really do believe that happiness works in that way. And all the good things that we’ve talked about in terms of being generous and gratitude and understanding and passion. I think it really infiltrates into other people in your lives. Not just yourself.

M: I think so too. I’ve brought my sister along on this journey.

P: Oh, the gorgeous Lealea. She has, her love language is touch, I love it.

M: [Laugh]

P: “I just need to hug you because my love language is touch too! Yay!”

M: [Laugh] It’s so funny because the amount people who have come up to me and they’re like, “I need to meet Pete, my love language is touch too.”

P: [Laugh!]

M: But love language has been a really popular episode.

P: Oh, really?

M: Yeah.

P: [Laugh] Considering I didn’t really know what love languages were before we did it.

[Laughter]

P: And that, in itself is a good one. It’s one of the benefits for me from doing this podcast. I’ve learned a lot of the terminology and the science behind stuff, and I’ve actually-

M: -You sound quite proud.

P: Yes. Oh stop it, I know you’re going to get proud about this.

M: I’m an ex-journo, I’m like ‘where’s that quote?’

P: [Laugh]

M: ‘Give me the quote and the proof.’ See, I went into journalism with this ideology that it was this beautiful profession, where you serve the people and you report the truth.

P: [Laugh]

M: And then I came out to the real world and there’s things like the daily Mail.

P: Channel Nine.

M: Breitbart.

P: [Laugh]

M: Let’s be really honest, all of the craziness that’s going on in the world and I had believed in unbiased journalism.

P: [Laugh]

M: And so, when we came to this podcast, it was about ‘show me the proof? Show me that this stuff is real?’

P: Yep.

M: And not only have I found so much research in this area. But, my own personal experience just tells me that this stuff is real. It is, it is my church.

P: Mmm.

M: It has become my faith and something that I believe so wholeheartedly in. And I don’t want to come across to others as someone who is preaching or someone who is arrogant in their beliefs and believes that everyone else should [believe them].

P: Yeah.

M: But I’m so torn. Because it has had such a positive impact in my life and influence in my life, on my marriage, on my friends on my family that I just wish I could bring everyone along with me. I feel like I am that cult leader –

P: [Laugh]

M: – about to tell everyone to drink the Kool-Aid.

P: [Laugh]

M: I feel crazy, but it has had that strong an impact on my life and I just want to share that with others.

P: When you’re getting the positive reinforcement from something naturally you do want to share it and you get passionate about it and you want to take people on the same journey. And I will share a personal story here of my adopted grandma, my adopted Nan, Nan McSweeney. She was 102 to when she died. She was the last living person to have met Mother Mary MacKillop. So when the beatification of Mother Mary MacKillop was happening, she was interviewed.

M: And for our non-Australian listeners, who is Mother Mary MacKillop?

P: Mother Mary MacKillop was an Australian nun who was working in Melbourne primarily, but also worked around the coastal regions of the East Coast. She was beatified in 1998?

M: 99?

[Mother Mary MacKillop was beatified in 1995]

P: She was made a saint. She is the Australian saint and that was done by the Catholic Church and my adopted Nan, Nan McSweeney, she was interviewed for that beatification and involved in that process of giving the evidence towards her being declared a Saint at the Church.

M: Sainthood.

P: Yeah. The point of the storey is that Nan was always so secure in her faith and she would stand there and wave you off with a handkerchief when you left for the evening and all these lovely old world qualities.

M: My Nana still does that.

P: It’s such a beautiful thing.

M: She’ll stand in the drive way and wave ‘til she can’t see you anymore.

P: Yeah. It’s like watching the plane take off. My dad would never leave when they would board he would watch the plane go.

M: We’re so fickle, aren’t we?

P: [Laugh]

M: Gen X, Y, Millenials.

P: [Laugh]

M: Well, anyway. So continue.

P: Well… The idea is that faith and believing in something, it means that you want to share it now. Now Nan never pushed her beliefs upon me, but I always felt included. So when she would come up and give me the blessing of the cross in holy water on my forehead, it was never religious. It was just Nan being who she was and it was an expression of love for her. And I, I think that with all this stuff that we do the happiness podcast and we are very exuberant about people coming on this journey with us. It is, ‘I’ve got this great deal you’ve got to buy in come on, come on, come on.’ It’s the carny thing!

[Laughter]

P: It’s getting into my ancestral roots. My father was a carny.

M: Sorry, I have to share.

P: [Laugh]

M: Pete is a descendant of carny’s.

P: My whole family. [Laugh]

M: I don’t know how I missed this? My entire life! I feel like there’s this major revelation that has just come forth.

P: [Laughter]

M: Alright, so 2020. Let’s circle all the way back, you can bring yourself back.

P: ‘Come back, come back.’ [Laugh]

M: Is it that.. oh I’ve got Titanic flashbacks going on right now. Anyway, [whispers] “Don’t go Jack.”

P: [Laugh] [whispers] “Don’t leave me.”

M: So we are almost at time and I started this episode by asking you on a scale of 1 to 10. What do you think your happiness levels of been in 2020?

P: I would say that… My instant reaction is like 8, 9,10. That’s my instant reaction of 2020 which again, I’m with you, I feel guilty for saying that. 2020 has been a challenge but I’ve done really well, I’m coming out of it going ‘Yay, I’ve managed it.’

M: Pick a number?

P: I’m going to go with nine. Yeah, going with nine. And that’s a great thing. And I think that it is because when shit happens, you can express it and you could be cranky. And you can throw screwdrivers down the hallway whilst your face down in a puddle of water because your washing machine has stuffed up!

M: You’ve got real issues with washing machines…

P: I have issues with technology.

M: Again, another time.

P: Yeah, yeah. But on the flip side of that, you can turn it around instantly and go right ‘what’s important going bang, bang, bang, bang.’ I’m clicking again, I do that when I’m excited.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: And because of the work that we do here and because of the items and the factors that we highlight. It comes back to mindfulness, it comes back to passion, it comes back to what is relative. This has been an education.

M: Yep. So we are over time, yet again.

P: [Laugh] We always do.

M: We say this every time.

P: [Laugh]

M: I would say from 1 to 10, my happiness levels have been a ten this year.

P: Wow! Straight 10. Well done.

M: Yep, I’ve never had such a fulfilling, satisfying, happy year.

P: I think I’m going to cry.

M: Aww.

As I have this year. And it was in the middle of a global pandemic and a whole lot of change and turmoil, uncertainty, volatility. All of that’s been going on and I have been able to cope and to feel the negative impacts of that and to resolve myself to move forward with all of that and do it with a level of, dare I say, grace that I never had before-

P: Interesting.

M: – and I can only credit that to all the conversations we’ve had, the research I’ve been doing in the blogging, all of that which, blogging is pretty much in other way saying journaling.

P: It is, definitely and it’s a commitment.

M: Absolutely.

P: It’s hard to go sometimes.

M: Every single week.

P: It’s really hard to sit down and write another Blog every week.

M: Yep.

P: But when do it. You come up with this good stuff.

M: Absolutely and it’s the self-reflection and it has it has changed my life.

P: And that is the best advertisement that we could possibly finish this on. This stuff is real people, buy in!

[Laughter]

P: It’s so good!

M: For everyone out there, I wish you a joyous and happy holidays and New Year. And I have to say if 2020 has been bad year for you. It can only go up from here.

P: It can, and we’ll go up together.

M: Absolutely.

P: [Laugh]

M: Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukkah (if we haven’t missed it) and have a happy New Year to everyone.

P: Absolutely.

M: And we’ll see you in 2021.

P: Thank you all for coming on this lovely journey with us, we really appreciate it.

M: All right. Well, thank you for joining us specifically today. If you do want to hear more, please remember to subscribe and like this podcast. And remember, you can find us at www.marieskelton.com.

P: And Please let us know if we are fabulous, because we are-

M: [Laugh]

P: – by leaving us a review.

M: Yes we would be grateful to know that more than my sister listens to this podcast.

P: [Laugh] Until next time.

M: Choose happiness.

[Happy Exit Music]

P: Yay!

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article The Change Storm, listen to our Podcast Self-Care is Church for Non-Believers Pt 2 (E38)

10 Random Act Of Kindness Ideas for the Holidays

by

Random act of kindness ideas

10 simple random act of kindness ideas to bring some extra joy to the world

There’s no doubt about it – 2020 has been hard. 

With COVID-19 lockdowns, travel restrictions, and bans, it seems like the fun was sucked out of the world in an instant. In some cities, it’s even hard to travel across town to grab a coffee with friends!

I think we can all agree we need to spread a little love right now (instead of the virus). So, I’ve collected some of my favourite random act of kindness ideas, so this holiday season you can bring happiness to the people in your life – while giving yourself a little mental health booster, too.

Read on!

Idea #1: Give someone an unexpected compliment

“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  — Mark Twain

I couldn’t have said it better myself. The benefits of giving a compliment go both ways – giving and receiving! The National Institute for Physiological Sciences says receiving a compliment can produce the same effect in your brain as receiving money.

Think overwhelming happiness, gratitude, excitement, and unconditional love!

It’s good for the soul and builds trust and confidence in the receiver. It’s a win-win situation – so next time a positive thought comes to mind about a friend, coworker, family member, or even a stranger on the street, reach out and let them know!

Idea #2: Let someone cut in front of you in line

We can all be a little selfish sometimes. Whether we’re sitting in traffic or waiting in line at the shops, we can be quick to lose our tempers and put ourselves first, no questions asked.

Sometimes, a random act of kindness can be as simple as letting someone cut in front of you in line at the movies, the shops, the bar – anywhere.

The receiver will feel a sudden sense of gratitude – who knows, you might even make their day, or help them get where they’re going much faster. Meanwhile, you can enjoy the endorphins that come from a simple act of kindness (a natural pain killer – goodbye, headaches.)

Idea #3: Pay for someone else’s lunch or coffee

In the same vein as idea #2, footing the bill for a friend, family member, coworker, or even a stranger’s lunch can be incredibly rewarding. 

You never know what someone else is going through. The stranger waiting in line behind you might only be able to afford a bran muffin, or a coffee… no milk, no sugar. If you’re feeling generous, consider footing the bill for the person behind you.

You might make their day, or even trigger a “pay it forward” chain reaction and leave a trail of kindness behind you.

Idea #4: Sit down and have a chat with someone experiencing homelessness 

According to recent statistics, 50 out of every 10,000 Australians are sleeping rough on the streets. The last time a global homelessness survey was attempted by the United Nations, around 100 million people were homeless worldwide. 

As many as 1.6 billion people lacked adequate housing. This was 2005 – there’s no knowing the true numbers now. 

We all get caught up in our own lives. We also get distracted by the hustle and bustle of everyday life, running to-and-fro to get things done. Sometimes, unfortunately, this can make us forget or avoid people experiencing homelessness in the streets.

“I don’t think people do it on purpose – it could be that they don’t know what to say; it could be that we are desensitised,” Major Bruce Harmer of Sydney’s Salvation Army said.

“People who find themselves on the street need our love, our care and attention. I’ve heard people say, ‘If it wasn’t for that person saying good morning to me today, it was going to be my last day’.”

A small act of kindness can be as simple as getting down on their level, saying hello, and having a decent conversation with them. Standing over someone sleeping rough can be condescending, even daunting – sit down and open up a dialogue with this person.

It could make their day – and before asking if they’d like some food, make sure it’s what they want, or what they’re comfortable with. They may not react well to charity.

Idea #5: Pay for a parking ticket and leave it in the machine for the next person

Paying for parking can be such a chore – especially in big cities where the parking prices are sky high. If you’re looking for a fun and simple random act of kindness idea, pay for a parking ticket and leave it in the machine for the next person.

An all day ticket is even better. The receiver will be stoked to have free parking, even for a day. It could be $10, $20, even $30 saved for more exciting things.

Idea #6: Donate gifts to a local charity for kids in need 

Your local charity is always looking for donations – clothes, homewares, shoes, and of course, gifts for the holiday season. The great part about this activity is that decluttering is good for the soul too!

Alternatively, you could reach into your pockets this holiday season and fill up a “Santa Sack” with lots of toys, fun activities, and “one size fits all” clothing items for kids, like fun hats and costumes. You’ll bring joy to children. 

You don’t have to spend a fortune on gifts, either. Just look for fun, cost effective toys for kids – even classics like a barrel of monkeys, or a board game like “Guess Who” or Scrabble. Alternatively, dig through your belongings and look for fun toys and activities you don’t need anymore.

Idea #7: Show your gratitude to a teacher or role model by giving them a gift

Gratitude has a number of social and health benefits. Robert Emmonds, a renowned gratitude researcher, has conducted multiple studies on the topic of gratitude and found grateful people are happier and have reduced levels of depression. 

Plus, gratitude can improve your sleep, reduce the number of doctor’s appointments and illnesses, and reduce your aggression levels, making you an easier person to befriend and be around. 

If you’re looking for ways to express your gratitude, consider making or purchasing a gift for a friend, teacher, tutor, or role model. You will feel accomplished and kind, while sharing the good feelings with the receiver of your gift. 

Gift away – and watch the health benefits roll in.

For more on practicing gratitude, read: Practicing Gratitude: Why and How You Should do it

Idea #8: Offer to help the elderly to carry their groceries 

Volunteering to help someone in need can be extremely rewarding. In fact, volunteering time and helping others has been scientifically proven to increase your own wellbeing, as well as the person you’re helping. It can help combat depression, increase confidence, and create a stronger sense of self and purpose!

You don’t have to volunteer heaps of time to experience the benefits of volunteering, though. It can be as simple as helping an older member of the community to carry their groceries to their car, or help them onto the bus. 

It takes two seconds to lend a hand. Next time you see an elderly person struggling with their shopping bags, consider asking them if they need assistance. You’d be surprised how easily you can make another person’s day.

Idea #9: Reach out to friends and family members who seem a little down

Depression doesn’t discriminate. Men and women, teens and children, rich and the poor – depression and mental illness can impact anyone in our community. 

Unfortunately, it’s also very common for people to hide their depression and put on a brave face – this is called “concealed depression”, but the symptoms are there – a lack of sleep or appetite, no interest in hobbies or activities, and going out of their way to convince everyone they’re “feeling fine”. 

“Concealed depression is sometimes called ‘smiling depression’ because the sufferer seems fine,” Sally Winston, PsyD, a member of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, said. 

“They go about their lives fulfilling their responsibilities, interacting apparently normally, and do not complain or share with others how they are feeling. They may be so used to being silently depressed that it is just experienced as ‘this is just the way I am; I am just a loser’ or ‘this is the way life is’ rather than ‘I am depressed.'”

If you have a feeling one of your friends or family members might be struggling, a simple act of kindness could be to reach out and offer to take them out for a coffee or a walk in the park for some fresh air. Give them the chance to share their thoughts and feelings, and encourage them to get the help they need to recover.

Be someone’s rock for a day, and make sure to follow up on their feelings and progress as time goes on.

Idea #10: Donate time, flowers & nick-knacks to a nursing home

This might be less of a random act of kindness idea, but a simple and rewarding activity nonetheless. According to a study by the Corporation for National and Community Service, Americans over the age of 60 who volunteer have higher levels of well-being compared to those who did not volunteer. 

Nursing homes are always looking for volunteers to spend time with the residents. Consider volunteering at your local nursing home – host bingo and art lessons, baking sessions, or set up an in-home cinema. Alternatively, donate a stack of flowers and bouquets to bring nature to the resident’s rooms, or surprise them with gifts.

These little acts of kindness can help reduce age-related depression and loneliness, while you bridge the gap between generations, learn new things, and improve your own mental health.

Have you tried any of my random act of kindness ideas? Let me know in the comments – or sign up to my email newsletter for new ideas!

How to Have a Happy Covid Christmas (E47)

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This week Marie and Pete discuss how to make the most of a socially isolated Christmas with great ideas for a Happy Holiday. 

Happiness for Cynics podcast

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness a spreadsheet devotee, injury preventee and team-sport celebratory. That kind of worked. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling the pinch…

P: Of the yuletide Grinch…

M: Or maybe you just need some extra added Christmas fix…

P: Then this is the place to be!

M: And to take us one step further on our happiness journey –

P: [Laugh]

M: – not that Pete needs it I don’t think.

P: You didn’t realise what you were reading there did you?

M: No. I had no idea.

P: [Laugh!]

M: You changed it all!

[Laughter]

M: To take us one step further on our happiness journey today’s episode is all about how have a Happy Covid Christmas.

[Happy Intro Music]

P: [Humming out a Christmas Carol]

M: I don’t get it.

P: [Laugh] Really? I have to go into the second stanza? [Laugh]

M: Okay, so there are a lot of people, we have a lot of listeners from around the world, definitely quite a few in Australia, who I think are feeling a bit optimistic right now.

P: Oh we are. We’re ready to go. The borders are opening for Christmas, for us, which is a big thing.

M: Very big thing, but there are a lot of listeners out there who are still in isolation or lock down, or, you know any permutation of that, depending on they’re in.

P: Preparing for a second lockdown.

M: Yeah, and for Christmas, it’s kind of looking a bit depressing.

P: It’s not going to be easy.

M: Yeah. I know that when I was in States one year, a friend and I were travelling around and were in New York for Christmas and you forget that everything’s closed on Christmas day cause everyone’s doing stuff with their family.

P: [Laugh] Yes.

M: It’s probably most depressing Christmas I’ve ever had.

P: I had the same thing. I was in Dundee in Scotland, thinking ‘oh this will be great, I’m going to have a winter Christmas, it will be really nice’. Bloody awful! [Laugh!]

M: It really is. So a lot of people are looking at the possibility or the reality of spending Christmas, completely by themselves.

P: Hhmm.

M: Or with just them and one loved one or whoever is in their house, for the first time ever.

P: Which can be exciting and can be different if you choose to celebrate it. And I think that’s something that is really important. You have to choose to buy in on this one.

M: Yes, however, if you’re living by yourself, it’s tough.

P: It’s going to be tough.

M: Let’s acknowledge that.

P: Because you’re not going to be able to have people coming over, and I think that’s the fundamental one. I remember having a couple of Christmases in London, where the weather is terrible, let’s face it, it’s Christmas time, but we actually had a lovely [day]. We planned to be at home the whole day, actually for two days because London shuts down on Christmas Eve and it actually ended up being a really fun affair.

I mean, I was in the kitchen cooking, so I wasn’t happy space.

M: [Laugh]

P: We had four people in the house, and it was actually really lovely. So it was nice to have that experience on the back of my Dundee experience, which was me sitting in a red telephone box, ringing my family and crying because I wasn’t home for Christmas.

M: Aww..

P: I know I thought it was going to be wonderful, it really wasn’t.

[Laughter]

M: Yep, I know that feeling.

[Laughter]

M: So I think what I’m hearing from you is there is definitely a mindset thing to this. We need to go into Christmas this year knowing that it might not be what we’re used to.

P: Mmm.

M: That we’re going to make the best of it. But also, I think, allow yourself a bit of a cry, or allow yourself to feel lonely if… it is not what you want it to be and to feel disappointed and to acknowledge that change and potentially the pain or the crappiness of it.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: The point is not to dwell too long in it.

P: No.

M: And this episode is about talking about things that are able to help you maybe balance out those sad feelings that you might be feeling because Christmas this year won’t be what you would [have] hoped it would be.

P: Absolutely. Trying to find the positive way out of that negative encounter.

M: Yeah, balancing it a bit.

P: Mmm. There we go.

M: And so we were talking about quite a few things that you can do to bring yourself joy and happiness during the holidays.

P: Mmm.

M: And recently it was World Kindness Day and I wrote an article and did some research for that; and the research, we’ve definitely covered in previous episodes with the research about doing kind things for others and being generous to others is… [laugh]

P: There was a cat hair on my microphone!

[Laughter]

M: It kept tickling you.

P: I was like ‘what is going on?!’

[Laughter]

P: I couldn’t see it, I haven’t got my glasses on.

[Laughter]

M: Alright, so the research in to helping others and doing kind things for others is extensive and just a couple of pieces of research to point to.

So there was one study which looked at the effects of kindness based on performing acts of kindness for others or for yourself. And the study, looked at how to measure the levels of psychological flourishing, including social well-being and emotional well-being of the participants.

And when the study was over, researchers found that those performing acts of kindness for others achieved higher levels of psychological flourishing than the group doing acts of kindness for themselves. So while it’s important to be compassionate to yourself and forgiving of yourself and to have those moments of sadness.

P: Mmm.

M: If you’re, you’re disappointed at what Christmas might look like this year. A great way to get out of that and to move forward from an emotional point of view is to focus on doing something kind for someone else.

P: I just can’t get over the fact that you have a psychological flourishing.

M: [Laugh]

P: [Misty voice] I’m seeing a flower opening as if it were extending itself into the springtime sunshine.

M: Maybe we can take this episode and make it about visualisation as well. [Misty voice] Visualise yourself opening like a flower.

P: [Misty voice] Psychological flourishing.

[Laughter]

P: I love it. It’s a new win term for me.

[Laughter]

P: But yes. I think you’re definitely right there Muz, it’s about trying to find some positive avenues to explore, and one of those is definitely with the kindness and how you can unlock, unlock the double doors of the horizon. That’s an opera reference. Not many of our listeners would get that but anyway. [Laugh]

M: Yeah, I get that.

[Laughter]

M: So I guess what we’re saying is be kind to yourself, absolutely particularly this Christmas. It’s going to be very different from what a lot of us had hoped for and a lot of us had expected or wanted.

P: Yep.

M: And that brings disappointment. So be nice to yourself and understand that a lot of people will be feeling disappointment and sadness at that and not being able to spend Christmas overseas or with their family.

P: Definitely.

M: Or any… whatever you see as a good Christmas.

P: Mmm.

M: But also a great way to move forward, and to make it something, make something… make lemons? Make lemonade out of lemons, is to take some time to think through some things that you could do for others. There are definitely a lot of people in need, this year. People who have lost their jobs. So food banks are a great way to give back.

P: Yes.

M: You can get your friends together and get some canned goods together and donate them or deliver them.

P: Yeah.

M: Or if you don’t want to leave home, there are some great ways you can crochet socks.

P: [Laugh]

M: And learn to knit, and knit teddy bears for kids in hospitals.

P: Mmm.

M: There’s all kinds of things you can do just need to jump on the internet and look for activities that you can do from home that can give to others. And another great one I just got a phone call today, actually, from the Red Cross in Australia here, saying that they’re short on plasma, so I’ll be going into donate this Friday.

P: I think in terms of Googling, Google ‘things my grandmother would do.’

M: [Laugh]

P: That’ll give you something that you could do, which would be an act of kindness. I throw this out as a challenge.

Google ‘What would my grandmother do?’ Find an act of kindness in there and see if you can perform it so it could be that you need to learn how to crochet.

M: Love it.

P: That’ll be interesting, [laugh].

M: I think one of the great things about Covid is that a lot of us have gone back to things that our grandparents would have done. We’re gardening, we’re playing puzzles.

P: Mmm, mm.

M: We’re really exploring a simpler life, and a quieter life.

P: I think, I think it’s the life of connection, so there’s a way of connecting with someone over a board game, for example, because you’re, you’re involved in action, which takes your concentration and your focus and that in itself we know takes your focus away from being self-reflective in a negative aspect. So if you are feeling a little bit precious and vulnerable then taking your focus and putting it somewhere else can help.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: With way laying those sorts of emotions. But it also does help to connect you with someone on the other side of the chess board, for example, because you’re spending, you can spend two hours on a chess game.

M: Absolutely. And the one I was talking about you this afternoon actually is gratitude. Practising gratitude is about teaching your mind to scan for the positive things in your day and in your life and it’s teaching your brain to recognise the good not only the bad, which we’re wired to do.

P: Yes, absolutely that’s a really important one that we’ve talked about before.

M: Yeah

P: And whether that’s writing it down in a journal or talking to someone that you have in your life on a daily basis and going. Let’s talk about what we’ve achieved today. What was the good thing that happened today?

M: Yes. So, as we were talking about earlier, for me and my husband we’re now doing that every evening, and it’s really strengthened our bond.

P: Mmm.

M: It’s taken us away from talking about what groceries need to be picked up.

P: [Laugh]

M: What chores need to be done.

P: Nag, nag, nag woman!

M: [Laugh]

P: That’s all I’m hearing from Francis right now [laugh].

M: So, not cool.

P: [Laugh]

M: So, so not cool. [Laugh]

P: Can I just say for the record that Francis and I do have a relationship outside of Marie and my relationship. [Laugh]

M: But ours is number one, just so we’re clear.

P: Yes.

[Laughter]

M: Yeah, so again it is a great thing that you can do with a friend or a family member is to ask ‘what went well today?’ It gets really tough, and there’s a million articles out there about things that you can be grateful for because people end up saying the same things over and over and over again. But if you reframe the question to ‘what went well today?’, then you’ll never run out of things.

P: Mmm.

M: [Be]cause there’s always something that is a positive and that you can, or would be grateful for.

P: Mmm.

M: And when you talk about that with someone else, it’s really amazing how it opens up the conversation again. You end up bonding more, and it’s not about the chores and the to do list.

P: Mmm.

M: It’s about things that happened in your day that you can share with other people.

P: Yeah right.

M: And again, if you’re looking at a Christmas where you won’t be around the people you love or you can’t be close to the people you love physically, this is a great way to start doing something once a week, where you can bond virtually, from the phone or through What’s App and messenger and all the rest of it, to have a deeper level conversation with the people you love.

P: Mmm. One thing that I’m gonna throw out there as well is what you’re planning to do for Christmas? So if you don’t have a plan, this Christmas make one.

M: Absolutely.

P: Plan to have a day, even if it is cooking a meal for yourself that you eat whilst you’re zooming with someone else, one of your family members or the person that you want to be with. But plan that lunch plan that dinner plan that morning connection that you’re going to give and get the supplies, cook yourself a little backed ham or something, something small and invest some time into the doings that you would normally do -the doings? Is that good English? Yeah that’s good English.

[Laughter]

P: The actions you might normally partake in if [it were a non-Covid Christmas]. For me and my family it’s always a shared lunch. So if I’m in isolation in this year, I would zoom, but I would make sure I had a glass of wine in front of me with a table that was half full of three different meats.

M: [Laugh].

P: Thank you my darling sister. [Laugh] And a little bit of dessert, whether that be a piece of ice cream or an icy pole or something, and I’m going to zoom my family whilst I enjoy that meal.

M: Treat yourself, make it special.

P: Yeah.

M: So again, we did mention the study before, which said that treating others or being kind of others brings more emotional ..flourishing

P: [Laugh]

M: than treating yourself. But that’s not to say that having self-compassion and looking after yourself and being kind to yourself doesn’t bring many, many benefits.

P: Mmm.

M: So there’s a great study from University of Texas at Austin. Shout out, cause that’s my husbands university.

P: Aww.

M: Yep. And it shows that when you’re kind to yourself, some of the benefits, a better life satisfaction, greater interconnectedness with other people, more curiosity and higher levels of happiness.

P: Hmm.

M: So definitely over that period, make sure that you’re eating well, getting enough sleep and getting some exercise. But treat yourself to something a little bit special on Christmas Day. Give yourself something to look forward to.

P: Mmm. Plan it, that’s the thing.

M: Plan something to look forward to that’s a bit special.

P: Yeah.

M: And just because you’re doing it only for yourself doesn’t mean you can’t spoil yourself.

P: Too many people take that in, like I have this rather fabulous friend and we were talking about glassware. You’ve got your posh silver and you’ve got your good crockery and you’ve got your glassware.

M: Do you?

P: Well, maybe.

M: Maybe in the 18th century yeah.

P: [Laugh] This’s a recollection maybe of an older generation they put in the cupboard and they save it for that special time. Bugger it! Get it out now! Get it out for yourself!

M: Mmm.

P: Get that for you on your solo date with yourself and get out the good crockery, or get out the good crystal and have that glass of wine in your best crystal glass and celebrate the fact that you’re looking after and cherishing yourself by having the good stuff.

M: Yeah, some nice bath salts.

P: OK.

M: Or whatever it is that you enjoy doing, put some time aside to read a book or to watch your favourite movie, whatever it is that you want to do, that is a bit of a treat and plan it now, so you can look forward to it until it comes on the 25th.

P: Yep.

M: Yes, and that is something that I think a lot of people also again have been struggling with during Covid is all of our holidays and plans all of a sudden just got wiped off our calendars and we didn’t have something to look forward to.

P: We didn’t replace it with something else.

M: Exactly. So there is still a lot that you can do that isn’t a holiday overseas.

P: Mmm, yep.

M: It could be going for a walk in the park. It could be planting a garden. It could be.. there are so many things you could do at home. Or that you’re allowed to do in isolation, depending on the country you’re in, that you can look forward to doing. And that don’t need you to go to a tropical island somewhere or on a plane.

P: Yeah.

M: So there are some things, some ideas that we do have to be kind to others.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: If that’s the way you want to go and the best one after the year that America has had.

P: Mmm. Gosh.

M: Is to spread some kindness and positivity on social media.

P: Oh, do a positive post.

M: More than that. Jump on. And instead of just liking your friends posts actually comment on them.

P: Okay, that’s a simple thing.

M: Congratulations. What a great achievement. I love this photo. You’re looking hot, babe.

[Laughter]

M: Get on there and actually spend an hour just spreading some love and joy and kindness.

P: And then check in with yourself and note how good you feel,

M: Absolutely.

P: If you spend an hour on that, that’s going to give you some amazing crazy positive neurochemicals going around.

M: Yep.

P: [Laugh]

M: Definitely. So that’s something really simple and free that you can do.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: Another great one if you’re in a country that tips is, leave a larger than normal tip or even if you’re in a country that doesn’t tip.

P: Exactly.

M: It’s Christmas time. And a lot of the people who work in retail and restaurant hospitality there on minimum wage and an extra five or ten dollars can go a really long way.

P: Yep.

M: I like this one as well, I used to do this when I’d go on holidays away from my husband I’d leave post it notes around, that he’d discover.

P: [Laugh]

M: Fold them up in his underwear.

[Laughter]

M: Or in the bathroom, behind the mirror or something.

P: [Laugh]

M: Just little things.

P: Yeah.

M: Just little things to bring a smile to someone’s day.

P: I like it.

M: Definitely.

P: The one that I think is really great is writing a letter.

M: Yes.

P: Spend fifteen minutes writing an actual physical letter, get a note card or a blank card and actually write out to someone. To one person that you really appreciate in your life or has given you some really positive vibes or positive experiences in your life and write to them saying how much they’re appreciated. You don’t need to put it in a Christmas card. It doesn’t need to be a festive thing and then challenge them to pass that on to one other person, the pay it forward principle.

M: I like it. On the pay it forward principle. If you’re ever going to a drive through, another great one is to pay for the people behind your order.

P: Oh, wow, that’s cool.

M: Yeah.

P: I like that. [Laugh]

M: So you can do that in the States. They have a lot of coffee shops that [do] drive through so you can just buy a coffee for someone. But wouldn’t it be great to rock up and hear someone had paid for your meal?

P: That’s, that’s very nice. Yeah, that’s good.

M: Yeah, so there’s a whole range of little things you can do, some of them free, some of them cheap.

P: Mmm.

M: And some of them are just donating your time, and you can do a lot of them from your home. So if you’re worried about getting out of your home and catching Covid, then there’s a lot of things that you can do to take control of the your mental well-being and balance out the bad with the good.

P: Mmm.

M: And it’s just a case of putting aside time to do it.

P: Yeah, I’d agree with that.

M: And a lot of the time, that’s what we don’t do.

P: Yeah, mmm.

M: That’s what we don’t do. So I’m challenging anyone out there who is seeing the train coming their way.

P: [Laugh]

M: I know that if I was in a country right now, where we were in isolation and lock down over Christmas, I would be banging my head against a wall.

P: Yeah.

M: I would be having to combat that with some positive things. So, it, it’s just about planning for it.

P: Yep.

M: Planning to look after your own mental well-being and to balance out the bad with the good.

P: Yep.

M: ‘Cause we all go through bad things sometimes.

P: Definitely, yep.

M: Everybody hurts, sometimes.

P: [Laugh] And on that note.

M: R.E.M.

[Laughter]

P: Have you been listening to 80’s classics all day?

[Laughter]

P: I think there we’ll wrap it up for that one. That sounds like a good finishing point.

M: I do however want to wish for anyone who celebrates Christmas a Merry Christmas.

P: Of course.

M: And a Happy New Year and a Happy Holidays for anyone who is not celebrating Christmas.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: And hoping that everyone out there who is dealing with isolation and lock down is looking after themselves and finding ways to bring joy and positive experiences into their lives to balance out what has been a really tough year.

P: Absolutely. Celebrate your little achievements no matter how small they are.

M: Yes.

P: Ok, thanks for joining us today. For more information, please remember to subscribe and like our podcast, you can find all our information on www.marieskelton.com a site about balance, happiness and resilience. You could also leave questions or propose a topic.

M: And if you like our show, we would love it if you could leave a comment or rating to help us out.

P: That would be our Christmas present from you.

M: Aww. Until next time…

P: Choose happiness.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article 5 Ways to Overcome the COVID Blues, listen to our Podcast Is it Even Possible to be Happy During COVID? (E34)

18 Christmas Gift Ideas That Support a Cause

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Christmas gift ideas

Christmas Gift Ideas That Support a Cause

In our age of abundance, it can be hard sometimes to come up with Christmas gift ideas for loved ones. Many of us have all that we need in our houses, and gifts that are funny or cute in the moment, often end up relegated to the garage or donate pile not long afterward.

But, with a rise in stakeholder capitalism and socially conscious companies, there are many companies which not only make amazing products, they are also working to save the environment and better the world through social activism. Whether your money goes to employing fair trade artisans or donating to charity, giving a gift that supports a cause means you get the double feel-good vibes of investing in the well-being of those less fortunate. In the end, isn’t this what the holiday spirit is about?

Not only that, but studies have also shown that giving gifts, caring for others and performing acts of kindness can all provide boosts to your mood and happiness levels. A study called, “Do unto others or treat yourself?” showed an increase in the levels of psychological flourishing after performing acts of kindness, including social well-being and emotional well-being of the participants. It showed, when we are kind to one another, we actually achieve a higher level of positive emotions compared to being kind to ourselves.

So, what are you waiting for? Take a look at our list of 18 Christmas gift ideas that support a cause – helping you bring joy to your friends and family, while helping you feel good too. Read on!

Supporting Women Entrepreneurs

The following women-owned businesses are all committed to achieving a better and more sustainable future for all.

  1. SheEO is a global community of radically generous women who support women-owned businesses that are committed to solving the world’s to-do list (otherwise known as the United Nations Sustainable Development Goals). Check out the SheEO 2020 Holiday Gift Guide to support women-led and women-owned Ventures that are working on the World’s To-Do List when purchasing gifts for friends.
  2. BeauTex Designs is a collection of sustainable work wear and eco-friendly shoes designed to be as reliable and hard working as you. Their gender neutral, eco vegan shoes are made from recycled plastic water bottles diverted from oceans and landfill and the soles are made from a combination of recycled rubber. 
  3. Code Like A Girl is a social enterprise providing girls and women with the confidence, tools, knowledge and support to enter, and flourish, in the world of coding! Why not buy someone you know (kids or adults) a course to get them started!
  4. Grow Your Mind wants to see children, families and teachers with the same awareness of looking after their mental health as they do for their physical health. They exist to make topics such as brain awareness, resilience, mindfulness and compassion relatable for all. Check out their shop for resilience kits, journals and more.
  5. Pure Peony cremes, soap and shampoo naturally heals irritated inflamed skin using scientifically proven peony root extract from our organic farm.
  6. The World’s Biggest Garage Sale aims to activate dormant goods for good as a way to make purposeful profit that creates a positive impact on people and the planet.

Environmentally Conscious Gifts

The following companies and products are all environmentally friendly and sustainable. Here are some Christmas gift ideas that also protects our planet this Christmas?

Zero Waste 26 Piece Kitchen Starter Kit: Includes a reusable mesh produce bags, reusable silicone stretch lids, reusable stainless steel straws with cleaning brush.

Ocean Clear’s 5 Pack assorted sizes (AU$16.99), Reusable Organic Eco-friendly Beeswax Food Wraps | Biodegradable, Sustainable, Food Storage Covers.

Brooke & Wallace Beauty and Skincare. reusable and sustainable materials, made with bamboo Kit with Headband, reusable Makeup Remover Pads, Luxury Premium Face Wipes.

Wheat Straw Nordic Dinnerware Plates (AU$20.65)- Microwave Dishwasher Safe & Reusable, Lightweight & Recycled Outdoor Picnic Eating – Eco-Friendly BPA Free, 4 pack.

Patagonia is a long-time leader and diligent supporter of grassroots environmentalism, with more than $20m donated to environmental organisations.

Socially Conscious Gift Ideas

Whether you’re contributing to ending slavery or helping people less fortunate than you, the following companies and products are all committed to making the world a better place.

  1. The Tote project creates fair trade, organic tote bags sewn by human trafficking survivors. Each bag supports survivors in the US as they pursue their dreams.
  2. Warby Parker realised that 15% of the world’s population lack access to glasses, making it difficult for those individuals to navigate the world clearly. Every time you buy a pair of glasses, a pair is distributed to someone in need.
  3. Did you know socks are the most requested clothing item in homeless shelters? Bombas knows this, and it’s why they’ve donated more than 10million pair of socks. All you need to do is buy one pair of socks to have one pair donated.
  4. One of the original B Corp companies, Toms has been using sustainable materials, being transparent about their supply chain, and donating profits to help partners create positive change for people to feel physically safe, mentally healthy, and have equal access to opportunity. They recently surpassed the $2 million mark for donations.

Secret Santa Gift Ideas and Gag Gifts

Are you looking for Christmas gift ideas to make people laugh? Need something for the office Christmas party? We’ve got you covered there too…

  1. Given the mad rush to stockpile toilet paper this year, and the fact that EVERYONE uses it, why not gift wrap some socially conscious toilet paper from Who Gives a Crap? Who Gives A Crap was started after the founders learnt that 2.4 billion people don’t have access to a toilet meaning that around 289,000 children under five die every year from diarrhea diseases caused by poor water and sanitation. They donate 50% of profits to help build toilets and improve sanitation in the developing world.
  2. Do you know someone who loves The Crown? Or perhaps they’re a bit full of themselves? Either way, this next company has you covered… Established Titles is a Scottish company that is using the Scottish land ownership laws to sell plots of land. The money contributes to the preservation and protection of woodland areas in Scotland, and the owner of the land is granted the title of Lord or Lady. Yes, this is fully legit. You can buy a small piece of Scottish land, and come away with a title for you or a loved one, while at the same time preserving the beautiful Sottish woodlands. Not only that, but they plan a tree for every order.

Giving Back to People in Need

We can all agree 2020 has been a tough year and for some, this means that Christmas will be even tougher. If you’re at the point where your loved one really doesn’t need anything more in their house, why not consider making a donation on their behalf – that way 100 percent of your gift will help someone in need.

The Salvation Army makes it easy for you to make a direct difference in someone’s life this Christmas. From buying someone a Christmas lunch, or a warm cup of soup, to a Santa stocking for kids or a phone call to an elderly person who is alone, there are so many ways to give back to people in need. Explore the heartwarming range of ideas to relieve suffering in our community from only $5.

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!

How Forgiveness Can Make You Happier (E46)

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This week, Marie and Pete discuss the power of forgiveness and how it can rewire your brain to be more positive.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness, a studious reader, appropriate perceiver and at times, administer of stress reliever. Each week we will be to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low…

P: because you’re not in the show…

M: Or just a little bit out of limbo.

P: Then this is the place to be!

M: And take this one step further on our happiness journey, today’s episode is all about forgiveness.

P: Mmm.

[Happy Intro Music]

P: This is going to be a big one. This is a heavy one Marie.

M: It sure is. And it’s surprising that the feedback we’ve had on our book that we launched in October this year available on Amazon.

P: Self-Care is Church for Non-believers.

M: [Laugh] The feedback is that the forgiveness chapter is the one that has resonated the most.

P: Oh Really, oh wow.

M: Definitely. We’ve had some great reviews on Amazon, which has been lovely, and some friends have reached out to me going we’ve picked up the book, and for a lot of people, the chapter on forgiveness is the one that’s really resonated.

P: Mmm. I think we all have to go through a stage of figuring ourselves out at some point in our lives.

M: Yeah, we’re not perfect. We all make mistakes. That’s where the self-compassion comes in. This chapter is more about forgiving others. And I think with that you have to, at times, acknowledge your part in whatever has happened.

P: Take responsibility.

M: Yeah.. But, not necessarily take responsibility, but just acknowledge that there are two people. It takes two to tango.

P: Yep.

M: But this this one is really about How do we move on when someone has hurt us?

P: Mmm, it’s not easy. It’s not an easy path to go through.

M: Definitely not. And especially the younger you are, the more that can really shape the life that you have afterwards.

P: Yeah.

M: You really carry the scars, that the baggage of poor interactions in your childhood and teen years, well through your adult life.

P: Mmm.

M: And all way through life at times. So really, one of the main points that I want to get across in this episode is that just like a lot of other things that we talk about the show forgiveness is not about someone else.

Forgiveness is for you and about you.

P: I love that.

M: [Whispers] I do to.

P: It comes from a personal space I think. The ability to forgive comes from a really personal space I think.

M: Absolutely, and really when we say it’s for you and about you. It is not about making someone else feel better for wronging you.

P: Mmm. Yes.

M: It’s about letting go of grudges and blame and negative feelings that are stopping you from moving on.

So, understanding what happened;

Processing how that made you feel;

Acknowledging the pain or the anger or the betrayal.

P: Mmm.

M: And finding a way to move forward with that knowledge and understanding. You don’t have to hug it out.

P: [Laugh]

M: You don’t have to tell someone I forgive you.

P: No.

M: You don’t even have to ever talk to them again.

P: But…

M: It’s not about them. It’s about you, being able to leave that baggage behind so that you can have a positive life moving forward.

P: Mmm.

M: And for a lot of people who’ve felt that pain and that betrayal of a parent not living up to your expectations, a sibling doing wrong by you, stealing from you, a partner cheating on you, a friend betraying your confidences.

P: Yep.

M: There are so many ways that we get hurt, really hurt by people around us, whether deliberately or not, and for some people they can hold on to that, and it really impacts how they interact with new people as they progress through life.

P: Mmm. It also has a lot to do with the neuro-chemicals that get released into our brain when we’re having these horrible negative emotions, all that cortisol and adrenaline actually gets released into our system. So, we have to combat that with these other thought processes, so that we can stop… WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!?

[Laughter]

M: I’m not it’s just, I’ve got this cat sitting on my shoulder.

P: [Laugh] I’m trying to be all serious and scientific, and you’re ridiculing me with a cat underneath your mouth.

M: I’m not ridiculing you.

P: [Laugh!]

M: Just appreciating the situation.

P: There we go, [laugh]… Right, so the art of forgiveness helps us to undo some of that negative neuro-chemical release that does happen in our brain, when we’re holding on to grudges or past trauma.

M: More than, more than undo. Because you can’t undo that. It stops the brain from producing those negative chemicals, all those chemicals that having negative impacts on you and might even allow for positive feelings and positive chemicals to be released through other activities.

P: It does. I have a bit more science on that, it actually does. There’s a little bit of work that’s being done by a programme in Sydney University, where they’re actually looking at brain wave activity and getting the brain waves to coordinate well, and part of that is training your brain and training those brain waves to reactivate in a coordinated fashion. We might come to that later in the episode.

M: Ok. Um… and not now?

P: [Laugh] We can, we can talk about it now.

M: You always do that to me.

P: [Laugh] I throw to you and you’re not ready?

M: “There’s a really juicy bit of information, and… we’ll talk about that later.”

P: [Laugh]

M: Right? So what are we doing now? Why not now?

P: [Hysterical Laughter!]

M: What’s going on later?

P: We can talk about it now, [laugh] I don’t mind. There is a way that they’re working with, these are asylum seekers and refugees, people that experienced post-traumatic stress disorder. And the way that they’re actually looking at it [is] instead of going to the psychological evaluations and reliving the trauma, the way of dealing with that now is to start training the brainwave activity; Which means virtual reality, using computer generated games to reinforce positive brain associations rather than reliving the trauma and this in a way it comes back to our discussion about forgiveness because you’re letting go of that stimulus by being able to forgive and move on you’re letting go of that continual little peanut that sits in your gut that is going ‘ggrrr’, being negative and angry.

M: Absolutely. And to back that up the Mayo Clinic in the US. They’re a huge organisation and health network in the US. They have done a lot of studies on forgiveness and shown that it definitely leads to improved health and peace of mind and so being able to let go of that negativity, and that stress, and all the negative chemicals you’re talking about Pete and make room for the positive.

P: Hmm.

M: [It] has huge impact to your relationships, it leads to healthy relationships, better mental health, reduces anxiety, stress, hostility, it lowers blood pressure.

P: Mmm.

M: And it also can help with depression and self-esteem.

P: Mmm.

M: On the flip side, just like with many of the things we talk about in the positive psychology area, it can lead to a stronger immune system and improved heart health. So it’s no wonder that letting go of all of that leads to greater feelings of happiness, hopefulness and optimism.

P: It allows the good stuff in. If you’re making less room with the bad stuff, you’re allowing more space for the good stuff.

M: Absolutely. And I think the reason I love this, talking about this episode in December is that a lot of us are heading into a holiday period, and the period with more anxiety, more stress. We’re seeing families, and for a lot of us families aren’t what they’re portrayed as in Hollywood.

P: Mmm.

M: Or maybe they are, it depends on what genre you’re watching.

[Laughter]

P: Not everyone has happy family time at Christmas.

M: Exactly. And for a lot of people, that is a high stress, high anxiety period. Because of how broken some of those relationships are with people that they’re spending time with. So this practising forgiveness is something that I highly encourage people to look into as they head into holiday periods. And if you know that you’re going to be spending time with someone who has wronged you or hurt you and it comes with anxiety and stress, seeing them and being in the same space.

P: That association. Yes

M: Then just going through the steps of practising forgiveness can be a really beneficial exercise to help, you not only cope with the upcoming holidays, but also to cope in a far more positive and better mental health space. With all of those dinners and periods.

P: It puts you in a better position.

M: Exactly.

P: It puts you in control rather than being reactive. You’re in control so that you can choose to steer the interaction in a different direction should it need to occur.

M: Also, if you’re filled with greater self-esteem and less anxiety, you can put up with someone else’s bad behaviour, if they keep doing it. And if you’ve just got a crazy u ncle, who loves to slap you on the ass and you’ve always felt bad.

P: Yeah. [Laugh]

M: About yourself. But all of a sudden, you rock up and your power woman, right? Crazy uncle has no impact on you. Right?

P: Mmm.

M: So it’s about being… Okay that, that’s a weird thing. And crazy uncle should not be allowed to slap anyone on the ass. Let’s be really.. [Laugh]

P: I’m taking notes here.

[Laughter]

M: That is called sexual harassment people.

[Laughter]

M: And it is not okay and it is not funny. And it is definitely not, something we’re abdicating for here.

P: Mmm.

M: What I am trying to say, though, is that if you’re in a strong space from a mental well-being and a mental health perspective, you don’t let a lot of the other people’s poor behaviour impact you in the same way as if you’re not in a good mental health space.

P: So how do we look at forgiveness, Marie? What is the first thing that we start to look at? [When] we’re going to look at getting into a forgiveness space?

M: What are the steps? Yeah. The first thing is, are you ready, and willing?

P: Ooh. Is this the hardest step?

M: Absolutely.

P: Recognising?

M: Yep, well.

P: A little bit of acceptance?

M: It’s, It’s taking the leap of faith.

P: Mmm. That’s-

M: -It’s the buying in!

P: Buying in! [Laugh]

M: It’s the cynics!

[Laughter]

P: Never easy.

M: Yep. And some pain has just cut too deep and has been going on for too long to be easily wiped away.

P: And there’s a real fear of opening that back up again.

M: Yep.

P: I mean we can understand that, we don’t want to go and reopen old scars. There is this period where you’ve got to accept that ‘Ok I’m going to address this.’

M: Yep, and it can take a lot of time. It is not an easy, ‘I’m going to forgive.’ And then you know, an hour later, everything’s all great.

P: Hunky Dory.

M: Yeah exactly. It is a time consuming practise that takes commitment, so the first step is committing to the process, and making that choice means you have to want to do it. You have to commit to do it, and you have to know that it’s not always going to be easy and sometimes you’ll carry scars with you for life.

P: Yep.

M: But you have to make the choice to forgive and be open to the process, for it to work.

P: And maybe not expecting stuff to come instantly.

M: Absolutely, to know that it will not only be painful, but it will take time.

P: Yep.

M: And the deeper those scars run, the more painful it will be, and the more time it will take. And you might need someone to help you through.

P: Definitely. Hmm.

M: So that’s step one.

Are you ready? Willing? And going to commit to the process?

Step two, if you’re going to go through the process.

Find somewhere quiet for some self-reflection.

So if you’re going to do this by yourself rather than with a professional. The next step is to give yourself the space to process the loss or the grief.

P: So does mean if you have to throw things down the corridor, you’ve got space to do that.

M: Yes, be angry, be hurt, grieve, be vulnerable and feel the pain.

P: And be expressive with that pain.

M: Absolutely. And a great way to do that is to write down what happened.

Write done what happened.

P: Yep. Externalise it. Get around the side that’s not inside you and eating away at you.

M: Yep.

P: That’s where throwing, throwing screwdrivers is really good.

M: Screwdrivers?

P: Screwdrivers, forks. It’s really good.

[Laughter]

P: Just make sure there’s no one around when you do it.

M: Don’t hurt other people, yes.

P: No, no, no, no.

M: And make sure it can’t bounce back at you.

[Laughter]

P: We’ve all seen that on funniest home videos.

M: Youtube?

P: [Laugh]

M: Yep.

Write down what happened, and write down then the behaviour that you want to forgive.

P: Get specific.

M: Not the person, the behaviour. So what was it that was done to you that you want to release and move on from.

P: In that way, it’s possibly more about identifying the issue rather than making it personal about the person.

M: Yep.

P: And if you have to change the name of that person, if you have to change the name of that person, that would change the way that you reference them. That could be a really good tool to unlocking that personal attachment to the grief.

M: Yep. Then, once you’ve written down what was done, the behaviour that impacted you;

Write down how it has impacted you.

So what were the repercussions of what happened so look at how you have changed, how you trust others, how you behave, how your life has been impacted because of the thing that happened and also how it has made you feel.

P: Mmm.

M: I want you to take the time here to really explore that, particularly if you’re talking [about] things that happen in your teens that you’ve been sitting with a decade or for a long period of time. Really explore and take the time to explore how you’ve been impacted and how it’s made you feel and name those emotions.

P: That’s going to be tough for some people, to be specific and named those.

M: Yeah, Fred.

P: Yep

[Laughter]

P: Fred, Jasper, Horace.

[Laughter]

M: Yep, So;

Name your emotions and name the impacts of those emotions.

How they impacted your life and take as long as you need in this step, don’t “under bake” this step.

P: Mmm.

M: So it’s about really feeling that pain, acknowledging it. And you might need to do this over a few hours or days or months, and you might want to actually revisit this step for years to come.

P: Hhmm.

M: [Be]cause it’s only with hindsight that we often really get clarity over how these things have impacted us.

P: Definitely, yes.

M: So, firstly commit to it. Secondly, reflect. Thirdly, and this is the hard part, understand?

P: Mmm.

M: So without judgement, you want to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, not so that you can forgive them, but so you can hopefully try to understand what they might have been thinking, feeling and doing that led to that behaviour.

P: And I don’t think you’re trying to justify their actions here.

M: No.

P: You are just putting yourself in their position. To understand where that action has come from.

M: Absolutely. And you might come to the realisation that they’re just a mean person, and they’ve got no reason or why you might not get a why. Don’t expect a why, some people behave in ways that we will never understand. Some people are cruel and horrible and mean period. Some people have had experiences of their own that shape their behaviour, and you might end up feeling sympathy or sadness for what led that person to behave the way they do.

P: Yep.

M: But you might not get that why.

P: Mmm. Yep.

M: So this is purely about trying to understand what might have led to their behaviour.

P: Mm hmm.

M: It’s not about condoning their behaviour or agreeing with it. It’s about trying to understand why they might have acted the way they did.

P: Ok.

M: And lastly;

Letting go and moving on.

So then, in the end it’s about choosing forgiveness, so it’s about being able to honestly, say to yourself I understand why this happened. It was painful. But now I choose to move forward with my life, and I’ll work to make sure this no longer shapes me, my decisions or my behaviour.

P: You could do this externally as well, and this is where you can get creative with this part of the process. The pagans used to have a yule log that they used to put their grievances or issues or concerns into, on a piece of paper that was put inside the log on. Then it was a lit, and it was burned and that was a physical way of being able to let go off something that maybe had been an issue or a negative emotion or a negative experience on releasing that out. So, you know, you can be a filthy barefooted hippie running through the fields naked and screaming to release whatever demon is inside of you and this is where it can be creative. And if that works for you, go for it.

M: I’d love to see you do that.

[Laughter]

P: A wailing Banshee with ribbons in my hair. [Laugh!] Visualise it people.

M: Oh, I am. The thing is you’re bald, so it’s not a great visualisation.

[Laughter]

P: I can put on a wig.

[Laughter]

M: All right, so this last step… and look, we’re talking about these four steps like they’re easy and they’re not.

P: Oh, definitely.

M: Their absolutely not. They take time. They take commitment in the end just like we were talking about the beginning of the episode it is purely for you to be able to release the negative energy and negative emotions and the hold that someone else’s behaviour is having on your current life so that you can move forward.

P: Yep. I agree, love it.

M: So before we go, then, Pete, do you have any one that you need to forgive?

P: Yes, I’ve got someone in mind. Definitely.

M: You do.

P: Betrayed the friendship, didn’t trust the friendship.

M: Oh.

P: Yeah, so it ended in a very public display of aggression, which was not warranted and yeah, didn’t trust in the friendship that was there. So that was, and that to me is very deeply hurting when you’ve spent time developing a friendship. Yeah, that was that was tough and I had to understand why that was and I had to let time do its work and give myself time and space where I actually had to remove myself from the situation and that took a few weeks and then slowly reinvest and slowly get back in touch but perhaps doing that forgiveness exercise really helped with allowing me to be free from the hurt that I experienced in that situation that occurred.

M: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

P: And I think giving the time is the really important part.

M: Yep.

P And take as much time as you need.

M: Absolutely, throw things, go out into the bush and yell and scream.

P: That’s a really good one. That’s a brilliant one. Go where no one can hear you. Caves are wonderful.

M: Yes. The echo, [laugh].

P: Really helpful.

[Laughter]

P: Go and sing a really big rock song or something at the top of your lungs.

M: Or just find a punching bag.

P: Some people can do that. Definitely. [Laugh]

M: All right, Well, on that note, we are out of time. So thank you for joining us today. If you want to hear more. Please remember to subscribe and, like this podcast and you an find us and ask us questions at www.marieskelton.com.

P: And if you like this little show, please leave us a review, we would really like that.

M: Yes, that would make us happy. Until next time.

P: Choose happiness.

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article Resiliency Is About Recharging And Self-Care, But Are You Doing It Wrong? , listen to our Podcast When it’s OK to not be OK (E25)

Could This be The Key to Your Happiness? Letting go and Moving on…

by

Letting go and moving on

Letting go and moving on…, five little words that can sound so simple. Yet we all know letting go can be one of the hardest things we do.

Whether it’s by a parent, lover, friend or colleague, many of us have felt the sting of betrayal or the hurt of someone else doing wrong by us. It’s a feeling that can stay with us for days, months or even years.

Yet, as with many of the other self-care topics we discuss on this site, the number one misconception about forgiveness is that it’s all about someone else.

Forgiveness is for you and about you.

It’s about letting go of grudges, blame and negative feelings that are stopping you from moving on. It’s understanding what happened, processing how that made you feel, then acknowledging the pain, anger or betrayal.

Sit in it, dwell in it for a while if you have to… go for a walk somewhere remote and scream at the top of your lungs or hit a punching bag until you’re exhausted. Cry and beat your pillow and cry some more.

It’s also understanding you’re human too, and we all make mistakes. That means practicing self-compassion by not only releasing yourself from the hurt, but also any blame you’ve assigned to your role (whether rational or not).

Being kind to yourself is a key element of self-care and is critical for your mental health. You don’t gain anything by being too hard on yourself. It’s OK to make a mistakes… just try to learn from them!

To forgive, you have to acknowledge that if you don’t let go, the negative emotions can have power over your life, impacting your behaviour and mental health for months and even years. It’s about letting go and choosing to move on from that pain and that resentment and releasing another person’s hold on your life so you can take back control, heal and move on with positivity with your life.

Forgiveness is all of these steps, or none of these steps, or about doing these steps repeatedly over time, because in the end we’re all different.

But, before we move on, let’s just make one things clear: forgiveness is not about excusing or forgetting another’s bad behaviour. It certainly doesn’t mean you have to fix a broken relationship or even tell the person you forgive them. You don’t even have to speak to them again.

In this article, we explore the power of forgiveness, how we can start the process of letting go and moving on, and how we can use this info to achieve a happier, healthier life. Read on!

Letting Go And Moving On

the power of forgiveness

“Forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger. Forgiveness is vitally important for the mental health of those who have been victimized.” Psychology Today

Forgiving others is a great way to let go of negativity, but unless you’ve done the work, it’s hard to really understand how someone else’s actions could be impacting your life… Of course, if you’re not convinced, there is research!

According to researcher Jack Kornfield, forgiveness isn’t quick, easy or sentimental, but it’s invaluable for your own well-being. In fact, the Mayo Clinic in the U.S. shows that forgiveness leads to improved health and peace of mind.

It has been shown to lead to healthier relationships, improved mental health, reductions in anxiety, stress and hostility; lower blood pressure; fewer symptoms of depression and improved self-esteem. It even has physical benefits such as a stronger immune system and improved heart health.

Forgiveness is about letting go of negative emotions, so it’s no wonder that it’s been linked to greater feelings of happiness, hopefulness and optimism. The reason is that releasing those negative emotions also stops the steady stream of stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenalin, that your brain produces when you think about the person or their actions.

Practicing Forgiveness

It’s important to remember that everyone is different. The steps for practicing forgiveness are not necessarily linear, you might skip some steps, or you might stay in one step for a really long time or skip through another altogether.

Are you Ready and Willing?

Some pain cuts too deep and has been going on for too long to be easily wiped away. Before you can move on, you have to feel the emotions, and it can take time. It can take a lot of time. But it all starts with a commitment to the process. If you’re ready, then you need to make a choice. That means you have to want to do it and commit to doing it. It is not always easy, and sometimes you will still carry the scars with you for life, but you have to make the choice to forgive and be open to the process for it to work.

Find Somewhere Quiet for Some Reflection.

Start by trying to process the loss or grief. Be angry. Be hurt. Grieve. Be vulnerable and feel the pain. It can help to write down what happened and in one sentence write down the behaviour that you want to forgive. Then write down how it has impacted you and made you feel. Name the negative emotions. Then name the impacts of those emotions. How have they impacted your life since? Take as long as you need in this step. You might need to do this over a few hours, or days or months. You might need to revisit this step for years to come.

Understand.

Now for the hard part. Without judgement, put yourself in their shoes and write down what they might have been thinking, feeling and doing that led to their behaviour. This is not about condoning or agreeing with their behaviour, it is about trying to understand why they might have acted the way they did.

Finally Letting go and Moving on.

Choose forgiveness. In the end, it’s about being able to honestly say to yourself: “I understand why this happened. It was painful, but now I choose to move forward with my life. I will work to make sure this no longer shapes me, my decisions or my behaviour. From today, I take back control of my life.” It’s about releasing the pain and taking back control, and finally letting go and moving on.

For more information about steps to follow for forgiveness, there are a range of great resources on the Greater Good Science Center website, as well as on Psychology Today. Just search “forgiveness.”

 

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!

Getting in Touch with Your Feelings (E45)

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Happiness for Cynics podcast

This week, Marie and Pete discuss getting in touch with your feelings and why it’s so important that you express them. 

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast happiness for cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness a toga wearing, butt baring exhibitionist of joy filled indulgences. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low.

P: Or only satisfied with life but not truly happy with it.

M: Or maybe you just want more.

P: Then this is the place to be!

M: And to take us one step further on our happiness journey on today’s episode, we are going to talk about feelings.

P: [Singing] Nothing more than feelings… [Laugh, de, de, de, du, du]

[Happy intro Music]

P: Right Muz, this is your episode. This is just for you.

M: Oh it is SO not for me.

P: [Laugh]

M: Before we do jump in though. I do want to talk about a great little news article. A school in Ireland has swapped homework for acts of kindness. Pupils at a primary school in County Cork were told they didn’t have to submit any homework, instead they’re asked to record acts of kindness they had carried out for friends and family.

P: Can you imagine being a kid in this school? You would be like “Yeah, I’m so gonna do this, I’m not doing any homework.”

M: Absolutely.

P: So this is very much like the schools that are replacing detention with meditation.

M: Oh, yes. Look at us softies.

P: [Laugh]

M: I thought you were meant to get more hard-lined as you get older.

P: I think a little bit of the science based approach to life has rubbed off on me Marie in doing this podcast.

[Laughter]

M: Absolutely. And this one I’m going back to my cynical roots.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: And when we were talking about during this episode talking about feelings, you know, I said “[euch] I’m really not good at talking about feelings” and you said, “That’s great because I am.”

P: [Laugh]

M: But we’re really not only going back to our roots here, but we’re taking different, stereotypical gender roles here.

P: We are.

M: Because normally it’s the other way around.

P: In line with that, talking about feelings is very, it’s documented science backs it up, that men do not express their feelings as easily as women, and that’s become a socially conditioned premise that was instilled by our fathers and everybody’s fathers before them. It was push it down, suck it up.

M: It was society.

P: It was, the men were supposed to be strong and not be affected by emotion and look after the women that was our societal conditioning and this has changed dramatically in the last 60 years I think and we’re really seeing that totally being stripped away and men now are being encouraged to talk about their feelings and I think the thing is, if you’ve never had the opportunity to have the language or have those discussions at a younger age, which many men around my generation or a little bit older than I am, didn’t they weren’t encouraged to have those conversations. All of a sudden, it’s very difficult to talk about your feelings and come up with words or come up with the concept of describing your emotions.

M: For a long time I struggled to communicate feelings and because we were just told to suck it up and shove it down and move on.

P: Yeah.

M: Yeah it can have, ah, huge implications for your mental well-being, and I definitely felt the repercussions of not being able to communicate or even have the language or understanding or self-awareness as a teen to understand what I was going through, and I went through quite a rough period in my teens. My sister was very, very ill, and I didn’t know how to cope with that will deal with that, so it definitely can have very serious implications if you can’t talk about your feelings.

P: And we’re going to get to that further when we actually to talk about some of the research that is out there. Not talking about your emotions has a physical effect on your body, and we’ll come to that maybe later on in the episode. But I hear what you’re saying Muz, and I think it’s really important that we learn those lessons young because otherwise you do… People can go through half of their lives without expressing their emotions and not dealing with conversations that are difficult to have and not being able to be happy or be happier or find some sort of calmness or quietness in the crazy world that we all live in.

M: Yep, absolutely. So, what is some of the research that you found?

P: One of the articles that I was reading was on ‘The Conversation’, which is a fabulous website –

M: Mmm.

P: – that does a lot of research-based articles, and it talks about how we are socially conditioned to judge emotions. So as a society having negative and positive emotions is normal, but many of us in a social setting are taught, we instantly judge people who are having hyper emotions so we’re going to accept some emotions and reject others and unfortunately, a lot of those hard to have conversations that involved people speaking honestly and openly and saying things that aren’t comfortable fall into that latter aspect of being rejected emotions.

Having that permission to feel and to express your feelings is something that not everybody gets to develop in their teenage years exactly as you’ve nominated Marie with your example and it comes to us later in life. When you are having very intense feelings of fear, aggression or anxiety. Your amygdala is running the show so the amygdala is part of the limbic system in the brain. This is the part that handles your fight or flight response. So it has a lot to do with adrenalin.

M: It’s the elephant.

P: [Laugh]

M: If anyone’s ever done the neuro psychology of the Elephant and the Rider.

P: Talk about that Muz.

[Laughter]

M: Um… When your emotions are running the show, in the corporate that I’m in right now, they’ve done a lot of neuroscience and psychology based work to help teams perform at their best and we talk about the elephant and the rider. And even though you’re the rider sitting on top of your elephant, sometimes that bugger of an elephant just takes off and does its own thing.

P: [Laugh]

M: And it could take a while to get control of it again.

P: Exactly.

M: And that’s your amygdala, and that is the root of all evolutionary, deep, deep feelings of fight and flight and all that stuff.

P: Yep.

M: All that fabulous stuff that kept us alive and led to us being the top of the food chain.

P: Exactly, absolutely. And the effect of this is shown it’s that fight or flight response. Your amygdala will rule the show and say, “OK, we’re going to be in a fearful situation here, so we need to enact actions, so we need to pump blood to our brains, [we need] to pump blood into our muscles so we can run away. These kind effacts are all ruled by emotions, not only by emotions, but they have that physical response. So it’s really important to be aware of that.

And if you look at some of the research that’s come out of the UCLA, they talk about this limbic system and diminishing the response of the amygdala when you encounter distressing or upsetting emotions, call it ‘affect labelling’. So this is being able to identify issues and give them names. Be specific about the name. So this comes back to a previous episode that we talked about in terms-

M: Fred.

P: What?

M: Like Fred or Mark?

P: Aah.. what?

M: [Laugh]

P: What???

M: You said I was going to name them?

P: [Laugh]

M: I’m naming them.

P: [Laugh] Well that’s a curve ball, Marie.

[Laughter]

P: I’m thinking more about nominating emotions [laugh].

M: Ohhh, like anger.

P: You’ve gone with Fred [Laugh].

M: I’m feeling Fred right now.

P: Horatio?

[Laughter]

P: Okay. So, Lieberman, Eisenberg and Crockett from UCLA talk about affect labelling and how we can diminish this fight or flight response when it comes to experiencing emotions. So being able to be specific with your language helps to downgrade that neuroscience response.

M: Yep, being able to say I’m feeling angry because you took my red car starts to move you out of that ‘elephant zone’ where the –

P: Yep, exactly.

M: – elephant is running the show and into the rider zone and giving you control.

P: It’s that whole thing of being specific with your language it’s like I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m wild with rage, I’m slightly inconvenienced gay man, you know?

[Laughter]

P: But having that ability is really important because it does, as you said, move you out of the elephants space. You start to get more control over the specifics of that anger, and you start to unpack it. And that’s, that’s affect labelling.

M: Yep.

P: And the Southern Methodist University talks about this, Kouros and Papp undertook a study that looked at the effects of holding back thoughts and emotions and what that did to the body.

M: Ooh.

P: The negative feelings became repressions and what they found was that taxes the brain and body and makes you more susceptible to being ill or [having a] downgraded immune system or just feeling bad. Holding onto those negative emotions allows the body to internalise, and it has a physical effect of downgrading immune response and makes you more susceptible to disease and illness.

M: I would love to do a cultural study on this because I, when I went to George Mason University in the States, I lived with a Yugoslavian, well she was Yugoslavian way back then, a Puerto Rican and an Argentinean.

P: [Laugh] Wow.

M: And you could not get more fiery personalities. And I am a descendant from England and we do not talk about health. We do not talk about money. We bottle. We do not confront. We hide and I was, you know very good at all of that. And I remember coming home from class one evening and they were throwing plates and each other in the lounge room.

P: [Laugh]

M: They were that angry. They were going “Blah blah blah!” “Blah blah!” I didn’t know what they were talking about, but they were yelling, and they were throwing, and I just turned right back around and went to the library, I was like, ‘I cannot do this.’

P: [Laugh]

M: And the next day, they were best friends again. We have no crockery anymore [laugh]. But they were good friends. Whereas, you know, looking at that and trying to understand it with an outsider’s view I was completely baffled. If that had happened in my household or with any of my friends that I’d grown up with, we would never have spoken to each other ever again in their lives.

P: Yeah. Well, that’s it because sometimes you need to get it out and there are some people who respond to that. When you’ve got that externalisation of emotions like ‘I just have to stand here and scream!’ and then I’ll be okay.

M: Yeah, well, I think it’s something that Americans, Canadians, Australians, New Zealanders, anyone who really was colonised.

P: From the English perspective.

M: He he, yeah.

P: Definitely, I think you’re absolutely right.

M: We hide or shy from confrontation as a rule, not always.

P: Yep, definitely.

M: And I think it’s well, as you’ve just shown, it’s to our detriment.

P: Absolutely, yeah it has a physical detriment to us.

M: How do you change that? Because I hate confrontation. Hate it.

P: Well, I think that again if you’ve been brought up in that environment, say, a French environment where you have a mother and father yelling and screaming, and then the next minute they’re making love on the kitchen table [laugh]. Generalising here.

[Laughter]

P: That might lead you to have an –

M: That might scar you too.

P: [Laugh] – understanding that nothing is held on to. So it’s okay to yell and scream because at the end of the day, you come back to that loving space or to that space where everything is accepted.

M: It’s also a far more psychologically safe environment for a child to grow up in.

P: Yeah.

M: Knowing that you can lose your shit and still be loved. And sometimes you might cross a line when you lose your shit.

P: Yep.

M: And sometimes you might need to apologise for not having control over your emotions or things that was said in the heat of the moment.

P: Taking responsibility for your actions, definitely.

M: Yeah, but you’ll still always be loved the next day. Whereas when you come from a family where you don’t talk about these things, the implication is, if you do, you’re not really following the script.

P: Uh huh.

M: And that you don’t know what will happen off the back of that, it’s not a psychologically safe place to be.

P: No. Interestingly enough, I had the same experience as a teenager. I was encouraged not to express my emotions or talk about my emotions and there was a lot of repression that went on and I was a very socially awkward teenager.

M: Oh, I can’t see that, I can’t see it at all!

P: Oh, it was very real. Someone sent me a photo a couple of years ago. My old dance teacher, Judy Joy, sent  me a photo going ‘I found this Peter, looking through my, my archives.’ And there’s this sully, horrible teenager staring at the camera going ‘what are you doing taking a photo of me!?’ I was like ‘Oh my goodness, is that me?’ [Laugh]  What and unhappy child. [Laugh] An unhappy 16 year old. Getting to the point of getting into university. Getting into an arts environment where it was much more expressive.

M: Mm hmm.

P: All of a sudden, I did have to start talking about my feelings and opening up. And I remember having conversations with people and saying “how do you just come out with stuff like that?” and them saying “You’ve just got to share sometimes.” And I said “but you shouldn’t do that.” “Well, you’ve got to trust the right people.” And I think this comes down to some of that hints and tips that we’ll come to in a second. It is trusting who you share with and finding the right person to share with. But once I started, oh it came out like a flood of torrent.

M: [Laugh]

P: Everybody started knowing everything about me because I was sharing all the time.

M: And now there are no filters.

[Laughter]

P: And that as well is not great because again creates difficulty in social environments [laugh].

M: Yes.

P: And that’s where we do, we start to judge the emotions before they come out. So if we can find a happy medium.

[Laughter]

P: I think you’re right that it teaches us that it is okay to express those emotions and to come out with them at the right time and take responsibility for them when you have lost your shit for example, because at the end of the day there will be in a loving environment. There will be support. There will be ‘it’s okay to have said that. Let’s now, let’s look at it and let’s dissipate the intensity of the emotion, the fight or flight response and let’s get you more calm shall we say.’ [Laughter]

M: And I think… Look there’s an initiative in Australia called R U Okay? where people are encouraged to talk about mental health and I fully support that.

P: Mmm same. The mission statement starts, it’s something simple like this, ‘It’s so important to get people talking.’

M: Absolutely. So, I’m not at all criticising the initiative, and I think it’s done great things for opening up the dialogue in Australia.

P: Mmm.

M: What I do caution against is opening up to people who are just going through the motions on that day.

P: Yes.

M: You need to just, you know, reiterating what you were saying there, you need to open up to the right people.

P: Mmm.

M: If you are going to our someone is they’re Okay, I think you’ve got to take a little bit of responsibility to be there for them if they’re not.

P: Mmm. That comes into one of the tips that I’ve got here is:

Allowing space and time without interruptions.

M: For the conversation?

P: For the conversation, yeah. It’s not just a question, and then ‘oh that’s great bye.’ It is about allowing space and time without interruptions, without distractions, locking yourself away if need be, to have the confronting conversations; And give yourself a time limit like it’s going to 30 minutes and we’re going to talk it out. And if we don’t get to the resolution in 30 minutes, that’s fine. We’ve started the conversation.

M: Yeah.

P: And having that consistent 30 minutes every week. Will tease out those little things every now and then, and that can be a really valuable way, especially for people-

M: [Gasp] Every week?

P: Yeah, it’s confronting, but this is, this is the commitment. You’ve actually got to commit to the process.

M: Why? How long are we talking about? Oh my goodness, Pete!

P: [Laughter]

M: You want to talk about feelings for 30 minutes every week?

P: Yep. It’s just like training the more you do it, the better you get at it.

M: Like, if there’s a problem, right? Not just ‘let’s talk about our feelings.’

P: Well, I will give you an example there. I know some French friends of mine who have a monthly meeting where they discuss their emotions within the context of the relationship.

M: I think I know who you’re talking about.

P: Yeah [laugh].

M: They’re talking about a relationship, so that’s a bit different. So there’s not necessarily something negative they’re trying to, to use your words solve or to get over. I think that’s a little bit of, that’s a relationship chicken, and I love that. I think that’s great. But talking about your feelings, for half an hour every week… oohh.

P: Until you find a point of resolution, if there’s an issue –

M: If there’s an issue? Yep.

P: – that you’re not expressing your emotions and if this emotion is eating you up and causing your physical distress.

M: Ok, I’m on board with that.

P: If you’re wondering why your stomach doing back flips and you’re getting acid reflux every, every time you eat a meal. Maybe look at what’s going on mentally, and these are the kind of signals that I think warn us to be having these conversations and that’s what, you would, you commit to something for a month of 30 minutes a week.

M: I would say, though, just to be careful with that word resolution.

P: Mmm hmm.

M: I don’t think that everything can have a resolution, and sometimes the resolution is that we agree not to talk about this or not to engage on this because we are on opposite sides.

P: Sure.

M: So there’s some great examples of families in America who were pro and against an anti-Trump and it’s torn their families apart because if they couldn’t not talk about that. So I think there are situations where it’s OK to not talk.

P: Uh huh.

M: And maybe if you’ve got lingering feelings or issues that it’s okay to instead of laying it all on a loved one, talk to someone who’s not part of the problem or the issue and go talk to a professional.

P: Absolutely, yeah. This comes up in some of the other tips that I’ve got here is:

Finding a method of communication that works for you.

Now that could be chatting. It could be writing. It could be a person to person, or it could be external. So it is about sharing that burden, and it doesn’t always have to be the same person. But if you’re not getting the right venting that you need from having it with the person that’s affected, then maybe you do need to go on seek external help, such as seeking a counsellor or psychiatrist that could walk you through those places because sometimes for people it’s .. much easier to open up to a complete stranger –

M: Mmm hmm.

P: – Where there is no judgement.

M: Yep, and sometimes that stranger is far better equipped to actually get you through a bad period.

P: Absolutely, definitely, yep. A couple of other things I’ll just throw out here because we are getting to the end of the episode.

Planning your disclosure.

So you don’t have to disclose absolutely everything. Make a list of things that you do not want to discuss and things that you’re willing to discuss in terms of having this conversation about your emotions. If they’re emotions that you… violence or abuse and maybe you’re not ready to disclose those. Put them aside. You don’t have to bring that all to the table.

Come out with a wide vocabulary.

Again we’ve talked about this previously on an episode, getting specific about the feelings and labelling them coming into that concept of affect labelling.

Talk with not about.

I like this one. Keeping about you and your feelings don’t get torn away talking about what so and so did to me and how that what they must be feeling about that bring it back to what’s about you so that you can really think about how your reactions are and how that conversation made you feel, rather than postulating about somebody else’s feelings and the last one.

Letting go of outcomes.

Don’t expect to all come straightaway or easily and that’s where the regular scheduling, sometimes the really important. As you begin to open up, you can start to maybe open up more and disclose a little bit more if you feel it in that safe environment.

M: Yep, I think let go of outcomes is important. But also be clear about what it is you want from the conversation so if you’re going to talk about feelings. Have a idea; Sometimes you just need to talk.

P: Yeah.

M: You don’t need a resolution.

P: No.

M: You don’t need someone to fix things.

P: Yeah.

M: You just need to process it yourself, and having someone to bounce the conversation off is really helpful and useful. But if you find yourself talking through the same thing, we can week out with no outcome, no way forward. It can be really damaging to be reliving this on a regular basis. Whatever it is that you’re coping with and sometimes you need a circuit breaker and something to move on from. You need to call it and say ‘I’m going to leave this here now.’

P: Yep.

M: ‘And I’m going to move forward with my life.’

P: Yep, definitely. I think moving forward is really important. But if that if that element keeps coming back to haunt you, then maybe there’s something you need to address. Maybe that is where you do need to seek professional help.

M: Yeah. All right. Well, thank you for joining us today. If you want to hear more, please remember to subscribe. And like this podcast on Remember, you find us at http://www.marieskelton.com. A site about how to find balance, happiness and resilience in your life.

P: And please if you feel up to it, leave a comment or a message we’d love to hear from you. And a rating will help us out.

M: Yes. That would make us happy.

P: OK, until next time, Choose Happiness

[Happy exit Music]

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article Words That Can Change Your Mindset, listen to our Podcast Why You Need to Develop Your Emotional Literacy (E42)

6 Positive Psychology Theories you can Practice in Everyday Life

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positive psychology theories book in library

Over the last few decades, psychologists have started to turn their cheeks to the negative side of psychology. Instead, psychologists, experts and researchers have started to focus on “the good life” for both individuals and society as a whole.

This relatively new study is called positive psychology, and it is dedicated to the study of what makes us happy.

There are tonnes of positive psychology studies out there, but in this article, I’ve highlighted some of the most influential positive psychology theories – ones you can learn from and practice to change your life for the better.

Read on!

What is Positive Psychology and why is it Important?

Before we jump into positive psychology theories, I think it’s important to explore what it is and why it’s important.

Quite often, psychology focuses more on curing mental illness and eliminating negative feelings. However, positive psychology focuses on human thoughts, feelings, and behaviour, highlighting the good in life instead of repairing the bad. In short, positive psychology is the “study of what makes life worth living.”

By focusing on character strengths, life satisfaction, passion and purpose, wellbeing, gratitude, compassion, self confidence, hope, and optimism, positive psychology aims to teach people how to flourish and live their best life.

#1. Positive Psychology, Martin Seligman

positive psychology seligman

We can’t talk about positive psychology theories without mentioning Martin Seligman.

Seligman is considered the founder of positive psychology. In the 1960s and 1970s, Seligman explored “learned helplessness” and how both humans and animals alike can learn to become helpless and lose control over what happens to them. This related to depression and mental health, and his theories ended up being used to treat depression later down the line.

However, Seligman knew there was more to psychology than the negatives. So, he took the concept of “learned helplessness” and put a positive spin on it. He started thinking about how personal characteristics, traits, and perspectives could be learned.

He focused on what is life-giving rather than life-depleting and in the year 2000, the field of positive psychology was published.

#2. Vulnerability, Brené Brown

Brene Brown Vulnerability

Brene Brown is one of the leading researchers on vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. In fact, she has spent decades researching these emotions and their impact on the human psyche, and her research has been featured on CNN, PBS, and Oprah Winfrey’s Super Soul Sunday.

Her TED talk is also in the top 10 most viewed TED talks of all time.

Brene says vulnerability mixes uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure – all the things that naturally make us feel uncomfortable. However, if you have the courage and vulnerability to show up, take a chance, and keep trying (even when you fail), you can make serious strides towards happiness and success.

So, how do you practice vulnerability in everyday life?

“I think daring greatly is about showing up and being seen. It’s about owning our vulnerability and understanding it as the birthplace of courage and the other meaning-making experiences in our lives,” Brene says.

“It’s not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.”

“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who at best knows the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

Check out Brene’s 2010 TED talk on “the Power of Vulnerability” below!

#3. Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and Flow

Alongside Martin Seligman, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi is considered one of the founders of positive psychology. He was a prisoner during World War II and during this time, he developed an interest in philosophy, the human mind, and what makes life worth living.

After the war, he found fame for the concept of “flow”, a state where you are completely absorbed in a challenging but doable task.

If you have ever experienced a time where you excelled, succeeded, or felt like you were “in the zone”, you were probably experiencing flow.

Csikszentmihalyi theorised that happiness can be shifted by introducing flow. Happiness is not rigid or set in stone. Instead, he said happiness can be manifested through commitment – each person has some degree of control over their happiness and most people are productive, creative, and happy when they are in a state of flow.

“The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times. The best moments usually occur if a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile,” Csikszentmihalyi said.

Want to learn more about Csikszentmihalyi? Check out the animated video below.

#4. Grit, Angela Lee Duckworth

Angela Lee Duckworth and Grit

Angela Lee Duckworth was mentored by Martin Seligman at the University of Pennsylvania. For more than a decade, Angela studied the concept of “grit” – the ability to work hard and stick to your goals, long term passions, hobbies, and more.

She noted that there are multiple definitions of grit. For example, Seligman’s Penn Resiliency Program focused on the definition of resilience which is optimism and recognising where it’s possible to make changes in your life. Other people define resilience or “grit” as the ability to bounce back from adversity.

What these definitions had in common was the positive response to failure or adversity. From this, Angela created a grittiness scale (you can take the test here). Half of the questions focus on resilience in the face of failure, and half are about having deep, long lasting commitments.

You can practice “grit” and resilience everyday by working hard, whether you’re learning a new hobby, facing your fears, or persevering through tough situations without giving up.

Check out Angela’s 2013 TED talk Grit: the Power of Passion and Perseverance.

#5. Emotional Agility, Susan David

Susan David and Emotional Agility

Susan David is a renowned psychologist and expert on human emotions, happiness, and achievement.

In 2016, Susan released her groundbreaking book Emotional Agility based on two decades of research. Her research shows that emotionally agile people are not immune to stress and setbacks in life – but they do know how to gain insight into tough situations and feelings, which they can use to adapt and align their actions to put their best foot forward.

Emotional agility is about self-acceptance, clear-sightedness, and an open mind when it comes to change and adversity.

According to Susan’s research, you can practice emotional agility and resilience everyday by:

  • Showing up and facing your thoughts with curiosity and acceptance
  • Stepping out of your own mind and observing your emotions for what they are
  • Sticking to your values and beliefs
  • Making tweaks to your mindset, motivation, and habits so you feel excited and invigorated.

Check out Susan’s 2017 TED talk on the Gift and Power of Emotional Courage.

#6. Growth Mindset, Carol Dweck

Carol Dweck and growth mindset

Dr Carol Dweck has studied her student’s reaction to failure for more than 30 years. She noticed some of her students rebounded from failure with ease, while others were devastated – even by the tiniest setbacks.

Curious about their responses, Carol started looking into people’s beliefs about intelligence and learning. She found that when students recognised they could get smarter if they put extra time and effort into their studies, they were more likely to succeed.

This made Susan ask whether we can change or mindsets, and if so, how?

It all comes down to neuroscience. Connectivity between neurons can change with experience and practice – the neutral network can grow new connections, strengthen existing connections, and speed up the transmission of impulses.

So, with that in mind (pun intended), you can become smarter and increase your chance of success by using good strategies, asking questions, practicing, getting some sleep, and maintaining a good diet every single day.

Check out Carol’s talk with Google on the growth mindset.

Want to learn more about positive psychology theories and how you can implement these strategies in your own life? Sign up to my email newsletter for updates, advice, and resources today!

How Job Insecurity Is Impacting Your Happiness (E44)

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Happiness for Cynics Podcast

This week, Marie and Pete discuss why workers around the world no longer have job security, how that can impact happiness levels and what you can do about it.

Transcript

M: You’re listening to the podcast Happiness for Cynics. I’m Marie Skelton, a writer and speaker on change and resilience.

P: And I’m Peter Furness, a road tripper, trashy pop listening, bed loving zealot. Each week we will bring to you the latest news and research in the world of positive psychology, otherwise known as happiness.

M: So if you’re feeling low.

P: Or only satisfied with life, but not truly happy.

M: Or maybe you just want more.

P: Then this is the place to be.

M: And to take us one step further on our happiness journey. Today’s episode is all about how job insecurity is impacting your happiness.

[Happy Intro Music]

M: I think this is a big one.

P: Yes, this is a big one, I think you might be taking this one Marie. This is right up your alley.

M: Yeah, definitely. So I spent a lot of time in a previous life working with an innovation and emerging technology team and looking at macro changes in our society and lives. And job insecurity is really the result of a lot of large changes that are happening around the world right now that are impacting individuals. So it’s easy to talk about these big changes, but the, the result and the impact is that we’re a lot less secure in our jobs nowadays than previous generations.

P: That’s a fact that. That’s what I was getting when I was doing a lot of research about this. Is it that job security, is it a thing of the past? Have we lost job security or is it just low at the moment and it will resurface?

M: No.

P: It will rise like the phoenix.

M: [Laugh] No, it’s a thing of the past. Look, there are a few people out there who might be deluding themselves into thinking that they have job security and it is, it is just the smoke and mirrors of companies who are holding on to [a] past that no longer exists.

P: So this is a change in format for corporate, especially in that job security no longer is offered on the table. You could be gone in a moments, notice with redundancies or change in circumstances. We can’t expect job security anymore.

M: Absolutely, and it’s not that the corporate’s have all of a sudden gotten mean.

P: [Laugh] What do you mean gotten mean?

M: [Laugh]

P: I thought they already were.

M: I mean if you want to take a positive capitalist view of what’s going on from a corporate perspective, the original life expectancy of a corporate has dropped significantly. I think it’s about 15 years, and it’s just a reflection of how quickly the times are changing now. So the Fortune 500 companies used to quite often last for 100 years, or more. That just doesn’t happen today. And there’s a few companies that still have that long history, and they’re the ones that have been able to innovate and stave off all of the new competitors in their markets.

P: Right.

M: But it’s getting increasingly hard to be one of those big behemoth companies that lasts a hundred years and those companies now need to not only innovate but change at a really rapid pace, and in order to do that, they’re constantly needing to do new things and to move on from the old.

P: Right.

M: Which means no, no one person’s role is ever the same two, three, four years later.

P: So the days of staying with the company for 30 years are gone?

M: Unless you can re-imagine your role. And the problem we have right now in corporates is that they’ve stopped investing in their employees as much in general is a rule because they know that employees are, rightly so, they’re less loyal back.

P: Yep.

M: Because corporates are being less loyal to them.

P: [Laugh]

M: And what we haven’t yet solved in this space is who is going to train employees so that they can roll with the changes rather than just be kicked out every time there’s a change.

P: Right.

M: And how are we going to re-imagine our HR functions so that we can prepare our employees to take the next job, and the next job, and the next job, rather than firing them or making them redundant every time there is a shift, which happens more and more often nowadays.

P: Hhmm.

M: So from a corporate employees perspective, right now is a constant revolving door of people in and out of an organisation. And there is just this never-ending uncertainty and fear in the corporate person’s life just like a storm cloud over them. You never know when the next restructure’s going to happen, and they’re all really disruptive as well. It just takes time to get through them.

So there’s that constant change, and it can feel really unsettling as a baseline in your life. You go to your work, you work your 40, 50, 60 hours a week, whatever it is, and there’s that constant knowledge that you might not have a job next week or that there is just more change and you don’t have any control over that.

P: Right OK, so the big thing that I’m getting from that hole, that change and that emotion is there’s a fear. Would that be fair to say that there is now a fear of the job security? And so do we look at how to deal with fear? Is that going to negate the effects of job security on our lives?

M: I think there is fear, but it’s uncertainty. What we can do is a lot of the things that we talk about on the podcast, and we’ll get to some team tips later.

P: OK.

M: But before we do that, I also want to talk about low wage workers or blue collar workers. Or um.

P: That was my next question.

M: [Laugh]

P: We’ve talked about Corporate. How do we talk about the, the family greengrocer who’s had the shop on the road for the last 60 years?

M: Have they? Do they still exist Pete?

P: Well, I go to one. Yes, [Laugh].

M: They’re few and far between though to be honest.

P: They are, that’s a fair point. Sometimes I feel like there is a little bit of a, a push back to those days of supporting local.

M: Mm hmm.

P: And especially now, supporting local businesses and the small fry in the, in the big palette of workplace options. You know, dealing with your local people. You’re local barman and your local restaurant, your local butcher, for example. Let’s take that example. So, if we’re talking about blue collar work, how do we negotiate this environment for them?

M: Yeah, Look I think there has been a snap back to supporting fresh food and produce in Australia in particular.

P: Yep.

M: Having said that, there is still very much a, almost a duopoly you know, the Coles and Woolworths, big supermarket chains, definitely still have a huge share of the market, so.

P: Oh, completely.

M: Yeah, yes. So that still exists. But having said that, for a lot of low wage workers, the problem is not only the insecurity of jobs because entire industries are arriving, bubbling, collapsing. So if you look at the dot com bubble, designers, Web writers, all the rest of it, all of that came and went really quickly. And that’s moved on to something else and a million other things. So that is happening for small businesses. Not so much your green grocers and your butchers, but.

P: Not so much the service industries either, I imagine, as well.

M: Depending on the service.

P: There’s still a need for their service.  

M: Depending on the service. So you look at a mechanic. Nowadays, a car will tell the mechanic what’s wrong before they person pulls in right, because it’s done It’s diagnostics cheque.

P: True.

M: And the mechanic knows that he/she’s got to have a certain amount of electronic, engineering kind of skills to deal with the car. So even that industry is changing very rapidly, so there’s a lot of change going on. But more than that, what I want to get to with low wage workers is that most of them are not earning a liveable income.

P: This is appalling.

M: So, we’re talking about students, young people and part time parents who are not earning a lot of money.

P: Yep.

M: But more than that, we’re talking about primary wage earners, not earning a liveable income for them and their families.

P: Yep.

M: So they’re at work, full time and what they earn puts them below the poverty line.

P: Yes.

M: So in Australia, research by the Centre for Social Impact, conducted for NAB National Australia Bank, found that two million Australians experience severe or high financial stress. So that’s about 8% of the population.

P: Wow.

M: And more to that, so about 40% are living with some level of financial worry. So these are people who don’t know what to say that their kids at Christmas.

P: Yeah.

M: They’re worried that the car might break down and they’ll have to put a payment on a credit card that they won’t know how to pay back. They’re worried that the next dental visit is not going to be payable right?

P: Yep.

M: And they’re working full time jobs and a great example of this, and this is happening all around the world. A great example is a story that I found about a family called, Ross Timmins and his family. And they were on the popular TV show ‘Rich House, Poor House’ and it lets rich families and poor families swap lives for a week. Have you seen it?

P: Oh wow, No. [Laugh] I don’t know what that is.

[Laughter]

M: So it grabs a rich family and a poor family.

P: [Talking over Marie] ?

M: Yeah, absolutely. And they switch. They switch lives for a week. And despite,

P: Wow.

M: despite Ross working six days a week and up to 90 hours a week on a shipyard.

P: Woah.

M: And his wife working part time while looking after the kids, the Timmins family is in the poorest 10% of the country.

P: Mmm…

M: And during the week they lived in the rich family life, Sarah, the wife, said it was just so nice not to worry about the cost of everything. When we got to the middle of the week, I realised I hadn’t worried about money at all over the previous few days. It was a real mental break. We call the holiday for the Children, but in one way it was for us as well.

P: Yeah, yeah. That constant worry, it does have an impact on your on your whole mental state and that has a direct physical impact on your stress levels, your cortisol levels, how much inflammation is in your body, acidity in the stomach, all that sort of stuff. There’s a real, there’s so much documentary evidence out there that supports how much stress-

M: Mm hmm.

P: -and constant stress in terms of concern and worry impacts on our physicality.

M: Yes, absolutely. And that’s why I wanted to say, for corporate workers, generally, they’re, they’re just dealing with that uncertainty. For low wage workers, for blue collar workers, for up to 40% of our population, they’re not only dealing with the insecurity, but they live week to week financially, and they’ve got that cloud of financial worry hanging over as well.

P: Yeah, it’s the wealth gap issue we’re seeing in other countries around the world, which hasn’t necessarily hit us here in Australia. I, I assume, you might have a different opinion on that Marie.

M: No, we’re just the same as America and the U. K. A lot of developed countries have got the same the same issue,

P: Yeah, right.

M: So the 1% exist in all these countries. And the distribution of wealth has not been particularly equal over the last few decades.

P: Yeah, right.

M: And so I guess this is why we’ve been arguing for a while now or looking into what’s happening in their happiness and positive psychology space when it comes to countries that are looking at well-being as a measure instead of GDP.

P: And putting social structures in place to support that as well. So at least you can enjoy the space from which you are living, a little bit more easily.

M: Mmm hmm.

P: Yeah.

M: Definitely. And then the last group before we move into what you could do about this, the last group to call out and the last macro trend to talk about is self-employed workers and the gig economy.

P: Ooh, that’s me!

M: Yes, valid point.

P: [Laugh]

M: And a lot more right now we’re seeing people you know, these are the mompreneurs.

P: Ooh.

M: Or you know, IT workers who jump from.

P: I haven’t heard that one before.

M: So it’s the mum, mum bloggers who are selling training courses on their blog, or the, the more traditional IT workers who jump from contract to contract or temp workers, small business owners, uber drivers and students who make jewellery and sell it on eBay.

P: Yeah.

M: Designers who sell editing services through new marketplaces online that have been enabled, like fibre and air tasker and all of those great places where you sell services.

P: Yep.

M: So this is a new and booming area and way back in 2001, Dan Pink, Daniel H. Pink wrote a book which is still so relevant, called Free Agent Nation, which started talking about this. And the reason that this is good is that people get their flexibility. They have ownership, they have agency, and they can really create a career that works for them. If they want to work at midnight because they look after the kids in the morning, they can do that.

P: Yep

M: And it looks very much like a lot of corporate people right now. They’re all working from home with track pants on and kids running around in the background.

P: Grabbing an hour after they’ve put the kids in for tea, having an hour on the computer to do some work. Yeah, definitely.

M: Yeah, looks like that. The problem, though that we’re finding is that there comes a whole lot of insecurity there because we don’t have the social structures, the government support and safety nets in place with these employees.

P: Yeah, mmm.

M: And corporate employees come from a long and proud unionised –

P: Yes.

M: – background in history that ensures that they get certain rights that have been built into law in a lot of countries.

P: Mm hmm.

M: Gig economy workers are so new that a lot of governments haven’t worked out how to give from the same safety nets and rights that corporate or full time employees tend to enjoy.

P: Definitely.

M: So again, you can be fired or just not paid. And how do you go chase someone in the World Wide Web?

P: Mmm.

M: To get paid for things, so there’s a lot of uncertainty that comes out of that way of working as well.

P: Yeah absolutely, there’s a lot more risk involved in terms of having to negotiate the fear in the field. And I know that companies that you do use online I mean, I use Stripe and I use PayPal. Paypal I feel is a very strong one in that they are there to protect the consumer so that if, if, if goods don’t arrive or that if funds aren’t received, you can actually prevent payments or there’s a recompense. And so I think that those kind of companies actually do provide an important service in this new gig economy, as it were.

M: Yep, but there is so much more. So a corporation can’t fire you without giving you notice. But if you’re a gig economy worker, people could just-

P: Not pay you.

M: -pull your contract, exactly. Yeah, pull your contract within 24 hours.

P: Yeah.

M: So there’s, there’s still a bit of work to be done with most governments around the world. I don’t know that anyone’s really nailed this to give the gig economy and self-employed workers similar or enough of a safety net.

P: Yep.

M: So that they can go do what they do.

P: Sure.

M: And to give them a bit more certainty and security.

P: Mmm, mm. So in the last few minutes, let’s look at what things that we might be able to do to try and way lay this uncertainty that surrounds us in the new economy. Marie, you’ve got some, you’ve got a little pre-empt that you wanted to say on this one.

[Laughter]

M: Sure, look, I think it’s worth acknowledging that some people are doing it tough and it is not about us minimising that at all and the advice is if you’re struggling, please talk to a professional. Same –

P: Reach out.

M: – if we’ve triggered anything in this discussion and you’re not, you’re not coping again please do reach out to a professional and.

P: I think that’s really important because that’s actually taking a little bit of control. And in place of fear and in place of the uncertainty. I feel like the most important thing is, is that you do trying to find something that you can control, find one element that you can control and target that on by reaching out to someone and going up to someone say I’m not coping and I need assistance that’s actually taking control It’s a really positive, proactive step towards being, a step towards getting away from that uncertainty.

M: Absolutely. And then I think the second thing before we get into your broader tips is just remember to not overextend yourself financially. There’s a great book called Rich Dad, Poor Dad that talks about what rich people do and they don’t buy mansions and they don’t buy flashy cars.

P: Mmm, yeah.

M: And they don’t buy a lot of the things that society pressures us –

P: Yeah.

M: – into feeling we need to be a happy and successful.

P: Yeah, definitely. The whole. what would you buy if you won the lottery thing. Actually not much, don’t change.

M: Exactly, and a lot of happy people would buy nothing, so I think it’s just a really good general lesson. It is not financial advice. I have not taken your particular circumstances into account, just so we’re clear here.

P: [Laughter]

M: But I think it’s a really good point because there is so much uncertainty nowadays that having a really overstretched-

P: -financial situation is difficult at times.

M: Exactly. Yeah. Aside from that, Pete, there are some things you wanted to talk about for how we can maybe balance some of the negative with some positive-

P: Yeah.

M: – things that can help to maybe give you an umbrella as you’re standing underneath that financial entropic security cloud.

P: Yeah, absolutely. Look, this is, this comes from the mind tools website skills for [careers] and they really do talk about what’s the, the best way to respond it’s rather general advice, really, But it talks about controlling how you respond so in your circumstances where you are finding yourself feeling very uncertain. Try to get a hold on that emotional responsibility. Taking proactive steps like [those] we’ve already mentioned.

Getting value [for] yourself and giving value to your company or to your employer so that, that in turn, would reciprocate good feelings and a little bit more investment in parts of your employer or your company as such in going ‘well, this person’s really trying here. So let’s try and find a, a situation that we can either transfer them into or develop them further so that they stay with us.’

Looking for lateral transfers within your organisation, department transfers or even a different branch sometimes a change is as good as a holiday, as they say, so that helps to also up skill your communications and keep you relevant across more, more elements of the industry or the organisation with which you work, but within that as well, it’s also about valuing yourself and not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.

Setting strong personal boundaries is a really important point, and in the same vein of being flexible and being broadly minded, assert yourself. Make sure that you’re not taken advantage of or manipulated for a bad negative outcome for yourself. Your outcome is just as important as the company’s outcome.

And keeping your technical skills up, making sure that the technical skills are there but also your communication and interpersonal skills, which I believe are called soft skills Marie.

M: [Laugh] Yes, we all know about soft skills in the corporate world.

P: I didn’t know about any. I mean, I don’t speak to client’s I stick them on a bed and they shut up.

[Laughter]

P: My interpersonal skills are probably through my elbows, more than anything, so [laugh] I need to look at that a little more laterally.

M: So I think a lot of those tips are really valuable. Show your value in an organisation is just a no brainer. But the one that I do want to reiterate here is to be taking control of your career and constantly looking for what’s next and how you can expand your skills and your interests and keep looking for the next opportunity. So keeping an open mind when things come along.

P: Yes.

M: And, they say nowadays, every 18 months you should be moving to a new team and growing and learning through that. So don’t move just because we say you should move. It’s about seeing things that interest you and taking a leap of faith and following the work. Yep, and that way it’s in your hands and your control.

P: Yeah.

M: You’re constantly updating your skills with new activities, and it makes you far more employable if not if, but when you’re made redundant.

P: Mmm.

M: Because it will happen.

P: Sure, yeah. I guess that’s the one thing we can rely on, that certainty is out there, it’s going to happen at one point.

M: Yep.

P: On that note. Let’s wind that up for this week. Thanks for joining us today. If you’d like to hear more please remember to subscribe and like our podcast. You can find us at www.marieskelton.com, a site about change, balance, happiness and resilience. You can also send in questions or propose a topic.

M: And if you like our little show, we would love for you to leave comment or a rating to help us out.

P: It would make us super happy.

M: Until next time…

P: Choose happiness 😊

[Happy Exit Music]

Related content: Read Happiness for Cynics article 5 Easy Resilience Activities for the Workplace , listen to our Podcast Wellbeing and Your Environment with Lee Chambers (E21)

Three Things You Didn’t Know About Kindness

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World Kindness Day

Let’s Celebrate World Kindness Day!

Did you know World Kindness Day is coming up on November 13th? This special day is a great day to perform a few random acts of kindness.

World Kindness Day is an international holiday and was originally started in 1998. It’s a reminder to us all to prioritise kindness for the people you know and love, for complete strangers and also for ourselves.

Kindness is about being generous, considerate and friendly. Many people also relate kindness to affection, warmth, and gentleness. It’s within us all to transform someone’s day and what better way than with a random act of kindness to celebrate this beautiful holiday?

Read on to explore three things you may not know about kindness and find some ideas you can use for your random acts of kindness.

Be Kind to One Another

be kind to one another

Kindness has the ability to provide many benefits to both the person receiving the kindness and the person being kind. When we are kind to one another, it has a lasting impact.

A study titled, “Do unto others or treat yourself?” looked at the effects of kindness based on performing acts of kindness for others or for yourself. This study set out to measure the levels of psychological flourishing including social well-being and emotional well-being of the participants.

When the study was over, researchers had found those performing acts of kindness for others achieved higher levels of psychological flourishing than the group enjoying acts of kindness for themselves. It showed, when we are kind to one another, we actually achieve a higher level of positive emotions compared to being kind to ourselves.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should avoid being kind to yourself. It just means celebrating World Kindness Day should be about being kind to one another and that kindness should become a part of our everyday life.

Another study published on Sciencemag.org looked at how spending money on other people promotes happiness. The study provides each participant with $5 or with $20. The participants had to spend the money on themselves or on someone else before 5pm the same day.

When the evening came, the researchers spoke with each participant to find out how happy they felt. The study showed those willing to spend the money on others were happier than those spending it on themselves.

Both of these studies show how important it is for us to be kind to one another. We achieve greater happiness when we help others and when we show other people kindness.

Lesson #1: Be kind to one another if you want to be happier.

Be Kind to Yourself

Be Kind to Yourself

Yes, being kind to others is very important, but we should also be kind to ourselves. Oscar Wilde wrote, “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” While we may not generally view romance in this light, being kind to yourself does still have benefits.

Many studies have linked self-compassion to happiness and overall well-being. A study from the University of Texas at Austin showed when we are kind to ourselves; we experience benefits, such as:

  • Better life satisfaction
  • Greater interconnectedness with other people
  • More curiosity
  • Higher levels of happiness
  • A more optimistic outlook
  • Higher levels of emotional intelligence
  • Greater wisdom

When you are kind to yourself, you also experience less anxiety, fear, depression, and self-criticism, according to the same study.

Being kind to yourself can also provide more emotional resilience. When we are kind to ourselves, we build up self-worth, which doesn’t rely on our successes or the words and actions of others to build up our self-esteem.

Lesson #2: Be kind to yourself to boost your mental wellbeing.

Another benefit of kindness is that it releases serotonin, an important hormone helping us feel good. Serotonin is released when we are kind to others or kind to ourselves. When you do something nice for another person, you likely feel better about yourself. This might seem random, but it’s not random at all.

The pleasure centers in our brain become active when we are kind to others. Kindness leads to a boost in serotonin. An article from Berkeley.edu refers to this as the “Helper’s High.”

This “high” is often felt when volunteering or even when helping someone carry a heavy item up the stairs or into their home. When you help out without expecting anything in return, it leads to an increase in serotonin levels, which makes you feel good about yourself.

The release of serotonin can also help to ease anxiety, reduce stress, lead to a longer lifespan, and even lower your blood pressure. Being kind to one another and to yourself can lead to more happiness within your life and that’s not an accident.

Lesson #3: Be kind to yourself to boost your happiness.

15 Ideas for Activities to do This World Kindness Day

World Kindness Day

So how do you perform a random act of kindness? Well the good news is that it’s so simple you’d almost have to try not to do some of these.

  1. Spend the entire day spreading kindness and positivity on social media.
  2. Leave a larger than normal tip if you plan to eat at a restaurant (you can even include a kind note).
  3. Use post-it notes to provide kind messages for your spouse, children, or others to discover throughout the day.
  4. Randomly send flowers or another gift to a friend or family member.
  5. Write a hand-written note to someone you haven’t spoken with in a while or send a nice card.
  6. Dedicated some of your time to clean up a park or your neighborhood.
  7. Pay for someone’s order when going through a drive-thru or at the coffee shop.
  8. Help your children write positive messages with sidewalk chalk on the sidewalks.
  9. Volunteer at a local charity for the day.
  10. Call your mom or dad, especially if you haven’t spoken to them in a while.
  11. Leave a thank you note on someone’s car for parking well.
  12. Hide a few kind notes in the pockets of clothing at a local shop.
  13. Provide compliments to everybody you speak to throughout the day.
  14. Write thank-you notes to your friends to thank them for their friendship.
  15. Adopt a pet.

There are many great ways to celebrate World Kindness Day. Whether you want to involve your children or celebrate on your own, doing kind things for others and for yourself can lead to more happiness in your life.

Want to learn more about the science of happiness? Make sure to subscribe to my podcast Happiness for Cynics and my email newsletter for regular updates & resilience resources!